0:00:01 > 0:00:02This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Hello! Welcome to my show.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Every week I'm hunting high and low for stories to make you laugh.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38I could do with a giggle - my erotic video, "Russell How Hard",
0:00:38 > 0:00:41hasn't gone down as well as I'd hoped.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50What the hell? Get out of here, Jackie!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Argh!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56I'm pretty sure that Bill Turnbull's become a vampire.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Time to get the news where you are.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04Did you see somebody told Lady Gaga that Barack Obama was deaf?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Obama, I know that you're listening.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Are you listening?!
0:01:11 > 0:01:16Has anyone else noticed how scary school trips are getting?
0:01:16 > 0:01:20We role-play a working-class Victorian funeral.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27"But John said we were going to Disneyland!"
0:01:27 > 0:01:32Ever so sorry to have to tell you that John has died.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38No!
0:01:39 > 0:01:43I can't believe John's gone!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Why?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Hey! You forgot to introduce me!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I'm Colin, the talking ostrich.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54What was I thinking?
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Hmm. Can't do a show without a talking ostrich, can you?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I know there'll be people going, "There's nothing funny about politics."
0:02:04 > 0:02:06You obviously didn't see the recent conferences.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11Here are my highlights - Gordon Brown struggled at times to hold everyone's attention.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17GORDON BROWN: Let me say this also...
0:02:18 > 0:02:21A Lib Dem MEP went crazy.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- I hate the dirty cheating- BLEEP- !
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Jeremy Paxman was really bored.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37"I'm so bored. I can't wait to interview Boris Johnson, put my finger in my ear and sniff it."
0:02:37 > 0:02:41..to be given the opportunity they were denied
0:02:41 > 0:02:44by the Labour Government.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Johnson, as ever, was on phenomenal form.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Manchester! One of the few great British cities I have yet to insult!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I tell you what, though, conference season brings out some strange questions.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Didn't your mum ever tell you if you lie down with dogs,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06especially mad dogs, you get fleas?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10No, no-one's mum has ever said that.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13"Wake up, Russ!" "What is it, Mum?" "Don't lie down with a mad dog!"
0:03:13 > 0:03:16"And never give a cat a reach-around!"
0:03:16 > 0:03:18CAT SCREECHES
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Genuine noise there of a cat being given a reach-around -
0:03:21 > 0:03:25it's when you masturbate from behind, it used to be called the trombone.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28David Cameron was heavily crit... That probably won't stay in the show!
0:03:30 > 0:03:36It would be quite nice if at that point we learn how clever cats are, if they're in someone's front room...
0:03:36 > 0:03:39"Oh!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42"Oh, so that's how you do it."
0:03:42 > 0:03:46David Cameron was heavily criticised for being in the Bullingdon Club when he was younger.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49They used to gorge, puke and smash up shop windows, but, come on,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52we've all done stuff in our youth we're not proud of!
0:03:52 > 0:03:53This is me aged eight.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57MICHAEL JACKSON: # And no message could have been any clearer
0:03:57 > 0:04:00# If you wanna make the world a better place
0:04:00 > 0:04:04# Take a look at yourself and make the change, yeah. #
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Mm!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Somebody did a wolf whistle then!
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I was eight years old!
0:04:19 > 0:04:24I'm eight years old, you beast! "Dress him up as a cat!"
0:04:24 > 0:04:29Sarah Brown...gave her husband the introduction of a lifetime.
0:04:29 > 0:04:35My husband, my hero, the leader of our Labour Party, Prime Minister, Gordon Brown.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37It's lovely, innit, but imagine if they'd had a row,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39"You know him as the Prime Minister,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43"I know him as the man who puts my clothes when I go to the shops!"
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Trust me, that is awkward!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Argh!
0:04:51 > 0:04:57So, everyone was offering change, the Tories were in the lead and Labour got dropped by The Sun.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Peter Mandelson was absolutely livid.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02What was I supposed to have said?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04You used a four-lettered word, the C word.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06No, I said "chumps"!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Further to the right, BNP leader Nick Griffin is appearing on Question Time.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17There's extra security outside BBC TV Centre ahead of
0:05:17 > 0:05:20BNP leader Nick Griffin appearing on Question Time.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23People are saying, "What if he seduces the nation?" He won't!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25He rants on about keeping the bloodlines pure, but look at him!
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Who wants to preserve that gene pool?
0:05:29 > 0:05:33He looks like someone has stretched luncheon meat over a toad!
0:05:33 > 0:05:37He won't win us over! Have you actually listened to him?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39There's no such thing as a black Welshman.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41You can have a black Briton, but not a black Welshman.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Really?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Colin Jackson - pretty black, pretty Welsh.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Pretty rare you get to say that and hold the moral high ground.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54"Colin Jackson - pretty black, pretty Welsh."
0:05:54 > 0:05:59We're just not going to vote for him, are we? Did you see when he got elected as an MEP?
0:05:59 > 0:06:06They considered staying put, but as the eggs came in, Nick Griffin and his team took flight.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15What was hilarious, the Star newspaper challenged the nation to throw a chapati in his face.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18I'd have gone, "Nice one!
0:06:18 > 0:06:23"Stage one - you've egged him. Stage two - curry. Stage three - poppadom.
0:06:23 > 0:06:29"Stage four - strangle him with chow mein. And stage five - put him in a cannon and fire him into Mozambique."
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Racism has been everywhere recently.
0:06:33 > 0:06:38Dancer Anton du Beke told his dance partner she looked like a "Paki".
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Laila Rouass is half Indian.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42She'd just had a spray tan when the remark was made.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46What an idiot! Regardless of the fact it's offensive, everybody knows
0:06:46 > 0:06:49if a woman's had a spray tan she looks like this guy...
0:06:51 > 0:06:58Du Beke, real name Tony Beak, apologised and then this man stepped forward as our nation's racial czar!
0:06:58 > 0:07:03Brucie, a man who looks like a ball bag sprinkled with hay.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07BRUCIE: 'We used to have a sense of humour about this.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11'You go back 25, 30, 40 years, there's always been
0:07:11 > 0:07:15'a sense... a little bit of humour about the thing.'
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Too right, Bruce, what's it come to when I can't walk into a pub and shout the word "darkie"?
0:07:19 > 0:07:26You moron! I used to stick Marlboros up my brother's arse, I don't do it now, it's called "progress"!
0:07:26 > 0:07:30'At one time, the Americans used to call us "limeys".
0:07:30 > 0:07:33'It doesn't sound very nice, but we used to laugh about it.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34'Everybody has a nickname.'
0:07:34 > 0:07:36You've still got a nickname in our house.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- Forsyth? He's a- BLEEP BLEEP- idiot.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Right, here's the next bit. Now...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Sorry.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Now... Sorry about that. Sometimes you get really nervous in front of cameras.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53You've constantly said you can't comment on the situation,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56because it was a Scottish dish... a Scottish decision,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59but how come MPs or the Prime Minister,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02who's a Sco... who holds a Scottish constituency,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04can comment and also vote on
0:08:04 > 0:08:06matters that are strictly relating to England?
0:08:06 > 0:08:11Ah! We all get like that, poor guy, but if you look carefully, you'll
0:08:11 > 0:08:15see what is making him nervous - but only if you look very carefully.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19You've constantly said you can't comment on the situation because it was a Scottish...
0:08:21 > 0:08:25..Scottish decision, but how come MPs or the Prime Minister, who's a Sco...
0:08:27 > 0:08:33who holds a Scottish constituency, can comment and also vote on matters that are...
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Scientists have made a peculiar discovery this week.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Apparently sperm makes you younger.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53You can't help thinking scientists are just making this up to get more action with their wives!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56"Sperm makes you look younger." "Does it, dear?"
0:08:56 > 0:09:00"Yeah. And I tell you what, love, wanna improve your memory? Anal."
0:09:00 > 0:09:05"Really?" "Would I lie, darling? I'm a scientist!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07"Fetch the lube."
0:09:07 > 0:09:12Do you know how they found this out? This is so horrible, they did research on mice.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15They must be the unluckest animals in the world.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19First we grow ears on their back, and now we've got a scientist wanking on them.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22We think we've got a tough life!
0:09:32 > 0:09:37It's grubby, but if this story is true, teenage boys will no longer be
0:09:37 > 0:09:42looked upon as awkward filthmongers, but as selfless life-giving gods.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Have we got any teenage boys?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Right, stand up. Look at you, wahey!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Surprised you have the strength to raise your hand!
0:09:52 > 0:09:57- What's... What's your name?- Shaun.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00You sound terrified, "I'm Shaun"!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Stand up, Shaun.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Masturbating is good.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10Apparently, sperm can cure Alzheimer's, so, Shaun, I want everyone to chant his name.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13He's a life-giving god! Shaun, Shaun, Shaun!
0:10:13 > 0:10:18CHANTING: Shaun, Shaun, Shaun!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21You take that home, Shaun! And you wank over your nan
0:10:21 > 0:10:24until she remembers who you are!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Shaun, ladies and gentlemen!
0:10:31 > 0:10:36What would have been awkward at that moment, if Shaun went, "She's dead."
0:10:36 > 0:10:39It might bring her back to life.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Don't do that, actually, that would be repellent.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45"What are you doing?" "Scientists told me!"
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Over in New York, a worried rabbi has come up with a unique way to protect his flock.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Meet Rabbi Gary Moscovitz.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07But why is he urging them to use violence?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Why should we have to pray in fear?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12You can't be spiritual if you're dead.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14You can't be spiritual when you're dead?
0:11:14 > 0:11:19Surely you're at your most spiritual when you're dead, in that you're hanging out with God!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Not surprisingly, people have poked fun.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24You've heard nicknames?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27A lot. Rambowitz, Rabbi Rambo,
0:11:27 > 0:11:32the God Squad. I don't know how people think about these things.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37I can't believe in the current climate that no-one went for the Karate Yid.
0:11:40 > 0:11:45Maybe he's not overreacting - terror threats are getting pretty strange.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47A new concern - al-Qaeda terrorists are adopting
0:11:47 > 0:11:52a dangerous and virtually undetectable method to smuggle bombs
0:11:52 > 0:11:57then detonate them, hiding them inside their bodies,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00like drug mules are known to hide drugs.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I'm surprised she didn't wink at the camera and go...
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Why are we worried? It's gonna be fairly easy to spot.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15A bomb up your arse, tell you what - if you were that suicide bomber,
0:12:15 > 0:12:20just before you detonated, you'd totally go, "Pull my finger."
0:12:20 > 0:12:23You'd have to. Some of you may be concerned,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26but fear not, in Blighty we've come up with the answer.
0:12:26 > 0:12:31Over in the corner, a company that trains bees to detect bombs.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36Brilliant, isn't it? Hang on, don't bees communication through dance?
0:12:36 > 0:12:41If a dog barks, you know there's trouble - with bees, it's gonna be tricky.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45SONG: "La Bamba"
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I don't understand, where's the bomb?
0:12:47 > 0:12:53IRISH JIG
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Seriously, Mr Bee, I need to know!
0:12:55 > 0:13:02RAVE MUSIC
0:13:02 > 0:13:06See, it's gonna be impossible!
0:13:13 > 0:13:18Here we go, yet another report telling us how bad it is to live in Britain.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23Come on, we also have loads of tiny things that make the country spectacular.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Football chants.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Nobody does chants like the British.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Scottish goalkeeper Andy Goram was diagnosed with schizophrenia,
0:13:41 > 0:13:47the next game, his own fans chanted, "There's only two Andy Gorams!"
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Funny place names.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53It's a good day, it's a good day.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57We've got loads in the West Country. Every place in the West Country
0:13:57 > 0:14:00sounds like a pervert. You picture them in a pub.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03All right, there, Chew Magna?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05All right, Farrington Gurney.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07INDISTINCT
0:14:07 > 0:14:12Oh, he's off making a porno with Queen Camel and Long Load.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Here, give us a go on the hammer.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- With pleasure.- Oh, that's nice.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Some of you probably think we made the names up. Think again.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34We have another thing in this country, probably my favourite thing, and that's this.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Old people who don't give a shit.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Look at this brazen thief, who was recently in the news.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43"Oh, look, a purse.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46"Thank you.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48"Good luck, finding me, coppers.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52"I think you'll find all old ladies look the same."
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Sometimes we have to search for the funny in the news.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Sometimes it's staring us in the face.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Look how many times this guy appears to be checking out her Rodneys.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59There's going to be a mystery guest.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Someone who's featured in the news recently and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- Hello, nice to meet you.- Hello. Nice to meet you.- Pleasure.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I don't really know where to begin, I'll be honest with you.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Can you tell me what your day consists of?
0:16:25 > 0:16:29How would you start the day? You've got piercings, I notice, straightaway.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- Is there one on your tongue?- No.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Cos apparently.... We'll chat about that later!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- So, what does your day consist of? - What's my...?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42It feels like I'm coming on to you.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46Tell me what your day's like. Do you want some Werther's Originals, darling?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I'm not telling you that!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51It's going to be tricky to find out what you do if you don't tell me anything.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- I travel a lot.- You travel a lot.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57OK. Um, where have you travelled recently?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Barcelona.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04- Has that anything to do with why you are in the news?- Yes.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05OK.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- Right.- Yes. Have another guess.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11I will.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17It's like a pub quiz and there's just you and me in it!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Whereabouts did you do this thing?
0:17:22 > 0:17:23What, in Barcelona?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- I went to a convention.- You went to a convention in Barcelona?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Right. Were there lots of people there?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Mm-hmm. Hot.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35What were you doing? What was the convention about?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Do you really want to know? - Absolutely!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Have another guess.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46LAUGHTER
0:17:46 > 0:17:48I haven't had one yet.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Wow! That's amazing.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55So, presumably it was some sort of tattoo convention.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Either that or you've been dipped in acid.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00What's going on here? This is...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- Whoa!- Oh yes.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I'm looking forward to it.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Some music playing, which is nice.
0:18:14 > 0:18:20AUDIENCE CLAP
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Can we stop the music? I'll be honest, this is
0:18:33 > 0:18:36without doubt the weirdest moment of my career thus far.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39It looks a bit like you've fallen asleep against a map.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43It looks lovely. Erm, I imagine...
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I am the most tattooed senior woman in the world.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- The most tatooed senior woman?- Yes.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49WHISTLING Wait.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51We've got a system.
0:18:51 > 0:18:56You could be the most tattooed woman in the world, we just have to kill off some young 'uns.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Can I draw one on you?
0:19:01 > 0:19:02- Is that allowed?- No! No!
0:19:02 > 0:19:09"No, I don't want to make a fool of myself!" Well, thank you. It was a pleasure to meet you.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Please give it up for my topical guest.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Fantastic.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Well, this is mainly for the production staff.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32I'm gonna put forward a suggestion. How about I have some say in who the mystery guest is going to be?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36That was a pensioner with bangers hanging out.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38And I've got to be charming with her!
0:19:38 > 0:19:42MIMICS THE GUEST LAUGHING
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Um, where did you first get a tattoo?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52MIMICS HER SCREAMING
0:19:53 > 0:19:54What is wrong with you people?!
0:19:54 > 0:19:57You can't go on national TV with...
0:20:03 > 0:20:06So, what's been happening in America?
0:20:06 > 0:20:11Barack Obama has said he will end the ban on people being openly gay in the US military.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16We should not be punishing patriotic Americans who have stepped forward to serve this country.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19We should be celebrating their willingness to show such courage
0:20:19 > 0:20:22and selflessness on behalf of their fellow citizens.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Which, to any reasonable person, makes sense.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26However, some people don't agree.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31If the world was a gay world, then it would end with
0:20:31 > 0:20:34the present generation, Mr Long-legged Mac Daddy.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42What did you call the President of the United States?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Mr Long-legged Mac Daddy.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Did you call him anything else?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Mr Phoney Nobel Peace Prize Winner,
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Mr Fraudulent Illegal Alien Fraudulent Alleged President.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Why is it that bigots always think they're irresistable to gay men?
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Like, they'll be in Afghanistan and suddenly start banging their wangs against your gun.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06"Stop it Tony!" # "I am what I am!" #
0:21:07 > 0:21:13So, in an attempt to stop homophobia, what exactly is Mr Long-legged Mac Daddy doing?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I believe, "Don't ask, don't tell" doesn't contribute to our national security.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19"Don't ask, don't tell" means you can be gay,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22but nobody can ask you if you are and you're not allowed to tell them.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24I'm totally up for gays in the army.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27But that means you're left with "Must ask, must tell",
0:21:27 > 0:21:32and I don't know about you, but gay, straight, bi, I don't want to hear about my mate's sex lives.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Oh, you would have loved it, Russ. Me and the wife were going at it every position.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40We got doggie, her on top, me on top, in and out, in and out.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Then this dwarf joins in.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45There's a guy in the corner, he's got his nuts in some wax.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48And no-one knows why, Russ.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51We were all laughing. Then we all start banging again.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Really banging.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Every position, you know.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Oh, you should have been there, Russ.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- Want a biscuit?- No!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02People say gays will affect morale, but surely,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05if they're all shagging, they'll really look out for each other?
0:22:05 > 0:22:09"Don't let Kevin die, he's a deep-throater!
0:22:09 > 0:22:14"He's got an arse like a peach, no!"
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Have you seen the new exhibit at the Tate Modern?
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Well, this is the latest installation at the Tate Modern.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29It's effectively a huge metal container.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32It's 15 metres tall and 30 metres long.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34So, in other words, a box.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37They haven't really thought this through. A big, dark box.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40That's gonna be an excellent hiding place for a pervert.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44WOMAN SCREAMS
0:22:44 > 0:22:46MAN CHUCKLES
0:22:46 > 0:22:50I'm not a total philistine. This week also marked the end of the plinth in Trafalgar square,
0:22:50 > 0:22:51which I quite enjoyed.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02My favourite was the Loughborough girl who dressed up as a pigeon.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05It was funny because people were like,
0:23:05 > 0:23:09"Are you highlighting how we can no longer feed pigeons in Trafalgar Square?"
0:23:09 > 0:23:13And she went, "No, I just quite like dressing up as a pigeon."
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Now, this is a crime story about a robot.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Can anyone guess what it's about?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- Man gropes a robot. - Good answer.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37That's the correct answer.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39How brilliant was that?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41And the way you said it - "Man gropes robot".
0:23:41 > 0:23:45It's like you've been waiting your entire life just saying that.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I can handle this, lads, stand back.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49# This is my moment. #
0:23:49 > 0:23:53You're right, a man in China was cautioned for groping a robot.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Are there blokes rubbing themselves against household appliances?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Dirty fridge, sexy blender.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Imagine what his hoover looks like?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06You're safe now, Henry!
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I'll put a smile on your face again.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Pretty weird, ain't it? Even weirder, look at this story.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20How can you psychologically damage a cow?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Put up a poster of this fella.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Or did they go up to the cow wearing a leather catsuit just going, "Where's your dad?
0:24:29 > 0:24:36"That's right. I'm wearing him! Oh yeah! How do you like that, eight bellies?"
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Apparently it was neither of these things.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41It turns out he was keeping them in the dark.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44And by that, I don't mean he kept rumours from them.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49"Really? The cockerel with the sheep? Mercy!"
0:24:49 > 0:24:52I mean, he kept them in the dark, dark.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55It's difficult to see how darkness can be damaging to a cow.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57They're not big readers.
0:24:57 > 0:25:03Not like they're going, "Lights out, brilliant(!) How the hell am I going to know who Kaiser Soze is?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06"And how did I pick up a book with hooves?"
0:25:08 > 0:25:12If they're in the dark, that's an excellent hiding place for a pervert.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14MOOING
0:25:15 > 0:25:17MAN CHUCKLES
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Right, did you hear about this?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25A great story here in The Mail. About dinosaurs.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29We think they were killed by meteors or whatever,
0:25:29 > 0:25:32but apparently T-Rex was wiped out,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34according to the Mail, by a sore threat.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39Of course they did. With their tiny hands, they can't reach for the Strepsil.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44"Again, again. I'll get there.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52"Oh! I die."
0:25:52 > 0:25:56We've also learned how our ancestors used to interact.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Scientists speculated in this environment, males walking upright
0:26:00 > 0:26:04could carry more food, making them more aattractive to females.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06To be honest, this is still true.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10# I wonder why
0:26:10 > 0:26:13# He's the greatest dancer... #
0:26:16 > 0:26:19We've also learned what happens when you have a near-death experience.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22There's a very black, blackness,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24much blacker than any black on this earth.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27And I thought that, "Oh, that's very black."
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Just kind of black then.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38Then the next thing, out of the blackness, the Virgin Mary just loomed.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42And I thought, "Oh, that's the Virgin Mary."
0:26:42 > 0:26:47And she just looked at me and then I floated off. I went to this place.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49It was all white. All different shades of white.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53But, tell me, what vehicle takes you to heaven?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55And there was a van, parked.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59I thought, "Oh, that's waiting to take me to heaven."
0:26:59 > 0:27:02A van? Is it really a van?
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Get in the back of the van!
0:27:18 > 0:27:21I tell you what, I would not want to be this guy.
0:27:21 > 0:27:27A student has been charged after being photographed urinating on a war memorial in Sheffield.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32Philip Lang's accused of outraging public decency on Sunday.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34What a tool. I say, as an act of revenge, when
0:27:34 > 0:27:41he passes his degree, we line up all the surviving members of World War Two and we let them piss on him.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Wouldn't that be great? "Pass me the Volvic, Russ.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47"Oi, Philip, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?
0:27:47 > 0:27:51"Should have worn your goggles, shouldn't you?"
0:27:51 > 0:27:55The frustrating thing is people read this and go, "One young person
0:27:55 > 0:27:59"did something despicable, all young people are despicable."
0:27:59 > 0:28:03And it's not true. It's all part of this media bias to suggest that all young people are savages.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Which isn't true. Some of the stories have been a bit bleak,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10but this story puts your faith back in humanity.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14This young man helped to solve a rape case and was offered a huge reward. Look at what he did.
0:28:14 > 0:28:20So, yeah, they told me I was entitled to some reward money,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22but I gave it to the victim, really.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23REPORTER: Why?
0:28:23 > 0:28:28Um... I didn't feel like I deserved it at all.
0:28:28 > 0:28:34And the state that the girl was in after the incident, I really thought
0:28:34 > 0:28:38it would go towards making her life a hell of a lot better than myself.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41There you go. APPLAUSE
0:28:41 > 0:28:42Beautiful.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46See, not everyone's a dick.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Thanks for watching. Have a good night. See ya.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:21 > 0:29:24E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk