0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Thanks very much indeed.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Thank you.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Over on Look East, they've recreated the latest Bond film
0:00:41 > 0:00:43on a much smaller budget.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46SINGING THE JAMES BOND THEME
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Now, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure this guy is being spied on.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58A lot of buildings obviously lose heat through the roof...
0:00:58 > 0:01:02LAUGHTER COVERS SPEECH
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Did anyone else see Nick Clegg getting heckled by a child?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11The Government is going to make life untenable for small to medium
0:01:11 > 0:01:15businesses who'll have no idea who's going off on leave and for how long.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- CHILD:- Uh-oh!
0:01:17 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Boom!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24"Uh-oh!"
0:01:24 > 0:01:27That's nothing - he's getting stalked by a zombie!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29That's something which I hope people...
0:01:29 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER COVERS SPEECH
0:01:32 > 0:01:34And finally, it's this newsreader's last day
0:01:34 > 0:01:37and, luckily, she stayed professional right to the end.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39That's all for this week, I'll be back with more,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42hopefully you'll join me Monday at eight o'clock.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Bye, guys.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:53So, what's been going on?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Christ! Am I the only one who was shocked by this?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Nadine Dorries took everyone by surprise when she decided
0:01:59 > 0:02:00to become the first sitting MP
0:02:00 > 0:02:03to appear on ITV's I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05She hopes that, by going down under,
0:02:05 > 0:02:08she'll get a bigger audience for her political views back home.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:15She wants us to talk about politics?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18So, how's that going for her?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21So far, she's eaten a camel toe, a crocodile anus, and a lamb's testicle.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:25"I'm teaching kids about politics!"
0:02:25 > 0:02:28No, you're eating kangaroo bollocks.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Martin Luther King had a dream - she's munching on ferret dick!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36If that's how you get people voting,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39how long till we see Nick Clegg rimming a porcupine?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41LAUGHTER
0:02:41 > 0:02:44"Please, like me!"
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"Argh! Zombie!"
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Mind you, she's clearly loopy.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Did you see why she's doing the show?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54She told The Sun newspaper...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59MPs on I'm A Celebrity?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Now, I'm a fan of Boris, but I don't want to see him like this...
0:03:03 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:06 > 0:03:10MPs should be at home, working for the people that got them into power,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13not sat in the jungle chewing on wallaby knackers.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16What next? MPs on Take Me Out?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Single man, reveal yourself!
0:03:20 > 0:03:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:03:23 > 0:03:26# I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning
0:03:26 > 0:03:29# Like a whirlpool it never ends... #
0:03:32 > 0:03:36David, from London. Girls, are you turned on, or turned off?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Staying down under, Prince Charles has been under attack.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51A man has been arrested in New Zealand for allegedly planning
0:03:51 > 0:03:54to attack the Prince of Wales and Duchess of Cornwall.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Oh, my God, what did he do? Did he try and shoot them?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Police noticed a man nearby with a bucket.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Inside that bucket - horse manure.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06The man wanted to throw the dung at Charles and Camilla.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09He tried to throw horse shit at them.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I wish he'd got them.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Imagine Prince Philip reading the papers.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17"He-he-he-he, look, Liz, Charlie God shit bombed!"
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"He looks like Morph!"
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I shouldn't joke -
0:04:25 > 0:04:28apparently Camilla was so scared she could hardly breathe.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30BRAYING
0:04:33 > 0:04:35So, you're probably thinking after he got caught,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37this poo assassin will never strike again.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Next time, Charlie, next time.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50He wasn't the only celeb under attack.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Did you hear about Phillip Schofield?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55The TV presenter Phillip Schofield has been disciplined by ITV
0:04:55 > 0:05:00for giving a list of alleged child abusers to David Cameron live on air.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02What a dick. Schofield is in no position
0:05:02 > 0:05:04to have a go at anyone for abuse.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08He had his hand up Gordon the Gopher's arse for 10 years.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13"Say hello to the kids." "Leave me alone!"
0:05:14 > 0:05:17"Leave me, Phillip!"
0:05:17 > 0:05:19To be honest, it's not Schofield they want to watch, it's Holly.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23She doesn't know the difference between Star Wars and the Nazis.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27We are set, apparently, for a heat wave.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30This is according to the force casters... Force casters?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32May the force be with you!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34LAUGHTER
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Stupid you are, Holly!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Mind you, Schofield's not the only broadcaster in the news.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Because of the Lord McAlpine scandal there was talk that
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Jeremy Paxman was going to leave Newsnight.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Now, luckily, he's dismissed those rumours. Thank God for that.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01British TV needs someone like him. Nobody slams a guest like Paxman.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Look what he made of this lady's book.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Your publicist gave us chapter one, Ann Coulter.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I've read it - does it get any better?
0:06:09 > 0:06:14He's brilliant. I mean, who else would ask David Cameron this?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16David Cameron, do you know what a pink pussy is?
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Um...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I don't think I do.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Now my favourite Paxman moment ever did you see the episode
0:06:24 > 0:06:26where they forced him to read the weather?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29It's brilliant. He couldn't give a toss.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32And now on the theory that, while some people are interested
0:06:32 > 0:06:35in the markets, everyone's interested in the weather, here it is.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Eastern parts will mainly avoid the rain,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39except for those that don't,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42western areas will be cloudy with rain,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44except in those places that don't have rain.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49He was even better the next night.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52And finally, by popular demand, the second Newsnight weather forecast -
0:06:52 > 0:06:54take an umbrella with you tomorrow.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Now, away from the turbulent world of broadcasting,
0:07:03 > 0:07:07there was this moment of sporting genius.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10A stunning goal for Sweden in a friendly against England last night
0:07:10 > 0:07:13is being celebrated as one of the best ever scored.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Is this the greatest goal of all time?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22What a goal.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26I watched it in a pub, and the entire bar had a football orgasm.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28There was 50 men just going, "Oh! Oh...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30"Oooooh!"
0:07:31 > 0:07:34There is something incredible about amazing football skills.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37But here's a tip if you're going to show off on video,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39make sure you're alone.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41MUSIC
0:07:45 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:56 > 0:07:59In health news, bad news for potheads.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Young people who smoke cannabis could permanently damage
0:08:02 > 0:08:04their levels of intelligence and memory.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07You're telling me. Look at this graffiti.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:17It gets worse look what I found in the toilet...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23..and what was underneath...?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:38AUDIENCE GROANS
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Elsewhere this week,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43there's been a huge breakthrough for pregnant women.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45This is fantastic news.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55That's right! Giving blow jobs gets rid of morning sickness!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Very nice.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58I agree with Boris.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Men watching if you see a pregnant woman
0:09:01 > 0:09:05looking a bit peaky on a train...
0:09:05 > 0:09:10it is your duty... to ease her suffering...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13by offering her a soothing blow job.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16And don't you dare let her thank you.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19You are a hero, my friend.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21It's so ridiculous, isn't it?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Blow jobs cure morning sickness?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26It's like a weird, Victorian wives tale.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29"If your tummy has an ache, suck a one-eyed trouser snake."
0:09:31 > 0:09:34"If you're feeling in a tizz, guzzle on his..."
0:09:34 > 0:09:35You get the point.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:37 > 0:09:41"If you're feeling in a funk, cover your f..." You know, anyway.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Wouldn't it be great for men if our wangs cured everything?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49"I've got a cold." "Uhhhnnn!"
0:09:49 > 0:09:50"I've got a headache." "Yeah!"
0:09:50 > 0:09:52"I've got herpes." "Whoa!"
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Mind you, if oral sex does cure morning sickness,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59it's really going to change One Born Every Minute.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02'Susie's having trouble on the ward.'
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Aargh! Ow!
0:10:04 > 0:10:08'Luckily, Darren is on hand to help.'
0:10:08 > 0:10:10HE UNZIPS FLY
0:10:12 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Not that it's the weirdest health story in the news.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Have a look at this.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26This is Joni, my cat.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30And I love her more than she knows. Or does she?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Could she actually be controlling my brain?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36No!
0:10:36 > 0:10:37She's a cat!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Get ready for this. This is truly insane.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42According to the latest scientific research,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44owning a cat
0:10:44 > 0:10:47may increase the chance of suicide.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52What?! I tell you what, this guy must be shitting himself!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:58But never mind Jess, Pat should be more worried
0:10:58 > 0:11:01about the filthy way Farmer Alf gets him out of a tree.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Come on, then. Let's be having you!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Oh!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07ALF GROANS AND GRIMACES
0:11:09 > 0:11:11BIRD CHIRRUPS
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Damn right!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19To be honest, I'm not surprised that cats are evil.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I've actually translated what they've been saying.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Now, here is what YOU hear.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- KITTEN MEOWS - Oh, cute! Oh, lovely!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Aw, he's a lovely cat with a lovely old lady!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Here's what these monsters are actually saying!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34KITTEN MEOWS
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Vicious little bastard!
0:11:46 > 0:11:50The big crime story was all about the vote for police commissioners.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52The first police and crime commissioners
0:11:52 > 0:11:54have been elected in England and Wales.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59They've produced the lowest voter turnout in peacetime history.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Can you tell me who you voted for? - I don't remember, to be honest.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05People couldn't give a shit!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Look what someone did to an official ballot paper.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12LAUGHTER
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I didn't even know you could vote for Nick Clegg.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Some voters even invented their own candidates.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25In fairness, he's a pretty good cop.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29I'm going to clean up these streets! Hurgh!
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Mind you...that's not mine! Mind you...
0:12:35 > 0:12:36it's little wonder nobody voted,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38when you look at some of the candidates.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42My favourite was a bloke called Godfrey Bloom.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Look how he tried to win the vote.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Anyway, consider me,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48November the 15th, police commissioner, Godfrey Bloom.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52And otherwise, I'll stop buying my cream buns in here.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Yes, you heard me!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57If you don't vote for me,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I shall buy my macaroons elsewhere!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Good day to you, sir.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06The man is hilarious. Look how he reckons the police behave.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08In East Yorkshire at the moment,
0:13:08 > 0:13:09you cannot shake a hedgerow
0:13:09 > 0:13:12without a policeman falling out of it with a laser gun in his hand.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19To which the obvious question is...
0:13:19 > 0:13:20why are you shaking a hedge?!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24"I like making badgers jiggle."
0:13:28 > 0:13:30"Stop it!"
0:13:31 > 0:13:35That is THE best impression of a jiggling badger you will ever see!
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Mind you, it is weird.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Have a look at how shops in London are trying to stop burglary.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Could images of babies help reduce the crime rate?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Some store owners in south-east London are hoping so.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49They're trying to stop break-ins
0:13:49 > 0:13:52by putting pictures of toddlers on shops.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54What's that street called, Savile Row?!
0:13:54 > 0:13:58GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Mind you, it might work.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Did you see who they're putting on the shops?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Wouldn't it be great if toddlers were the secret to stopping crime?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Oh, you'd never be frightened of being mugged again.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- Give me your phone or I'm going to fucking kill you!- Oh, really?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Jog on, toilet!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27HE SQUEALS
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Thanks so much for helping m..!
0:14:37 > 0:14:41APPLAUSE
0:14:41 > 0:14:43From babies to an even bigger crime!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46One of the top young Scrabble players in the country
0:14:46 > 0:14:49has been kicked out of the game's national championship tournament
0:14:49 > 0:14:50here in Florida for cheating.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53SON OF A BITCH!!
0:14:53 > 0:14:57So, did the media overreact? Oh, just a bit(!)
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I don't usually get emotional about these things,
0:14:59 > 0:15:01but people like this guy should be put away for life.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08I HOPE HE DIES! SCRABBLE BASTARD!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Nothing gets people angry like Scrabble.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Last year, my brother ripped a board in half
0:15:14 > 0:15:18after we wouldn't let him play the letters, H-G-N-N-N.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20We were like, "Dan, HGNNN isn't a word!"
0:15:23 > 0:15:24And he said, "Yeah, it is.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28"It's the noise you make when you're having a shit.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29"HGNNN!" It gets worse...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32And my mum went, "No, it's not. It's, "Oooh!"
0:15:33 > 0:15:36And after that, we stopped playing Scrabble!
0:15:38 > 0:15:39So, who is this evil cheat?
0:15:39 > 0:15:40This is the only information we have.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43He's 13, and he's not been named.
0:15:43 > 0:15:4613 years old and he's not been named.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47How cruel are his parents?!
0:15:53 > 0:15:55This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57There's a mystery guest who's been in the news,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01So, please welcome my mystery guest.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- How you doing?- Hello.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14- Hello, I'm Russell.- Hello.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I've got to do...I've got a knackered hand.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Amy?- Yes.- Nice to meet you.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20So, Amy, we find ourselves in a sauna.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Erm, does it have anything to do with saunas?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- Are you a sauna champion?- No.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Are you the best sweater in England?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- Not exactly.- Not exactly?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31But it is part of the job.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- Part of your job is to sweat?- Yes.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37LAUGHTER
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- And this is the only way you do it? - There is other ways,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42but this is the quickest way.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43What are the other ways to sweat?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45By going running, or...
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Oh, right. I thought...
0:16:47 > 0:16:49No, not that.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- LAUGHTER - No, I didn't mean that! No!
0:16:52 > 0:16:55But do you ever find yourself doing that, thinking,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- "This is great for work!?" - Not really, no.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01OK, you've got interesting boots on.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06If I was ever in a sauna and I saw a lady wearing those boots...
0:17:07 > 0:17:09..I'd be fairly worried that...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- are you a dominatrix?- No, I'm not.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Thank God for that!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I'm feeling a bit ill. The last thing I need...
0:17:15 > 0:17:17You seem lovely, but I don't want a whipping tonight.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19What's that there?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Can I have a look? You've got something else there.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- Do you mind if I have a look? - Oh, gosh!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28That looks like a whip!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Why have you got a whip?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34That's what I use, but not in that way!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- So you use this for your work?- I do.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39What do you hit?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Er, it involves animals.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:50So you sweat a lot and you hit animals.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54So what kind of animals? Not a Chihuahua,
0:17:54 > 0:17:59cos if you caught one of them little buggers like that,
0:17:59 > 0:18:03you could properly...is that what you do? Chihuahua golf? Like that?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Wheeee!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08HE MIMICS GUN FIRE
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Have you ever shot a Chihuahua?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- No.- Oh, you thought about that!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15"No, no, just a Labrador."
0:18:15 > 0:18:17So, OK, it's got something to do with
0:18:17 > 0:18:19whipping and boots, and animals.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Am I allowed...this seems incredibly pervy. I don't mean it to be.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Can I have a look underneath your towel? Is that all right?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Is that OK?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- Yes.- OK.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32HE SINGS BURLESQUE TUNE
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Oh, I've got it! I know what it is now!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- Are you a jockey?- I am.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Oh, excellent! I've got it! There you go!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:18:44 > 0:18:45So why are you in news?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I was the first female to become champion apprentice jockey outright.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- Excellent! - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah! - That's right.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Now, Amy, how did you become a jockey?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Well, I was born into it. My dad trains racehorses.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Wow. Who's your favourite horse?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- Advanced.- Advanced! - An old horse in the yard.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Oh, is he? Why is he your favourite?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Because I won a lot of money on him!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:24"He has a lovely mane and a wonderful nature...
0:19:24 > 0:19:25"No, he's made me shitloads, mate!"
0:19:28 > 0:19:31So, Amy, are we going to give horse riding a go?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I'll give you a crash course and see how you get on.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- Let's do this. - APPLAUSE
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- What are we going to do? - We couldn't get a real horse.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41This is a simulator we practice on.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- I'm going to show you a few techniques.- Lovely stuff.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- Get on. There's your whip. - Thanks very much.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- Stick your feet in your irons. - So...ow!
0:19:51 > 0:19:54LAUGHTER
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Thank you.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- SHE GIGGLES - Yeah, right.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- All right?- Yeah...
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- So get your reins over the top. - Oh, like that?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Yeah, and push up.- Push what up? - The horse.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- Push up the horse's neck. - Push up his neck?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11And give it a slap.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13HE WHIPS HORSE Yeah!
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Go like that? Yeah, fine.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Awesome. Lovely stuff.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I'm enjoying this!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I think you're ready now, if you'd like to dismount.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Oh, no!
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Sit down!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- Take your feet out! - I was going to do a Frankie Dettori!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30No!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32AUDIENCE GASPS AND LAUGHS
0:20:32 > 0:20:35APPLAUSE Take your feet out!
0:20:37 > 0:20:40And that one. OK.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Obviously, this horse doesn't move,
0:20:42 > 0:20:44and we have got one for you that does move.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- We've got a real horse?- So if we can bring your horse on, please?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48LAUGHTER
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I thought it'd be a bit unfair for you to race me,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55so I've got you somebody to race,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58and it is your friend, Karl, so if we can bring him on with his horse.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Lovely Karl Minns, ladies and gentlemen, please!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- Come on, Karl.- Dressed like I'm a fucking Quality Street!
0:21:11 > 0:21:15- Karl, shall we race?- Let's do it. - We just get on.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Whoa, Christ!
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Oh, I see. Whoa!
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- You should be the adjudicator. - You're favourite, actually,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25so you'll have to get a move on.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27My odds are pretty long.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28So I'll set you on your way.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30You're under starter's orders. You're off!
0:21:30 > 0:21:33MUSIC: "William Tell Overture"
0:21:33 > 0:21:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Karl...
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Yes, you fucking cheating bastard.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Trophy!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Come on. Let's hold it together.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Yes!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Karl Minns
0:22:20 > 0:22:23and my wonderful mystery guest!
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Have you seen what scientists claim can make us work harder?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35A new study from Hiroshima University
0:22:35 > 0:22:40finds that looking at photos of cute baby animals improves productivity.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Cute animals make you work hard. If that's true,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46I'm about to put productivity in Britain through the roof.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48# I like to move it, move it
0:22:48 > 0:22:50# I like to move it, move it
0:22:50 > 0:22:52# I like to move it, move it
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- # I like to move it...- Move it! #
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Let's be honest, this story is bollocks.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Looking at that does not make you want to work hard.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02It makes you want to find a pug and glue him to a pram.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04There's some cheering. "Yeah, let's do that!"
0:23:08 > 0:23:11If you see a cute animal, you don't work hard, you drop everything.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16It makes you think, "How the hell did Noah manage to build that ark?"
0:23:16 > 0:23:18"Oh, look at the penguins!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20"Look at the rabbits!
0:23:20 > 0:23:21"What the fuck is THAT?"
0:23:24 > 0:23:26"Fuck you, Noah!
0:23:26 > 0:23:32"It's what's inside that counts. I've got a lovely personality.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38"You're a tosser, Noah!"
0:23:41 > 0:23:43We shouldn't be so obsessed with work, work, work.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Sometimes the best stuff happens when you're just messing around.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Mind you, there is one animal that's been working hard.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06The dog from the film The Artist has written a book.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07He has a story to tell.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11This is not an ordinary dog that is just acting in the movies.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13This is a dog that has a story.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15That's going to be a page-turner, innit?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18"Woke up, went for a walk,
0:24:18 > 0:24:23"sniffed a few arses, went to bed."
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Actually, sounds like my brother's dream day.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30It's madness. He's a dog! He doesn't want to write a book.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Did you see him on the news? He was focused on other things.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36..thought it would be a great idea to write a book...
0:24:36 > 0:24:40# Never mind, I'll find someone like you
0:24:42 > 0:24:49# I wish nothing but the best for you
0:24:49 > 0:24:51# Sometimes it lasts in love
0:24:51 > 0:24:54# But sometimes it hurts instead. #
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- AUDIENCE:- Aww!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Mind you, if you think a dog writing a book is strange, check this out.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12Hank Hough of Spring created Kingdom Dog Ministries,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14a backyard-born presentation
0:25:14 > 0:25:16of the Gospel of Jesus Christ,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18and the preacher? You're looking at him.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23That's right, there's a church in America whose vicar is a dog.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Have you seen the reason why?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30If you spell his name backwards, it spells God, G-O-D.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Ha-ha!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Which makes him a citanul gnikcuf,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37which is, of course, backwards for
0:25:37 > 0:25:39fucking lunatic!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41You can't have a dog in a church.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Imagine the noise - the organ, the hymns.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Dogs don't react well to unusual sounds.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52HORN HONKS
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Ah! No!
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Finally tonight, a lovely story
0:26:02 > 0:26:04about a British charity called Over The Wall.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06How are you feeling?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I've been sick a lot.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13I've got kidney problems, so my kidneys don't work properly.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16What it is, when my kidneys relapse,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18all of the fluid from my kidneys,
0:26:18 > 0:26:21it goes from my thighs, from my leg,
0:26:21 > 0:26:23and it's just quite painful.
0:26:23 > 0:26:28So what's it like to go away for a week with other people
0:26:28 > 0:26:30who understand what it's like to be poorly?
0:26:30 > 0:26:35It's quite cool because when you're doing all these activities,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38you just forget about it, really. It's just fun.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40GUITAR PLAYS
0:26:40 > 0:26:43# Don't mess with dynamite don't mess with dynamite
0:26:43 > 0:26:47# Cos when you mess with dynamite it goes tick tick tick tick
0:26:47 > 0:26:49# Boom, dynamite... #
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Over The Wall is a UK children's charity.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54We run residential activity camps for kids with serious illnesses.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56They get an opportunity to just relax and have fun
0:26:56 > 0:26:58and not have to worry about their medical conditions.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01We want to be able to bring them away for a week
0:27:01 > 0:27:03and say, "Yes, you can do stuff."
0:27:03 > 0:27:07- This is my special pass I had when I was there.- Yep.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- So is this precious to you?- Yeah.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- APPLAUSE - Awesome, innit?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Now it's time for something very unique indeed,
0:27:23 > 0:27:25and a little different from our regular stand-up guest -
0:27:25 > 0:27:28this man is huge in the US and it's my pleasure to have him
0:27:28 > 0:27:30on British TV for the very first time. So, ladies and gentlemen,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33please welcome the fantastic Mr Reggie Watts.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36CHEERING
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Thank you. Thank you.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Um...
0:27:49 > 0:27:53IN ENGLISH ACCENT: What can I say? You know, it's been a great year.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Coming to a close and all I can say is...
0:27:59 > 0:28:01HE CHUCKLES
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Um...
0:28:02 > 0:28:05I've got for you a few bits of technology that we're going
0:28:05 > 0:28:07to be running through this evening,
0:28:07 > 0:28:11so I hope you guys are going to go along for the ride.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Um, so...
0:28:13 > 0:28:17A lot of you guys have been wondering, "What's this box here?"
0:28:17 > 0:28:22Um, I believe you two over there were specifically asking about this box.
0:28:22 > 0:28:27It's a reverb box, contains all the reverbs of the known universes.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29But slightly differently.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33Now, over time a lot of you guys have been wondering about certain things
0:28:33 > 0:28:36that other people have said that certain things are not
0:28:36 > 0:28:38about the certainty of the those things that should be certain
0:28:38 > 0:28:44amongst those people who are so certain about the certainty of uncertainty itself, and that's fine.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47But we've been working about this for quite some time.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50ENGLISH ACCENT BECOMES AMERICAN: I think one of my favourite things
0:28:50 > 0:28:55that I really enjoy doing is doing different types of songs for people,
0:28:55 > 0:28:56different types of people.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00I know most of the people in here are Anglo-Saxon
0:29:00 > 0:29:04and have been raised here,
0:29:04 > 0:29:09are from here and are not people of colour. Um...
0:29:10 > 0:29:15People of colour are people that you can look at and you're like,
0:29:15 > 0:29:19"OK, there's a little bit of colour there."
0:29:19 > 0:29:22So, be on the lookout for those people, there's a lot of people.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25I'm not going to point them out.
0:29:25 > 0:29:29Without further ado, I'd like to do this little thing here with this,
0:29:29 > 0:29:33so I want you to follow this. I'm going to put this over here.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35I'm just going to sit this inside here.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38I'm going to make an adjustment here, I want you guys to...
0:29:38 > 0:29:39I know you guys can't see here
0:29:39 > 0:29:41but look at the monitors, you'll be able to see.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44I'm just touching right here. OK?
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Take this, I'm just going to put it here, a little bit of pressure,
0:29:47 > 0:29:50I'm just going to squeeze it and rotate it.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55OK? Now, it just kind of goes down like this. OK?
0:29:55 > 0:29:58I'm going to re or de-rotate it.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01I'm going to move this over here by the table.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04You're going to want to leave a gap of about this much here.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07Just to give yourself a little bit of room.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10I'm going to try to find the end of this cable. Where do we start?
0:30:10 > 0:30:14Well, we start where we can see the cable, which is right here. OK?
0:30:14 > 0:30:18I'm just going to follow this over here, I'm going to just slowly
0:30:18 > 0:30:22pull along here until there's a little bit of resistance.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Oh, OK, there's the end. OK.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30So, we're just going to rotate this around this way
0:30:30 > 0:30:33and put it under here, OK?
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Going to just give a little bit of a tug, take it over here,
0:30:36 > 0:30:39just to see if it can do that. OK?
0:30:39 > 0:30:44I'm just going to take it back out of there now that we know that that's possible.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48And I'm just going to find the hole. Try practising by not looking.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51That's always good. Oh, there it is. OK.
0:30:51 > 0:30:55And just gently, a little pressure, kind of in and out
0:30:55 > 0:30:58but not all the way at first. OK?
0:30:58 > 0:31:01You want a little bit of surprise later on. OK?
0:31:01 > 0:31:06And then at a certain moment, boom! There's the full ride. OK?
0:31:06 > 0:31:09So now we know the parameters. So now let's just check this.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Uh-oh, what's happened here?
0:31:11 > 0:31:13This wire's under this wire,
0:31:13 > 0:31:16it makes it real hard to get the microphone through.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20So, just lift this up like this. Put this underneath like this.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23And just bring it out like this.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25OK? I'm just going to let that go.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29(Uncoil. Let me take this.)
0:31:29 > 0:31:31Now we're just going to talk into it like this, OK?
0:31:31 > 0:31:34Talk into it a little bit like this.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39OK, so this first song that I'm going to do for you,
0:31:39 > 0:31:42this is a song that comes all the way from Australia,
0:31:42 > 0:31:46where I'm from and I want you guys to really give it up.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49This goes out to all the Joeys out there, the kangaroos,
0:31:49 > 0:31:53all the wallabies, the bilbies, all of those. OK? So here we go.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58HE BEATBOXES
0:32:02 > 0:32:04BEATBOXING LOOP CONTINUES
0:32:07 > 0:32:12HE IMITATES A DIDGERIDOO
0:32:16 > 0:32:19Come on. Come on. Yeah. Come on.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22Sometimes 85,365 people and stuff...
0:32:22 > 0:32:27RAPPING BECOMES DELIBERATELY INTELLIGIBLE
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Say what? Say what?
0:32:44 > 0:32:45LAUGHTER
0:32:45 > 0:32:49SINGING: Put your hand in the cookie jar.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52Put your hand in the cookie jar.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55Put your hand in the cookie jar.
0:32:55 > 0:33:01P-P-P-Put your hand, put your hand, p-p-put your hand in the cookie jar.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03Put your hand in the cookie,
0:33:03 > 0:33:08p-p-p-p-put your hand in the cookie jar.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Yeah. Come on. Come on. Yeah. Yeah.
0:33:10 > 0:33:11MUSIC STOPS
0:33:11 > 0:33:14APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:33:15 > 0:33:17Thank you.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25Um, this is a beat that I acquired... I travel a lot.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28How many of you guys are familiar with hip-hop? Anybody? SOME CHEERS
0:33:28 > 0:33:31OK. How about dubstep? dubstep? CHEERING
0:33:31 > 0:33:36Yeah. Yeah. He's like, "Argh!"
0:33:36 > 0:33:37Um...
0:33:38 > 0:33:41How many people are familiar with garage?
0:33:41 > 0:33:44CHEERING OK. Craig David?
0:33:44 > 0:33:46SOME CHEERS
0:33:46 > 0:33:51Amazing guy. Um, how many people are familiar with Lisa Stansfield?
0:33:51 > 0:33:53FEW CHEERS
0:33:53 > 0:33:56OK, not as much. How about Lisa Kudrow?
0:33:56 > 0:33:58SOME CHEERS
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Lisa Lampanelli? SILENCE
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam?
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Michael Jackson?
0:34:05 > 0:34:09The Australian way of pronouncing it - Michael "Jickson".
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Anybody? No? OK.
0:34:11 > 0:34:16I'm going to take all the suggestions that you guys just agreed with.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19I'm going to mix them up into one song and I hope you guys like it.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28LAUGHTER
0:34:40 > 0:34:41OK, here we go.
0:34:45 > 0:34:49HE BEATBOXES
0:34:59 > 0:35:01..cha-cha. LAUGHTER
0:35:01 > 0:35:05HE BEATBOXES
0:35:24 > 0:35:29IMITATES CHEWING
0:35:34 > 0:35:37Anyways, those are moist beats, I'm really...
0:35:37 > 0:35:42I'm trying to get that to be the next thing, because we have dubstep
0:35:42 > 0:35:46and dubstep is like "Oh," you know, "help, I can't stop. Argh!"
0:35:46 > 0:35:47It's like that.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50But I want some moist beats, you know what I'm saying?
0:35:50 > 0:35:52So you're just like, "Oh!"
0:35:52 > 0:35:54IMITATES CHEWING
0:35:54 > 0:35:57That's the next shit. OK. Check it out.
0:36:02 > 0:36:04LAUGHTER
0:36:12 > 0:36:14OK. Here we go. Check.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19OK.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24One, two, one, two, three, four.
0:36:24 > 0:36:28HE BEATBOXES
0:36:33 > 0:36:36BEATBOX LOOP PLAYS
0:36:46 > 0:36:49SINGING: Every time I put myself on the line
0:36:49 > 0:36:51no-one tells me that it could be true.
0:36:53 > 0:36:59Even when I do it on my own I never thought that I could be with you.
0:36:59 > 0:37:04You got me roaming along, shining my shoes,
0:37:04 > 0:37:07telling everybody that you're all out of lose.
0:37:07 > 0:37:12I want to buy some biscuits but they're out of the store every night,
0:37:12 > 0:37:14shopping, night shopping, night shopping.
0:37:14 > 0:37:20Threw it away, sneaking away, trying to take two bars of chocolate,
0:37:20 > 0:37:24put it in my pockets so when I come back in,
0:37:24 > 0:37:29my parents never notice that I had extra sins.
0:37:29 > 0:37:34And if you want to take a trip down the road, all you got to do is....
0:37:34 > 0:37:37Actually the motor functions... brain...down the road.
0:37:37 > 0:37:38LAUGHTER
0:37:38 > 0:37:43Oh. Every...Ow...Geronimo.
0:37:43 > 0:37:49I just want to do it heart and soul because I never gave it some time.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51Oh-oh...
0:37:51 > 0:37:54UNINTELLIGIBLE SINGING
0:37:54 > 0:37:56..just a little bit tight...
0:37:56 > 0:38:01I want to know what it takes to love you.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04UNINTELLIGIBLE SINGING
0:38:05 > 0:38:10GIBBERISH
0:38:12 > 0:38:16HE BEATBOXES
0:38:22 > 0:38:25Yeah. Where's my beat? Yeah, OK, here we go.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30HE BEATBOXES OVER LOOP
0:38:40 > 0:38:44UNINTELLIGIBLE WORDS
0:38:47 > 0:38:52FOREIGN-SOUNDING GIBBERISH
0:39:02 > 0:39:05LAUGHTER
0:39:07 > 0:39:12BEATBOXING MIXES WITH GIBBERISH
0:39:29 > 0:39:30Condom style.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:44 > 0:39:51SINGING: Everybody wants to have some fun, but you don't know how it goes.
0:39:51 > 0:39:57Everybody wants to feel some fun but they never know how it goes.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03There...
0:40:07 > 0:40:11UNINTELLIGIBLE SINGING
0:40:20 > 0:40:24LOOP OF SINGING PLAYS
0:40:36 > 0:40:39Yeah...
0:40:45 > 0:40:48It's seven o'clock here at the BBC News
0:40:48 > 0:40:51and we're looking at at least four more years in the Mogadishu.
0:40:51 > 0:40:55But we hope that conflict continues, otherwise we'll be out of work.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58So, without further ado, I'd like to say...
0:41:00 > 0:41:02HEAVY BREATHING
0:41:02 > 0:41:04I'd like to say, ladies and gentlemen,
0:41:04 > 0:41:06that it has been an absolute pleasure.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09It's the first time I've gotten to perform onstage at all.
0:41:09 > 0:41:14And I owe it all up to all of the regions of London, all five of them,
0:41:14 > 0:41:20and all of the statesmen, the MPs, the PMs, the SSRs and the 565s.
0:41:20 > 0:41:24So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much
0:41:24 > 0:41:28for having me this evening and I'll see you next week!
0:41:28 > 0:41:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:36 > 0:41:40Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Reggie Watts!
0:41:42 > 0:41:46Thank you very much. Good night, my friends. Good night.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58Subtitles by Ericsson