0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Hello.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32And welcome to Good News.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34So, what's been happening?
0:00:34 > 0:00:38The BBC interviewed the worst Boris Johnson lookalike ever.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39I've always had concerns about...
0:00:39 > 0:00:41LAUGHTER
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Did you see the moment a bloke turned into a horse on the news?
0:00:45 > 0:00:46You can't sit on your balcony...
0:00:46 > 0:00:49SNORT
0:00:49 > 0:00:52My award for awkward handshake of the week goes to these guys.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Thank you very much indeed. Bear with us for a second.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Here's a question.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Did anyone else see Gollum having a shit on the news?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Mind you, if you think that's shocking, what the hell is going on
0:01:08 > 0:01:10underneath this blanket?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13..where it's a fair bit colder, especially since they turned
0:01:13 > 0:01:16their central heating off 12 months ago...
0:01:18 > 0:01:21APPLAUSE
0:01:22 > 0:01:26So, what's been going on? Well, the big economic news was this.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30The UK economy has avoided a triple dip recession after it grew
0:01:30 > 0:01:33by 0.3% in the first three months of the year.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Yay! 0.3%!
0:01:38 > 0:01:42# We're in the money! Come on, honey! #
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I bet everyone was excited, right?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47The analogy that I would draw, it's a bit like finding out
0:01:47 > 0:01:49at a fair that your child's won a lollipop.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52It's good news, but it won't change your life.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Cheers, Dr Doom!
0:01:56 > 0:01:57"Dad, I've won a lollipop."
0:01:57 > 0:01:59"Yeah, well, you're adopted."
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Did you watch the BBC coverage? They treat us like idiots.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Look at the location they chose to illustrate economic growth.
0:02:09 > 0:02:14After an awful winter, signs of growth. And not just in the garden.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18A garden centre! Look, everyone!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21The economy is growing, just like trees grow.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Christ, what would they show if we were still in recession?
0:02:26 > 0:02:30The UK economy is flatlining, just like this guy.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Argh!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Back to you in the studio.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37One of the most fascinating parts of the story -
0:02:37 > 0:02:41did you see one of the reasons why we're out of recession?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43According to latest research...
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Well, I am about to put productivity in Britain through the roof.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Shall we call that 0.4%?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I'm making changes!
0:03:09 > 0:03:13How does that make you want to work hard?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16All that makes me want to do is find a cat and put him on a toilet.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19If you're going to Google that, here's a tip.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Don't write slippery pussy.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27It's, er... It's a very different...
0:03:27 > 0:03:29APPLAUSE
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Staying in the world of finance,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36over in Ireland, a great story about winning the lottery.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40The country's newest Lotto millionaire has said he'll be back
0:03:40 > 0:03:44at work on Monday, despite winning 1.2 million euro over the weekend.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Luckily, he did an interview
0:03:46 > 0:03:49so we all know what it feels like to win the lottery.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52BABBLING: I was with Anne-Marie in the car and we were chatting
0:03:52 > 0:03:54and I look up at the Lotto sign...
0:03:54 > 0:03:57"God, I haven't done the Lotto in a long time..."
0:04:02 > 0:04:04No idea.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07SPEAKING FAST: She looked at me and looked up at the clock
0:04:07 > 0:04:09and said, "Get back in here quick, in the bed..."
0:04:09 > 0:04:11INCOHERENT BABBLING
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Uh-huh.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Then we looked at the ticket and of course Anne-Marie thought it was...
0:04:18 > 0:04:21INCOHERENT BABBLING
0:04:21 > 0:04:24..she had her examination there and we read the numbers and looked
0:04:24 > 0:04:27and she says, "What, dear? What's wrong?" And I said,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30"I'm going to tell you something..."
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Well, that's that cleared up.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Did you hear about this?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42A local council candidate for UKIP is facing criticism after
0:04:42 > 0:04:46allegedly posting a series of anti-gay comments on Facebook.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48John Sullivan is accused of writing
0:04:48 > 0:04:52that regular physical exercise in schools can prevent homosexuality.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Exercise stops you being gay?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59How does that work? "I love cock so much."
0:05:05 > 0:05:06"Mmm, tits!"
0:05:08 > 0:05:10APPLAUSE
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Exercise stops you from being gay. That is bullshit.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Shall I tell you why, my friends? Two words.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Louie Spence.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29He is amazingly fit and I don't know if you've noticed this about him...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32LAUGHTER
0:05:32 > 0:05:35..but when it comes to vagina, he ain't a diner.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46He don't lunge...
0:05:46 > 0:05:47for the clunge.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50You're having a howler
0:05:50 > 0:05:52if you think he likes growler.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55It's bollocks, isn't it?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Some exercise can put you off sex altogether.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05AUDIENCE GROAN
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Not that it's all bad news.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Over in America, there's been a special birthday.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12YouTube, the video sharing website, is eight years old today.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16From modest beginnings as the brainchild of three men having dinner
0:06:16 > 0:06:19in a flat in California, it's grown into a worldwide phenomenon.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24God bless YouTube! It's given us so much. Pandas sneezing,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26grannies dancing
0:06:26 > 0:06:30and tender family moments like a baby's first steps.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33WOMAN LAUGHS
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Yay!
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Oh, no!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45AUDIENCE LAUGH AND GROAN
0:06:45 > 0:06:47No...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49AUDIENCE GROAN AND APPLAUD
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Thanks, YouTube.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Over at Sky News,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00they highlighted the most terrifying threat affecting mankind.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03All the snow and ice of recent months may have melted away,
0:07:03 > 0:07:07but its effects could mean a tough summer ahead for hay fever sufferers.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10NOOOOOO!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Some of us are going to get hay fever!
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Did you see some of the horrific side-effects of this
0:07:16 > 0:07:18heartbreaking disease?
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I get streamy eyes, a runny nose and a sore throat as well.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26I have to take some drugs for it. It's quite debilitating.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27It can last a day or so.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30A DAY!
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Holy shit, a day with a runny nose!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36IS THERE NO GOD?!
0:07:40 > 0:07:43People are dying in Syria, fuck that, that guy's got the snuffles!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48It's such a pathetic disease, isn't it?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Bloodshot eyes, tears streaming down your face.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51"Who did this to you?"
0:07:51 > 0:07:53"Flowers.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57"They were too powerful."
0:07:57 > 0:07:58It gets better.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Did you see the graphic that Sky used to explain hay fever?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Take a look. It's like they're treating us like kids.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07One in five people in the UK suffer from hay fever.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10It's caused by an allergic reaction to pollen.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12The sneezing man says, "Achoo!"
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Now we all understand.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Christ, what do they do for bowel problems?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Or STDs.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Next up, and who would have thunk it,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35but plastic surgery is bad for you.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38A major review into the UK's cosmetics industry has warned
0:08:38 > 0:08:43that injections used to plump up the skin are a crisis waiting to happen.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Fillers are treated too casually and could go horribly wrong.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48You're telling me.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51You went for the cheap option and it backfired horribly.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Buy cheap, buy twice, my mum always said.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55It looks really painful.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58It was agonising, to be honest. I'm not going to downplay it.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Holy shit.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Looks like a gibbon's arsehole.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07She looks as if she's been on a date with Chris Brown.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10GROANING
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Let's not forget...
0:09:16 > 0:09:19He is, of course, an arsehole.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22"Woman, that's not how you pronounce umbrella!" Now...
0:09:23 > 0:09:26What I don't understand - why do women want big lips?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I've never heard a bloke go, "What do I like in a woman?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"I like it when they look like they're kissing a window."
0:09:35 > 0:09:38It's madness. I've never caught a trout and gone,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41"Fucking hell, he's all right.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45"Let's hope fish do have a five-second memory." Thwop! Now...
0:09:45 > 0:09:47GROANING
0:09:47 > 0:09:52Women are beautiful things. You don't need to change your body.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55It's like women who have their anuses bleached. Yeah.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56What, are there men going,
0:09:56 > 0:10:00"She's pretty, clever and funny but her arsehole's mauve"?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04You know me, guys - I like mahogany sapphire.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Trust me, ladies.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09If you let a guy bum you, he's not bothered about the colour.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12He's not going down there with a Dulux colour chart.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19"I'm terribly sorry, Cynthia, it's the wrong shade.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"Let's call the whole thing off."
0:10:23 > 0:10:27I'm not against all plastic surgery. Did you hear about this?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Now, THAT would be amazing!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Here you go, sir. Three pints.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Cheers, mate.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42HE STRAINS
0:10:44 > 0:10:46APPLAUSE
0:10:56 > 0:10:57In world news,
0:10:57 > 0:11:01the French president got a lovely gift from the people of Mali.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03An official in Mali presented
0:11:03 > 0:11:06the President of France, Francois Hollande, with a camel
0:11:06 > 0:11:10in gratitude for France's fight against Islamic militants in Mali.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Unfortunately, he couldn't take the camel back
0:11:12 > 0:11:15so he left it in Mali for safekeeping.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18SCATTERED LAUGHTER
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I wonder how the camel got on.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22He left the animal with a family in Mali who said
0:11:22 > 0:11:24they'd watch it, but shortly after Hollande left Mali
0:11:24 > 0:11:28the family slaughtered the camel and used it to make a stew.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32They ate his camel! "Yeah, yeah, bye!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"Yeah, we'll look after your camel, yeah!"
0:11:34 > 0:11:38# I feel like camel tonight! Like camel tonight! #
0:11:39 > 0:11:42They ate his camel.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Do you reckon he called back?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"Are you all right? What?
0:11:46 > 0:11:50"How's your camel doing? Oh, yeah, he's great, yeah...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52"Yeah, I'll just put him on the phone.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59"Nnnnnyaaaah!"
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"I'm having a great time!"
0:12:06 > 0:12:08"Nobody's eaten me, I'm not dead!"
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Still, the people of Mali need all the help they can get.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Have you heard about their army?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17If you think budget cuts in this country are tough, have a look
0:12:17 > 0:12:19what their troops have to put up with.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Due to a lack of ammunition,
0:12:20 > 0:12:24the Mali soldiers have to use their imagination instead.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27"Boom! Boom, boom, boom!"
0:12:30 > 0:12:33They can't afford bullets so they have to pretend.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37"Bang, bang! Bang! This isn't working, call in the air force."
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Just one bloke, "Nyyeeeaaaah!"
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Gosh, what do their tanks look like, this?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I'd love to see the arguments when they're training.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53"Bang, bang, you're dead, 50 bullets in your head."
0:12:53 > 0:12:55"I'm not dead - my leg was off the floor
0:12:55 > 0:12:58"and I'm wearing an invisible cloak that repels bullets.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00"So jog on, Ibrahim."
0:13:01 > 0:13:06Also, what if you can't do the noise? Imagine that. "Eh, eh, eh.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09"Eh, eh, eh." Just a load of sheep, "Someone say my name?"
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Still, it could be worse.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Look what their search and rescue team have to put up with.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18"Arrrggghhh!"
0:13:18 > 0:13:21GROANING
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Mind you, if you think the Mali Army are having a hard time,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27check out what's happening to the Germans.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I'm not making this up. Look at this.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Soldiers with tits.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52That would really freak out the enemy, wouldn't it?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55"OK, men, ready, aim... Fuck me!"
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Imagine that on the battlefield.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02"Stand still or I swear to God I'll motorboat you."
0:14:04 > 0:14:07"How did he look when he died?" "Really happy."
0:14:07 > 0:14:11One thing you can guarantee, if this happens to our soldiers
0:14:11 > 0:14:13it's really going to affect training drills.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Gentlemen, not all of you will survive
0:14:18 > 0:14:20but those that do will have...
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Do you want to fucking pay attention?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Oh, fellas, come on.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28They're just a massive pair of tits.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35Guys, they're just huge whammers, what's wrong with you people?
0:14:35 > 0:14:36THAT...
0:14:36 > 0:14:40That is the best sketch we've ever done. I... I had those...
0:14:40 > 0:14:43APPLAUSE
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I had those boobs for a week, they were amazing.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Back in Blighty, scandal has hit the world of horse racing.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00British horseracing has been hit by its biggest ever doping scandal
0:15:00 > 0:15:04after 11 horses from the Godolphin stable were found to have been
0:15:04 > 0:15:05drugged with banned steroids.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Horses are on roids.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10What are they going to look like, this?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Mind you, let's see a jockey try and whip him.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20"Midget, you touch me again, I'll put my hoof up your ass!"
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Apparently they knew something was wrong
0:15:22 > 0:15:25when the horses ran the race with the jockey in his arms.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Just, "Get out of the fucking way!"
0:15:28 > 0:15:30"Arrrrgggh!"
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Tell you what, if this catches on it's really going to change gyms.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58To be honest, it could have been worse.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01With the size of their noses, imagine if they had been on coke.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05"Awww, man! We should jump some fences and do a rodeo
0:16:05 > 0:16:08"and write a novel and move to France and take up hang gliding
0:16:08 > 0:16:11"and start a restaurant and make an album and go to Mars...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16"I'm off my fucking hooves!"
0:16:21 > 0:16:25To be honest, it's not horses on roids you want to worry about.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Some of them are on acid.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32MUSIC: "Everywhere" by Fleetwood Mac
0:16:37 > 0:16:40And it didn't end well for that fella.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48APPLAUSE
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Not that it's the only animal story in the news.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Did you see this belter about a bloke from Wales
0:16:56 > 0:16:57that fought a shark?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00A Welsh grandfather who helped wrestle a shark
0:17:00 > 0:17:02away from children on a beach in Australia -
0:17:02 > 0:17:05you may have seen the footage - he's been sacked from his job
0:17:05 > 0:17:08after his employers saw the incident on television.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Basically, he was away from work on sick leave and
0:17:10 > 0:17:13while he was on holiday, he saved some kids from a shark.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16His boss saw it on telly and sacked him.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18You can't sack him, he's amazing!
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Is this not the most incredible description of a shark attack ever?
0:17:22 > 0:17:26I'm there, you know, enjoying the sunshine
0:17:26 > 0:17:30and all of a sudden you get this scream of, "Help! Shark!"
0:17:30 > 0:17:33And there's this beautiful shark.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35And it's an absolutely beautiful specimen.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38The trouble is that sharks and young people don't mix.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43"I said it. I don't care who knows.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46"Sharks, children - not a good idea."
0:17:46 > 0:17:50He's brilliant. Listen...
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Listen to what he thought when he met the shark.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56When I see his mouth wide open, his jaws wide open,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59and I'm looking at them teeth, I think to myself...
0:17:59 > 0:18:00"Am I going to die?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02"How will I be remembered?"
0:18:02 > 0:18:04"Why the hell have you got so many teeth?"
0:18:08 > 0:18:11"I said, 'Fucking hell, man, he looked like Luis Suarez!'"
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Imagine him in Jaws.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- How much better would that film be? - HE HUMS JAWS THEME
0:18:17 > 0:18:21"Oi, Dreyfuss, look at the molars on this bastard!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24"You want to get down a dentist, bud."
0:18:24 > 0:18:27From fighting sharks to a sexy thief.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29If you've decided you have to steal a sex toy,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32you might as well steal the most extravagant one you can.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36According to the AP, an armed robber in Brazil made off from a swanky
0:18:36 > 0:18:40adult store with a 4,000, 18-carat gold-plated vibrator on Wednesday.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44He stole a four-grand golden vibrator.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48You're probably thinking, "Wow, some lucky lady is going to enjoy that."
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Not really.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56"I'm going to give you the evening of your life... Oh, bollocks."
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Never mind, we'll just do what they do in Mali. "Brrrrrrr..."
0:19:04 > 0:19:07APPLAUSE
0:19:09 > 0:19:12This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14There's a mystery guest who has been in the news.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16I have to figure out who that person is.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19So, please welcome our mystery guest.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21CHEERING
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- Hello. How are you? - I'm all right, thank you.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Nice to meet you.- Hello. - How are you?- All right, thank you.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- What's your name?- Lauren. - Lauren, I'm Russell.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- I see you have Albert Einstein here. - Yes.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- So, presumably it has something to do with the mind.- Yes.- OK.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46What could it be?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Are you one of those unfortunate people in life
0:19:53 > 0:19:55that has...no brain?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Funnily enough, no.- "No..."
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Is it something to do with this?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04This looks a bit like a crystal ball type thing.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08- Are you a Mystic Meg type figure? - No.- Can you see into the future?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- I wish.- You wish?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- That'd be good.- Predict. You never know, you might get it right.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17What will happen tomorrow? What will happen tomorrow in that lady's life?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I'll put my hand on her head, see if you can guess.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Touch me, touch me so it makes sense.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25What's going to happen? What's going to happen? Go!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27You're going to get a bus somewhere.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Wow!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40You're like a wizard!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45It's going to be so awkward if you get hit by a bus tomorrow.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46"Oh, my dreams... Arrgh!"
0:20:47 > 0:20:51So, are you a member of Mensa?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Are you one of the wisest girls in the country?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Yeah, that's pretty much what it is. - That's it?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00So why have you been in the news?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I was in the news for being a 16-year-old with an IQ
0:21:03 > 0:21:05higher than Albert Einstein.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Really? Oh, come on, that's amazing!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:10 > 0:21:12You're like...
0:21:13 > 0:21:15"Yeah, whatever.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"Sometimes I can get a tea bag, throw it across the room
0:21:18 > 0:21:21"and it lands in a cup, so... we've all got skills."
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Aaaahh!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- What's your IQ?- 161. - What's that loser's?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31- Um, it was only predicted, but 160. - It was only predicted?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Yeah.- Smells like bullshit, honey.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- Who predicted that?- I'm not sure.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38You should know that, surely.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- I probably should!- What's it like being really clever?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44It must be fantastic. Are you cleverer than your mum?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47She'd like me to say no but I'd like to think yeah.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52You know those signs that say "Please don't go on the grass"?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- Yeah.- How do they get there?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Have you ever done anything stupid?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Because you're wise, do you ever wig out and do silly things?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- I'm always doing stupid things. - Like what?
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Well, one of the main things is I constantly burn myself when...
0:22:16 > 0:22:20I was thinking more like, "Oh, I dress up dogs," not self-harm!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23"I don't know the answers! I don't know the answers!"
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- No, like...- Don't attack yourself with a Bunsen burner,
0:22:25 > 0:22:26you'll learn new things.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I was curling my hair in the mirror and it looked
0:22:29 > 0:22:32the opposite way so I rolled it into my head rather than out!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35That's lovely.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Have you had a lot of media attention with your wise mind?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Um, yeah, it's all been really overwhelming.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- I was on Twitter last night... - Nice. One sec.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- HE BURPS - Carry on.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47I'm gassy, I'm gassy.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52I'm just... Baby got gas.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- It's fine, I've got a dad. - You've got a dad?
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Showoff!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Clever and you hate orphans.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03So you were on Twitter last night?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Yeah, and I tweeted, "Oh, I'm so bored."
0:23:05 > 0:23:07And Edwina Currie tweeted me back saying,
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- "Don't be bored, sweetheart, read a book, preferably mine."- Really?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- What did you say back? - I just re-tweeted it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17"Edwina, what was it like sucking off John Major?"
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- Did you not know that?- No.- I did.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Oh, yes.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31How have you dealt with all this media attention?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Most of it's been really positive, so it's been nice.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I've had a few negative things -
0:23:35 > 0:23:36some woman was like,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39"Oh, you're doing well but get rid of those ratty hair extensions,"
0:23:39 > 0:23:41and I thought, "It's my real hair."
0:23:41 > 0:23:42GROANING
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Why did she say that?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47It was on one of the newspaper articles on the internet,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- and then you can comment on it and stuff.- Oh, really?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Fuck, what a bunch of tools. It's so weird, isn't it?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Particularly on the Daily Mail,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56there was once a thing on the Daily Mail comments.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Kerry Katona was trying to move a cupboard, right,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01and she put it in her car and it wouldn't fit and, amazingly,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03this was a story in the Daily Mail.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Somebody wrote underneath, in capital letters,
0:24:05 > 0:24:09"I've said it before, I'll say it again, Katona - get a van."
0:24:10 > 0:24:13My friend Carl has got no hair. Carl, come here.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- Can I just grab your hair? Is that all right?- Go for it.- Come here.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18He'd kill...
0:24:20 > 0:24:22He'd kill for that and...
0:24:24 > 0:24:26APPLAUSE
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- People should never take hair for granted.- Don't.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Cherish it while you have it, that's my advice.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- Tell you what, life doesn't get weirder than that, does it?- No.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I bet you thought when you woke up this morning
0:24:38 > 0:24:40you'd never have a bald man lean there.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Elsewhere this week, did you hear about this?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Rugby player Danny Cipriani has been discharged from hospital.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57He was kept in overnight after being hit by a bus during a night out
0:24:57 > 0:24:59in Leeds yesterday.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Did you see what he did to the bus?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04He fucked it up!
0:25:04 > 0:25:05How hard is he?!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08He was released from hospital the next day,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10the bus is still in intensive care.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Apparently he got pissed and ran in the road.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17When I'm pissed I like a bit of a dance, he's like,
0:25:17 > 0:25:19"I want to play Froggy."
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Imagine the passengers. "Oh, my God, we've hit someone. I hope he's OK.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25"What?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28"He's the bloke that goes out with Kelly Brook? Reverse it."
0:25:30 > 0:25:31IMITATES REVERSING NOISE
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Sorry, Danny.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Mind you, you've got to feel sorry for Danny Cipriani.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39He's a professional rugby player, he's played for England.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41What was Daily Star's front cover?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47It doesn't matter what he does, it's always about her.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49"Danny Cipriani's found the cure for cancer!
0:25:49 > 0:25:50"Check out Kelly's bangers."
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Next up, a lovely story about a man in India who created a school
0:25:59 > 0:26:00under a bridge.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Indian shopkeeper Rajesh Kumar Sharma
0:26:05 > 0:26:09has set up a school under a busy railway bridge in New Delhi.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22The outdoor classroom consists of three blackboards
0:26:22 > 0:26:25painted on walls, and rugs for the children to sit on.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Around 40 pupils aged between four and 12 attend the unusual classroom
0:26:50 > 0:26:52for two hours each day,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55learning maths and basic reading and writing skills.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Many students are from impoverished families living in nearby slums
0:26:59 > 0:27:00where schools are limited.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Rajesh, who provides all reading and writing materials for free,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07one day hopes to build a real facility for the children.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27There you go, what a dude.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Next up, it's time for some stand-up.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Now, this lady is fantastic, wonderful.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Please welcome to the stage the brilliant Aisling Bea!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Hey!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Hello.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Hi, everyone. Are you all well?
0:27:47 > 0:27:48AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50There you are. Oh, look at that.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53The last time I saw my name written that many times
0:27:53 > 0:27:56was on the wall of a toilet in the town that I'm from.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58But look how far I've come. Hurray!
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Which is also quite similar to something else that was
0:28:01 > 0:28:03written on the wall of the toilet.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05So, yay!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07I am just delighted to be here, really.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10I feel a bit like Niall Horan in One Direction, do you know what I mean?
0:28:10 > 0:28:13For those of you who don't know, One Direction is like a group of
0:28:13 > 0:28:18singing children made up entirely of fringes and inappropriate thoughts.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22And Niall Horan is the Irish one and he is just so happy to be there,
0:28:22 > 0:28:26because the group is made up of four angels and Niall,
0:28:26 > 0:28:29and Niall is just a normal lad.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32He is all of us and he is just so delighted to be there.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Like, you always see the camera panning across them all
0:28:34 > 0:28:35and it's just like,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38# You're insecure Don't know what for
0:28:38 > 0:28:40# You're turning heads as you walk through the
0:28:40 > 0:28:42# DOOR! #
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Yeah! There is Niall at the end
0:28:44 > 0:28:47and he is just not doing the same things as anyone else.
0:28:47 > 0:28:52Just clicking away, winking, winking away. Winking is like Irish heroin.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54"Argh!" We love that, do you know what I mean?
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Everyone says, "Oh, Aisling, you shouldn't be so hard on Niall
0:28:57 > 0:29:00"because he's, you know, the one in the group,"
0:29:00 > 0:29:03but you know that he is hoovering up the poonani
0:29:03 > 0:29:05that the pretty ones do not want.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07"Just delighted to be here!"
0:29:09 > 0:29:13I often have to go back to visit my mother in Ireland
0:29:13 > 0:29:15and she thinks I live this crazy life in London
0:29:15 > 0:29:19where I, like, brush my teeth with cocaine and wipe my ass with money,
0:29:19 > 0:29:21do you know what I mean?
0:29:21 > 0:29:26So she thinks that every time I go home to Ireland
0:29:26 > 0:29:30she has to remind me about death. So I come in the door and I'm like,
0:29:30 > 0:29:32"Hey, Mammy. How are you? Great to be home."
0:29:32 > 0:29:36"Well, you'll never believe who's dead," and you're like...
0:29:36 > 0:29:38"Mother, buzz kill, come on."
0:29:38 > 0:29:40And then what ensues is what I can only describe
0:29:40 > 0:29:42as a game of Death Guess Who?
0:29:42 > 0:29:46Where I'm like, "I don't know who is dead, Mum. Oh, for...
0:29:46 > 0:29:48"Does he have a moustache?"
0:29:48 > 0:29:49"No."
0:29:49 > 0:29:52"Fine. Does he wear a hat?" "Not any more."
0:29:54 > 0:29:57And so when I go home, I like to use my acting for bad
0:29:57 > 0:29:59so I go in the door and I'm like, "Hey, Mammy, how is it going?
0:29:59 > 0:30:00"How's everything been?"
0:30:00 > 0:30:03And she's like, "Well, you will never believe who is dead."
0:30:03 > 0:30:05And at that stage I just go...
0:30:09 > 0:30:15And I basically, I basically just fall to the floor dead.
0:30:15 > 0:30:20A great way to teach children about death is with pets.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23Psychologically, it is a great way to teach children about death.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26So, you know like, you buy your child a hamster
0:30:26 > 0:30:31and then after five years, when it is attached to it, you break its neck!
0:30:31 > 0:30:34And then you go, "Right. Now I am going to teach you what is going to
0:30:34 > 0:30:37"happen to granny very soon, do you know what I mean?
0:30:37 > 0:30:40"And then you die and they die and the circle continues."
0:30:40 > 0:30:44When I was growing up, we had this pet rabbit called Bubbles
0:30:44 > 0:30:47and Bubbles, I thought, had a great life.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50You know, just running around, pooing in our shoes.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53I was like, "There is a guy who knows how to party."
0:30:53 > 0:30:57But you never know what is going on inside someone's head, lads.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00And one night, Bubbles got at his hutch
0:31:00 > 0:31:04and he bit away at the wire in his hutch like this, until it sort of
0:31:04 > 0:31:06came out in a long spear
0:31:06 > 0:31:10and then he turned himself around, and he reversed his arsehole onto
0:31:10 > 0:31:16that spear and it punctured every single organ on the way up.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19They say he died of a broken heart in the end.
0:31:19 > 0:31:26So the next morning, my mother had to sort of - ppffftt! -him off the wire
0:31:26 > 0:31:29and it was up to my neighbour Jim Murphy to bury Bubbles the rabbit.
0:31:29 > 0:31:33And so Jim dug a grave for Bubbles as he remembered him, which is
0:31:33 > 0:31:36a small little rabbit like this, but when rabbits die,
0:31:36 > 0:31:38they don't die as they were.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40They die with their arms longer than their ears
0:31:40 > 0:31:42and the legs longer than their short lives,
0:31:42 > 0:31:44and so my first memory of death was basically standing in front of
0:31:44 > 0:31:47this grave with Jim Murphy in front of me, and going,
0:31:47 > 0:31:50"In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, amen.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53"Dear Jesus, we give you Bubbles the rabbit to bury,
0:31:53 > 0:31:55"to go to heaven with all the other angel rabbits."
0:31:55 > 0:31:59I couldn't believe it, there was Jim Murphy in front of me shoving
0:31:59 > 0:32:03Bubbles into the grave with the end of his welly boot like this.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07And still to this day, lads, whenever I have bad sex...
0:32:07 > 0:32:11I can't help but be reminded of Jim Murphy shoving that flaccid
0:32:11 > 0:32:14rabbit into a hole that was made for a live one, you know?
0:32:14 > 0:32:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:20 > 0:32:24A great way to end up not dead in general is to sort of look
0:32:24 > 0:32:28after yourself and be into exercise, and that's a great idea in theory.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31They say that you should really go running for your sanity
0:32:31 > 0:32:35and stuff, but I would rather be as mad as a pair of cats fighting
0:32:35 > 0:32:39to get out of a sack than go for a run, which is actually,
0:32:39 > 0:32:42when I don't wear a sports bra, quite the same thing that it looks like.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Like a pair of cats trying to fight out of a sack.
0:32:44 > 0:32:48There is only one exception to that rule and that is dancing.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51OMG, shit the bed, lads, I love me some dancing. I really do.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53I know you're all looking at me going,
0:32:53 > 0:32:55"Aisling, we all know what type of dancing you like."
0:32:55 > 0:32:58SINGS IRISH DITTY
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Hip-hop, actually. Hip-hop, you xenophobes.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02I love hip-hop, I really do, lads.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05Even now, you are listening to all this really good English
0:33:05 > 0:33:07coming out of my mouth, but inside my mind I'm like,
0:33:07 > 0:33:10# My palms are sweaty, knees are weak Arms are spaghetti... #
0:33:10 > 0:33:12Always hip-hop, do you know what I mean?
0:33:12 > 0:33:14Myself and my sister Sinead are mad into the hip-hop
0:33:14 > 0:33:18and we go wiggedy-wiggedy-wack, you know, as soon as a new urban
0:33:18 > 0:33:20hip-hop street dance movie comes out.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23You know the type of film I'm talking about?
0:33:23 > 0:33:26It's like Romeo and Juliet but with street dance.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29The storyline is always like he is from one form of dance,
0:33:29 > 0:33:32she is probably from another form of dance.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34She has a bit of a dead parent,
0:33:34 > 0:33:38he is a stripper but really he wants to be a carpenter. Ohhh!
0:33:38 > 0:33:40She teaches underprivileged kids
0:33:40 > 0:33:42how to do hip-hop at the local community centre.
0:33:42 > 0:33:48Oh, but wait, the community centre is going to close down. Argh!
0:33:48 > 0:33:51But wait now, there is a talent show
0:33:51 > 0:33:54with the exact same amount of prize money needed
0:33:54 > 0:33:57to fix the community centre. Hurray!
0:33:57 > 0:34:00Myself and Sinead are in that cinema and we are eating this for breakfast.
0:34:00 > 0:34:04We are like, "Oh, my God. The odds are really stacked against them.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07"I don't know if he is ever going to stop being a stripper."
0:34:07 > 0:34:09We come out of that cinema and we are like,
0:34:09 > 0:34:10"Sinead, how are we going to get home?"
0:34:10 > 0:34:13"The only way we know how, through hip-hop.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17"Oh-oh-oh. Oh-oh-oh-oh."
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Takes us ages to get home.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22But the only thing is, living in London
0:34:22 > 0:34:25and being mad into the hip-hop dancing as I am,
0:34:25 > 0:34:28I find dancing is very segregated
0:34:28 > 0:34:31so when I want to go and do my hip and my hop dancing,
0:34:31 > 0:34:34I have to go to a hip-hop club and like, say for example, if I was
0:34:34 > 0:34:38into cheesy music, I'd have to go somewhere for cheesy people,
0:34:38 > 0:34:40or if I wanted to go and listen to funk music,
0:34:40 > 0:34:44I would have to go somewhere for douche bags, you know?
0:34:44 > 0:34:48There's something for everyone but nothing for everyone.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50And that's very different to when I was growing up,
0:34:50 > 0:34:53because when I was growing up in the small town of Kildare,
0:34:53 > 0:34:57there was only one nightclub for about a 20-mile radius
0:34:57 > 0:35:02and that nightclub had to cater for all sorts of musical tastes. Why?
0:35:02 > 0:35:06Because for a 20-mile radius, that nightclub was the only
0:35:06 > 0:35:08place for young people to breed.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12And so it had to cater for all sorts of musical tastes.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15The DJ was a bit like David Attenborough.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18He knew exactly what music to play to bring the males
0:35:18 > 0:35:23and the females together at the watering hole, or their dance floor.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25It is 9pm and all the females arrive.
0:35:25 > 0:35:29All the females always travel in packs and they are all very nervous.
0:35:29 > 0:35:30We are all very nervous women.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33We've only had about nine vodkas.
0:35:33 > 0:35:37We are all covered head to toe in wash-off fake tan, some of us
0:35:37 > 0:35:40have stood up before we've entirely finished our wee and there's
0:35:40 > 0:35:44a bit of a trickle and you have to go blending it back in
0:35:44 > 0:35:45as you walk out.
0:35:45 > 0:35:50And the whole big thing now is to get the women onto the dance floor.
0:35:50 > 0:35:55So you play music that women can mime to.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58Yeah! Women love miming.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00They do! They love miming!
0:36:00 > 0:36:02Given a choice between walking somewhere
0:36:02 > 0:36:04and following an invisible rope,
0:36:04 > 0:36:06women will always follow the invisible rope.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09They love miming! They're down on the dance floor going,
0:36:09 > 0:36:13"No, I don't want no scrubs. Come on, Eileen."
0:36:13 > 0:36:15They love that, they think they're hilarious.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17But there is a problem with this picture here.
0:36:17 > 0:36:21As the French would say, "Ou est le cock?" Where is a cock?
0:36:21 > 0:36:22There is no cock on that dance floor.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25You have to get some men down there so you have to lay some bait,
0:36:25 > 0:36:27so what do all males love?
0:36:27 > 0:36:31What do all men love of all races, religions and creeds?
0:36:31 > 0:36:34What do they all love? Sluts! Sluts! They all love the sluts, they do.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36So you play music while empowered women -
0:36:36 > 0:36:39as the men who keep telling them to keep singing without their tops on
0:36:39 > 0:36:40tell them that they are...
0:36:40 > 0:36:42So when I was growing up, it was like,
0:36:42 > 0:36:44# Duh-duh! Going to get a little unruly! #
0:36:44 > 0:36:47And we were off. And we were having sex with each other's legs
0:36:47 > 0:36:52or having sex with the walls, all like this. It's very important,
0:36:52 > 0:36:56if you're a woman dancing, that you dance like you're a man having sex.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59If you dance like a woman having sex, you look like a joyous baby.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Do you know what I mean?
0:37:01 > 0:37:03So you're there and you go,
0:37:03 > 0:37:04# Going to get a little unruly! #
0:37:04 > 0:37:08And now women release their final form of bait which is their hair.
0:37:08 > 0:37:14Yeah, very much in the same way a female cat will lift up her tail
0:37:14 > 0:37:19and release her arse scent into the wild, a woman uses her hair.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22So we're like, # Dirty! Going to get a little unruly! #
0:37:22 > 0:37:23And we are off and we are going mad
0:37:23 > 0:37:28and we are cleaning the floor with our hair and everything is going on.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31The men are over by the dance floor and they are like, "Jesus,
0:37:31 > 0:37:34"there seems to be an awful lot of hair going on on the dance floor.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37"I think something might be afoot." That is right, lads.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Sluts are afoot, get ye down there.
0:37:39 > 0:37:43You couldn't just walk into that if you are a man,
0:37:43 > 0:37:47you could get your knob punched. Be very, very careful.
0:37:47 > 0:37:52So you have to play something that men can dance to, you have to
0:37:52 > 0:37:53get the men down there.
0:37:53 > 0:37:54What does the DJ play?
0:37:54 > 0:37:58# Duh, dun-dun-duh! #
0:37:58 > 0:38:04Jump Around! Men love jumping. They love jumping.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Give it a choice between walking somewhere and jumping,
0:38:06 > 0:38:09a man will always choose to jump.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12As soon as a DJ sees that there is some eye contact being made,
0:38:12 > 0:38:16he slows things down, but not too dramatically, quite slowly,
0:38:16 > 0:38:19with some happy hard-core dance music.
0:38:19 > 0:38:24Yes, dance music is used to mop up all the idiots around the sides
0:38:24 > 0:38:27who think that they can't dance, but everyone can dance to dance music.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30It is named after the main form of dance which is dance!
0:38:30 > 0:38:34Unlike mime, you don't have to listen to the storyline because, basically,
0:38:34 > 0:38:36you just pretend to be doing stuff from around the house -
0:38:36 > 0:38:41chopping bread, buttering the bread, checking your Facebook,
0:38:41 > 0:38:45whatever you want to do because dance music is just a series of beeps.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48BEEPS RAPIDLY
0:38:48 > 0:38:50Then, and I am not being xenophobic,
0:38:50 > 0:38:54but a Germanic person singing a sentence that no-one understands.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57# Tell me why do we build castles in...? #
0:38:57 > 0:39:01I don't know why you are building castles in the sky, to be honest.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03The men and the women are, they are circling each other now
0:39:03 > 0:39:05and it is all going well.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07As soon as the DJ sees them circling each other,
0:39:07 > 0:39:09it is time to drop the slow set.
0:39:09 > 0:39:15The slow set is the opportunity to touch a tit,
0:39:15 > 0:39:19so all of a sudden you've just been having a fish with some Insomnia,
0:39:19 > 0:39:21or something like that, and then boom!
0:39:21 > 0:39:23# I don't want to close my eyes
0:39:23 > 0:39:28# I don't want to fall asleep because I miss you baby
0:39:28 > 0:39:31# And I don't want to miss a thing... #
0:39:31 > 0:39:36MUMBLES: # Even when I dream of you...
0:39:36 > 0:39:41# I'd still miss you baby and I don't want to miss a thing... #
0:39:41 > 0:39:44Oh, no, no, no! Fair enough.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47"She didn't go for it, she must be frigid".
0:39:47 > 0:39:50And then as we know, the bouncer comes around and he says,
0:39:50 > 0:39:54"Here, lads, leave space for Jesus. Leave space for Jesus,"
0:39:54 > 0:39:56but as we know, it's grand because after Lent,
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Jesus was quite a thin man
0:39:58 > 0:40:01so you don't have to leave too much space, you know?
0:40:01 > 0:40:05And then we don't want the babies made here on the dance floor tonight,
0:40:05 > 0:40:09so it is time to wrap up the evening. How do you wrap up a disco?
0:40:09 > 0:40:13With the Irish national anthem! Yeah!
0:40:13 > 0:40:16You take your hand out of whoever's pants it has been down,
0:40:16 > 0:40:20you put it on your heart and you sing.
0:40:20 > 0:40:21SINGS IRISH NATIONAL ANTHEM
0:40:21 > 0:40:24"How are you getting home?" "I don't know yet."
0:40:24 > 0:40:26That's actually not from Lord Of The Rings,
0:40:26 > 0:40:30it is a real language recognised by the EU, so who is a xenophobe now?!
0:40:30 > 0:40:33Then you take your raffle ticket out of your bra
0:40:33 > 0:40:35and you go to the cloakroom to get your jacket.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38Women go and get their jackets, men don't
0:40:38 > 0:40:43because they are naturally protected from the weather by Fred Perry.
0:40:43 > 0:40:47So then we all go and we get our bag of chips
0:40:47 > 0:40:53and we go into the car park to watch the fight! Yeah!
0:40:53 > 0:40:56Honestly, lads, living in London, people are like,
0:40:56 > 0:40:58"Aisling, don't go watch the fight, don't go get involved,
0:40:58 > 0:41:02"don't get involved, he might have a knife. He might have a knife."
0:41:02 > 0:41:04If I don't get involved in the fight,
0:41:04 > 0:41:07how am I going to know what it's about?
0:41:07 > 0:41:09So you go down the watch the fight and you are like,
0:41:09 > 0:41:12"God, I don't want any drama tonight. I just do not want any drama.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15"I do not want any drama, do not want any drama with this fight.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17"Oh, my God, I think it might be about me.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19"Here, Denise, hold my earrings, I am going in.
0:41:19 > 0:41:23"Sean Jr, Sean senior, you are both brothers, stop fighting,
0:41:23 > 0:41:25"you both fingered me equally well!
0:41:27 > 0:41:34"Just stop fighting about it is all!" And then everyone drunk drives home.
0:41:34 > 0:41:38So I... I am going to leave you on this.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40As you know, we are coming into the summer and I am not a particularly
0:41:40 > 0:41:45tanned person, but here is a tip, should you wish to appear exotic.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49Walk around with a giant Toblerone underneath your arm.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51"Oh, someone's been away."
0:41:51 > 0:41:54Lads, you have been lovely! I have been blah-blah-blah!
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Have a lovely evening. Bye-bye.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:58 > 0:42:02Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the wonderful Aisling Bea!
0:42:04 > 0:42:08Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends.
0:42:08 > 0:42:09Good night.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd