0:00:21 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Hello! And welcome to Good News.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31One of the best things about my job - I get to choose
0:00:31 > 0:00:33loads of great comics to come and do a set on my show.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35This is a special edition
0:00:35 > 0:00:38showing you all their very best bits, so enjoy.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47(DEADPAN) Hello, I'm Mark.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49LAUGHTER
0:00:49 > 0:00:51MIXED CHEERING
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Coo-ee! >
0:00:53 > 0:00:55LAUGHTER
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Not going to lie, I'm a little bit disappointed with that opening.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03There was clapping. That was good, I enjoyed that.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06But Russell mentioned, did he not, that I'm a geography teacher?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07WHOOPING
0:01:10 > 0:01:12The correct response is "Yes, sir."
0:01:12 > 0:01:16And that doesn't mean that manners can go out the window.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18What do you do when a teacher enters the room?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20- Leave!- Go home!
0:01:20 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:31(INAUDIBLE) >
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Stand up, so you DO know. We'll try again.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46part-time teacher of geography, Mark Cooper-Jones!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48CHEERING
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Thank you. Thank you.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02No, I haven't said sit down.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I haven't said sit down.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08I'm afraid that calls for teacher face disappointment level 2.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10But you may sit down.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I love X-Men. My favourite X-Man is Professor Xavier,
0:02:15 > 0:02:20because that guy is in a wheelchair, but he can move things with his mind.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21But that's what I never understood.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Like, if you can move a huge building with your mind,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27shouldn't you be able to move your legs with your mind?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Like, I think he was just faking it for a better disability cheque.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38And in the new X-Men, there's this mutant, Darwin,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41and Darwin's mutant ability is to adapt.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Like, when Darwin put his head underwater, he grows gills.
0:02:44 > 0:02:50He adapts. Which is amazing, but this guy's black in 1962 America.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56And it's like, hey, if you can grow gills on your face,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58you should not be black in 1962.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05Adapt! That's your mutant ability, Darwin!
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Like, at one point in the movie, the guy had bulletproof skin
0:03:07 > 0:03:10and I was like "Dude, you wouldn't need that if you were just white."
0:03:10 > 0:03:13MIXED LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:03:15 > 0:03:19I love that I'm doing stand-up on TV. This is amazing, because on TV,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21whenever you do a joke about a black guy, what they do is,
0:03:21 > 0:03:25they show a black guy in the audience laughing, so you guys know it's OK.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28So next time I'm on TV,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I'm going to do a joke about a paraplegic midget,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34just to watch the cameraman run around trying to find one
0:03:34 > 0:03:35right after I say it.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38"We need to find one!" "There's a short guy with a crutch".
0:03:38 > 0:03:42"Break his other leg! We don't want to offend anyone!"
0:03:44 > 0:03:49Oh, I saw a cab today. It had a sign on it
0:03:49 > 0:03:51that said "There's nothing of value in this car",
0:03:51 > 0:03:55and there was a man inside, and he looked very sad.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57"I'm worthless".
0:03:59 > 0:04:03I couldn't afford it, but I went on this ten-day vacation
0:04:03 > 0:04:07with my adopted dad, and it was ten days, but no alone time at all.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12So by day three of the trip, I end up having to try to wank off
0:04:12 > 0:04:15with my dad asleep in the hotel bed beside me.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16That's not the worst part.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19The worst part was, the whole time I'm doing it,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I had to stare at my dad to make sure he didn't wake up.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26And just imagine it from his perspective.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31If he woke up, what a harsh reality check that would be on his holiday.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Like, he goes from dreaming,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35thinking of this beautiful girl he saw in his dream,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37to waking up to his own son wanking off
0:04:37 > 0:04:40while staring at him while he's asleep,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42pretending that mole on his bald head
0:04:42 > 0:04:45is a weird nipple on an ugly tit.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Before this, I used to be a businesslady,
0:04:49 > 0:04:53and I quit because of the glass ceiling effect,
0:04:53 > 0:04:57which is the same reason I left the British Museum.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03For that joke to work,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06you have to know what a metaphorical glass ceiling is.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Then you've got to know
0:05:07 > 0:05:11that the British Museum has got the biggest ever glass ceiling,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13and then you've got to think it's funny, so...
0:05:15 > 0:05:16It's a bit of a tall order.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20But I like this job, because you get to work from home quite a lot,
0:05:20 > 0:05:24and I like working from home, because you can investigate different things.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Like, if you've run out of milk, this is a good tip,
0:05:28 > 0:05:33if you run out of milk, you can put yoghurt in your coffee,
0:05:33 > 0:05:34and it totally ruins it.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43So I'm engaged, no surprises there.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Someone's laughing more than they should at that.
0:05:49 > 0:05:55And it's lovely. Mainly for him, but it is. I love him!
0:05:55 > 0:05:58It's really nice. But, um...
0:06:00 > 0:06:04It's kind of weird, right, because I've only just got round
0:06:04 > 0:06:06to telling people that I've got a boyfriend.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I think loads of people do this.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11If you're in a social situation, you don't want to tell people
0:06:11 > 0:06:15that you've got a boyfriend, because you don't want to ruin their lives.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Come on, we've all been there.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21And I realised that this was ridiculous
0:06:21 > 0:06:24when someone did it to me, and I didn't even fancy him.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I'll explain what happened.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29He's a stand-up, so I can't say his name, and I had known him
0:06:29 > 0:06:32for about six months, and he had never mentioned a girlfriend.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33That's quite a long time, right?
0:06:33 > 0:06:37I would have liked to hear about his girlfriend, because I'm quite nosy.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38And he'd never mentioned it,
0:06:38 > 0:06:43so he must have thought that I fancied him, and I did not.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45And this was how I deduced all of this,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48because we were walking to a gig, and his girlfriend was coming later,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50but I didn't know she was coming to the gig.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52So we were walking to the gig and I said to him,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55"I'm just going to get a packet of Wotsits"...
0:06:55 > 0:07:01because I like Wotsits, and I tell it like it is.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04And here's what he said -
0:07:04 > 0:07:09"Oh, my girlfriend likes Wotsits."
0:07:12 > 0:07:17So then I've got to show the appropriate facial reaction
0:07:17 > 0:07:21to "I know you've just mentioned the G-bomb, but I'm not bothered",
0:07:21 > 0:07:24while also showing the appropriate facial reaction to...
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"Someone else likes Wotsits?"
0:07:29 > 0:07:32There's a lot going on. So I went with this.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41And then I said "I'll get her a packet if you like",
0:07:41 > 0:07:43which does sound bitter.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Guess we'd better sort some things out straight from the top, yeah?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Deal with some issues. First of all, let's deal with the audio.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55What's going into your earholes, mate? I'm not from here.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I'm from somewhere else, from New Zealand.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00There's something about the New Zealand accent, isn't there?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I'll tell you what it is. It's sexy.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Oh, yeah, I know a few of you ladies
0:08:06 > 0:08:09have been affected in the downstairs region already.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13There's a lot of moisture in the air tonight.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15It is such a sexy accent, I wouldn't be surprised
0:08:15 > 0:08:19if some of you ladies walked away a little bit pregnant tonight.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20It's one of those risks.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23It's also sexy enough that there's probably a couple of guys
0:08:23 > 0:08:25tonight going "Oh, my God, I've got a semi on".
0:08:25 > 0:08:29And now all the posh people are sitting there going "Semillon?
0:08:29 > 0:08:34"That's a lovely glass of wine. Mmm, I love a vintage Semillon."
0:08:36 > 0:08:40So that's the audio dealt with. Tick that box. We are moving on...
0:08:40 > 0:08:43to the visuals, or the viz-u-als, if you're a dick.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I'm quite a hairy man, I don't mind admitting that.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Any other hairy men in the room? Come on, roar like the bears you are!
0:08:52 > 0:08:53MEN GROWL
0:08:53 > 0:08:58"Grr! Not really a grizzly bear, more a teddy bear! Go on!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02"Put me in the room with your kids!" Awkward. Awkward, right.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05But at least you admit it,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07because there's too many guys out there who are hairy,
0:09:07 > 0:09:11and they don't admit it because they think the ladies don't like it,
0:09:11 > 0:09:15because for too long, society has been telling us
0:09:15 > 0:09:20that the ladies don't like body hair on a man. For too long...!
0:09:22 > 0:09:25..The movies have given us hairless men
0:09:25 > 0:09:30and told us they are beautiful. For too long...
0:09:30 > 0:09:35Magazines have said a hairy man is not your ideal man.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39But guess what, ladies? You love it.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Oh, openly you don't admit it,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43but deep down you know there's nothing better
0:09:43 > 0:09:47than rubbing your face into the downy softness of a man's back.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Oh! It's one of life's little gifts!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53You have not spooned until you've spooned
0:09:53 > 0:09:55and got your face tickled at the same time.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59But we all know that famous saying.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02"If you want great nookie, bag yourself a Wookiee."
0:10:02 > 0:10:03We all know that.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I like to play a game
0:10:08 > 0:10:10whenever I go to the supermarket with my girlfriend,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13where I try to think of something I can yell to her
0:10:13 > 0:10:17that makes everybody there think that she's crazy.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22And we were there and I was by the cart and she was 20 feet away
0:10:22 > 0:10:26and I yelled to her "You know what? I AM going to get toilet paper.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28"I don't think it's a waste."
0:10:30 > 0:10:32And then everybody looks at her
0:10:32 > 0:10:34like she's some crazy toilet paper vegan.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Often, when I'm touring, before a show
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I'll have a lot of time to kill, so I'll sit at a bar.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I don't know if you do it here,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45but in the States, whenever you order a drink,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47they give you a napkin with your drink.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50And one thing I like to do is write a little note on the napkin
0:10:50 > 0:10:52and then put it back at the bottom of the pile
0:10:52 > 0:10:55so that in a few weeks, somebody gets a message from me.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58And I found a bunch of napkins that I wrote a ton of stuff on,
0:10:58 > 0:11:02but never put back in the pile, that I wanted to share with you.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06So here we go. Here they are.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07"Cheer up, fatty!"
0:11:12 > 0:11:14"It's OK to lie to old people."
0:11:17 > 0:11:20"This napkin gives you permission to talk about politics,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22"even though you're drunk and uninformed."
0:11:25 > 0:11:29"You can lead a horse to water. Congratulations, fuckface."
0:11:32 > 0:11:35"You are an alchemist who can turn six beers
0:11:35 > 0:11:37"into an awkward three-week relationship."
0:11:39 > 0:11:40You are.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44"Don't shit where you sleep either."
0:11:46 > 0:11:50And then of course, lastly, "Have a baby. It'll save your marriage".
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Sad to get, but wonderful to leave.
0:12:03 > 0:12:10I was in an elevator, because I have the money, and it was really small.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13It was this big, really small and crowded,
0:12:13 > 0:12:14and a guy sarcastically goes,
0:12:14 > 0:12:18"There's probably bigger elevators than this in Russia!"
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Probably.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24That's not one of the pre-agreed-upon stereotypes of Russia.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28You can't just make up random information
0:12:28 > 0:12:32and say it sarcastically to replace actual information.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I'd be like "I was on a date with this French girl.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37"She was more rude than a wolfcat"...
0:12:39 > 0:12:42..an animal I made up and decided was rude.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Last summer, I was in Manchester.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51England, not New Hampshire, as you're assuming.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54And I was walking around. It was pretty late.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57It was midnight, or one, and I was trying to get back to my hotel
0:12:57 > 0:12:59and this guy came up to me and said
0:12:59 > 0:13:01"Excuse me, are you from around here?"
0:13:01 > 0:13:05And I was like, "No". And he was like "Great". That's not good.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07That is not a person who wants time or directions.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09He is excited I'm lost.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12And I slowly start walking away and he gets mad and he goes
0:13:12 > 0:13:14"Everybody thinks I want money!"
0:13:14 > 0:13:17And I was like "I don't know what you want, I'm just leaving."
0:13:18 > 0:13:21And then he gets even more mad and he goes
0:13:21 > 0:13:26"I've just got off the bus. I'm from Czechoslovakia".
0:13:26 > 0:13:30And I was like, "I have some very bad news for you, sir.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32"Your country has been dissolved.
0:13:34 > 0:13:40"I don't know when you got on the bus, but it must have been the '90s,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43"because your country no longer exists".
0:13:43 > 0:13:46The problem is, the world's a mess at the moment
0:13:46 > 0:13:48and nobody really cares about anything.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Like you, what do you care about? See, nothing.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55But we do, and we've become revolutionaries.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I'm not going to say we're like Che Guevara,
0:13:57 > 0:14:01but pretty much every T-shirt on every campus in the country
0:14:01 > 0:14:04is soon to have our faces emblazoned upon it.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Yeah, like this one - fuck, I forgot to put it on.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC
0:14:19 > 0:14:23I believe it was Malcolm X that said "By any means necessary."
0:14:23 > 0:14:27So we're going to march down to Parliament Square hand in hand,
0:14:27 > 0:14:28linked together.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33No matter how much the riot police bang their batons
0:14:33 > 0:14:37against their shields, no matter how much they push against us,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40we will not break hands and we will not break that link.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Unless there's a car coming or one of us got to go toilet.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Because revolution is about breaking down fences.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48No Chaka Demus, just Pliers,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51handing out flyers about the revolution,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54saying that we've got to stand together,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57march together, fight together and yeah, die together.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Not us, we're admin.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04But this revolution is about kicking down the doors of Primark
0:15:04 > 0:15:06saying "Hey, brothers, rumour has it
0:15:06 > 0:15:08"that you've sourced materials from sweatshops?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10"If that's true, stop it.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13"Now, pass me a basket, that's not the only reason why we came here.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15"My mum needs new knickers." This revolution is now!
0:15:15 > 0:15:20Conservative Government of the '70s and '80s, you shut the coal mines,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23and that uncompromising legacy still reverberates through these times.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25So Margaret Thatcher, we're comin' atcha,
0:15:25 > 0:15:27like Cleopatra, coming to catch ya.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Oh, but you're dead, so we'll punch Meryl Streep instead.
0:15:30 > 0:15:35# Marching, fighting Shaking our fists in the air
0:15:35 > 0:15:39# Which is a universal sign of anger. #
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Look, let's start sharing, caring, yeah?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46What's yours is mine, what's mine is yours. You, look.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51Here, have my sock. That is yours. Can I have your...wallet?
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Well, give me my sock back, then, you fascist pig.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59We will not use wealth or peerage to enter Parliament.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02We will use intelligence, and guerrilla tactics.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04"Look, security, a gorilla".
0:16:04 > 0:16:06And while the security man is looking for a gorilla,
0:16:06 > 0:16:07we'll go past and say "Hey, MPs,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10"we've got to change what our reality is doing to our kids.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13"Start putting down some proper bids. Stop wearing your bullshit bib."
0:16:13 > 0:16:14"What's a bullshit bib?"
0:16:14 > 0:16:15"You know".
0:16:15 > 0:16:19# We are holding a revolt
0:16:19 > 0:16:21# We are revolting. #
0:16:21 > 0:16:25So let's start sharing and caring, yeah?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27And let's all bow our heads
0:16:27 > 0:16:31and remember those that have died in violence with a minute of silence.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33MUSIC STOPS
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Actually, a minute's a bit long. - It is quite long.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42My teaching career began with a reception class
0:16:42 > 0:16:44in a primary school as a teaching assistant.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46They were aged four to five years old. It was loads of fun.
0:16:46 > 0:16:51They have so much energy. There is nothing funnier than a fat child...
0:16:51 > 0:16:53So I began in primary school.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58And yes, I did have a favourite. His name was Peter.
0:16:58 > 0:17:04His best line of written work read "An egg is cold...
0:17:04 > 0:17:07"..like the sun."
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Possibly the worst analogy I've ever encountered.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20I put it on a wall display.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24But there was another occasion when the class were all changing for PE.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Always a nightmare.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28The number of five-year-olds who cannot pull down their shorts
0:17:28 > 0:17:31without their pants needs to be addressed by parents.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37And the girl next to Peter had accidentally done this
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and pulled everything down, and Peter's reaction was very sweet.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43He simply went...(GASPS)
0:17:43 > 0:17:44"No!"
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Lovely child. When I came to leave the school,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Peter was a bit upset that I was leaving,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00and I got a bit upset that he was upset.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Until, that is, ladies and gents, he gave me this as a leaving present.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Now...
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Never mind the fact that Mark is spelt not only with a C,
0:18:26 > 0:18:28but with a U...
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Never mind the strange picture of a pink bunny
0:18:32 > 0:18:35about to commit suicide off the top of this house.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40We can even ignore the disproportionate size
0:18:40 > 0:18:42of the tree trunk.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50The picture is of a girl!
0:18:53 > 0:18:55So I'm just delighted to be here, really.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59I feel a bit like Niall Horan in One Direction, you know what I mean?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00For those of you who don't know,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03One Direction is like a group of singing children
0:19:03 > 0:19:07made up entirely of fringes and inappropriate thoughts.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10And Niall is like the Irish one, and he's just so happy to be there,
0:19:10 > 0:19:14because the group is made up of four angels, and Niall.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18And Niall is just a normal lad.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21He is all of us, and he's just delighted to be there.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23You always see the camera panning out across them all.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24And it's like
0:19:24 > 0:19:27# You're insecure Don't know what for
0:19:27 > 0:19:30# You're turning heads as you walk through the do-o-or!... #
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Yeah, and there's Niall at the end,
0:19:34 > 0:19:39not doing the same things as anyone else, just clicking away, winking.
0:19:39 > 0:19:44Winking's like Irish heroin. You know what I mean?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Everyone says, "Aisling, you shouldn't be so hard on Niall,"
0:19:47 > 0:19:50because he's the one in the group, but you know
0:19:50 > 0:19:54that he is hoovering up the punani that the pretty ones don't want.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Just delighted to be here!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Everyone says, "Aisling,
0:19:57 > 0:20:01"you shouldn't really be into One Direction, it's so uncool."
0:20:01 > 0:20:04But lads, One Direction say thank you to their mothers,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07they don't hit women, and one fifth of them
0:20:07 > 0:20:11is currently the only thing supporting the Irish economy.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13The reason Nick Clegg mainly frustrates me
0:20:13 > 0:20:15is because of the way he speaks. That gets to the heart of the problem.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Sometimes, politics needs flashes of colour.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19It's not always about what you're saying,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22it's the way you say it. And to demonstrate this point,
0:20:22 > 0:20:23I would like to read aloud
0:20:23 > 0:20:28from the seminal political text, The House At Pooh Corner by AA Milne.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Now, there are two oratorical styles
0:20:36 > 0:20:39that I believe are the best styles for delivering politics.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43One is the Tony Blair, who is a phenomenal orator. Stuff like this.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47(RISING INTONATION) So he does the big stuff, like this!
0:20:47 > 0:20:50(LOWERS VOICE) And then makes it personal.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Oh! Ugh!
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Hits you, doesn't it? Really gets you.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00And the other is the generic northern union rep.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04I'll come on to him in a minute. I'll do it firstly as Nick Clegg.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07So I'll read out this passage, and you'll see that these words
0:21:07 > 0:21:09literally fail to leap off the page.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14"As it happened, it was Rabbit who saw Piglet first.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15"Piglet had got up in the morning
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"to pick himself a bunch of... violets.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20"And when he picked them
0:21:20 > 0:21:24"and put them in a pot in the middle of his house,
0:21:24 > 0:21:25"it suddenly came over him
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"that nobody had ever picked Eeyore a bunch of...violets.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32"The more he thought about this, the more he thought how sad it was
0:21:32 > 0:21:35"to be an animal who had never had a bunch of violets picked for him."
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Boring, stiff, Clegg.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Now, just you feel this...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43in the voice of the master, Tony Blair.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50(AS TONY BLAIR) "But as it happened,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52"it was Rabbit who saw Piglet first.
0:21:52 > 0:21:58"Piglet got up early that morning to pick himself a bunch of violets.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02"And when he'd picked them,
0:22:02 > 0:22:07"put them in a pot in the middle of the table, it suddenly came over him.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11"No-one had ever picked Eeyore a bunch of violets.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15"And the more he thought about this, the more he thought how sad it was
0:22:15 > 0:22:19"to be an animal who'd never had a bunch of violets picked for him."
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Ooh! Tony, Tony!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Forget the war in Iraq, just get him to read children's stories.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Come back, Tony!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Now, the generic northern union rep,
0:22:33 > 0:22:38all you need to know about this is, they do not pause for breath.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39And whatever it is they're talking about,
0:22:39 > 0:22:42there is a deep injustice at the heart of it.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48QUICKLY AND AGGRESSIVELY: "It was Rabbit who saw Piglet first.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51"And when he put them in a pot in his house it suddenly came to him
0:22:51 > 0:22:55"that no-one had picked Eeyore a bunch of violets and the more he thought about it
0:22:55 > 0:22:57"the more he thought how sad it was to be an animal
0:22:57 > 0:23:02"who'd never had a bunch of violets picked for him!" Conference!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I used to work with this guy called Colin.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11We were like a couple of dummies together,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14and I really liked him, because he made me feel good about myself.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18And one day, I was printing off pictures of dogs' heads...
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Because my friend's scared of dogs, and I like a prank!
0:23:25 > 0:23:29And I was trying to get them on a big sheet of paper, like,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31bigger than A4. A3.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Because a big dog's head, let's face it, is funny.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38But they kept coming out in A4.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41So in between everyone else's work, it was like work, work, work,
0:23:41 > 0:23:42and a dog's head.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46This happened for quite some time.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49And Colin, bless him, he was behind the printer,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52and he was like, he was flabbergasted.
0:23:53 > 0:23:59He said "Lou, there's something wrong with the printer.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02"It keeps printing out dogs' heads!"
0:24:02 > 0:24:06I was like, "I'll just check the manual on that one, Colin".
0:24:06 > 0:24:09And then he said, I swear, he said:
0:24:09 > 0:24:13"I did see a little dog round here!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"You don't think he got in, do you?"
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I love a good bus journey.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25The key to a good bus journey is having no-one sit beside you.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27So what do we all do?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30We put our bag down, as if people are going to walk by and be like
0:24:30 > 0:24:33"Oh, I can't sit there, that person looks a lot like a bag",
0:24:33 > 0:24:34and then keep walking.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37No, they'll be like "Move your bag, you're no better than me,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39"we're both on the bus, man."
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Like, if you don't want anyone to sit beside you on a bus,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I will tell you all exactly what you have to do.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Just act really excited for them to sit beside you.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Just make solid eye contact and say
0:24:53 > 0:24:57"This is the seat for you. You can sleep here.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58"It'll be the last time."
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Like, I try not to be creepy, I'm just not very good at it.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I was sitting on a bus and I was staring at this girl
0:25:07 > 0:25:11and, like, fantasising, and then I noticed this other dude
0:25:11 > 0:25:14staring at the same woman and fantasising, which is weird,
0:25:14 > 0:25:18because now I feel like I'm in a psychic gang bang.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Like me and this homeless dude
0:25:21 > 0:25:23are spit-roasting a chick on a bus in our minds.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27And then the guy looks at me and goes "Yeeeah!"
0:25:29 > 0:25:34And I didn't know what to do, so I was just like "Yeeeah!"
0:25:34 > 0:25:37What did I just agree to? What does that even mean?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I saw a lady drop a baby. Accidentally.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46She wasn't like "I don't want this baby any more".
0:25:46 > 0:25:48It was an accident, but she dropped a baby,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51and a baby's the worst thing to drop in the world,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53because if you drop a cellphone,
0:25:53 > 0:25:57you can do that trick where you put your foot out to catch the phone.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01But you cannot do that with a baby,
0:26:01 > 0:26:03or it really just looks like you're drop-kicking a baby.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08And nobody is for that, we found out that day.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12I don't even like staying in, to be honest with you,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14because when you stay in, you have to watch television,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17and I don't like much of the television I'm watching -
0:26:17 > 0:26:20well, that my wife chooses, certainly. Like, she loves X Factor.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I don't know if there are any X Factor fans in?
0:26:22 > 0:26:23SILENCE
0:26:23 > 0:26:25OK.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26LAUGHTER
0:26:27 > 0:26:31My problem with X Factor, right, is that they take people
0:26:31 > 0:26:35that are desperate to be famous, desperate to get on television.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Some of them are mentally unstable.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41And they take these people and they make them judges.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:51 > 0:26:53And we've got to watch this?
0:26:53 > 0:26:58And the thing is, they distil every contestant into their sob story.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59That's how much they're worth.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02So I'm watching the last series and they go to the judges' houses,
0:27:02 > 0:27:04and a guy comes out, one of the contestants,
0:27:04 > 0:27:10and he goes "I mean, you know, my brother's not very well.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14(TEARFULLY) "He said that his one wish... you know...
0:27:14 > 0:27:17"Would be to see me...
0:27:17 > 0:27:21"In that studio. And it's just..."
0:27:21 > 0:27:23(NORMAL VOICE) And I think that's incredible,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26because I think if I was in that guy's position,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28my one wish might be to get better.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Here we have somebody that's willing to throw that away
0:27:33 > 0:27:35so that his brother can do an Adele cover.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I mean, my wife has told me
0:27:39 > 0:27:43that she doesn't want me interacting too much with the children, right,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45because she says that they're sponges
0:27:45 > 0:27:46and I've got certain views,
0:27:46 > 0:27:49and she doesn't want me passing them on to the kids.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51For example, I've got an issue with charity.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Not a massive issue - I think donating to charity's a great thing.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58My problem is that it's become a bit of a consumer experience.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Right, like, there'll be a big cause or a situation or an issue.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04I'll do something very small for that cause,
0:28:04 > 0:28:07and I'll cease to feel bad about it. Like, I'll actually feel a bit good.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11If somebody's got a collection box, I'll walk up to the collection box
0:28:11 > 0:28:13and put some money in it and then I'll go
0:28:13 > 0:28:17"Don't worry about the sticker, mate", like I'm a fucking hero.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21Like that guy is watching me walk away going "You know what?
0:28:21 > 0:28:25"He just put 50p in this box to stop the onset of disease.
0:28:25 > 0:28:30"He didn't even want a sticker! I think I've just met Jesus!
0:28:31 > 0:28:34I find the concept of child sponsorship depressing.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36I find it depressing that in order for us
0:28:36 > 0:28:38to donate money from our comfortable lives,
0:28:38 > 0:28:41we have to have these issues attached to a person,
0:28:41 > 0:28:44and this person has to write us letters saying "Thank you so much."
0:28:44 > 0:28:46That's not what these letters should say.
0:28:46 > 0:28:47These letters should say "I'm so glad
0:28:47 > 0:28:50"you decided to halve your chocolate consumption for a month
0:28:50 > 0:28:53"so that I can have clean water, you fat prick."
0:28:53 > 0:28:55That's what they should say, isn't it?
0:28:55 > 0:28:57I don't understand our attitude towards beggars.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00I gave some money to a beggar recently at a train station,
0:29:00 > 0:29:03and a guy working at the train station came up to me and said
0:29:03 > 0:29:06"You can't give money to beggars, mate". I said "Why not?"
0:29:06 > 0:29:08He said "It encourages begging."
0:29:10 > 0:29:12I mean, that's simple supply and demand, my friend,
0:29:12 > 0:29:14I don't know what the problem is.
0:29:14 > 0:29:15I said "Why is that such an issue?"
0:29:15 > 0:29:17He said "He's only going to spend that money on drugs.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19I mean, that makes a massive assumption -
0:29:19 > 0:29:22that I was going to spend that money on something better.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27I didn't have a very sophisticated adolescence.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29I feel like inherently, I'm a bit laddy.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Like, my friends and I would go to strip clubs,
0:29:31 > 0:29:34gentlemen's clubs, as they were euphemistically called.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Never saw many gentlemen there. Saw a loss of horrible-men.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40A few disgusting-men.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42Some sad and disenfranchised-men,
0:29:42 > 0:29:44but never many Edwardian gentlemen
0:29:44 > 0:29:47raising their monocles and top hats in appreciation
0:29:47 > 0:29:50as the emaciated coke addict slid down the waxen pole,
0:29:50 > 0:29:53reaching the ground, legs akimbo, interior walls visible.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55If those walls could talk,
0:29:55 > 0:29:59they would say "Gentlemen, you have lost your way."
0:29:59 > 0:30:02I'm going to read you this article now,
0:30:02 > 0:30:06which exemplifies what I mean about injecting fun into life.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08I'm playing the dating game at the moment.
0:30:08 > 0:30:09I don't know about you guys,
0:30:09 > 0:30:12but I thought games were supposed to be fun.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15Sometimes I think I'd rather be playing Jumanji.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19I'm joking, of course, that would be horrid.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21But dating's no picnic either,
0:30:21 > 0:30:24so I want to read this article about alternative dating ideas
0:30:24 > 0:30:27from a popular London lifestyle listings magazine.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29Alternative dating ideas for Londoners.
0:30:29 > 0:30:30It's pretty London-centric,
0:30:30 > 0:30:33but you'll probably get some of this stuff out in the provinces
0:30:33 > 0:30:35in a couple of years as well.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41OK, I'm just going to read it. Could you play the romantic music, please?
0:30:41 > 0:30:42SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS
0:30:42 > 0:30:45"Looking for innovative dating ideas this weekend?
0:30:45 > 0:30:48"Well, you should be, you fucking little rat.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53"Everybody your age group and socio-economic bracket is dating,
0:30:53 > 0:30:55"so you should be, too, you waste of sperm.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01"Here are our top ten alternative dating ideas for Londoners.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04"Number one, a salsa class.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07"Learn how to make salsa at one of London's many salsa schools.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11"Number two, comedy on a bus.
0:31:11 > 0:31:16"Laughter can be a perfect icebreaker on a first date, but on a bus?
0:31:16 > 0:31:20"This is comedy like you've never experienced it before.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22"Three, pebble washing in the Thames.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26"The Thames Museum runs free workshops where every Sunday,
0:31:26 > 0:31:28"budding pebble washers,
0:31:28 > 0:31:30"or Jefferies, as they used to be called for no reason,
0:31:30 > 0:31:32"can take to the horrible river bank
0:31:32 > 0:31:36"and wash the pebbles in baby oil, which is like sunflower oil,
0:31:36 > 0:31:38"but extracted from babies.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42"When the 16 hour session is finished,
0:31:42 > 0:31:45"why not relax by a burning pile of bin bags
0:31:45 > 0:31:48"with a steaming bowl of live mice?
0:31:49 > 0:31:52"Number four, a tour of the Tube. We take the Tube for granted.
0:31:52 > 0:31:56"We ride it to and from work each day, and when we get home, we cry.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59"But the Tube is full of amazing hidden secrets.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02"Did you know some of the stations are very old?
0:32:06 > 0:32:08"Ride around on the Tube together,
0:32:08 > 0:32:11"and bring a wry smile to your date's face
0:32:11 > 0:32:13"by showing them the Nemi cartoon in that day's Metro.
0:32:13 > 0:32:17"Number five. Jazz on a roof.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20"Tapping along to the crazy rhythms of jazz
0:32:20 > 0:32:24"can be the perfect icebreaker on a first date, but on a roof?
0:32:24 > 0:32:27"This is jazz like you've never experienced it before.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30"Six, a ceilidh. For a taste of the Celtic,
0:32:30 > 0:32:33"why not pay a Scottish or Irish woman called Kayleigh
0:32:33 > 0:32:35"to let you have a bite of her body?
0:32:37 > 0:32:40"Seven, cocktails in a tree.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43"Zesty fruit and frontal lobe-numbing alcohol
0:32:43 > 0:32:47"can be the perfect icebreaker on a first date, but in a tree?
0:32:47 > 0:32:51"This is a cocktail experience like you've never had before,
0:32:51 > 0:32:54"nor ever will want to have again. Eight, visit the National Gallery.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58"Nine, karaoke in a bin, blah, blah, blah. Ten, a sewer walk.
0:32:58 > 0:33:03"Without permission or supervision, climb into London's sewer system.
0:33:03 > 0:33:07"And take a look around. But be warned, you will die."
0:33:09 > 0:33:14A great way to, like, teach children about death is with pets.
0:33:14 > 0:33:18Psychologically, it's a great way to teach children about death.
0:33:18 > 0:33:22So, you know, you buy your child a hamster, and after five years,
0:33:22 > 0:33:24when it's attached to it, you break its neck,
0:33:24 > 0:33:27and then you go "Right, now I'm going to teach you
0:33:27 > 0:33:29"about what's going to happen to Granny very soon,"
0:33:29 > 0:33:30you know what I mean?
0:33:30 > 0:33:34And then you die, and the circle continues.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38But when I was growing up, we had this pet rabbit called Bubbles,
0:33:38 > 0:33:41and, like, Bubbles, I thought, had a great life,
0:33:41 > 0:33:45just running around, pooing in our shoes.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48I was like, "There's a guy who knows how to party."
0:33:48 > 0:33:51But you never know what's going on inside someone's head, lads,
0:33:51 > 0:33:54and one night Bubbles got out of his hutch,
0:33:54 > 0:33:58and he bit away at the wire in his hutch like this,
0:33:58 > 0:34:00until it sort of came out in a long spear.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03And then he turned himself around
0:34:03 > 0:34:05and he reversed his arsehole onto that spear,
0:34:05 > 0:34:10and it punctured every single organ on the way up.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13They say he died of a broken heart in the end.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15So the next morning,
0:34:15 > 0:34:20my mother had to sort of, you know... him off the wire,
0:34:20 > 0:34:23and it was up to my neighbour, Jim Murphy, to bury Bubbles the rabbit.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27So Jim dug a grave for Bubbles as he remembered him,
0:34:27 > 0:34:29which was a small little rabbit like this.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32But when rabbits die, they don't die as they were,
0:34:32 > 0:34:34they die with their arms longer than their ears
0:34:34 > 0:34:36and their legs longer than their short lives.
0:34:36 > 0:34:37So my first memory of death
0:34:37 > 0:34:39was basically standing in front of this grave
0:34:39 > 0:34:41with Jim Murphy in front of me going
0:34:41 > 0:34:44"In the name of the Father and of the son and of the Holy Spirit, amen.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47"Dear Jesus, we give you Bubbles the rabbit to bury,
0:34:47 > 0:34:49"to go to heaven with all the other angel rabbits."
0:34:49 > 0:34:53And I couldn't believe it, there was Jim Murphy in front of me,
0:34:53 > 0:34:55kind of shoving Bubbles into the grave
0:34:55 > 0:34:58at the end of his welly boot like this.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01And still to this day, lads, whenever I have bad sex,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04I can't help but be reminded of Jim Murphy
0:35:04 > 0:35:08shoving that flaccid rabbit into a hole that was made for a live one.
0:35:08 > 0:35:09You know?
0:35:10 > 0:35:13I don't drink. I quit thinking three years ago.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16Whenever people find out that you don't drink,
0:35:16 > 0:35:20they always ask the same question. They always ask why.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23Why do people ask why? It's never going to be a happy story.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25"Why do I not drink any more?
0:35:25 > 0:35:29"Well, I just found that I was too successful."
0:35:29 > 0:35:31That conversation's never happened.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Stag dos are difficult when you don't drink,
0:35:33 > 0:35:36because invariably, you end up at a lap-dancing club
0:35:36 > 0:35:39and the woman comes over and she's like, "Ask me anything",
0:35:39 > 0:35:42and I'm like, "Aren't you cold?"
0:35:45 > 0:35:47Just not in the right headspace.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49Weddings are even worse when you don't drink,
0:35:49 > 0:35:52because the bride thinks she's doing you a favour
0:35:52 > 0:35:54by putting you on the non-drinking table,
0:35:54 > 0:35:56but this is basically just pregnant women.
0:35:57 > 0:36:02Sorry if there's any pregnant women in tonight, but you are dull.
0:36:02 > 0:36:03Pregnant women walk around
0:36:03 > 0:36:06like they've got the future hopes of a generation in there,
0:36:06 > 0:36:09like it's John Connor or something.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12That reference isn't going to work for all of you.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14And you try to make conversation.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17You're like, "Do you know if it's going to be a boy or a girl?"
0:36:17 > 0:36:18And they're always like,
0:36:18 > 0:36:20"Ooh, we don't want to know". And I'm like, "Me neither.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23"Couldn't give a toss what's up there".
0:36:25 > 0:36:29There was a report out recently which said that the happiest people
0:36:29 > 0:36:32are those who average two glasses of wine,
0:36:32 > 0:36:37a bottle of beer or a shot of spirits a week.
0:36:37 > 0:36:41Who were they surveying, the under-fives?
0:36:42 > 0:36:46And who's this guy who's averaging a shot of spirits a week?
0:36:46 > 0:36:48Like every Friday, he's like, "Hi, guys!
0:36:50 > 0:36:54"God, what am I like? See you Monday".
0:36:56 > 0:37:00My kids live down in Hampshire with their mum,
0:37:00 > 0:37:02and they come up and stay with me a lot in London.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04The last time they came to London,
0:37:04 > 0:37:08they were like "Daddy, we really want to go on a London bus."
0:37:08 > 0:37:11They may have said the London Eye.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16I took them on a London bus.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19You still get to see London, but from a bus.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22They, like all kids, wanted to sit on the back row, but the problem was,
0:37:22 > 0:37:25sat in the middle of the back row was this really angry looking hoodie.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27Now, we all know the rules of the bus.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29You don't sit anywhere near this character.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31But they don't know the rules of the bus,
0:37:31 > 0:37:32because they're only kids,
0:37:32 > 0:37:35and they plonk themselves down one either side of him.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40They're oblivious to the danger that they're in,
0:37:40 > 0:37:42and they just start playing their game of
0:37:42 > 0:37:45"I spy with my little eye something beginning with K".
0:37:45 > 0:37:48Now, this puts our hoodie in a bit of a quandary,
0:37:48 > 0:37:50because if he moves,
0:37:50 > 0:37:53he looks like he's just been bounced off the back row
0:37:53 > 0:37:56by a couple of kids from Hampshire.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59But if he stays there, they look like they're his crew.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04I've positioned myself a couple of rows up. I'm not stupid.
0:38:04 > 0:38:08If this kicks off, I want to be able to make a quick getaway.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11But the hoodie realises he looks ridiculous, so to save face,
0:38:11 > 0:38:14he decides to join in the game.
0:38:14 > 0:38:18He's like, "Tell me this, little man, yeah? That K you were spying.
0:38:18 > 0:38:19"Is it cones?"
0:38:23 > 0:38:25The reason this was a potentially incendiary situation
0:38:25 > 0:38:28is that anyone here who's got a little nine-year old girl
0:38:28 > 0:38:31will know that the distinguishing factor of little nine-year-old girls
0:38:31 > 0:38:35is that they don't let anything go. So she's like "Daddy? Daddy?"
0:38:35 > 0:38:37I'm pretending I don't know her.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41She's like "Daddy, cones isn't spelt with a K".
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Don't anger the man!
0:38:45 > 0:38:47"It is in London, darling."
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Then she looks at the hoodie dead in the eyes and goes
0:38:51 > 0:38:53"But knife is".
0:38:56 > 0:39:00Like she's mocking him! At which point the hoodie gets off the bus.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04It's his stop, but the rest of the bus don't know this.
0:39:04 > 0:39:09To them, it looks like he's just been psyched out by a nine-year-old girl.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12It didn't help that she followed him down going
0:39:12 > 0:39:14"Yeah, keep walking, bitch".
0:39:16 > 0:39:19You've been really nice. I'm going to come to the end of my set now.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22But you've been lovely. This is to you.
0:39:23 > 0:39:28# Fishing for compliments Hey, that's a nice jumper
0:39:28 > 0:39:32# Fishing for compliments That's a nice sentiment
0:39:32 > 0:39:35# La la la la La la la, la la la
0:39:35 > 0:39:40# Fishing for compliments Hey, that's a nice jumper
0:39:40 > 0:39:43# Fishing for compliments That's a nice sentiment
0:39:43 > 0:39:47# La la la la, la la la... # OK!
0:39:47 > 0:39:50- What's your name?- Jordan.- Jordan!
0:39:53 > 0:39:56Jordan, he must be very excited about his compliment.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00OK, Jordan.
0:40:01 > 0:40:07"If your face was on currency, I would have a very sticky purse."
0:40:11 > 0:40:15The thing is, I want my daughters both to have New Zealand passports,
0:40:15 > 0:40:18so when they turn 15, they have to bungee jump,
0:40:18 > 0:40:20because that's what I did.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23When I was 15, I did a bungee jump off a bridge over a river,
0:40:23 > 0:40:27and they measured the bungee out so that my head got dunked in the river.
0:40:27 > 0:40:31It was pretty scary. But I came up with a wild salmon in my mouth, so...
0:40:31 > 0:40:32Good times.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34And then I moved over here
0:40:34 > 0:40:36and found out you guys were doing bungee jumps
0:40:36 > 0:40:39off cranes over car parks!
0:40:41 > 0:40:43What the hell is wrong with you people!
0:40:43 > 0:40:46And did you hear about the guy that measured the bungee up wrong,
0:40:46 > 0:40:48so his face went straight into the car park!
0:40:48 > 0:40:51But he came up with Richard III in his mouth, so...
0:40:51 > 0:40:54Good times. Good times.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57Historical AND topical.
0:40:57 > 0:41:02Ooh, you're probably wanting us to end on a song about jogging. Good.
0:41:06 > 0:41:10# Where have you been, son?
0:41:10 > 0:41:15# Why are you looking so tired and worn and weary? #
0:41:15 > 0:41:17I've been for a run, Ma.
0:41:20 > 0:41:24# Where have you been, son?
0:41:24 > 0:41:27# Why has Mr Windy been sweeping through your hair? #
0:41:29 > 0:41:32I've been for a run, Ma.
0:41:34 > 0:41:38# Where have you been, son?
0:41:38 > 0:41:44# Why are your snowdropped eyelids so heavy? #
0:41:45 > 0:41:47Are you fucking deaf?
0:41:49 > 0:41:52I said I went for a run, you fat cow.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54- We've been Ginger and Black. - Thank you very much.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59Hope you enjoyed that. Thanks very much for watching.
0:41:59 > 0:42:01Good night, my friends. Good night!
0:42:22 > 0:42:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd