0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language
0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Hello.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Welcome to Good News.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35So, what's been happening?
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Over on BBC London, they showed the shittest magic trick ever.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Meet Andrew Basso, the modern Houdini.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44One of a team of great illusionists
0:00:44 > 0:00:47coming to do a unique show here in London.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49CLATTERING
0:00:49 > 0:00:52LAUGHTER
0:00:55 > 0:00:58And then this reporter revealed WAY too much.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I've come to a bowling shop in Leeds to talk to Alex.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04He's a professional. He's even going to drill me.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08LAUGHTER
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Here's a tip, if you're going to do an interview on the news,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12take off your swimming goggles.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15LAUGHTER
0:01:15 > 0:01:17And finally, over on South Today,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19this is how you disrupt a news report.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21It's extremely busy
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- and extremely...- Titties!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:27 > 0:01:28APPLAUSE
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Titties!
0:01:34 > 0:01:35So what's been going on?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Well, a global superstar has hung up his boots.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42David Beckham, the biggest star the game has ever known,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44has decided to call it quits.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46No!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Oh, I'm so shocked!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52You think she's upset? This guy couldn't believe it.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56DOG YOWLS
0:01:56 > 0:01:57People LOVE him!
0:01:57 > 0:02:02I've had loads of photos taken, but they've never ever got like this.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Whoo!
0:02:03 > 0:02:04SOBS: David Beckham just...
0:02:04 > 0:02:10showed his face and said, "Do you mind if I pop into your picture?"
0:02:12 > 0:02:15"This is the greatest day of my life!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17"I just had my photo taken with David Beckham!"
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Mind you, not all mums cry. Some really go for it.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Team GB! Team GB!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Can I join in?
0:02:25 > 0:02:26THEY SCREAM
0:02:26 > 0:02:31Oh! Oh my God! Look at you!
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Oh!
0:02:32 > 0:02:35LAUGHTER
0:02:35 > 0:02:37"Oh, come here!
0:02:39 > 0:02:42"Christ, if my kids weren't here, I'd ruin you!"
0:02:42 > 0:02:46LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:48So what's Beckham going to do next? Well, there's talk of acting.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I dunno. He's very handsome but the voice?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53You can make a film as dramatic as possible,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55he'll always have that voice.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- HIGH-PITCHED:- Pepsi.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Poor Becks. Body of a god. Voice of a Munchkin.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Whatever he does, we're going to miss him.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I mean, he's said some brilliant things down the years.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29And who could forget this?
0:03:35 > 0:03:39From a footballer we all love to John Terry. He's been at it again.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Chelsea win the Europa League in dramatic style in Amsterdam.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Despite playing no part in the match,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49injured captain John Terry ensured he was kitted up to share in the glory.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51What a tit!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54He didn't even play and then at the end of the game,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56he put on a Chelsea strip and picked up the Cup.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58"Well done, lads. Out the fucking way!"
0:04:00 > 0:04:02That's like me going on at the end of a Michael McIntyre gig.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06"Thanks very much. Great crowd!"
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Christ, imagine him at a photo booth.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11THEY CHEER
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Fancy a photo?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Fuck off!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Elsewhere this week, Sweden hosted the carnival of camp
0:04:25 > 0:04:27that is the Eurovision Song Contest.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Yes, it was brilliant. Did you see who won?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34The 20-year-old Danish singer, Emmelie de Forest,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36has won the Eurovision Song Contest.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39She beat off 25 other finalists.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Well, no wonder she won.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47The poor girl must have been knackered.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50I'm surprised she could hold up the mic.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Not only that, I think she kicked this bloke in the bollocks.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00FALSETTO SINGING
0:05:02 > 0:05:04That was Romania's entry. Did you see it?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07It's like the most fucked up tampon advert ever.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17THAT is a heavy flow.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19But it gets worse.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Did you see what Graham Norton said when he finished singing?
0:05:22 > 0:05:27Cesar there, proving that just because you CAN do something,
0:05:27 > 0:05:28doesn't mean you should.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:33My highlight, without doubt, was the guy from Lithuania.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Oh, my God. Check out his lyrics.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:04# My left sock is Larry
0:06:04 > 0:06:07# The right one's called Bob
0:06:07 > 0:06:09# The winner from Denmark
0:06:09 > 0:06:12# She wanked us all off! #
0:06:12 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:14 > 0:06:16What are those lyrics?!
0:06:20 > 0:06:24"I'm in love with you because of my shoes"?!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26How much would that scare you?
0:06:26 > 0:06:30"We have to be together forever.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34"My shoes said so."
0:06:34 > 0:06:35I've had these trainers for ages.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Not once have they gone, "Russ, let's get some ass."
0:06:38 > 0:06:40LAUGHTER
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Still, if you thought his lyrics were crazy,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44did you see him afterwards?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I wanted to be the eighth, was my dream, you know,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50and now I'm like 20ist.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53What is the fucking number 20ist?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55LAUGHTER
0:06:55 > 0:06:57"What's 20ist? What's that Spain?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"What's that you say?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03"You want me to kill everybody, Spain?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05"OK, Spain."
0:07:05 > 0:07:06LAUGHTER
0:07:06 > 0:07:09God bless the Eurovision. I love it. Do you know why I love it?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Because anyone can be a star for a night.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Singers that look like creepy uncles...
0:07:18 > 0:07:21..a Greek fisherman with the smallest guitar in Europe...
0:07:26 > 0:07:29..and wookiees bellowing into a fox's arsehole.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41You just don't see enough of that. You just don't see enough of that.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43APPLAUSE
0:07:43 > 0:07:46A wookiee in lycra singing "mello gofoloski"
0:07:46 > 0:07:48into a dead fox's shit pipe.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50LAUGHTER
0:07:50 > 0:07:53But the highlight is the moment the winner picks up their award.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56It's their moment and no-one else can spoil it.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59The winner is Denmark!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Next up, a strange story about pigeons.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16A London-based innovative organisation has developed a plan
0:08:16 > 0:08:18to make the city a cleaner place.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Instead of ridding the pigeons,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22the group wants to use them in a novel experiment.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25The birds will be fed a specially-designed diet
0:08:25 > 0:08:27using synthetic biology to create the bacteria
0:08:27 > 0:08:30which will modify the metabolism of the birds.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33The pigeons will, in turn, produce and defecate -
0:08:33 > 0:08:35get ready for this - soap!
0:08:35 > 0:08:37LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:39That's right - you heard right.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43They want pigeons to shit soap!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45It's like a really crap pigeon version of X-Men.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47"Behold, I am Superpigeon!"
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Wow, what can you do?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51"Shit out Imperial Leather!"
0:08:51 > 0:08:54LAUGHTER
0:08:54 > 0:08:56What next, owls jizzing Listerine?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58LAUGHTER
0:08:58 > 0:09:01"Aah, Hedwig!"
0:09:01 > 0:09:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Bizarrely, it's not the best pigeon story in the news. Check this out.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20This is totally genuine. We think Boris Johnson is a bit mad.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Look what the Mayor of this city said.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30What a lunatic!
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Shall we get a gun? No, Lambrini.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35It's mental.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38If ever there was a creature not designed to have a hangover
0:09:38 > 0:09:39it's a pigeon.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Imagine every step.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"
0:09:45 > 0:09:48"I can't move without moving my fucking head! Ow! Ow!"
0:09:50 > 0:09:51The other pigeon - "You all right?"
0:09:51 > 0:09:56"No, no, I'm not. I was fucking hammered last night.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"I've eaten my own feet.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03"I thought they were fucking Twiglets."
0:10:03 > 0:10:06"That's nothing, right. I was so drunk, I shit the bed.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"On the plus side, me sheets were really clean."
0:10:09 > 0:10:12LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Staying in the world of drinking, have you heard about this app?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17The drinking mirror is an app designed to show you
0:10:17 > 0:10:19the ageing effects of alcohol,
0:10:19 > 0:10:23how you'll look in ten years if you carry on drinking too much.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24That's awful.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Phew!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29She looks like Alex Ferguson's bollocks.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Mind you, you think that's bad, look who I got.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:38 > 0:10:39They shouldn't have an app
0:10:39 > 0:10:41that shows what you look like when you're pissed.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44They should have an app that shows what you DID when you're pissed.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47"Says here you thought it would be a good idea to record yourself
0:10:47 > 0:10:49"singing badly with a shoe."
0:10:49 > 0:10:51# Watch me, follow me
0:10:51 > 0:10:53# Show me what you can do
0:10:53 > 0:10:55# Everybody let go... #
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- That... - LAUGHTER
0:10:59 > 0:11:02That is the app you need because sometimes you can do
0:11:02 > 0:11:04incredible things when you're pissed.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06I mean, check out what this bloke from Devon did.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18WHAT?! How hammered do you have to be?
0:11:18 > 0:11:23- SLURRED:- "I fucking hate peanuts. I just can't stand them.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25"They're the most arrogant of all the nuts!"
0:11:25 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER
0:11:30 > 0:11:33"Fucking 'ell, that ambulance is all right!"
0:11:33 > 0:11:35LAUGHTER
0:11:35 > 0:11:38"What's that, Mr Pigeon? All right, deal!
0:11:38 > 0:11:42"I'll fuck the ambulance if you eat your feet!"
0:11:42 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Imagine him with the police.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50"She was gagging for it, mate.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53"I got my dick out and she went, 'Whoo-whoo!' "
0:11:53 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:01 > 0:12:05This is my favourite part of the story. Did you hear his excuse?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10"Relatively high spirits"?!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12HE FUCKED A VAN!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:17High spirits is everyone laughing as your Nan does Gangnam Style.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20He's balls deep in an ambulance!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Terry and Beckham weren't the only footballers in the news.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Wayne Rooney's had another kid.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Congratulations to Coleen and Wayne Rooney this morning.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34They've become parents for the second time.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Coleen gave birth to a son, Klay, just after 2am this morning.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40He's called Klay.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Apparently Wayne named him after the most beautiful bird he's ever seen -
0:12:43 > 0:12:45a clay pigeon.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48LAUGHTER
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- SCOUSE ACCENT:- "It was amazing. He came across like that..."
0:12:52 > 0:12:55LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:12:59"..and then he died."
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Good on him though, eh?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03It's interesting how people react to the news of a pregnancy.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Some people are like this...
0:13:05 > 0:13:07screams: we're having a baby!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09..and some are like this.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- Mum?- Yes?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Could you come in, please?
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Um...
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I need to tell you something.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- You know that girl that came around a few weeks ago?- Yeah.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- And she slept down for the night? - Yeah.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28We did have sex and...
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I only found out a few days ago that she's pregnant.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37SHE LAUGHS
0:13:37 > 0:13:38You're an arsehole.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40LAUGHTER
0:13:40 > 0:13:41Boom!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Mind you...
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Rooney's kid wasn't my favourite bit of baby news.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49This week, Metro published a list of...
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Did you read them?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Oh, my God. They're 100% true.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58These are things that people's kids have actually said to them.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:09 > 0:14:11"Kill it, Daddy, kill it!"
0:14:11 > 0:14:13It gets better. Have a look at this one.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22LAUGHTER
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"I want to see you all day, Daddy!"
0:14:26 > 0:14:31"Have you in the suitcase, open the suitcase, there's Daddy's face!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34"There's Daddy's face next to the sandwiches!"
0:14:35 > 0:14:39From creepy babies to an absurd teaching story.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Holy shit. Talk about treating kids like morons.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52What's that going to look like? This?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Mr and Mrs Nazi went to see Mr Hitler.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Heil!
0:14:58 > 0:14:59He was ever so grumpy.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02What is wrong, Mr Hitler?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I am no good at art, and I have only got one ball.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Whatever shall I do? I know, I will start a war.
0:15:09 > 0:15:14Mr Hitler had such fun killing Jews and Gypsies and homosexuals.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17It was going so well until Mr Churchill stopped him.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Mr Hitler was so upset, he blew his brains out.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23GUNSHOT
0:15:23 > 0:15:25- ALL:- Yeah! Woo-hoo!
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Chelsea! Chelsea!
0:15:28 > 0:15:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:37 > 0:15:40This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know nothing about.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42There's a mystery guest who's been in the news,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I have to figure out who it is. So please welcome my mystery guest.
0:15:45 > 0:15:51APPLAUSE
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- How are you?- Good, how are you?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- Very well. What's your name?- Luke.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Thanks very much, Luke.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02This would appear to be your bedroom.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05But I'm slightly worried about this. Can I show the audience this?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08LAUGHTER
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I'm fairly worried you're going to be some kind of record breaker.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:15In fact, it's a miracle you can shake my hand.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21There's food here. Does it have anything to do with cookery?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23It does.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- Are you a cook? - I am, I cook for a living.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- For a living? How old are you?- I'm 19.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Wow, you look a lot younger. That's great.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Where do you work?
0:16:34 > 0:16:35I have a restaurant.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39You've got a restaurant? Wow, that's amazing!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42A minute ago, honestly, I thought you were 14,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44and it was going to be a story about wanking.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46LAUGHTER
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Turns out you're a really successful businessman.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53- So why are you in the news? - I'm Britain's youngest head chef.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Wow! Come on.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57APPLAUSE
0:17:00 > 0:17:03What's your favourite dish? If you could cook one thing right now.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06My signature dish is a take on a curry.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I really like simple food, but to deconstruct it.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12So it's pan-fried scallops with a mussel curry.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Really nice interpretation of a curry dish.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Oh!
0:17:16 > 0:17:20- Sounds amazing, but you'd never be able to order that at a takeaway.- No, no.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22"I'm after an interpretation of a curry dish.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24"I think they've hung up."
0:17:24 > 0:17:26LAUGHTER
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Was your mum really annoyed with you at 13, "Shall I do it, Mother?"
0:17:30 > 0:17:32"Or do you want Mum's Sunday dinner?"
0:17:32 > 0:17:34"No, because it tastes like rat shit."
0:17:34 > 0:17:36LAUGHTER
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- Yeah, I know, she won't cook for me any more.- Of course she's not!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43So, here's a question for you. Have you ever eaten from a bin?
0:17:43 > 0:17:44LAUGHTER
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- I haven't yet.- Me, neither. - Not quite yet.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER
0:17:49 > 0:17:51You've never done that, not drunk?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- No, I haven't. - It's an awful moment. I did it.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57You know when you're really hungry, and your brain goes,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59"You know what you've got left over from yesterday."
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Yeah!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03And it turns out your brain was fucking lying!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06LAUGHTER
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Am I going to have a go at some cooking?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- I am going to teach you how to cook, yes.- I'm looking forward to that.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:15 > 0:18:17What are we going to do?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21You're going to recreate this dish - banana flambe with pancakes.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Ohhh!
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Did you hear that noise over there?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Come here and show your face to the camera. Come here.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Run on. Show everyone. Come here.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35You have to literally... Look at the face. Look right down the camera.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Look at his face when you say banana flambe. Do it again.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Unbelievable. Well done.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48APPLAUSE
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- Have you ever made pancakes before? - Er, yes.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I don't want to brag, but just before the lady ate them, she said,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56"I can die happy," and took her own life.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58LAUGHTER
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Tip the pancake mix into the pan.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Not all of this, I'll tell you when to stop.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Little bit more. Stop.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- OK.- Yeah, yeah, right.- Move the mixture right around the pan.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I'm mixing, I'm moving, yeah!
0:19:10 > 0:19:15- Right. Get the spatula and get ready to turn it.- Just tease it.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- Exactly.- It smells good.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Right, OK. Give it a little shake.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23You're going to flip the pancake now. Have you ever flipped it before?
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Yeah. Wahey!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Now, flambe bananas. Peel one banana.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Shit!
0:19:35 > 0:19:37LAUGHTER
0:19:37 > 0:19:41When has that happened? When have I ever not been able to peel a...?
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Oh, I've done it again!
0:19:44 > 0:19:45What is wrong with me, man?!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Then take your knife and we'll slice the banana.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Yep. That's right. Yeah.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Caramelised banana, so sugar into the pan.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- About half of that sugar. - Really? That's a lot.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57That'll do.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Bananas go straight in. - Bananas go in now?
0:20:00 > 0:20:01- Yeah.- Do I just faff them about?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Give the pan a little shake.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05OK, perfect.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Two knobs of butter in there.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- Who came up with that? Why is it called a knob of butter?- No idea.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13It's weird though, eh? Like a wang of cream.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16LAUGHTER
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Now time for the brandy.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21So take about a shot of brandy, and stand back when you put that in.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24LAUGHTER
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Careful when you do it - stand back.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Give it a little shake,
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Whoa!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32APPLAUSE
0:20:36 > 0:20:38How wonderful a crowd are you?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40You literally applauded fire.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43LAUGHTER
0:20:44 > 0:20:46"How did that happen?!"
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Let's put the pan onto here. Now your turn.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I've got to make it look like that? Right!
0:20:52 > 0:20:58AUDIENCE GIGGLES GENTLY
0:21:03 > 0:21:04There you go.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06LAUGHTER
0:21:06 > 0:21:08It's this bit. That looks hot, doesn't it?
0:21:08 > 0:21:12I can put a little bit more over the top.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Come on, we're not driving. It's fine.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER
0:21:17 > 0:21:19That looks pretty bloody good, that.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- It's certainly different. - It's different.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26It looks a little bit like a Picasso.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28I wonder what it means?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I think it means I'm pretty shit at cooking.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33LAUGHTER
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Ladies and gentlemen,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Next up, have you heard about synesthesia?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48It's one of the strangest conditions I've ever seen.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Take a look at this.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53I'm James, I'm 48 and I'm different because I'm a synesthete.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Synesthesia is a blending of the senses. I taste words.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I have flavours when I hear word sounds.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01It's bizarre, isn't it?
0:22:01 > 0:22:05His senses are jumbled, so when he hears a word, he tastes it.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Yeah, yeah - it's true.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11He must hate arguments. "You're such an arsehole!"
0:22:11 > 0:22:16HE GAGS
0:22:16 > 0:22:17"You can suck my dick!"
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- GAGGING:- Oh, God! Oh, no!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22"You really take the biscuit."
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Mmm! Hobnobs!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:30It's fascinating, though, isn't it? All jumbled up.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31It's affected every aspect of his life.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Look how he used to choose his friends.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36While at school, I used to choose friends
0:22:36 > 0:22:39on the strength of the niceness of the taste of their names.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Two names I can specifically remember.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46Hannah, which has a got a lovely taste of rhubarb, mmm!
0:22:46 > 0:22:51And Jenna, which tastes a little like a melted wine gum.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Let's hope to God he never meet this guy.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00LAUGHTER
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Rusty?!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06APPLAUSE
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Names mean different things to different people.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11I mean, just look at this dog.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14This is my roommate's dog. His name is Meatwad.
0:23:14 > 0:23:21And I have my own keyword for when I am taking Meatwad on a walk.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24And we're going to watch her reaction to it.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Chicken pot pies.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Burglars.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Everybody in the house is being stabbed to death right now.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Child porn.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37LAUGHTER
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Child porn.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Does that mean we're going on a walk? Child porn? Yeah!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47You probably think it doesn't get any more shocking than that.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Check this out what this idiot did.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50SHE GASPS
0:23:50 > 0:23:51That's the reaction
0:23:51 > 0:23:56when people learn how a man tried to stretch his penis to make it bigger.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01He used a dumbbell gym weight, similar to something like this,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04only it got stuck for three days.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09LAUGHING AND GROANING
0:24:10 > 0:24:14He had his dick stuck in a dumbbell for three days.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15I think this fellow puts it best.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18DOG HOWLS
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Imagine you're in the gym. "Jeff, that is not how you pump iron!"
0:24:22 > 0:24:25He had it on for three days. How did his mates not notice?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27"All right, guys, good night?"
0:24:27 > 0:24:28LAUGHTER
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"Having a good time?" "Bloody smashing, love!"
0:24:31 > 0:24:34LAUGHTER
0:24:36 > 0:24:40"What? I always dance like this. What are you talking about?"
0:24:40 > 0:24:43LAUGHTER
0:24:43 > 0:24:45"I don't fancy trampolining today."
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Imagine if they found out.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51How much fun would you have with a magnet? Whoa!
0:24:51 > 0:24:53"Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!"
0:24:54 > 0:24:56So how did they get it off?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Did they rub it in Vaseline till it gently slipped away...
0:24:59 > 0:25:01from his frightened wang?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Oh, no.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07The fire department was called in to the ER.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09The only way they could get the weight of the man's penis
0:25:09 > 0:25:11was to saw it off.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14AUDIENCE GASPS
0:25:14 > 0:25:19We all know what that bloke got when the firemen pulled the saw out.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Liquid ass.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Here's an inspiring story about a little kid with a big message.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32This internet video by nine-year-old Robby Novak
0:25:32 > 0:25:34has been viewed 12 million times.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36This is your time. This is my time.
0:25:36 > 0:25:41He plays the role of Kid President, giving the world a pep talk.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44The world needs you to stop being boring. Yeah, you.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Boring is easy, everybody can be boring. But you're gooder than that.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51While Robby lives it up on camera,
0:25:51 > 0:25:55it's his life off-camera that is the real inspiration.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- What happened to your finger? - I broke my finger.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Does that happen a lot?
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Mostly arms and legs but this is my first finger break.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Robby has osteogenesis imperfecta,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09a disease that makes his bones brittle.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13He has had more than 70 broken bones and 13 surgeries.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16He has steel rods in both legs.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Do you worry about breaking things?- No.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I don't worry about... That's my point.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I'm trying not to worry about it.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Like, I want everyone to know I'm not that kid who breaks a lot.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30I'm just a kid who wants to have fun.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34At first, the Kid President videos were just for the family,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37but his motivational monologue became an internet sensation,
0:26:37 > 0:26:42and even caught the attention of the real President.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Kid President, it looks like you got my message.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Yes, Mr President, I got your message.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49What do you think when you see yourself?
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- I go, "Wow, it's amazing!" - What's amazing about it?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I just like making the world a better place.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59What a little dude! Damn right!
0:26:59 > 0:27:01APPLAUSE
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Next up, it's time for my stand-up guest.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Please welcome the wonderful Romesh Ranganathan!
0:27:07 > 0:27:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Hello. Very excited to be here.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I know some of you will have seen me come out here,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28pick up the microphone...
0:27:28 > 0:27:30You may have become concerned.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34"Oh, God. Asian comedian.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38"He's going to banging on about being Asian the whole time."
0:27:38 > 0:27:41LAUGHTER Please don't worry. OK?
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Only about 10% of my stuff is actually based on me being Asian.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46LAUGHTER
0:27:49 > 0:27:52The other 90% is based on my issues with white people.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:01 > 0:28:02We should be absolutely fine.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Looking around, I can't help feeling
0:28:04 > 0:28:07there's been a bit of a booking error.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09But I'm just going to say what I've got to say
0:28:09 > 0:28:10and get the hell out of here.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I think that's the safest strategy.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14People say to me, "Romesh, when do you experience the most racism?"
0:28:14 > 0:28:18The truth is, the most racism I experience is actually from my wife.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Right? Because I am married. I don't want to upset anyone in here.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS
0:28:24 > 0:28:28I am married. And my wife and I, we have two small children, yeah?
0:28:28 > 0:28:31We're not kidnappers. LAUGHTER
0:28:31 > 0:28:34We created these children by the traditional means...
0:28:34 > 0:28:36LAUGHTER
0:28:38 > 0:28:40..adoption.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43No, I'm joking. Did it, mate. Did it, yeah?
0:28:43 > 0:28:46And my wife is white, right? I'm genuinely Asian.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48I haven't just browned up for tonight's show.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51And our children are mixed race, right?
0:28:51 > 0:28:53And a game that we've started playing
0:28:53 > 0:28:56is we've started getting our kids to pick a side.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58LAUGHTER
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Right? So whenever we're watching Jeremy Kyle, right,
0:29:03 > 0:29:06I just point at the screen and go, "That's white people for you, kids."
0:29:06 > 0:29:08LAUGHTER
0:29:08 > 0:29:10And whenever we go to an Indian restaurant,
0:29:10 > 0:29:12my wife will go, "Smells like Daddy!"
0:29:12 > 0:29:14LAUGHTER
0:29:17 > 0:29:20It's a little game that we like to play.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22She won that one, to be fair.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24I mean, my wife has... My wife has told me
0:29:24 > 0:29:27she doesn't want me interacting too much with the children, right?
0:29:27 > 0:29:30Because she says I've become anti-social. And I have.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Right, I admit that, I've become anti-social.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Part of the reason is, because I'm in my 30s now, right?
0:29:35 > 0:29:38I don't look as good as I used to, right?
0:29:38 > 0:29:41I know it's hard to believe. I don't look as good as I used to.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43And I know this, right, because, when I was in my 20s
0:29:43 > 0:29:45and I used to go out, my wife would say to me,
0:29:45 > 0:29:48"Make sure you don't talk to any other girls, yeah?"
0:29:48 > 0:29:50Now, when I go out, my wife says to me,
0:29:50 > 0:29:52"See what happens when you talk to other girls, yeah?"
0:29:52 > 0:29:53That's the difference.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56And I've put on weight and I worry about putting on weight,
0:29:56 > 0:29:59because I think to myself, "Oh, God, I look terrible."
0:29:59 > 0:30:01And then I think, "Actually, why should I care?
0:30:01 > 0:30:04"I'm married with kids. I don't need to look good.
0:30:04 > 0:30:08"I just need to look better than the prospect of single parenting."
0:30:08 > 0:30:11LAUGHTER
0:30:13 > 0:30:16I think I can manage that. I think I've got that in the tank.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19And the thing is, right, that my wife,
0:30:19 > 0:30:21she says what she thinks she wants me to hear,
0:30:21 > 0:30:24which is, "I don't care what you look like, darling.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27"I don't care how much weight you've put on.
0:30:27 > 0:30:28"I would love you regardless."
0:30:28 > 0:30:31Right? Now, that is not helpful to me.
0:30:31 > 0:30:32Because I need more rules, not less.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34If I didn't think it would upset my wife,
0:30:34 > 0:30:36I would shit in the living room.
0:30:36 > 0:30:37I need SOME rules.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39I went out...I went out recently.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41I went out with my friends. We're all in our thirties.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43We don't look terrible,
0:30:43 > 0:30:46but what we do look like is shit tribute acts of us in our 20s. Right?
0:30:46 > 0:30:51That is... That is a fact. We went out and I thought myself "Oh, my God.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54"Look at these guys, they're all in their twenties, they look amazing.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57"They look great. Are they going to make us feel bad?
0:30:57 > 0:30:59"Are they going to make us feel like we're on their turf?
0:30:59 > 0:31:03"Are they going to intimidate us?" And the truth is, they ignore us.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Of course they do. Why would they care?
0:31:05 > 0:31:07You see a pride of lions hunting gazelle,
0:31:07 > 0:31:09they're not going to give a shit
0:31:09 > 0:31:11when a three-legged hyena rocks up, are they?
0:31:11 > 0:31:13LAUGHTER
0:31:14 > 0:31:15Why would they care?
0:31:15 > 0:31:18It comes to the end of the night, right, it's been a great night.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20I say it's been a great night. It's been all right.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22I'm stood by the entrance of the bar,
0:31:22 > 0:31:24this absolutely gorgeous girl walks out
0:31:24 > 0:31:28and makes direct eye contact with me and I think, "Hello.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30"This is happening.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33"I can phone my wife, tell her I've still got it."
0:31:33 > 0:31:34This girl walks straight up to me,
0:31:34 > 0:31:38does not break eye contact for a second, says to me, no word of a lie,
0:31:38 > 0:31:39"Taxi for Rachel?"
0:31:39 > 0:31:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:49 > 0:31:50I mean...
0:31:50 > 0:31:53part of the reason that I don't like socialising
0:31:53 > 0:31:56is because of where I live. I live in a place called Crawley.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58- AUDIENCE:- Ooooh.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00LAUGHTER
0:32:00 > 0:32:01Nobody's heard of it(!)
0:32:01 > 0:32:03LAUGHTER
0:32:03 > 0:32:06I recently moved to a particularly rough area of Crawley you may be aware of.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08It's called Crawley.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10When I first moved in, absolutely fantastic -
0:32:10 > 0:32:13the neighbours invited us round for coffee, they're extremely friendly.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Like, almost too friendly.
0:32:15 > 0:32:19Until one day, they battered the shit out of me
0:32:19 > 0:32:22when they found out that I wasn't actually from Secret Millionaire.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25LAUGHTER
0:32:27 > 0:32:30I recently ran over a cat in Crawley, right? It's a...
0:32:30 > 0:32:31NERVOUS LAUGHTER
0:32:31 > 0:32:33All right, chill out. I recently ran over...
0:32:33 > 0:32:36Not deliberately. I'm not a horrible person.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40I ran over a cat by accident, right? It was a horrible thing to happen.
0:32:40 > 0:32:41I mean, it's not great for the cat,
0:32:41 > 0:32:43but for you, as well, it's horrendous.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Trying to get some help with the situation,
0:32:45 > 0:32:48I momentarily forgot that I was in Crawley.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50There are some kids waiting by the side of the road,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53so I went up to them said to them, "Any of you know the owner?
0:32:53 > 0:32:55"Any of you know the owner?"
0:32:55 > 0:32:58One of the kids turns to me and he says,
0:32:58 > 0:33:00"It's a cat."
0:33:00 > 0:33:01LAUGHTER
0:33:01 > 0:33:05Now... my first thought was, "Bloody hell.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08"The owner of this cat is a cat. They've liberated themselves!"
0:33:08 > 0:33:10LAUGHTER
0:33:10 > 0:33:11But it turns out that this kid
0:33:11 > 0:33:14thought he was furnishing me with new information.
0:33:14 > 0:33:19As if I might be sitting by the side of the road, thinking, "Oh, my God!
0:33:19 > 0:33:21"I have hit this bloke so hard..."
0:33:21 > 0:33:24LAUGHTER
0:33:24 > 0:33:26"..that he looks like a cat."
0:33:27 > 0:33:30I was driving along, right, I had my son in the back of the car,
0:33:30 > 0:33:34in the car safety seat. I don't piss about, I do things properly.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36I pulled up at the petrol station, put petrol in the car
0:33:36 > 0:33:39and then I thought, "I can't be bothered to take him
0:33:39 > 0:33:42"out of the car seat while I go in and pay for the petrol."
0:33:42 > 0:33:44It's too much hassle, isn't it?
0:33:44 > 0:33:46I thought, "Just leave him there, while I go and pay."
0:33:46 > 0:33:48That's not bad, is it?
0:33:48 > 0:33:50I mean, he looks like me. He's not going to get abducted.
0:33:50 > 0:33:51LAUGHTER
0:33:51 > 0:33:55I was extremely careful, right? I took my satnav in with me.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58LAUGHTER
0:33:58 > 0:34:00I went into the petrol station, I paid for the petrol,
0:34:00 > 0:34:02I said hello to my Uncle Raj, who was on that night.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04I came back out to the car...
0:34:04 > 0:34:08LAUGHTER
0:34:08 > 0:34:11..and my son was crying his eyes out,
0:34:11 > 0:34:14because he thought I'd abandoned him.
0:34:14 > 0:34:15- AUDIENCE:- Awww.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18And, as a father, that is one of the most heartbreaking things
0:34:18 > 0:34:20that you can see.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22Because it means he's a pussy.
0:34:22 > 0:34:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:29 > 0:34:32It's incredibly disappointing.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34And I've got two children, right?
0:34:34 > 0:34:37I've got the three-year-old and I've got another one.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39And the three-year-old...
0:34:39 > 0:34:41The three-year-old is all right,
0:34:41 > 0:34:44the other one I haven't really formed a relationship with yet,
0:34:44 > 0:34:47because he's just a little crap factory. But it's fine, it'll happen.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50He's just stopped being a baby, right?
0:34:50 > 0:34:52And I don't like going out with babies,
0:34:52 > 0:34:55because when you go out with a baby, it's a conversation magnet
0:34:55 > 0:34:57and I don't want to talk to people. That's the honest truth of it.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00I went out with a baby and what happens
0:35:00 > 0:35:02when you go out with a baby, regardless of how ugly he is?
0:35:02 > 0:35:05Somebody comes up and says, "Oh, he's lovely. How old is he?"
0:35:05 > 0:35:10Now, I don't know why people give a shit how old a baby is.
0:35:10 > 0:35:14Right? Are you going to talk to him about Syria? Like, why do you care?
0:35:14 > 0:35:18And the honest truth of it is, I don't know how old the baby is.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21That's the honest truth. Now, please don't judge me.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23The reason I don't know how old the baby is
0:35:23 > 0:35:24is that the baby's less than one.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28When a baby is less than one, their age changes every bloody month.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30I can't be expected to keep up with that shit!
0:35:30 > 0:35:32LAUGHTER
0:35:32 > 0:35:34I don't want to get it wrong. I've guessed in the past
0:35:34 > 0:35:37and got it wrong, my wife's caught me getting it wrong.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40She came home one day and said to me, "I hear you've been cheating on me."
0:35:40 > 0:35:43I said to her, "What the hell you talking about?"
0:35:43 > 0:35:45She said to me, "I was talking to Debs
0:35:45 > 0:35:48"and Debs said that you've got a three-month-old baby."
0:35:48 > 0:35:51LAUGHTER
0:35:52 > 0:35:56"And I said to Debs, 'Well, he must be a very busy boy.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59"'Because our baby's four months old'."
0:35:59 > 0:36:01Now, what I learned from that, right,
0:36:01 > 0:36:04is that Debs is a fuck-face, right? She needs to...
0:36:04 > 0:36:07LAUGHTER
0:36:07 > 0:36:09She needs to keep her mouth shut, does Debs,
0:36:09 > 0:36:11cos the next time I see her, there'll be a problem.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13You know what I mean?
0:36:13 > 0:36:16My oldest son has recently turned three,
0:36:16 > 0:36:17so he's become a bit of a prick, right?
0:36:17 > 0:36:19LAUGHTER
0:36:19 > 0:36:22I'm not saying that disrespectfully to him. They just all do.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24And so my wife and I are trying to figure out
0:36:24 > 0:36:26a way of controlling this little shithead.
0:36:26 > 0:36:30What she's decided, because she watches Supernanny, right,
0:36:30 > 0:36:32is that we are going to use a naughty step. Unbelievable.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34So this is what we're using, a naughty step.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37The other day, I come out of the living room
0:36:37 > 0:36:41and my son is playing on the naughty step.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43LAUGHTER Now...
0:36:44 > 0:36:48..I don't want him playing on the naughty step, right?
0:36:48 > 0:36:49It's supposed to be a punishment.
0:36:49 > 0:36:54But it does occur to me that if I ask him to move and he says no...
0:36:54 > 0:36:58LAUGHTER
0:36:58 > 0:37:00..what the fuck I going to do?
0:37:00 > 0:37:03I move him of the naughty step, he moves back. Move him off, he moves...
0:37:03 > 0:37:06The only way that I can keep him from the naughty step
0:37:06 > 0:37:11is by sitting there myself and physically pushing him away.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13This works for about half an hour,
0:37:13 > 0:37:17until I realise that my son has put me on the bloody naughty step!
0:37:17 > 0:37:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:23 > 0:37:24People see me with my children, they say,
0:37:24 > 0:37:28"Romesh, you must love children." The truth is, I love MY children.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30Other people's children can burn.
0:37:30 > 0:37:31LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:37:31 > 0:37:34Give a shit about other people's children(!)
0:37:34 > 0:37:37I mean, that's why I used to be a teacher.
0:37:37 > 0:37:38LAUGHTER
0:37:38 > 0:37:40I was a maths teacher.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42I realise I look like a teacher, I can't escape that.
0:37:42 > 0:37:43I wasn't a very good one,
0:37:43 > 0:37:45but it turns out, it doesn't actually matter.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48You can get away with that for quite a while.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50But the problem is, you have Ofsted come in.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53Ofsted come in and observe you, so I had to make sure,
0:37:53 > 0:37:56when Ofsted were in, I was actually doing the job properly, right?
0:37:56 > 0:37:58So I've got learning outcomes up on the board,
0:37:58 > 0:38:01Pythagoras and trigonometry flying all over the shop,
0:38:01 > 0:38:04absolutely nailing this lesson, yeah?
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Kid's got a question on the front row, I'm straight in there,
0:38:06 > 0:38:08"Yes, Timothy?" HE CHUCKLES
0:38:08 > 0:38:09LAUGHTER
0:38:12 > 0:38:15"Have you got a question? How can I help you?"
0:38:15 > 0:38:18And then he'd go, "Why are you being weird?"
0:38:18 > 0:38:20LAUGHTER
0:38:20 > 0:38:23Then I've got to convey to Timothy, without the inspector realising,
0:38:23 > 0:38:25that I am going to fucking end him.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27LAUGHTER
0:38:30 > 0:38:32We had uniform at our school, as they do in many schools.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34And I agree with the principle of uniform.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37My issue with it was they were quite strict about it
0:38:37 > 0:38:40and we had to enforce it. And we had a sixth form at our school.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43Now, talking to sixth-form lads about what they're wearing,
0:38:43 > 0:38:47absolutely not a problem. I've got no issue with that, at all.
0:38:47 > 0:38:51Talking to sixth-form girls about what they're wearing...
0:38:51 > 0:38:54Something I've thought a lot less comfortable about.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57I don't want to have that conversation. It's embarrassing.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59But what I actually found was,
0:38:59 > 0:39:02if I looked at them for long enough, they soon covered themselves up.
0:39:02 > 0:39:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:08 > 0:39:11I left teaching because I don't want to deal with other people's kids.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14But the problem is that, as a parent, you still have to deal
0:39:14 > 0:39:17with other people's kids and you have to deal with their parents.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19And the problem is, as a father,
0:39:19 > 0:39:20when I go out on my own with my kids,
0:39:20 > 0:39:23any other father that's out on his own with his kids
0:39:23 > 0:39:27immediately assumes that we need to be mates,
0:39:27 > 0:39:29that we've got some sort of connection.
0:39:29 > 0:39:33I was attacked by one of these pricks at a soft play centre.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36I'm just there with my two boys, trying to have an innocent afternoon.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38This idiot sees me from the other side of the centre.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41He comes running over. He goes, "Hello there."
0:39:41 > 0:39:46"My name's Michael. This is Sebastian.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49"And we come here on Wednesdays. Don't we, Sebby?"
0:39:49 > 0:39:51HE CHUCKLES
0:39:51 > 0:39:53LAUGHTER
0:39:53 > 0:39:56And I said to him, "Hello there. My name is Romesh
0:39:56 > 0:39:58"and I found these boys outside."
0:39:58 > 0:40:01LAUGHTER
0:40:01 > 0:40:02Job done, isn't it?
0:40:02 > 0:40:04I don't like going out with my kids.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08It's not because of my kids. I love my kids - I think - right?
0:40:08 > 0:40:10The problem is... LAUGHTER
0:40:10 > 0:40:14The problem is that you have to deal with other people's children's shitty behaviour
0:40:14 > 0:40:16and their parents' inability to deal with it.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19And you can't tell off other people's kids, right? People get pissed off.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21But I found a way.
0:40:21 > 0:40:22LAUGHTER
0:40:22 > 0:40:25I'm going to share it with you. I was at the cinema recently.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28This kid was throwing popcorn about, just being a little IDIOT.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31His parents are doing absolutely nothing about it.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33His parents are doing nothing about it, at all.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36So, I thought I would step up, on behalf of the cinema.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38LAUGHTER
0:40:38 > 0:40:41So I got in real close, said to him, "Listen here, you little shit...
0:40:41 > 0:40:44"Pull that again, I'm going to punch you in your fucking face,
0:40:44 > 0:40:46"do you understand me?" LAUGHTER
0:40:46 > 0:40:50Yeah? And then, as his parents approached, and were able to hear me,
0:40:50 > 0:40:54I just went, "And that's why you shouldn't say that to brown people."
0:40:54 > 0:40:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:41:03 > 0:41:04Right?
0:41:04 > 0:41:06THEY apologised to ME.
0:41:06 > 0:41:07LAUGHTER
0:41:07 > 0:41:10Try it, right? You'll have to brown up, but it's worth it.
0:41:10 > 0:41:12LAUGHTER
0:41:12 > 0:41:15I've been Romesh Ranganathan. Thank you very much. Goodnight!
0:41:15 > 0:41:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:16 > 0:41:20Ladies and gentlemen, Romesh Ranganathan!
0:41:20 > 0:41:23Thanks very much for watching Good News. Goodnight.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:38 > 0:41:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:50 > 0:41:54Tell you what, I think that went all right.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56LAUGHTER
0:41:56 > 0:41:58Fuck off, Terry!