0:00:14 > 0:00:21This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Hello!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Hello! Welcome to Good News.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Each week, I'll be trawling the world for stories that make you laugh.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37It's been a strange week at the Beeb.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Susanna Reid has been stroking an invisible cat...
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Those are the main stories. Still to come - celebrating Woodstock...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Bill Turnbull has been beat-boxing...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47HE SNEEZES
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- I like to... - HE SNEEZES
0:00:49 > 0:00:54What's lovely about that, if you look closely, Kate Silverton was enjoying it so much,
0:00:54 > 0:00:55she was touching herself!
0:00:55 > 0:00:59LAUGHTER
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Over a working lunch, the staff have been stealing...
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Welcome to Working Lunch...
0:01:04 > 0:01:05LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Highlight of the week - did you see Michael Caine?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12He warned Al-Qaeda to stay away from Greggs.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Don't destroy the people who are making the bloody cake!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17LAUGHTER
0:01:17 > 0:01:20And stay out of bloody Nando's!
0:01:20 > 0:01:25Over in America, not everyone is concerned with the recession.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I'm homeless. I have no place to go...
0:01:27 > 0:01:30HE LAUGHS
0:01:30 > 0:01:32He's got nothing!
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Great news, Jonathan Charles is back.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Where has he been all this time?
0:01:38 > 0:01:44I'm Jonathan Charles, kept hidden for almost two decades and forced to bare children!
0:01:48 > 0:01:54The Kelly Report was out this week, in which he recommends what MPs will be allowed to claim for in future,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57because over the last few years, they've really taken the piss.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- Piano tuning.- Bath plugs. - Chandeliers.- Garden maintenance.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- Swimming pool boiler.- Rat-catcher.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- Housekeeper.- Dog food.- Horse manure.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06- KitKats.- Light bulbs.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- Moat repairs.- Sit-on lawnmower.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- A broken toilet.- And a helipad.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14We absolutely won't let them off the hook.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Even animal sob stories won't win over the public.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I paid back the money for the dog food -
0:02:19 > 0:02:21it was a genuine mistake - immediately.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23And I have apologised for it.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25So you didn't give them it?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Both of my dogs are dead.- Oh, really?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30AUDIENCE JEERS
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Oh, dear.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- Well, they happened to be... - You should have given more food to the dogs.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:44It is hard to have sympathy when they are saying things like this.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Don't compare yourself to the Holocaust, you dick!
0:02:47 > 0:02:52That's like stubbing your toe and going, "Agh! I feel just like Heather Mills!"
0:02:52 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Makes no sense, you know?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59And the thing is, it winds you up, doesn't it?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03My dad went mad! Seriously, he sent me an e-mail that said this.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06"Son, do you know what they should do with that bastard?"
0:03:06 > 0:03:07This is what my dad said!
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"They should dip his balls in gravy
0:03:10 > 0:03:12"and drag him through a wolf enclosure.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15"See what you can do about it!" Like...
0:03:15 > 0:03:19My dad has the insane belief that, just cos I'm on telly,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I can break into a man's house,
0:03:22 > 0:03:26somehow convince him to teabag a jar of Bisto
0:03:26 > 0:03:29and then lure him to a wolf enclosure!
0:03:29 > 0:03:32If I had those skills, I would not be doing this.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36I would be some kind of ball-based ninja!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38It is "dad logic". This is my favourite.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"Son, I have worked out how to stop suicide bombers."
0:03:41 > 0:03:42"Have you, Dad?"
0:03:42 > 0:03:44"Yeah!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47"We air-drop photos of Susan Boyle over Afghanistan
0:03:47 > 0:03:52"with a note that says, 'not all virgins are lookers.' "
0:03:52 > 0:03:53LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:55# ..You're driving me crazy
0:03:55 > 0:03:59# Goodness, gracious Great balls of fire! #
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Congratulations to Wayne Rooney on the birth of his first son, Kai.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07Did you know that Rooney slept in the fathers' room of the hospital overnight?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09If I was a night porter there,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12my phone would be full of photos of Rooney asleep
0:04:12 > 0:04:14and me above him going like that...
0:04:17 > 0:04:22Bookies have already offered odds of 1,000-1 for him to be the future Prime Minister.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Now, it is ridiculous, but I say all of us stick a grand on him,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28when he is 18, we vote for him.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30That's 1 million quid each, isn't it?
0:04:30 > 0:04:35It is not impossible. We've done it with these guys.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40Tennis superstar Andre Agassi has his autobiography out this week. Why is everybody talking about it?
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Eight-times Grand Slam winner, Andre Agassi has revealed
0:04:44 > 0:04:47he used crystal meth at one stage of his career.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Maybe it was this stage...
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Mm-mm-hm-mm-mm! But the beautiful thing is,
0:04:57 > 0:05:00it never affected his serve!
0:05:03 > 0:05:04LAUGHTER
0:05:04 > 0:05:09If drugs ARE rife in tennis, rule number one - put your dealer on the front row.
0:05:09 > 0:05:15COMMENTATOR: Well, I don't know where he's going. I have never seen anything like this.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19I am quite sure that this has never happened on Wimbledon Centre Court before.
0:05:20 > 0:05:25What he doesn't know is that his dealer has given the mushrooms to this guy...
0:05:25 > 0:05:29# Fun and laughter on a summer holiday... #
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Imagine playing tennis on drugs?!
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Touch me again and I will bite you...
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Did you read the description that Agassi gave of crystal meth?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Wow! What did you do? Shag strippers? Drive a Rolls into a pool?!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05He tidied up?!
0:06:05 > 0:06:11If crystal meth makes you tidy, God knows what these two are on!
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Honestly, they absolutely love it.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Hang on. I've got to have a sniff... AUDIENCE GROANS
0:06:18 > 0:06:23I know you're not supposed to laugh at drug stories, but sometimes you can't help it.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26When I was at uni, I was playing football and a ball rolled under the hedge.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30There was a man in the hedge - naked. This is true.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35He looked at me, whilst naked, and went, "Never sniff glue."
0:06:35 > 0:06:37LAUGHTER
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Do you know what? I haven't!
0:06:41 > 0:06:45It isn't just tennis players falling off the wagon. Look at this guy.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Did you see this story?
0:06:54 > 0:06:58A hedgehog had been treated in an animal hospital
0:06:58 > 0:07:01after getting drunk on fermenting apples. That is a fantastic story.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03AUDIENCE: Aw...
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Don't aw! I'd love to see a pissed hedgehog. Imagine that!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Him waking up the next morning, he goes, "Ahhh...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13"Agh...agh!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"Ah...
0:07:15 > 0:07:17"Oh, no...
0:07:18 > 0:07:21"I've shagged a hairbrush...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26SNIGGERS
0:07:26 > 0:07:28"..again..."
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Wouldn't that be great? His mates go, "Oh, Tony you should've seen it last night.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34"We were putting cheese and pineapple on your face."
0:07:34 > 0:07:36GROANS
0:07:36 > 0:07:38"Stop it, my head hurts!"
0:07:38 > 0:07:39"They covered you in bubble wrap!"
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Wouldn't that be amazing? "Argh! Argh! Stop it! Argh!"
0:07:44 > 0:07:46We shouldn't get bothered about this!
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Apparently he was taken to some hedgehog version of The Priory. Why?!
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I could understand it if it was a slug
0:07:52 > 0:07:54doing a tequila slammer.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55That's fine.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58"Salt, lime... Aaargh! Urgh!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00"I'm melting!
0:08:00 > 0:08:04"I should have had a Guinness!"
0:08:10 > 0:08:14The next time you see a happy slap, this may be the reason why.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Yes, it's true, researchers have discovered
0:08:17 > 0:08:20that kids who eat too much candy are more likely to be arrested
0:08:20 > 0:08:22for violent behaviour, later as adults.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26What next? Health warnings on chocolate?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"A Mars a day helps you work, rest and slay."
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Moms and dads who bribe their brats into good behaviour with candy
0:08:33 > 0:08:36could be doing harm and should probably be shot with a crossbow.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40That seems a bit harsh!
0:08:40 > 0:08:44There's some chocolate... Good boy!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- TWANG! - Urgh!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Can it get worse for kids? Yes, it can.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Because the Government are trying to get them to work.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57Children as young as seven are set to receive careers advice
0:08:57 > 0:09:00from primary schools, as part of a Government strategy
0:09:00 > 0:09:03to raise aspirations and break down barriers to social mobility.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I'd love to see that, wouldn't you?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"So what do you want to be?" "Dragon!"
0:09:10 > 0:09:13How could you possibly know what career you want when you're seven?!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"D'you wanna be an engineer?"
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"Mate, I can't even think about a career. There's a monster in my cupboard."
0:09:20 > 0:09:24It wasn't just the cupboard with me. I genuinely remember one night when I was seven,
0:09:24 > 0:09:29I was in bed, I suddenly heard in the darkness, "Greetings, Russell!"
0:09:29 > 0:09:33You can't think about a job when you're dealing with a bed goblin!
0:09:34 > 0:09:38It was only a week later I realised my dad had hidden a walkie-talkie
0:09:38 > 0:09:41underneath my bed!
0:09:46 > 0:09:50D'you know what I should've done? Picked it up, gone down and confronted him.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I didn't do that. I picked it up, went into my brother's room,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55popped it under his bed.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58FIENDISH CACKLE
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Kids in the workplace obviously wouldn't work.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- How much would the whole jar be? - £20,000.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Seven-year-olds just wanna get their funk on!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11RAP MUSIC PLAYS
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Arnold Schwarzenegger has made the news this week over an email.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- You're gonna love this story!- Mh-hmm!
0:10:46 > 0:10:49With California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
0:10:49 > 0:10:52sending a blunt message in a letter explaining a veto.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54What's all the fuss about?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56The first letter of each line of the text
0:10:56 > 0:11:01clearly spells, "F-blank-blank-K you."
0:11:01 > 0:11:02And what does Arnie make of this?
0:11:02 > 0:11:06CHUCKLES
0:11:06 > 0:11:11This isn't the first time he's left a hidden message, I've been through his bins.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13This is from a climate change bill:
0:11:17 > 0:11:20This is from a letter about health reform:
0:11:24 > 0:11:26And this is him just bragging:
0:11:32 > 0:11:35He's a straight talker. He does it in print AND in person.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37He slammed Obama.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I want to invite Senator Obama.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Because he needs to do something... CHEERING
0:11:43 > 0:11:47..he needs to do something about those skinny legs!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50And I'm gonna give him a biceps course
0:11:50 > 0:11:52to beef up those scrawny little arms.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55He mocked our dear Boris.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58By the time the next election comes, in...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Uh, by the time... Rather, not the next election,
0:12:00 > 0:12:04we never know when that will come! By the time the election for London Mayor comes...
0:12:08 > 0:12:14I tell you what, he has got NO time for cross-dressing accountants!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Don't be economic, girly-man!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27This is the unbelievable story that police in Sussex
0:12:27 > 0:12:30have been given a Gok Wan-style makeover!
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I tell you what, this is gonna change The Bill!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36MUSIC: Theme tune from "The Bill"
0:12:41 > 0:12:43You've gotta feel sorry for the force.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Imagine turning up to a crime scene like this:
0:12:46 > 0:12:48DISTANT SHOUTING
0:12:48 > 0:12:52- Get down on the ground! - On the floor! ON THE FLOOR!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55You look a-maz-ing!
0:12:55 > 0:12:56I know!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Right, that was me in hot pants!
0:13:01 > 0:13:06If I was a copper I wouldn't want new clothes, I'd want a taser!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Wouldn't that be brilliant? "Hey, old lady?" Rrrraaaaarrgh!
0:13:09 > 0:13:13I'm obsessed with tasers, but you could not trust me with one.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14I would be like these guys.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- TASER GUNS RATTLE - Urgh! Oh, fuck!
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Argh! Aaargh!
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I tell you what, I'd love to do that to my mates.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27You could make them sound like a wookie!
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Taser, taser, taser!
0:13:28 > 0:13:33- TASER GUN RATTLES - U-u-u-whoo-ooh-ooh-uuurgh!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Now, this next story really pisses me off.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Parents at a park in Watford which is run by the council
0:13:44 > 0:13:46have been banned from attending play sessions
0:13:46 > 0:13:49following the Government's introduction of criminal record checks.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54So what that means is, you can't go to a playground and watch your own child play
0:13:54 > 0:13:56in case you're a paedophile.
0:13:56 > 0:14:01I hate this pathetic assumption that we're all guilty of crimes we would never commit.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04We look at lots of things, we don't wanna have sex with them!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I go to the zoo a lot, I don't wanna rim a gibbon!
0:14:08 > 0:14:13I like the "compare the meerkat" advert, I don't get a boner when he says, "Simples!"
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Why should your family have to take a test just to be near you?!
0:14:18 > 0:14:21"Sorry, Granddad, I can't come for a walk, you can't be trusted.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23"And besides, I'm a right looker!"
0:14:25 > 0:14:27It's bullshit! Granddads are amazing!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29They shouldn't have to put up with this:
0:14:32 > 0:14:33What does that test consist of?!
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Are they gonna put them near a trampoline and see if they dribble?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41"He's sweating! Call the nonce police!"
0:14:41 > 0:14:44When will this rampant paranoia end?
0:14:44 > 0:14:48If you look closely, you'll notice it is a lovely baby boy.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Are you looking at my lad, naked?
0:14:50 > 0:14:54- I beg your pardon?- He's looking at his dick, Tone.- I wasn't!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- I'm a paediatrician.- I knew it!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:00It'd depressing. We're made to feel sinister
0:15:00 > 0:15:03just because kids provide us with happiness.
0:15:03 > 0:15:0628 million people have watched this clip, not because we fancy him
0:15:06 > 0:15:09but because, for some reason we can't explain,
0:15:09 > 0:15:10it makes us feel warm inside.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Blom!
0:15:11 > 0:15:14BABY LAUGHS
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Bloom!
0:15:22 > 0:15:24HE LAUGHS HARDER
0:15:26 > 0:15:29If you didn't laugh, you're a paedo.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30LAUGHTER
0:15:32 > 0:15:34# All about chemistry
0:15:34 > 0:15:37# Won't you show me everything you know? #
0:15:37 > 0:15:41'Science is on the verge of making mankind's dream
0:15:41 > 0:15:44'of having more time a reality.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47'Inventor, Ray Kurzweil, thinks that one day
0:15:47 > 0:15:49- 'humans may be able to live for ever.'- Yes!
0:15:49 > 0:15:52This is the story that, within 20 years,
0:15:52 > 0:15:53we might be able to live for ever.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Knowing my luck, I'll probably get hit by a bus in 19 years.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59It nearly happened the other day.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Close. Not the first time I've cheated death this week.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Hey, Death, what's that?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Apparently, the way we'll be able to live for ever
0:16:19 > 0:16:21is by getting bionic bodies.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25If you could have any modifications to your body, what would you go for?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- What was that? - Some wheels out of your feet.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Some wheels out your feet, that's it? There are heelys...
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- You would settle for heelys?- Yeah.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39How easily pleased are you? God bless you. Anyone else?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Any other body modifications? What?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44You'd like a jetpack? Where would you go with your jetpack?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Anywhere. - There you go, easily pleased!
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I have a jetpack - ha-ha! To Ipswich.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51THEY LAUGH
0:16:51 > 0:16:52I'm living the dream.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56That'd be great, having a jetpack and using it for menial tasks.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58"I think I will go down Tesco."
0:17:01 > 0:17:02You could go anywhere!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05You and me, we'll have a double jetpack, where would we go?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- Las Vegas.- And what's your name? - Elliot.- Elliot.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12- I'm going to have to call you E man, all right?- Yeah.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17- How old are you, first?- 17. - That's fine, it's legal. Sweet.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Do you want to come to Vegas with me?
0:17:20 > 0:17:21- No, I'm OK now.- Really?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Fuck you.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30The chance of a lifetime,
0:17:30 > 0:17:35- we could go to Vegas on jetpacks! - "No, it's a school night, I can't."
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I would love to live for ever, why would you not?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- Boring.- It'd be boring? You could do anything, madam.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Yeah, imagine that.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Yeah, you'd do everything and then you'd do it again.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Do everything and that's it.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53You'd get to do wild stuff, there's stuff you'll never do in life.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- Like this, come up here and dance with me.- OK.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:17:57 > 0:18:00We could do this 1,000 times.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04- We've done that.- OK.- We could do this, that's never happened.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12See? Wonderful fun! That was lovely.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- Nice to meet you, can I hug you?- Yeah.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19See? You can't do that... Again!
0:18:19 > 0:18:20LAUGHTER
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Live for ever, there's all sorts we can do.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Whatever science promises us,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28some people still do it the old-fashioned way.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Real quickly, you're 91 years old, you look fantastic,
0:18:31 > 0:18:37you look like you are in your late 60s, early 70s, what is the secret?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I don't dare tell you.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41You don't eat meat.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44(I piss the bed a lot.)
0:18:44 > 0:18:45OK...
0:18:45 > 0:18:47LAUGHTER
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Thank you, Ernie.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54# I'm not sick but I'm not well. #
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Now, with a quarter of the population obese,
0:18:57 > 0:19:00the Government has joined forces with Nintendo.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Can a computer game make your healthier?
0:19:02 > 0:19:06The NHS has given its approval to the Nintendo Wii Fit Plus,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09saying it is a great way to get children moving.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11LAUGHTER
0:19:11 > 0:19:14That's gonna make trips to the doctor's different, isn't it?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17"Do I need surgery?" "No, you need Mario Kart."
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Apparently this guy was livid.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21LAUGHTER
0:19:21 > 0:19:23They say the Wii can do wonders for your physique.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Woo! Woo!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Oh, shit, he's at me, folks.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Boom, right in the kisser, I got him.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I think I speak for the entire nation
0:19:33 > 0:19:35when I say what a fat (BLEEP)!
0:19:35 > 0:19:37LAUGHTER
0:19:41 > 0:19:45He doesn't need a Wii, he needs a bra.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Here's me attacking computer games,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I sound like Glenn Beck from Fox News.
0:19:49 > 0:19:55In Grand Theft Auto, your son or your husband or your boyfriend, whoever,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58can hire a prostitute, have sex with her
0:19:58 > 0:20:01and then beat her to death with a baseball bat.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04It doesn't mean it happens in real life.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I've played Tiger Woods Golf,
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I've never blacked up and won the US Open.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER
0:20:14 > 0:20:16It is ridiculous, isn't it?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21"Where is your brother, Russ?"
0:20:21 > 0:20:24"He went looking for some rings, Mum, dressed as a blue hedgehog."
0:20:24 > 0:20:27When a police officer comes after him,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30he can either light that police officer on fire
0:20:30 > 0:20:32or cut him in half with a chainsaw.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Makes you want to do it, it's weird.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37What he doesn't know, there's a bit of the game
0:20:37 > 0:20:40where you can knock someone out with a dildo,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I've never done it, but that's a Crimewatch
0:20:42 > 0:20:44we'd all stay up to watch, isn't it?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Just some bloke making his way in, KACHUNK!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Computer games can't replace real sports.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53With a football, you can play anywhere, even near a police van.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Goal!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:13 > 0:21:16This week, a man in India is suing Lynx,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19because he hasn't had a date in seven years.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Who are these muppets that think adverts are real?
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Are they sat there going,
0:21:24 > 0:21:28"Dear Red Bull, your product does not give you wings.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31"I jumped off my house, so now I poo through a tube."
0:21:31 > 0:21:35And do people honestly go, "I won't buy Lurpak,
0:21:35 > 0:21:38"I don't want this butter man playing the trombone in my fridge.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42"What if I open the door and he's balls deep in my cheddar?"
0:21:42 > 0:21:44LAUGHTER
0:21:44 > 0:21:46I tell you who isn't struggling with the ladies, this guy!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49# Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic
0:21:49 > 0:21:53# Touch me on me butt she says I'm Mr Ro... "
0:21:53 > 0:21:59This is a 112-year-old Somali man and his 17-year-old bride.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Liar!
0:22:00 > 0:22:02How funny would that wedding be?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06"I'd like to raise a toast to many happy years...
0:22:06 > 0:22:08"Just enjoy yourselves today."
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Imagine the wedding night?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I don't wanna get bad taste but how brilliant would that be?
0:22:13 > 0:22:18Him taking her up the stairs on a Stannah Stairlift.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19The sex would be amazing,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22if he did manage to blow his spuds, it would just be....
0:22:22 > 0:22:24puh...
0:22:25 > 0:22:28It'd be like she'd headbutted muesli.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER
0:22:30 > 0:22:32The Lynx guy must be furious.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Not a squeak for seven years
0:22:33 > 0:22:37and this old goat has got more wives than he has teeth.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39If anyone's gonna sue Lynx it should be me,
0:22:39 > 0:22:43have you seen the chocolate guy? They've ripped it off me.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:57 > 0:22:59It's Bonfire Night!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02CHEERING
0:23:03 > 0:23:06I don't know if you heard that, people at home.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07There were people over there going, "Oooh!"
0:23:07 > 0:23:09LAUGHTER
0:23:09 > 0:23:12They're great, fireworks, they make you go, "Whooo!"
0:23:12 > 0:23:16But sometimes, they make you go, "Argh!"
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Whatever you do, don't try this at home.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I'm ready, I'm filming.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Oh, shit.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Aargh!
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Ow! Ow! Ha ha! Ow!
0:23:41 > 0:23:45"Dear Diary, never, ever put a firecracker in your ring."
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I tell you what, he wouldn't have done that
0:23:47 > 0:23:50if he'd seen this terrifying advert from my childhood.
0:23:50 > 0:23:55Even a sparkler can be dangerous if you don't take care.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58A sparkler stays hot even when it's out.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- Make sure your child... - Arrrgh!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03..doesn't start November 6th like this.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06LAUGHTER
0:24:08 > 0:24:11That's not even special effects, they actually burnt her.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Fingers look like Nik Naks.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Good laugh, hehehehe!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20It's a cool time of year, Bonfire Night, Hallowe'en.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23What I love about Hallowe'en, everyone's dressed up like the Devil.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Tell you who I feel sorry for...goths.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28They must hate it, "Everyone's dressed like me."
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Everyone loves Hallowe'en, including Barack Obama
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- or, as he's better known on this show... - Mr Long-Legged Mad Daddy.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40The President threw a monster bash.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43The White House turning a shade of orange,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46and an odd cast of characters on the north lawn.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50The chance for children to get their hands on some presidential candy.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52More than 2,000 have been invited over.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57I watched it, right. This little girl on the end of this next tape reminded me of myself.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I'm a devil.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Devil?- Yeah.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- I'm a princess.- Graveyard fairy.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Did you hear that? Graveyard fairy.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06I was exactly like that.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10As I was a kid, leave it to the last minute, then make something up.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13"What are you, Russ?" "Graveyard fairy."
0:25:13 > 0:25:16One year, I went in a brown sleeping bag
0:25:16 > 0:25:19and genuinely pretended I was Satan's turd pixie.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20LAUGHTER
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Not everyone's a fan of Hallowe'en. These guys really don't like a scare.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Gotta love it...- Love it. - Arrrgh!
0:25:30 > 0:25:31- The world!- Who is that?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- How you going, Chucky Train? - Aargh!
0:25:43 > 0:25:44APPLAUSE
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Terrifying news this week.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Do you know someone in Britain is attacked every 30 seconds?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59The good news is that that figure will probably go down
0:25:59 > 0:26:01now that Marlon King is in prison.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04People are saying, "Oh, Russell, be careful, he's violent."
0:26:04 > 0:26:07It doesn't matter, he won't hit me, I'm not a woman.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- CHUCKLING AND GROANING - Oh, he's a dick.
0:26:09 > 0:26:14Depressingly, Marlon will probably play football again,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17but you know the crowds will absolutely hammer him.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Take it! Take it, football fans.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37And share it around!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Now, for the final part of the show,
0:26:39 > 0:26:43I've got a story that is heart-breakingly beautiful.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47This little girl in this film proves that love is eternal.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53During her nine-month battle with cancer, she was planning an even greater gift for her family.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57She was thoughtfully hiding notes around the house, hundreds,
0:26:57 > 0:27:01tucked in every corner to be discovered after she was gone.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04We were moving some books around one day
0:27:04 > 0:27:07and in between some of the books,
0:27:07 > 0:27:09a note fell out.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13I found some in my jeans, in my drawer, my clothes drawer.
0:27:13 > 0:27:18Any scrap of paper she could find, even doodling on her mother's cancelled cheques.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Each time I would read one of those notes, it was...
0:27:23 > 0:27:25..like a little hug from her.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Isn't that lovely, man?
0:27:26 > 0:27:30It makes you wanna just hug everyone you love.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Hope you enjoyed the show. Goodnight.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36APPLAUSE
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:47 > 0:27:50E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk