0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Thank you.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Thank you!
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello!
0:00:35 > 0:00:39And welcome to Good News! So what's been happening?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Either this bloke has a massive erection or he's hiding a dwarf.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44LAUGHTER
0:00:48 > 0:00:52That is nothing. Did anyone else see that gnome wanking on the news?
0:00:52 > 0:00:57Gnomes, banned for 100 years, have been spotted here at Chelsea.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I think we all know he's Happy.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Now, here's a question.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Did anyone else think that Sky's coverage of the Oklahoma tornado
0:01:11 > 0:01:13was a little bit shit?
0:01:13 > 0:01:17We'll be live to Oklahoma for the very latest on the tornado.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:25The latest, there, from Jeremy Thompson.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:27 > 0:01:28And finally,
0:01:28 > 0:01:32is it me or does Morgan Freeman find Michael Caine a little bit boring?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34They then, in the movie, show you
0:01:34 > 0:01:36how it was done without CGI.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38LAUGHTER
0:01:38 > 0:01:40It was a wondrous thing to sit there.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44We were in the audience last night. I'd never seen it before...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:01:46 > 0:01:50..incredible because they actually show you, you know,
0:01:50 > 0:01:54in the film the police come in and solve how the trick was done.
0:01:54 > 0:02:00- I played a magician... - LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:02:00 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:05 > 0:02:08The big news is, of course, the tragic events in Woolwich.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12The shocking attack on the streets of London.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Two men are shot by armed police after attacking
0:02:14 > 0:02:18what is reported to be a serving soldier.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20It was an awful, barbaric attack. The nation was shocked.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Some left flowers at the scene, some donated money
0:02:23 > 0:02:26for Help for Heroes and then a few morons did this.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30There were attacks on mosques in Kent and Essex.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31What a bunch of dicks!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34"There's been an attack in Woolwich.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36"Let's drive 50 miles away and brick a mosque."
0:02:36 > 0:02:37What kind of logic's that?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40"Fred West killed people in Gloucester.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42"Let's go to Swindon and punch someone!"
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- LAUGHTER - Then it got worse.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Some twats from the English Defence League went to Woolwich to
0:02:48 > 0:02:50"reclaim the streets"!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53There were confrontations in Woolwich between the police
0:02:53 > 0:02:56and a group of around 60 people from the English Defence League.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58CHANTING: E...E...EDL! E...E...EDL!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Utter knobs!
0:03:00 > 0:03:05"We're going to make the streets safer...by fighting!"
0:03:05 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"We're gonna clean up the streets by throwing bricks,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12"hurling bottles and smashing up shops.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16"The only way to stop terrorism is to create more terror!"
0:03:16 > 0:03:19If you want to make Britain a better place for your children,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23it's probably not a good idea to throw bricks at the fucking police!
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Also, does anyone else find it pretty ironic that people
0:03:26 > 0:03:30who hate Muslims turned up looking like they were wearing burqas?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:36 > 0:03:38They're so stupid!
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Some of them can't tell the difference between Islam and Narnia.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER
0:03:46 > 0:03:49"And don't get me started on Mr Tumnus!"
0:03:51 > 0:03:53It wasn't just the EDL being idiotic,
0:03:53 > 0:03:56did you hear what happened on Twitter?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Hundreds of people sent tweets like this:
0:04:00 > 0:04:02And to where they sending it to?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- EDF Energy. - LAUGHTER
0:04:05 > 0:04:11That's right. People were accusing an energy supplier of being racist.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14This poor guy was shitting himself!
0:04:14 > 0:04:15LAUGHTER
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Some tweets were good, though.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Nick Griffin got slammed after a typically bigoted outburst.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32And what was the very first response he got?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:37 > 0:04:41I couldn't have put it better myself!
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Now, one thing we can all agree on, in times of adversity, you need a strong leader.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51David Cameron stepped up and delivered this stirring speech.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54This country will be absolutely resolute in its stand
0:04:54 > 0:04:57against violent extremism and terror.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01We will never give in to terror or terrorism in any of its forms.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"I will work every hour God sends
0:05:04 > 0:05:06"until terrorism is a thing of the past."
0:05:06 > 0:05:09And where was he 24 hours later?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11The Prime Minister has flown off on holiday.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14He has gone to Ibiza with wife Samantha.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16What an idiot!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18The country's on terror alert. He's like,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20# Whoa, I'm going to Ibiza! #
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Pedro, line out the cocktails. Daddy's going to get bollocked.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:27So why has Dave gone on his hols?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Well, he's had a tough time trying to make gay marriage legal.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34The Prime Minister is facing opposition from within his own party
0:05:34 > 0:05:36as the Bill to allow same-sex marriage in England and Wales
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- returns to the House of Commons. - You're telling me.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Loads of Tories were outraged. "It's disgusting!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44"It's appalling!"
0:05:44 > 0:05:46But Norman Tebbit wins my award for overreaction of the week.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Did you see what he said?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:53 > 0:05:55What?
0:06:01 > 0:06:05"Gay marriage may lead to a lesbian Queen."
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I'd love to have seen the Queen's face when she read that!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09"Philip!"
0:06:09 > 0:06:11LAUGHTER
0:06:11 > 0:06:15"It says here that if they pass gay marriage, I'll become a lesbian."
0:06:16 > 0:06:20"Really? Can I watch?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25"Hello? Kelly Brook? I'm sending a cab."
0:06:25 > 0:06:29I tell you what, this is really going to change the Queen's Speech.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31"Britain. I've got an announcement to make.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34"I am off the Crown Jewels.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38"From now on, I shall be known as Your Vagesty."
0:06:38 > 0:06:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:40 > 0:06:41"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
0:06:47 > 0:06:51"Gay marriage will lead to a lesbian Queen"? What? And I suppose it will make Prince Harry do this?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Mind you...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59..if you think what Norman Tebbit said was insane,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02look what this bloke in America did.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05A dog owner sends his pet to be euthanised
0:07:05 > 0:07:07because he thinks his dog is gay.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10The pup was humping another male dog.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14The owner told shelter workers he refuses to have a gay dog.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16AUDIENCE GASPS
0:07:16 > 0:07:21Yeah. He wants his dog to be killed cos he's gay. Poor dog. Yeah!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Imagine him in the pound. "What are you in for?" "Too old. You?"
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"Too fabulous."
0:07:27 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:38"Fetch your bone? Honey, I don't even know your name."
0:07:38 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:42# Fly me to the moon... #
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Don't fret. Luckily, this story has a happy ending.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50A Facebook campaign was set up to try and save the dumped dog
0:07:50 > 0:07:53and luckily, he has been adopted and named Elson.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- CHEERING - All's well that ends well.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Not only that, his new boyfriend loves to be teabagged.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:06 > 0:08:09MUSIC: "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye
0:08:09 > 0:08:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Elsewhere this week, have you seen who fancies being London Mayor?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Eddie Izzard says he's prepared to take the flak
0:08:22 > 0:08:24for wanting to pursue a career in politics.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27In a recent magazine interview, the comedian confirmed
0:08:27 > 0:08:30he will seek the Labour nomination for Mayor of London.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Wow!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Eddie Izzard versus Boris Johnson!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38That could be the most amazing, surreal debate ever.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- I want a party with values. - Reduce crime and disorder.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- Invade Birmingham. - Pelted with pork pies.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Take your buttocks and sell them to the Chinese.- Triangular doo-dah.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- Porkpie hat on a raptor. - Killer rabbit.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- Chicken undertakers. - Beetroot juice!
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- Chocolate Hobnobs. - Macaroon.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54- Cake mix. - Cyborg.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- Tooty.- Badger. - Pigs and squirrels.- Whiff-whaff.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Helicopters!- Bicycles.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- Bonk.- Codswallop.- What? - Flabbergasted.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02- Lipstick.- Pussycat.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- Bisexual hermaphrodite. - Very ni-i-ice!
0:09:05 > 0:09:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:08 > 0:09:10That is a debate we would all watch.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Mind you, if you think those two are odd choices for a mayor,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20check out this story from America.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Robert Tufts might look like your average preschooler
0:09:22 > 0:09:25but this little guy has got more credentials
0:09:25 > 0:09:27than most men ten times his age.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29He's the mayor of his own town.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- LAUGHTER - Yeah!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34A town in America has a four-year-old mayor!
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Imagine his manifesto. "I will be strong on green issues.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41"Or as I call them, bogies."
0:09:41 > 0:09:42LAUGHTER
0:09:42 > 0:09:46"I'm going to give the economy a Boost and if it's really nice, a Twix."
0:09:46 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Imagine him in debates.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55"This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home
0:09:55 > 0:09:57"but it still claimed benefits and that is bullshit."
0:09:57 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Or maybe he went, "If you don't vote for me, I'll tell everyone you touched me."
0:10:05 > 0:10:07LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:11You can't have toddlers running a city.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14They won't be able to handle complicated issues like crime and finance.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Some of them still can't get their heads around how ball machines work.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23LAUGHTER
0:10:23 > 0:10:25"How are they appearing?"
0:10:25 > 0:10:29From a toddler mayor to a really lazy bastard.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Some bloke in America has been paying another man in China
0:10:33 > 0:10:35to do his job for him.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40A US computer programmer actually outsourced his own job to China
0:10:40 > 0:10:42so he could goof off at work.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44He paid the Chinese programmers about one fifth
0:10:44 > 0:10:48of his six-figure salary while he surfed the internet.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51That is unbelievable!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I, Russell Howard, would never do that!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Did you see what he was doing at work instead?
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Bob devoted his work time to Facebook, Reddit,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05eBay and cat videos. LAUGHTER
0:11:05 > 0:11:08In fairness, they are funny.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15LAUGHTER
0:11:17 > 0:11:19That was great fun!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24This next story's amazing.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Check out who the Germans are sending into space.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30German porn star Coco Brown
0:11:30 > 0:11:34is training to be the first porn star in space.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37They're sending a porn star to space!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Fair to say, her co-presenter - little bit excited about this story.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Oh, my God! It's a porn star in space!
0:11:43 > 0:11:48You think he's happy? Check out how the astronauts felt.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51LAUGHTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I'd love to see the moment she met up with them.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56The other astronauts, "I trained for hours in zero gravity."
0:11:56 > 0:11:59"I have a degree in astrophysics. What's your special skill?"
0:11:59 > 0:12:00And her just going,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02"Pass me that ping-pong ball."
0:12:02 > 0:12:04HE MIMES TO TUNE OF THE BLUE DANUBE
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Christ, there'll be aliens at the windows like this.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17LAUGHTER
0:12:17 > 0:12:22My favourite part of the story is the way this reporter sums it up.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25If you're worried about how she's going to do
0:12:25 > 0:12:28and if she's going to be all right, she's already been in German porn.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Believe me, she can take it.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Aargh!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34LAUGHTER
0:12:34 > 0:12:36That is such a window into his life.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38LAUGHTER
0:12:38 > 0:12:40"She can take it!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"I once saw a German girl shag so many men,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"by the time she had finished, she had a..."
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- Liquid ass. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Mind you, if you think porn in space is bizarre,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54have a look where it appeared in New Zealand.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Families watching Prime TV this afternoon got a shock
0:12:57 > 0:12:59when the grassroots rugby show they were watching
0:12:59 > 0:13:02was suddenly replaced by hardcore porn.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07An Auckland woman watched in disbelief as the rugby turned to Desperate Blackwives Two.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09There you go.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:15"There you go!"
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Porn interrupted a rugby game.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Imagine that moment. "Come on! Score a try!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23"You can...holy shit!"
0:13:23 > 0:13:26LAUGHTER
0:13:26 > 0:13:28"Well, that is not how you do the Haka!"
0:13:28 > 0:13:31LAUGHTER
0:13:31 > 0:13:33"Do you think she's going to be all right?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36"Yeah, mate. She's been in German porn.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- "She can take it." - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:44 > 0:13:46It is outrageous though, isn't it?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Showing porn in the middle of a TV show.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51For Christ's sake, you're here to entertain, not show random bits of film. I would never...
0:13:51 > 0:13:54From the makers of Cock the Week
0:13:54 > 0:13:59and Big Fat Jizz of the Year comes Russell Howard's Wood News.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01HE MOANS
0:14:02 > 0:14:04LAUGHTER
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I was very young and I needed the money.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Go to the music. Go to the fucking music!
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Next up, big religious news in Russia.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29When you hear the words Christian music,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31images like this might come to mind.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33CHORAL SINGING
0:14:34 > 0:14:37But the Church has decided to get with the times.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41The Tulskaya diocese has decided to allow its younger members
0:14:41 > 0:14:44the opportunity to have their voices heard
0:14:44 > 0:14:47and the way they've decided to do this is by rapping.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Yeah. Basically they're getting rid of hymns and replacing it with rap.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Imagine that.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53# When I say "Jesus" you say "yeah"
0:14:53 > 0:14:56# He looked like a Bee Gee and he had good hair
0:14:56 > 0:14:57# Judas betrayed him but he don't mind
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- # Cos he can turn water into- BLEEP- wine
0:14:59 > 0:15:02# In the name of the Father the Ghost and the Son
0:15:02 > 0:15:04# I baptise all the bitches and I shoot my gun
0:15:04 > 0:15:06# I got loads of gold and a massive rod
0:15:06 > 0:15:08# Now go in peace and thanks be to God.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:12 > 0:15:15It would be quite cool...
0:15:16 > 0:15:20..but I don't think it's going to work cos rap and religion, bad idea.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Believe me.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- # Well, I wrote this song for the Christian youth...- Lovely.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- # I want to teach kids the Christian truth...- Sweet.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30# If you want to reach those kids on the street
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- # Then you've got to do a rap to a hip hop beat...- Gentle.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- # I gave my sermon an urban kick... - Ooh!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- # My rhymes are fly...- Eee! - My beats are sick...- Lovely!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40# My crew is big and it keeps getting bigger
0:15:40 > 0:15:43# That's cos Jesus Christ is my nigger. #
0:15:43 > 0:15:45SHOCKED LAUGHTER
0:15:48 > 0:15:51APPLAUSE
0:15:51 > 0:15:53What?!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02How did he possibly think that was going to be OK?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04LAUGHTER
0:16:04 > 0:16:08If you create something that shocking, don't film it!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10If I did something awful, like, I don't know,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13let's say I made a film where some girl did me up the jacksie with a strap-on,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I would never show that, you'd keep it hidden.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:20HE GROANS
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Mm! Liquid ass!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:33 > 0:16:36All right, I was a little bit older but I still needed the money.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47There's going to be a mystery guest who's been in the news and I need to figure out who that is.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49So please welcome my mystery guest!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- Hello.- How are you? - Very well indeed. How are you?- Good.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- What's your name?- Norman. - Norman. Right.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06It would appear to have something to do with birds. Um...um...
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Let me think, have a look-see.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- Erm, is it to do with parrots?- No.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- Canaries?- No.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Budgies?- Yes.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Right.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Why have you been in the news?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Are you the world's best budgie...
0:17:22 > 0:17:25No. Not the world's best budgie, no.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27LAUGHTER
0:17:27 > 0:17:30I've got to show you some love. Shake my hand. That was a good gag!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33That's a firm grip! How many budgies have you killed?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36HE CHIRPS
0:17:36 > 0:17:38You're not the world's best budgie killer?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I'm just going to kill a load of budgies with a hammer!
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- Have you ever killed a budgie? - No, no, no, no. My dog did.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Your dog killed a budgie. - It got stuck in his throat.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- LAUGHTER - Right. OK.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52LAUGHTER
0:17:54 > 0:17:56APPLAUSE
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Do you have the most budgies in the world?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05LAUGHTER
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- I actually work in a circus. - You work in a circus?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11It must be a pretty shit circus.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14"Behold the budgie!" Not elephants, just budgies?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17We're not allowed elephants in the circus nowadays.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19We have domesticated animals.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- Horses, ponies and the budgies. - And the budgies.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- So why have you been in the news? - Why have I been in the news?- Yes.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28I've been voted the world's longest-living ringmaster!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:33 > 0:18:34So...
0:18:36 > 0:18:39..did you know from an early age that you could be a master of the ring?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Well, the first time I went into the ring was in 19...
0:18:45 > 0:18:48LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:18:48 > 0:18:50APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:53LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- I can't say anything around here, can I?- I know.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02It wasn't even legal then!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04LAUGHTER
0:19:04 > 0:19:09Now, ha-ha! The first time I performed...
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- In the ring! I know! - LAUGHTER
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- The first time you leapt in the ring doesn't work.- Ha-ha!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17What word are we looking for?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- The first time I entertained in the ring?- Yeah.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:25The first time I went in the ring was in 1948.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Then you go. You've been in the ring since 1948!
0:19:27 > 0:19:28LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:32I feel like I'm talking to my future self. It's amazing.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34You mean to say you're going to look like me?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I hope I look like you. You're a good-looking man. How old are you?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Me? 77.- There you go!
0:19:40 > 0:19:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:42 > 0:19:44You're looking all right on it.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- Have you had any awful incidents happen?- Of course you do, at times.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51You know, they sometimes attack.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- But you'll see them in a... - Budgies attack?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Yeah. Oh, yeah!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Have you got any diva budgies that just cos they're sort of glamorous
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- you have to deal with them? - Yeah. Of course.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Who's your biggest diva? What's her name?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- Actually, they're all male budgies. - Oh, right.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08All male and two of them have paired up.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:13That's fine, it's the '90s.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER
0:20:15 > 0:20:18I'm going to introduce you to the budgies and run a budgie circus.
0:20:18 > 0:20:23Get in! Let's do that! We're going to run a budgie circus.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:27 > 0:20:30So, Norman.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34First of all, I think I look a bit like Boris Johnson's sperm.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36LAUGHTER
0:20:36 > 0:20:38You could say that, couldn't you?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40So what are we going to do with these critters?
0:20:40 > 0:20:45- You're not frightened of them, are you?- A little bit, yeah. I want to hit them.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47I want to hit them but my instinct says kill.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:51You never know what they might do to you.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55But if they do that to me I'll put them on a George Foreman grill.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I'll show you a couple of tricks
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- and you will have to do the next one.- Gotcha!
0:20:59 > 0:21:03I've gotcha but listen, you got to learn this one. It's a twist.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- You've got to pick up, put him on the other hand, like that.- Sexy.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Let him down. You have a go at doing that.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- OK. There you go.- Pick him up. Put your hand up to him.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Be brave. Be positive.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Right. Positive.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Put him on your other finger. Above it. Above it.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21No, in front of it.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23There. There, like that.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:28 > 0:21:32- I was just there!- I'll show you again. Watch this, watch this.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Right. Pick up.- Yeah.- Now, straight in front of him, like that.- I see.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Now you have a go. Turn around. Sitting in the wrong place.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- Sit down. Good boy. Sit down. Pick up. Don't go like this.- No, no.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44LAUGHTER
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Positive! Strong!- I will!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49You're a big, strong man.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Dealing with budgies!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53LAUGHTER
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- Oh, let me do it.- You're going to do it. You're doing well.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Right in. Push your hand in.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Push your hand in. Go on, go on.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Go on!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04LAUGHTER
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- Yeah! - APPLAUSE
0:22:11 > 0:22:13I'll show you a couple of things they can do.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16My lords, ladies and gentlemen.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20The fabulous budgie trainer, Russell Howard.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Off you go, here we go. Let's get going. Here we go.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35That's it, off you go.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39APPLAUSE
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Now you stand over the other side.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Right, you chase them up. - Hurry up, hurry up. Come on.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Not too much. That's it, you're doing well.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Keep going. Come on, hurry up. Hurry up.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Right. Sit down there. Oi! Come on, come on!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Come on, just get them to sit down.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - How do you stop them doing this?
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Stand at the other end then they come down. Come on, guys.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Come on, guys. Hurry up. That's the one. Come on, come on. Hurry up.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11LAUGHTER
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Up the top. There we go. There they go!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:21 > 0:23:24SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30And the wonderful budgies!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:36 > 0:23:43Next up, have a look at what the Dutch equivalent of Jonathan Ross did on prime-time TV.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52You think it's shocking hearing about it? Wait till you see it!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54AUDIENCE GROANS
0:23:57 > 0:23:59AAA...
0:23:59 > 0:24:02..AARGH!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04He drank tit milk!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08It wasn't just me that was shocked, even her baby was terrified!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11LAUGHTER
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Some even rang to complain!
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Christ, only one person sums up how I feel.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Ain't nobody got time for that!
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- Yes! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:28 > 0:24:31You would never catch me showing something that disgusting on TV.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34For Christ's sake, families could be watching...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I don't remember filming that one!
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Now, an inspirational story about an artist called Barry West.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Seeing Barry West at work, it's the precision
0:25:08 > 0:25:11and patience which is at first extraordinary.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Then he tells you he's only been mouth painting for 18 months.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18It started out just trying out a little stick drawing,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21just as a bit of fun.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Then it went from there, really, and thought,
0:25:23 > 0:25:26"I'm getting some really nice comments back
0:25:26 > 0:25:28"after putting some on Facebook."
0:25:28 > 0:25:30And I just went more and more and
0:25:30 > 0:25:33thought, "I want to practice more and more. I like these comments!"
0:25:33 > 0:25:37His progress means his designs could now be sold
0:25:37 > 0:25:39around the world on cards, calendars and as prints,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42through the Association of Mouth and Foot Painters.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44It's quite an achievement
0:25:44 > 0:25:48but Barry is used to doing what he sets his mind to.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52His car crash at 19 left him unable to use his legs or arms
0:25:52 > 0:25:56but in the 16 years since, he's been skydiving,
0:25:56 > 0:26:00become a qualified scuba diver and scaled Ben Nevis.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02He doesn't just take part
0:26:02 > 0:26:06but is also a team leader on various expeditions.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08When I was able-bodied and you think,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11"I want to go and do something," you know, you can do it next week,
0:26:11 > 0:26:16the week after, and you think, "I'll get round to it."
0:26:16 > 0:26:21But where I've had a lot of my physical ability taken away where I've only got the use of my head,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24now I think, "How can I do that?"
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Last year he carried the Olympic Torch through Rye.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29The Paralympics, he says,
0:26:29 > 0:26:33has made a real difference to people's perceptions of those with disabilities
0:26:33 > 0:26:35and he hopes he can help those struggling,
0:26:35 > 0:26:39as he did for years, to come to terms with spinal injuries.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42We're not programmed in to know how to cope with living in a situation
0:26:42 > 0:26:46with just the use of your head, and I didn't think it was possible.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49So hopefully, some of the things I've gone through
0:26:49 > 0:26:54and I've done will help other people in my position to believe in their self.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55There you go.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Now it's time for my stand-up guest.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04This man is not only very funny, but - pretty exciting -
0:27:04 > 0:27:07he's also a geography teacher, so...
0:27:07 > 0:27:08- Yeah! - MURMURS OF APPROVAL
0:27:08 > 0:27:12So please welcome Mr Mark Cooper-Jones!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Hello, I'm Mark.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25CHEERING
0:27:25 > 0:27:27AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oo-oo!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29LAUGHTER
0:27:31 > 0:27:34I'd like to start by clearing up that is Mark with a K,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36not Marc with a C.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39You see, Marcs with a C lack the solid dependability
0:27:39 > 0:27:41that the K offers.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44There's no debate with a K. It's a "K" sound.
0:27:44 > 0:27:49With a C, you have to decide - is it a "K" or an "S" sound?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Is it insect...
0:27:51 > 0:27:52or incest?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55LAUGHTER
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Of course, in the case of the Cornish stag beetle, there's little difference.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Is it Cillit Bang, or Killit Bang?
0:28:13 > 0:28:14Chitchat...
0:28:14 > 0:28:17This is the sort of ambiguity
0:28:17 > 0:28:19that Marcs with a C have to live with every day.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Now, my second name is Cooper-Jones,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24which does begin with a C, but if you were unsure of how to pronounce
0:28:24 > 0:28:26this particular C, you may call me Mark Super-Jones,
0:28:26 > 0:28:28which is in no way an issue for me.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Whilst we're on my name, I'd like to tell you a quick story.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36"Hello, I'm Mark," is possibly one of the simplest things you'll ever hear.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Now, I was introduced to somebody recently who said his name was Gavin.
0:28:40 > 0:28:45So I said, "Hello, I'm Mark." And he said,
0:28:45 > 0:28:46"Bark?"
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Now, Mark is a fairly common name.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55I'm sure many of you know a Mark, or if you don't,
0:28:55 > 0:28:58you're at least au fait with the name Mark.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00But Gavin somehow thought it would make far more sense
0:29:00 > 0:29:02if I'd been named after the outer layer of a tree.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Of course, he may not have misheard me at all.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10He could simply have been giving me an order.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Although it's not something you'd expect to be asked to do
0:29:15 > 0:29:16on being introduced to somebody.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18"Hello, I'm Mark." "Bark."
0:29:21 > 0:29:22"No."
0:29:26 > 0:29:29So I can tell that just by looking at me,
0:29:29 > 0:29:32a lot of you presume I was educated at some kind of a posh,
0:29:32 > 0:29:36all-boys private boarding school where buggery was commonplace
0:29:36 > 0:29:39and you were forced to join the cadets, but actually,
0:29:39 > 0:29:42I managed to get out of the cadets after a year.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46When I wasn't at boarding school, I grew up in Lincolnshire -
0:29:46 > 0:29:48the second largest county in the UK,
0:29:48 > 0:29:51and very few people know where it is.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54It is so boring, so little happens there,
0:29:54 > 0:29:58that Wikipedia describes its drainage system
0:29:58 > 0:30:00as "fascinating".
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Then I went to university, where I studied geography,
0:30:06 > 0:30:09and I soon realised, studying geography, there was only really
0:30:09 > 0:30:12one career path available to me, and that was teaching.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15You see, learning geography leads to teaching geography.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17The only reason people teach it
0:30:17 > 0:30:20is to create more geography teachers.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25It's like a sick self-fulfilling prophecy.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28And nobody here is allowed to heckle colouring-in,
0:30:28 > 0:30:30because the correct term is in fact "shading".
0:30:31 > 0:30:35But there's this stereotype about geography teachers that they're
0:30:35 > 0:30:38often in the school to do something besides just teaching geography.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41People assume that because your subject is broad,
0:30:41 > 0:30:44that your skill-set is equally broad, so when I got asked
0:30:44 > 0:30:46a couple of weeks before the end of last term
0:30:46 > 0:30:50to go down to the junior school and dress up as Shakespeare for the day,
0:30:50 > 0:30:55I thought to myself, "I've finally earned the respect of my department."
0:30:55 > 0:31:00I had to talk to some six-year-olds, which can be quite intimidating, because they're very curious,
0:31:00 > 0:31:02but I had a script I had to learn, and it began like this.
0:31:02 > 0:31:06"Hello, I'm William Shakespeare and I was born in 1564
0:31:06 > 0:31:10"in Stratford-upon-Avon. My father, John, was an alderman."
0:31:10 > 0:31:13At this point, the first hand went up. "What's an alderman?"
0:31:13 > 0:31:17"Good question. Er, an alderman is what my father was."
0:31:20 > 0:31:24The teacher who was accompanying them then chipped in at this point and said,
0:31:24 > 0:31:27"An alderman is actually someone who's quite respected in the town."
0:31:27 > 0:31:31Shakespeare's authority has now been undermined by a primary school teacher, ladies and gents.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33I managed to get back on track, and later on
0:31:33 > 0:31:36I got another difficult question. "How many plays did you write?"
0:31:36 > 0:31:40"40," I answered confidently, and I even followed it up with,
0:31:40 > 0:31:42"because I wanted it to be a round number."
0:31:44 > 0:31:48The primary school teacher who was accompanying them again chipped in and said, "It was actually 37."
0:31:48 > 0:31:51I congratulated myself on getting that close.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55But I wasn't going to be undermined a second time, so I said,
0:31:55 > 0:31:59"No, it was 40 - you just haven't found three of them yet."
0:32:10 > 0:32:12But I loved geography. I really loved the subject.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14You get to use lots of great geographical words.
0:32:14 > 0:32:18- My favourite geographical word is... - HE SPEAKS IN GRUFF VOICE:- ..orogeny.
0:32:18 > 0:32:19- Spelt with an O. - GRUFF VOICE:- Orogeny.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22It means the forming of mountains, but you have to use that voice.
0:32:22 > 0:32:23- GRUFF VOICE:- Orogeny.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26- Can we all try that on three? One, two, three.- AUDIENCE: Orogeny.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28Oh, that is filth.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35The problem with geography is it's not that impressive a subject.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38It's not perceived as impressive. If you're at a party,
0:32:38 > 0:32:42it's very hard to impress people by, say, listing all of the US states
0:32:42 > 0:32:44in alphabetical order in under 20 seconds.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47For example...
0:32:47 > 0:32:49Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado,
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois,
0:32:51 > 0:32:53Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland,
0:32:53 > 0:32:55Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri,
0:32:55 > 0:32:57Montana, Nevada, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico,
0:32:57 > 0:32:59North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon,
0:32:59 > 0:33:02Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah,
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06It's just not that impressive.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:14 > 0:33:16That says 18.00.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19That is a new personal best, with which I am delighted.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21CHEERING
0:33:21 > 0:33:22Thank you.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28Can all the single people in please raise their hands for me?
0:33:28 > 0:33:30A FEW AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER
0:33:32 > 0:33:33I'm not.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Keep your hands up.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40I did see you all, so...
0:33:40 > 0:33:42I'm actually in a lovely relationship.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45I've actually got a girlfriend who loves me quite a lot.
0:33:45 > 0:33:49You single people should try it. Just get in a relationship.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52You'd really enjoy it. Hands up, please.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54Hands up.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56Just all the hands up that were up.
0:33:58 > 0:34:02We're one of those couples who really, sort of, have it all.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04Love, joy, happiness...
0:34:04 > 0:34:07We're the sort of couple you really enjoy spending time with,
0:34:07 > 0:34:12particularly if you're single, because we sort of show you just how good your life could be.
0:34:15 > 0:34:16With this in mind,
0:34:16 > 0:34:19we like to invite all our single friends round for dinner.
0:34:19 > 0:34:20One at a time.
0:34:22 > 0:34:23As often as we can.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27There are some disadvantages to having a girlfriend.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29For example, when they dislocate your jaw.
0:34:31 > 0:34:35What happened is, because I'm quite a lot of fun...
0:34:35 > 0:34:39LAUGHTER
0:34:39 > 0:34:41SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:34:43 > 0:34:45..in the bedroom...
0:34:48 > 0:34:51..I was trying to eat her face, OK.
0:34:51 > 0:34:57Not in, like, a snogging way - in a "your face is now a meal" way.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59So we were just fooling around.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02Fun Mark was really starting to hit his stride.
0:35:02 > 0:35:06If anything, he was too much fun in the bedroom, because his jaw locked open.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Now, this being a fairly serious problem,
0:35:08 > 0:35:12the immediate reaction of those around you is to laugh in your face.
0:35:13 > 0:35:18Especially if those around you were just having their faces eaten by the victim of the dislocation.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21And there's only really one thing you can do in this situation,
0:35:21 > 0:35:24ladies and gents, and that's to go to hospital.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28Now, the waiting room in A&E is never a fun place to be
0:35:28 > 0:35:30at the best of times.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32But when you look like this...
0:35:32 > 0:35:35LAUGHTER
0:35:52 > 0:35:55..there's only so long you can pretend it's just a big yawn.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00ONE AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS DISTINCTLY
0:36:00 > 0:36:03GENERAL LAUGHTER
0:36:05 > 0:36:08So that's one of the big disadvantages to having a girlfriend.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10But in general it's great, being loved, isn't it?
0:36:10 > 0:36:13I think deep down what we all really want is to be loved.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16When I sign off an e-mail "love Mark" - that is an order.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25And one day, whether with my current girlfriend or a future one,
0:36:25 > 0:36:28I would like to have kids, and I think having kids will be
0:36:28 > 0:36:35amazing, because you can essentially just make more people who love you.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41But I don't have any kids of my own at the moment.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44I do obviously work with children, as a teacher.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47I'd like to start with year nines. Year nines.
0:36:49 > 0:36:54It's 13 to 14. This is by far the most pubic year.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58And without a doubt, the least pleasant to teach.
0:36:58 > 0:37:02And in one particular class, there is one particular child
0:37:02 > 0:37:05who the staff refer to only as Smelly Jonathan.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11I don't have to read his name out when I do the register.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14It simply goes, "Harry?
0:37:14 > 0:37:17"James?"
0:37:17 > 0:37:20HE SNIFFS
0:37:22 > 0:37:24"Michael? Is Michael here?"
0:37:24 > 0:37:27"No, sir. He was sitting next to Jonathan in maths
0:37:27 > 0:37:29"and now he's being sick in a drain."
0:37:31 > 0:37:35The boy smells revolting, but recently, I thought I would do the responsible thing.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37I thought I'd have a quiet word with him.
0:37:37 > 0:37:41But talking to a 14-year-old boy about the fact he needs to change his hygiene rituals
0:37:41 > 0:37:44because it's akin to having a three-day-old corpse in your class
0:37:44 > 0:37:46is a difficult conversation to have.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48So I kept it geographical.
0:37:48 > 0:37:52I said, "Jonathan, what's the principal centre of the unitary authority of North East Somerset?"
0:37:52 > 0:37:57"Bath?" "Go home, have one, never enter my classroom again smelling like a favela."
0:37:57 > 0:38:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:07 > 0:38:09I did a training year, obviously, I did a PGCE year.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12You get put in some quite tough schools on your training year.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15Mine were no exception. In south-east London they were very difficult schools.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18A lot of the kids had challenging behaviour. But you have to understand
0:38:18 > 0:38:20that's a lot of them lead difficult home lives.
0:38:20 > 0:38:24However, I could never understand why you would eat a worksheet
0:38:24 > 0:38:26you had been given...
0:38:27 > 0:38:29..and then have the audacity to say the words,
0:38:29 > 0:38:32"I've finished my work, sir."
0:38:37 > 0:38:40My teaching career began with a reception class in a primary school,
0:38:40 > 0:38:43as a teaching assistant. They're aged four to five years old.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45It was loads of fun. They have so much energy.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48There is nothing funnier than a fat child...
0:38:48 > 0:38:50So I began in primary school...
0:38:50 > 0:38:53LAUGHTER
0:38:53 > 0:38:54..and yes, I did have a favourite.
0:38:54 > 0:38:58His name is Peter. His best line of written work read,
0:38:58 > 0:39:02"An egg is cold...
0:39:02 > 0:39:04"..like the sun."
0:39:04 > 0:39:07LAUGHTER
0:39:07 > 0:39:09APPLAUSE
0:39:12 > 0:39:15Possibly the worst analogy I have ever encountered.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17I put it on a wall display.
0:39:17 > 0:39:21There was another occasion when the class were all changing for PE.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24Always a nightmare. The number of five-year-olds who cannot pull down
0:39:24 > 0:39:28their shorts without their pants needs to be addressed by parents.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33And the girl next to Peter had accidentally done this -
0:39:33 > 0:39:37she'd pulled everything down. And Peter's reaction was very sweet.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40He simply went... HE GASPS
0:39:40 > 0:39:41No!
0:39:49 > 0:39:53A lovely child. When I came to leave the school, Peter was a bit upset
0:39:53 > 0:39:56that I was leaving, and I got a bit upset that he was upset,
0:39:56 > 0:40:01until, that is, ladies and gents, he gave me this as a leaving present.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:40:08 > 0:40:11LAUGHTER
0:40:11 > 0:40:15SOME APPLAUSE
0:40:16 > 0:40:17Now...
0:40:19 > 0:40:24..never mind the fact that Mark is spelt not only with a C...
0:40:24 > 0:40:25but with a U!
0:40:26 > 0:40:30Never mind the strange picture of a pink bunny about to commit suicide
0:40:30 > 0:40:32off the top of this house.
0:40:35 > 0:40:36We can even ignore
0:40:36 > 0:40:39the disproportionate size of the tree trunk.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46The picture is of a girl!
0:40:49 > 0:40:52APPLAUSE
0:40:56 > 0:41:01The skirt could have been accidental, but the high heels could not.
0:41:01 > 0:41:06It makes me think our entire friendship was based on a monumental misunderstanding on Peter's part.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09Ladies and gents, that is from all of me. I've been Mark Cooper-Jones.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11You have been absolutely lovely. Thank you very much.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:14 > 0:41:18Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Cooper-Jones!
0:41:20 > 0:41:23Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends!
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Good night!
0:41:25 > 0:41:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:51 > 0:41:53Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:41:53 > 0:41:55Night-night, Britain!
0:41:56 > 0:41:58LAUGHTER
0:41:58 > 0:42:01Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd