0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Thank you.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Thank you very much.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Thank you.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Oh...and welcome to Good News.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37So, what's been happening? Well here's a tip.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39If you're live on air, careful what you say.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- You're going to retire, Sarah Jane? - Yes. This is my last year skating.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44It's a real shame, cos I was thinking...
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Did you see any potential in a threesome kind of thing?
0:00:51 > 0:00:56That's nothing! Did you see George Osborne perving on Susanna Reid?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59The Chancellor himself is here to tell us more.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00LAUGHTER
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Over on Midlands Today,
0:01:03 > 0:01:07this lady wins my award for scariest close-up of the week.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11- Yes, Jeremy, thank you. - Yes, thank you. Now, a decision will be made...
0:01:11 > 0:01:13LAUGHTER
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Aaargh!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Did anyone else see that guy in the House of Commons giving
0:01:18 > 0:01:20advice on how to annoy a cat?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22You get a bit of string, lay it out on the floor,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25you give it a little twitch, and when the cat pounces, you pull it away.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Oh, lovely. And what do you do when you've caught him?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Jesus!
0:01:38 > 0:01:41So what else has been going on? Well, bad news for badgers.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44A controversial badger cull gets under way today in parts of England
0:01:44 > 0:01:47to tackle the spread of tuberculosis in cattle.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49This guy was delighted.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Thousands of people marched through London to try
0:01:54 > 0:01:56and stop the cull, but the best thing,
0:01:56 > 0:02:00halfway through the march, the BNP tried to scare them off.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01And what happened to the BNP?
0:02:01 > 0:02:05They were chased through London by women dressed as badgers!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08How great is that?
0:02:11 > 0:02:12It's amazing.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Huge skinhead bigots were frightened of this lot.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:22It must have been so funny.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24# No surrender! No surrender! #
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Aargh! Badger girls! They're black and white!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I don't know whether to love them or hate them!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36What's black and white and red all over?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39A badger protester kicking the shit out of a racist.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41CHEERING
0:02:44 > 0:02:45It wasn't just girls marching,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Bill Oddie did an interview urging people to ban the cull.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Unfortunately, he got so carried away, I think
0:02:52 > 0:02:53he had an orgasm live on air.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Thank you very much for joining us, Bill.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59First of all, what's your particular objection to this cull?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Oh...
0:03:01 > 0:03:05HE GRUNTS AND MOANS
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Mind you, no wonder he came. I think he was getting a reach-around from a badger.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:14APPLAUSE
0:03:17 > 0:03:20The best thing, thanks to freeze-frame technology, you can
0:03:20 > 0:03:23now spot the exact moment he climaxed.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Oh...
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Oh...
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Geronimo!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33From badgers to the Messiah.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Now, we all know Jesus has appeared in places before.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Frying pans,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40takeaways,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43even dogs' arseholes. But...
0:03:43 > 0:03:45LAUGHTER
0:03:45 > 0:03:49But it turns out, this time, he's really back.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52There's a man living in rural Australia who claims
0:03:52 > 0:03:55that he is Jesus and his wife is Mary Magdalene.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I have very clear memories of the crucifixion, but it wasn't
0:03:58 > 0:04:02as harrowing for me as was for Mary and others who were present.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07An Aussie bloke claims he's Jesus!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Can you turn water into wine?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11No, Fosters.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Christianity, good call!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Imagine the crucifixion.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Fellas, this is not what I meant when I said I wanted to get nailed.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26But Aussie Jesus! How great will be hymns be?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Imagine that on Songs Of Praise.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30# Dance then, wherever you may be
0:04:30 > 0:04:32# Jesus Christ is now an Aussie,
0:04:32 > 0:04:34# I get pissed up and I love a barbie
0:04:34 > 0:04:37# And I cured myself when I got VD! #
0:04:37 > 0:04:39LAUGHTER
0:04:42 > 0:04:44It will be amazing.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48# Give me joy in my heart, I'm an Aussie
0:04:48 > 0:04:50# Give me joy in my heart, thank God
0:04:50 > 0:04:52# I got so pissed on a crate full of tinnies
0:04:52 > 0:04:55# That I fucked my Auntie Carol's dog. #
0:04:58 > 0:05:01It gets so much better.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06So what did he do before he realised he was Jesus? Was he a carpenter? Did he perform miracles?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Oh, no...
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I am the son of God!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Yeah, Tony, just press CTRL ALT DELETE.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Maybe he should go back to IT? He's not exactly the greatest Jesus.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25CONGREGATION SING
0:05:29 > 0:05:31'king brilliant.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Now back in Blighty, while we are talking religion, don't you hate
0:05:35 > 0:05:38it when people interrupt the news with their preachy messages?
0:05:38 > 0:05:43The idea that if Labour were to win power in 2015...
0:05:43 > 0:05:46If you're going to heckle someone, do it properly!
0:05:46 > 0:05:49The idea that if Labour were to win power in 2015...
0:05:51 > 0:05:56Now, from religion to a truly terrifying story from Wales.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01Now, an earthquake has been reported in the area around West Wales this morning.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Holy shit! An earthquake in Wales!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08What kind of devastation did it cause?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11We've got a TV at the end of the bed that nearly fell off its stand.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Nooooooooo!
0:06:14 > 0:06:17His telly nearly slipped!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22It gets worse. Look at this horror.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Everything was shaking, even the...
0:06:25 > 0:06:27hangers in the wardrobe were shaking.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Noooooooooo!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Her hangers were shaking!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37You know what that means?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Her cardigans are slightly crumpled.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47Only in Wales! I love how tiny the complaints are. It was terrifying.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I was frying an egg,
0:06:49 > 0:06:51next thing I knew it was scrambled.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58It was the worst day of my life.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02I don't know why, but there's nothing funnier than Welsh people complaining.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06I mean, have you heard this guy moaning about his pizza. It's beautiful.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45LAUGHTER
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Elsewhere this week, big showbiz news.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00The Time Lord's decided that time is up. The latest actor to play Doctor Who,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Matt Smith, has announced he is quitting the series,
0:08:03 > 0:08:04saying, "When you gotta go, you gotta go."
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Matt Smith has quit as Doctor Who. So who will be the next Doctor?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Well, there have been loads of rumours.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I happen to know who it is going to be.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17TARDIS SOUND EFFECT
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Ha-ha!
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I'm Doctor Who!
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Yeah!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Mind you, it wasn't all good news.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37A badger rocked up and went full Oddie on him.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43But luckily, thanks to freeze-frame technology, you can see the exact moment he climaxed.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Oh...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Oh...
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Geronimo!
0:08:55 > 0:08:59So what else is happening? Well, you can't move for stories about obesity.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02There are calls for tougher restrictions on the food industry
0:09:02 > 0:09:03to try to curb obesity.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- Obesity...- Obesity...
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Obesity...- Obesity... - Obesity...- Obesity...
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Britain is too fat and is getting fatter.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Put the cake down, you chunky gibbons!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Apparently, one third of schoolkids are obese.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18You see the papers - it's appalling, it's shocking,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21and you're like, whoa, calm down! Not all of them are fat.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Some of them are pregnant.
0:09:24 > 0:09:29Let's... Let's have a little bit of respect for the slags.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I... I'm joking.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38The whole obesity crisis is ridiculous.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Have you seen how the Government are trying to deal with overweight kids?
0:09:42 > 0:09:47TV chefs that cook unhealthy meals should be subjected to a nine o'clock watershed.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50That's right, they're going to put cookery shows on after 9pm.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54What, are they going to have warnings? "The following show contains butter..."
0:09:57 > 0:10:00"..and scenes of a sugary nature."
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Mind you, if you think blaming TV chefs is mad, have a look
0:10:05 > 0:10:08at the way they are dealing with tubby kids in Australia.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11A boot camp for toddlers is being rolled out in childcare centres
0:10:11 > 0:10:13in the fight against childhood obesity.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18They've got a toddler boot camp! A toddler... How insane is that?
0:10:18 > 0:10:19"Drop and give me 20!"
0:10:19 > 0:10:22"But I can only count to seven."
0:10:24 > 0:10:27"All right, give me five chin-ups." "OK. One...
0:10:28 > 0:10:31"..two... I'm going to get a liquid arse any second here.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33"Three..."
0:10:34 > 0:10:37It's ridiculous, isn't it? Three-year-olds going to a boot camp?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Mind you, I would love to see their marching songs. Imagine that.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42# I'm dead strong it makes me happy
0:10:42 > 0:10:44# Mummy come here and change my nappy
0:10:44 > 0:10:46# See my muscles start to jiggle
0:10:46 > 0:10:48# I kicked the ass of Igglepiggle
0:10:48 > 0:10:49# These fists could kill
0:10:49 > 0:10:51# Jimmy Savile! #
0:10:51 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Toddler boot camp, it's crazy.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Have you seen the exercises they make them do?
0:11:02 > 0:11:06These tiny tots are put through their paces with bicep curls,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08sprints and star jumps.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Bicep curls? They are three!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14The only exercise you should do when you are three is this.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18When you're toddler, you should be having fun, not down the gym.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Also, how much would that weird you out as a three-year-old in the locker room?
0:11:22 > 0:11:23"Good workout?"
0:11:26 > 0:11:28That's his towel! That was his towel!
0:11:30 > 0:11:31So why are they doing it?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Well, they reckon that toddlers are naturally good at sports,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36to which I say, bollocks.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39BOY YELLS
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Ha ha!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51That kid is shit!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Next stop - over in America, meet a young man with a dream.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04When Kyle McCabe had his "a-ha!" moment on campus last year, he did what any entrepreneur would do,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07he set out to see if there was a need.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11McCabe's business model aims to fill a very specific market.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- I'm the president of CONDAM. - 'That's short for...'
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Condom ambulance,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19which is an emergency contraceptive delivery service.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:12:21 > 0:12:23A few people applauding, nice.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26He is selling condoms for money, so he has called his company CONDAM?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Surely you call it Johnny Cash?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Think it through.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39And if he starts selling tampons, Gash For Gold.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40The point I'm making...
0:12:40 > 0:12:42AUDIENCE GROANS
0:12:42 > 0:12:43..use your brain.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46I love the fact that he puts a siren on his head.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Hello, I'm the condom ambulance! How unromantic is that going to be?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52You're there with your girl and he rocks up.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55"Woo hoo, woo hoo! Hello!
0:12:55 > 0:13:00"I brought your johnnies! Do you want me to put it on?"
0:13:01 > 0:13:03"No. I want you to fuck off."
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Mind you, I'd rather use him than this guy's method.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12I present to you the condom applicator slingshot gun.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Why is he laughing? I will tell you why?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Have you seen how he wants people to apply johnnies?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22You put this over it.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24And then you fire.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I think I speak for the nation when I say FUCK THAT!
0:13:30 > 0:13:32This guy sums it up best.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35HE WAILS
0:13:35 > 0:13:38INDISTINCT
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Baby doll, I'm going to make sweet love to you.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Just pass me the condom gun.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50HIGH VOICE: Shall we just have a cuddle?
0:13:51 > 0:13:55The worst thing... Can we have a look at the photo again? Look at that.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I think he has nicked C3PO's dick.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02From an evil condom to a magical discovery.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04There's a mystery captivating lots of people
0:14:04 > 0:14:06in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10It's not a big mystery. In fact, it's a very, very small one.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13This tiny door showed up about a week ago in the base of an elm tree
0:14:13 > 0:14:15on the park's concourse.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20They find a door in a tree in America and it made the news!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Now, I'd love it if they opened it and Osama Bin Laden was inside.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29But...
0:14:30 > 0:14:34..the best bit - have you seen what Americans have been doing
0:14:34 > 0:14:35with this magical tree?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Like other things that show up in places they normally don't,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41people have come to see the door.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Some leave notes.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I...like...cheesecake.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51"I like cheesecake and licking my own elbow."
0:14:51 > 0:14:54How pissed off would you be if you were living in that tree?
0:14:54 > 0:14:59All right! I get it! You like fucking cheesecake!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01All right, Osama?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Shhhhhhh!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Over in the Norway, a record's been broken.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10A Norwegian crime writer has set the world record for the longest
0:15:10 > 0:15:12ever television interview.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Hans Olav Lahlum, journalist Mads Andersen chatted
0:15:15 > 0:15:18non-stop for more than 30 hours.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Ay-ay-ay-ay... Now, it might have been the longest interview ever
0:15:21 > 0:15:22but it's also fucking boring!
0:15:22 > 0:15:26If you're going to interview someone then surely it's this next guy.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Prepare yourself, my friends!
0:15:27 > 0:15:31This is one of the most brilliantly surreal things I've ever seen.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- What's your name?- My name...
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Oh! Let me tell you my name.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Uh...I'm confused
0:15:36 > 0:15:39because, er, you know,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42like we're supposed to believe in the Ministry, right?
0:15:42 > 0:15:46So is the Church and State supposed to be separate?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I'm confused cos I've never went to school.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55He never went to school. All she asked him was, "What's your name?"
0:15:55 > 0:15:58There's more. There's so much more!
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Feast your eyes on this.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03So, why am I afraid? I'm not afraid.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I'm afraid of the boogie man. Who's the boogie man?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09You figure it out! I'm getting out of here!
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I'm going back to Waterloo where the vampires hang out,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15and I'm going to wear my sunglasses at night. You know why?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Because women show their tits...
0:16:19 > 0:16:23..have short skirts, and then they feel violated when I look at them!
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Why? Because I have sunglasses on and I'm weird.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36Vampires! Tits! Boogie men! He's a genius!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38And just when you think it can't get any madder,
0:16:38 > 0:16:40look how he ends the interview.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45Where are the bums? There's no bums here? Toronto doesn't have bums!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48But Waterloo, they're creating bums. They created me!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Why? I don't know.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Maybe it's the Church.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Talk to the Pope. He knows everything!
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I had it. I'm going to die!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00How can you die when you're dead?
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Oh, wait a second...I'm going to be crucified, right?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I'm not going to raise my voice.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18This is the bit I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20There's a mystery guest who's been in the news,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I have to figure out who it is, so welcome our mystery guest.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Hello! How are you?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- Good, thank you. How are you? - Nice to meet you, my name's Russell.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- Hi. Dominique. - Hey, Dominique. Nice to meet you.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42- So, we appear to be in sort of a travel agents.- Yes, we are.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- OK. Is it something to do with travelling?- Kind of...
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- No, I'm not travelling.- You're not a travel agent.- No.- Why are you here?
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- Do you need a clue?- Yeah! - Do you want to stand up?- Yes.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- Why? What's going to happen to me?- Stand up.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Stand up. Am I going to get spanked or some shit?
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- I'm quite tall.- You are, yeah. So you're quite tall...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- So, er... And there's a basketball there.- Yes.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- So I'm going to put two and two together...- Yes.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15..and say that you throw basketballs at midgets.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- LAUGHTER - No.- Have you ever done that?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21No! That's horrible! I would never do that!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24If were to give you £100,000...
0:18:24 > 0:18:27would you pick up a midget and slam-dunk him?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- No!- 200,000?- May...
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Ha!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34APPLAUSE
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- So, are you a basketball player? - Yes.- Fantastic.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41So why were you in the news specifically?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43I'm part of the GB women's basketball team
0:18:43 > 0:18:46that went to London 2012 and now we're working towards
0:18:46 > 0:18:48going to Rio in 2016.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:53 > 0:18:56How long have you been into basketball?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I started when I was about ten or 11.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I was pretty big so it was, like, yeah, you have to play basketball.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- So are you taller than your dad? - My dad's 6'8.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Ah, that would've been...! I had an image of your dad as a little fella
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- and you going, "That's what time it is!"- No!
0:19:10 > 0:19:14- Can you beat your dad at basketball? - Erm, I think so, yeah.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Is he watching today? I bet he's really furious at home...
0:19:16 > 0:19:22- He's actually in the audience right there.- Is he?- Yeah.- Hiya, man. How are you? I can just see your hand!
0:19:23 > 0:19:27So, erm... Here's a question, actually.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- If you're playing female basketball, do you have male cheerleaders?- No.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36- You should have that.- I think we should start that. Yeah.
0:19:36 > 0:19:41Does that thing not put you off when they go, "Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na..."?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Cos it's like, "Fucking hurry up now, we're getting a bit bored."
0:19:44 > 0:19:47That must really freak you out? Did they originally get a few ducks in,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50"Quack, quack, quack, quack"? That's making it a bit easier.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55- I think you try and block it out a bit and get your game face on and you focus.- What is your game face?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Throw your game face at me. Oh, nice! Nice!- Are you scared?
0:19:57 > 0:20:02I was, actually! Yeah, it was scary and arousing at the same time! It was lovely.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Sorry, Dad.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07That's the trick. Try and flirt with a lady
0:20:07 > 0:20:09who's got a six-foot-eight dad!
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- Are we going to play basketball, you and me?- Yes, I will show you a few things.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15You'll absolutely destroy me! It's going to be amazing!
0:20:15 > 0:20:19No, I'm going to take it slow to begin with. You know, ease in a little bit.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Sorry, Dad.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22That was her. That was nothing to do with me.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25That was nothing to do with me.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I can feel these eyes just burning into me.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Right, let's go do it.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Now, I've looked at myself
0:20:39 > 0:20:42and I look like I'm trying to advertise a gay sex line.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I think you look pretty good.
0:20:47 > 0:20:52- Right, then, what are we going to do?- OK, first we're going to start off with some dribbling.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Nice.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57So, copy what I do, so right hand... Nice and simple.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Cross over to your left hand. Nice. Don't look at the ball.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Try not to look at the ball.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Which makes it really hard!
0:21:07 > 0:21:11OK! Now we're going to try two balls.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16So you can do it alternating.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24No.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Next thing I want to teach you is just simple passing, so if you could stop kicking the balls!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Can you do this?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Huh! Huh! Hoh!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35(Sorry.)
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Thank you.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41OK, so, simple chest pass.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46You're so powerful!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- OK, now bounce pass.- Nice.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- Are you try to kill me? - Oh, nice! Was that a burp? Lovely!
0:21:54 > 0:21:57LAUGHTER
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Do not put that on TV!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03OK, I'm going to bring out some of my teammates,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- Z and Ella, to play some defence on you.- Excellent.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18ALL: Ooh!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Son of a bitch!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- OK, so we're going to play two-on-two.- Hello, hello!- Hi.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- Two-on-two. We're one team, they're going to play defence.- Lovely.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- Are you ready?- Yup.- So get past us.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32First one to score.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41The basket...!
0:22:42 > 0:22:46- Come on!- We're going to be here for a long time. Oh!
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Maybe get right under the basket and then try and shoot over one of us.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00You've got to score.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- Whoa! - AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Shoot, shoot!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11CHEERING
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Incredible. Thank you so much. That was wonderful.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20Yes! Ladies and gentlemen, the ladies from Team GB basketball team!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:26 > 0:23:31Next up, now, you may think you've got a weird hobby.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33But it's got nothing on this lady.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35It's a comforting feeling.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Her fur is such an interesting texture.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40It's so soft and puffy
0:23:40 > 0:23:42and, like cotton candy.
0:23:42 > 0:23:4715 years ago, Lisa began eating cat hair as a way to feel closer
0:23:47 > 0:23:48to her pets.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50She eats CAT HAIR!
0:23:50 > 0:23:53If you want to be close to your pet, give them a cuddle!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Don't fucking eat it!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Christ, her turds must look like baby Wookies!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Have a look at the clip again.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I love the look the cat gives to the camera. Look at his face!
0:24:09 > 0:24:11He's clearly going, "Are you lot getting this?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"Baby go crazy!"
0:24:14 > 0:24:17She doesn't just EAT cat hair, she takes it a stage further.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21I groom my cat with a tongue, like a mama cat would do to her kitten.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Are you my good girl?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Uuuuuuuurgh! He's a cat, he's not a lollipop!
0:24:28 > 0:24:31If she carries on like that, he'll look like this!
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Poor cat! "I want to commit suicide but I've got nine lives.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39"It'll take fucking ages!"
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Honestly, do you know what I'd do if I were that cat?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Before I got in, I'd just roll around in shit.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53"Lick me now, you crazy bitch!"
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Mind you, she isn't the only one with a freaky habit.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Have you heard about Myleene Klass?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Myleene Klass said this week:
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Everyone! You're telling ME it was everyone!
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Hi!
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Myleene!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Ha-ha-ha!
0:25:18 > 0:25:22And it didn't end there. You'll never guess what, right.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24A bloody badger rocked up...
0:25:25 > 0:25:27..and thanks to freeze-frame technology...
0:25:28 > 0:25:30..you can see what happened.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Oh!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Oh!
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Geronimo!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39APPLAUSE
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Did you see what Myleene said in her defence?
0:25:46 > 0:25:50- What, will they have adverts... - IMITATES DANONE YOGHURT ADS: - # Mmm, Myleene #
0:25:53 > 0:25:57I guarantee you'll be saying that tomorrow. It's so catchy.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58# Mmm, Myleene #
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Next up, a story about a community - this is so lovely -
0:26:06 > 0:26:09coming together to make one little girl's day.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Sometimes all it takes is just one act of kindness to make a difference.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15For a little girl in Virginia battling brain cancer,
0:26:15 > 0:26:17that played out like a fairytale.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Eight-year-old Tara is in the middle
0:26:19 > 0:26:21of a more than year-long round of chemo.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24After telling people she'd always dreamt of being a princess,
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Prince Charming stopped by her house, she put on a princess gown
0:26:28 > 0:26:31and was driven in a horse-drawn carriage
0:26:31 > 0:26:33all throughout her neighbourhood.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35She's laying on my arm and she says, "You know, Tom,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37"my dream is to be a princess."
0:26:37 > 0:26:41And I've said to myself, "We're going to make that dream come true."
0:26:41 > 0:26:44This guy posted asking for a flash mob,
0:26:44 > 0:26:47to have all these people cheer on and stuff.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52Close to 1,000 people, most of which were complete strangers,
0:26:52 > 0:26:57showed up, lined the streets, all there just to cheer her on.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03We heard about this great event and my husband immediately made a sign.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Wow! This is awesome. I never knew I was going to be on TV.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13This is a surprise.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- Thank you. - You're welcome, sweetheart.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22We love you, Princess Tara!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24CHEERING
0:27:24 > 0:27:26How lovely is that?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Next it's my stand-up guest, you're in for a real treat.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36He's really funny, you may have seen him on Have I Got News For You,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39so please welcome the brilliant Mr Matt Forde.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Thank you very much! Hello!
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Hello.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Hello, everyone, I'm Matt Forde. Good evening.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Er, I have a confession to make at the start. I'm a fan of politics.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59I know it's sad, but I enjoy watching Prime Minister's Question Time.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01I don't know if anyone else enjoys watching it.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04What I thought I'd like to do this evening is recreate the magic
0:28:04 > 0:28:06of the House of Commons right here...
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Right here live for you, ladies and gentlemen.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Now, entry-level behaviour in the House of Commons,
0:28:12 > 0:28:14if you haven't seen it, is
0:28:14 > 0:28:17when an MP says something that others agree with, MPs make this noise.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20They go, "Hear, hear, hear."
0:28:20 > 0:28:22I'm sure you can all try that.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24I'll say something that you could barely disagree with
0:28:24 > 0:28:27and if you all join in we will recreate the magic of Parliament.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31"And Mr Speaker, it's long overdue in this country that we
0:28:31 > 0:28:35"had a two-day working week and a five-day weekend."
0:28:35 > 0:28:36AUDIENCE: Hear, hear, hear!
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Feels good, doesn't it?
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Wouldn't it be great to be an MP?
0:28:40 > 0:28:43You understand how fun it is, now, right, guys?
0:28:43 > 0:28:44It's great, isn't it?!
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Now, that's entry-level, you all did very well. Do join in at home.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50The other noise to make is one of disagreement, of course.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53It's one MPs frequently make, so, it's something like, people go,
0:28:53 > 0:28:58"Well, well, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, blah, blah, blah,"
0:28:58 > 0:29:00just like being an extra in the Queen Vic.
0:29:00 > 0:29:01Blah...blah...blah.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03At the wrong end of the bar.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05So, I will say something that perhaps you might disagree with,
0:29:05 > 0:29:07and all just join in afterwards.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10So, I would say something like, "Mr Speaker, it is long overdue
0:29:10 > 0:29:15"but we brought in 100% income tax on everyone earning over £6,000 a year.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18BOOING AND JEERING
0:29:18 > 0:29:20Whoa, tension in the Commons.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22What a thrilling night it is here in Parliament.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Doesn't it feel good?!
0:29:24 > 0:29:28One of my favourite things that happens in Parliament, right,
0:29:28 > 0:29:30is when you get this barracking atmosphere,
0:29:30 > 0:29:33is when MPs will barrack a particular Member of Parliament
0:29:33 > 0:29:37and it's only when they're halfway through a question that everyone else
0:29:37 > 0:29:39realises, "Shit, this is serious."
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Now, I want you all to join in with this.
0:29:41 > 0:29:45I think you'll find the natural flow of when it is you're meant
0:29:45 > 0:29:46to stop and realise at this moment.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49It happened the other week. There's an MP called
0:29:49 > 0:29:52Julian Huppert this sometimes happens to, and they'll ask a serious question.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55What I want you to do is heckle me from the outset,
0:29:55 > 0:29:58while I'm speaking, and you will find, I think, in my question to the
0:29:58 > 0:30:02Prime Minister, the point at which you should probably stop heckling.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05And when this happens, it's electric on TV, all right?
0:30:05 > 0:30:07So, start heckling me, ladies and gentlemen.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09"Mr Matthew Forde." BOOING AND HECKLING
0:30:09 > 0:30:13Well, what the party opposite don't realise, Mr Speaker...
0:30:13 > 0:30:15is that a family in my constituency
0:30:15 > 0:30:17were murdered this week...
0:30:17 > 0:30:18HECKLING STOPS
0:30:18 > 0:30:20LAUGHTER
0:30:20 > 0:30:24Amazing when that happens. You just see loads of MPs go, "Boo... Oh, shit!"
0:30:24 > 0:30:25LAUGHTER
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Remarkable television.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29I think that sort of thing is exciting,
0:30:29 > 0:30:31that's what I like to see in politics,
0:30:31 > 0:30:34but a Labour MP recently said that she didn't think people watched
0:30:34 > 0:30:38Prime Minister's Question Time because it was too much like Jeremy Kyle.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41I don't think I've ever turned on Prime Minister's Question Time
0:30:41 > 0:30:43and seen David Cameron go,
0:30:43 > 0:30:44"And Mr Speaker,
0:30:44 > 0:30:47"the reason why no-one will ever trust the Labour Party
0:30:47 > 0:30:50"again on the economy is because Ed Miliband,
0:30:50 > 0:30:53"the right honourable member's mother, is a slag."
0:30:53 > 0:30:55"Hear, hear, hear."
0:30:55 > 0:30:57Ed Miliband going, "Is she, though? Is she, though?
0:30:57 > 0:31:00"Why lie? Why lie! Don't touch me?!"
0:31:00 > 0:31:02APPLAUSE
0:31:02 > 0:31:04It would be amazing, wouldn't it?
0:31:04 > 0:31:07For me, Ed Miliband, if he wants to be Prime Minister,
0:31:07 > 0:31:09has to answer three massive questions.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12One, how do you deliver social justice in an era where there isn't
0:31:12 > 0:31:14enough public cash?
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Two, how does Britain compete with the emerging markets of Japan,
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Brazil and Argentina?
0:31:18 > 0:31:21And three, what the hell is that voice all about, mate?
0:31:21 > 0:31:24Sounds like Tony Blair with a cold.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Tony Blair would talk like that!
0:31:26 > 0:31:28"Well, look, let's talk about it."
0:31:28 > 0:31:31And as the years went by, and his nose got more bunged up
0:31:31 > 0:31:32and more bunged up, it's,
0:31:32 > 0:31:35NASALLY: "Come ooon, I want to talk about it toooo."
0:31:35 > 0:31:40"Come on guys, look, I want to talk about what's going ooon. Come on.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42"Look, these are big issues, I know."
0:31:42 > 0:31:44It's not a leader's voice, is it?
0:31:44 > 0:31:46And you hear Labour MPs saying,
0:31:46 > 0:31:48"All he needs is a bit of media training." Have you ever been
0:31:48 > 0:31:52on a workplace training programme? You don't learn anything.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Cos the only reason you go is, "Does it mean I can leave work at four?
0:31:55 > 0:31:58"Is someone I fancy going on there?
0:31:58 > 0:32:00"And will there be those M&S buckets of flapjack bites?"
0:32:00 > 0:32:03That's the only reason anyone ever goes on a course.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05You're not going to go on a course and come back a changed man.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08He won't be there one week going, "Oh, guys, come ooon.
0:32:08 > 0:32:09"I want to talk about it.
0:32:09 > 0:32:11"No, please."
0:32:11 > 0:32:13Go off on a course, and come back the following week.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15"Hello, ladies. I'm Ed Miliband.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19"What's that? It's a hook for your knickers!
0:32:19 > 0:32:21"I'm Ed Miliband."
0:32:21 > 0:32:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:23 > 0:32:26It's not going to happen. Sadly.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28Sadly not going to happen.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30He did an appalling radio interview recently,
0:32:30 > 0:32:32where he was asked 13 times about Labour's spending plans,
0:32:32 > 0:32:35and couldn't admit that they'd want to borrow more.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Then he was asked what I would call an "open goal" question.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40The interviewer said, "Ed, you are going up and down the country.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43"What are the major issues that people are asking you?"
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Now, that is an open goal for him to say,
0:32:45 > 0:32:48"Well, look, you know what people are asking meeee.
0:32:48 > 0:32:52"They're asking meeee..." It's just the voice alone!
0:32:52 > 0:32:54"You know what people are asking me?"
0:32:54 > 0:32:58They're saying, in difficult times, 'How can I afford to pay the bills
0:32:58 > 0:33:00'and pay the mortgage?'"
0:33:00 > 0:33:03"They're asking why a government isn't on their side in difficult times."
0:33:03 > 0:33:07"They're asking me what sort of schools will their children be able to go to,"
0:33:07 > 0:33:10and hit the Government hard on areas where they're failing.
0:33:10 > 0:33:11Do you know what he said?
0:33:11 > 0:33:15He went, "Oh, well, erm, oh, I get asked a lot of questions.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17"One the other day was, somebody asked me
0:33:17 > 0:33:21"what I thought about the price of a first-class stamp going up to 60p."
0:33:23 > 0:33:25That's the big issue of the day, is it, Ed?
0:33:25 > 0:33:28Mass unemployment and you're banging on about a postage stamp.
0:33:28 > 0:33:29What on earth?!
0:33:29 > 0:33:33God forbid he gets to the next election, "Ladies and gentlemen.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35"This election is about three major issues.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38"It's about crime, it's about the economy, and it's about ending once
0:33:38 > 0:33:42"and for all the scandal of Kinder Eggs sold without any toys inside,
0:33:42 > 0:33:44"come on!"
0:33:44 > 0:33:46"I've seen this out there."
0:33:46 > 0:33:49One MP, who, to be fair, has given more than his fair
0:33:49 > 0:33:52share of entertainment this year is Chris Huhne.
0:33:52 > 0:33:57He ended up in prison for lying about giving his wife speeding points.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01He then cheated on his wife, uh-oh, and she went to the papers
0:34:01 > 0:34:06and then they both went to prison. It was a remarkable fall from grace.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09I'm a Labour supporter, right. I mean, my idol was Gordon.
0:34:09 > 0:34:10Gordon Ramsay.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13I think it's a real shame that while Chris Huhne was in prison,
0:34:13 > 0:34:15they didn't make the second series of Gordon Behind Bars.
0:34:15 > 0:34:20If you didn't see the first series, it's Gordon Ramsay cooking with prisoners.
0:34:20 > 0:34:21It's an amazing TV show.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24I think Gordon Ramsay is the sort of guy who should be there to
0:34:24 > 0:34:26take men like Chris Huhne down a notch or two.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30He tells it like it is, doesn't he? "Chris, that beef burger is awful.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32"Marks out of ten, I'd give it three.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35"And don't give those points to your fucking wife."
0:34:35 > 0:34:37You tell him, Gordon, you tell him.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47Europe is a major issue now facing all the major parties,
0:34:47 > 0:34:49because what David Cameron has done he has said that we're going
0:34:49 > 0:34:52to have a referendum on our membership of the European Union.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55The only catch is it's going to be in the next four years,
0:34:55 > 0:34:57and he can't tell us which way he's going to vote yet.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59It just seems bizarre, it's the sort
0:34:59 > 0:35:03of panicked leadership you see in Week Six of The Apprentice.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06It's a guy who's been in the boardroom the week before and gone,
0:35:06 > 0:35:09"Please, please, Sir Alan, let me be team leader next week.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12"I swear to you I won't fail this task, I swear to you."
0:35:12 > 0:35:14He's ended up leading the Europe task, he's failed.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16He gets hauled into the boardroom.
0:35:16 > 0:35:20Knowing him, he will take in someone popular like William Hague, as well.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22Try and get him knifed.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24You can just imagine him going,
0:35:24 > 0:35:27"Oh, Sir Alan, I know, technically I was supposed to lead on the Europe
0:35:27 > 0:35:31"task, but I thought William was in charge of the whole messaging."
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Imagine poor William Hague sitting there going,
0:35:33 > 0:35:35"Don't look at me.
0:35:35 > 0:35:40"The last time I took a lead on Europe we got fucking battered."
0:35:40 > 0:35:44The media doesn't help us in this country, does it? I love Sky News.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47I love the way that if they talk like this it sounds like news is
0:35:47 > 0:35:48happening live...on Sky.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52It's the voice of authority, it's incredible.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55They do this thing as well, now, on Sky, they do this,
0:35:55 > 0:35:56I don't know why they do this.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59"Good evening, you're watching Sky News Live at Five,
0:35:59 > 0:36:02"keep those e-mails coming in - news@sky.com."
0:36:02 > 0:36:04Why do people need to get involved in the news?
0:36:04 > 0:36:07It's always inane stuff, isn't it?
0:36:07 > 0:36:09"Good evening, you're watching Sky News Live at Five,
0:36:09 > 0:36:11"keep those e-mails coming in.
0:36:11 > 0:36:12"Danielle in Leicester says,
0:36:12 > 0:36:15"I think the government have got it wrong on fuel tax."
0:36:15 > 0:36:18"Dave in Derby says, "I think the government have got it right
0:36:18 > 0:36:19"with petrol pricing."
0:36:19 > 0:36:22"Keep those e-mails coming in, live on Sky."
0:36:22 > 0:36:24It's just rubbish.
0:36:24 > 0:36:28And it's just total nonsense, because have you been on the Internet?
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Have you seen what people are like out there? People are mad.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32People are angry.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35Read the comments on the Daily Mail website,
0:36:35 > 0:36:38there's no way that only normal people are e-mailing Sky News.
0:36:39 > 0:36:43I think for one night they should just read out all the weird ones.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46Just to satisfy me.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48I would love to turn on Sky News. "Good evening,
0:36:48 > 0:36:52"you're watching Sky News, Live at Five, keep those e-mails coming.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56John in London says, "I'm not being sexist, I think that the
0:36:56 > 0:36:58"two sexes excel at different tasks.
0:36:58 > 0:37:03"Men excel in intellectual leadership roles, women excel at pottering."
0:37:05 > 0:37:10Janice in Newcastle says, "This country's recreation parks are a mess,
0:37:10 > 0:37:13"there are too many Jews in this country."
0:37:14 > 0:37:19And Gary in Hereford says, "Help, gay people are now spreading to the
0:37:19 > 0:37:21"countryside."
0:37:21 > 0:37:23Keep those e-mails coming in. News@sky.com.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29It would be great, wouldn't it? I would watch it every night.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32Now, it would be remiss of me to talk about politics
0:37:32 > 0:37:34and not talk about Nick Clegg.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37A man that gets my goat even more than Ed Miliband.
0:37:37 > 0:37:42Partly because of the way that Nick Clegg speaks. In that way.
0:37:42 > 0:37:46Putting in...pauses...to make it sound as if...what he's saying...
0:37:46 > 0:37:48is relevant.
0:37:48 > 0:37:49He doesn't talk normally.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51I saw him tell a joke at the Lib Dem Spring Conference,
0:37:51 > 0:37:52this is how naff he is.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54He went, "You know
0:37:54 > 0:37:56"the Conservative party's a bit like a shopping trolley.
0:37:56 > 0:38:00"You try and push it forward, but it veers off to the right!"
0:38:02 > 0:38:05Great gag, Nick. Keep up the good work, mate.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08So, if the Tory party is a shopping trolley,
0:38:08 > 0:38:11you're the pillock sat in the baby seat.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13If the Tory party is a shopping trolley,
0:38:13 > 0:38:16the Lib Dems are probably just a Bag for Life.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Good for the environment,
0:38:18 > 0:38:20and everyone forgets about you anyway, in the end.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27What matters, the reason why Nick Clegg mainly frustrates me is
0:38:27 > 0:38:30because the way he speaks, that gets to the heart of the problem.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33Sometimes politics needs flashes of colour, and it's not always
0:38:33 > 0:38:36about what you're saying, it's about the way you say it.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38And to demonstrate this point, I'd like to read aloud from the
0:38:38 > 0:38:43seminal political text, The House At Pooh Corner, by AA Milne.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50Now, there are two oratorical styles that
0:38:50 > 0:38:54I believe are the best styles for delivering politics.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57One is the Tony Blair. He was a phenomenal orator.
0:38:57 > 0:39:02Stuff like this, so he does THE BIG STUFF. LIKE THIS.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04And then makes it personal.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09Oooh, ha-ha.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12Gets you, doesn't it? Really gets you.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14And the other is the generic Northern union rep.
0:39:14 > 0:39:16Now, I will come on to him in a minute.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18I will do it firstly as Nick Clegg.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21So, I will read this passage and you will see that these words
0:39:21 > 0:39:24literally fail to leap off the page.
0:39:24 > 0:39:28"As it happened, it was Rabbit who saw Piglet first.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32"Piglet had got up in the morning to pick himself a bunch of...violets.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35"And when he had picked them,
0:39:35 > 0:39:38"and put them in a pot in the middle of his house, it suddenly came
0:39:38 > 0:39:42"over him that nobody had ever picked Eeyore a bunch of...violets.
0:39:42 > 0:39:46"The more he thought about this, the more he thought how sad it was.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49"To be an animal who had never had a bunch of violets picked for him."
0:39:49 > 0:39:51Boring. Stiff. Clegg.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56Now, just you feel this. In the voice of the master.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Tony Blair.
0:40:01 > 0:40:06"BUT AS IT HAPPENED, IT WAS RABBIT WHO SAW PIGLET FIRST.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09"PIGLET GOT UP EARLY THAT MORNING...
0:40:09 > 0:40:12"to pick himself a bunch of violets.
0:40:15 > 0:40:19"AND WHEN HE'D PICKED THEM, PUT THEM IN A POT, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE
0:40:19 > 0:40:22"IT SUDDENLY CAME OVER HIM
0:40:22 > 0:40:25"no-one had ever picked Eeyore a bunch of violets.
0:40:25 > 0:40:29"AND THE MORE HE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS, THE MORE HE THOUGHT HOW SAD IT WAS...
0:40:29 > 0:40:33"to be an animal who had never had a bunch of violets
0:40:33 > 0:40:35"picked for him."
0:40:35 > 0:40:36LAUGHTER
0:40:36 > 0:40:39Ooh! Tony, Tony, Tony!
0:40:40 > 0:40:43Forget the war in Iraq, just get him to read children's stories.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46Come back, Tony.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48Now, the generic Northern union rep,
0:40:48 > 0:40:51all you need to know is they do not pause for breath.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54And whatever it is they're talking about, there is
0:40:54 > 0:40:56a DEEP injustice at the heart of it.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02"AS IT HAPPENED IT WAS RABBIT WHO SAW PIGLET FIRST PIGLET GOT UP EARLY
0:41:02 > 0:41:05"THAT MORNING TO PICK HIMSELF A BUNCH OF VIOLETS AND WHEN HE'D PICKED
0:41:05 > 0:41:08"THEM IT SUDDENLY CAME OVER HIM THAT NO-ONE HAD EVER PICKED EEYORE A BUNCH
0:41:08 > 0:41:11"OF VIOLETS AND THE MORE HE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE HE THOUGHT HOW SAD
0:41:11 > 0:41:15"IT WAS TO BE AN ANIMAL WHO NEVER HAD A BUNCH OF VIOLETS PICKED FOR HIM."
0:41:15 > 0:41:17Conference.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:22 > 0:41:25Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an absolute pleasure,
0:41:25 > 0:41:27I've been Matt Forde, thank you very much.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Good night.
0:41:33 > 0:41:37Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Matt Forde. Fordey! Fordey! Fordey!
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Ooooooooooh!
0:41:40 > 0:41:43Thanks so much for watching Good News,
0:41:43 > 0:41:45good night, my friends, good night.
0:41:53 > 0:41:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd