0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Hello.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Hello, and welcome to my show.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Every week, I'll be hunting far and wide for stories that make you laugh.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I've got a feeling this will be one of the best shows ever.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43But then, like Esther Rantzen, I'm a dreamer.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I want Luton to be at least at much fun as Milton Keynes.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52That's right, Luton. Milton Keynes and then one day...Swindon.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Tell you what, Harriet Harman's looking rough.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57I am Harriet Harman.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Could be worse, at least you didn't appear to shit yourself at work.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08Thank you very much. Am I the only person who has...? Oh, no.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16This is weird. Did you hear MPs have been rubbing their nuts with a cheese grater?
0:01:16 > 0:01:20How raw are MPs feeling down there tonight?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31So, what's the big news this week?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34This week's postal strike is still set for Thursday.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39The postal strike rumbles on. People say, "Are you going to take the Mickey out of the postman?"
0:01:39 > 0:01:42No, they know where I live!
0:01:42 > 0:01:46I do a joke, the next thing, there's a turd in my letter box.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Besides, some of them have had a tough time.
0:01:49 > 0:01:54- Oh, s...- BLEEP- the bed. This strike's doing my- BLEEP- head in.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58- They're treating old Pat like a- BLEEP- rammer.
0:01:58 > 0:02:05Poor Pat. He's had a hard week. First the strike and, secondly, he's had death threats off the BNP
0:02:05 > 0:02:09for having a black-and-white cat.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Talking of the BNP, did you see Nick Griffin on Question Time?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16MUSIC: "The Imperial March" from The Empire Strikes Back
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Can we get the gate open, please?
0:02:22 > 0:02:26So what did the papers make of it? The Daily Mail went for -
0:02:28 > 0:02:32The Daily Record went for -
0:02:32 > 0:02:34But what did the Express go with?
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Never mind Griffin, she was the people's princess.
0:02:41 > 0:02:47Did you see Griffin on Question Time? At times, I thought he came across as a bit extreme.
0:02:47 > 0:02:53Isn't that rather in line with your view that people find homosexual creatures repulsive,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56as you said, about homosexuals?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58RECORDING OF HITLER
0:03:03 > 0:03:05He got one thing right, though.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I am the most loathed man in Britain.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13This man was delighted.
0:03:13 > 0:03:19Guided tours in the Lake District are being cancelled, because only white people were going on them.
0:03:19 > 0:03:25No! We can't go on a ramble!
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Soon they'll be replacing Post Offices with reggae clubs.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Moron. People were worried he was going to connect with the man in the street.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36The man in the street had other ideas.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39This is a question to Dick Griff... Beg your pardon, Nick.
0:03:40 > 0:03:47Classic, isn't it? Dick Griffin. You know he was high-fiving his mates. "I done it, called him Dick Griffin.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52"On telly, called him Dick Griffin." "What happened to David Dimble-wee?" "I got ONE in!"
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Did you see the crowd? They looked terrified.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00Every cutaway to them, they were going, "Shit, I'm on telly. Don't look racist. Down with Griffin.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02"Find the black man, hug the black man."
0:04:04 > 0:04:11Eight million people watched it. What's more amazing, while it was on, 7,000 people watched this.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Animal Cops.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17"Witness the BNP exposed as nonsense?
0:04:17 > 0:04:22"No, thank you, Russ. I'm watching a man getting arrested for sticking a Berocca in a dolphin's blowhole."
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Did you see the protest? It was amazing. People were enraged.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30What I liked, in the midst of all this racial tension,
0:04:30 > 0:04:34one fat guy just wanted to get on telly.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37MUSIC: "Always Right Behind You" by The Zutons
0:04:37 > 0:04:40MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Back to you, John.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20So, here's a question we've been asking ourselves this week.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24When it comes to android sex dolls, how do you know if you have quality?
0:05:26 > 0:05:30I know this one. You can shag her AND charge your iPhone.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35People are saying it's really life like. Come on, it's still a computer.
0:05:35 > 0:05:40Wouldn't that be horrific? You're having sex and the Microsoft paperclip arrives.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44You're trying to have a shag. "Hello! I see you are trying to have a shag."
0:05:44 > 0:05:48"Not now, paperclip." "Touch her on the wingdings." "NO!"
0:05:48 > 0:05:54What if she gives you a virus? You spend all week rubbing Norton on your plums.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58That sounds weird. I mean the software, not Graham!
0:06:02 > 0:06:06With its "heavy breathing feature and life-like quality
0:06:06 > 0:06:09"you really get a lot of bang for your buck."
0:06:09 > 0:06:15Heavy breathing?! If you want sex and heavy breathing, don't buy a doll, just bang an asthmatic.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER
0:06:16 > 0:06:20If you want it to look like a robot, just cover her in tinfoil...
0:06:20 > 0:06:23but never during a thunder storm.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Unbelievably, people actually WANT this monstrous thing.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29This is the perfect woman.
0:06:29 > 0:06:35No, she's not. She's not the perfect woman. She's not real. You can't have a curry with her,
0:06:35 > 0:06:41watch the X Factor, and vote for John and Edward just to piss off Simon Cowell.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44CHEERING
0:06:44 > 0:06:49I can only think of one advantage. A robot lady won't be affected by this.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Meet the micro piglets.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Eight of them.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59The latest arrivals just four days old.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02But even when they're fully grown, they won't get much bigger.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Listen to yourselves, would you? Stop it!
0:07:06 > 0:07:08"Aw!"
0:07:08 > 0:07:13You've gone from educated women to dribbling wrecks. "I want one!"
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I hate stuff like this!
0:07:15 > 0:07:20My girlfriend is training to be a doctor. When she sees this, she goes mad, "Get me a pig!"
0:07:20 > 0:07:24"You're not having a pig." "I will kill you in your sleep."
0:07:24 > 0:07:28We have a dog, a kitten, we can't have a pig. It's too dangerous.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31You couldn't have this near a drunk man.
0:07:31 > 0:07:38Imagine getting home drunk you see it, "Oh, there's a pig there, he's cute. He is lovely and cute.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40"But he looks tasty.
0:07:40 > 0:07:45"Where is the George Foreman grill?"
0:07:45 > 0:07:47"WAH!"
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"WAH!"
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I'm fed up with cute animals.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Stop it! Listen to yourselves! Stop making that noise!
0:08:00 > 0:08:05Seriously, they're just cute, they don't DO anything!
0:08:05 > 0:08:10Let's breed useful, I say we breed mini zebras. That would be good. You could take them to Tesco
0:08:10 > 0:08:14and watch in delight as the girl goes, "I can't find the barcode".
0:08:15 > 0:08:22That's a useful thing. We can have mini rhinos, they can open bottle tops.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25What would be the best - I thought about this - mini elephants.
0:08:25 > 0:08:32You run out of toilet paper, can you imagine the feeling, as a tiny mini elephant blasts your ring piece.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Everybody's happy, aren't they?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Not everybody, obviously the elephant is mortified.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40That is a horrific existence.
0:08:40 > 0:08:46"All I do is clean the arse of a man who looks like H from Steps."
0:08:51 > 0:08:54So, swine flu is back in the news.
0:08:54 > 0:08:59President Barack Obama has declared H1N1 flu a national emergency.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04He wanted to protect American children, whereas the English kids didn't give a shit.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Children need to have been in contact with the 12-year-old
0:09:07 > 0:09:11for at least 15 minutes to be at high risk.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17The Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, has made the headlines again.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Silvio Berlusconi has said he is the most persecuted person
0:09:20 > 0:09:22in the entire history of the world.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30You're not. You're the jammiest man in history. You have got away with outrageous stuff.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35After the earthquake in Italy, people were living in makeshift tents and what did you say to them?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38'They have hot meals, shelter at night.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40'It's like a weekend of camping.'
0:09:41 > 0:09:46That is taking the piss. "Ay! Pretend you're on holiday!"
0:09:46 > 0:09:51"You have lost a leg. Don't worry about it - you can do a good impression of a flamingo!"
0:09:51 > 0:09:53"Cheer up, you dusty fuckers.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58"Yeah, you only got one eye. Everybody loves pirates."
0:09:58 > 0:10:02It's outrageous. He can say anything and get away with it.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28It's horrific, yet they're cheering. They love him.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30He could dunk his dick in Dolmio, cock-slap the Pope
0:10:30 > 0:10:35and Italians would still go, "Ay, Silvio, you want to kiss my baby?"
0:10:40 > 0:10:44So most recession stories are full of misery. This beauty bucks the trend.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51We're happier during the credit crunch as we spend more time with family.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Makes sense. My family are wonderful.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57At a recent wedding, I was at a church in Plymouth. My cousin was getting married.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00It overlooked this beach. Do you know what my cousin had done in the beach?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03He'd drawn a 30-foot cock.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09The photos had to be taken on the other side of the church
0:11:09 > 0:11:12so we didn't overlook this massive sandy wang.
0:11:12 > 0:11:17It was the highlight of the wedding. I overheard my auntie go, "Did you see the bell end? Priceless"
0:11:19 > 0:11:23A well-placed cock in the sand can always make you happy and it's free.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27I tell you what else is free - flirting. A recent report suggests it's good for us.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30If that's the case, this guy must be feeling fantastic.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35OK, Max, you are one handsome guy.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40Whoa. I don't normally like to fly, but I am changing my mind.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Baby doll wants to play.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Birdie. Final answer.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49I hear the little birdie, you're right.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52For me, it's a miracle.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55You ARE a miracle. Going for 200.
0:11:55 > 0:12:01But... I know, it's pathetic. I am an old horny woman, all right?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07To be honest, the questions aren't really helping her.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08For 200.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15SHE LAUGHS
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Anywhere you want to put it, Max.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25We can't actually show you the rest of that clip, but that man will never walk again!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Also this report goes on to state the obvious
0:12:28 > 0:12:32by claiming that hanging round with your male mates is bad for your health.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I could have told you that.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42This is a really weird story. I don't know if you've read about this, it's great.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Now, we all know this song.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48# Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
0:12:48 > 0:12:53# Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
0:12:53 > 0:12:57# All the kings horses and all the kings men... #
0:12:57 > 0:13:00COULD put Humpty together again.
0:13:00 > 0:13:07Yes, this is the bizarre story - the BBC have changed the ending of Humpty Dumpty...
0:13:07 > 0:13:10so that it doesn't scare children.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Do we really want right-on nursery rhymes?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15There was an old woman who lived in a shoe...
0:13:15 > 0:13:17so she was given sheltered accommodation.
0:13:19 > 0:13:25Wee Willie Winkie ran around the town, got caught and is now doing time in a nonce wing.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Why do kids need protecting? I have never had nursery rhyme flashbacks.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Argh. No!
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Humpty!
0:13:38 > 0:13:44It seems daft. Kids don't form a bond with an egg after one sentence
0:13:44 > 0:13:47and if they do, they quickly forget why they are upset.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Humpty Dumpty's had a fall. He was my best friend.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Ooh, chocolate.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Kids are fickle.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56BABY CRIES
0:13:56 > 0:13:57MUSIC PLAYS
0:14:00 > 0:14:01MUSIC STOPS
0:14:01 > 0:14:03MUSIC: "Mary Had a Little Lamb"
0:14:07 > 0:14:12Nursery rhymes aren't scary, these guys are scary.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20This is a part of the show I'm leaving in the hands of the production team
0:14:20 > 0:14:22and they've done well thus far.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27Last week, they found me a babbling lunatic who got her tits out on telly and I had to talk to her.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Cheers, guys(!)
0:14:29 > 0:14:33They find me a guest. I have to find out why they're in the news this week.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36So please, help me bring on my mystery guest.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37APPLAUSE
0:14:37 > 0:14:40MUSIC: Theme from "The Addams Family"
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Stand.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Stand, Mr Howard. Stand.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56This is weird already.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01It feels like the beginning of a properly X-rated porno.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I wouldn't know such vulgarity.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06I have some videos...
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- DVDs, actually.- Ah.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Well, ask me something, Howard!
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I am having so many flashbacks, this is weird.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Will I ever see my parents again?
0:15:27 > 0:15:33- So, what does your day consist of? - My day? It consists of examining ladies, mostly.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39We've got ladies in the room. Do you want to show me how you do that?
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Well, it depends if they have three nipples.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I will check.
0:15:46 > 0:15:52- But I...- Wait, let's not throw THAT away. Lily Allen might be here.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56She has three nipples. Has anyone here got three nipples?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58As if you are going to admit on telly! Hey!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Barry, Steven, Nathan.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Why ladies with three nipples?
0:16:03 > 0:16:07It proves they have been suckling on the poisoned teat of Satan's breast.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Ah!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12How does it prove that, exactly?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15You are not up-to-date with such affairs are you?
0:16:15 > 0:16:20- I'm not.- Would you like to take the test?- I would. I'd look forward to that.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23This test will prove whether you are in league with the devil
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- and indeed a servant of Satan.- OK.- Take a seat.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33Now, if you weigh less than the Bible...
0:16:33 > 0:16:34LAUGHTER
0:16:34 > 0:16:38..then you are, indeed, an evil no-gooder.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41It's working, it's working. It's...
0:16:41 > 0:16:42YOU...
0:16:42 > 0:16:44ARE A WITCH!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46A witch. Everyone!
0:16:46 > 0:16:50ALL: Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- The test is complete. You can come off.- Thank you very much.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56So I'm a witch. Sweet.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58I am none the wiser, but like you.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00LAUGHTER
0:17:00 > 0:17:03What do you do? It's difficult to tell, really.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08- I presume you work at the London Dungeon in some form? - Well done, sir. Yes.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10In what capacity? What's your actual name?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12My name? My name is...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Matthew Hopkins.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Excellent. I thought that was going to be a lot grander.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Do you not know your history, Howard?- I don't.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25- If you mock the name Matthew Hopkins...- I mock it to your face.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31I call you Matthew Cock-pins, that's what I do.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I don't know.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I don't know. Who is Matthew Hopkins? Fill me in.
0:17:38 > 0:17:44- Matthew Hopkins is the Witch-Finder General.- Ahh.
0:17:44 > 0:17:50- Why've you been in the news? - I have been in the news as I am trying to cleanse this city of evil,
0:17:50 > 0:17:56- to rid them of witches at the London dungeon before Hallowe'en. - I look forward to that.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Good luck with your witch hunting. Ladies and gentlemen, my mystery guest.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03MUSIC: Theme from "The Addams Family"
0:18:08 > 0:18:12So, fox hunting is back in the news.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Tally ho! We're off again as the Tories set out
0:18:15 > 0:18:18how they would legislate to sweep away the hunting ban.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20What do the foxes think about this?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22This means war.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24How unlucky are foxes?
0:18:24 > 0:18:28All they want to do is eat chickens, yet people want them dead.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32We're not like that with any other animals. Ducks?
0:18:34 > 0:18:38These monsters procreate through gang rape.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43I'll do that again, cos I stumbled over it. Do you know this, ducks mate by gang rape. Here we go.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48This... You're not going to laugh. You're freaked out. You haven't seen it. It is horrific.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50No wonder Orville wore a nappy. Jesus.
0:18:53 > 0:18:59These monsters, they procreate through gang rape and what do we do?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01We feed them bread!
0:19:01 > 0:19:08It's ridiculous. "You must be famished after all that sexual assault. Here, have some Hovis.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11"Build up your strength before your next rape, you feathery predator."
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Mice?
0:19:15 > 0:19:20All mice do is go, "Hello, I'm a tiny mouse, all I want do is run along your skirting board.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24"Maybe I will leave a tiny, tiny piece of poo."
0:19:24 > 0:19:28What do we do? A trap that takes the head off.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29And yet, the dog...
0:19:29 > 0:19:32MUSIC: Theme from "Roobarb"
0:19:32 > 0:19:34He's our best friend. Why?!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37You know what they're like. "I'm a dog, I'm your best friend.
0:19:37 > 0:19:43"I'll have a walk at five, take my dinner at six, I'm off into your garden for a colossal shit."
0:19:45 > 0:19:49"When are your mates coming round? I haven't sniffed bollock for a week.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53"Could be worse, at least I ain't a fox."
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Have you seen this?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Now, obviously we should be concerned.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10The trouble is the British mentality is to find humour whenever we can.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11SIRENS WAIL
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Oh, well done!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18CHEERING
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I am so glad I got that on camera.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31We can't help it. We love to take the piss.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Have you seen the latest climate change video? It's ridiculous.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Some places could even disappear under the sea
0:20:38 > 0:20:41and the children would have to live with the consequences.
0:20:41 > 0:20:46That's right, kids. Turn off your lights or you'll kill your puppy.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50If you keep playing your Xbox, this is what you'll do to your rabbit.
0:20:50 > 0:20:56There were awful heat waves in some parts and, in others, terrible storms and floods.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59That's right - you've made your rabbit cry.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Now his tears are adding to the flood.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Why don't you just put a toaster in your nan's bath?
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Is there a happy ending?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Probably not.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15We don't need a cartoon. We need to be properly scared.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Turn your fucking lights off!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Will there be a happy ending?
0:21:24 > 0:21:25No.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Whoo!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Vicious man-eating tomatoes grow to monstrous proportions.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42GM foods are back in the news.
0:21:48 > 0:21:54It's an emotive topic. Some people get so angry, they actually lose the power of speech.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58The potential for contamination, the commercial impl...impl...
0:21:58 > 0:22:01implications for Australian industries,
0:22:01 > 0:22:08and the benefits and risks assodi...associated with genetically modified orgasms. Orgasms.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10LAUGHTER
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Whoo!
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Exactly. You are right to "whoo." Genetically modified - can you imagine that?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19I am having one of them.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24Imagine being stuck in traffic and having one of these genetically modified or.. Ohh...
0:22:24 > 0:22:27"What's happening?" "I'm jizzing like a pig."
0:22:29 > 0:22:34Not everyone's angry about GM foods, this guy loves them, and he may also be the poshest man in history.
0:22:34 > 0:22:40The papaya crop in Hawaii was saved by genetically-modified papaya,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42which dealt with the pests they had to deal with.
0:22:42 > 0:22:49The only man to make the word papaya rhyme with Hawaii.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51And I say bloody right.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55We can have real fun with GM foods. I have some ideas.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00Sprouts that know their place. They sit on your plate, look at you and go, "I'll fuck off."
0:23:00 > 0:23:03LAUGHTER
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Onions that make you laugh.
0:23:05 > 0:23:12"Very good, I do do that, I'm often doing that, it's funny because it's true."
0:23:12 > 0:23:19We could have suicidally aggressive veg that hunt you down to make sure you've had your five a day.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Just a cucumber flying through the air.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24"I've got nothing to live for! Open your mouth!"
0:23:24 > 0:23:26"Thanks, cucumber."
0:23:34 > 0:23:39Have you seen the latest fashion for babies? T-shirts with provocative titles.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42They say things like, "My mum is single", "Got sex",
0:23:42 > 0:23:45But my favourite, if you can call it that, is this.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Porn star in training.
0:23:49 > 0:23:54Who looked at a baby and went, "It's cute, it could do with the word porn on it."?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56It makes you wonder, what did they reject?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07People are, of course, outraged by this.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11I find the whole thing really worrying and disturbing,
0:24:11 > 0:24:15because I just think we are robbing kids of their childhood.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Calm down, Melinda!
0:24:16 > 0:24:22Just because these T-shirts exist doesn't mean people are rushing to put "I love dogging" on their child.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25What is a nine-year-old saying in a pair of shoes like that?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28What is she saying? "Come and get me, guys"?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30No!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32No, Ian, she's not saying that.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35You don't have to do what your clothes tell you!
0:24:35 > 0:24:40I don't put on a pair of Hush Puppies and think, "I'm off to kill a dog."
0:24:45 > 0:24:48During a survey this week, a strangely high number of people
0:24:48 > 0:24:52admitted to being injured by a biscuit.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents say 400 people a year, in Britain,
0:24:57 > 0:25:01are treated in Accident & Emergency departments for biscuit-related injuries.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04How do you get hurt by a biscuit?
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Argh! Argh!
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Argh! Argh! Ahhh!
0:25:14 > 0:25:20Ah! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
0:25:23 > 0:25:28Argh! Argh! Ahh!
0:25:29 > 0:25:35We've learned this week that modern man is pathetic compared to our Neanderthal ancestors.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37They were faster, stronger and fitter.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39You get sick of these stories.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44Women - "I wish I had a proper rugged cave man." Really? Would that be better?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I've had such a hard day at work, darling. Can you put the kettle on?
0:25:50 > 0:25:51UGH! AHH!
0:25:59 > 0:26:04I don't want to just take the piss out of the news. I want to share something uplifting.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06This story made my heart melt.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08It's about a seven-year-old blind boy called Lucas
0:26:08 > 0:26:13who uses sonar to picture his surroundings by making clicking noises.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15He clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18and the sound that bounces back from the objects around him
0:26:18 > 0:26:21helps him to understand where they are and how big they are.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26We'll talk to Lucas and his mother later, first let's look at how it works.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28HE CLICKS
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- What do you think that might be? - A bollard.- Good boy.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34What do you think it's made of? Don't touch it. Use your click.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36HE CLICKS
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- Wood.- Good boy. Let's keep going.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44- 'That's pretty incredible.- It is. He's also a dab hand at basketball.
0:26:44 > 0:26:51'Here he is, using a clicking technique to judge the distance of the hoop and in it goes.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- 'He does it several times.' - HE CLICKS
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Yay! Whoo!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59How wonderful is that?
0:27:01 > 0:27:07Nobody can fail to be uplifted by that. Hope you've enjoyed the show. Take care.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09CHEERING
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:40 > 0:27:43E-mail: subtitling@bbc.co.uk