0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Hello! Hello!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Every week I'll be searching up hill and down dale
0:00:34 > 0:00:36for stories that make you laugh.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38So what have we learned this week?
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Never let a blind man choose where he gets interviewed.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44How important is traffic noise?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46LAUGHTER
0:00:46 > 0:00:49- Well, it's absolutely... - CAR HORN TOOTS
0:00:49 > 0:00:51LAUGHTER
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Tell you what, the remake of Jurassic Park looks rubbish.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57MUSIC: "Jurassic Park" Theme Tune
0:01:00 > 0:01:05Over at CBS, the graphics guy had an absolute nightmare.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08'16-year-old Molly Bush disappeared while on her life guard job
0:01:08 > 0:01:11'in a pond in Warren, back in June of 2000.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15'The possible suspect Rodney Stanger, seen here...
0:01:15 > 0:01:17'Well, this is not Rodney Stanger, obviously.'
0:01:17 > 0:01:20That's not the real Rodney Stanger. THIS is.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:26There's been a lot of erotic texting at BBC News.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Shall I tell you what young Sian texted me Saturday night?
0:01:31 > 0:01:36- Go on.- I said "You nailed it. Now close your mouth."
0:01:36 > 0:01:37LAUGHTER
0:01:37 > 0:01:40My highlight of the week - Colonel Gadaffi's interview.
0:01:40 > 0:01:45Leader Gadaffi. Thank you very much indeed for agreeing to talk with Sky News today.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49The first question to you is with regard to Iran.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Leader Gadaffi, thank you very much.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59APPLAUSE
0:02:02 > 0:02:06The world is full of crime-fighting heroes.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Gotham had Batman, New York had Spiderman,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10and London has got Boris!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12# I need a hero
0:02:12 > 0:02:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE # I'm holding out for a hero
0:02:14 > 0:02:16# till the end of the night
0:02:16 > 0:02:19# He's got to be strong and he's got to be fast
0:02:19 > 0:02:22# And he's got to be fresh from the fight
0:02:22 > 0:02:25# I need a hero... #
0:02:25 > 0:02:27What a fantastic story.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31'On Monday night, Franny Armstrong was walking home in Camden.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34'A gang of youths surrounded her and threatened her.'
0:02:34 > 0:02:36They came with a big iron bar.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39So I was like, "OK. Not funny," for about two seconds.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43And then a cyclist came by and I was like, "Excuse me. Could you help me?"
0:02:43 > 0:02:46And he stopped. And I was like, "It's Boris!"
0:02:46 > 0:02:48LAUGHTER
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- MIMIC BORIS JOHNSON:- Hello!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53He chased the thugs away and then he shouted this at them...
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Genuine.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58He shouted, "Oiks!"
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Classic Johnson.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Imagine fighting Boris. It would be like getting twatted by a thesaurus!
0:03:03 > 0:03:07"Yay! You'll run, rapscallions. You ne'er-do-wells.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09"You blaggards!"
0:03:09 > 0:03:12"He started hitting me, man and then told me I was a flibbertigibbet."
0:03:12 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:16So he rescued her. Was she grateful?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20We got into a conversation about our climate change campaign 1010.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24So I asked him whether he was going to cut his emissions by 10% next year and he said yes.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Cheeky bitch!
0:03:26 > 0:03:27LAUGHTER
0:03:27 > 0:03:31He's just saved you from a kicking and now you're giving him a lecture!
0:03:31 > 0:03:35And then you go and make the whole thing weirdly sexual.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38If you're stuck in a dark alley...
0:03:38 > 0:03:39it's Boris you'd want.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- LAUGHTER - What?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44APPLAUSE
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Make your mind up!
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Do you want him to offset his carbon,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52or do you want to touch his Johnson?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- LAUGHTER - Ole!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Saving a damson in distress can only happen to Boris.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02He could slap a woman on the arse and she'd go, "Thanks. I was choking."
0:04:02 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:08This kind of thing would never happen to Gordon Brown. He has no luck.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13We'd brrr in his face. "Brrrr." Poor guy.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15He could save a child from a burning orphanage
0:04:15 > 0:04:18and you'd know the next day the papers would go...
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Boris is the nation's favourite uncle. It doesn't matter what you think of him politically
0:04:26 > 0:04:30you'd love to go for a drink with him. You'd end up naked in a canoe full of strawberries
0:04:30 > 0:04:34with Boris going, "Come on! Let's go to Buckingham Palace
0:04:34 > 0:04:39"and fire a corgi out of a canon. Ooo-ooh!"
0:04:39 > 0:04:41And you would.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43LAUGHTER
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Hey! I wonder how Colonel Gadaffi's interview's coming along.
0:04:46 > 0:04:51If Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is determined to have the leader's shirt
0:04:51 > 0:04:55with Africa emblazoned on it, what would your advice to him then be?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Thank you very much.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11This week marks the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Did you see what they did to celebrate?
0:05:13 > 0:05:18'These dominoes are now making their way towards the Brandenburg Gate,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20'it's a mile long.
0:05:20 > 0:05:26'And, er, simulating, of course, the fall of communism across Eastern Europe.'
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Hilarious. Dominoes to celebrate the wall coming down.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31What if we solve famine?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Hungry Hippos! - LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:36We've cured Alzheimer.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Let's play Guess Who?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Hey, everybody. I've got rid of AIDS.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Gang bang!
0:05:45 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:48That would be good, wouldn't it?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51It must have been amazing when the wall fell.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Germany reunited after 28 years.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I didn't watch it. I was nine. This was on.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59# Thunder, thunder, thunder Thunder Cats! #
0:05:59 > 0:06:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:06:02 > 0:06:05At least I was honest about where I was.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09'Today President Sarkozy posted a picture of his younger self
0:06:09 > 0:06:10'on Facebook,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13'hammering away at the wall, this night, 20 years ago.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18'Though French journalists are questioning whether he was really there when he said he was.'
0:06:18 > 0:06:20He wasn't actually there?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Such a pointless lie.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25"Were you there?" "Oui."
0:06:25 > 0:06:26"Were you actually there?"
0:06:26 > 0:06:27"No..."
0:06:27 > 0:06:29LAUGHTER
0:06:29 > 0:06:32But there you go. We've all claimed to be places we weren't.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:36 > 0:06:40We love it when Sarkozy cocks up, because we're jealous of him. Have you seen his wife?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Baby, come back.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I don't know about you, but whenever I see those two,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I can't help but think of these two...
0:06:47 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:50 > 0:06:52It took 30 years to bring down the Berlin Wall.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54They should have asked this guy.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01# Trouble
0:07:04 > 0:07:07# Oh, trouble, trouble, trouble... #
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Poor bloke.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13"Good day at work?"
0:07:13 > 0:07:15HE SOBS
0:07:15 > 0:07:18That wouldn't have happened if he'd watched this safety video
0:07:18 > 0:07:20about Klaus the warehouse worker.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Now this is might be one of the most gruesome things I've ever seen.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I can't believe they actually use it.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Rule number one, Klaus - never start an engine when your mate's got his hands in it.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:54AUDIENCE SHRIEKS
0:07:54 > 0:07:56APPLAUSE
0:07:58 > 0:07:59It gets...
0:07:59 > 0:08:01so much worse.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Klaus, be aware of others when transporting razor sharp metal.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12AUDIENCE GROANS
0:08:12 > 0:08:14HE SCREAMS
0:08:16 > 0:08:19AUDIENCE: Ahh!
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Aw, Klaus.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23What a day you're having.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Could it get any worse?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32WOLF WHISTLES, SPLAT
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Wow!
0:08:34 > 0:08:36KLAUS SCREAMS
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Bye, Klaus!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56APPLAUSE
0:08:56 > 0:08:59So, Britain has a new heavyweight champion.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:09:00 > 0:09:05'..David Haye beats Nikolai Valuev to win the World Heavyweight title.'
0:09:05 > 0:09:07'Oh, he's going to keep going. With a left hook.
0:09:07 > 0:09:13'David Haye is the WBA, Heavyweight Champion of the world.'
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Did you watch the fight? How scary was Valuev?
0:09:15 > 0:09:19It was like the Incredible Hulk had fucked a cement truck.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:26I was watching it. There was a point, I swear he looked directly at me just from the telly.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29He just turned and went..."Ahhh."
0:09:29 > 0:09:32And I'm not kidding, my penis actually yelped.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I enjoyed the fight so much I went on eBay and bought his dressing gown.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- Look at that! - LAUGHTER
0:09:39 > 0:09:42It cost me 200 quid. I would have got it cheaper
0:09:42 > 0:09:44but I got into a bidding war with this weasel.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:50It was David Hayes' toughest fight yet. Mind you, his last opponent Monty Barrett
0:09:50 > 0:09:52struggled to get into the ring.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Congratulations, Dave!
0:10:01 > 0:10:05But let's be honest - the best thing about any boxing match is Don King.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I love him, but I haven't got a clue what he's on about.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Testicles is above the belt, not below.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13If you don't have faith when you cast your bread upon the water,
0:10:13 > 0:10:15you get back soggy bread.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17It's gonna be grrreat.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Ever since we saw Jaws, we ain't likin' those sharks.
0:10:20 > 0:10:222K, 2K, rah, rah, rah.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25We understand that when the shark come to eat the babies,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27the shark gonna eat the babies.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29He is right...but he can fight.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32We'll fight him on the trenches, we'll fight him on the beaches
0:10:32 > 0:10:34but we shall never, never surrender.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Long live the Queen.
0:10:35 > 0:10:41# Music makes the people Come together... #
0:10:41 > 0:10:43CHEERING
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Hear that lovely reaction?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Jedward are still in the news.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51"Jedward"! I wish they were called Peter and Rick, that'd be great.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53LAUGHTER
0:10:53 > 0:10:55I love the fact...
0:10:58 > 0:11:02I love the fact there's probably people going, "Reter?"
0:11:07 > 0:11:10"Ooooh!
0:11:10 > 0:11:13"Very droll!"
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I'm with David Haye on this one.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Flip a coin, I don't care. They'll both get knocked out.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Amen. People DO love them...
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Jedward? You wanna know whether I would?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Of course! Just so I could say I've done it.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31What sort of brag is that?!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34It's like him going, "You know that Howard from the Halifax adverts?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36"I've touched his balls!"
0:11:36 > 0:11:39It's not just Matthew Wright - teenagers love them.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41'As for the stars themselves,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43'they don't seem to mind all the attention.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47'Jedward have been encouraging fans, acting up in front of the windows.'
0:11:47 > 0:11:49We used to call it wanking.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51LAUGHTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:53They've even made it onto the red carpet.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56What's the song on Saturday? Can you tell us?
0:11:56 > 0:11:57- Erm...- No.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- Well, it's a movie song... - If we said it,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03you guys wouldn't look at the show and check us out.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07We don't tune in for the song, you identical dicks!
0:12:07 > 0:12:10It's like saying people watch Hollyoaks for the acting.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Do you know what Jedward are? They are the human equivalent
0:12:14 > 0:12:18of the Crazy Frog.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22This week marks the launch of a musical about the M1.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26# With or without you... #
0:12:26 > 0:12:29BBC Radio Northampton are auditioning for
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Watford Gap The Musical, hoping to tap in on stories and talent
0:12:33 > 0:12:34from the service station.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Stories from the service station?
0:12:37 > 0:12:38What are they gonna sing about?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40# I bought a pasty It cost me five quid
0:12:40 > 0:12:44# Look, there's a turd On the toilet lid... #
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Not really a lot going on, is there?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52M1 The Musical is so wonderfully lame.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55What next? Family Planning The Musical?
0:12:58 > 0:13:02MUSICAL-STYLE MUSIC
0:13:31 > 0:13:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Schools Minister Ed Balls has announced
0:13:43 > 0:13:45his new sex education policy.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50'It's now to be a legal requirement that schools teach sex education
0:13:50 > 0:13:53'in primary schools. Five-year-olds will start with learning about
0:13:53 > 0:13:55'parts of the body and relationships.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58'From age seven, pupils will learn about puberty,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01'and later they'll be taught the full facts of life.'
0:14:01 > 0:14:03The best thing about stories like this,
0:14:03 > 0:14:04there's always some moron blogging.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06What if...
0:14:08 > 0:14:11..the kids start falling about...
0:14:11 > 0:14:13when they start learning this?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Nothing will happen, Mr Toad.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20What if they get pregnant at six, seven, eight...?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28How about you only give sex advice if you've had sex?
0:14:28 > 0:14:33Every time he opens his pants, a moth flies out...
0:14:33 > 0:14:35"Freedom!"
0:14:35 > 0:14:37What's to get upset about?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Do people honestly believe that kids will skip home and go,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43"Mother, have some wine and run a bath.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46"Father, I'm going to show you how to ride that pony."
0:14:46 > 0:14:47AUDIENCE GROANS
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Five-year-olds?! It's impossible to teach a five-year-old about sex.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54It's hard enough to get TEENAGERS to take it seriously.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Agh!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06No wonder teenagers get pregnant.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08"Don't think it goes on there, Dave!
0:15:08 > 0:15:09"What do you know, Sharon?"
0:15:11 > 0:15:17We wouldn't take the piss if the sex education videos weren't so ridiculous.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22'You may have heard stories about how masturbation is harmful.
0:15:23 > 0:15:29'But we know today that it cannot physically hurt you, no matter how often you do it.'
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I remember watching this video at school - it was hilarious.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37A young boy just asks random people about sex.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Um... I want to know about the male penis.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Excuse me?
0:15:45 > 0:15:49I'd like to know about the male penis, please.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51THEY GASP
0:15:51 > 0:15:57"She was no help - I'm off to ask a cleaner at the zoo."
0:15:57 > 0:15:59What can I do for you, there, son?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Well, son, I admire your candour.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11You've come to the right man for the answer.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15In this job, I see a lot of penises.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Animals' penises, that is.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28ANIMAL penises?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Poor kid. He even hijacked his eye test.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34All right, now,
0:16:34 > 0:16:36cover one eye and read these letters.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40You see...what I really wanna talk about is...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42wet dreams.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Come on, Tommy she's an optician.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49It's not like she's gonna have a huge diagram of a wang knocking about(!)
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Let's see why it happens.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Imagine getting your eyes tested there -
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"C...B...L... COCK!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04"COCK! Massive cock!"
0:17:04 > 0:17:10# That was just a dream Just a dream, dream... #
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Here's a quote you don't expect to hear every day from a bishop.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21That's right. Apparently, if Jesus were around today,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24he'd shop in Aldi. I would love to see that.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28"1p for beans - oh, my dad!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33"And how cheap is the myrrh?!"
0:17:33 > 0:17:36You'd see him there swaggering around buying a load of Volvic -
0:17:36 > 0:17:38that's gonna be a dull party, Jesus!
0:17:38 > 0:17:41"Oh, really?" - Whoosh! - "Merlot!"
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Basically, they're trying to make him popular by saying he would enjoy budget shopping.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52You wanna make him more appealing, get him on Britain's Got Talent -
0:17:52 > 0:17:55he'd be brilliant! "Any Lepers in? Shazam!"
0:17:55 > 0:17:58"I can juggle again!"
0:17:58 > 0:18:01"'Course you can, baby - now juggle these!"
0:18:02 > 0:18:05And he's got a great sob story - "I was born in a barn.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08"I never knew my real dad."
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Jesus in a supermarket!
0:18:12 > 0:18:16What next, Buddha in High and Mighty? Ganesh in Claire's Accessories?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- "I'm gonna need a lot of gloves." - LAUGHTER
0:18:18 > 0:18:20It isn't just shopping...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Well done, a few people really got that.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27It isn't just shopping, Christianity is pulling out all the stops.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Did you see this?
0:18:32 > 0:18:36The bishop of St Albans is making a prayer podcast to help people cope
0:18:36 > 0:18:38with their daily commute.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40'What kind of prayers will they be?'
0:18:40 > 0:18:42"UMBRELLA" BY RIHANNA PLAYS
0:18:42 > 0:18:44'"Dear Lord, can I go ONE train journey
0:18:44 > 0:18:48'"without hearing some prick play their bullshit music?
0:18:48 > 0:18:53Give me the strength to endure Rihanna, because that is NOT how you spell 'umbrella'!"'
0:18:53 > 0:18:59"Amen-en-en...oh, oh, oh..."
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Surely, the one prayer we really want is this -
0:19:02 > 0:19:08"Dear Lord, please, I'm on the train in the toilet and I'm not sure I've pressed the lock."
0:19:08 > 0:19:10That is a horrible moment, isn't it?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13You think you've locked it, but you're not quite sure.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15You can't get up to press the lock -
0:19:15 > 0:19:19you don't want to get caught like that...in the middle,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21like some sort of filthy Bee Gee.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I've never been caught in that situation.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30The only thing you can do to get out of it - go confident.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Literally, balls out confidence.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Door opens, "Greetings."
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Pretend you've got a cat, really go for it.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42"I've been expecting you.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47"Unlock the door."
0:19:47 > 0:19:50On public transport we don't need God, we need each other.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Instead of prayers, we should talk to each other.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55I saw this when I was on the Tube.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59There was a pregnant lady and her fella was rubbing her stomach.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02He was going, "Daddy is rubbing Mummy's belly.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05"I said Daddy is rubbing..."
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I was sat there going, "That is so lovely!
0:20:07 > 0:20:10"It represents everything I want in the world.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11"Can I join in?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15"Stranger is rubbing..."
0:20:22 > 0:20:25These sixth formers are taking their Danish language exam
0:20:25 > 0:20:27and, for the first time,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30they can use the internet to answer questions.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Lucky sods, all I had was a calculator.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36My mates were arseholes in exams.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39If we had the internet they'd be sending me e-mails every five minutes.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Russ, have you seen this?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I'm trying to concentrate.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Your mum's e-mailed me!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Pack it in! That is not my mother!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Russ, I've found your house on ebay.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59That's not funny, that's actually my house.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03If anyone could do with help it's the kids from this recent survey in England.
0:21:09 > 0:21:14These idiots also thought that "D-Day" was just a bad spelling of "Day".
0:21:14 > 0:21:18And that No Man's Land was a lesbian club.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I hate stories like this, they only asked a few kids
0:21:23 > 0:21:25and everyone gets tarred with the same brush.
0:21:25 > 0:21:30It's like judging every adult by the people who appear on programmes like, It's Me Or The Dog.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32They're not the same as us.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35"My dog bites me every day, I've tried blowing on him
0:21:35 > 0:21:40"and rubbing him with a brick, but it does nothing."
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Then the person, "Have you tried giving him a walk?"
0:21:42 > 0:21:44"It's like you've changed my life!"
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Advertising is a competitive industry.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Agencies are always looking for ways to get their message across.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58In New Zealand, Mitsubishi tried to attract customers with this:
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"That's right, buy a truck, get a goat."
0:22:04 > 0:22:06A Norwegian print company went with this:
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Which is Norwegian for, "As cheap as your mum!"
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Boom!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16But my favourite has to be from the German ad agency
0:22:16 > 0:22:20who have attached slogans to the legs of flies.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30The maddest thing you've ever seen.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33People hate flies.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35When people see a fly they go...
0:22:35 > 0:22:38They don't go, "Oh! L'Oreal!
0:22:39 > 0:22:40"I am worth it."
0:22:40 > 0:22:45We don't like them on our body and if they go in your mouth you go crazy.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49What really happened on that Thursday at Augusta High School
0:22:49 > 0:22:51that led to Chris Woods' death?
0:22:51 > 0:22:52INDISTINCT
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Shit!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59I'm tired of this fucking country ass! Fuck that town!
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Shit flying in my mouth!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I can't see...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Get the fuck out of this fucked up town.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13What will this ad agency do next?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Have mice advertising Rentokil.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Dolphins advertising tuna.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Vaginal reconstruction on a camel's toe.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Did you see this?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32This is pathetic, isn't it?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38How pathetic is that?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41You're on some exotic beach surrounded by beauties
0:23:41 > 0:23:45and you've got your mum rubbing suntan lotion into your back.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49"Factor 30, sweet prince, we don't want you peeling!"
0:23:50 > 0:23:52I couldn't take my mum around the world.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54She can barely handle the train journey to London.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57She holds her ticket all the way from Bristol.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59"You can let go."
0:23:59 > 0:24:01"No way, no, no!"
0:24:01 > 0:24:03"You can let go." "No, I'll go to prison."
0:24:03 > 0:24:04"You will not go to prison."
0:24:04 > 0:24:07"A sweet piece of ass like me - some big lezza I'd be her bitch!"
0:24:09 > 0:24:11"I'm not putting it down, Russ!"
0:24:12 > 0:24:17Also this report says 12% would rather take their teddy than their mobile.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Why? Are they useful in a crisis?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Give me your money, you English pig.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- Stand back!- Or what?
0:24:26 > 0:24:27HE SCREAMS
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Gap years are so pretentious.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36Toffs swanning around Cambodia, "Look, they're so poor!
0:24:36 > 0:24:39"But they're so happy! I wish I had nothing.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42"Look he's eating with his hands!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45"Pass me the iPhone, I feel like blogging."
0:24:45 > 0:24:50Blimey the Gaddafi interview's still going...
0:24:50 > 0:24:54How did he feel when he heard that President Obama
0:24:54 > 0:24:56had won the autobiography of Margaret Thatcher?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Leader Gaddafi, thank you very much.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Did you watch the jewel in Channel Four's winter crown?
0:25:51 > 0:25:55If they hanged Glitter in real life, you know just before it happened
0:25:55 > 0:25:57the whole crowd would start going,
0:25:57 > 0:26:01# Come on, come on Come on, come on. #
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I loved how they justified it. "It's a comment on corporal punishment."
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Whatever, you called it The Execution Of Gary Glitter.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10"No, it's about hypocrisy!"
0:26:10 > 0:26:14You might as well have called it - Nonce In A Noose.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19They rang him about the film. That's got to be the worst call
0:26:19 > 0:26:22he's ever ever received, actually the second worst.
0:26:22 > 0:26:27"Hello, Mr Glitter, it's PC World here, about your hard drive..."
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Can TV be more shocking?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32What will Channel 4 show us next?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Come Dine With Me with Hannibal Lecter?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Supernanny with Karen Matthews.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Or Grand Designs with Josef Fritzl?
0:26:51 > 0:26:54It seems that every time we open the newspaper
0:26:54 > 0:26:57we are greeted by cripplingly sad stories about young men
0:26:57 > 0:26:59who've given their life in Afghanistan.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Some of them come back with horrific injuries. Do they mope?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Do they fuck? They climb mountains.
0:27:05 > 0:27:10As day broke on Mount Kilimanjaro, these former soldiers were on top of the word.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13They scaled the highest peak in Africa,
0:27:13 > 0:27:15climbing to raise money for Help The Heroes.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19I never thought I'd walk again, let alone do anything like this.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23This is such a personal challenge for me.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Very emotional, there were points where
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I didn't think I was going to make it.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Er... Yeah, nearly in tears.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34A massive achievement for all, especially Lance Corporal Craig Lundberg,
0:27:34 > 0:27:38left blinded by a grenade, but a soldier who's mastered the mountain.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40That is truly inspiring.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Hope you enjoyed the show! Goodnight!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:08 > 0:28:11E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk