0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:20 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Whoa.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Hello. I'm just a man. Hello. Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44So, what's been happening?
0:00:44 > 0:00:47David Dimbleby revealed what Boris did during the US election.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50He just endlessly ate peanut butter and honey.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52LAUGHTER
0:00:52 > 0:00:56That's nothing. Did you see what Boris calls his penis?
0:00:56 > 0:00:57The triangular doodah.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00LAUGHTER
0:01:00 > 0:01:02The doodah!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Did anyone else see what Andrew Marr puts in his pies?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Vegetables and prostitutes.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09LAUGHTER
0:01:09 > 0:01:10And finally,
0:01:10 > 0:01:14did anyone else see that man slapping a dwarf's head on the news?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- SLAP - ..and they had the power to do so if they could follow the advice of...
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- SLAP - ..CCW and said...
0:01:19 > 0:01:20- SLAP - .."No, this cannot...
0:01:20 > 0:01:21- SLAP - .."discount..."
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- SLAP, SLAP - ..that's what they should have done.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25LAUGHTER
0:01:25 > 0:01:27"Stop, stop hitting me, you bastard."
0:01:27 > 0:01:29LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:35The big story of the week continues to be the US election.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Barack Obama has won a second term of President of the United States
0:01:39 > 0:01:41defeating his Republican rival Mitt Romney.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43We kicked his butt.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48Yes, you did. But, for a while, it was pretty close.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50President Obama and Governor Romney neck and neck.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52This is a tight race.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Everybody can see how close this is.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55It is neck and neck.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Or, as they put it in England...
0:01:56 > 0:01:58It's tighter than a gnat's arse.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01LAUGHTER
0:02:01 > 0:02:04But Romney was convinced he was going to win.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I have just finished writing
0:02:06 > 0:02:07a victory speech.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11It's about 1,118 words.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14All you needed was two - "Ah, shit."
0:02:14 > 0:02:15LAUGHTER
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Did you see the reason why he thought he was going to win?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26He's got magic pants.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28This girl loved them.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31LAUGHTER
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Did you watch the election night coverage?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Sky News interviewed Will.I.Am.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Will.I.Am is here. A well-known face on British TV.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Will.I.Am there, clearly Will.I.Am.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44You'd never confuse him for someone else, right?
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Just kind of giving you a little bit of what you see here.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52That's Wyclef Jean.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Did you watch Obama's victory speech?
0:02:58 > 0:03:02I just spoke with Governor Romney and I congratulated him
0:03:02 > 0:03:04and Paul Ryan on a hard-fought campaign.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Bollocks. I bet the phone call went like this,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09"Hey, Romney, aaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!
0:03:09 > 0:03:13"Where's your magic pants now, dickhead?"
0:03:13 > 0:03:16My favourite moment of Obama's speech
0:03:16 > 0:03:18was this incredible rally cry.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21It doesn't matter whether you're black or white or Hispanic
0:03:21 > 0:03:27or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29able, disabled, gay or straight -
0:03:29 > 0:03:34you can make it here in America if you're willing to try.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Amazing.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I bet everyone in the crowd was captivated. Right?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43You can make it here in America if you are willing to try.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47LAUGHTER
0:03:47 > 0:03:49How can you react like that?
0:03:49 > 0:03:53He does a speech that connects an entire country
0:03:53 > 0:03:57and she looks about as happy as a haemophiliac on her period.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:04This is the worst day of my life.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Oh! Wyclef Jean!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08LAUGHTER
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Mind you, not everyone was as bored as her.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13This guy wins my award for celebration of the night.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Here's the mayor of Minneapolis crowd surfing with his mother.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Great, isn't it?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24APPLAUSE
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Do you know what I love about that?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29The fact his mum's in front of him which means she started it.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Come on, pussy, let's bounce.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Did you see any of Romney's speech?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Is it me or is he obsessed with the word tomorrow?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Tomorrow we begin a new tomorrow.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Tomorrow we begin a better tomorrow.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47We can begin a better tomorrow tomorrow.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER
0:04:50 > 0:04:51When do we start?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Tomorrow.- Just checking.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56How weird does this sound?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59One of the things I wished I could do would be
0:04:59 > 0:05:02to wake up with a pile of kids on my floor in the morning.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Whoa!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06LAUGHTER
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Shall we just assume I've done a Jimmy Savile gag and move on?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15LAUGHTER
0:05:15 > 0:05:16So, why did Romney lose?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Well, ultimately, it came down to his gaffes. First he said this.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I'm not concerned about the very poor.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Then he said this.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25He also described how he would carry out
0:05:25 > 0:05:27a terrorist attack on his own country.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31But my favourite cock-up was this.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Why was it my favourite?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Because of the bare-faced audacity of his excuse.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44My dog likes fresh air.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47LAUGHTER
0:05:47 > 0:05:49He loves it.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52You can tell that by the way he screams.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55"Kill me. Kill me."
0:05:55 > 0:05:57He also loves water. You should see him in the dishwasher.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01"Oh! Who's a happy dog?"
0:06:01 > 0:06:03LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:04It wasn't just Obama and Romney,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07there were loads of other candidates trying to win the election.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10For example, do you know Roseanne Barr came fifth?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12But of all the other candidates,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14this guy was definitely my favourite.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19I always wanted to run for President of the United States.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Me, I wouldn't run on a Republican platform
0:06:23 > 0:06:29nor the Democratic platform or the independent platform.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Me, I'd run on a go-fuck-yourself fucking platform.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:38 > 0:06:41There were some depressing kids' stories in the news.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Have a look at this from Australia.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48Children as young as two of being prescribed with antidepressants.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52What? They're two! They don't need antidepressants.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53What? Are they walking around,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56"Mother, my potty training is a disaster?"
0:06:56 > 0:06:58LAUGHTER
0:06:58 > 0:06:59"Mother, Iggle Piggle leaves me
0:06:59 > 0:07:02"as cold as my blanket on a winter's morn."
0:07:02 > 0:07:03LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:06"Oh, crayons! Hee-hee-hee!"
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Kids don't need drugs.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11All they need to cheer them up - a little bit of guitar.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12You guys ready?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15GUITAR PLAYS
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- AUDIENCE:- Aww.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19LAUGHTER
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I love it.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29It's the bit where they look at each other and just go, "Let's rock."
0:07:29 > 0:07:30LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:33In fact, that's still how me and my brother chill out.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36GUITAR PLAYS
0:07:37 > 0:07:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:44 > 0:07:46That's not the only kids' story in the news.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49There was a survey out this week about parenting.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Did you see what they found out?
0:07:51 > 0:07:5571% lie to their child to make their day easier.
0:07:55 > 0:07:5971% of parents regularly lie to their kids. Damn right.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Think of all the fibs you were told when you're a little.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Spinach makes you strong.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Crusts make your hair curly.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I'm your real dad.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:16The trouble is, these lies can really backfire. This is great.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21My mum told my brother that if he played with his willy he'd go blind.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24So he kept touching it because he really wanted a dog.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:30 > 0:08:33If I touch it enough I'll get a dog, yeah?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Like them lucky blokes with shades.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:39My favourite, though, was from my cousin.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40My auntie told him,
0:08:40 > 0:08:42"If you keep making that face it'll stay that way."
0:08:42 > 0:08:45And he looked at her and went, "Is that what happened to you, Mum?"
0:08:45 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Mind you, if you think lies are bad, have a look at this.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00According to the survey, more than 40% admit they dislike their child.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- AUDIENCE:- Aww!
0:09:03 > 0:09:07How harsh is that? I hate him. I hate him.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Some hate them more than others.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Go.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Hey, hey, hey.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Hey. It is a good save, though.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25LAUGHTER
0:09:25 > 0:09:28So, you're probably thinking, "Lies, antidepressants,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"it can't get worse for kids." Well, have a look at this.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Devotees at a Muslim shrine in western India's Majarati district
0:09:35 > 0:09:40perform a bizarre ritual - throwing babies.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42They are throwing babies off a roof.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Aaaargh!
0:09:45 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:49So, why the hell are they doing this?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52They believe it is good for the newborn baby's health.
0:09:52 > 0:09:57What? Breast milk is good for babies' health not base jumping.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:09:59 > 0:10:03When have you ever looked at a kid and gone, "What he needs is a cape?"
0:10:03 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I mean, have you seen what babies think of it?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:16 > 0:10:20The other major story in the news was all about the BBC.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22The BBC is in crisis.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- Turmoil.- Scandal.- Controversy.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26A massive, monumental mess.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Yikes.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32What a week they have had - resignations, scandals.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34But the story that caught my eye was this.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:48How insane is that?
0:10:48 > 0:10:53Wow, a new species. Proof that we are not alone in the galaxy.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Oh, my God. He's playing conkers without a protective visor.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58LAUGHTER
0:10:58 > 0:10:59I don't care.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02The other day I ran in high heels.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05LAUGHTER
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I like to feel like a woman...
0:11:07 > 0:11:10LAUGHTER
0:11:10 > 0:11:12..at the weekend.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Mind you, if you think that's mad,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18check out what they're most worried about.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25LAUGHTER
0:11:25 > 0:11:27They were worried that aliens were going to swear.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30What does the BBC think's going to happen? This?
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Hello, I'm Brian Cox.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Maaaagh!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Also, I'm no expert but I'm guessing
0:11:37 > 0:11:39even if they did swear, it probably won't be in English.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42What are the chances you're going to find a new creature
0:11:42 > 0:11:45in a galaxy billions of miles away and he's going to go,
0:11:45 > 0:11:50"Eh-up, bastards! How do you fucking diddly-do?"
0:11:50 > 0:11:52LAUGHTER
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Some woman on Points Of View -
0:11:54 > 0:11:56"I was watching Stargazing Live the other day
0:11:56 > 0:11:58"when, much to my horror..."
0:11:58 > 0:12:01LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:04"..I saw an alien look at me and say the word rim-job!"
0:12:04 > 0:12:06LAUGHTER
0:12:06 > 0:12:10"Oh, if only Diana was here."
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Let's be honest.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14If an alien ever meets Brian Cox,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17it'll probably do more than swear at him.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22If you look at the world, then it's incredibly complex and beautiful.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Mind you, it's not just UFOs the BBC are worried about. Did you see this?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39They're worried Pudsey's a paedo.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42LAUGHTER
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Christ, what do they think he wears under his costume? This?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47LAUGHTER
0:12:48 > 0:12:52It's not Pudsey the bear you want to worry about, it's koala bears.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53They are filth.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56LAUGHTER
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Let's be honest, the kids are going to be fine.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Pudsey's only got one eye.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03They could just hide in his blind spot like that.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:06 > 0:13:09And let's be honest, some of them can really handle themselves.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12I mean, check out this little fella's brutal moves.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Waaagh!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Aaaargh!
0:13:25 > 0:13:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:33 > 0:13:38Next up, this has to be the worst case of mistaken identity ever.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42A Brazilian family had the shock of their lives when the relative
0:13:42 > 0:13:45they thought they were burying turned up to his own funeral.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49He turned up to his own funeral.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51The vicar must have shat himself.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Holy shit!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Zombie!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02But what's amazing - look how relaxed he is about it.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04TRANSLATION: When I walked through the door
0:14:04 > 0:14:05and I saw the coffin
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I was a bit flabbergasted.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I asked, "What is this?"
0:14:09 > 0:14:13And they said it was a service for me and I said to them, "I'm alive."
0:14:13 > 0:14:15LAUGHTER
0:14:15 > 0:14:17You shouldn't have done that.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Surely you should just have crept in...
0:14:22 > 0:14:25..and just gone, "Surprise!"
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Or gone up to one bloke at the back and just went,
0:14:28 > 0:14:29"I know you did it."
0:14:29 > 0:14:33LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:37"See you in hell, asshole."
0:14:37 > 0:14:38LAUGHTER
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Or if you really want to freak people out, just do this.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Achoo! Aaaargh!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:52It's not only weird story about death. Have you seen this?
0:14:52 > 0:14:57You can have an iPad put in your headstone.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58You'd totally film yourself just going,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01"Let me out! Let me..."
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Your mate behind you dressed as Pudsey, "Raaaargh."
0:15:04 > 0:15:06What are they going to write on the grave?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08"Here lies Tony, the brother we mourn.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11"Sit beside him and download some porn."
0:15:11 > 0:15:12LAUGHTER
0:15:14 > 0:15:17It's a ridiculous idea. You don't need newfangled technology.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I know exactly what I'm putting on my brother's grave.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:29Hey, it's what he would have wanted. Now, from the iPad to the iPhone.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Have you seen the latest app?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34When you flush, where does it rush?
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Well, want to know more? A new app in southern Poland has the answer.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41That's right, they've made an app that tracks your turds.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Have you seen what it's called?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48The program's title translates as "Where's My Poo?"
0:15:48 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Where's My Poo?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Surely they should have called it a Shat-Nav.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55LAUGHTER
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Come on.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00APPLAUSE
0:16:03 > 0:16:05It's so pointless. You get messages from your poo.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Basically, it's Twitter from the shitter.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Why does it exist? Why do you want to trace it?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I've never had a dump and gone, "I hope he's all right."
0:16:15 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:21"Poor little sod. Out there on his own."
0:16:23 > 0:16:28Just my poo, "It's OK, Russell, I'll be fine. I'm a floater."
0:16:28 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER
0:16:31 > 0:16:33And also, how depressing would it be
0:16:33 > 0:16:36if your poo is having a better life than you?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39You're stuck in an office and he sends you photos like this.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42LAUGHTER
0:16:42 > 0:16:46I wouldn't have made this into an app. I'd have turned it into a game.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:54 > 0:16:57This is part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59There's going to be a mystery guest who has been in the news
0:16:59 > 0:17:02and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04So, please welcome our mystery guest.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- Hello. How are you doing?- I'm good. Thank you.- Excellent.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- I'm Russ. How are you?- Sammy. Nice to meet you.- Sammy, nice to meet you.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- So, it has something to do with cooking.- Yeah.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27- Yes. OK.- As such. Things that might happen when you're cooking.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Things that might happen when you're cooking.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32You get a little bit horny in the kitchen.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34LAUGHTER
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Is that what the pole is here for?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38When you're cooking eggs just right and you think...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40LAUGHTER
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Has it got something to do with pole dancing?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I might be able to do a few moves
0:17:44 > 0:17:47but it's not exactly pole dancing, no.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50OK. So...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52So, what's it to do with, then?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55So, it's cooking and pole dancing. Is there a combination between them?
0:17:55 > 0:18:00- It's not a combination.- Right.- I use the pole but I don't dance on it.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- That's a clue.- OK.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:08 > 0:18:11What, what, what do you do to the pole?
0:18:11 > 0:18:12LAUGHTER
0:18:12 > 0:18:15What do you do to the pole? Is he all right?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Do you want to show me where the bad lady touched you?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20LAUGHTER
0:18:20 > 0:18:22What have you done to this pole?
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- I can slide down it.- You can? Oh, OK.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Are we talking in a fireman way or a slutty way?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31LAUGHTER
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- Or both?- The fireman way.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Fireman. Right. So, why were you in the news exactly?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Cos I was the youngest female to become a firefighter.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Oh, lovely stuff.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41That's pretty cool, isn't it?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44APPLAUSE
0:18:45 > 0:18:49So, have you ever had any of those annoying ones where you kind of
0:18:49 > 0:18:53ring up and there is a cat in a tree and you think, "Ah, just..."
0:18:53 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:58We have funny ones where a guy actually was on Valentine's Day
0:18:58 > 0:19:02and I think he was trying to impress his partner
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- and decided to put on a cock ring.- Oh, really.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10And it got stuck and swollen and we had to go and cut the cock ring off.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12You were very kind, though, I must admit.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You really helped me out of quite a tricky situation.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I'd leave it. I think I'd die rather than...
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Rather than ringing in and admitting you've got a cock ring stuck?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24That phone called must have been... Cos, presumably, he went, "Hello?
0:19:24 > 0:19:29"Can you come quickly? Can you come and help me?"
0:19:29 > 0:19:32And you'll be there going, "No, but I can put you on speakerphone."
0:19:32 > 0:19:33LAUGHTER
0:19:33 > 0:19:35What did you have to do? Did you kind of...?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38You've got a ring cutter which you can use to cut...
0:19:38 > 0:19:40That must have been such fun.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41One!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Two!
0:19:43 > 0:19:44LAUGHTER
0:19:44 > 0:19:46So what are we going to do?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48I'm going to give you a crash course on being a firefighter.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Awesome. Let's do this.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54SIREN WAILS
0:19:54 > 0:19:56So, what are we going to do?
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Right, you've got a house here
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- and we've got a person's reported house fire.- Right.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02And this means that someone's stuck in the house,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05they can't get out and you need to go and save them.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06- Fucking right, I do.- Yeah, you do.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Now, what you've got to do,
0:20:10 > 0:20:15- you've got to hit the door down using the axe supplied on the floor.- Yeah.
0:20:15 > 0:20:20Then what it is, it's locked from the inside, so you can't get in normally.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Why has he not...? He's not going to open it himself. Lazy bastard.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- Go on.- Then you're going to use the extinguisher.- Yes.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29You've got a raging fire on the other side. Just be careful.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31LAUGHTER
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- So, put the fire out.- Cool.
0:20:33 > 0:20:39Save anything you think that needs to be saved from in the house.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42What are you waiting for? Go! Come on! It's a house fire.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45MUSIC: "Holding Out For A Hero" by Bonnie Tyler
0:20:46 > 0:20:52I'm in. Oh, Jesus Christ. There is a river of shit going on.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54What are you doing here?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56How does this work? Hang on.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00How does it work? I can't get it to work. What is it? Pull it out?
0:21:00 > 0:21:01You didn't show me. Oh, Jesus.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05You're going to be all right.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Hey, there's still one there.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10LAUGHTER
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Right, save the lady.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15- Save her. Come here, darling. - Give her the fireman's lift.- Got you.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16APPLAUSE
0:21:21 > 0:21:22# I need a hero
0:21:22 > 0:21:27# I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night. #
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Photos, photos.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38LAUGHTER
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Come on, there's something else dying. Something else dying.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44LAUGHTER
0:21:44 > 0:21:45The cat! The cat!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52APPLAUSE
0:21:52 > 0:21:54There is still a cat.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've got this, I've got this.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Save the cat, please.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I don't want to save the cat.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Well, how do you think that went?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Not great.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:20- It's heavy, isn't it?- Yes. If I was you, I'd stick to comedy.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Stick to comedy. That's probably a good thing.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Ladies and gentlemen, that was wonderful.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26It's really heavy, all this.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Please, give it up for my wonderful mystery guest.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Check out the incredible way police up north
0:22:37 > 0:22:40are cracking down on drunken violence.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44To try to stop street scenes like this, the Humberside force
0:22:44 > 0:22:47has bought 10,000 lollipops which are being handed out to drinkers.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49One minute they are wanting to have a fight,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52but the next minute you're offering them a lolly.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55They're going to stop fights with lollipops.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I'm going to stab you. Oh, strawberry.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Now, what I love about this -
0:23:01 > 0:23:05listen to the incredibly scientific reasons why they're doing it.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07If people have a lollipop in their mouth,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09they are less likely to shout or yell
0:23:09 > 0:23:13and if you're sucking on a lollipop, it's hard to look threatening.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15LAUGHTER
0:23:15 > 0:23:17If you suck on a lolly, you don't look threatening.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Yeah, but you do look mental.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Hello. The man gave me a lolly which tastes like happy.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:27It's a ridiculous idea.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30If the police hand out lollies to drunk, violent men,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I think we all know how this is going to end up.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Aaaargh! Aaaargh!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38She's out! Whoo!
0:23:38 > 0:23:39LAUGHTER
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Now, talking of violence, check out this belter of a story from Russia.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Yeah!
0:23:52 > 0:23:53LAUGHTER
0:23:53 > 0:23:56So, you're probably thinking after she kicked the shit out of him,
0:23:56 > 0:24:00she took him to the police. Oh, no. Baby had other ideas.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Three days.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Very nice.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12This is my favourite bit. Look why she did it.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17How is that teaching him a lesson?
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Steal from me?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Not that it is the weirdest attack in the news. Check this out.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28A Sarasota woman is recovering from a wild animal attack.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I don't want somebody else to go through what I did.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33It was very traumatic. I couldn't walk for two days.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35It was just too painful.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37So, was it a bear?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Was it a wolf?
0:24:39 > 0:24:40No.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Listen to her 999 call.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49LAUGHTER
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Waaaagh!
0:24:51 > 0:24:54To be honest, it's not ducks you have to watch out for, it's sheep.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:25:01 > 0:25:03APPLAUSE
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Finally tonight, a truly beautiful story about an animal in need.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24MUSIC: "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush
0:26:06 > 0:26:09# I know you have a little life in you yet
0:26:09 > 0:26:14# I know you have a lot of strength left
0:26:14 > 0:26:18# I know you have a little life in you yet
0:26:18 > 0:26:21# I know you have a lot of strength left
0:26:21 > 0:26:25# I should be crying but I just can't let it show
0:26:28 > 0:26:34# I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
0:26:36 > 0:26:40# Of all the things we should have said that we never said
0:26:40 > 0:26:43# All the things we should have done but we never did
0:26:43 > 0:26:47# All the things that you needed from me
0:26:47 > 0:26:51# All the thing that you wanted from me
0:26:51 > 0:26:56# All the things I should have given but I didn't
0:26:58 > 0:27:05# Just make it go away now. #
0:27:07 > 0:27:08APPLAUSE
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Now time for my stand-up guest.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15This man is a good friend of mine, he is absolutely brilliant.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17I've gigged with him all over the word,
0:27:17 > 0:27:22it's a genuine pleasure to welcome on stage, the wonderful Adam Bloom!
0:27:22 > 0:27:23APPLAUSE
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Yay!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Hello. Hello!
0:27:34 > 0:27:35- AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:27:35 > 0:27:39I'm Adam. I'm enjoying the show. First of all, I didn't know how much swearing there was.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42My parents let me swear when I was a kid, so I couldn't rebel against it.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Isn't that clever?
0:27:44 > 0:27:48There was only one word they would not let me say, it's a horrible word - spastic.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51If I said that word, she would freak, she would even hit me.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52Or she'd try to.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55Arrgh!
0:27:55 > 0:27:58I've got four more jokes, and that's it.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Is it fair to say it would be quite funny if somebody committed suicide
0:28:01 > 0:28:05by suffocating themselves with a Marks & Spencer's Bag for Life?
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Is it fair to say there'd be less litter in the country
0:28:11 > 0:28:13if blind people were given pointed sticks?
0:28:16 > 0:28:20Is that too far? Any blind people in, I apologise.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Cheers.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Is it fair to say if it wasn't for Comic Relief, Lenny Henry would be starving?
0:28:35 > 0:28:38And finally, is it fair to say if you're watching Channel 5 News
0:28:38 > 0:28:40and something big happens in the world,
0:28:40 > 0:28:43you have got to check on BBC One to see if it is true?
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Thank you very much.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51You know...I actually learn my news from watching this show.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53I don't really watch the news. It upsets me.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56All I know about the world is this - east and west don't get on.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59I think the only way east and west can get on is if the leaders sit down
0:28:59 > 0:29:01and put the best bits of their culture forward,
0:29:01 > 0:29:03taking the worst bits out and moving on as a team.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05It would be a very tense meeting.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07What is the best thing about Islam? Not drinking.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10What is the best thing about the west? Drinking.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Let's toss a coin. We don't gamble. that's that one fucked.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18What is the worst thing about Islam? Women have to cover themselves up.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20What is the worst thing about the Western world?
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Half of our women do not cover themselves up enough.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25I propose that all women are covered up from birth,
0:29:25 > 0:29:28so they don't see themselves once until they're 16,
0:29:28 > 0:29:31so the best-looking women are forced to develop their personalities
0:29:31 > 0:29:32to their potential,
0:29:32 > 0:29:34cos they can't go through life going,
0:29:34 > 0:29:37"Ha-ha! I haven't bought one drink all night.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39Imagine being 16 years old in front of the mirror on your birthday,
0:29:39 > 0:29:42unwrapping yourself like the biggest present ever, going,
0:29:42 > 0:29:45"Please be fit. Please be fit. Please be fit. Please be fit.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47"Please be fit. Please be fit."
0:29:47 > 0:29:48Gutted.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53I'll tell you my news. I've got two children -
0:29:53 > 0:29:54a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter,
0:29:54 > 0:29:56and my wife gave birth to our second little girl
0:29:56 > 0:29:58who was born exactly three months ago today.
0:29:58 > 0:30:02- AUDIENCE:- Aw-w!- Thank you very much indeed. Thank you, I appreciate that.
0:30:02 > 0:30:06I'm the happiest man in the world. I spent the whole day with my daughter yesterday.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08My wife and daughter left me with a little baby.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10I was so nervous in case she's sick or I fall over on her,
0:30:10 > 0:30:13so I carried her round the house in one arm all day long.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17Whatever I did I made sure my daughter was with me, which meant everything I did
0:30:17 > 0:30:19had to involve me only using one arm, which was a constant reminder
0:30:19 > 0:30:23of how I could have avoided the situation in the first place.
0:30:26 > 0:30:30Isn't it a miracle? We're all made by people. Two people can make a person.
0:30:30 > 0:30:31How cool is that? Get this.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33One of them makes milk to feed the person.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35PEOPLE SHOUT Yes!
0:30:35 > 0:30:37Your milk.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42My daughter only has to suck on my wife's nipple, and she gets dinner,
0:30:42 > 0:30:44which is ironic, because when we first met,
0:30:44 > 0:30:46I used to buy her dinner on the off chance...
0:30:46 > 0:30:47LAUGHTER
0:30:53 > 0:30:56I read a woman's magazine that said, because women put on weight
0:30:56 > 0:31:00during pregnancy, it is important to take your wedding ring off.
0:31:00 > 0:31:01So I did.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05I've got to say one thing, about two days ago,
0:31:05 > 0:31:09I made my newborn baby laugh out loud for the first time ever.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12And it felt amazing, because it was new material.
0:31:12 > 0:31:16We've got two children. If we're going to have a third, we've agreed we're going to adopt.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18- That's a good thing to do, isn't it? AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:31:18 > 0:31:22If I adopted a child, it would have to be from Africa, India or China.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24I could never adopt a white child.
0:31:24 > 0:31:28Because if he grows up to be thick, I don't want anyone thinking he's mine.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Fuck off, that was funny and you know it.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Listen to this. I went to a farm the other day with a vegetarian friend of mine.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41You know when you go round looking at the animals,
0:31:41 > 0:31:43there's often one animal you don't quite recognise.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45I wish I had tipped the farmer 20 quid,
0:31:45 > 0:31:48so when my vegetarian friend goes, "What's that one called?"
0:31:48 > 0:31:50I could go, "That's a tofu."
0:31:54 > 0:31:57If there are any vegetarians here tonight who eat quorn
0:31:57 > 0:32:01but believe it's wrong to eat meat, can I point out to you people
0:32:01 > 0:32:04that for that quorn to taste like meat, someone who'd eaten meat
0:32:04 > 0:32:08had to taste the quorn to verify that it tasted like real meat!
0:32:08 > 0:32:12An animal died in the making of your dinner tonight, you self-righteous pricks.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18I'm sure that's a good point.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21I think I met the thickest bloke I have ever met.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24You know, when you meet somebody who is so thick, you're not quite sure
0:32:24 > 0:32:26if you're allowed to take the piss.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29You go, "You're a... Oh, he is. Sorry."
0:32:31 > 0:32:32He had a front tooth missing.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36Do we agree that the thickest person you've ever met has got a front tooth missing?
0:32:36 > 0:32:39When you stare at someone's gap in their teeth, you can concentrate.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42It's like somebody with a hairy mole when you're asking directions.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45You can't listen to what they're saying because all you're seeing is that hairy mole -
0:32:45 > 0:32:48you're staring at it, like this. I don't like comedy stereotypes,
0:32:48 > 0:32:52but that's not a stereotype. You don't hear about front-tooth-missing jokes.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55My dad's Jewish, I'm sick of Jewish stereotypes.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57Stereotypes are based on gross generalisations.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59I've seen Jewish people being generous.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01LAUGHTER
0:33:01 > 0:33:03From that reaction, I am guessing you haven't.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08I've seen black people who can't dance.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11And I've seen loads of women who are very good at parking.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16Admittedly, this was all in the same circus.
0:33:18 > 0:33:22I went to my Arabic barber and had a wet shave today for the show.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24I try to look my best for you and it's...
0:33:24 > 0:33:27I love having a wet shave but it is quite tense,
0:33:27 > 0:33:28you've got an Arab...
0:33:29 > 0:33:30..a Jew...
0:33:31 > 0:33:32..and a blade...
0:33:34 > 0:33:36..and the news on in the background.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42It's also quite tense in my barber's because my barber doesn't know my name.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45You know those friendships you have, like with your milkman,
0:33:45 > 0:33:48where you swap names on the first day and you never get their name again.
0:33:48 > 0:33:52After ten years, you can't ask someone their name. I know my barber's name.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55It's on his shop front. It's the best barbershop name ever. My barber is called Ali...
0:33:55 > 0:33:56Ali the Barber.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58I'm going to play a practical joke on Ali.
0:33:58 > 0:34:02I've decided the biggest high in life you can get is a cringe,
0:34:02 > 0:34:05above falling in love, above seeing your baby being born,
0:34:05 > 0:34:08when you intentionally embarrass yourself in public.
0:34:08 > 0:34:09That rush goes through your body.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12You go, "Oh! Can't believe I just got my cock out in Sainsbury's...
0:34:14 > 0:34:17"..cos that made it more than six items."
0:34:17 > 0:34:19You know that rush? That's a great feeling.
0:34:19 > 0:34:23You can't enjoy that feeling because society has told you it's not a nice feeling.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26Next time you cringe, just get into it, it's amazing.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30I'm going to give Ali the biggest cringe buzz ever.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33You have to use your imaginations. If you haven't got one, pretend.
0:34:33 > 0:34:34LAUGHTER
0:34:36 > 0:34:38Next time Ali shaves me, I'm going to turn round and say,
0:34:38 > 0:34:42"I've known you for ten years, and I consider you to be my friend, Ali."
0:34:42 > 0:34:45And he'll say, "I consider you to be my friend...my friend."
0:34:45 > 0:34:49I'll say, "Do you know what I do for a living?" He'll say no.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52I'll say, "I work with profoundly deaf people, mute people.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55"It's my birthday next week, and I want you to come to my party.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58"It'll be me, you and my seven other best friends in the world who are all mute."
0:34:58 > 0:35:01Let's be honest here. What could be more awkward than going to a birthday party on your own
0:35:01 > 0:35:04where you don't know the host's name or any of his mates
0:35:04 > 0:35:06and they're all mute?
0:35:06 > 0:35:09I'll tell you, when they bring on my birthday cake,
0:35:09 > 0:35:11and you've got to sing Happy Birthday...
0:35:13 > 0:35:16..to a bloke whose name you don't know, with seven mute people.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24I'm glad you are laughing, because that is the end of that bit.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28What you're seeing tonight is a freak show. This is a cerebral freak show -
0:35:28 > 0:35:31dysfunctional people entertaining normal people.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34Are your parents still together? Yeah? Mine aren't. It's your fault.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37My parents got divorced when I was four years old. This is true.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39My mum woke me and my sister up in the night, and said,
0:35:39 > 0:35:42"We're running away, your father's asleep, he knows nothing.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44"Take your favourite thing and we're going."
0:35:44 > 0:35:45I was clever, I took my dad.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51I've got some advice for all the single men in the room,
0:35:51 > 0:35:54or maybe the men at the beginning of a new relationship,
0:35:54 > 0:35:56and have not had sex yet with your new partner -
0:35:56 > 0:35:58this is my advice.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00When you have sex for the first time with your new partner,
0:36:00 > 0:36:07whatever you do, do not... put...your...whole...cock...in.
0:36:10 > 0:36:11Good night.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15I'm suggesting that you hold back a full inch for the first six months.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18You, young lady, have no idea how much willpower it takes a man to know
0:36:18 > 0:36:21there's a full inch you can't use for six months.
0:36:21 > 0:36:25Little tip, get some luminous paint and draw a line across it,
0:36:25 > 0:36:30even two lines close together so that when the first line disappears, you know to stop.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32After three months, when she says it's over,
0:36:32 > 0:36:35you can say, "Give me one more chance, "Give me one more night, baby."
0:36:35 > 0:36:39Take her to her favourite restaurant, a limousine outside, champagne in the fridge, CD on the player.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Have the meal, the limo, the champagne, the CD and then fuck her
0:36:42 > 0:36:44for the last time, but you put your whole cock in
0:36:44 > 0:36:46and I can guarantee you you'll save that relationship,
0:36:46 > 0:36:48just showing how shallow you women really are.
0:36:57 > 0:37:01There is only one slight problem with that theory, and that is that my idea
0:37:01 > 0:37:03of holding back an inch would mean not putting my cock in at all.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09Some people say that pornography objectifies women.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12Surely, it humanises objects.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19We live in a society that's crumbling.
0:37:19 > 0:37:23Politeness is disappearing. You're the generation that have the chance to change this.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25I was in a massive supermarket at the back of the queue,
0:37:25 > 0:37:27and the bloke at the front was paying for loads of things.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30He'd forgotten one item and this is how he dealt with it.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33He put his bags down, sighed, as if he was the only person in the world
0:37:33 > 0:37:37being put out and he walked to the back of the shop at this speed to get it. This was my natural reaction.
0:37:39 > 0:37:43I got that shake when you realise you're being wronged, there's nothing worse than being wronged,
0:37:43 > 0:37:45apart from someone you love being wronged.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48I've been with my wife for nine years, I've reached the stage now,
0:37:48 > 0:37:50I can't even listen to her problems any more, her stories.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53She'll come home from work, saying, "That new girl was so rude to me."
0:37:53 > 0:37:55I'm going, "Just tell me the end now, I can't cope."
0:37:55 > 0:37:57You've got to sit through a ten-minute sad bit,
0:37:57 > 0:38:00then it turns out it wasn't that sad. You've suffered for nothing.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03She'll go, "Last night I got raped. It was all a dream!"
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Put the word "dream" at the beginning of your sen...
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Don't even describe your dream, because dreams are boring.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11I've got a friend who goes, "I had a dream, I was a flying giraffe,
0:38:11 > 0:38:13"I could fly upside down and breathe underwater at the same time.
0:38:13 > 0:38:17"I had my grandmother's face, blue hair and my thoughts were in Morse code,
0:38:17 > 0:38:19"and the fish could read my mind and I did not realise.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21"I offended one fish which was really ugly,
0:38:21 > 0:38:23"and it turned out to be a woman fish. Yeah."
0:38:23 > 0:38:25And you switch off, don't you?
0:38:25 > 0:38:28That is why there is so much racism in the world today
0:38:28 > 0:38:31cos 50-odd years ago, Martin Luther King said, "I have a dream,"
0:38:31 > 0:38:35and 200,000 people went, "Oh, fuck off, mate."
0:38:37 > 0:38:38So...
0:38:40 > 0:38:42..back to my story.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45I am trembling like this, he goes and gets his thing
0:38:45 > 0:38:46and this is where I think anger starts.
0:38:46 > 0:38:50It is about expectation. I decided how sorry he had to be.
0:38:50 > 0:38:54I wrote in my mind the minimum apology I was prepared to accept from that man.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56When you've got your minimum apology,
0:38:56 > 0:38:59you start to write the hypothetical rant that you'd like to say,
0:38:59 > 0:39:01if they don't make your minimum apology
0:39:01 > 0:39:05which is very dangerous, because by the third edit, you've got it all memorised.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08They come back, you're pissed off with an autocue in front of you. It's no wonder...
0:39:08 > 0:39:11I can't type fast, but when I'm complaining, my fingers can go like this.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14It's like I'm so pissed off I want to ruin their life as early as possible.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17A friend goes, "You're not going to send that, are you?"
0:39:17 > 0:39:19"No, I won't send it. I'll edit it," but you don't.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21You have a double espresso and go, "Fuck it!"
0:39:21 > 0:39:23Isn't it sad when you think how short life is
0:39:23 > 0:39:26that all over the world, there are millions of people going like this,
0:39:26 > 0:39:30because one person didn't have the decency to just apologise.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32I genuinely believe that "sorry"
0:39:32 > 0:39:34is the single most powerful word in our language,
0:39:34 > 0:39:37next to maybe "blowjob" and "abracadabra".
0:39:39 > 0:39:42It goes "blowjob", "abracadabra", and then "sorry",
0:39:42 > 0:39:45which I've often been known to say back to back.
0:39:45 > 0:39:46APPLAUSE
0:39:48 > 0:39:49Thank you.
0:39:51 > 0:39:55My message is, whether you believe in God or not, it doesn't matter,
0:39:55 > 0:39:58be a good person. That's obvious, isn't it? I do believe in God,
0:39:58 > 0:40:01and I'd like to meet God to tell him why I have sometimes doubted him.
0:40:01 > 0:40:05It's not tsunamis, it's not illnesses, the reason I doubt God's existence
0:40:05 > 0:40:09is because all seven billion people on this planet, without exception...
0:40:09 > 0:40:10poo.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14Why did God make a poo? He made a rainbow, then a butterfly, then an apple, then a butterfly,
0:40:14 > 0:40:17then a big fat poo. Does that make sense to you?
0:40:17 > 0:40:22We have to procreate. For us to procreate, we have to find each other attractive. I'm a heterosexual man.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25When I look at a heterosexual woman or a lesbian if she's made an effort...
0:40:26 > 0:40:28I'm only joking, sisters.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31All women are beautiful. You get to know them, their eyes, nose,
0:40:31 > 0:40:33hair, breasts, nipples, belly buttons, those two dimples
0:40:33 > 0:40:35on the back - what are those dimples for?
0:40:35 > 0:40:38If you touch them at the same time you get an electric shock.
0:40:38 > 0:40:42Bums, thighs, calves, feet, not many feet. Do you know what feet are?
0:40:42 > 0:40:45Feet are where God got bored drawing us. God went,
0:40:45 > 0:40:49"Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm...boing... hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm...
0:40:49 > 0:40:51"Oh, sod it!"
0:40:51 > 0:40:53But apart from feet, why would God spent months
0:40:53 > 0:40:55making the most incredible thing in the universe,
0:40:55 > 0:40:57the woman, the creator of life,
0:40:57 > 0:41:00and thinks, "It's not ready, something's missing, can't put my finger on it,
0:41:00 > 0:41:03"I've got it! I'll get a big poo and stick it bang in the middle.
0:41:03 > 0:41:07There's 300 people here, half of you are women, you look fantastic, you really do,
0:41:07 > 0:41:11but when I think about the fact you have all got a big poo inside you...
0:41:11 > 0:41:14I'm appalled you had the nerve to come out tonight.
0:41:19 > 0:41:20That is why...
0:41:20 > 0:41:22APPLAUSE CONTINUES Thank you.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24That's why I'd like to meet God.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27And I'd say, "Hello, God, I'm Adam. Not that one.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31"Listen, God, I've always wanted to meet you.
0:41:31 > 0:41:35"I'm a big fan of your work, particularly the early stuff.
0:41:35 > 0:41:39"But I've got one question, God, just to get inside the mind of God, one question -
0:41:39 > 0:41:41"What is with the poo? What is with the poo, God?"
0:41:41 > 0:41:43God might turn round and say, "You've got it all wrong,
0:41:43 > 0:41:45"you rub it in your face, it makes you fly."
0:41:49 > 0:41:53Now, half of you are laughing, the rest are going, "I'm going to try that when I get home."
0:41:53 > 0:41:59My name's Adam Bloom. Thank you so much. See you again. Bye-bye. Thank you.
0:41:59 > 0:42:01Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Bloom!
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Thank you
0:42:05 > 0:42:09very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends. Good night.
0:42:30 > 0:42:31Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd