0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains adult humour and strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Thank you. Thank you very much!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Hello!
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Hello, and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Here's a tip, if you're going to show off behind a reporter,
0:00:39 > 0:00:40make sure you practise.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44They all went, "Yeah, it's cool. It's cool, we like it."
0:00:44 > 0:00:45And what a great...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47LAUGHTER
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I don't know about you, but I think Kay Burley
0:00:49 > 0:00:51is supporting gay marriage for the wrong reasons.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Let gays marry.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Why should they be happy?
0:00:55 > 0:00:56LAUGHTER
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Tell you what, don't you just hate it when you're on telly
0:00:59 > 0:01:01and you've locked yourself out?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04LAUGHTER
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And finally, if you're going to interrupt the news,
0:01:08 > 0:01:10this is how you do it.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15The scammers may have taken her life savings and possibly her life...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER
0:01:24 > 0:01:26APPLAUSE
0:01:29 > 0:01:30So, what has been going on?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Well, the secretive Bilderberg Group had a meeting.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Amidst heavy security, the mysterious Bilderberg Group is meeting.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38The Bilderberg Group...
0:01:38 > 0:01:40The most powerful people on Earth.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Politicians, business chiefs, royalty...
0:01:42 > 0:01:45They're gathering for an annual summit to discuss global policy.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- Behind closed doors.- Secretive. - Everything is off the record.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Off the record.- Total privacy.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51HE GASPS The Bilderberg Group!
0:01:53 > 0:01:57So where did this all-powerful group meet? New York? The Seychelles?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Just off an A-road in Watford.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Yay!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Watford!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Apparently, they've got a TK Maxx!
0:02:07 > 0:02:11They could have gone ANYWHERE, and they went to Watford.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13So who are the Bilderberg Group?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Well, my favourite conspiracy theorist has a few ideas.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20The Bilderberg Group is a dangerous fucking phen-on-emon.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Phen-on-emin.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Phenomenon? Phenom... Phenomenon.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Fucking phen-on-emon! LAUGHTER
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Phen-on-imin. They wait... Phenon... Phen-on-imin. Fucking forget it!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Ph... Ph...
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Grrrrrr! - LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:40So why is he so upset?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Well, he's part of a small minority
0:02:42 > 0:02:45who claim that the Bilderbergs aren't just world leaders and MPs.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Oh, no, they've got a deeper, darker secret.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59That's right, apparently, the world is run by giant lizards.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03"We will destroy the world. Oh, look, a fly!"
0:03:03 > 0:03:06It's bollocks! You show me a politician who looks like a lizard.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER
0:03:08 > 0:03:11All right, one, but I doubt you'll find any others.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23In royal news, this week, the Queen went to the BBC.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24The Queen has spent the morning
0:03:24 > 0:03:27here at New Broadcasting House in central London
0:03:27 > 0:03:30to open officially the BBC's new headquarters.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33It was brilliant. Did you see the moment she photobombed the news?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Yes, it's a view that we share with our audience every day,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41but today, a unique moment with a very special royal guest.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:47How much would you have loved it if she just went...?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56My highlight was the moment she went to Radio 1. Did you see this?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Did you see her listening to The Script?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01# And I...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03# I will be Queen
0:04:05 > 0:04:08# And you...
0:04:08 > 0:04:11# You will be King... #
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Pretty catchy, pretty nice. I wonder what the Queen thought?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19# They could be heroes
0:04:19 > 0:04:20# Just for one day. #
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Look at that face!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Look at that! - LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:27"What a load of shit!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30"I prefer will.i.am!"
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I can't believe the Queen watched someone from The Voice
0:04:33 > 0:04:35and didn't turn her chair around.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37How great would that have been?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39"Not for me!
0:04:39 > 0:04:43"Has he gone yet? Kill him."
0:04:43 > 0:04:44LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:48I bet she gave them a massive round of applause when they finished.
0:04:48 > 0:04:54# Just for one da-a-ay... #
0:04:58 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:05One clap! "Right, let's bounce."
0:05:08 > 0:05:13"If we're lucky, we'll get back for Cash In The Attic. Absolute shit!"
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Elsewhere this week, big drama for Simon Cowell.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18There was added drama and excitement
0:05:18 > 0:05:21on the live final of Britain's Got Talent tonight.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24A young woman appeared to get up from the orchestra
0:05:24 > 0:05:27and pelted the judges, including Simon Cowell, with eggs.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34LAUGHTER
0:05:34 > 0:05:37# Dream the impossible... #
0:05:37 > 0:05:39One egg nearly hit Simon in the face,
0:05:39 > 0:05:41but luckily, his belt protected him.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45It's a shame we're talking about eggs.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48We should be talking about the winners. They're called Attraction.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Did you see them? They're amazing.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52# Oh-oh-oh-oh!
0:05:52 > 0:05:54# I wanna sing
0:05:54 > 0:05:57# I wanna shout... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:57 > 0:06:01# I wanna scream till the words dry out
0:06:01 > 0:06:05# So put it in all of the papers
0:06:05 > 0:06:07# I'm not afraid
0:06:07 > 0:06:10# They can read all about it
0:06:10 > 0:06:13# Read all about it... #
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Incredible, moving images there.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Mind you, have you seen the outtakes? They're a bit full-on.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21# Come on, come on
0:06:21 > 0:06:24# You've got a heart as loud as lions... #
0:06:24 > 0:06:26LAUGHTER
0:06:26 > 0:06:28# Baby, we're a little different
0:06:28 > 0:06:31# There's no need to be ashamed
0:06:31 > 0:06:33# You've got the light to fight the shadows... #
0:06:33 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:38APPLAUSE
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I tell you what,
0:06:44 > 0:06:49I can't wait to see them perform that at the Royal Variety!
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I think we all know the reaction they'll get.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER
0:06:53 > 0:06:55APPLAUSE
0:06:55 > 0:06:58What else? Simon Cowell wasn't the only celeb who's had a tough week.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Did you hear about Tulisa?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Tulisa was arrested two days after this picture was revealed.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06It allegedly shows her arranging for a friend
0:07:06 > 0:07:10to supply half an ounce of cocaine to an undercover reporter.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14To be honest, I felt a bit sorry for her. I mean, we've all been stung.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Yeah, mate, I can get you anyfink you want.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Big-time.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22LAUGHTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:25And if that's not enough for ya,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28I can get you a really filthy party girl.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31HE LAUGHS
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I'm going to suck you dry!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38APPLAUSE
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Some hilarious kids stories in the news. Did you hear about this?
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Calls for children as young as five to be taught about pornography.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Yeah, that makes sense, doesn't it?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Country is in recession, millions are unemployed.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56"We need to teach toddlers about rimming!"
0:07:56 > 0:07:57LAUGHTER
0:07:57 > 0:08:00How are they going to teach that? "Hey, kids!"
0:08:00 > 0:08:04# Old MacDonald had a gimp E-I-E-I...
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- # Oh-h-h-h! # - LAUGHTER
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Jack and Jill went up the hill To do a bit of snogging
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Jill opened her eyes To her surprise
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Jack had taken her dogging!
0:08:14 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:19It's SO creepy!
0:08:19 > 0:08:23"Look, kids, Daddy is parking his tractor in Mummy's hairy garage!
0:08:25 > 0:08:30"Do you have any questions?" "Yeah, can I close my fuckin' eyes?!"
0:08:30 > 0:08:32LAUGHTER
0:08:32 > 0:08:34They'll be walking around the playground like this -
0:08:34 > 0:08:38"I've seen things, man.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"There were these two girls, this cup..."
0:08:41 > 0:08:43LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:44It's ridiculous.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Apparently they are doing it to make sure kids aren't afraid of porn.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49You're like, what?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Kids aren't afraid of porn.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53They've got bigger things to worry about, like Hoovers.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Atchoo! BABY GIGGLES
0:08:56 > 0:08:58HOOVER BLASTS
0:08:58 > 0:09:00LAUGHTER
0:09:00 > 0:09:03They're not fussed about pornography.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Some of them are still baffled by food. Did you hear about this?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Research by the British Nutrition Foundation suggests
0:09:09 > 0:09:12that almost a third of primary school children in the UK
0:09:12 > 0:09:15think that cheese comes from plants.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18One in five say fish fingers are made out of chicken.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20LAUGHTER
0:09:20 > 0:09:23That must have been such a beautiful moment.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26"What are these FISH fingers made from?"
0:09:26 > 0:09:28"Chicken."
0:09:29 > 0:09:33"Right, let's go again, shall we?" "All right, Mum. Yeah, fine, let's go again."
0:09:33 > 0:09:36"Where do blackberries come from?" "Erm, Carphone Warehouse?"
0:09:36 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"Am I close?!"
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Did you see any of the answers? They're amazing.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:53 > 0:09:55LAUGHTER
0:09:57 > 0:10:00One kid even thought pasta was a hat!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Mind you, it is pretty rich of adults to mock kids about food.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08"Silly children, don't know what they're eating."
0:10:08 > 0:10:11We've been eating horse lasagne for years!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14"Stupid little children! Nom-nom-nom-nom!
0:10:14 > 0:10:15"Why have I grown hooves?"
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I kind of feel sorry for the kids.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Some reporters were even trying to catch them out live on air.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24But this little legend was having none of it.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28- Can you tell me what fish fingers are made from?- Breadcrumbs and fish.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31"It's pretty obvious, you dozy tart."
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Wouldn't you have loved it if he went,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37"Oh, yeah, one more thing. There you go."
0:10:38 > 0:10:41"Put breadcrumbs on that."
0:10:41 > 0:10:45But that isn't the craziest story about kids and food.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47REPORT: This is the scene of the crime.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51The woman who lives here called police about her Pop Tarts.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54She didn't just call the police, look what she did next.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58She had her 13-year-old son jailed for stealing her Pop Tarts.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Or, as this reporter put it...
0:11:02 > 0:11:04She fingered her own son.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:10APPLAUSE
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Christ! No wonder he nicked her Pop Tarts! That is a strict mum!
0:11:18 > 0:11:21If I stole food when I was little, I got a telling-off.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I never got fisted!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26LAUGHTER
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Do you know the weirdest thing?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Apparently, the dance troupe Attraction
0:11:30 > 0:11:33have already worked it into their new routine.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41HE SCREAMS
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Next up, oh, there's been some cracking stories
0:11:50 > 0:11:51from Australia in the news.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55First of all, a beer drinker is being treated like a king
0:11:55 > 0:11:56after writing a letter to a company
0:11:56 > 0:11:59complaining about their new low-alcohol brand.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03REPORT: Brendan is a big man with a big thirst and a big complaint.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06His favourite drop has left a bad taste in his mouth.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08It was a top drink until they changed it.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11And when they changed it, it tasted like crap.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"Tasted like a dingo's ball bag!"
0:12:15 > 0:12:18So, did he write them a gentle letter critiquing the new taste?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Nope. Here's the letter he wrote.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39The best thing - that letter actually worked.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41We apologise, we got it wrong.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44But we've listened to you and we're now going back
0:12:44 > 0:12:48to the original full-strength, full flavour, at 4.9%.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Moral of the story, if you're not happy, swear like fuck!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Not that it's the craziest letter Down Under.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Check out the fan mail that Paul Henry read out
0:12:58 > 0:13:00at the Kiwi version of the BAFTAs.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03This is possibly the greatest acceptance speech
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I've ever seen in my life.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08These are the words of a very, very passionate fan,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10and so you'll have to...
0:13:10 > 0:13:13You'll have to read between the lines.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17"Paul Henry, you're the most insulting little self-conceited
0:13:17 > 0:13:19"little mongrel prick on TV."
0:13:21 > 0:13:24"I would love Susan Boyle to shit on your ugly face..."
0:13:24 > 0:13:26LAUGHTER
0:13:26 > 0:13:28"..Pamela Anderson to give you AIDS,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30"David Hasselhoff to punch you on the nose,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32"preferably before Susan shits on you."
0:13:32 > 0:13:36LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:39And the writer, and I can't credit him or her,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42because they haven't put their name on this letter,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45ends with the, I think, quite memorable line,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47"You fucking poofter..."
0:13:49 > 0:13:51"..pommy mongrel prick."
0:13:52 > 0:13:53- "Die, you- (BLEEP)."
0:13:53 > 0:13:55LAUGHTER
0:13:55 > 0:13:58APPLAUSE
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Now, from anger to loneliness.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Have a look at what this bloke did when his best friend moved away.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08But not only that.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Not only did he go online, he also did an amazing interview on telly,
0:14:12 > 0:14:14explaining the key skills he requires in a best mate.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17One of your requirements is knowing the peacock dance.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19What is the peacock dance?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23It's a dance that just confuses women in the club.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25It sort of just sedates them.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28They don't know what happened, and then you swoop in and talk to them.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Pretty sure that's Rohypnol.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38So you're probably thinking, "I doubt he did the dance on telly".
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Guess again.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44The peacock dance goes a little bit like this...?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Well, he does it like this.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Oh, yeah!
0:14:55 > 0:14:59How is that dance going to impress women?
0:15:04 > 0:15:08"Do you feel sedated?" "No, you're the one who needs sedating".
0:15:09 > 0:15:13The only people that is going to impress are pigeons - just outside.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"Who's the fucking mover?"
0:15:20 > 0:15:22"I'll tell you what, Maureen..."
0:15:27 > 0:15:29"I'd let him give me a liquid arse."
0:15:36 > 0:15:38To be honest, he might be better off alone.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Some mates can be real arseholes.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43You can be looking on Facebook, and from nowhere,
0:15:43 > 0:15:44someone does this to you.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47STUDIO AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:15:51 > 0:15:56That is the cruellest, and yet poshest prank ever.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01"Hey, let's get Joshua in the spuds with a champagne cork!"
0:16:01 > 0:16:04"Oh, Bunty, you are the living end!"
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Thwop!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Now, while we're here, there might be lonely people in England,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12not just Australia.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13If there's anyone out there,
0:16:13 > 0:16:17and you're looking for a new best mate, I've got just the person.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I'm going to suck you dry!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30This is the part of the show I know nothing about.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news,
0:16:32 > 0:16:37and I have to figure out who that person is. So, please welcome my mystery guest.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40APPLAUSE
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- Hello! Nice to meet you. Hello, madam. What's your name?- Christine.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57- I'm Mike.- Nice to meet you. So, can I sit down here?- Yes.
0:16:57 > 0:17:03- I imagine it's got something to do with balloons.- Yes.- And parties.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08- Yes.- Do you gatecrash kids' parties and steal their goods?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Oh, I'd love to. I would.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15If you could nick anything from a child, what would you nick?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Chocolate.- Nice! You didn't even think for a second.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21"Chocolate", straight away.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Shall we tell you our names?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25That might give you a little bit of a clue.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- Oh, your stage names? - Yes. I am Twistina.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33- Twistina. And you, my friend? - Twistopher.- Twistopher?- Yeah.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Could I join your troupe as...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38I was going to say Bender, but that seems wrong.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- Yes!- I could be Bender?- Yes.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Twistopher and Bender.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48You have to help me out. Why have you been in the news this week?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50We make balloon models for the rich and famous.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- We have something. - You've got something there?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03As we said, it's not just children.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04We do lots of dos for all age groups.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09Weddings, students, university balls, dinners.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Alien hitchhiker.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13That is an alien hitchhiker. Very nice.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16If I was at a student ball and it was about three in the morning
0:18:16 > 0:18:20and I was pissed and on many drugs, that would terrify me.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- This is a bow and arrow.- Oh, I see.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28These are good at three in the morning when you've had a few beers.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- You said this is a bow and arrow?- Yeah.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36That sounds like a hastily-constructed alibi, doesn't it?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38"It's a bow and arrow! What are you talking about?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41"I've been dressing up as Goldilocks
0:18:41 > 0:18:43"and trying to shag myself."
0:18:47 > 0:18:49"Too warm!"
0:18:50 > 0:18:52"Too salty!"
0:18:54 > 0:18:57"Just right."
0:18:59 > 0:19:00What have we got here, then? Who's this?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Can you guess?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Who's that? Who is it? Can anyone guess?
0:19:05 > 0:19:06AUDIENCE: You!
0:19:06 > 0:19:07It can't be me.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10The eyes are facing the right way.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Why is my hair receding?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Are we going to have any balloon-based fun?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- I think we will, yes. - I look forward to that. Great.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28So here we are.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31What are we going to do?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Right. Are you ready to blow some balloons?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I was born ready to blow balloons.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Right, so, what we're going to do is,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42I am going to show you how to make an octopus.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- OK.- I'll show you how to use the pump.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Hold the nozzle on, because if you don't, it'll shoot off.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I felt like a really turned-on Smurf then.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Do you want to see an outtake from Shrek?
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Oh!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Right, so you want four balloons.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Yep.- And I'll have four as well.
0:20:30 > 0:20:35And what you want to do is gather them all up. Then give them a twist.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Grab your tentacles and bring them all together.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52And then you've got to make sort of a little bubble on the top.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- That's going to be the head.- Yeah.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01And twist that around.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Can you twist it for me? - I can, yeah.
0:21:07 > 0:21:13Squeeze it in, and...twist!
0:21:13 > 0:21:17That's it. OK.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I feel like one of God's crap helpers.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Ladies and gentlemen, check out these octopus balloons!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Please give it up for my mystery guests!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Stop whatever you're doing.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Apparently, scientists have discovered the reason
0:21:42 > 0:21:44that some men get more sex than others.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46If ever there was an excuse for getting out of housework,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49this is it, gentlemen.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Researchers found that men who do traditional female chores
0:21:53 > 0:21:59have less sex than those who stick to more masculine tasks.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Well, if that's true,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04this bloke must be beating them off with a shitty stick.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Tell you what, how picky are women?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11"Why don't you fancy him?" "Well, he's good-looking,
0:22:11 > 0:22:16"clever, charming and kind, but apparently, he likes to hoover."
0:22:17 > 0:22:20"What a nasty bastard. Why can't I have a normal bloke
0:22:20 > 0:22:22"that slaps me about and puts up a shelf?"
0:22:23 > 0:22:27"Why can't I have a normal bloke like that? Why not?"
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Let's be honest, this story is bollocks.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Mowing the lawn does not make you look sexy.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Did that do anything for you, ladies?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Watch him mow that goddamn lawn!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Staying in the world of love, did you hear about this?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01According to a police report, a man and woman were attacked
0:23:01 > 0:23:04by a man with a large knife at Craighead Forest Park.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08While the young woman ran off, the man, 26-year-old Tyler Siegel,
0:23:08 > 0:23:12- stayed back to fight the attacker. - Tyler Siegel, you are a hero,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15protecting your date from a near-death experience.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17I take my cap off to you, sir.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Turns out Siegel asked his friend to attack them
0:23:20 > 0:23:22so he could impress the girl.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Tyler Siegel, you are a dick!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Give me back my cap.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33That must have been the most ridiculous mugging ever.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37"Give me all your money, Tyler!" "How do you know my name?"
0:23:37 > 0:23:41"I've known you all my life!" "He's been stalking me for ever!"
0:23:41 > 0:23:44"What's wrong with you, Dave? We fucking rehearsed this."
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Mind you, if you think faking a mugging is bad,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50have a look at what happened to this bloke in Florida.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Who answers the door with a Taser in their hand? Poor sod.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- "Will you marry me?" - HE IMITATES TASER
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Apparently, she put so much electricity through him,
0:24:12 > 0:24:13she gave him a...
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Liquid ass.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17But what I don't get - and I'm sure you're the same -
0:24:17 > 0:24:19he loves her enough to strip off,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22but not enough to know where she lives?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Surely the first thing you do
0:24:26 > 0:24:29if you're going to knock on someone's door naked -
0:24:29 > 0:24:31check it's the right house!
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Actually, second thing. First thing, just give it a stretch.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Just tease it out. Make sure it's at its fighting weight,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42you know what I mean? Heavy, not hard.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48This joke's mainly for the fellas.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I doubt ladies have that similar thing.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53"I'm going out with Barry tonight, just give it a bit of a wiggle."
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Mind you, I wish I'd seen it.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Is there anything greater than the noise someone makes
0:25:00 > 0:25:01when they're Tasered?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Taser, Taser!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Aaagh!
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Do you know the oddest thing about this story?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Apparently, the dance troupe Attraction...
0:25:23 > 0:25:25..have already worked it into their routine.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Now an inspirational story about a woman called Claire Lomas.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03The London Marathon last year.
0:26:03 > 0:26:09Claire Lomas completed it in a robotic suit. It took her 17 days.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11You know, the marathon was a great experience.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I actually had really good fun.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16The walking was hard and challenging, but the people made it.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19When you've got a good group of people and you're exercising,
0:26:19 > 0:26:20you just feel good for it.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Claire was left paralysed from the waist down
0:26:24 > 0:26:27after a riding accident five years ago.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32After my accident, I felt like every door had been slammed in my face.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I certainly did feel at rock bottom. Some days...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38I was always active. I never sat down. And suddenly I'm told,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41"You're going to spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair."
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I'm like, "I don't know if I can live like this."
0:26:44 > 0:26:46It is so much to get your head around.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53It's a feat of endurance that would get the better of most of us,
0:26:53 > 0:26:57so for Claire Lomas, the achievement is all the more incredible.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Today she finished a 400 mile charity bike ride.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03The 33-year-old is raising money for spinal research.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07She's travelled 400 miles on arm power alone.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11She started in Nottingham,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14and did the equivalent of around 16 marathons.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18She even managed to stop off at schools on the way.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22She's an extraordinary lady, and a true inspiration to all of us,
0:27:22 > 0:27:23or should be.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28She wants to spread the word that whatever happens to you,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30there is always hope.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34How lovely is that?
0:27:34 > 0:27:35APPLAUSE
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Now it's time for my stand-up guest.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Please give a huge welcome to the wonderful Liam Williams!
0:27:43 > 0:27:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Thank you. OK. Here is the first joke. I hope you enjoy it.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59So, the universe implodes.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01No matter. Thank you.
0:28:04 > 0:28:09Thank you. Liam Williams, at your service. It's a good joke.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11It's a bit geeky, that's the only problem.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12I was a bit of a geek at school.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15I used to get bullied for that. But I dealt with it.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18I always gave as good as I got. In fact, I gave better than I got.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Not to the same people, to the smaller boys. The weaker boys.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27And my family's animals. That helps. It's nice to be here.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30My name is Liam. Brown hair, blue eyes. Always up for a laugh.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31I live in north London.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35I don't really like where I live because I hate my neighbours.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37My neighbours piss me off all day.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Their Wi-Fi connection is just so slow. It's...
0:28:41 > 0:28:42..unbearable.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44What a pleasure to be here.
0:28:44 > 0:28:49How did I end up here with my name in lights too many times for no reason?
0:28:49 > 0:28:51How did I, who left school at 16
0:28:51 > 0:28:55before going to sixth form and university, come to be...
0:28:59 > 0:29:02..standing before you this evening?
0:29:02 > 0:29:03I'll tell you my story.
0:29:03 > 0:29:07And I'll tell you through the medium of storytelling.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13Just normal stand-up. We begin in Leeds in 1974.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17Then immediately fast-forward 14 years to 1988, the year of my birth.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25My mother is talking to my grandfather, her father. And friend.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30"Dad, I'm pregnant with
0:29:30 > 0:29:33"the semi-professional comedian Liam Williams."
0:29:35 > 0:29:36"Oh, wonderful news.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39"You will, of course, raise him as we raised you, won't you?"
0:29:39 > 0:29:43"You mean emotionally repressed and in relative poverty?"
0:29:43 > 0:29:44"Aye."
0:29:44 > 0:29:46"No, Dad." "Why not?"
0:29:46 > 0:29:49"Well, Dad, there's this alternative lifestyle we've read about,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52"it's called being lower middle class."
0:29:53 > 0:29:54"You what?"
0:29:54 > 0:29:55HE EXHALES
0:29:55 > 0:29:57"What does that mean?"
0:29:57 > 0:29:59HE COUGHS
0:29:59 > 0:30:00"It means we'll encourage him
0:30:00 > 0:30:03"to eat three or four portions of vegetables a day
0:30:03 > 0:30:04"and strike him bi-annually at most."
0:30:09 > 0:30:11"We really think this is for the best.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13"Please, Dad, say you understand."
0:30:13 > 0:30:15But grandad didn't say he understood.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18He just turned away and muttered something about his hat. "..My hat."
0:30:20 > 0:30:24My parents did give me a good upbringing. But they were the kind of parents who would remind me
0:30:24 > 0:30:26I was having a good upbringing. "Liam, we've fed you.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28"We've clothed you. Put a roof over your head."
0:30:28 > 0:30:31"I'd say, I am grateful for those things, Mother and Father,
0:30:31 > 0:30:35"but if you didn't do them, you would have to deal with the police at the door asking
0:30:35 > 0:30:38"why there's a starving, naked boy on the front lawn."
0:30:40 > 0:30:43I hated school, too. I hated the head teacher, Mr Dickhead.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45I can still remember Mr Dickhead. "Stand up straight.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48"Tuck your shirt in. Take that dead bird out of your mouth.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51"People will think you have no self-respect." "What do I care?"
0:30:51 > 0:30:54"What do I care," I'd say. "Don't you know nowt matters?
0:30:54 > 0:30:57"We're all going to be bukakied with sadness when the banks start to collapse anyway."
0:30:57 > 0:31:01It was only 2004 and I was only 16 but I'm very prescient,
0:31:01 > 0:31:03so a bit more respect from some of you, I think.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06I was a little prick, and like most little pricks
0:31:06 > 0:31:10I began experimenting with drugs as a superficial act of teenage rebellion.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14Not proud of that, I fear my drug use may have begun to catch up with me now.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16I get memory loss and flashbacks.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Sometimes at the same time, which is just normal.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Just normal consciousness.
0:31:22 > 0:31:26I was worried also for a while that I'd begun hearing voices in my head.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30But then I thought hearing voices in your head is just thinking.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37It's not... We all have an interior monologue. Our thoughts are made of language.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40It just depends what the voice is saying.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42If you walk down the street, a voice in your head says,
0:31:42 > 0:31:45"Look at that dead bird," you're sane, I think.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48But if you walk down the street and the voice says,
0:31:48 > 0:31:52"Eat that dead bird." Just keep an eye on the commands.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55That's my only advice. I know it's an unsavoury topic for some people.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57I have taken drugs in the past.
0:31:57 > 0:32:02I may have taken drugs in the future, I don't know, I haven't been there yet. I can't wait to find out.
0:32:02 > 0:32:06There are some drugs I've vowed never to touch again. Cocaine, for example.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09Awful. And pretty prevalent in the comedy industry.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Shrinks the penis to the size of a walnut.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16And inflates the ego to the size of a walnut.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21Considering the human ego is a purely abstract, metaphorical entity,
0:32:21 > 0:32:24for it to reach walnut size is pretty worrying, I think.
0:32:24 > 0:32:29I worry most of all that drug use has left me permanently depressed.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32Permanently lazy. These are my main two modes,
0:32:32 > 0:32:35my main two characteristics as a person - laziness and depression.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38Not an ideal combination of main characteristics.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41I have considered suicide, but only in the same way that
0:32:41 > 0:32:43I've considered going for a jog every day
0:32:43 > 0:32:44for the last five or six years.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46I'm never going to get round to it.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49I haven't got the get-up-and-go.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52I need to get my shit together.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54You know that phrase, that fashionable phrase?
0:32:54 > 0:32:59Fashionable as shoulder pads and little illustrations of moustaches.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03I need to get my shit together. I realise my shit is all asunder.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06I need to stoop down,
0:33:06 > 0:33:09gather it up enthusiastically like I'm scrumping fallen apples.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14Ball it up tight and be like, "Look, world, there's my shit."
0:33:15 > 0:33:17It's together.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19There are a number of exciting incidents that led me
0:33:19 > 0:33:20to these realisations.
0:33:20 > 0:33:24I'll tell you the one of greatest narrative interest.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27This girl came back to my flat and we made, well, not love,
0:33:27 > 0:33:30but the requisite levels of mutual trust
0:33:30 > 0:33:32to concede our bodies to each other
0:33:32 > 0:33:36and escape our respective states of loneliness for a little while.
0:33:37 > 0:33:38We made sweet...that.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44I'm going to say, this isn't a standard fuck boast,
0:33:44 > 0:33:49nor a cliched self-deprecating tale of sexual failure.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51I'm fine, as lovers go.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54Not fine as in, "Oh, what a fine lover you are."
0:33:54 > 0:33:57Fine as in, "How was that for you?" "Fine."
0:33:58 > 0:33:59It's fine, isn't it? It's fine.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02I just do it for the post-coital epiphanies, really.
0:34:05 > 0:34:06That's my thing.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10I'll be laying a-bed,
0:34:10 > 0:34:15the bedroom bathed in sodium light from the street lamp outside.
0:34:15 > 0:34:20Not physically, but psychologically alone. Empty and still.
0:34:20 > 0:34:24Until suddenly, I'll be like, "Yeah, I should make my own lemonade."
0:34:28 > 0:34:30But I never do.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33Anyway, this is one of those ongoing, semi-frequent things
0:34:33 > 0:34:35that's never going to develop into love
0:34:35 > 0:34:37because we just don't respect each other enough.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40You can be as close with someone as two mammals could ever be
0:34:40 > 0:34:41and I guess we just realise
0:34:41 > 0:34:44we have roughly the same sexual market value
0:34:44 > 0:34:47and just embarked on this unrewarding cycle. It's fine.
0:34:47 > 0:34:52It allows a kind of detached candour, which is important to this story.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55The other important detail is that she's stylish, this girl,
0:34:55 > 0:34:59in a way that I don't have the critical vocabulary to describe.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01She looks like a little sailor on this particular occasion,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04if that gets anything across - that's the best I can do.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07This little sailor has never been to my flat before.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09Afterwards she's a-bed,
0:35:09 > 0:35:11and looking round the room, I guess, just collecting data,
0:35:11 > 0:35:12to take away with her
0:35:12 > 0:35:15and use to assess the extent to which she's selling herself short
0:35:15 > 0:35:16in these transactions.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21After about a minute of looking at the room's four walls,
0:35:21 > 0:35:24she turns to me and goes, "How long have you lived here?"
0:35:24 > 0:35:28I'm like, about two years. Two and a half years, why?" She's like, "What?
0:35:28 > 0:35:31"It's like you've been here a week or so." "I say, "What do you mean?"
0:35:31 > 0:35:35She says, "You've got things here, but there's no design to it.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38"It's like your room doesn't have a personality."
0:35:38 > 0:35:41As a joke, to imply self-assurance,
0:35:41 > 0:35:44I say, "That's because I don't have a personality."
0:35:46 > 0:35:50And the contrived earnestness in her voice when she replies,
0:35:50 > 0:35:51"That's not true, Liam,"
0:35:51 > 0:35:54has made me quite scared.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58So now I want money and things.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01Things on or near me to imply a personality.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Sometimes when I'm talking to people,
0:36:03 > 0:36:05I'll see them realise that behind the jokes
0:36:05 > 0:36:09and the attempts at cleverness there's not really much there.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11I want things, not as status symbols
0:36:11 > 0:36:14but as decoys and distractions, so that when I realise it's happening,
0:36:14 > 0:36:17I can be like, "Look at my on-trend boat shoes."
0:36:18 > 0:36:21"Look at my leather-bound iPad case.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23"I'm going to get an iPad to go in there one of these days."
0:36:25 > 0:36:28"Hand me a MasterCard and this month's GQ magazine.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31"Darling, when the bedroom is full of sodium lights
0:36:31 > 0:36:35"and the abyss yawns over the trees, do not stare at it,
0:36:35 > 0:36:37"nor at the bare ceiling and presume me bare too.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39"But look instead at this poster
0:36:39 > 0:36:43"of skyscraper builders in the olden days eating their lunch on a beam."
0:36:45 > 0:36:47"And my massive iPad dock
0:36:47 > 0:36:52"and my collection of unusual beer bottles from around the world."
0:36:52 > 0:36:54Life in the big city getting me down.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58The endless grey, the day-to-day, the daily grind.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01In a city of such apparently infinite variety,
0:37:01 > 0:37:03the same faces and places re-occur
0:37:03 > 0:37:06as if your life is just a video, a gif file.
0:37:06 > 0:37:07It's endlessly cycling.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10Catch a glimpse of yourself in the dark Tube glass
0:37:10 > 0:37:12every evening on the way home.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14You don't notice time ravaging you.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17But you don't notice the shadow of the sundial
0:37:17 > 0:37:19slowly crawling round either.
0:37:19 > 0:37:23That's because there aren't many sundials around any more.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25They're all dying, that's what I'm trying to put across.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30It's monotonous. The same thing every day.
0:37:30 > 0:37:35Wake up, have a cup of tea, go back to bed for a few hours. Get up again.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Have a slow breakfast. Another cup of tea.
0:37:37 > 0:37:41Go on YouTube for about four hours. Try and do some work. Give up.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44Have another cup of tea, go on YouTube again.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46Have a bath, have another cup of tea.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Just basically a life mitigated by endless cups of tea.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52And then, as another evening curls itself around the Shard,
0:37:52 > 0:37:55you go to dinner. You go to the cinema with your friends. Go for a drink.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58Go for another drink. Go home, watch an episode of the American Office
0:37:58 > 0:38:00that you've illegally downloaded.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03Watch another episode of the American Office you've illegally downloaded.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06Get up. Do it all again. Repeat, ad infinitum.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09But at the weekend, go to the beautiful coast.
0:38:09 > 0:38:10Again, fucking bullshit.
0:38:12 > 0:38:13Fucking Sisyphus, man.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16You've got to do whatever you can to inject a bit of fun into it.
0:38:16 > 0:38:20Even the supposedly funnest things can become ritualistic. Like dating.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22I want to read you this article now,
0:38:22 > 0:38:27which exemplifies what I mean about injecting fun into life.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29I'm playing the dating game at the moment.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31I don't know about you guys,
0:38:31 > 0:38:33but I thought games were supposed to be fun.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Sometimes I think I would rather be playing Jumanji.
0:38:37 > 0:38:41I'm joking, of course. That would be horrid. Dating is no picnic either.
0:38:41 > 0:38:45I just want to read this article about alternative dating ideas
0:38:45 > 0:38:48from a popular London lifestyle listings magazine.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50"Alternative dating ideas for Londoners."
0:38:50 > 0:38:53It's pretty London-centric, but you'll get some of this stuff
0:38:53 > 0:38:55out in the provinces in a couple of years as well.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01OK. I'm just going to read it. Can you play the romantic music, please?
0:39:01 > 0:39:03ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:39:03 > 0:39:06OK. "Looking for innovative dating ideas this weekend?
0:39:06 > 0:39:08"Well, you should be, you fucking little rat."
0:39:10 > 0:39:13"Everybody your age group and socio-economic bracket is dating,
0:39:13 > 0:39:17"so you should be too, you waste of sperm."
0:39:18 > 0:39:22"Here are our top ten alternative dating ideas for Londoners.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25"Number one, a salsa class.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28"Learn how to make salsa at one of London's many salsa stores."
0:39:30 > 0:39:32"Number two, comedy on a bus.
0:39:32 > 0:39:37"Laughter can be a perfect icebreaker on a first date. But on a bus?!
0:39:37 > 0:39:40"This is comedy like you've never experienced it before.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42"Three, pebble-washing in the Thames."
0:39:44 > 0:39:46"The Thames Museum runs free workshops,
0:39:46 > 0:39:48"where every Sunday budding pebble-washers -
0:39:48 > 0:39:51"or Jeffries as they used to be called, for no reason -
0:39:51 > 0:39:53"can take to the horrible river bank
0:39:53 > 0:39:55"and wash the pebbles in baby oil,
0:39:55 > 0:39:58"which is like sunflower oil but extracted from babies."
0:40:00 > 0:40:03"When the 16-hour session is finished, why not relax
0:40:03 > 0:40:09"by a burning pile of bin bags with a steaming bowl of alive mice?
0:40:09 > 0:40:13"Number 4, a tour of the Tube. We take the Tube for granted.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16"We ride it to and from work each day and we get home, we cry.
0:40:16 > 0:40:20"But the Tube is full of amazing hidden secrets.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22"Did you know some of the stations are very old?"
0:40:27 > 0:40:29"Ride around on the Tube together
0:40:29 > 0:40:31"and bring a wry smile to your date's face
0:40:31 > 0:40:34"by showing them the Nemi cartoon in that day's Metro.
0:40:34 > 0:40:38"Number five, jazz on a roof.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40"Tapping along to the crazy rhythms of jazz
0:40:40 > 0:40:44"can be the perfect icebreaker on a first date,
0:40:44 > 0:40:45"but on a roof?!
0:40:45 > 0:40:48"This is jazz like you've never experienced it before.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50"Six, a Kayleigh. For a taste of the Celtic,
0:40:50 > 0:40:53"why not pay a Scottish or Irish woman called Kayleigh
0:40:53 > 0:40:56"to let you have a bite of her body?
0:40:57 > 0:41:00"Seven, cocktails in a tree.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03"Zesty fruit and frontal-lobe numbing alcohol
0:41:03 > 0:41:06"can be the perfect icebreaker on a first date
0:41:06 > 0:41:08"but on a tree?!
0:41:08 > 0:41:11"This is a cocktail experience like you've never had before,
0:41:11 > 0:41:13"nor ever will want to have again.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15"Eight, visit the National Gallery.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17"Nine, karaoke in a bin. Blah, blah, blah...
0:41:17 > 0:41:20"Ten, a sewer walk. Without permission or supervision,
0:41:20 > 0:41:22"climb into London's sewer system..."
0:41:24 > 0:41:25"and take a look around.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27"But be warned. You'll die."
0:41:30 > 0:41:32I hope that was illuminating.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35I should go...
0:41:36 > 0:41:40That's it. Thanks. Thanks for having me and have a good night.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Thanks. Cheers.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:44 > 0:41:47Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Liam Williams!
0:41:47 > 0:41:51Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night!
0:41:51 > 0:41:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:03 > 0:42:06Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd