0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Thank you!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello, and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Boris Johnson revealed what he saw when he took mushrooms.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Shiny, happy people.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41LAUGHTER
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Over on BBC Breakfast,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47they were asking the big political question on everyone's mind.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49How high can Ed Miliband bounce?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53And finally, did you see the moment
0:00:53 > 0:00:55this reporter had an orgasm live on air?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58..By the troubles of a Japanese car-maker.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Dave Harvey,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01(VERY QUICKLY) BBC Points West, in Swindon.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03"BBC Points West"!
0:01:07 > 0:01:08The big political news
0:01:08 > 0:01:11was all about UKIP's success in the local elections.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15The political party once dismissed by the Conservatives
0:01:15 > 0:01:17as loonies and clowns has tonight sent a shockwave
0:01:17 > 0:01:20through the Westminster establishment.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22The man celebrating tonight, Nigel Farage,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25claims a sea change in British politics,
0:01:25 > 0:01:29as UKIP take one in four votes and nearly 140 council seats.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Fair to say, not everyone was that happy.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38(TV) 'UKIP on the march, making major gains in the local elections.'
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Oh, no!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42HE CRIES
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Oh, no!
0:01:44 > 0:01:48"No!" I think I know why the kid's upset.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52It's because people who support UKIP tend to say things like this.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54When I was brought up, you did not see a brown face
0:01:54 > 0:01:57or a black face or a yellow face or whatever.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00And now you see them everywhere.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02"They're everywhere.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06"One looked after me in hospital. One teaches my kids.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10"One owns my favourite restaurant. The country has gone to shit.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13"When I was a kid, the country was full of honest,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16"law-abiding white people like Jimmy Savile..."
0:02:16 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER
0:02:18 > 0:02:21"..Stuart Hall, Gary Glitter, people you could trust!"
0:02:23 > 0:02:25If you think the kid was upset,
0:02:25 > 0:02:27look what this guy thought of UKIP voters.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30They jumped into a fucking...
0:02:30 > 0:02:35into a gorilla pit, stripped themselves naked,
0:02:35 > 0:02:41greased their genitals and started screaming for UKIP, UKIP, UKIP!
0:02:41 > 0:02:47Come and get me! Come and get me! Come and get me! Come and get me!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49What the fuck is going on?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I have no idea.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57He needs to go easy on the Red Bull. Look what he said next.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01We are British! We have the fucking Queen.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04She's got hairy fucking goat legs.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10The Queen's got goat legs?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13"Shit, Philip!
0:03:13 > 0:03:14"Philip!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25"Philip, they're on to us."
0:03:26 > 0:03:28"What are we going to do, Liz?"
0:03:31 > 0:03:33The Queen has goat legs.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37To be honest, I was pretty surprised that UKIP did so well.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Farage has been on the defensive all week.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43There is nothing in UKIP that is racist in any way at all.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50I don't know. This photo of one of their candidates doesn't look great.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53A smiling Alex Wood with a beaming Nigel Farage,
0:03:53 > 0:03:56the perfect image for a UKIP candidate.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58But then this emerged of the 22-year-old,
0:03:58 > 0:04:03- showing what some claimed was a Nazi salute.- Did you see his excuse?
0:04:03 > 0:04:08He told the BBC it's a photo of him reaching for a friend's phone.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12"I was getting my phone. Then I said to my mates, "Leave the pub!
0:04:12 > 0:04:16"Leave the pub." Then I got an itchy nose. "Leave the pub!
0:04:16 > 0:04:20"Leave the pub!
0:04:20 > 0:04:23"I didn't say Sieg Heil, I was telling my mates it's cold out.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25"It's hail!
0:04:25 > 0:04:30"It's hail! Take an umbrella. Take two of them! Two of them!
0:04:30 > 0:04:34"It's windy out, windy! Windy!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"When you get in, you need to brush your teeth. Brush your teeth!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"Brush 'em!"
0:04:44 > 0:04:46So you probably think the whole Nazi thing was a one-off.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Oh, no. Look what happened the next day.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00What an idiot! That's like me appearing on a national chat show
0:05:00 > 0:05:02next to one of the most evil men on telly.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05One of Britain's finest stand-up comedians, Russell Howard!
0:05:14 > 0:05:18That doesn't look good. It wasn't just the UKIP candidates in trouble.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Farage was getting heckled in the street.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- Are you thinking of voting for this man tonight?- Yeah, why not?
0:05:24 > 0:05:29- Racist homophobes.- That man says racist and homophobes.- Does he?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Well, there we are. I don't think we're homophobes.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:40"I mean, sure I'm a racist, but I'm not homophobic. I love bummers!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44"In fact, it's the one type of Browntown I don't mind."
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Bizarrely, Farage doesn't mind being heckled.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55In fact, he seems to enjoy being slammed.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- Keep the abuse coming, boys. Keep it coming.- OK.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01You look like the eagle from the Muppets.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Mind you, for all his faults,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13the one thing I will say about Farage - he does speak his mind.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Seems like you had a lot of fun at the press gallery lunch yesterday
0:06:16 > 0:06:18with all the Westminster journalists.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21You admitted you had been to a lap-dancing club in Strasbourg
0:06:21 > 0:06:23whilst you have been an MEP.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- Is that something you do on all your trips?- Yep.
0:06:28 > 0:06:34"Yep. In fact, I think MP stands for Mmm, Pussy!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37"I love pole dancers.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40"Not Polish dancers, they should stay in Poland.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42"But pole dancers, mmm."
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Now, from politics to yet another famous broadcaster
0:06:45 > 0:06:47falling from grace.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49The broadcaster Stuart Hall
0:06:49 > 0:06:52has been described as an opportunistic predator
0:06:52 > 0:06:56after admitting 14 indecent assaults on children as young as nine.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04In the 1970s, Stuart Hall was the face of the hugely popular game show
0:07:04 > 0:07:08It's A Knockout, but on the same day that this episode was filmed in Ely,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11he indecently assaulted a teenage girl.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13What an arsehole.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I hope when he takes his first shower in prison,
0:07:15 > 0:07:19some huge bloke bends him over and plays this.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21"IT'S A KNOCKOUT" THEME TUNE
0:07:23 > 0:07:25In fact, I hope someone commentates over it
0:07:25 > 0:07:27like he used to do in football.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30"Big Terry slams into Stuart Hall like the Greek God Achilles.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34"He screams in pain like a lovesick whale.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37"It's a knockout. No. It's a cock-out."
0:07:37 > 0:07:38APPLAUSE
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Just my opinion.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Although not everyone thinks we should be so harsh on Stuart.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Did you see what Helen Flanagan said?
0:07:56 > 0:08:01What?! Helen, he's a paedo!
0:08:01 > 0:08:06"What? He's a boat that you move with your legs?"
0:08:06 > 0:08:08No, Helen. That's a pedalo.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15They're very different things. He's a kiddie fiddler.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19"Oh, he's a really small violinist?"
0:08:19 > 0:08:21No. No.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25It's such a depressing story, isn't it? Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27It's like my childhood's falling apart.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Who are we going to see accused next, this guy?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Let's be honest, it doesn't look good for Pat.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36He likes putting packages into small slots
0:08:36 > 0:08:40and he hangs out with young pussy. It doesn't look good.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49What a week, though. Stuart Hall, UKIP growing in power.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50It's so depressing, man.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53It almost feels like at the end of the news, they should show us
0:08:53 > 0:08:57one thing just to cheer us up, and I may have found just the thing.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Whenever the news is particularly soul-crushing,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I say they end it with this.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09MONKEY CHUCKLES
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Come on. It would work. Would that not work?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Imagine. Imagine that on the news.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27Next up, did you see the man who built the world's largest jigsaw?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29It took 35 days of cutting
0:09:29 > 0:09:33for Dave to create his 40,000 piece tribute to the Queen's Jubilee.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I was going non-stop every day for about...
0:09:38 > 0:09:40between eight and ten hours a day.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Finally, his life's work was complete
0:09:44 > 0:09:47and ready to exhibit at Sandringham, the Queen's country retreat.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49What happened next?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Dave was just pressing down a few uneven pieces
0:09:52 > 0:09:54when he pushed a little too hard.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Poor sod!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08"There you go, 40,000 pieces, my life's work...
0:10:08 > 0:10:10"Oh, there's a bit sticking out.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12"I'll just put that back, I am a bit of a perfectionist,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14"I want to get it right. I love the Queen.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17"Some people say she's got goat legs, those people are wrong."
0:10:18 > 0:10:20"I'll just put this last bit in..."
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- CRRRRRR! - "I've wasted my life!"
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Did you see his wife's reaction? I bet she was gutted.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30SHE LAUGHS
0:10:30 > 0:10:35"It were the funniest thing I've ever seen!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38"He was in pieces, like his fucking jigsaw!"
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Poor bloke! Have a look at it again.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Look at the little walk he does when it falls.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57HE WHIMPERS
0:10:57 > 0:11:00He's so calm. "Oh, well. Never mind.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02"Start again, pick up a corner, no problem."
0:11:03 > 0:11:09- I'd have been,- "BLEEP BLEEP! - Suck my- BLEEP,- you- BLEEP,- you- BLEEP,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- "BLEEPing- hoverpig!"
0:11:13 > 0:11:16It would kill me. Christ, I lose my shit over tiny things.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I once stubbed my toe and actually turned to the wall
0:11:19 > 0:11:22and said, "What the fuck are you laughing at?"
0:11:24 > 0:11:27In fact, the only thing that would have calmed me down
0:11:27 > 0:11:29in that moment would've been this.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31MONKEY CHUCKLES
0:11:33 > 0:11:35But it wasn't just his wife laughing at him.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Even the news started taunting him.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40He'd love to go back and undo his little error
0:11:40 > 0:11:44but sadly, life doesn't come with a rewind button.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45AUDIENCE GROANS
0:11:45 > 0:11:48"Life doesn't come with a rewind button.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50HE PANTS
0:11:50 > 0:11:53If only it did, I'd travel back to 1992 and simply say,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55"Mum, don't cut my hair."
0:11:55 > 0:11:57AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Talking of people who wish they could rewind life,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04did you hear about this prank in America that went wrong?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06A dad is facing jail
0:12:06 > 0:12:10for letting off a stink spray in his son's school.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13He's going to jail for letting off a stink bomb.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I love this story for two reasons.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18One, the name of the spray he used and two,
0:12:18 > 0:12:20the way his wife pronounces it.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22NEWSREADER: This is a bottle of...
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Liquid Ay-ass.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29- What's it called?- Liquid Ay-ass. - I cannot stop saying it.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Just saying it makes you feel happy. On three, one, two, three...
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- AUDIENCE: Liquid Ay-ass! - It feels good, doesn't it?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37See, you're probably thinking,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"I bet he's only going to jail for a couple of days."
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Oh, no, here he is. Look how long he's going for.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44It was just a harmless prank.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Now, I'm looking at 90 days in jail.
0:12:47 > 0:12:5190 days in jail for letting off a stink bomb?!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I think we all know what he'll get if he goes in the showers.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Liquid Ay-ass.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Now, from Liquid Ay-ass to an amazing story about fancy dress.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Members of the Women's Institute got a bit of a shock when they dressed up
0:13:05 > 0:13:09as pirates to hear a speech from a retired sea captain about piracy.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Here they are, dressed up.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Aw, lovely, they're dressed as pirates.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14I wonder what happened next?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16The light-hearted gesture went wrong
0:13:16 > 0:13:18when they realised their speaker, Colin Darch,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22seen here in the middle, had actually been kidnapped by Somali pirates
0:13:22 > 0:13:25and held hostage for 47 days.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27"Hiya!
0:13:27 > 0:13:32"Shiver me timbers! Walk the plank!
0:13:32 > 0:13:34"Why is he crying?"
0:13:35 > 0:13:39"What? He was savagely beaten and held at gunpoint?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41"Lose the parrot."
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Science news now. Have you heard who's going to Mars?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52This is a trip that could test the very best of marriages.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55A multi-millionaire tycoon is searching for an older couple
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- to travel to Mars.- They're going to put pensioners in space.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03I can't wait to see the launch.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Apollo 15, commencing countdown.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07"Ooh, Countdown, I bloody love that programme.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09"Do you know what I like? The music."
0:14:09 > 0:14:10IMITATES COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE
0:14:10 > 0:14:15- ENGINES ROAR - "Fucking heeeell!"
0:14:15 > 0:14:16They'll be brilliant.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18"This is Mission Control, what's your position?"
0:14:18 > 0:14:21"Well, I'm sat down and Roger's having a nap."
0:14:23 > 0:14:25HE STIFLES A LAUGH
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Mind you, it's not all fun.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Have you seen their living conditions?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32The pair will spend 16 months together in a capsule no bigger
0:14:32 > 0:14:35than a garden shed with no showers
0:14:35 > 0:14:39and drinking water made from recycled sweat.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40HE WHISTLES, AUDIENCE GROANS
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I think we all know what that room's going to smell like.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Liquid Ay-ass!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Thank God they haven't got showers.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53No-one wants to see an old man's bollocks in zero gravity.
0:14:53 > 0:14:59Just...whoa! Just floating around, like a fleshy lava lamp.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Whaaa!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Eurgh, sorry, I can taste that joke!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09To be honest, it isn't the pensioners I feel sorry for,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12it's the poor bastard at Mission Control who has to listen
0:15:12 > 0:15:14to them rambling on.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17OK, Shuttle Tiberius, you are clear for comms, over.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22Oh, Mission Control, I remember the first time I saw Alan Titchmarsh.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24I went weak at the knees!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I thought, "You can trim my rosebush any day!"
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Nick Knowles, I don't like...
0:15:28 > 0:15:34Listen, I like prunes but prunes do not like me. Oh!
0:15:34 > 0:15:39Man flu? Bloody pathetic. I've had five children, Mission Control.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40I'd rather have a runny nose
0:15:40 > 0:15:43than squeeze a kid out of my bloody noo-nar!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Oh, fuck this!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- BANG! - Arggghhhh!
0:15:50 > 0:15:52APPLAUSE
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Next up, did you see what a robot on Mars did?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06This is true. Did you see it? Look at that.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:16:08 > 0:16:11A robot did that! Mind you, that's nothing.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14They drew an even bigger dick on the other side.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24This is the part of the show I don't know anything about,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26a mystery guest who's been in the news,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I have to figure out who that person is
0:16:28 > 0:16:30so please welcome my mystery guest.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- Hello.- Hello.- There's a lot going on here, isn't there?- There is.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Nice to meet you, I'm Russell. - Hi, Russell. I'm Jo.- Hey, Jo.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- Thanks for coming on the show. - Pleasure.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54You appear to have a lot of decapitated mannequins.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- It looks that way, doesn't it? - It very much does.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Presumably it's got something to do with kind of first aid?
0:16:59 > 0:17:04- Am I close?- Kind of.- OK.- Go a bit further than first aid.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Bit further...second aid?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- OK, so I'm fairly close with first aid.- Yeah.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Um...I know exactly what it is.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Do you work for the St John's Ambulance?- No.- Damn!
0:17:16 > 0:17:21- I was so confident then.- You're not too far off.- OK. Paramedic?- You are.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- Yes! He gets it! - CHEERING
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Lovely. Thank you very much.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Why have you been in the news specifically?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33That's for my work as an advanced paramedic.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Excellent, that's worth a round of applause.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:40 > 0:17:43So, what have you done?
0:17:43 > 0:17:48Well, I set up a unit to do response care out in the community
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- instead of sending them to hospital so it frees up hospital beds.- OK.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53The only thing you don't have at hospital is the alcohol gel
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- which is quite nice.- Oh, you like that?- I quite like it.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I spent a week in hospital and I'll mention this,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01this is how I could've done with being looked after by you
0:18:01 > 0:18:03where I had no access to stuff like this.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04- I smeared it on my balls.- Ooh!
0:18:06 > 0:18:12Because I was so bored. Honestly, I wanted to... I had...
0:18:12 > 0:18:16I don't know why I did it. I had a week of utter boredom
0:18:16 > 0:18:20and I'm talking instant regret. Literally, my brain went,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22"I wonder what it'll be like to put it on my balls?"
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- And I put it on and the yelp I made...- Cool?- And then I...
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Cold?- No, it's the, "Owww!"
0:18:28 > 0:18:31And then a nurse came, "Are you all right?"
0:18:31 > 0:18:33You're like, "Oh, I'm in the toilet."
0:18:33 > 0:18:37If there's any mums at home that struggle waking up their teenage...
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Actually, DON'T do that. Don't go there!
0:18:38 > 0:18:42- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - "Mum, what's wrong with you?"
0:18:44 > 0:18:47No, let them sleep! Let 'em sleep.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51So, talking of that, what's the most compromising situation
0:18:51 > 0:18:54you've ever found someone in? I bet it doesn't get weirder than...
0:18:54 > 0:19:00- Well, we got a call once to somebody that had a penis injury.- Right.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02And it was obviously...
0:19:02 > 0:19:05We'd got it as a penis injury after a compromising position.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Did you just help him or just laugh? - No, I didn't look.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- You didn't look?- No. - What had he done?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Um...I think he'd just torn it a little bit.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15AUDIENCE GROANS
0:19:15 > 0:19:20- Well, Natalie Imbruglia did warn us. - Yep!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I'm pretty sure that's what
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- that song was about, wasn't it? - Could well be.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28What I love now, there's a settling over the audience where girls
0:19:28 > 0:19:31are going, "I dunno," and men have gone to a very deep, calm place.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40- It's sore.- I imagine it is, yeah. Yeah.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42So are we going to do anything else?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45We are, we'll see if you scrub up well as a paramedic.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46- I look forward to that.- Yes.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49AMBULANCE SIREN BLARES
0:19:49 > 0:19:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:52 > 0:19:55We would appear to be outside an ambulance.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56What are we going to do, Jo?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Well, we've been told by our control it's an accident
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- and you're going to show me what a good paramedic you are.- OK.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- Right.- Are you ready? - Yep, born ready. Here we go.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:15Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Help! Help!
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- What do you think has gone on? - What do I think has gone on?- Yeah.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Well...
0:20:23 > 0:20:24LAUGHTER
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I don't know. What do you think has happened?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I think there might be a little accident there.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- Yeah, I think you're right.- I think they're going to need our help.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- Yeah, I'll help you.- Hold on a second. Always look for dangers.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- So, you have got to take that dog off first.- Right, take the dog off first.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Yeah.- Hello, sir. I hadn't noticed your leg there.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- My leg hurts a little bit. - Yeah, it looks pretty bad.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47- I've got a javelin through my head. I'm halfway up a dog.- I know.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48And I've got a liquid arse.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51LAUGHTER
0:20:51 > 0:20:52APPLAUSE
0:20:54 > 0:20:57I mean, it's the last one that's the most embarrassing.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59What would you like to do first?
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Pull my dog off.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02AUDIENCE: Wahey!
0:21:02 > 0:21:03LAUGHTER
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Oh, that's it. Oh, it really... Oh! Ah! Ah!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Oh, my God!
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Ah, you fucker!
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Let him die. Let him die.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Bandage.- What? Yeah, bandage.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Arm injury. Bandage. Get it on there, quick.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- You're going to be all right. Let's get you...- Nice and tight.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Let's get you through.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33LAUGHTER
0:21:36 > 0:21:41- Oh, God.- Well, there's more of that than I was expecting.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43He has gone full Carrie.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Get the bandage round there as well.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- Yeah, I will.- Come on.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Bandage my javelin.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Right, that's you sorted. That's perfect.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Hold that in your mouth.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- Right, he's good to go. Right, what's next?- Next.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03This might smart.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Amazing.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09APPLAUSE
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- It's a miracle.- It is a miracle.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- Are you ready?- No! No!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- No?- No. Never pull it out. - I think he needs that out.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- Neck brace.- Leg brace?- Neck brace. - Neck brace. Which is that?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33- Neck brace. That's the one.- That one? Yeah, let's put him in that.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39LAUGHTER
0:22:39 > 0:22:40No.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46That'll do. Perfect.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51It's going to be all right. It's going to be all right.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54That's not going to help him at all. No, it's got to go round his neck.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00He just said he wants to go to Switzerland.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I'll tell you what, let's just get him off to hospital,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04get him in the wheelchair, yeah?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06There he is. Let's just sort his neck out first.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- Dignitas? You want to go to Dignitas?- Yeah.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16- Excellent. Wonderful. Here we go. - Right, let's get him on this.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Get him in the chair. Do you want me to hold the chair?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21He's going to be all right.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:29 > 0:23:33I don't need that. I don't need it. He's going to be fine.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37LAUGHTER
0:23:42 > 0:23:43CHEERING
0:23:43 > 0:23:50Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up...
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Right, let's get him to hospital.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Please give it up for my mystery guest
0:23:54 > 0:23:56and the wonderful Steve Hall.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:24:03 > 0:24:05So, what else has been happening?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Did you hear about this?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16So, did people offer useful names? Not really.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24And my personal favourite...
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I think we all know what she should go with.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Liquid Ay-ass.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Over in New Zealand, check out what this bloke wants to do to cats.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Economist Gareth Morgan has initiated a website called Cats To Go.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43He wants people to consider making their current cat their last one.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Morgan states, "That little ball of fluff you own
0:24:46 > 0:24:48"is a natural born killer."
0:24:48 > 0:24:50He wants to rid the world of cats.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Some people have started already.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57LAUGHTER
0:24:57 > 0:25:00It's insane. Imagine a world without cats.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02It doesn't bear thinking about.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11AUDIENCE: Oh.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14No!
0:25:14 > 0:25:17MUSIC: "Adagio For Strings" by Samuel Barber
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Why?!
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Son of a bitch!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Aaargh!
0:25:31 > 0:25:32LAUGHTER
0:25:32 > 0:25:35HE ROARS
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Oh, no!
0:25:37 > 0:25:39LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Why?!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45LAUGHTER
0:25:45 > 0:25:47APPLAUSE
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Fuck cats.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Right, Rover?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Damn straight.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Next up, a wonderful story about a family from Virginia.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10My favourite quote of all time was our furnace repair man.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13He comes into the house, stops dead in his tracks and says,
0:26:13 > 0:26:18"This looks like some kind of United Nations meeting."
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I was born in Bangkok.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- Bangalore, India.- Connecticut.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I was born in Romania.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- Ethiopia.- In China.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33'Sharon is the gas pedal and I am the brakes.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34'Over and over, she will say,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37'"I found this child who needs X and Y and Z'
0:26:37 > 0:26:42"and all we have to do is fly over the ocean, get funding,
0:26:42 > 0:26:44"connect this dot to here and it would be done."
0:26:44 > 0:26:47People discouraged us. They thought we were going to ruin our lives by
0:26:47 > 0:26:51taking all these special kids. They said, "You don't know what to do."
0:26:51 > 0:26:54And it is true that we had no experience and we didn't really know
0:26:54 > 0:26:57how to raise them but you see what happens with unconditional love.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00'You give a person unconditional love and they blossom.'
0:27:03 > 0:27:06It took me decades to figure this out.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10There is no physical thing that you can buy that is actually going
0:27:10 > 0:27:13to give you true peace and happiness.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15And the pure joy that will come from
0:27:15 > 0:27:18a rescue and a ransom of a child's life
0:27:18 > 0:27:22is probably the most satisfying thing you can imagine.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26You think that they don't really know the gravity of them
0:27:26 > 0:27:28being rescued or saved.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Then you will see them in an external setting like one of them
0:27:32 > 0:27:37is in front of 300 people last Friday night and he tells people that he
0:27:37 > 0:27:40probably wouldn't be alive if he hadn't been adopted by this family.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45I feel like having these kids has really helped us
0:27:45 > 0:27:48find our life, find our meaning, find our purpose.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49APPLAUSE
0:27:49 > 0:27:50They're beautiful.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Now it's time for my stand-up guest.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59It's the wonderfully silly Lou Sanders!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Hello! All right?
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Lovely! Mmm! Looks very nice.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14I'm sort of... I'm used to doing gigs,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17I've done a few gigs recently, quite macho gigs.
0:28:17 > 0:28:22I'll explain what a macho gig is. Basically when a woman walks on,
0:28:22 > 0:28:26you can see them sort of thinking, "Mmm...
0:28:26 > 0:28:29"There's a woman. This might be shit."
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Sexist, I call them. But I kind of want to cater for everyone.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35I want to make sure they're happy as well.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36So I've just catered for that
0:28:36 > 0:28:39and I've just got a cock and balls.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41So...
0:28:46 > 0:28:50I think we all feel a lot more comfortable now.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53What I've done is I've wetted the end there for realism.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55AUDIENCE GROANS
0:28:55 > 0:29:02And, I don't know why, but on the other side of written "party time".
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Because I'm an optimist.
0:29:04 > 0:29:08So, this is nice. I've given up drinking recently.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10And I'm not happy about it.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14But what's happened is I formed an allergic reaction to alcohol,
0:29:14 > 0:29:17which is as awful as it sounds.
0:29:17 > 0:29:22And what happens is one eye swells up, it's usually this guy.
0:29:22 > 0:29:26And it lasts for about a week. It goes really purple and swells up.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29And I had it for whole week after my birthday,
0:29:29 > 0:29:31and every shop that I went into,
0:29:31 > 0:29:33like, especially if it was a female cashier,
0:29:33 > 0:29:36they just look at me like this.
0:29:38 > 0:29:44And you knew she was thinking, "Just leave him!"
0:29:44 > 0:29:47And it happened so many times in this week, right,
0:29:47 > 0:29:52it was great to get a T-shirt made saying, "But I love him!"
0:29:52 > 0:29:56Before this, I used to be a business lady and I quit
0:29:56 > 0:29:59because of the glass ceiling effect.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02Which is the same reason I left the British Museum.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07Oh!
0:30:07 > 0:30:11For that joke to work, you have to know what a metaphorical glass ceiling is,
0:30:11 > 0:30:16then you've got to know that the British Museum have got, like, the biggest ever glass ceiling
0:30:16 > 0:30:19and then you've got to think it's funny.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22So... It's a bit of a tall order.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25But I like this job, because you get to work from home quite a lot.
0:30:25 > 0:30:29And I like working from home, because you can investigate different things.
0:30:29 > 0:30:34Like if you run out of milk - this is quite a good tip, right -
0:30:34 > 0:30:38if you run out of milk, you can put yoghurt in your coffee,
0:30:38 > 0:30:41and it totally ruins it.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48I've always liked older men and I used to do this thing,
0:30:48 > 0:30:51like, I think all girls do it when they're about 15, 16,
0:30:51 > 0:30:55you go to the pub and you sort of want to get chatted up by 19-, 20-year-olds.
0:30:55 > 0:30:59And they like 16-year-olds, so it all works out perfectly.
0:30:59 > 0:31:04But I never really knew what to say if they'd say, "How old are you?"
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Because I used to hate that question,
0:31:06 > 0:31:10because you can't say 15 in case they're not a nonce.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13I really hated this question, I dreaded it, right,
0:31:13 > 0:31:17until I came up with this saying that I thought was so profound that
0:31:17 > 0:31:21when I said it - it wasn't even mine, I got it from somewhere - and I thought it was so profound
0:31:21 > 0:31:25when I said this, they're going to think, "She's so mature!
0:31:25 > 0:31:27"She's at least 27."
0:31:27 > 0:31:30And we'll do a role-play, right?
0:31:30 > 0:31:32I'll give the answer I gave every time when I was 15.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34So we'll pretend we're in Louisa Bay in Broadstairs.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37I'm 15, you're 19, you say to me, "How old are you?"
0:31:37 > 0:31:41and I'll give the answer verbatim that I gave. OK?
0:31:41 > 0:31:42How old are you?
0:31:42 > 0:31:47Er, age is not a time or place, it is a state of mind.
0:31:50 > 0:31:55Every time. Age is not a time or place, it is a state of mind.
0:31:55 > 0:31:59No-one thought age was a time or place.
0:31:59 > 0:32:05You don't be like, "Just off on holiday." "Where you going?" "Eight years old."
0:32:05 > 0:32:09"What time are you going?" "21 today." Ridiculous!
0:32:09 > 0:32:12The guy that I went out with before my boyfriend, he was a lot older.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16He was, like, 45, but one of the cool ones.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19He wore trainers and everything, so don't worry.
0:32:19 > 0:32:20And he was nice, a nice guy,
0:32:20 > 0:32:23but we realised we were totally incompatible
0:32:23 > 0:32:27when we were on a mini-break. And it's nice doing that,
0:32:27 > 0:32:30because then we spent the last two days just as friends,
0:32:30 > 0:32:33and there's such a level of refreshing honesty that you get
0:32:33 > 0:32:36in that situation, because you don't want anything from each other.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40And we were so honest and having nice chats to the point that
0:32:40 > 0:32:45when we drove back to the airport the radio was on and I said to him,
0:32:45 > 0:32:49"What's your favourite song?" It's the sort of level of banter you can expect if you're my friend.
0:32:49 > 0:32:53He said... That is a hard question, "What's your favourite song?"
0:32:53 > 0:32:56I would come up with 20 songs and then I'd e-mail them a week later going,
0:32:56 > 0:33:00"I forgot about Taj Mahal and Blind Melon!"
0:33:00 > 0:33:03But he knew his mind, perhaps because he was 45.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05I said to him, "What's your favourite song?"
0:33:05 > 0:33:12And straightaway he said, "Robbie Williams...
0:33:12 > 0:33:15"Angels." AUDIENCE GROANS
0:33:15 > 0:33:19Yes! Robbie Williams.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21Some people are not bothered.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24He'd been inside me.
0:33:28 > 0:33:32I couldn't believe it. So then I thought, "Who is this guy?"
0:33:32 > 0:33:36Like, we were dating for three months before that, you know.
0:33:36 > 0:33:40Who is this guy? You know, and so I said to him, "Who's your ideal woman?"
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Thinking it's definitely not me.
0:33:42 > 0:33:46And I thought maybe he'd say Britney Spears, perfectly reasonable,
0:33:46 > 0:33:48probably a nice girl.
0:33:48 > 0:33:53And he said - this is verbatim - he said, "Well,
0:33:53 > 0:33:57"I've got a blue DVD at home."
0:33:57 > 0:33:59It's not a great start, is it?
0:33:59 > 0:34:03Also who uses the word "blue"? A 45-year-old.
0:34:03 > 0:34:08"I've got a blue DVD at home, and there's a 17-year-old girl in that,
0:34:08 > 0:34:11"and I'd quite like to spunk in her face."
0:34:14 > 0:34:19Now, gentlemen, what is wrong with you?
0:34:19 > 0:34:23You can have a full stop after that, but what is wrong with you that
0:34:23 > 0:34:28when you see something of aesthetic beauty, you think to yourself...
0:34:30 > 0:34:34.."Well, I can't fully appreciate that without redecorating it"?
0:34:42 > 0:34:43It is weird.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45I mean, do you go to a museum and be like,
0:34:45 > 0:34:48"Oh, what a lovely ancient relic from another civilisation.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51"I'm going to have to spaff all over that."
0:34:51 > 0:34:55"Oh, Auntie Pauline. What a lovely floral dress..."
0:34:55 > 0:34:57AUDIENCE GROANS
0:34:57 > 0:34:58Etc etc.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01I should have used any other name apart from Pauline,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04because I have got an Auntie Pauline.
0:35:04 > 0:35:09My mum and dad are quite bright, well, they're really bright.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12And my stepdad, especially - really, really intelligent.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16And I always wonder why I'm not more intelligent.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18I mean, I'm not that thick that I think,
0:35:18 > 0:35:23"Hang on, my stepdad's really clever. Why haven't I inherited any of those genes?"
0:35:23 > 0:35:26I always think I'm not intelligent enough
0:35:26 > 0:35:28and then instead of doing something about it,
0:35:28 > 0:35:29I moan about it to my friends.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32So I'll be like, "Oh, I'm not intelligent enough!"
0:35:32 > 0:35:35Because they're nice people, they're like, "Don't worry, Lou.
0:35:35 > 0:35:39"You've got good emotional intelligence."
0:35:39 > 0:35:43I'll be on your quiz team, shall I? This is me on a quiz team.
0:35:43 > 0:35:48Why did Mussolini invade... wherever he invaded?
0:35:48 > 0:35:54I've done all the research. Why did Mussolini invade...
0:35:54 > 0:35:58I've got this, team. Is it because he was a middle child?
0:35:58 > 0:36:01Something to do with breastfeeding?
0:36:01 > 0:36:06But I think, generally, like, dumb people are more entertaining.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10They are. Because I got on a train, I was coming back from Wales.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13I know - how the other half live.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17And there was this guy, and he was so... I did really like him.
0:36:17 > 0:36:21He was probably having a bit of a day, a bit of a to-do.
0:36:21 > 0:36:25Right, we'll do an impression of him, because I went to City Lit acting class for the weekend.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28Guys, this is going to be £50 well spent.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30So I'm just going to go into it.
0:36:30 > 0:36:35- OK, if you shout "action", and then...- Action!
0:36:35 > 0:36:38Have you spent any time in the performing arts?
0:36:38 > 0:36:40I've got to get into character.
0:36:40 > 0:36:44I know I'm a great actor, but I've got to get into character, for God's sake.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47Well, I like your commitment, but let me just get into it.
0:36:47 > 0:36:52- I mean, we can't all be professionals.- And...action!
0:36:52 > 0:36:56That was lovely! Wasn't that lovely? APPLAUSE
0:36:56 > 0:36:59Yes, I think so! That was so lovely.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05Because what you did there is you prepped me up with an "and".
0:37:05 > 0:37:10I mean, it was a dream come true, in terms of directing.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13Watch out, the crew!
0:37:13 > 0:37:16But then I interrupted myself, so not your fault. OK...
0:37:16 > 0:37:19By the way, we're on a train. Yeah.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22Oh, and by the way, this isn't homophobic,
0:37:22 > 0:37:27it's just the way that he spoke. So it's important to remember that.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30Action.
0:37:30 > 0:37:35"Hello, everybody! This is Barry speaking.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39"Your cabin crew member for today." We're on a train.
0:37:42 > 0:37:47"I regret to inform you that the boiler has broken. OK?
0:37:50 > 0:37:54"So there will be no tea, no coffee and no hot chocolate.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01"I've got to phone my manager in Swindon and sort this out."
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Off you pop then, Baz, because I'm a bit parched.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07But a minute later, he was back to the Tannoy.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09And no-one had even got on and off the train.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12Good for him, committed, you know.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14But he had the exact same message.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17Two minutes later, he's back again.
0:38:17 > 0:38:23This time he goes, "I'm sorry, people.
0:38:23 > 0:38:27"Things have gone from bad to worse.
0:38:27 > 0:38:32"We are now totally out of Fanta.
0:38:36 > 0:38:40"So, if you did want a tea, a coffee, a hot chocolate or a Fanta,
0:38:40 > 0:38:42"this is now not possible.
0:38:47 > 0:38:52"Oh. Well, Beverley has just found two bottles of Fanta."
0:38:54 > 0:38:57Women and children first.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01OK, you've been really nice. I'm going to come to the end of my set now.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03You've been lovely. And it's weird with stand-up,
0:39:03 > 0:39:07because people talk about themselves a lot.
0:39:07 > 0:39:08I always think that's a bit...
0:39:08 > 0:39:11You know, comics go, "Another thing about me."
0:39:11 > 0:39:13And it's sort of, "God, really?"
0:39:13 > 0:39:17But it's a weird one because people say, "Oh, talk about what you know."
0:39:17 > 0:39:21And I know myself so well, sometimes I finish my own sentences.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23AUDIENCE GROANS
0:39:23 > 0:39:26Piss off!
0:39:26 > 0:39:30OK, so this is... Basically what I'm saying is you've been very kind,
0:39:30 > 0:39:33and this is now, to give back, this is to you.
0:39:33 > 0:39:38# Fishing for compliments Hey, that's a nice jumper
0:39:38 > 0:39:41# Fishing for compliments That's a nice sentiment
0:39:41 > 0:39:45# La la la la, la la la
0:39:45 > 0:39:49# Fishing for compliments Hey, that's a nice jumper
0:39:49 > 0:39:54# Fishing for compliments That's a nice sentiment
0:39:54 > 0:39:57# La la la la, la la la. #
0:39:57 > 0:40:01- OK! What's your name? - Jordan.- Jordan!
0:40:02 > 0:40:06Jordan. He must be very excited about his compliment.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10OK, Jordan...
0:40:10 > 0:40:16If your face was on currency, I would have a very sticky purse.
0:40:22 > 0:40:26# Fishing for compliments Hey, that's a nice jumper
0:40:26 > 0:40:30# Fishing for compliments That's a nice sentiment
0:40:30 > 0:40:33# La la la la, la la la
0:40:33 > 0:40:38# Fishing for compliments Hey, that's a nice jumper
0:40:38 > 0:40:42# Fishing for compliments That's a nice sentiment... #
0:40:42 > 0:40:45- OK, what's your name?- Chantelle.
0:40:45 > 0:40:50Chantelle, you must be very excited as well about... OK!
0:40:50 > 0:40:54Very slick, Lou. How do you do it? I don't know.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:40:56 > 0:41:02Chantelle, you're like a fine expensive bottle of wine.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04You just keep getting left on the shelf.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06AUDIENCE GROANS
0:41:06 > 0:41:13It's OK. I chose a very pretty girl with a high self-esteem.
0:41:13 > 0:41:21# Fishing for compliments Hey, that's a nice jumper
0:41:21 > 0:41:26# Fishing for compliments That's a nice sentiment
0:41:26 > 0:41:28# Fishing for compliments Hey, that's a nice jumper
0:41:28 > 0:41:31# Fishing for compliments That's a nice sentiment
0:41:31 > 0:41:35# La la la la, la la la. #
0:41:36 > 0:41:39Basically, just hitting someone with a stick.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42Passing it off as comedy.
0:41:42 > 0:41:45- OK, what's your name?- Simon.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49Simon, you'd be perfect if you just washed your cock once in a while.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00OK, you've been really nice. And thanks in advance
0:42:00 > 0:42:04for all the positive Tweets about how much you've enjoyed my set. Goodbye!
0:42:04 > 0:42:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:06 > 0:42:09Ladies and gentlemen, Lou Sanders!
0:42:14 > 0:42:18Urgh! Someone needs to wash their dick!
0:42:18 > 0:42:21Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends. Good night!
0:42:21 > 0:42:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:46 > 0:42:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd