0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Hello, hello, hello.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30And welcome to a special edition of Good News, Best Bits.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Now, we've had amazing stories this series,
0:00:32 > 0:00:34tonight, I'm showing my favourites
0:00:34 > 0:00:36with a few extra unseen bits thrown in for good measure.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38So...enjoy.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Now, what's been happening?
0:00:40 > 0:00:44The BBC interviewed the worst Boris Johnson lookalike ever.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45I've always had concerns about this...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47LAUGHTER COVERS SPEECH
0:00:47 > 0:00:51That is nothing. Did anyone else see that gnome wanking on the news?
0:00:51 > 0:00:56Gnomes banned for 100 years have been spotted here at Chelsea.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:01 > 0:01:03And finally, is it me,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06or does Nick Owen really have a favourite co-host?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Welcome to Midlands Today with Mary Rhodes.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Hello! Welcome to Midlands Today with Mary Rhodes.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Mary Rhodes. Mary Rhodes. Mary Rhodes.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Mary Rhodes. Mary Rhodes.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:22In political news,
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Cameron's been having a tough time trying to make gay marriage legal.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29The Prime Minister is facing opposition from within his own party
0:01:29 > 0:01:31as the bill to allow same-sex marriage
0:01:31 > 0:01:34in England and Wales returns to the House Of Commons.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37You're telling me. Now, loads of Tories were outraged.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- UPPER-CLASS ACCENT: - "It's disgusting! It's appalling!"
0:01:39 > 0:01:43But Norman Tebbit wins my award for over-reaction of the week.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Did you see what he said?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- APPLAUSE - What?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00"Gay marriage may lead to a lesbian Quee..."?!
0:02:00 > 0:02:04I'd love to have seen the Queen's face when she read that.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05- AS THE QUEEN:- Philip!
0:02:06 > 0:02:10It says here that if they pass gay marriage I'll become a lesbian!
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- WHISPERING BREATHY VOICE:- Really?
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Can I watch?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Hello, Kelly Brook? I'm sending a cab.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- LAUGHTER - I tell you what,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24this is going to change the Queen's Speech.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- AS THE QUEEN:- Britain, I've got an announcement to make.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30I'm off the crown jewels.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34From now on I shall be known as "Your Vajesty".
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Yah. Yah.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Yah, yah.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Yah. Yah, yah.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Gay marriage will lead to a lesbian Queen?!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47What, and I suppose it'll make Prince Harry do this?
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Mind you...
0:02:52 > 0:02:55..if you think what Norman Tebbit said was insane,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57look what this bloke in America did.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00A dog owner sends his pet to be euthanized
0:03:00 > 0:03:02because he thinks his dog is gay.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06The pup was pumping another male dog,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09the owner told shelter workers he refuses to have a gay dog.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- CHUCKLING - Yeah.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14He wants his dog to be killed cos he's gay!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- Poor dog. - AUDIENCE: Aw.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Yeah!
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Imagine him in the pound.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21What are you in for? Too old. You?
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- Too fabulous! - LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- CAMP AMERICAN ACCENT: - Fetch your bone?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Honey, I don't even know your name.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:34 > 0:03:38The big news this week, it's all been kicking off in Korea.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Tension on the Korean peninsula is running at dangerous levels.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Kim Jong-Un is seen as a loose cannon by the West,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49but no-one can really second guess how this crisis will play out.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51North Korea said it's planning to fire another missile
0:03:51 > 0:03:54over the Pacific Ocean, possibly as early as tomorrow.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Are you worried about nuclear threat?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- AUDIENCE: No! - Me neither.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59I've seen their rockets.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:05They've got nothing.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- APPLAUSE - Literally nothing.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Check out their binoculars.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Their leader Kim Jong-Un has threatened to start a nuclear war,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22but no-one's worried, are we?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25He's like the mad kid at school that just makes things up.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26I've got missiles and rockets
0:04:26 > 0:04:27and a flying monkey that's got lasers for eyes.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29And my dog is made of marshmallows
0:04:29 > 0:04:31and when it barks it fires sweets that haven't even been invented yet.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33And my dad's so cool, he wees Coca-Cola.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:39He calls himself the Supreme Leader.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42That doesn't make him sound scary, that makes him sound like a pizza.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48He's SUCH an oddball. Do you know he cuts his own hair?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- What with? A rock? - RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:04:51 > 0:04:55It's a scary old place, North Korea. It's like something out of 1984 -
0:04:55 > 0:04:57the people are brainwashed, terrified.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Every time you see them on the news, they've CLEARLY been forced
0:05:00 > 0:05:01to say something against their will.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03TRANSLATION:
0:05:06 > 0:05:08HE WHIMPERS
0:05:08 > 0:05:09But I've actually got hold of a machine
0:05:09 > 0:05:11which tells you what they're REALLY thinking.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:42 > 0:05:43I like that.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Have you seen their military propaganda videos?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49They're ridiculous. They're full of things they can't possibly do.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Leaping, jumping, leaping through fire.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53It's true. Take a look at this.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56ROUSING MUSIC
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Mind you, we've all done propaganda videos.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29You should see the trailer for Good News that I wanted to show.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32ROUSING MUSIC
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Ahhh!
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Unh!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Huh!
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Argh!
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Ahh!
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Ahh!
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Argh!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Hey!
0:07:06 > 0:07:08HE UNZIPS
0:07:11 > 0:07:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:19 > 0:07:22# Baby, baby, baby, ooh! #
0:07:25 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Elsewhere this week, have you seen who fancies being London Mayor?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Eddie Izzard says he's prepared to take the flak
0:07:35 > 0:07:38for wanting to pursue a career in politics.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39In a recent magazine interview,
0:07:39 > 0:07:41the comedian confirmed
0:07:41 > 0:07:43he will seek the Labour nomination for Mayor of London.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Wow.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Eddie Izzard versus Boris Johnson.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53That could be the most amazing, surreal debate ever.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- I want a party with values. - Reduce crime and disorder.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Invade Birmingham! - Pelted with porkpies!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Take your buttocks and sell them to the Chinese.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- I'm going to do that. - Porkpie hats on a raptor.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- Kill a rabbit.- Chicken undertakers.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Beetroot juice!- Chocolate Hobnobs.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- Macaroon.- Cake mix.- Cyborg.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09- Tutti.- Badger.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- Pigs and squirrels.- Wif-waf! - Helicopters!
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- Bicycles.- Bonk.- Codswallop.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- What?- Flabbergasted.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16- Lipstick.- Pussycat.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- Bisexual hermaphrodite.- Very nice.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - That....is a debate we'd all watch.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Elsewhere this week, big drama for Simon Cowell.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32There was added drama and excitement
0:08:32 > 0:08:35on the live final of Britain's Got Talent tonight.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37A young woman appeared to get up from the orchestra
0:08:37 > 0:08:41and pelted the judges, including Simon Cowell, with eggs.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44# Ohhh!
0:08:44 > 0:08:49# And, oh, to dream
0:08:49 > 0:08:50# The impossible... #
0:08:50 > 0:08:52One egg nearly hit Simon in the face,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55but luckily, his belt protected him.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- LAUGHTER - It's...it's a shame we're talking about eggs,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00we should be talking about the winners.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03They're called Attraction. Did you see them? They're amazing.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05# Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh
0:09:05 > 0:09:07# I wanna sing
0:09:07 > 0:09:09# I wanna shout
0:09:09 > 0:09:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:12 > 0:09:14# I wanna scream till the words dry out
0:09:14 > 0:09:18# So put it in all of the papers
0:09:18 > 0:09:20# I'm not afraid
0:09:20 > 0:09:23# They can read all about it
0:09:23 > 0:09:26# Read all about it, oh... #
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Incredible, moving images there.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Mind you, have you seen their outtakes?
0:09:31 > 0:09:32They're a bit full-on.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34# Come on, come on
0:09:34 > 0:09:35# You've gotta...
0:09:35 > 0:09:38CHEERING
0:09:38 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I tell you what,
0:09:57 > 0:10:02I cannot wait to see them perform that at the Royal Variety.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Well, Simon Cowell wasn't the only celeb who's had a tough week.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Did you hear about Tulisa?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Tulisa was arrested two days after this picture was revealed.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13It allegedly shows her arranging for a friend
0:10:13 > 0:10:17to supply half an ounce of cocaine to an undercover reporter.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19To be honest, I felt a bit sorry for her.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I mean, we've all been stung.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Yeah, mate. I can get you anything you want.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Big time.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30LAUGHTER
0:10:30 > 0:10:32And if that's not enough for you,
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I can get you a really filthy party girl.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - I'm going to suck you dry.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:48 > 0:10:51This is a new bit of the show called Headliners,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54where members of the public persuade me why they should be
0:10:54 > 0:10:57making the headlines. Please welcome my Headliners!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- Hello.- Hello.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Madam, what is your name? - Michelle Sullivan.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Why should you be in the news?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09I am the world record holder of the largest collection
0:11:09 > 0:11:11of sheep collectables.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Are you the only person that collects?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Who is your nearest rival? I think it's me, with one.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- How many have you got?- 777.- Get in!
0:11:24 > 0:11:29How many sheep have you got, inflatable or otherwise?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- I have none.- Would you like one?- No.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33OK.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- I've got a few sheep's skulls, though.- There you go.
0:11:35 > 0:11:3815-all in mad tennis.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Why have you been in the news?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I am in the news because I eat roadkill.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50AUDIENCE GROANS
0:11:50 > 0:11:54Interestingly, that look you gave the audience was the last look
0:11:54 > 0:11:56animals give before they get run over.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- What have you got there? - I've got a badger's head.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Oh!
0:12:07 > 0:12:14- Did you kill it?- No. A head has five different tastes and textures.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Yeah. Rank,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19filthy, disgusting, horrible and evil.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- You have obviously never tried one. - Of course I haven't, it's a badger!
0:12:25 > 0:12:29If you saw a vole with a lovely pot belly...
0:12:30 > 0:12:34..and just before you saw him, he'd danced in peri-peri spice...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38..would you put him on a George Foreman grill?
0:12:38 > 0:12:42I have eaten a vole, but you don't eat the belly.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45You don't eat the belly. What do you eat?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47You eat the other bits.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Is this really upsetting you?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53There was a moment where one of your sheep went,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55"Oh, fucking hell."
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I like you, my friend. You're a very interesting man.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02It is commitment to come on TV and say you eat roadkill,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04so you are my favourite Headliner!
0:13:04 > 0:13:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Next up, check out what this man from Devon did.
0:13:21 > 0:13:27What?! How hammered do you have to be? "I fucking hate peanuts."
0:13:29 > 0:13:32"I fucking hate them. They're the most arrogant of all the nuts."
0:13:38 > 0:13:40"Fucking hell, that ambulance is all right!"
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Imagine him with the police. "She was gagging for it.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51"I got my dick out and she went, 'Woo-woo!'"
0:13:53 > 0:13:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:57 > 0:13:58If you think that is shocking,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01it's got nothing on the horror going on in British schools.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Finally, they've done something about this.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07A school in Essex has banned triangular flapjacks,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10saying they are too dangerous.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14The school in Canvey Island was told to cut them into squares
0:14:14 > 0:14:18or rectangles after a pupil was hit in the face by a flying flapjack.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23So ridiculous, isn't it? In America, kids are like, AK-47.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Over here, Mr Kipling.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Flapjacks. Do you reckon there's kids bragging outside school?
0:14:30 > 0:14:31"I got suspended." "What for?"
0:14:31 > 0:14:35"I was eating a flapjack that weren't shaped like an oblong.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38"I don't give a fuck!"
0:14:38 > 0:14:39School has really changed.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42When I was at school, bullies gave you dead legs, Chinese burns.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Now, they're giving you snacks!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47"You better watch out, Howard,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50"or you'll get a taste of my mum's delicious Madeira cake."
0:14:55 > 0:14:58"I wouldn't want to be you halfway through geography.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01"You is going to have a well-bad sugar crash."
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Next up, men, whatever you are doing, stop and pay attention.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10This is truly incredible.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19Squeezing... Exactly, squeezing boobs can prevent breast cancer!
0:15:19 > 0:15:23This is amazing and I'm not the only one who is excited.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Yes! Yes!
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Let's get started, baby.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:37 > 0:15:39He's going to live!
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Did you hear about this?
0:15:41 > 0:15:45A local council candidate for UKIP faces criticism after
0:15:45 > 0:15:49allegedly posting anti-gay comments on Facebook.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53John Sullivan wrote that regular physical exercise in schools
0:15:53 > 0:15:56can prevent homosexuality.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Exercise stops you being gay. How does that work?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03"I love cock so much."
0:16:08 > 0:16:11"Mmmm, tits!"
0:16:11 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Exercise stops you from being gay? That is bullshit.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Shall I tell you why, my friends? Two words - Louis Spence.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31He is amazingly fit and I don't know if you've noticed
0:16:31 > 0:16:32this about Louis...
0:16:35 > 0:16:39..but when it comes to vagina, he ain't a diner.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Who would have guessed it, but plastic surgery is bad for you.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52A review into the UK's cosmetics industry has warned that
0:16:52 > 0:16:56injections used to plump up the skin are a crisis waiting to happen.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Fillers are treated too casually and could go horribly wrong.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02You're telling me!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04You went for the cheap option and it backfired horribly?
0:17:04 > 0:17:08"Buy cheap, buy twice," my mum always said.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- It looks really painful. - It was agonising.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I won't downplay it.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Holy shit! It looks like a gibbon's arsehole.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20She looks like she's been on a date with Chris Brown.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23AUDIENCE GROANS
0:17:23 > 0:17:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:26 > 0:17:29APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:17:30 > 0:17:33He is, of course, an arsehole.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35"Woman, that's not how you pronounce umbrella."
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Now, why do women want big lips?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I've never heard a bloke go, "What do I like in a woman?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45"I like it when they look like they're kissing a window."
0:17:50 > 0:17:53It's madness. I've never caught a trout and gone,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55"Fucking hell, he's all right!"
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Well let's hope fish DO have a five-second memory.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Thwap!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01AUDIENCE GROANS
0:18:01 > 0:18:06Women are beautiful things. You don't need to change your body.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09It's like women who have their anuses bleached.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11What, are there men going, "She's pretty, she's clever,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14"she's funny, but her arsehole's mauve.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17"You know me, guys, I like mahogany sapphire."
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Trust me, ladies, if you let a guy bum you,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23he's not bothered about the colour.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26He's not going down there with a Dulux colour chart.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33"I'm terribly sorry, Cynthia, it's the wrong shade.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35"Let's call the whole thing off."
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Not that I'm against all plastic surgery. Did you hear about this?
0:18:48 > 0:18:54- Now, THAT would be amazing.- There you go, three pints.- Cheers, mate.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Elsewhere this week. Did you hear about this?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13A council in Bucks has given Wetherspoon's
0:19:13 > 0:19:15permission to open a pub on the M40.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18That's right, we're now going to have pubs on motorways!
0:19:19 > 0:19:23How British is that! "God, I'm tired from all this driving.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24"I need a Jagerbomb."
0:19:27 > 0:19:28"Dave, I'm not sure you should be driving!"
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- SLURRED:- "I'm fine, leave me alone, you don't own me."
0:19:33 > 0:19:36"Dave, you're not fine, you're still on the toilet.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39"You've got a pasty in your hand. Dave, you've shat yourself."
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Imagine driving when you're pissed.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49How much will the satnav freak you out? "In 100 yards, bear left."
0:19:49 > 0:19:50"Where?"
0:19:51 > 0:19:55"I hate bears. I'm going back, I need another drink."
0:19:59 > 0:20:03I love the reaction of people on Twitter.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Oh yeah! We've actually got a photo of him parking.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20When he stepped out of the car, he went, "Should have gone to... Aagh!"
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Not that it's my favourite driving story of the week.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26This is wonderful!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29This dog is in the doghouse after causing his owner's truck to
0:20:29 > 0:20:33crash into a house in Redding.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35So what happened? How did a dog cause a crash?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38The driver had his dog in the front seat of his truck with him.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40The dog couldn't hold it any longer
0:20:40 > 0:20:46and started going to the bathroom right in the centre of the truck.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48That's right, his dog dropped his guts
0:20:48 > 0:20:50and he crashed into a house.
0:20:50 > 0:20:58"Mirror, signal... Oh, Rover! I said sit, you daft bastard. Sit!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01"You've dumped everywhere!"
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Christ, can you imagine what that car was like?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Well, that is going to change the ads.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13"We buy any car... Except that one!"
0:21:13 > 0:21:15The Churchill dog in the back, "Oh, no!"
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Never have a dog in the front seat. Dogs don't give a toss.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23When they've got to go, they've got to go.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31That's right!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33No animal has that level of arrogance.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35"It's your wedding dress, is it?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38"Been looking forward to this day all your life, have ya?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41"Well, I need a piss.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43"And I'm going to go on your ankle."
0:21:43 > 0:21:45It's the way he swags up. "All right? Having a good day?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47"That's where that goes."
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- What's your name, my friend? - My name's Jake.- Of course it is.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Go on then.
0:21:59 > 0:22:05Now, I have a theory, with a proper Cockney ding dong,
0:22:05 > 0:22:09that you should be able to create love and harmony throughout,
0:22:09 > 0:22:10but I need you to help me.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14This is...
0:22:14 > 0:22:18This is a traditional East London musical instrument.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19A banana?!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23What you have to do is, whenever there's a break in the music
0:22:23 > 0:22:27or the song, you have to hold it up and shout, "Have a banana!"
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- Right.- There's another thing you need to do.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35Every song in the Cockney style finishes exactly the same,
0:22:35 > 0:22:36which goes like this.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38# Da-da-da-da-da-da...
0:22:38 > 0:22:40# How is your father? #
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Fuck you.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Do it again, do it again. Do it again, I've got it.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51# Da-da-da-da-da-da...
0:22:51 > 0:22:52# How is your father? #
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Ask Jeremy Kyle.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57One more. One more. I've got one more.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59# La-da-da-da-da...
0:22:59 > 0:23:00# How's your father? #
0:23:00 > 0:23:02He never calls me.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Over in China, there's been a magical discovery.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Is time travel possible? Well, perhaps.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17A time travel tunnel apparently exists in China.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19You're telling me.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Here I am before I went in the tunnel.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23And here I am afterwards.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29From time travel to a filthy radish.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Have you heard about the latest piece of art taking Japan
0:23:32 > 0:23:35by storm? Get ready for this. It's...
0:23:41 > 0:23:45That's right - an art piece that shows you what a radish looks like
0:23:45 > 0:23:47when it has an orgasm.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Do you want to see it? You know you do!
0:23:50 > 0:23:51- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Yes! Yes!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57ODD GROANING
0:24:01 > 0:24:04What the sweet Mary fuck was that?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Who looks at a vegetable and thinks,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09"I wonder what they sound like when they're shagging"?
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Imagine if you heard your neighbour chopping up one of those.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15"Officer, there's a man abusing women!"
0:24:15 > 0:24:17"It's cool, he's just raping a turnip."
0:24:19 > 0:24:22If veg is getting sexy, how long before you go to Tesco
0:24:22 > 0:24:24and the carrots look like this?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Some peculiar health stories knocking around.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Doctors have discovered an evil new disease.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Watching your favourite soap opera could be bad for your health.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Doctors are worried we're becoming too much like the beer-guzzling,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41butty-eating characters in the show.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Apparently soaps make you ill. You're telling me.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Five minutes of Emmerdale and you want to take your own life.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50"Mr Dingle, come quick, it's the farm!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53"Fucking Betty's sheep's got hiccups or something."
0:24:55 > 0:24:57If doctors want soaps to be healthier,
0:24:57 > 0:25:00it's really going to change EastEnders.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Pat...
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Pat.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09What is it, Barry?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I think I've overdone the yoga.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15EASTENDERS DRUMS PLAY
0:25:15 > 0:25:19In sports news, scandal has hit the world of horse racing.
0:25:19 > 0:25:24British horse racing has been hit by its biggest ever doping scandal
0:25:24 > 0:25:27after 11 horses from the Godolphin stable were found to have
0:25:27 > 0:25:29been drugged with banned steroids.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Apparently they knew something was wrong
0:25:30 > 0:25:33when the horses ran the race with the jockey in his arms.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36"GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39"Arrgggh!"
0:25:39 > 0:25:41APPLAUSE
0:25:41 > 0:25:42To be honest,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45it's not horses on roids you want to worry about.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Some of them are on acid.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51# I'll speak a little louder I'll even shout
0:25:51 > 0:25:52# You know that I'm proud
0:25:52 > 0:25:54# And I can't get the words out
0:25:54 > 0:25:57# Ohhhhh... #
0:25:57 > 0:26:00And it didn't end well for that fellow.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02# Ohhhhh.... #
0:26:02 > 0:26:05LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Did you know that last Friday was the happiest day of the year?
0:26:13 > 0:26:17You're telling me! I had a belter of a day.
0:26:17 > 0:26:23# And it's always you and me, always
0:26:23 > 0:26:26# And forever You and me... #
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Hey, Pete! Pete! Weeeey!
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Ha-ha-ha!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:37 > 0:26:42# You and me, always... #
0:26:51 > 0:26:54AUDIENCE GROANS
0:27:02 > 0:27:04PHRRT!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Do you know, I'm really going to miss you.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32I'm going to miss you, too, you wonky-eyed fuck!
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Aw...
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Hey, Sugartits, let's bounce.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Ha-ha-ha!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47HE MOUTHS
0:27:47 > 0:27:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:50 > 0:27:53I love that man. I love that man so much.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Time for Stand Up. My guest is one of the best comics on the circuit.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02It's a pleasure to have him on.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Please welcome the wonderful Luke Toulson!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Before we start, can I just tell you something that
0:28:18 > 0:28:20I saw today which I thought was interesting?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22If you go on the Nectar card website,
0:28:22 > 0:28:25they have a frequently asked questions page and one
0:28:25 > 0:28:30of the questions is, "My partner has died - can I transfer their points?"
0:28:32 > 0:28:35How frequently is that question asked,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38that it's now on the frequently asked questions page?
0:28:38 > 0:28:40And how soon after their death?
0:28:40 > 0:28:42It's always going to be too soon.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44The answer's yes, by the way.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48Yes, you can trade in your partner for their Nectar card points.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53My girlfriend would trade me in tomorrow, given the chance.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56We have a set of scales in our bedroom, which is
0:28:56 > 0:29:00a recipe for disaster, because it's never good news.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03The other day she got on the scales and was like,
0:29:03 > 0:29:04"Ooh, I've put on weight."
0:29:04 > 0:29:08Then she turns to me and goes, "Do you think I've put on weight?"
0:29:08 > 0:29:13Well... Yeah. All the evidence is pointing in that direction.
0:29:13 > 0:29:19You can't get on the scales and then announce that you've put on weight.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21I mean, I know... I'm not an idiot.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24I know the correct answer is, "No, if anything you've lost weight!"
0:29:24 > 0:29:27But, er, I don't want to go against science.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30It's fact.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34My least favourite thing about being in a relationship
0:29:34 > 0:29:36is the compulsory shared baths.
0:29:36 > 0:29:40When you get to my stage of life, it's just a waste of a good bath.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44No-one has ever been in a bath and gone, "You know what
0:29:44 > 0:29:48"would make this better? Someone lying on top of me."
0:29:48 > 0:29:52You can't move because she's jammed in between my legs
0:29:52 > 0:29:55and her hair's in my face, which you're not allowed to get wet
0:29:55 > 0:29:58because it's not fucking hair washing night.
0:29:58 > 0:30:02You women take that shit seriously. You're like, "Don't get my hair wet!"
0:30:02 > 0:30:04"Yeah, this is going to be fun(!)"
0:30:04 > 0:30:06If I fart, she feels it.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12Have to share everything when you're in a relationship, though.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15We share a computer and this has caused some problems.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19Like, whenever I tell people that, they're like,
0:30:19 > 0:30:21"Just clear your history. Problem gone."
0:30:21 > 0:30:24I'm like, "That doesn't work because women are not stupid."
0:30:24 > 0:30:28When they see that there's been some sort of Stalinist eradication
0:30:28 > 0:30:33of your internet history, they don't go, "Well, that's perfectly normal.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36"Obviously no-one's looked at the internet on this computer.
0:30:36 > 0:30:37"Ever.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39"No need to ask any questions."
0:30:39 > 0:30:41We don't need a "clear history" button,
0:30:41 > 0:30:44what we need is a "rewrite history" button.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46You just click on it
0:30:46 > 0:30:49and it makes up a whole bunch of websites you've been to instead,
0:30:49 > 0:30:53like "10 Great Weekends Away With The Woman You Love.
0:30:53 > 0:30:54"Dot Com."
0:30:54 > 0:30:57"100 Ways To Be Better Boyfriend" and then your girlfriend will come
0:30:57 > 0:31:00back from the computer and she's like, "You...
0:31:01 > 0:31:05"Someone's getting a special treat tonight."
0:31:05 > 0:31:08And I'm like, "Someone's five minutes too late."
0:31:12 > 0:31:16Even worse, when you're watching something particularly dodgy
0:31:16 > 0:31:19on the internet and your computer just shuts down with
0:31:19 > 0:31:22that message, "Internet Explorer quit unexpectedly."
0:31:22 > 0:31:25And you're like, "Don't play coy with me, computer.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27"You know damn well what you quit.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30"There's nothing remotely legal about what we were just watching."
0:31:30 > 0:31:34Then it flashes up that message, "Do you want me to report this problem?"
0:31:34 > 0:31:35Fuck, no!
0:31:37 > 0:31:40Do not report this. This never happened.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42I'll just buy a new computer.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48I'm a parent as well. I've got kids.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51My favourite thing to do with my kids,
0:31:51 > 0:31:53whenever I'm at a busy train station,
0:31:53 > 0:31:56instead of carrying my kids down the stairs, what I do is walk them
0:31:56 > 0:32:00down so that no-one can get past.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02So much fun. You build up this big sea of resentment,
0:32:02 > 0:32:06of all these people going, "Pick up your sodding kid, pick up..."
0:32:06 > 0:32:07He needs to learn!
0:32:07 > 0:32:10LAUGHTER
0:32:10 > 0:32:12Pisses them off.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Especially because my son's 11.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18He can totally walk down unaided.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20He's 11. My son is 11, and get this,
0:32:20 > 0:32:24I've just found out that he's got his first girlfriend.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26- AUDIENCE:- Awww.
0:32:26 > 0:32:27No, you should see her.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29LAUGHTER
0:32:29 > 0:32:33Very disappointing. What's her name? I know this...
0:32:33 > 0:32:36David. Yep.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39Always kissing, those two. Always kissing.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42It's not, no, it's not David. It's Sophie, or something.
0:32:42 > 0:32:43She is proper rough.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45LAUGHTER
0:32:45 > 0:32:48What, would you rather I found her attractive, or...?
0:32:48 > 0:32:49LAUGHTER
0:32:49 > 0:32:52I've also got a little girl, little nine-year-old. She is a lot of fun.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54We play games all the time.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58The other day we were playing Charades, and this was her clue.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01LAUGHTER
0:33:01 > 0:33:05Nine years old. She is like, "Come on, Daddy, you know this.
0:33:05 > 0:33:06"It's a film, daddy."
0:33:08 > 0:33:09"Oh, fuck, has she been on my computer?"
0:33:09 > 0:33:12LAUGHTER
0:33:12 > 0:33:14Lord Of The Rings.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18Good clue, isn't it? I should have got it.
0:33:18 > 0:33:19I hate losing to my kids!
0:33:19 > 0:33:22I was playing shop with my little girl the other day,
0:33:22 > 0:33:24because I couldn't think of an excuse quick enough
0:33:24 > 0:33:26not to be playing shop with her, so I was like,
0:33:26 > 0:33:29"All right, darling, please may I have..."
0:33:29 > 0:33:31And she goes, "No, Daddy, there's a queue."
0:33:31 > 0:33:32"You what?"
0:33:32 > 0:33:35And she points to a line of her teddy bears.
0:33:35 > 0:33:40I've got to queue up to play with my own daughter.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42And it takes ages!
0:33:42 > 0:33:46I think Peppa Pig's trying to pay with a cheque or something.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48LAUGHTER
0:33:48 > 0:33:49When I get to the front, I'm like,
0:33:49 > 0:33:53"Seriously, you need to get some more people working on the tills here."
0:33:53 > 0:33:55"This is ridiculous." She's like,
0:33:55 > 0:33:58"Well, you could have used the self-service."
0:33:58 > 0:34:01I didn't know there was a self-service option!
0:34:01 > 0:34:04So now, even though my daughter is free and available to serve me,
0:34:04 > 0:34:07I use the self-service just to piss her off.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10I'm not playing shop with my daughter.
0:34:10 > 0:34:11I'm playing shop with myself.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14She's like, "Have you got a loyalty card?"
0:34:14 > 0:34:16I'm like, "I'm not coming here again!"
0:34:16 > 0:34:20Then she just calls out, "Security to check-out, please."
0:34:20 > 0:34:22LAUGHTER
0:34:22 > 0:34:25I had to teach them a lesson, so after my kids went to bed,
0:34:25 > 0:34:28I built a Tesco's right next to her shop.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30She went out of business.
0:34:31 > 0:34:32No-one beats me at shop.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37It's difficult being a parent, though.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40I took my kids to a theme park, and there was this awesome ride there,
0:34:40 > 0:34:43but my kids were not tall enough to go on it, but I was.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45LAUGHTER
0:34:45 > 0:34:48Why do we all have to have a shit day?
0:34:48 > 0:34:50The whole time I was there,
0:34:50 > 0:34:54I was fighting the urge to take my kids to the lost children place.
0:34:54 > 0:34:55Because who are they going to believe -
0:34:55 > 0:34:57me or some confused-looking kids?
0:34:57 > 0:35:03"Hello, I just found these two wandering around."
0:35:03 > 0:35:05They're like, "Daddy..."
0:35:05 > 0:35:06No!
0:35:06 > 0:35:09LAUGHTER
0:35:09 > 0:35:11Breaks your heart, doesn't it?
0:35:12 > 0:35:14(Some parents.)
0:35:14 > 0:35:18No, I could not do that. Imagine if one of my kids had been claimed.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21I had to just take the one that looked most similar.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Abdul, you're coming with me!
0:35:24 > 0:35:27LAUGHTER
0:35:27 > 0:35:29No, we ended up on the teacups.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31I don't know if any of the parents here,
0:35:31 > 0:35:33if you've ever been on teacups with your kids?
0:35:33 > 0:35:36It's rubbish, because they're like, "Spin it faster, Daddy!"
0:35:36 > 0:35:40You spin it faster! With your shitty little arms.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43LAUGHTER
0:35:43 > 0:35:44That don't work.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51My kids live down in Hampshire with their mum,
0:35:51 > 0:35:54and they come up and stay with me a lot in London.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56Last time they came up to London, they were like,
0:35:56 > 0:35:59"Daddy, we really want to go on a London bus."
0:36:00 > 0:36:02They may have said the London Eye.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05LAUGHTER
0:36:05 > 0:36:06I took them on a London bus.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09You still get to see London, but from a bus, right?
0:36:09 > 0:36:12Now, they, like all kids, wanted to sit on the back row,
0:36:12 > 0:36:15but the problem was, sat on the middle of the back row
0:36:15 > 0:36:17was this really angry looking hoodie.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Now, we all know the rules of the bus.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21You don't sit anywhere near this character.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24But they don't know the rules of the bus, because they're only kids,
0:36:24 > 0:36:27and they plonk themselves down one either side of him.
0:36:27 > 0:36:28LAUGHTER
0:36:28 > 0:36:31They're oblivious to the danger that they're in,
0:36:31 > 0:36:32and they just start playing their game of
0:36:32 > 0:36:37"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with K."
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Now, this puts our hoodie in a little bit of a quandary,
0:36:40 > 0:36:42because if he moves, he looks like he's just been
0:36:42 > 0:36:46bounced off the back row by a couple of kids from Hampshire.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50But if he stays there, they look like they're his crew.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52LAUGHTER
0:36:52 > 0:36:55I positioned myself a couple of rows up. I'm not stupid.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58If this kicks off, I want to be able to make a quick getaway.
0:36:58 > 0:36:59LAUGHTER
0:36:59 > 0:37:03But the hoodie, he realises he looks ridiculous, so to save face,
0:37:03 > 0:37:05he decides to join in the game,
0:37:05 > 0:37:07and he's like, "Tell me this, little man.
0:37:07 > 0:37:11"That K you is spying, is it cones?"
0:37:11 > 0:37:14LAUGHTER
0:37:14 > 0:37:17Now, I'm not saying all young people are stupid,
0:37:17 > 0:37:18because clearly they're not.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20I was on a bus another time without my kids,
0:37:20 > 0:37:23and there was a suspect package, and as you can imagine,
0:37:23 > 0:37:25in this day and age, all hell broke loose.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27The bus pulled over, the police were called,
0:37:27 > 0:37:30and then this 13-year-old kid in a hoodie comes down the stairs
0:37:30 > 0:37:32and he's like, "Wha g'wan?"
0:37:33 > 0:37:36Apparently that means, "What is going on?"
0:37:36 > 0:37:39I was like, "Well, I'll tell you wha g'wan.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42"There's a bloody suspect package, sonny."
0:37:42 > 0:37:44"That's wha g'wan."
0:37:44 > 0:37:47I kid you not, he looks at the rucksack, he walks over to it,
0:37:47 > 0:37:50he picks it up, he marches up the front of the bus,
0:37:50 > 0:37:53he lobs it out the door, he turns around and goes,
0:37:53 > 0:37:56"Mr Bus Driver, the bomb is outside. Can we go now, please?"
0:37:56 > 0:37:58LAUGHTER
0:37:58 > 0:38:00APPLAUSE
0:38:06 > 0:38:08These terrorists do not stand a chance so long as we have
0:38:08 > 0:38:12the most arrogant teenagers in the whole world.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15But the problem was, on the bus with my kids, we had a thick hoodie,
0:38:15 > 0:38:18and the reason this was a potentially incendiary situation is that
0:38:18 > 0:38:20anyone here who's got a little nine-year-old girl,
0:38:20 > 0:38:24you'll know that the distinguishing factor of little nine-year-old girls
0:38:24 > 0:38:28is they don't let anything go, so she's like, "Daddy, Daddy..."
0:38:28 > 0:38:30I'm pretending I don't know her.
0:38:30 > 0:38:34She is like, "Daddy, Daddy, cones isn't spelt with a K."
0:38:34 > 0:38:36"Don't anger the man!"
0:38:37 > 0:38:39"Er...it is in London, darling!"
0:38:40 > 0:38:43Then she looks at the hoodie dead in the eyes and goes,
0:38:43 > 0:38:45"But knife is."
0:38:45 > 0:38:48LAUGHTER
0:38:48 > 0:38:50Like she's mocking him!
0:38:50 > 0:38:52LAUGHTER
0:38:52 > 0:38:54At which point, the hoodie gets off the bus.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57It's his stop, but the rest of the bus don't know this.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59To them, it looks like he's just been psyched out
0:38:59 > 0:39:02by a little nine-year-old girl.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04I mean, it didn't help that she followed him down,
0:39:04 > 0:39:06going, "Yeah, keep walking, bitch."
0:39:06 > 0:39:09LAUGHTER
0:39:09 > 0:39:11She's like that. She's awesome, my little girl.
0:39:11 > 0:39:15Worst game to play with your kids is hide and seek.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18Hide and seek is a rubbish game. Not when you're young.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21When you're young, it's hiding and seeking, which is fun,
0:39:21 > 0:39:24but when you're a parent, it's not hiding and seeking,
0:39:24 > 0:39:27it's just waiting for your kids or looking for your kids.
0:39:27 > 0:39:30That's not a game to us, right?
0:39:30 > 0:39:32That's our life.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36So the last time I played hide and seek with my kids,
0:39:36 > 0:39:37just to sort of spice it up,
0:39:37 > 0:39:41I suggested that the seeker should have a gun.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44Just a toy gun my son had been given for Christmas,
0:39:44 > 0:39:46but it fired these rubber discs bloody hard, right?
0:39:46 > 0:39:49So it's my son's turn with the gun. Me and my little girl are hiding.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52Suddenly, I hear my little girl scream out,
0:39:52 > 0:39:54"Owww! You shot me in the eye!"
0:39:55 > 0:40:01Now, obviously, my first instinct as a father is to check that she's OK.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03But I'm in a really good hiding place.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07LAUGHTER
0:40:07 > 0:40:11I'm not thinking as a father any more, I'm thinking as a soldier.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14Forget the girl, the war's over for her.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16She's going home to medals and parades.
0:40:16 > 0:40:21Not me, I'm dug in behind the sofa, and I know my little girl.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24If she could, she would look at me with her one good eye...
0:40:25 > 0:40:28"You win this, Daddy." And then something weird happened.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31I don't know if any of you have served in the armed forces,
0:40:31 > 0:40:33but if you have, you would know how I felt
0:40:33 > 0:40:36during that game of hide and seek, because in the fog of war,
0:40:36 > 0:40:38your mind plays tricks with you,
0:40:38 > 0:40:41and I started to think, maybe it's a trap.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44Maybe she wasn't shot in the face.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47Maybe she's a double agent working for my son, because,
0:40:47 > 0:40:49and you won't know this, but he is a sneaky little shit.
0:40:49 > 0:40:50LAUGHTER
0:40:50 > 0:40:53And if I come out and I'm like, "Darling, are you OK?" And then, pow!
0:40:53 > 0:40:57I get shot in the face, that doesn't make me a good father, that makes me a loser,
0:40:57 > 0:41:00and this makes me angry, so fucking angry I want to shoot her in the other eye!
0:41:00 > 0:41:02LAUGHTER
0:41:02 > 0:41:06Maybe I'm not thinking straight. Because of all the screams.
0:41:06 > 0:41:11Oh, yeah, she is still screaming. She is definitely not a double agent.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14Anyone who saw her woeful performance as a donkey
0:41:14 > 0:41:17in her nativity play would know that
0:41:17 > 0:41:19she is just not that committed to the role.
0:41:19 > 0:41:23LAUGHTER Like any good soldier, I realise my little girl's screams
0:41:23 > 0:41:25were the perfect moment for me to make my move,
0:41:25 > 0:41:27so I jumped over the sofa, I grabbed the gun off my son,
0:41:27 > 0:41:29I sweep his feet out from underneath him,
0:41:29 > 0:41:32and I shout, "Face or balls?!"
0:41:32 > 0:41:34He's like, "What?"
0:41:34 > 0:41:37I'm like, "Do you want to be shot in the face or the balls?"
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Now, he's only 11, so he's like, "Balls."
0:41:40 > 0:41:42LAUGHTER IMITATES SHOTS
0:41:42 > 0:41:45We all learnt some important lessons that afternoon.
0:41:45 > 0:41:46LAUGHTER
0:41:46 > 0:41:49In A&E. LAUGHTER
0:41:49 > 0:41:51Me sat between my eye-patched daughter
0:41:51 > 0:41:55and my 11-year-old son clutching a bag of ice to his testicles.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58Everyone looking at me like I was the bad guy!
0:41:58 > 0:42:00It's like, "You weren't there, man."
0:42:00 > 0:42:04Anyway, that's why they live with their mum.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07It's been a real pleasure talking to you. Thanks very much.
0:42:07 > 0:42:08My name's Luke Toulson. Thank you.
0:42:08 > 0:42:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:12 > 0:42:14Ladies and gentlemen, Luke Toulson.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:17 > 0:42:19Thank you very much for watching the news.
0:42:19 > 0:42:21Good night, my friends. Good night.
0:42:21 > 0:42:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:43 > 0:42:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd