0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Thank you!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Hello! And welcome back to Good News. So what's been happening?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Well, here's a tip - if you're interviewed on TV,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39careful where you place the microphone.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Is it me, or did this guy really sound like Kermit the Frog?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- How do you evaluate that? KERMIT-LIKE:- Well, you know...
0:00:53 > 0:00:54LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:00:54 > 0:00:57The state is going through a complete reformation
0:00:57 > 0:00:59of the criminal justice system.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03If you look back at the last years or the current year...
0:01:03 > 0:01:06It's incredible, isn't it?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Over on BBC South East,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10this lady wins my award for fake laugh of the week.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13There was hardly any time to think about it, to be honest.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Just, you know, started growing the beard, really!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- FAKE LAUGH - Good to talk to you.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER
0:01:20 > 0:01:22"Don't ever touch me. Don't ever touch me."
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Finally, this lady has to be the filthiest news reporter ever.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Is it me, or is she miming a blow job?
0:01:31 > 0:01:32My son was teething.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36He used to like to take the bits out of my vibrating toothbrush
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- and put it in his mouth.- OK.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42And just kind of sit there like, "Oh, yeah...that feels good...
0:01:42 > 0:01:45"That hits the spot. My gums are itchy."
0:01:45 > 0:01:47LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:52HE MOUTHS
0:01:56 > 0:01:58The big political news was of course this.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02The Queen and dignitaries from around the world have attended
0:02:02 > 0:02:04the ceremonial funeral of Baroness Thatcher.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Her coffin was taken from the Palace of Westminster this morning
0:02:07 > 0:02:08through the streets of London.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12In a funeral with full military honours for Britain's first
0:02:12 > 0:02:13female prime minister.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Some people were sad...
0:02:15 > 0:02:19It's always very sad when people die.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21That was just... She was somebody special.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Some people, not so sad.
0:02:25 > 0:02:33Thatcher is dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! She's dead!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Wouldn't it be great if she came back to life just to piss him off?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43LAUGHTER
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Luckily, the news interviewed a sweet old granny.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I wonder what she had to say.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Don't you think she did any good?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Not a bit of good. Not a bit.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I'd put a stake through her heart and garlic round her neck
0:02:54 > 0:02:56to make sure she never came back.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Holy shit, it's Frankie Boyle's nan!
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- LAUGHTER - It's fair to say Thatcher was a divisive woman.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06The right loved her because she transformed the economy
0:03:06 > 0:03:08and reduced the stranglehold of the trade unions,
0:03:08 > 0:03:12whereas the left hated her because she ruined communities and condemned many to abject poverty.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Or, to put it in teenage speak...
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Some people are like, "Oh, she's great,"
0:03:16 > 0:03:18and some people are like, "Oh, she sucks."
0:03:18 > 0:03:21LAUGHTER
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Cheers, teenage boy!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Now we all understand(!)
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Mind you, think he's bad, have a look at Channel 4's coverage.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33They weren't afraid to focus on the big issues of Thatcher's reign.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34You were very close to her.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I remember the stories
0:03:36 > 0:03:38that she cooked omelettes for you upstairs in the flat.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41My recollection is, they were shepherd's pies.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43LAUGHTER
0:03:43 > 0:03:46And her apple crumble was the bollocks!
0:03:46 > 0:03:47LAUGHTER
0:03:47 > 0:03:52Still, wittering on about cooking is nothing. Did you see CNN's coverage?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Of all the photos they could have selected to illustrate this story,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58look at the one they went with.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Lady Thatcher, the Iron Lady, has died at the age of 87.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04British reports say...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:04:07 > 0:04:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:14 > 0:04:18"Shall we show her with the Queen?" "Nah, I've got just the photo."
0:04:18 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:25Some people were so overjoyed with her death, they had death parties.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Thousands attended in places like Durham and Glasgow.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Fair to say it didn't exactly kick off here.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33There's currently a street party in Barker's Pool.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Our political editor Len Tingle is there.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39LAUGHTER
0:04:39 > 0:04:40"Where's everyone else?"
0:04:41 > 0:04:44One of the oddest details about the story
0:04:44 > 0:04:46is what she was doing before she passed away.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50She was watching dog videos on the internet!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52It's kind of hard to imagine, isn't it?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Mind you, what a great way to go.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I can't think of a better way to die than watching this.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Ahhh...
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Elsewhere in the news, Justin Bieber's been acting like a twat.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18The Canadian pop star Justin Bieber has caused outrage
0:05:18 > 0:05:21with comments he made at the Anne Frank Museum in Amsterdam.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23The singer wrote in the guest book that...
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I'm surprised he didn't write,
0:05:29 > 0:05:31"It's great to finally visit
0:05:31 > 0:05:34"the home of the world hide-and-seek champion."
0:05:34 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Imagine him in the Black History Museum.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44"Dear Martin Luther King, I had a dream, too.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46"It was about a frog who was really bouncy!"
0:05:46 > 0:05:48LAUGHTER
0:05:48 > 0:05:50"She would have been a Belieber."
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I must have missed the bit in her diary when she went,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56"If I survive this awful war, I have one dream -
0:05:56 > 0:05:59"I'd love to meet a man who looks like a chipmunk...
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:05"..and wears trousers that make him look like he's done a massive shit."
0:06:05 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER
0:06:08 > 0:06:09APPLAUSE
0:06:11 > 0:06:13"That's the dream."
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Surely Beliebers are more likely to be Nazis.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20Think about it - they worship a short bloke who talks bollocks and can't grow a proper moustache.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22LAUGHTER
0:06:22 > 0:06:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:25 > 0:06:27They've got nothing in common.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Here's what Anne Frank's diary looks like.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32And here's Justin Bieber's.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:38From Bieber to the threat of nuclear war. It's all kicking off in Korea.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Tension on the Korean Peninsula is running at dangerous levels.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Kim Jong-un is seen as a loose cannon by the West,
0:06:45 > 0:06:49but no-one can really second-guess how this crisis will play out.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52North Korea has said it's planning to fire another missile over
0:06:52 > 0:06:54the Pacific Ocean, possibly as early as tomorrow.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Are you worried about the nuclear threat?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- AUDIENCE: No! - Me neither. I've seen their rockets.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02COUNTDOWN IN KOREAN
0:07:02 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER
0:07:04 > 0:07:06They've got nothing.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- APPLAUSE - Literally nothing.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Check out their binoculars.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Their leader, Kim Jong-un,
0:07:19 > 0:07:23has threatened to start a nuclear war, but no-one's worried, are we?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25He's like the mad kid at school who makes things up.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28"I've got missiles and rockets and a flame monkey with lasers for eyes
0:07:28 > 0:07:32"and my dog is made of marshmallows and when it barks it fires sweets that haven't been invented yet
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"and my dad's so cool, he wees Coca-Cola."
0:07:35 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:40He calls himself the Supreme Leader.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43That doesn't make him sound scary, it makes him sound like a pizza.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:49He's such an oddball. He cuts his own hair!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51What with, a fucking rock?!
0:07:51 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:56And have you noticed in every news report, he's always looking
0:07:56 > 0:07:57through binoculars?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00'With the situation close to thermonuclear war,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03'foreigners in South Korea should evacuate.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06'But if North Korea's European-educated leader is
0:08:06 > 0:08:09'trying to scare them, it doesn't seem to have worked.'
0:08:09 > 0:08:10He always looks really confused.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12There's always that moment when he goes...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I think I know why he's pulling that face.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22MARTIAL MUSIC
0:08:22 > 0:08:25LOUD CLANGING
0:08:25 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:38It's a scary old place, North Korea.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40It's like something out of Nineteen Eighty-Four.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42The people are brainwashed, terrified.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Every time you see them on the news, they've clearly been forced to say something against their will.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52HE GIBBERS
0:08:52 > 0:08:55But I actually got hold of a machine which tells you what
0:08:55 > 0:08:57they're REALLY thinking.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23LAUGHTER
0:09:23 > 0:09:25WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I like that.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Have you seen their military propaganda videos?
0:09:31 > 0:09:35They're ridiculous. They're full of things they can't possibly do - leaping, jumping,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38leaping through fire. It's true. Take a look at this.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42STIRRING MUSIC
0:10:08 > 0:10:09LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Mind you, we've all done propaganda videos.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15You should see the trailer for Good News that I wanted to show.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24MARTIAL ARTS-TYPE YELLING
0:10:32 > 0:10:35HE YELLS
0:10:46 > 0:10:47HE YELLS
0:10:51 > 0:10:53UNZIPPING
0:11:04 > 0:11:07# Baby, baby, baby... #
0:11:11 > 0:11:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:17 > 0:11:19HE YELLS
0:11:22 > 0:11:26From America, some shocking news about a teacher.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29A California middle school teacher has been placed on leave after
0:11:29 > 0:11:33school administrators found out she is a hardcore porn star.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36LAUGHTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:38The teacher is a porn star!
0:11:38 > 0:11:41"Good day at school?" "The best ever!"
0:11:41 > 0:11:43LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:45"What did you learn?" "So much!"
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Did you see... Did you see how she got caught?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Some of her students were looking at dirty movies online
0:11:54 > 0:11:57and saw their science teacher.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59What a woman! Imagine trying to control that class now.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03"Why haven't you done your homework?" "Cos I was staring at your clunge all night."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:12"Flappin' it about like no-one cares!"
0:12:13 > 0:12:17So are the parents disgusted? Oh, no, check out this hound!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19She's a really good teacher.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Oooeerrgh!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23LAUGHTER
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Ohhh!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27How creepy does he sound?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30"She's a really good teacher.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32"I don't even have kids."
0:12:34 > 0:12:37"But I know a good teacher when I see one sucking dick."
0:12:37 > 0:12:38LAUGHTER
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Mind you, if you think porn stars teaching kids is a shocking story,
0:12:45 > 0:12:50it's got NOTHING on the HORROR going on in British schools.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Finally, they've done something about this!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56A school in Essex has banned triangular flapjacks,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58saying they're too dangerous.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Dinner staff at Castle View School, Canvey Island,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04were told to cut the treat into squares or rectangles
0:13:04 > 0:13:08after a pupil was hit in the face by a flying flapjack.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12So ridiculous. In America, kids are like, AK47.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Over here, Mr Kipling.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Flapjacks! Reckon there's kids bragging outside school?
0:13:19 > 0:13:20"I got suspended."
0:13:20 > 0:13:23"What for?" "I was eating a flapjack that weren't shaped like an oblong."
0:13:23 > 0:13:24LAUGHTER
0:13:24 > 0:13:27"I didn't give a fuck!"
0:13:27 > 0:13:28School's really changed.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31When I was at school, bullies gave you dead legs, Chinese burns.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Now they're giving you snacks!
0:13:33 > 0:13:34LAUGHTER
0:13:34 > 0:13:36"You'd better watch out, Howard,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39"or you'll get a taste of my mum's delicious Madeira cake."
0:13:44 > 0:13:47"I wouldn't want to be you halfway through geography -
0:13:47 > 0:13:49"you is gonna have a well bad sugar crash!"
0:13:49 > 0:13:52LAUGHTER
0:13:52 > 0:13:55So I bet the parents thought this story was ridiculous, right?
0:13:55 > 0:14:00Clearly this is a very dangerous implement that should be locked away
0:14:00 > 0:14:03and kept out of the way of children, because obviously there's
0:14:03 > 0:14:07going to be quite a few injuries with something as dangerous as that.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08LAUGHTER
0:14:08 > 0:14:10It's a fucking flapjack!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I think we should be less worried about flapjacks
0:14:14 > 0:14:17and more worried about who their new PE teacher is.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25There are so many stories like this in England, though.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Have you seen what's happening in Swindon?
0:14:28 > 0:14:33They've been painting the town yellow in the last few days to stop
0:14:33 > 0:14:37drivers parking in Swindon's backstreets and alleyways.
0:14:37 > 0:14:43But wait till you see the latest one they have painted.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46This is now a no-parking zone,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48even though you couldn't drive down it.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52It's so pointless. It's like putting up a sign on the M6 that says,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54"Please do not play Jenga in the fast lane."
0:14:54 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Do you know who I feel sorry for?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00People who get pissed and fall asleep on the road.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08The big football news was of course this.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Luis Suarez has apologised tonight for biting
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic during their match at Anfield.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Midway through the second half
0:15:16 > 0:15:19of Liverpool's Premier League match against Chelsea, Suarez,
0:15:19 > 0:15:20seemingly unprovoked,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24appears to bite Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Everyone's gone mental.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28"He's an animal." "He should be deported." Come on, it's a one-off.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30It's not like he's ever done this before.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34He was banned for seven matches for biting an opponent's shoulder
0:15:34 > 0:15:35whilst playing for Ajax.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37OK, once, but...
0:15:37 > 0:15:40You should be aware Russell Howard supports Liverpool Football Club
0:15:40 > 0:15:42and suffers from a condition called Suarez Blindness,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45which means he loves him so much, he often talks complete bollocks.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46LAUGHTER
0:15:46 > 0:15:49He wasn't biting him, he was giving him a kiss!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Branislav Ivanovic probably smeared himself
0:15:51 > 0:15:53in Reggae Reggae sauce.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56He wasn't biting him, he was doing an impression of a vampire!
0:15:56 > 0:16:00He loves him! That's what you do in Uruguay when you love someone! You people don't understand!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02When you and I see Ivanovic, we see THIS!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Poor Luis Suarez sees THIS!
0:16:05 > 0:16:09He can't help it! Luis Suarez is a saint!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11He runs a soccer camp in America
0:16:11 > 0:16:13that teaches underprivileged kids how to play!
0:16:13 > 0:16:14And I bet they love it!
0:16:16 > 0:16:17LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:19OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Mind you, it's definitely going to change the half-time adverts.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24All right, Russ?
0:16:24 > 0:16:28All right, Russ, man! Check out THESE odds.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37LAUGHTER
0:16:40 > 0:16:43This is the part of the show I genuinely know nothing about.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46It's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who it is.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49So please welcome our mystery guest!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- Hello, Russell.- Hiya, man!
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Lovely! You look like you're in a hollowed-out polar bear bollock.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09LAUGHTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- Can I sit in mine? - Of course you can.- Thanks, man.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- Nice to meet you. Isn't it comfy in here?- It's really comfortable.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- What's your name?- Andy Dunlop. - Andy, nice to meet you, man.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- And you've got some medals there. Can I have a look?- Course you can.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- The medals have got chickens on them.- They have.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Which implies you are either criminally insane or...
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- LAUGHTER - ..you are very good at looking after chickens.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- Yup.- Is that what you do? You look after chickens?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I do look after chickens.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I've got a cockerel and nine wives, all called Beryl.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- He's got nine wives?- Yep.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45That's all right! Are they actually married? Have you done little chicken weddings?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- Yeah, they've all been married properly.- Have they?- Oh, yes.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER WOMAN: Awww!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Don't "Awwww!" That's...
0:17:51 > 0:17:52LAUGHTER
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- Were you dressed as a vicar when you did the service?- No.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Oh, you son of a bitch! You got me then.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02So is that why you've been in the news, cos you're...?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04No, it's not because of chicken weddings.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06It's because I'm an international sportsman.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09You're an international sportsman? OK, er...
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- Do you throw chickens?- No. LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:14- Catch?- No.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- Compete against?- No.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- Shall I give you my job title? - I would very much like that.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I'm the world president of the World Egg Throwing Federation.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- Wow! - LAUGHTER
0:18:33 > 0:18:35And how far could you fling an egg?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Well, personally, I can't throw one very far
0:18:37 > 0:18:40because I've got an old tossing injury.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53The world record for throwing and catching an egg
0:18:53 > 0:18:55is held by the Dutch couple of Smink and Kooistra,
0:18:55 > 0:19:00who can throw and catch a raw egg without breaking it 69.5 metres.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- Wow! Are they here tonight?- No. - Lazy bastards!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- LAUGHTER - Probably at home making a friggin' porno film.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Here's a question for you - does it not really piss off the chickens?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I've not ever laid an egg myself
0:19:18 > 0:19:20but I imagine it takes something out of you.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24- They make a hell of a noise. - HE CLUCKS LOUDLY
0:19:24 > 0:19:28"Fuckin' egg!" And then you come along and go, "Cheers for that."
0:19:28 > 0:19:30LAUGHTER
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Fuckin' good one. Lay another one.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34"I don't want to lay another one."
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- So why are you in the news exactly? Do you mind if I ask?- Not at all.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43I was the team captain of England.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48We went to India and we beat the Indians at Russian Egg Roulette.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Russian Egg Roulette. That's worth a round of applause! Fantastic!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58What kind of egg-based fun are we going to have?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00We're going to show you some of the games that we play
0:20:00 > 0:20:02at the world championships.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Let's egg on!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:15 > 0:20:18ANDY LAUGHS
0:20:18 > 0:20:20OK, Russell, you've got six eggs in front of you.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Five of them are hard-boiled, one's raw.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27You've got to distinguish which one it is without touching it.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30The first egg you touch, you've got to use...
0:20:30 > 0:20:33LAUGHTER ..and to prove it's the hard-boiled egg,
0:20:33 > 0:20:35you've got to smash it onto your own forehead.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37AUDIENCE: Ooooh!
0:20:37 > 0:20:38The way we operate this
0:20:38 > 0:20:41at the height of the World Egg Throwing Championships is,
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- we use Reiki. Have you heard of Reiki?- I have, yeah.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48That's where you can feel the life force...
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- You use it to get rid of the leave-ies. - LAUGHTER
0:20:54 > 0:20:57You can use Reiki to identify the life force
0:20:57 > 0:20:59by placing your hand above the egg
0:20:59 > 0:21:02and feeling round to see which one's got the life force coming off it.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Do you want to practise that?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- You don't advise doing this when it's still in the chicken.- No.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08LAUGHTER
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Do you feel the difference? - Oh, I can, you know!- You can?- Yeah.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Excellent. I'll show you how it's done, first of all.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Just spin it so we don't know which one's which.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22HAHHHH!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:32 > 0:21:35GGGHHHAAA!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:38 > 0:21:41You're doing well, but you might want to try the other method,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44which is aura-watching. Every living creature's got an aura.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Well, if you look across the eggs,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49you can see the raw one's got a light-blue aura.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- OK?- While we're here, have you seen the aura on Dora the Explorer?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55LAUGHTER
0:22:00 > 0:22:02HAAA!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04APPLAUSE
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Oh, shit.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:22SCREAMS OF LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Next up, have a look at this story from a zoo in Spain.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47This one has people talking tonight. Gina is a naughty chimp.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50She lives in a zoo in Spain and apparently is addicted to porn.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52LAUGHTER
0:22:52 > 0:22:53That's right, you heard right.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55There is a lady monkey in Spain
0:22:55 > 0:22:59who spends all day touching herself watching porn.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02LAUGHTER
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Did you see what her neighbours thought?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Imagine her on a nature documentary.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12David Attenborough - "Here we see the mighty monkey
0:23:12 > 0:23:15"flicking herself off like a banshee."
0:23:15 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:19"She's gone through ten bananas today,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21"but she hasn't eaten any of them!"
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I know what you're thinking -
0:23:26 > 0:23:28how does a monkey become addicted to porn?
0:23:28 > 0:23:34Somebody was doing some research and put a TV outside of the enclosure.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35The TV has a remote
0:23:35 > 0:23:40and she would change it to a channel that had adult entertainment on it.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44They put a telly outside her cage and SHE switched it to porn.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47And apparently, she was watching some pretty freaky stuff!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Do you know the worst thing?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53She's been teaching the other monkeys to watch porn.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Some people were shocked. This guy didn't mind it.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58She's a really good teacher.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Next up, if you think you've got a weird relationship, check this out.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05It was love at first sight.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07His body and then his interior
0:24:07 > 0:24:09and everything together just seemed to fit
0:24:09 > 0:24:11and I just felt an instant connection.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Nathaniel is in a committed relationship with a car that
0:24:14 > 0:24:16he's named Chase.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18AUDIENCE: Eurgh!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20He's in love with his car.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25- He must lose his shit watching Top Gear, just... - HE MOANS
0:24:25 > 0:24:27"Look at its hubcaps."
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Poor car! Just sat in the showroom.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"Tell you what, lads, can't wait to be bought.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35"Driving really fast on motorways, picking up wom... Oh!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37"There's something in my exhaust pipe."
0:24:37 > 0:24:39LAUGHTER
0:24:40 > 0:24:44I can see the Churchill dog in the back window going, "Oh, no..."
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Poor car! I bet every time he honks the horn he just goes, "Help!"
0:24:51 > 0:24:53"HEEEELLLPPP!"
0:24:53 > 0:24:55That car isn't even red, it's just fucking blushing!
0:24:55 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER
0:24:56 > 0:24:58"HEELLLPPP!"
0:24:59 > 0:25:01What's he doing shagging a car?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I mean, he's got a female flatmate, for goodness' sake!
0:25:04 > 0:25:07My initial reaction was, I was kinda shocked.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13I'll take the car.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- The weirdest... - LAUGHTER
0:25:15 > 0:25:21The weirdest part of the story is his confession to his dad.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- There's something pretty important I want to talk to you about.- All right.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27I'm, uh...just going to come out and say it, I guess.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32I'm in an intimate relationship with Chase.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Sexually and emotionally.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39You're in an intimate relationship with your car.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- LAUGHTER - His dad is totally fine! It goes on for ten minutes.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44They have a chat - "Yeah, cool!"
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Here's how that would have gone down with MY old man.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Guess what, Dad? I'm shagging the car.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52You fucking...!
0:25:52 > 0:25:53LAUGHTER
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Why can't you be more like your brother?!
0:25:58 > 0:25:59All right, Dad?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03HE GRUNTS
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Yeah, that was my actual brother.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08LAUGHTER
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Next up, a lovely story about a magical friendship
0:26:18 > 0:26:20between a boy called Owen and a dog called Haatchi.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24These two have a magical connection.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- Owen and Haatchi are inseparable. - He changed my life.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34I was scared for ages before, but now I'm not.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Their bond has been forged through a mutual understanding of what
0:26:38 > 0:26:40it's like to be different.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Seven-year-old Owen has a rare genetic condition called
0:26:43 > 0:26:48Schwartz-Jampel Syndrome. It causes severe muscle stiffness.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51We believe there's about 25-ish cases in the world.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55His mobility is poor. He can't walk unaided.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Anatolian Shepherd Haatchi has three legs.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00A previous owner tied him to a railway track
0:27:00 > 0:27:02and he was hit by a train.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04- WOMAN:- As soon as I saw his face,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07there was a connection that I can't describe, really,
0:27:07 > 0:27:09but I just knew that we belonged to him.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Owen knows Haatchi's different. Haatchi's got this missing leg.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17He's not perfect. He's not normal. He's not a normal dog.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19You can see when you look at them
0:27:19 > 0:27:22from a distance, there's sideways glances going on all the time.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24And they're sharing very private,
0:27:24 > 0:27:28intimate moments every few seconds and making sure each one's OK
0:27:28 > 0:27:30and that they're there for each other.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33And that is the most moving thing about it.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37He's a great dog to me. He changed my life.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Yeah, it's lovely, isn't it?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42APPLAUSE
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Now, it's stand-up time. My guest is a big star in the US.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48He's had two Comedy Central specials,
0:27:48 > 0:27:50and you might recognise him from Flight Of The Conchords.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52He's flown over especially to do the show,
0:27:52 > 0:27:54so please welcome the wonderful Eugene Mirman!
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Hello! How are you?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09I like to play a game
0:28:09 > 0:28:11whenever I go to the supermarket with my girlfriend
0:28:11 > 0:28:15where I try to think of something that I can yell to her
0:28:15 > 0:28:17that makes everybody there think that she's crazy.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21And we were there and I was by the cart,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24and she was 20 feet away and I yelled to her, "You know what?
0:28:24 > 0:28:28"I am going to get toilet paper. I don't think it's a waste."
0:28:28 > 0:28:30LAUGHTER
0:28:31 > 0:28:34And then everybody looks at her like she's some crazy toilet paper vegan.
0:28:34 > 0:28:39I got a wake-up call - not like "Stop doing heroin!"...
0:28:39 > 0:28:40LAUGHTER
0:28:41 > 0:28:44..But like in a hotel, where normally what happens is,
0:28:44 > 0:28:46you answer the phone and they're like
0:28:46 > 0:28:49"Wake up, you asked for this", and you're like, "Boo, OK."
0:28:49 > 0:28:54At this hotel, I answered the phone and they went "It's May 5th, 2012."
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Why are you telling me the year?
0:28:59 > 0:29:02What do you think I did last night...
0:29:02 > 0:29:06that I don't know what year it is?
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Unless it's like a coma-only hotel
0:29:08 > 0:29:12where people wake up and they're like, "Why is the TV so flat?"
0:29:12 > 0:29:14"Because it's 2012. They're all flat."
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Often, when I'm touring, before a show
0:29:19 > 0:29:23I'll have a lot of time to kill, so I'll sit at a bar and,
0:29:23 > 0:29:25I don't know if you do it here, but in the States,
0:29:25 > 0:29:28whenever you order a drink, they give you a napkin with your drink.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31And I like to write a little note on the napkin
0:29:31 > 0:29:32and then put it back at the bottom of the pile
0:29:32 > 0:29:36so that in a few weeks, somebody gets a message from me.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39I found a bunch of napkins that I wrote a ton of stuff on,
0:29:39 > 0:29:42but never put back in the pile, that I wanted to share with you.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44So here we go.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46Here they are.
0:29:46 > 0:29:47"Cheer up, fatty!"
0:29:52 > 0:29:54"It's OK to lie to old people".
0:29:57 > 0:30:00"This napkin gives you permission to talk about politics,
0:30:00 > 0:30:03"even though you're drunk and uninformed."
0:30:06 > 0:30:09"You can lead a horse to water. Congratulations, fuckface."
0:30:13 > 0:30:15"You are an alchemist who can turn six beers
0:30:15 > 0:30:17"into an awkward three-week relationship."
0:30:19 > 0:30:21"You are."
0:30:22 > 0:30:24"Don't shit where you sleep either.
0:30:26 > 0:30:31And then of course, lastly, "Have a baby. It'll save your marriage."
0:30:34 > 0:30:36Sad to get, but wonderful to leave.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47I wrote a book. I wrote the shit out of it.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51I wrote a book and then I went on a book tour
0:30:51 > 0:30:55where you go to different bookstores and you read from your book.
0:30:55 > 0:31:00It's very normal. It's prearranged. You don't startle people.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Sneak up behind...
0:31:02 > 0:31:05And I found that in every bookstore in every city,
0:31:05 > 0:31:09there was at least one crazy person. When I was in Seattle,
0:31:09 > 0:31:12there was a woman who had been banned from the bookstore
0:31:12 > 0:31:15for trying to scalp tickets to a free Stephen King reading.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18They were like, "You can never come back".
0:31:18 > 0:31:21And then they were like, "Well, you can come back for Eugene."
0:31:21 > 0:31:24And so I was there and I was reading from my book,
0:31:24 > 0:31:26and she had brought a cup of noodles from home
0:31:26 > 0:31:28and she was eating it very angrily as I read.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32And at some point in my book, I go "I'm Jewish, sorry".
0:31:32 > 0:31:34And she stopped eating.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36She gets really mad and she goes,
0:31:36 > 0:31:39"Why did you apologise for being Jewish?"
0:31:39 > 0:31:41She had never heard sarcasm.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43And I went, "Because it's a terrible thing!"
0:31:46 > 0:31:49Which horrified her, but really pleased me.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51The thing that was amazing about this reading
0:31:51 > 0:31:54was that there was this little 12-year-old boy in back,
0:31:54 > 0:31:56and he pointed at me and went,
0:31:56 > 0:32:00"Why is everybody looking at him and not at me? Oh, because he's funny."
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Like that. It was very charming, but sort of weird.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05And it turns out that this 12-year-old boy
0:32:05 > 0:32:09was the son of someone who worked there and that he had Asperger's,
0:32:09 > 0:32:11so he couldn't judge social situations.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14He created rules and rituals for himself.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16And then he pointed at me again and went,
0:32:16 > 0:32:18"Why doesn't he accept me as his god?"
0:32:21 > 0:32:24It was amazing.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27What that little boy doesn't understand is that I do.
0:32:28 > 0:32:29I do accept him as my god,
0:32:29 > 0:32:33because I've always found the specificity of religion confusing.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35If you're Jewish, you have to wear a hat,
0:32:35 > 0:32:37but only in the middle of your head.
0:32:37 > 0:32:38But it all becomes clear
0:32:38 > 0:32:44once you realise that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.
0:32:44 > 0:32:48No wonder he's like "You can't eat pigs and you can't eat horses!"
0:32:48 > 0:32:51"I wasn't going to". "Good, because you can't."
0:32:51 > 0:32:53No wonder he was like, "I fucked up the Earth.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55"I should probably get two of every animal on a boat.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57"That's the only solution I see."
0:32:58 > 0:33:02Religion - it's not only faith, it's high-functioning autism.
0:33:06 > 0:33:11So I moved about a year ago, and when I moved to a new apartment,
0:33:11 > 0:33:14I had to get cable, phone and internet all provided by one company.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17So I moved and then you make an appointment with that company
0:33:17 > 0:33:21to come between winter solstice and summer solstice, and you just wait.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25And I had made an appointment and they were supposed to come
0:33:25 > 0:33:27between 10am and 5pm, and I'm waiting and waiting.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29At 5pm, I called them and I'm like
0:33:29 > 0:33:31"Hey, we made a deal that you would come"
0:33:31 > 0:33:34and they were like "Oh! We entered the information wrong.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36"We're not coming. We're coming in two weeks".
0:33:36 > 0:33:38I was like, "Why didn't you call?" And they were like, "Nah-ha!"
0:33:40 > 0:33:42And so two weeks later, I'm waiting and I call every few hours
0:33:42 > 0:33:45and I'm like "Are you guys coming?" and they're like "Of course we are.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48"Who would ever skip out twice?" And I'm like, "I don't know."
0:33:48 > 0:33:51So I'm calling and calling and finally I get a call from them
0:33:51 > 0:33:54like "Yeah, the guy tried to call your cellphone and you didn't answer,
0:33:54 > 0:33:56"so we're not coming. We're coming again in two weeks".
0:33:56 > 0:33:59I was like "You people are monsters. I work from home.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01"I need my internet and telephone and stuff".
0:34:01 > 0:34:06And they're like "Yeah, well, we hate you, and nothing matters to us.
0:34:06 > 0:34:10"Money isn't even an incentive". And I was like "I don't know what to do".
0:34:10 > 0:34:12What can you do to a giant company
0:34:12 > 0:34:14that clearly couldn't care less and has a monopoly?
0:34:14 > 0:34:17So I thought about it, and I was like "I could write them a letter,
0:34:17 > 0:34:19"but they would probably just put it in a pile of letters
0:34:19 > 0:34:23"that they laugh at before they go to sleep, just giggling at customers".
0:34:23 > 0:34:26So I decided I would write them a letter,
0:34:26 > 0:34:28but I wouldn't send it to them.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31I would just take out full-page ads in New York newspapers.
0:34:31 > 0:34:35So this is the New York press. I took out a full-page ad that I bought.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39Here it is. Here is the full page ad
0:34:39 > 0:34:42of a letter to Time Warner Cable...
0:34:45 > 0:34:47..the company that I was so disappointed with.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50So here's my letter to Time Warner Cable.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52"Dear Time Warner Cable, on April 23rd,
0:34:52 > 0:34:55"I moved and had an appointment with Time Warner Cable
0:34:55 > 0:34:58"to come and install cable, internet and phone service,
0:34:58 > 0:35:00"and no-one showed up. When I called,
0:35:00 > 0:35:03"I was told my appointment was entered wrong and moved to May 4th
0:35:03 > 0:35:05"without anyone calling me. No big deal.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07"Why would a company check with someone
0:35:07 > 0:35:10"to see if they're home on a Wednesday afternoon?
0:35:10 > 0:35:12"Of course they are. Everyone is.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16"Name one person who isn't home on Wednesday afternoon.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19"You can't. It's impossible, because everyone is home.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23"It would be a waste of money and resources to call and talk to him."
0:35:23 > 0:35:25"Did Stalin ever call people
0:35:25 > 0:35:29"before he arrested them and sent them to die in a Siberian war camp?
0:35:29 > 0:35:32"No. Why should Time Warner Cable
0:35:32 > 0:35:35"have a policy that is any different from Stalin's?"
0:35:36 > 0:35:38"Did you know that on Yelp,
0:35:38 > 0:35:40"Time Warner Cable has one and a half stars?
0:35:40 > 0:35:44"That's less stars than Jeffrey Dahmer, who killed and ate people.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51"Maybe even had sex with their skulls - I don't really know.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53"Obviously, what I'm saying is untrue,
0:35:53 > 0:35:55"because Yelp does not review serial killers.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00"But if they did, his baba ghanoush would be better than yours
0:36:00 > 0:36:04"if you both made baba ghanoush, even if his drugged and murdered people.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07"Sorry, that got weird. Fuck you.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10"I just made you read that confusing thing.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16"To give you an idea of how much I dislike your company,
0:36:16 > 0:36:17"I have come up with plagues
0:36:17 > 0:36:20"I hope God smites your board of directors with.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23"I know he will only do this if you enslave the Jews,
0:36:23 > 0:36:27"but considering you have a monopoly in New York City, you already have.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31"Here are the plagues.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34"Awkward - every board member's cellphone rings loudly
0:36:34 > 0:36:37"and announces their weight and also the day they will die.
0:36:38 > 0:36:42"Bathroom - the constant feeling you have to go number two,
0:36:42 > 0:36:44"but completely forgetting how.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51"And lastly, popcorn.
0:36:51 > 0:36:55"Your second born will smell like hot buttered popcorn.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58"It's not that bad at first, but eventually,
0:36:58 > 0:36:59"I bet it will be maddening!"
0:37:00 > 0:37:04"Sincerely, Eugene Mirman and every one of your customers. Thanks."
0:37:12 > 0:37:16So lastly, I wanted to talk about Facebook.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18We tell Facebook everything there is to know about ourselves -
0:37:18 > 0:37:21our favourite movies, bands, where we're from,
0:37:21 > 0:37:23who our friends are, our favourite books.
0:37:23 > 0:37:28And it takes all of that information and makes ads designed exactly at us.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31These are some of the ads that started coming up for me.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33Here's one.
0:37:33 > 0:37:37"Sell gold canyon candles. Earn great commissions and discounts
0:37:37 > 0:37:40"by hosting your own gold canyon candle party".
0:37:41 > 0:37:44I am not fooled by this house made of one dollar bills.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50Here's another one that came up for me. "Consider donating sperm?
0:37:52 > 0:37:56"Earn great money, commit minimal time". You don't know!
0:37:58 > 0:38:00I don't know what band I like that somebody decided
0:38:00 > 0:38:02"This guy needs 50, and fast."
0:38:03 > 0:38:04This is the ad that broke me.
0:38:04 > 0:38:08This is the ad that made me go "How does Facebook advertising work?
0:38:08 > 0:38:11"In home pet euthanasia.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14"Say goodbye to your four-legged friend
0:38:14 > 0:38:19"in the comfort and privacy of your own home. Cremation."
0:38:20 > 0:38:22This is not a friend, this is a service
0:38:22 > 0:38:24where they will come to your house
0:38:24 > 0:38:27and they will murder and burn your cat.
0:38:27 > 0:38:28They will gather the family.
0:38:28 > 0:38:33They will murder your cat and they will set it on fire until it's ashes.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36And then you have to be like "Did I pay my cat murder burn bill?
0:38:36 > 0:38:37"I can't remember."
0:38:38 > 0:38:41This made me go "OK, how do Facebook ads work?"
0:38:41 > 0:38:44So I decided to take out a bunch of ads
0:38:44 > 0:38:46and direct them at different people.
0:38:46 > 0:38:50Each ad was seen about 10,000 to 15,000 times.
0:38:50 > 0:38:54I spent 15-20 on each one, and they got about eight hits,
0:38:54 > 0:38:55so not very effective.
0:38:55 > 0:39:01But some people definitely saw it, in the thousands. So here are the ads.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05"No more sad face! Your problems are dumb. Click here to agree."
0:39:09 > 0:39:12I directed that at people who are 18 to 19 years old,
0:39:12 > 0:39:15in Brooklyn, New York, who like Wilco and Belle and Sebastian.
0:39:19 > 0:39:20"Do you like hockey?
0:39:20 > 0:39:23"Get a 20% discount on hookers when you're in Spain!"
0:39:27 > 0:39:30I directed that at people in Quebec, Canada, 35 to 40,
0:39:30 > 0:39:32who like hockey and Belle and Sebastian.
0:39:36 > 0:39:37"Stop feeling weird.
0:39:37 > 0:39:41"Do you hate making eye contact with disabled people?
0:39:41 > 0:39:43"Click here to start loving it!"
0:39:46 > 0:39:50I directed that, of course, to people any age in Florida...
0:39:51 > 0:39:53who like Real Housewives Of Orange County.
0:39:53 > 0:39:55And I got, like, eight clicks.
0:39:55 > 0:40:00So eight people saw it and were like "I would like to stop feeling weird."
0:40:00 > 0:40:02And I know their favourite TV show.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06This, I'll tell you who I directed it at first.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Boys, 13 to 14, anywhere in the United States,
0:40:08 > 0:40:11who like Deal Or No Deal or Howie Mandel.
0:40:11 > 0:40:15There's about 12,340 boys that that fits.
0:40:15 > 0:40:20Here's the ad I took out that they saw. "Afraid to talk to girls? Good!
0:40:21 > 0:40:23"Most girls kill and eat boys.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27"No-one talks about it because they're too scared.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29"Click here to take poison to avoid being eaten!"
0:40:31 > 0:40:32Who could they turn to?
0:40:39 > 0:40:43This is the last one I took out. "You tried to kiss me!
0:40:43 > 0:40:50"I will call the police unless you click here and give me 40!"
0:40:50 > 0:40:55I directed that, of course, at people 52 to 55 in Saudi Arabia
0:40:55 > 0:41:01who like Beverly Hills Cop. And right here it says fewer than 20.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03So that means it reaches, like, ten people.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06But the ad was seen about 3,000 times.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09So ten people saw it 300 times.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12So now matter how much they were like "Repetitive, don't like",
0:41:12 > 0:41:14"No! You tried to kiss me! Give me 40".
0:41:14 > 0:41:17"Repetitive". "You tried to kiss me!"
0:41:17 > 0:41:20Thank you all so very, very much.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22I've been Eugene Mirman.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25You are lovely.
0:41:25 > 0:41:29Good night, England, and your colonies.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32Ladies and gentlemen, Eugene Mirman!
0:41:35 > 0:41:39Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night.
0:41:59 > 0:42:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd