0:00:09 > 0:00:18This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Thank you!
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Hello! And welcome to Good News.
0:00:30 > 0:00:35So, what's been happening?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Is it me, or are British troops not as good as they used to be?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41They will indeed stand out amongst their peers.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43And not only that.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I think the police are getting smaller.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49They've received a lot of information...
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Here's a question.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54What the hell is this bloke doing under the table?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56So he's doing very well.
0:00:56 > 0:01:02He's available for selection to take place on Wednesday.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Over on BBC Breakfast, one man broke the heart of children everywhere.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08There is no such thing as the dog poo fairy.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11No-o-o-o!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And finally, did anyone else see the moment
0:01:15 > 0:01:18this guy realised life was meaningless?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21For 15 years, promised solutions... (VOICE FADES INTO MUSIC)
0:01:21 > 0:01:25# Hope there's someone who'll take care of me
0:01:25 > 0:01:31# When I die, will I go...? #
0:01:37 > 0:01:42So, what's been happening? Well, there's been some huge alien news.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45The Ministry of Defence has explained why it decided
0:01:45 > 0:01:46to scrap its UFO desk
0:01:46 > 0:01:50after 60 years of recording alien sightings and abductions.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52The MoD's official reason for the closure
0:01:52 > 0:01:55is that UFOs pose no threat to the UK.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00No threat to the UK? I'm not sure about that.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Check out this incredible interview from This Morning.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Stephanie Cohen claims she's often visited by aliens,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09who help to guide her through life.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11She also says that she has sex with them
0:02:11 > 0:02:13and has out of this world orgasms.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17She has sex with aliens.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20"We have travelled a million light years."
0:02:20 > 0:02:24"What do you want? To learn about our planet? Steal our minerals?"
0:02:24 > 0:02:26"No. A hand job."
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"It's going to take you a while. I've got three dicks."
0:02:34 > 0:02:37"What goes in Uranus stays in Uranus."
0:02:37 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER
0:02:41 > 0:02:45It's so ridiculous! Did you see the rest of her interview?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Check out the beautiful moment Phillip Schofield zinged her.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Why don't they show themselves?
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Because they're not really into showing off.
0:02:55 > 0:03:02They're very, um, quite reserved in themselves.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Well, they have sex with you at a bus stop. That's not very reserved.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Boom!
0:03:13 > 0:03:17"They're so shy." Whatever! One fingered you in KFC.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Of all the things aliens could do -
0:03:20 > 0:03:23visit Mars, travel the solar system -
0:03:23 > 0:03:25"No, I'm going to pork someone on a Megabus."
0:03:29 > 0:03:30It gets better.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31I love the highly scientific way
0:03:31 > 0:03:34that Phillip was trying to prove the existence of aliens.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Tell them to go into my dressing room now
0:03:36 > 0:03:38and tell me what's in my briefcase.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"What's in my briefcase? Then I will believe.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42"I don't want to see one,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45"I just want to know what's in my briefcase."
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Now, what follows is, for me,
0:03:46 > 0:03:50one of the strangest bits of TV that I have ever seen.
0:03:50 > 0:03:57I'm trying to, myself, to look into a briefcase myself. Um...
0:03:57 > 0:03:59What do you see?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I don't know, I just see the briefcase.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I love it! After all that.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28APPLAUSE
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Don't worry. I know what's in there.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Ha ha ha!
0:04:40 > 0:04:42What a night!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Phillip Schofield is crazy!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Now, next up, in education news,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53have you seen who the Government are getting to teach kids?
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Former soldiers are being encouraged to consider retraining as teachers
0:04:57 > 0:05:00under a new scheme which will allow them to qualify in just two years.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Soldiers are going to be teachers? How scary will that be?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06"Hey, kids, what's four times four?"
0:05:06 > 0:05:08"I don't know."
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"Well, take a guess!"
0:05:13 > 0:05:15They'll have them marching in the playground.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19# Mr Adams is the best Cos he's former SAS
0:05:19 > 0:05:23# Caught me chewing gum in class Stuck that Wrigley's up my ass
0:05:23 > 0:05:27# I'm in trouble cos I fart bubbles... #
0:05:33 > 0:05:36It's madness. Kids and soldiers - not a good mix.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44LAUGHTER
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Mind you, if you think soldiers in the classroom is strange,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50look at what they banned in Australia.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Blowing candles out on a birthday cake could be a no-no,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56because of strict new hygiene guidelines.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Children aren't allowed to blow out candles?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Well, that is going to change birthday parties.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03(ADULTS) Happy birthday!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20And you're adopted.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Mind you, some kids are delighted.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25They kind of struggle with candles anyway.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38That's a clip I like to call Asthma Can Be Funny.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Not that it's all bad news for kids. Look who's become an author.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51How lovely! I've actually got hold of a copy.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54'One day, Frankie saw a beautiful princess
0:06:54 > 0:06:57'locked away in a huge tower. He couldn't get her down.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00'His friend Peter Crouch couldn't help.'
0:07:00 > 0:07:02It's too high!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04'Nor could Luis Suarez.'
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Oh! My teeth!
0:07:07 > 0:07:11'In the end, he got her down the only way he knew. She was so beautiful.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15'They kissed and fell asleep in each other's arms.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19'Unfortunately, when Frank woke, John Terry was fucking her."
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Yeah!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Some peculiar health news knocking around.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Have you heard about the strange new condition sweeping the globe?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Now, a scientific name for people who get pleasure
0:07:39 > 0:07:41from the most banal activities.
0:07:41 > 0:07:47It's called autonomous sensory meridian response, or ASMR.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Apparently, there are millions of people around the world
0:07:50 > 0:07:52who watch deliberately dull videos
0:07:52 > 0:07:56for the pleasurable sensations that they generate.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Some people are addicted to watching dull videos.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03It's basically tedium porn. That's what it is.
0:08:03 > 0:08:09"Yeah, baby, use that hairdryer. Oh, God.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12"Oh, I'm going to have a bore-gasm!"
0:08:12 > 0:08:15There's already a name for people
0:08:15 > 0:08:18who get pleasure from utterly banal shit.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20They're called Beliebers.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22LAUGHTER
0:08:26 > 0:08:29I love what they're called, you know?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31They call themselves boredom addicts.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33What are their dealers like?
0:08:33 > 0:08:37"Check it, man. I've got a video on soil erosion.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39"Yo, I've got a 300-page pamphlet
0:08:39 > 0:08:43"on the most efficient way to bleed a radiator.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45"You is gonna find it well tedious."
0:08:45 > 0:08:47You know the strangest thing?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Apparently, when boredom addicts see dull videos,
0:08:50 > 0:08:55it triggers the same sensation as an epileptic fit.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Check out this guy's reaction.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Is it a meditative state?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00It could be either a meditative state if it's real,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03or could be something like a fit.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09"Fucking brilliant!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12"Do they piss themselves? Amazing!"
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Mind you, we shouldn't be too harsh,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17because what one person finds boring, another doesn't.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I mean, you guys might not be into spinning seals.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I'm a huge fan.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30# You spin me right round, baby Right round
0:09:30 > 0:09:33# Like a record, baby Right round, round, round
0:09:33 > 0:09:37# You spin me right round, baby Right round
0:09:37 > 0:09:41# Like a record, baby Right round, round, round... #
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I could honestly watch that for hours.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48And it doesn't always have to be seals.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51# You spin me right round, baby Right round
0:09:51 > 0:09:55# Like a record, baby Right round, round, round... #
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Next up, have you seen where you can now stay in Liverpool?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03The boutique Titanic hotel, floating on Liverpool's Albert Dock,
0:10:03 > 0:10:07has an uplifted stern and downward slanting portholes,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10to give the impression of a sinking vessel.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15A Titanic-themed hotel. What next, the Jimmy Savile creche?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20This is madness. Absolute madness.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28What if it sinks? They won't notice!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31"Oh, this is very authentic, Brian.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36"Look at the water gushing into our room. Oh, bollocks."
0:10:36 > 0:10:39This is honestly what I'd do.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40If I owned the land opposite,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I'd build a hotel shaped like an iceberg.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Just them waking up the next morning - "Fucking hell!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Still, there are worse places to stay.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58That's a genuine hotel. It's a genuine hotel.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03From poor taste to a bizarre discovery on a beach.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04A man from Morecambe
0:11:04 > 0:11:07believes he's come across a rare discovery on a beach
0:11:07 > 0:11:09that could be worth more than £100,000.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13It's ambergris, a dried piece of whale vomit.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17He found a piece of whale vomit that's worth 100 grand.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Must be great being a whale. Imagine that. "I'm skint. Huuuh!
0:11:20 > 0:11:23"All right!"
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Actually, it'd be quite annoying, because the fins, they can't get...
0:11:30 > 0:11:33They'd have to get a dolphin to put their nose down...
0:11:33 > 0:11:35AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38No, I'm saying to get the sick from...
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I'm not actually...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44So why is it worth so much?
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Ambergris is used to make perfume, and it's extremely rare.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Perfume?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Well, that is going to change the ads.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57She is the sun.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02She is the moon.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03She...
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Fuck's sake!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Thank Christ it weren't a sperm whale.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Now, some truly brilliant crime stories from America this week.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32First up, an evil overlord has been stealing drugs from the police.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Wichita police say three bags of marijuana were torn open
0:12:36 > 0:12:39at a storage facility and the evidence taken.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Not by thieves, not by evidence tamperers,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45but by hungry stoner mice.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Well, that is bollocks.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Clearly, the police have taken it and come up with an excuse.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57"Who took the dope?" "Stoner mice?"
0:12:58 > 0:13:01"What about the cocaine?" "Bloody Mafia badgers."
0:13:06 > 0:13:08"They hid the coke in their stripes."
0:13:10 > 0:13:13So you're probably thinking the police left it at that. Oh, no!
0:13:13 > 0:13:14They really want to get this guy.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17We do have a sketch artist
0:13:17 > 0:13:21that came and did a rendering
0:13:21 > 0:13:25of who we believe is responsible
0:13:25 > 0:13:27for the marijuana heist.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Unbelievable.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34And not only that.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37They've also got their best detective on it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Could you go back to that photo?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44How droopy are his tits?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Brother's hung low.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Now, from joy to a cripplingly sad story
0:13:51 > 0:13:56about a man who had something very dear to his heart taken from him.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00The man says it's taken him years and thousands of dollars
0:14:00 > 0:14:05to assemble the collection of vintage pornography stolen from his home.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Police say burglars took the collection
0:14:07 > 0:14:10and a couple of flatscreen TVs during a break-in this week.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14That's right, he had his porn stolen, and it made the news.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17So you're probably thinking, "I doubt he did an interview about it."
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Oh, guess again.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21My porn collection is valuable, man.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24My collection was the best in Michigan.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29A guy in Connecticut told me that. It was stacked about this high.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32"They took the lot, man. Men In Crack, gone.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36"Jizzy Jeff And The Gash Prince, gone.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41"But worst of all, I'm gonna shed a tear here, but worst of all...
0:14:44 > 0:14:47"Them bastards took my anal videos.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50"Although even I can see the poetic irony
0:14:50 > 0:14:52"that I did leave my back door wide open."
0:14:59 > 0:15:02So was his wife as upset as him? Not really.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I went in the bedroom, and I told him
0:15:04 > 0:15:08"You really getting ready to be mad."
0:15:08 > 0:15:11He said "Why?" I said "All your porn's gone!"
0:15:14 > 0:15:18She's so happy! "Ding dong, your porno's gone, your porno's dead.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22"Maybe I'll see a little more action and a little less traction."
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Apparently, the police are hunting down this porno thief.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28I think I know who it was.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31So he's doing very well...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Now it's time for a very special mystery guest -
0:15:40 > 0:15:42as a treat, the production team have found me
0:15:42 > 0:15:46someone special to interview, and I have to find out who that person is.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Please welcome my mystery guest!
0:15:47 > 0:15:49APPLAUSE
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Hello!
0:16:01 > 0:16:02(MUFFLED) Nice to talk to you.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Well, it would appear that Joe Pasquale's bulked up.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Can I peer around you? Is that allowed?- You can indeed.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16That's quite a big beard.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19If you don't mind me saying, sizeable balls.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I'm very well endowed.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- The polar bears don't complain.- Wow.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32- I'll shag anything that moves. - OK.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36I think I know who it is. Can you make that noise again?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Yes, yes, indeed.- Oh, I know exactly who it is.- Who is it?
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Is it really? Wow, it is.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- Is it Brian Blessed?- It is, my son!
0:16:44 > 0:16:45CHEERING
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Wow!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Wow!- Marvellous.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Yes!
0:17:02 > 0:17:06And I want to say to you all, Gordon's alive!
0:17:09 > 0:17:11I love you so much.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14You know, I'd love to go on the lash with you.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Can you do me a favour? This is a personal request.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Can you look down the camera and say...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22In fact, I'll whisper it to you so that it's a surprise.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- I need you to say two things for me. Number one.- What? Do it again.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:31LIQUID ARSE!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Was that it?
0:17:33 > 0:17:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:34 > 0:17:38And the other one...
0:17:38 > 0:17:41AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Brian, do you mind if I ask you a question
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- about your deep, powerful voice? - Yes.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- Because you're something of an explorer.- Yes.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I worry about you.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07There could be an avalanche when you're going...
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Do you ever get into scary situations?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13I'm the oldest man to reach the North Pole
0:18:13 > 0:18:14and the Magnetic North Pole.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16We were followed by polar bears,
0:18:16 > 0:18:21and some of the lads on the British expedition had got guns.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23And I said, because I love animals,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I've got 3,000 animals that I have to support, all rescued,
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I'm not going to kill an animal.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32But one night, eventually it got closer and closer, the polar bear.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35It's his territory. And the polar bear got closer and closer.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38I'll never forget. Fucking arseholes.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42It came, it tore through the tent.
0:18:42 > 0:18:47There was this face, and I just went "Aaagh!",
0:18:47 > 0:18:49straight in its fucking face.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- It's true.- Is that true?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01And it buggered off. We never saw it again.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06Wouldn't it be great if there's a parallel world where there's a polar bear telling that story?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08"I met that Brian Blessed. The guy's absolutely bonkers.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11"I just wanted an autograph, and he punched me in the fucking face.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15"I went home and went..."
0:19:15 > 0:19:17You beat up a polar bear?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19If there is a God, and there isn't, but if there was,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21he would be looking down on you and going
0:19:21 > 0:19:23"That's how you make 'em."
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- Who's ever punched a polar bear? - I know. God, it was amazing.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32You have an instinct. That's your gift.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35You have an instinct to bring joy.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39There is no situation that you can't improve. That's your major skill.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- You met a polar bear, this is going to be awkward...- Bash.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47- You're also, may I say this, one of the finest swearers we have.- Yes.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Yes, yes.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Have we got the clip of him swearing? Oh, my God.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53You have to see this.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55This is terrible. I don't normally swear.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00..Fucking sphincter, arsehole, up your arse, up your BLEEP,
0:20:00 > 0:20:05fucking sideways, you boring fucking whore, fuck off, you cow!
0:20:06 > 0:20:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:11 > 0:20:15# Nobody does it better... #
0:20:17 > 0:20:21If we could go on this sort of magical, drunken quest,
0:20:21 > 0:20:23where would we go?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26My ultimate night out would be with you and Boris Johnson.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Thing is, where would we end up? One of us would end up dead.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I'm very fond of Doris, but he's a bit of a BLEEP.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Look, I'll...
0:20:39 > 0:20:44You know... I met him at a car park about a year,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47or a few months ago at the BBC. "I can't park anywhere",
0:20:47 > 0:20:49and looking at me as if I'm responsible.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I'm only doing a voiceover.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53"We can't park anywhere. Why is this?"
0:20:53 > 0:20:56"Well, don't fucking ask me", I said.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01"Why don't you shut your fucking mouth and give your arse a chance?"
0:21:01 > 0:21:02LAUGHTER
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Wow.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07Which is wonderful.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10But what strikes me about you, what I find fascinating about you,
0:21:10 > 0:21:14you seem very comfy in your own skin, which is an amazing trait.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18What is your tip? Because every time, see the atmosphere -
0:21:18 > 0:21:22just coming on, you provide joy. What's your thing?
0:21:22 > 0:21:27- I love life.- And life loves you. - Yes! And I also love myself.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31- I'm very deeply in love with myself. - Why not? But I would be.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35You look so manly, it looks like you created that beard just by going...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39..And it leaps out.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Yes! I think you've got to really love yourself.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45To love oneself is to have a lifelong romance.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I would say to you,
0:21:54 > 0:22:00I have now fully become a fully trained cosmonaut in Moscow.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I've done 800 hours.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Centrifuge, mid-20s, mid-25s, and I'm now first reserve
0:22:06 > 0:22:10for the International Space Station, and I'll be going there next year.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Wow.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16I'm 76. I won't be restricted. You follow your dream!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18There's no-one like you.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21We've all got something that no-one else has got.
0:22:21 > 0:22:27- Follow your dream, and don't let the bastards grind you down.- Yeah!
0:22:27 > 0:22:28CHEERING
0:22:30 > 0:22:37SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Go for it!
0:22:38 > 0:22:45Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Mr Brian Blessed!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:53 > 0:22:59Next up, huge science news that could benefit all of mankind.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01A team of scientists has been on a mission
0:23:01 > 0:23:03to discover our cats' secret lives.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08The BBC's Horizon team placed 50 cats from a quiet village in Surrey
0:23:08 > 0:23:11under intense surveillance, fitting them with cameras
0:23:11 > 0:23:13to record their activities.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16That's right. Scientists are going to film some cats.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Some were shocked.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Some were quite happy.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28"Film that, bitch."
0:23:28 > 0:23:29So ridiculous, isn't it?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32They want to analyse the secret lives of cats.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35What do they think they're going to find out?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"By day, I eat and sleep. By night...
0:23:38 > 0:23:42"I dress up as a polar bear and try and meet up with Brian Blessed...
0:23:45 > 0:23:48"To avenge that day!"
0:23:52 > 0:23:54It is pretty pointless, because you picture
0:23:54 > 0:23:56a load of scientists in a lab -
0:23:56 > 0:23:59"Shall we cure AIDS? Try and eradicate cancer?"
0:23:59 > 0:24:00"Nah. Let's just watch this."
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Now, my final story of the night concerns joy.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Did you know that last Friday was...
0:24:12 > 0:24:16You're telling me. I had a belter of a day.
0:24:16 > 0:24:24# And it's always you and me Always and for ever... #
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Hey!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Ha ha ha!
0:25:02 > 0:25:03DONG!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28You know, I'm really going to miss you.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32I'm going to miss you too, you wonky-eyed fuck!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Hey, sugar cakes. Let's bounce.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46HE MOUTHS
0:25:48 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I love that man. I love that man so much.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Finally tonight, a story about a boy called Tommy with an amazing talent.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11I'm Tommy Carroll. I've been skating since I was 10.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17I was born with bilateral retinoblastoma,
0:26:17 > 0:26:19which is cancer of the retinas.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23And since it was caught late, I was left blind by the age of two.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26One of my favourite things is to wake up early
0:26:26 > 0:26:29and get to the skate park before anybody else,
0:26:29 > 0:26:33because I can really use every inch of that place
0:26:33 > 0:26:36and not have to worry about anybody being in the way,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39and it really gives me great time to express myself on a board
0:26:39 > 0:26:42and skate to the fullness of my abilities.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14All I do is based on sound.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17I'm constantly using the sound of my wheels
0:27:17 > 0:27:20to check if there's anything in my way, get my sense of direction,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22all that kind of stuff.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28I think everybody should know that everything happens for a reason,
0:27:28 > 0:27:33and that there's always a way to overcome an obstacle
0:27:33 > 0:27:34if you really want it enough.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49What a dude.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Now, it's time for my stand up guests.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58They're a brilliant mix of music and comedy, you'll love them.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Please welcome to the stage the wonderful Ginger and Black!
0:28:01 > 0:28:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:16 > 0:28:20Hi, we're Ginger and Black, because...
0:28:22 > 0:28:24LAUGHTER
0:28:24 > 0:28:27..and we're musical storytellers.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36# I do the music when we're musical storytelling
0:28:36 > 0:28:39# Let me show you what it's all about
0:28:39 > 0:28:42# If I want things to sound sad I do this... #
0:28:42 > 0:28:43PLAYS MINOR CHORD
0:28:43 > 0:28:47# If I want things to sound happy I do thi-i-is! PLAYS MAJOR CHORD
0:28:47 > 0:28:50# If I want things to sound good, I do this
0:28:50 > 0:28:54PLAYS KEYBOARD DEMO TRACK
0:28:54 > 0:28:57# Musical storytellers, part-time
0:28:57 > 0:29:00# Working in Morrisons, full-time
0:29:00 > 0:29:03# I don't mean to name-drop but me and JK Rowling go bowling
0:29:03 > 0:29:05# Roly smoking with Tolkien
0:29:05 > 0:29:07# And I'm pals with Roald Dahl's...corpse
0:29:07 > 0:29:09# I put the shake in Shakespeare
0:29:09 > 0:29:10# Chaucer on a saucer
0:29:10 > 0:29:13# I put the dick in Dickens... #
0:29:13 > 0:29:16LAUGHTER
0:29:16 > 0:29:17HE MOUTHS
0:29:17 > 0:29:20# Musical storytellers
0:29:20 > 0:29:23# Ahhh-ahhh - that's too high
0:29:23 > 0:29:25# One upon a time, there was a prince
0:29:25 > 0:29:26# He lived in a castle in the sky... #
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Right, so that's where you do the next line?
0:29:31 > 0:29:37And then it works its way around the audience and then outside.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40We did a gig similar to this around the corner and we got all the way to Big Ben.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44And then Hare Krishnas joined in and we let off fireworks
0:29:44 > 0:29:48- and balloons and stuff. - Should I still get the balloons?
0:29:48 > 0:29:51Oh, no... There's no point.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55LAUGHTER
0:29:55 > 0:29:59But musical storytelling is quite inspirational
0:29:59 > 0:30:02so we're going to share a bit of inspiration with you now
0:30:02 > 0:30:05with a choice of three songs. One about hopes,
0:30:05 > 0:30:08- one about dreams and one about aspirations.- Dreams!
0:30:08 > 0:30:11Dreams? That's what it is.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15So this song is called Hopes, Dreams, Aspirations.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22# Hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:30:22 > 0:30:24# Hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:30:24 > 0:30:26# Saw my neighbour Mr Jones, aged 83
0:30:26 > 0:30:28# Clutching his heart and falling to his knees
0:30:28 > 0:30:30# I didn't run to help him because I didn't want to be patronising
0:30:30 > 0:30:33# But it felt sad knowing that he'd never achieved his...
0:30:33 > 0:30:35# Hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:30:35 > 0:30:37# Hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:30:37 > 0:30:40# He had nothing in his house, nothing on his shelves
0:30:40 > 0:30:42# Nothing to remember him by, nothing we could flog
0:30:42 > 0:30:44# Not even hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:30:44 > 0:30:47# Hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:30:47 > 0:30:49# Around where I'm from, they call me Optimus Prime
0:30:49 > 0:30:51# Because I quit my job and transformed my life
0:30:51 > 0:30:53# The others call me Care Bear cos I care a lot about my...
0:30:53 > 0:30:55# Hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:30:55 > 0:30:57# The others call me Softy Bear or Sponge
0:30:57 > 0:31:00# Not because I'm soft but because I ponce off people
0:31:00 > 0:31:02# Hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:31:02 > 0:31:04# Hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:31:04 > 0:31:07# Hopes, H-O-P-E
0:31:07 > 0:31:09# Dreams, D-R-E-A-M-S
0:31:09 > 0:31:13# Aspirations, A-S-P... SHE MUMBLES # ..S #
0:31:14 > 0:31:16# Hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:31:16 > 0:31:19# Hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:31:19 > 0:31:21# I wanted a hamster
0:31:25 > 0:31:27# I got one
0:31:27 > 0:31:29# Hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:31:29 > 0:31:32# Hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:31:32 > 0:31:34# I remember back at school, me and my mate Pete
0:31:34 > 0:31:37# Wanted metal plates in our heads so we could pretend to be robots
0:31:37 > 0:31:39# They said that those were for victims of car crashes
0:31:39 > 0:31:41# So we were
0:31:41 > 0:31:42# Sorted
0:31:44 > 0:31:46# Oh, Pete's dead though and I can't go near a microwave
0:31:46 > 0:31:48# Hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:31:48 > 0:31:50# Hopes, dreams, aspirations
0:31:50 > 0:31:53# Hopes and dreams and aspirations
0:31:53 > 0:31:54# Hopes and dreams and
0:31:54 > 0:32:00# A-a-a-a-a-a
0:32:00 > 0:32:02# A-a-a-a-a... # HER VOICE BREAKS
0:32:02 > 0:32:04CHOKES: # ..Spirations... #
0:32:04 > 0:32:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:14 > 0:32:15Thank you.
0:32:15 > 0:32:20Those of you that are not familiar with our musical storytelling work probably already know who we are.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22We are pretty much the big dogs
0:32:22 > 0:32:24on the children's party entertainment circuit.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27Yeah, I think it's cos we're quite cool
0:32:27 > 0:32:30and we know how to be cool in front of kids cos we do things like this.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35LAUGHTER
0:32:35 > 0:32:38That shows we're pretty much down with them.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40And also, it's quite topical cos of the gun culture.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43A lot of you probably have nieces and nephews
0:32:43 > 0:32:45and are probably quite keen to book us
0:32:45 > 0:32:47so what we'll do is stage a children's party here.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49That way you can see what you're paying for
0:32:49 > 0:32:51and we don't have to faff around with references
0:32:51 > 0:32:53and CVs and...police checks.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57So, this is our introduction song.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05# We're the kids' party entertainers today
0:33:05 > 0:33:08# We're the kids' party entertainers, come and play
0:33:08 > 0:33:09# My name's Eri
0:33:09 > 0:33:11# And my name's Daniel... #
0:33:11 > 0:33:12Wait! Something's not right!
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Sometimes we deliberately mix our names up,
0:33:15 > 0:33:17cos if you make a mistake like that, people see that you're human
0:33:17 > 0:33:20and you're not this big rock-star party entertainer.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23# We're the kids' party entertainers today
0:33:23 > 0:33:25# We're the kids' party entertainers, come and play. #
0:33:25 > 0:33:28And then we do a bit of banter with the kids,
0:33:28 > 0:33:29so if I could have a volunteer?
0:33:29 > 0:33:33You, sir, in the purple. Up you come. Yeah, you, up you come.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36This is just a bit of banter that we do with the kids.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40- So, what's your name?- Andrew.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42- Right, go sit down. - LAUGHTER
0:33:42 > 0:33:45# We're the kids' party entertainers today
0:33:45 > 0:33:48# We're the kids' party entertainers, come and play. #
0:33:48 > 0:33:50And then we tell them a bit about ourselves.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52I'll go first. My name's Daniel.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54I like trampolines.
0:33:54 > 0:33:55I also like drinking.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58Um, I drink a little bit too much.
0:33:58 > 0:34:03So much so that the doctor told me I have the liver of a 70-year-old.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05- LAUGHTER - Yeah, which I found funny at first as well.
0:34:05 > 0:34:09But, it turns out that if I don't have a transplant,
0:34:09 > 0:34:11I could potentially die.
0:34:13 > 0:34:14And I'm still quite young.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19# And I like dancing!
0:34:19 > 0:34:23# We're the kids' party entertainers today, ee-aw! #
0:34:23 > 0:34:24LAUGHTER
0:34:24 > 0:34:28First game we play is Help Ginger And Black Get The Equipment Out Of The Car.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31And then, a game of Tootsie.
0:34:31 > 0:34:35So, if I could have a volunteer? Oh, you again. Up you come.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38- Have you played this before?- No.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40- Pick a colour?- Red.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42R-E-D. And a number?
0:34:42 > 0:34:433?
0:34:43 > 0:34:47- One, two... This is fun, isn't it? - Yeah.- ..Three. One more number?
0:34:47 > 0:34:49- 2.- Right, let's find out what you are.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59Go and sit down.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:06 > 0:35:09Um, I don't think we should play this game any more.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15Now that you know a little bit more about us, it's time to get personal.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18- Not too personal.- It's just about my sexual appetites.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23At the moment, I'm dabbling in sadomasochism,
0:35:23 > 0:35:26which I do with a guy called Mr Pain who I know through Daniel.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Yeah, we're both in HR.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31People find it weird, the whole sado thing.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34Well, we're going to show you what a night at Mr Pain's house
0:35:34 > 0:35:37might be like, because I can see you silently judging me.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48- Hello, Mr Pain.- Hello, female.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50- I've come for some...- Pain?
0:35:50 > 0:35:53Oh, I'll show you pain.
0:35:53 > 0:35:54Boil the kettle.
0:35:54 > 0:35:58I want a cup of tea before we start.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01- Can I have one?- No.- I love it when you deny me things, you bastard!
0:36:02 > 0:36:04# Oh, Mr Pain
0:36:04 > 0:36:07# Where'd you get your name?
0:36:07 > 0:36:09# Ouch! I see. #
0:36:09 > 0:36:12Tell me what games you brought me to play
0:36:12 > 0:36:14I thought we'd do some stuff with food today, it's a special day
0:36:14 > 0:36:17so I smeared yoghurt in your shoes
0:36:17 > 0:36:20Oooh...
0:36:20 > 0:36:22Actually, that's quite annoying.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Get on the bed, let me tie you to the rails
0:36:25 > 0:36:27# I love making love on a bed of nails! #
0:36:27 > 0:36:29- But can I go on top?- No.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31You're too heavy.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33# It's not one thing about you, it's everything
0:36:33 > 0:36:35# Your tattoos, your piercings, your nipple-rings! #
0:36:35 > 0:36:37Thanks, you filthy whore!
0:36:37 > 0:36:39They're clip-ons.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43# Show me what to do
0:36:43 > 0:36:45# Do things to me
0:36:45 > 0:36:47- # I'm gonna hurt you, bite you - Yeah! Oh!
0:36:47 > 0:36:50- # Punch you, kick you, kill you - Oh, yeah!
0:36:50 > 0:36:52- # Whoa, whoa - what? - Maybe not that. #
0:36:52 > 0:36:55I've hidden the first-aid kit.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57Oh, you ARE naughty!
0:36:57 > 0:37:00# I've boiled some pasta! #
0:37:02 > 0:37:04OK.
0:37:05 > 0:37:06Why?
0:37:06 > 0:37:09I thought we could...eat it?
0:37:09 > 0:37:12Yeah, you know how I feel about white carbs.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14I can't really have them, so...
0:37:14 > 0:37:19- Mr Pain, can I show you something I've written?- Yeah, yeah, sure.
0:37:21 > 0:37:22# Roses are red
0:37:22 > 0:37:24# Violets are blue
0:37:24 > 0:37:26# Norman
0:37:26 > 0:37:30# I'd like to get to know you. #
0:37:30 > 0:37:32Wow.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36Wow, that was rubbish!
0:37:36 > 0:37:38My 12-year-old son could do better than that!
0:37:38 > 0:37:41- What? You've got kids?- Yeah, I'm married, I've got a wedding ring.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44- What did you think it was? - A knuckle-duster.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46No, it's a small token of mine and Daphne's love.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Can we stop the song, please! Can you stop the s... Oh.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51LAUGHTER
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Sorry about this, guys.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56This has never happened before.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59We'll just give Eri a minute.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05- Actually, a minute's a bit long. - It is a bit long.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07So, how's your love life?
0:38:07 > 0:38:09It's not too bad.
0:38:09 > 0:38:13- I went on a date on Friday.- Oh, are you going to give us the details?
0:38:13 > 0:38:16No, I do not kiss and tell, sir.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18I kiss and act it out.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20I've got a transcript here.
0:38:20 > 0:38:24If you wouldn't mind playing the woman, that'd be great.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26Cheers, thanks.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29So, I walked into this bar and...
0:38:29 > 0:38:34across the room was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.
0:38:34 > 0:38:39She had long luscious hair that swept to the floor,
0:38:39 > 0:38:43it was beautiful - except the bit that swept on the floor.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46That was quite disgusting.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49I walked up to her. "Is this seat taken?"
0:38:49 > 0:38:52"I don't think it's been taken as it's still here."
0:38:52 > 0:38:54SHE LAUGHS
0:38:54 > 0:38:57- "Maybe I could buy you a drink?" - "G&T, hold the straw."
0:38:57 > 0:39:00- "How about a mojito?" - "Are you trying to get me drunk?"
0:39:00 > 0:39:04"No, it's just that I have a two-for-one voucher."
0:39:05 > 0:39:08I headed to the bar. To my delight, the barman forgot to take the voucher
0:39:08 > 0:39:10which meant I could use it again.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13"Thanks. Now, tell me about you."
0:39:13 > 0:39:18"Well, I don't tell many people this, but I have a low sperm count."
0:39:18 > 0:39:21- "Mm."- "Would you like to dance?" - "I'd love to dance."
0:39:21 > 0:39:23"Good. I'll sit here and watch."
0:39:25 > 0:39:27I began to dance for him. Sexily.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Locking eyes and licking my lips
0:39:29 > 0:39:32as I did the sultry, sexy moves
0:39:32 > 0:39:34of the Macarena.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37"Wow, I've never seen such graceful pop rock."
0:39:37 > 0:39:41"Thank you. I learnt it in Harlem when I was helping out the little black children."
0:39:41 > 0:39:44"I'm so sorry. Negroes."
0:39:44 > 0:39:47Our conversation lasted all night.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50"..And so I killed him with my bare hands!
0:39:50 > 0:39:54"But enough about me working in the nursery.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56"What about you?"
0:39:56 > 0:39:59- "I work in the City."- "Let me guess? Investment banking?"
0:39:59 > 0:40:01"Close. Upper Crust."
0:40:02 > 0:40:07We continued to laugh and giggle until he suggested we should leave.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09We walked along the river bank. She started to come on to me.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12"Is that an old condom floating by?"
0:40:12 > 0:40:15"No, it's a fish."
0:40:15 > 0:40:17"It's a shame. I might've asked you to put it on.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19AUDIENCE GROANS
0:40:19 > 0:40:23- "Sorry, that's too forward." - "No, not at all."
0:40:23 > 0:40:26I grabbed her in my arms and kissed her passionately.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29- "You're a very good kisser." - "I had a very good coach."
0:40:29 > 0:40:30"Do you have any brothers?"
0:40:30 > 0:40:32AUDIENCE GROANS
0:40:32 > 0:40:35I was done with the teasing, I wanted to get her home.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37So I hailed a cab. Well, she hailed a cab.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Me being black, I found it a bit difficult.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43We finally got home and then we entered the house.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45And then what happened?
0:40:45 > 0:40:48Then we made the headboards shake and the heavens rumble.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50It's a bit sad that you made a transcript.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Oh, I didn't. I got that from the police.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54LAUGHTER
0:40:54 > 0:40:58So, you're probably wanting us to end on a song about jogging? Good!
0:41:03 > 0:41:06# Where've you been, son?
0:41:06 > 0:41:12# Why are you looking so tired and worn and weary? #
0:41:12 > 0:41:14I've been for a run, Ma.
0:41:16 > 0:41:20# Where've you been, son?
0:41:20 > 0:41:24# Why's Mr Windy been sweeping through your hair? #
0:41:26 > 0:41:27I've been for a run, Ma.
0:41:30 > 0:41:34# Where've you been, son?
0:41:34 > 0:41:38# Why are your snowdrop eyelids so heavy? #
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Are you fucking deaf?
0:41:45 > 0:41:48I said I went for a run, you fat cow.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51- We've been Ginger and Black, thank you.- Thank you very much.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:56 > 0:42:00Ladies and gentlemen, Ginger and Black!
0:42:01 > 0:42:04Thank you very much for watching Good News! Good night, my friends!
0:42:04 > 0:42:06Good night!
0:42:06 > 0:42:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:12 > 0:42:15Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd