0:00:12 > 0:00:17This programme contains adult humour and some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:27- APPLAUSE - Thank you!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Thank you very much! Wow!
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Did you see what Bill Turnbull wants to do with Dominic Cooper?!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Cosy up to you and lick you on the face.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I don't know about you but I think this bloke's a bit simple.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Dinosaurs are brilliant.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56And penguins are amazing!
0:00:58 > 0:01:02On Channel 4 they interviewed a woman who really sounds like Elmo.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07- ..Caught up the peaceful protesters in amongst everybody else.- No, no.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09No, no, this information is not correct.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Today the police did not enter the park.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Elmo on telly.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17This report wins my award for cock-up of the week.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I pledge allegiance to the fag, flag.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29And finally, is it me
0:01:29 > 0:01:31or do is Nick Owen really have a favourite co-host?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Welcome to Midlands Today with Mary Rhodes.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Hello, welcome to Midlands Today with Mary Rhodes... Mary Rhodes...
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Mary Rhodes... Mary Rhodes.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Mary Rhodes... Mary Rhodes.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49So what's been going on?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Well, there's been an attack on the Queen!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54A 41-year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of causing
0:01:54 > 0:01:57criminal damage to a portrait of the Queen at Westminster Abbey.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01"Philip! Fetch my blade.
0:02:01 > 0:02:07"Yap, yap, yap. I'm going to cut Banksy's bollocks off!"
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Mind you, not everyone was upset. I think I know who did it.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18I'm joking, it wasn't Charlie. Apparently it was this lot.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21The campaign group Fathers 4 Justice said it was one of
0:02:21 > 0:02:23its members that spray-painted the picture in the Abbey.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Fathers 4 Justice! Where is
0:02:26 > 0:02:29the logic in that protest? "I miss my boy so much!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32"I could give him a call or write a letter, nah.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34"I'm going to draw on the Queen."
0:02:36 > 0:02:39"If that don't work, I'm going to shit on a swan."
0:02:39 > 0:02:43It's so stupid. Apparently he caused so much damage.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46It's now worth less than the one this guy did.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Mind you, it wasn't just the Queen who got dissed this week.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Did you see what happened to Charles?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Yeah! He took it well.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Because, let's be honest, he's not always great when mascots take the piss...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- Oh, I'll- BLEEP- have you.- Charles!
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Stop it! Stop it!- BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Stop it! Charlie, stop it!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Charlie, stop it!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Go on, Harry, do him!
0:03:24 > 0:03:26There you go.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27APPLAUSE
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Now, talking about violence, did you hear about Nigella Lawson?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Police have confirmed tonight they are investigating an apparent
0:03:37 > 0:03:39row between the TV chef Nigella Lawson
0:03:39 > 0:03:43and her husband Charles Saatchi.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45It comes after photographs emerged of him
0:03:45 > 0:03:48apparently grabbing his wife by the neck in a restaurant.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52He grabbed her by the throat in public. Did you see his excuse?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58It was a playful tiff!
0:03:58 > 0:04:01"I was just telling her a joke."
0:04:03 > 0:04:05"It's the way I tell 'em."
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Dah!
0:04:07 > 0:04:11So, I'll bet everyone was appalled, everyone except Nick Griffin.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Did you see what he tweeted?
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Oh-oh-oh.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Hundreds of people tweeted him back.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26In my opinion, my mate's was the best.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Now talking of sexism in politics,
0:04:40 > 0:04:44did you hear about the Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard?
0:04:44 > 0:04:48A joke menu drawn up by staff at a posh restaurant in Australia
0:04:48 > 0:04:51has created a sexism row amongst the country's politicians.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55The mock dishes were dreamt up for an opposition party fundraiser
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- and they poked fun at the Prime Minister Julia Gillard.- Poked fun?!
0:04:58 > 0:05:02It's a bit more than that. Did you see the meal they came up with?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16APPLAUSE
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Only in Australia.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Hey, fellas, our Prime Minister has got a ginger fanny.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25It looks like a yawning orang-utan.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Poor Julia, it gets worse. The next day she has a radio interview.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Have a look what this idiotic DJ said about her boyfriend Tim
0:05:41 > 0:05:44who happens to be a hairdresser.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I think that's probably right, we've certainly seen that this week.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53In what way?
0:05:55 > 0:05:56That's absurd.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02What a twat.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Must be gay, he's a hairdresser.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07You know what they say, if he shaves your locks, he loves the cock.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11If he likes the perm, he is into sperm. Come on!
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Knobhead. Still, all's well that ends well.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19An Australian radio DJ has been sacked for asking
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Prime Minister Julia Gillard if her partner is gay.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24How great would it have been if she turned to him
0:06:24 > 0:06:29and said, "You know what they say, if you get sacked from your job, you're a bit of a knob."
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Mind you, if you think any of the stories I have shown you
0:06:33 > 0:06:35so far are shocking, it has nothing on the horror that
0:06:35 > 0:06:38a couple from Nottingham had to deal with this week.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41If you are of a nervous disposition, you need to look away now.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Noooooooooooo!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56The grass on one side was longer than the other!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Is there no God?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Look at this devastation.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05HE SCREAMS
0:07:06 > 0:07:09How did this make the news?
0:07:09 > 0:07:13The only thing interesting about is I know who cut it.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Ha, ha, ha!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18It was me.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Get a life, you fucking bitches.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Boom!
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Finally, big news,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30have you seen how the government are trying to control immigration.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33The government is reportedly considering launching
0:07:33 > 0:07:36a campaign deriding Britain as a place to come and work.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39The aim is to put off the potential mass
0:07:39 > 0:07:41emigration of thousands of Romanians.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43The government are making a video to make England look
0:07:43 > 0:07:46so shit that it will put off Romanians.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50What's that going to look like? This?
0:07:53 > 0:07:57You, thinking about visiting Britain?
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Well, don't.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Here's three reasons to stay away.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Number one, people here are hardly friendly.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06- Hello.- Fuck off!
0:08:10 > 0:08:12The kids aren't much better.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21This is the prettiest women we have.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Do you fancy a blowjob?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Great Shitain more like.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Let's be honest...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:40If that doesn't work, they can just show them meeting Prince Charles.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- It's Prince Charles.- BLEEP- you.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Elsewhere, shocking health news this week.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56A landmark study found patients who have planned surgery on a Friday are
0:08:56 > 0:09:0044% more likely to die than those have their operation on Monday.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06- I'll bet everyone who booked for a Friday just got a...- Liquid ass.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17I bet doctors take the piss. "Your operation is on... Thursday.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19"You should have seen your face!
0:09:20 > 0:09:21"Oh no, it is Friday."
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Not that it is the strangest health news.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Have you seen what you can they do during surgery?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29To some it is the stuff of nightmares,
0:09:29 > 0:09:32the idea of being awake during a major operation.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35But patients at one hospital opting for a local anaesthetic,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38rather than being knocked out, to help distract them,
0:09:38 > 0:09:42they can watch their favourite film while the surgery is taking place.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Patients can watch a film during their operation.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Surely, that's going to put the doctor off. "Can you fix my broken leg?"
0:09:50 > 0:09:51"Not until they find Nemo."
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Apparently it calms the patient down. Really?!
0:09:59 > 0:10:01What if you are watching Saw?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Horror films and operations, never going to work.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09The key to a good circumcision, you have to be very gentle.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Fucking 'ell!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14AUDIENCE GROANS
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Everything all right, Doctor?
0:10:17 > 0:10:18Yeah, fine.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29From freaky operations to a freaky new gym class
0:10:29 > 0:10:30sweeping across America.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32This is called animal flow
0:10:32 > 0:10:38and the whole class involves acting like an animal.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42They are getting fit by pretending to be animals.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43"How was your workout?"
0:10:43 > 0:10:45"Great. Spent an hour licking my balls."
0:10:47 > 0:10:49"Were you doing animal flow?"
0:10:49 > 0:10:51"Yeah."
0:10:51 > 0:10:54This is great news for lazy people.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57"I am being the sloth."
0:10:57 > 0:10:59It is ridiculous.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01You don't see animals copying us.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I've never turned my dog, "Fancy a walk?"
0:11:03 > 0:11:05"No thanks, Russ, I am exhausted from Zumba."
0:11:09 > 0:11:13"Me and the girls did it earlier and I am absolutely bushwhacked."
0:11:13 > 0:11:16It is madness. Animals and exercise, not a good idea.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20SCREAMING
0:11:20 > 0:11:23SCREAMING
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Especially if they get dogs in the class.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39You feel really bloated today.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Take that, yeah!
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Mind you, it isn't all bad news.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Scientists have figured out the secret to winning a woman's heart.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58It is claimed, carrying a guitar
0:11:58 > 0:12:02can increase the chances of getting a date.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Researchers in France have found women are 31% more
0:12:06 > 0:12:11likely to give their number to a man with a guitar.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Well, all right.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15HE RIFFS
0:12:15 > 0:12:19AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Do you fancy a blowjob?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Next up, did you see the ingenious way the police got
0:12:38 > 0:12:40a couple of car thieves to surrender?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Police say the two suspects were wanted for stealing a car and
0:12:43 > 0:12:47ended up fleeing into the stairwell of this Emerson Street home.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Police hostage negotiators threatened to unleash the canine units
0:12:50 > 0:12:52but the dogs were not available.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56The dogs were unavailable, so what did they do? Use tear gas instead?
0:12:56 > 0:13:01- No.- Officers pretended to bark like dogs and it worked.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04They pretended to be dogs and the criminals were
0:13:04 > 0:13:07so scared they came out.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Can you imagine their faces when they realised what had happened.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15"We surrender. Oh, for fuck's sake!"
0:13:18 > 0:13:24"I told you those dogs were laughing... One of them knew your name."
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Imagine the moment the police came up with that plan.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32"I've got an idea. Let's pretend to be dogs."
0:13:32 > 0:13:35"That's brilliant, but can I be a cat?"
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"Do whatever you want."
0:13:39 > 0:13:41"Raaarrrrh."
0:13:42 > 0:13:47Just one policeman saying, "Can I be a penguin?"
0:13:47 > 0:13:50So insane.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53But it is not my favourite case of mistaken identity in the news.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Did you read about this? Get ready. It's amazing.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03So what was this terrifying beast?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10That is unbelievable, isn't it?
0:14:10 > 0:14:14"Hello, police. Yes, it's a tiger, yes, he's walking on two feet.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17"He's eating a kebab, you need to get here quickly."
0:14:19 > 0:14:22The worst thing, that poor bloke ran into Prince Charles.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Hey! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Charlie Baked Potatoes.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Charlie Cockles, hey!
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Oooh-aaah!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- Take that you,- BLEEP- tiger- BLEEP.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45In education news, did you hear about this?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Hundreds of thousands of 11-year-olds in England are sitting
0:14:48 > 0:14:51a controversial new spelling and grammar test from today.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I'm not surprised, some kids really struggle with spelling.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13It gets worse, some of them can't even spell rapper.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21That's a very different thing.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Finally, I've saved the strangest for last.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Have a look at this story from South Africa.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33AUDIENCE GROANS
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Well, that is every single shade of "what the fuck?"
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Imagine him in the playground. "Good weekend?"
0:15:40 > 0:15:43"Yeah, I spent it in bed with the missus.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45"We made a fort...
0:15:45 > 0:15:49"Yeah."
0:15:49 > 0:15:52"Had a moat and all sorts of shit."
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Mind you, I feel a bit sorry for her. "What does my husband do? Lego."
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Could the story get stranger? It can.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Look at the reason why the kid married her.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10How weird is that. His granddad is the horniest ghost ever.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12"Wake up."
0:16:12 > 0:16:13"What is it granddad?"
0:16:13 > 0:16:15"I need to ask you a favour."
0:16:17 > 0:16:20"Do you want me to tell the family that you are in a better place?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23"You are at peace, finally your soul can rest forever?"
0:16:23 > 0:16:25"No."
0:16:26 > 0:16:29"I want you to fuck Ethel."
0:16:29 > 0:16:31AUDIENCE GROANS
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Either that... Either that or his brother can do a really
0:16:34 > 0:16:36good impression of his granddad.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Just hid under the bed. "Oh, yeah! Marry that old lady!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"Touch her tits and everything.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48"That's what happens when you steal my FUCKING marbles!"
0:16:51 > 0:16:55As you can imagine, people on the Internet have gone crazy about this story.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56This guy is not a fan.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Who does stuff like that
0:16:58 > 0:17:02because your dead ancestor told you to do something, don't mean you got to do it.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05If my dead ancestor had told me, "Eddie, 1910 the white people
0:17:05 > 0:17:10"did some very bad things to me and I want you to go and kill them all."
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Hell, no! I'm not going to kill all the white people for your ass.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I don't know you. You dead. I'm going to jail.
0:17:16 > 0:17:22I'm not going to do that cos my dead ancestor told me to do something.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24You go. I don't even know you, you dead ancestor.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27You know I love you because you're my family,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30but I don't know you like that. I'm not going to kill anybody.
0:17:30 > 0:17:36And I'm damn sure I'm not going to marry an old ass person when I am eight years old.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Not a fan.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50There will be a mystery guests who's been in the news. I have to work out who that person is.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Please welcome my mystery guest.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04I'm stalking it with my powers. Hello. Nice to meet you.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- Hello, I am Boyarde.- Boyarde?! - Yes.- What a terrific name.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- Thank you very much.- I've not heard that before, what does it mean?
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- It's actually a Russian packet of cigarettes.- Well, there you go.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16So, nice to meet you.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- It would appear to be something to do with art?- Yes, that's correct.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- We have a naked lady. - Yes. Quite a good clue.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26It's a good clue? We have apples.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- Apples or the naked lady. - The naked lady.- Is more...?- Yes.- OK.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37So do you paint naked ladies?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40My goodness, you are getting very warm, yes I do.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43In every sense, I'm getting very warm.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50I'm getting red hot. Am I going to be painting a naked lady later?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Ohhhhhh!
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Well, this could be very exciting.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58APPLAUSE
0:19:00 > 0:19:01I'll give you another clue.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05In terms of the naked lady, so it's a unique canvas
0:19:05 > 0:19:09so maybe you want to concentrate a bit more on the female body.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10It's a very unique canvas.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I can see which bit you are visualising, it's not that bit.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22OK, see if you can guess what I am looking at just by the way my eyes are going.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Round?- No.- No.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Small and minute and circular.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I think I'm going to stop there
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- because you're going in the wrong direction.- It was the elbow.- Ohhh!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- It was.- OK. - Did you think I meant the clitoris?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42That would be tiring in an art class, just finding it.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Just put your finger there are so I know where it is when I come back.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54So why are you in the news exactly, you are a nude painter?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Do you paint in the nude yourself? Is there a twist?
0:19:56 > 0:20:01- I specialise in hand painting ladies' bottoms.- Terrific.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05I'm making the headlines at the moment
0:20:05 > 0:20:07because my pop-up bottoms are in the media everywhere.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11What a fantastic and interesting job.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14APPLAUSE
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Do you paint on their bums or do you paint their bums?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- I paint on their bottom.- Wow!
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Is it only women that you paint?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26I've only ever painted one male before and that is my husband.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30We had to shoot it twice because it involved olive oil and sand.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35It got in places that it shouldn't have got. The final image...
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Please tell me he's called Lawrence
0:20:37 > 0:20:39and there is some sort of Lawrence of Arabia...
0:20:39 > 0:20:43No, actually my husband is called Norrin Rudyard Kipling Braster
0:20:43 > 0:20:45so it just gets better and better.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47HE MOUTHS
0:20:47 > 0:20:52- Norris Rudyard...- Norrin Rudyard Kipling Braster.- Awesome!
0:20:52 > 0:20:53- I know.- What does he do?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I'm guessing he doesn't work in Greggs.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00He's a very pragmatic man, he works with his hands. He is a mechanic.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02He is a mechanic!
0:21:02 > 0:21:06But I think it's time that we teach you how to paint
0:21:06 > 0:21:08and maybe give you a canvas of your own.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10I look forward to that.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- Here we go.- So... What are we going to do?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19First of all I'm going to show you some of my work.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- I'm going to open the curtains.- OK.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Here we have, if you want to stand on the other side...- Absolutely.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Have a look at my wonderful model. - Fantastic.- I see you're not shy of having a look.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- No, I'm allowed. Hello.- Hi!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Feels a bit weird to just be staring at...
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I'm going to just finish a few layers, but basically what I've
0:21:41 > 0:21:43done is I've painted the backdrop and she's
0:21:43 > 0:21:47blending in with this image, and it's all pop art and you can see
0:21:47 > 0:21:51at the bottom there's a lovely sign, "She was explosive and he knew it."
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- Nice!- So if I basically show you...
0:21:53 > 0:21:56That could be an anti-diarrhoea ad, couldn't it?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01- Well, hopefully that won't be the case.- How did you two meet?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03I imagine that's kind of a...
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Did you say, "You've got a lovely bum. I've got some paints."
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- She has got a beautiful bottom. It can't be denied.- Absolutely.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12I said, "I'd love to paint you someday," and we have lots of fun creating art together.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14See, blokes don't have those chats.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19"Dave, can I just say, I know we're enjoying the game
0:22:19 > 0:22:22"and everything, but your arse is magnificent."
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Here we go. I'm just going to put this final colour on, and then
0:22:25 > 0:22:28it would be photographed and we have a beautiful piece of art.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31It looks absolutely wonderful. That's worth a round of applause.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34So...
0:22:34 > 0:22:38if you would like to stand over here.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I look forward to my lady.
0:22:40 > 0:22:46And I would like you to pull from this side all the way across.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Madam, for what I'm about to do to you, I'm very sorry.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54AUDIENCE GASPS AND SCREAMS
0:23:09 > 0:23:11So basically, this is your canvas.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Let's just hope to God that he doesn't get a liquid air.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23The problem with your canvas is it's a bit hairy.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27The logistics of the hair is kind of getting in the way.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32What's that? 18 wheeler!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Now he's legal.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41You could start again, get some white,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44cover it in white quickly, do a wonderful Mona Lisa face. Cover it up.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- There we go. Quick, quick.- Done.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- Look at that.- Lovely.- It really is.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52She's a bit sunburnt on one side.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I'm going to do her eyes evil red.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Yes, fabulous.- That's one eye.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Amazing.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09She's not happy.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18There you go! I enjoyed that immensely.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest!
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Have you heard about the new shoe that Google has invented?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35This new Google invention gives a whole new meaning to the phrase
0:24:35 > 0:24:37sticking your foot in your mouth.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38It's called the talking shoe,
0:24:38 > 0:24:43a concept from Google that is designed to talk back to its user.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- MALE ELECTRONIC VOICE:- Here we go.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I love the feeling of wind in my laces.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Google have invented a talking shoe.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I tell you what, if you worked in the factory where they made them,
0:24:53 > 0:24:57you'd have some fun. Just programme it to go, "Ow, ow, ow."
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Just when they go past a school, "I'm a paedo!"
0:25:04 > 0:25:08"No, it's my shoe! It's the shoe!"
0:25:11 > 0:25:14It would have been great at the Olympics to hear Usain Bolt's shoes.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19Imagine that - "Fucking hell! Slow down, you crazy fucker!"
0:25:20 > 0:25:22What if your shoes are evil?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26And they just whisper at you.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30"Hey you, I want you to jump on the bin. Jump on the bin!"
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Not that it's the weirdest business idea in the news.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Did you hear about this?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Imagine if they did that here? How cool would that be?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- Hi, cappuccino, please.- Sure.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52HE MOUTHS
0:25:55 > 0:26:02Just a lovely cappuccino for you there. And now for my payment.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Oh, I don't have any money on me.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Mum!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10HE GASPS IN HORROR
0:26:10 > 0:26:12You!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Fancy a blow job?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24# Mad world... #
0:26:32 > 0:26:35It was actually all right. I don't know why I'm moaning.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Next up, a really lovely story about a little boy called Harley Lane.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Cheeky, chatty and very energetic,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Harley Lane is like any seven-year-old.
0:26:51 > 0:26:57But four years ago, just walking was a distant dream for Harley
0:26:57 > 0:27:01after he contracted meningitis, and his arms and legs amputated.
0:27:01 > 0:27:06Now he's walking 1.5 kilometres in the Great Manchester Mini Run,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09raising money for the Royal Manchester Children's Hospital.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Hooray! I'll be starting it off
0:27:12 > 0:27:17and also be running it. I might be a bit behind.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Please welcome a very special young man, seven-year-old Harley Lane.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24He began the day as honorary starter
0:27:24 > 0:27:27before heading to the start line himself.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31He'd never walk that far on his prosthetics before, so it was a big
0:27:31 > 0:27:33challenge for him to do it.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Did you sleep well or are you a bit nervous?
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Nervous!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40He needn't have worried, as half an hour later,
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Harley was taking the applause. The bravest of finishes.
0:27:44 > 0:27:49- Tell me what it was like running around there?- Very, very tiring.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53You did absolutely amazing. He's done great. I'm so proud.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56It's the first big thing he's done for long-distance,
0:27:56 > 0:28:00and he's definitely going to remember it for ever. It's amazing.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01In the sporting arena,
0:28:01 > 0:28:05Harley managed to prove you can be a winner just by taking part.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08What a little legend!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10APPLAUSE
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Now it's time for my stand-up guest. He's gigged all round the world,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18he's very funny and a good mate of mine.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Please welcome Mr Jarred Christmas!
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Good evening. Thanks, team. Yeah!
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Whoo! All right. Thanks a lot.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Thanks for having me, everybody. Like you had a choice.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39I guess we'd better sort some things out straight from the top, yeah?
0:28:39 > 0:28:43Deal with some issues. First of all, let's deal with the audio.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47What's going into your ear holes, mate. I'm not from here.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50I'm from somewhere else, from New Zealand.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53There's something about the New Zealand accent, isn't there?
0:28:53 > 0:28:55I'll tell you what it is. It's sexy.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00I know a few of you ladies have been affected in the downstairs
0:29:00 > 0:29:04region already. There's a lot of moisture in the air tonight.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06AUDIENCE GROANS
0:29:06 > 0:29:08It is such a sexy accent, I wouldn't be surprised
0:29:08 > 0:29:12if some of you ladies walked away a little bit pregnant tonight.
0:29:12 > 0:29:13It's one of those risks.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15It also sexy enough that there's probably
0:29:15 > 0:29:18a couple of guys tonight going, "Oh, my God, I've got a semi on."
0:29:18 > 0:29:21And now all the posh people are sitting there going,
0:29:21 > 0:29:24"Semillon? That's a lovely glass of wine.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28"Hmm! I love a vintage Semillon."
0:29:28 > 0:29:30So that's the audio dealt with.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34Ticked that box. We are moving on...to the visuals.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36Or the "viz-u-als" if you're a dick.
0:29:38 > 0:29:39I'm quite a hairy man.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42I don't mind admitting that. Any other hairy men in the room?
0:29:42 > 0:29:44Come on! Roar like the bears you are!
0:29:44 > 0:29:47FEEBLE GROWLING
0:29:47 > 0:29:50"Not really a grizzly bear! More a teddy bear!
0:29:50 > 0:29:52"Come on! Put me in the room with your kids."
0:29:54 > 0:29:55Awkward. Awkward, you're right.
0:29:57 > 0:29:58But at least you admit it.
0:29:58 > 0:30:02There's too many guys out there who are hairy and they don't admit it
0:30:02 > 0:30:04because they think the ladies don't like it.
0:30:04 > 0:30:09Because for too long society has been telling us
0:30:09 > 0:30:11that the ladies don't like body hair on a man!
0:30:11 > 0:30:13FOR TOO LONG...
0:30:14 > 0:30:21..the movies have given us hairless men and told us they are beautiful!
0:30:21 > 0:30:23For too long...
0:30:23 > 0:30:28magazines have said a hairy man is not your ideal man.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31But guess what, ladies? You love it.
0:30:31 > 0:30:36Openly you don't admit it, but it deep down you know there's nothing
0:30:36 > 0:30:40better than rubbing your faces into the downy softness of a man's back.
0:30:40 > 0:30:41GROANING
0:30:41 > 0:30:43It's one of life's little gifts.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46You have not spooned until you've spooned
0:30:46 > 0:30:49and got your face tickled at the same time.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52We all know that famous saying.
0:30:52 > 0:30:56If you want great nookie, bag yourself a Wookiee. We all know that.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04It's on T-shirts. I've got that slogan on my underpants, mate.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Right on my underpants. Love it.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09But I tell you what, I don't like these girls out there
0:31:09 > 0:31:11who've got the attitude of, "Uh! I don't want a hairy man.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13"Eugh, err, uh!
0:31:13 > 0:31:16"I want a man that's hairless and muscly and smooth
0:31:16 > 0:31:19"and sleek and streamlined."
0:31:19 > 0:31:20That's a dolphin.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25You'd just be in bed at night going, "Good night, sweetheart!"
0:31:25 > 0:31:27HE CLICKS LIKE A DOLPHIN
0:31:27 > 0:31:29It's freakish and it's wrong.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31It's the equivalent of men who are obsessed with women
0:31:31 > 0:31:33who are unnaturally thin.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35You know women who are so thin,
0:31:35 > 0:31:38they're like, "Oh, my God, look at me! I am so thin!
0:31:38 > 0:31:40"I am so hungry.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45"I'm so thin, the other day I caught a ride on the back of a sparrow.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48"And it didn't know I was there.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51"I'm so thin, it would like putting your willy
0:31:51 > 0:31:53"into sheet of A4 paper.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56"I'm so thin, if you were to shine a torch on my stomach,
0:31:56 > 0:31:59"it would glow out my back.
0:31:59 > 0:32:00"I'm so thin..." Fuck off!
0:32:00 > 0:32:02APPLAUSE
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Exactly! Thank you!
0:32:04 > 0:32:08Someone had to say it! Someone had to say it!
0:32:08 > 0:32:13And I'll tell you this. I'm not interested in a woman like that.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16What I want is a woman who eats cheeseburgers
0:32:16 > 0:32:17and can protect me in a fight.
0:32:19 > 0:32:24And that is why I married a British girl. It's a true story.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26Married a British girl. Whoo! Passport!
0:32:28 > 0:32:31And I say British, because she's part English, part Welsh,
0:32:31 > 0:32:34which means when I visit the valley...
0:32:35 > 0:32:37..I have to pay.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47The other way is free, though, so...
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Look, she doesn't know I'm doing that joke,
0:32:50 > 0:32:52so it's stays in the room, people. Stays in the room.
0:32:52 > 0:32:56And also, I hope she doesn't watch this. Don't watch this. I love you!
0:32:56 > 0:32:58No, I don't want to show off, but me
0:32:58 > 0:33:00and my wife, we've done the willy-fanny thing,
0:33:00 > 0:33:02boom, we've got a baby. It was pretty romantic.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05And two years later, we did the willy-fanny thing, boom,
0:33:05 > 0:33:08got another baby. I mean, this guy works, doesn't he!
0:33:08 > 0:33:11How awesome is this guy?! I'll tell you how awesome.
0:33:11 > 0:33:12I high-five him every day.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17Now, my oldest daughter is three years old,
0:33:17 > 0:33:20and she wakes up every morning at 6am.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Six o'clock in the morning she's wide-awake and she's happy.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25Oh, she's delighted it's another day!
0:33:25 > 0:33:28And I want to know, at what point in your life does that stop?
0:33:28 > 0:33:31Because if you're an adult and you wake up at 6am
0:33:31 > 0:33:35and you're happy about it, there is something wrong with you.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37If your partner wakes up at six o'clock in the morning
0:33:37 > 0:33:40and the first thing they say, "Whoo! Ready to face the day!
0:33:40 > 0:33:43"Up and at 'em!"
0:33:43 > 0:33:46Get the hell out, you're living with a serial killer.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49My daughter, when she wakes up at six o'clock in the morning,
0:33:49 > 0:33:52she shouts out, "Daddy, it's morning!"
0:33:52 > 0:33:56It's like the most beautiful alarm clock ever that you can't hit
0:33:56 > 0:33:58snooze on because that's child abuse.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03When she calls out, I go into her room
0:34:03 > 0:34:06and I don't want to negatively influence her day.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08So I try and be happy about the fact that I'm in there,
0:34:08 > 0:34:12but that's really hard. It's six o'clock in the morning.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15I don't want to be awake! I stumble into her room.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17I've still got sleep in my eyes. I'm in my boxer shorts.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20I've got a semi on. It's not a good look.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23It's not a good look and at six o'clock in the morning,
0:34:23 > 0:34:25I'm still half dreaming of dragons.
0:34:27 > 0:34:31Yeah, that's right, mate. I dream of dragons.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34You know why? Because I'm a man.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36And men dream of dragons.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39Girls don't dream of dragons. Girls dream of ponies and shit.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41But men dream of dragons.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44You've had the dragon dream, haven't you, mate? I can see it in your eyes.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47I can tell. But there's four types of dragon dream, mate.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49Which one did you have? Don't worry, I can tell.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52I can see it on your face. Did you fight the dragon? No.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55Were you flying on the dragon? No, it wasn't that.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Were you the dragon? No.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00It was the fourth one! You were banging the dragon!
0:35:00 > 0:35:02Good man! Good man!
0:35:04 > 0:35:07You be proud of that, my friend. You be proud of that.
0:35:07 > 0:35:12Because that is one scary mythical beast and you put your dick in it.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Well done. Don't be ashamed.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17Next time someone says to you, "What's your dream?"
0:35:17 > 0:35:21You get right up in their grill and say, "In my dreams, I fuck dragons."
0:35:22 > 0:35:24And I guarantee you won't get that job.
0:35:26 > 0:35:32So...it's a dragon diversion.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35And...just chatting about my daughter waiting at 6am
0:35:35 > 0:35:38and I can't deal with it. I don't understand why.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40She's three years old. What have you got a do?
0:35:40 > 0:35:42Show me your to-do list. Got a lot on your schedule?
0:35:42 > 0:35:45No! You've got nothing! Go back to sleep for three hours.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48The thing she's really obsessed with at the moment
0:35:48 > 0:35:50is that song Gangnam Style.
0:35:50 > 0:35:51Oh! It does my head in!
0:35:51 > 0:35:55I now know why North Korea's kicking off.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58If you're getting that song blasted into your country 24/7,
0:35:58 > 0:36:01that's enough to drive anyone insane.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Yeah, build a nuclear bomb,
0:36:03 > 0:36:06just to drop it on yourself to end the misery.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10The thing is, I want my daughters both to have New Zealand passports.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12I want them to have New Zealand passports
0:36:12 > 0:36:14so when they turn 15, they have to bungee jump.
0:36:14 > 0:36:19Because that's what I did. When I was 15 I did a bungee jump
0:36:19 > 0:36:22off a bridge over a river, and they measured the bungee
0:36:22 > 0:36:24so that my head got dumped in the river.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27It was pretty scary, but I came up with a wild salmon in my mouth.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Good times.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31And then I moved over here and found out you guys were doing
0:36:31 > 0:36:35bungee jumps off cranes over car parks.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39What the hell is wrong with you people?!
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Did you hear about the guy that measured the bungee wrong
0:36:42 > 0:36:45so his face went straight into the car park?
0:36:45 > 0:36:47But he came up with Richard III in his mouth.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Good times. Good times.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Historical and topical.
0:36:55 > 0:36:59One thing I've been really trying to get into over here is football.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01I've been really trying to get into it,
0:37:01 > 0:37:03but I don't like it for this reason.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06I hate it when players go to the ground pretending they're injured
0:37:06 > 0:37:09to try to get a penalty and they curl into the foetal position.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11It's a classic! They go into the foetal position
0:37:11 > 0:37:15and it slows the game down and it's tedious. I want it to change.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18That's what I want to play Premiership football.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20I'll be honest with you,
0:37:20 > 0:37:23I am rubbish and I'm pretty confident I don't know the rules.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26But this is what I will bring to the game.
0:37:26 > 0:37:27If I'm on the field
0:37:27 > 0:37:30and a player drops to the ground pretending to be injured and
0:37:30 > 0:37:33they curl into the foetal position, I'm going to run in and spoon them.
0:37:36 > 0:37:40Really, really tuck in there, get three points of contact,
0:37:40 > 0:37:44stroke their hair going, "It's OK, I love you. I love you."
0:37:44 > 0:37:48They'll be on their feet pretty quick after that, won't they!
0:37:48 > 0:37:50Exactly.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54I'll tell you what, I'll improve the game.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56No-one will go to the ground
0:37:56 > 0:37:59when old Spoony Christmas is on the field!
0:37:59 > 0:38:00Job done.
0:38:00 > 0:38:04I live in quite a middle-class area of London at the moment,
0:38:04 > 0:38:08not showing off, just happened. Thanks.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11And there's a cafe around the corner from my house that my wife loves
0:38:11 > 0:38:14and I don't really like it. I think it's pretty average.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16The coffee's average, the hot chocolate's average
0:38:16 > 0:38:18and all the croissants are all weirdly straight.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20And I keep complaining about that
0:38:20 > 0:38:23and they get angry at me and say, "It's a baguette!"
0:38:23 > 0:38:24Pricks.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28But what I love is they sell yesterday's muffins for half price.
0:38:28 > 0:38:33And I love a bargain. And I love a muffin. Win-win!
0:38:33 > 0:38:35And when you purchase something there,
0:38:35 > 0:38:38they enter in the till and a little screen facing you comes up
0:38:38 > 0:38:40with an abbreviation of what you've just purchased.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42And I'm a proper Kiwi, I love a good abbrevo,
0:38:42 > 0:38:47and the abbrevo for yesterday's muffins - day-old muff.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50Yes! Day-old muff.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:56 > 0:38:58I've put on weight recently. I've put on a lot of weight.
0:38:58 > 0:39:02I know you've been trying to figure out how to tell me politely, but I already know.
0:39:02 > 0:39:05Jeans sizes now, it's about 38-inch waist
0:39:05 > 0:39:08where jeans manufacturers start thinking,
0:39:08 > 0:39:11"This guy could not possibly be shorter than six foot five."
0:39:11 > 0:39:14So you get the really long leg, and you've got two options.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17Either you sacrifice the bottom of your jeans to the
0:39:17 > 0:39:20underside of your heel, or you do the classic turn-up.
0:39:20 > 0:39:24Ah! The turn-up! The signal you've put on weight!
0:39:24 > 0:39:27Ah! The other night I had my jeans turned up,
0:39:27 > 0:39:30undid the turn-up, bit of cookie fell out.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33Now, don't get me wrong, I ate it.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35But it wasn't a high point.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38Because, basically, I'm too fat for my height,
0:39:38 > 0:39:41and I blame that entirely on my height.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44Because I'm average height.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47Average height, you know what average height means?
0:39:47 > 0:39:50Not tall enough to be awesome, not short enough to be magical.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52Just in the middle, boring, average.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55And the other day, my doctor told me I was clinically obese.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58I didn't have an appointment, she just shouted out on the street.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00"What are you basing that on?" She said, "The BMI index."
0:40:00 > 0:40:03"Well, that's the last time I fly that airline!"
0:40:06 > 0:40:07Thanks, guys.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12Deserves one button to be undone on that one, doesn't it?
0:40:12 > 0:40:15But I'll be honest. Here's the truth-bomb time.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17Not even a 38-inch waist.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19I'm a 37-inch waist, which is even worse!
0:40:19 > 0:40:22Because it's in between jeans sizes.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25And they don't make waist sizes in odd-sized numbers,
0:40:25 > 0:40:29so either I have to squeeze in to a size 36 or swim in a 38.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32Now my ego says, "Get in the 36, mate."
0:40:32 > 0:40:34But when I'm in the 36, my thighs are going,
0:40:34 > 0:40:38"Good luck getting upstairs! This shit is tight!"
0:40:38 > 0:40:40Or I swim in the 38, so whenever I bend over,
0:40:40 > 0:40:42I give the dirty smile to the world.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45No-one wants to see that cheeky grin.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48And actually, two weeks ago, I was walking down the street.
0:40:48 > 0:40:49I was in my 38s.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52I had to tie my shoelaces, I bent over, dirty smile pops out,
0:40:52 > 0:40:54and a guy dropped a peanut down my crack.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01How opportunistic was that guy?
0:41:01 > 0:41:03You can't plan for that.
0:41:03 > 0:41:05I don't know what he did that day,
0:41:05 > 0:41:10but he made a series of decisions that put him in the right place
0:41:10 > 0:41:14at the right time with the right snack food for the job.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17Maybe earlier on he went into a shop and he was thinking,
0:41:17 > 0:41:19"I'm a bit peckish, I might buy some crisps."
0:41:19 > 0:41:21Then he sees the peanuts and he's thinking,
0:41:21 > 0:41:23"OMG! I've not had peanuts for years."
0:41:23 > 0:41:25So he buys the peanuts,
0:41:25 > 0:41:27he's walking down the street, feeling pretty smug
0:41:27 > 0:41:30about his snack choice, when suddenly
0:41:30 > 0:41:36he is presented with an opportunity that only a peanut will do.
0:41:36 > 0:41:41Sure, you could try a crisp, but that's going to drift off target.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45Peanut - bang on the money!
0:41:45 > 0:41:48This guy, cool as a cucumber, did not say a word,
0:41:48 > 0:41:51dropped off his payload, continued on his way.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54I'm down there tying my shoelace, I feel something go in,
0:41:54 > 0:41:58I look up, and I know it was a dry-roasted peanut...
0:41:58 > 0:42:01because he was walking away presenting the packet.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04And that was two weeks ago, and I'll be honest with you,
0:42:04 > 0:42:06I've not found that peanut.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08LAUGHTER
0:42:08 > 0:42:10I've been Jarred Christmas! Good night!
0:42:13 > 0:42:15Give it up for Jarred Christmas!
0:42:18 > 0:42:22That's Good News. Good night, my friends, good night.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd