0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:10This programme contains adult humour
0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Hello. Thank you very much. Hello, welcome to Good News.
0:00:31 > 0:00:36Every week I will go to infinity and beyond to find stories that make you laugh.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38So, what have we learnt this week?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Tony Blair's memoirs look a bit basic.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43This is my daddy.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45This is my mummy.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48This is Gordon Brown.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51If you are going to pick your nose on telly, keep it subtle.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55"I live in Sheffield and visited the city centre at the recent Fright Night event.
0:00:56 > 0:01:01There were many people sitting on the memorial, taking no regard...
0:01:01 > 0:01:06Shock of the week. Sian Williams revealed what Yoda shouted after she flashed him.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Very pretty they were.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13The weather was so bad this week we were advised to take drugs.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15You might need the glue this week.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20But don't take too much, you'll end up like Eamonn Holmes.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22- I sit like this all day. - And read my lines.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26I rock like a deranged polar bear.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Now, I love eccentrics.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37There have been lovely oddballs on telly this week.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41This next girl won a prize. See if you can tell when the penny dropped.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Today's kid reporter is...
0:01:45 > 0:01:50Diedre Shores. It's you.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51- It's you.- It's you.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54You won!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57You are today's kid show reporter winner.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- You are the winner. - Stop playing with me.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- You are the winner. - Stop playing with me.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- You are the winner.- Stop playing.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12SHE SCREAMS
0:02:19 > 0:02:21You just broke my ear drums.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Isn't it lovely? What a noise.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28You know, there are dogs over Britain going, "make her stop."
0:02:31 > 0:02:33The girl was good. This guy is better.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35He is not getting his five a day.
0:02:35 > 0:02:41For months this Peruvian man ate nails, coins and copper wire.
0:02:41 > 0:02:451.5lbs of it, now removed
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- from his stomach. - He looks like a pasty.
0:02:47 > 0:02:53The 26-year-old construction worker said he ate alone.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Of course he ate alone.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59He'd be rubbish on Come Dine With Me. This is just cutlery.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02What's for pudding? Railings.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05He must be the only guy ever to get a boner watching this.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I bet his mates were gutted they didn't know about his diet.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17The fun could you have had with a bit of imagination and a magnet.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Boys, do you want to see the fastest moonwalk ever?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Every time he has a dump it must be like tipping up a wishing well.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- People... - LAUGHTER
0:03:28 > 0:03:31People say he's a pervert and should go to prison.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36If he does, you pity the man who tries to bum him.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Ugh! AAAAGH!
0:03:40 > 0:03:43You'd look like you had been sucked off by Austin Powers.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51But, my favourite eccentric of the week was this old lady.
0:03:51 > 0:03:56She's the oldest paper girl in the land, and definitely the funnest.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Oh, God.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Get in there.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06She's fantastic. How have they rewarded this local celebrity?
0:04:06 > 0:04:11Beryl delivers all the papers, all the national ones, but also the local paper, The Citizen.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13And what do you know? She's on page three.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Here comes the best bit. This is how all interviews should be done.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21On a bike, not giving a shit.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- Does it pay well- No, not really.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- How much does it pay?- Not a lot.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31My holiday money comes out of my winnings.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- Your winnings?- Yeah.- The Lottery?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Did you win that £45 million?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38You wouldn't see me here if I was.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Do you think you'd get one?- No.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46We go around the corner.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Get in there.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52She's wonderful, isn't she? What do her friends think of her?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- Oh, don't mention it.- Hey!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58She's into everything.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10So, what are they doing in Japan to combat obesity?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Companies and local governments must measure the waistlines
0:05:13 > 0:05:17of all employees and family members over the age of 40.
0:05:17 > 0:05:23Men over 33.5 inches and women over 35 inches are considered overweight.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28Basically, it's going to be illegal to be fat in Japan.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31These guys are terrified.
0:05:33 > 0:05:39Illegal to be fat. That will be pretty easy for the police. "Nobody move." "We can't!"
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Put your hands above your head.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Ugh... Exercise.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Imagine that, "What are you in for?"
0:05:45 > 0:05:48"I killed a man. You?" "Cheesecake."
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Will fat people be driven underground? Welcome to Fat Club.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58The first rule of Fat Club - you do not talk about Fat Club.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01The second rule of Fat Club - num num num num num.
0:06:03 > 0:06:10Chubbies have been outlawed. When I say chubbies, I mean fat people, not semi-erect boners.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14How exactly are they tackling the problem over in Japan?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- One company gives every employee a pedometer. - You could never have that here.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22You tell a British bloke he needs a pedometer, he will punch you in the face.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25"I do not fancy kids!"
0:06:30 > 0:06:34If my boss gave me a pedometer I wouldn't wear it, I'd slam it on this guy.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36ROCKY THEME TUNE
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Hours of fun. Pedometers are just part of it. Look at this.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Another company has employees take pictures of each meal they eat.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56E-mailing them to experts who check the calorie charts and report back.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59What good or bad choices were made.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I'd love to see the photos we'd send in.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11That's what we'd do. I think this is all a bit unfair.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Most fat people are happy enough. Do these guys look bothered?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Here's a great story for the whole family to enjoy.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43It's brilliant, isn't it?
0:07:43 > 0:07:44You've got to admire the Spanish style.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Shall we sort out the economy? No, let's teach kids how to spank the monkey.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Teaching teenagers to masturbate is hardly tricky.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56It's like selling a Daily Express reader a plate with Diana on.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02It's hilarious. Even the campaign had a slogan.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I managed to get hold of some of the alternatives. Look at these.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Brilliant. You thought the slogan was bad, you didn't see the mascot.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31Imagine him turning up at your door. "How are you doing, kids?
0:08:31 > 0:08:36"I'm going to teach you a few things."
0:08:36 > 0:08:39"Mum, there's a man here." "Don't tell your mum."
0:08:41 > 0:08:47How much fun would it be to go into a house of mirrors, right, at the fair,
0:08:47 > 0:08:53wearing your normal get-up, then put on your cock suit. Walk outside.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56That thing has gone bad.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01That's the Government advice for Spain. What's the Government advice over here?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Pathetic. We seem to be obsessed with scaring children.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14In the street, you can get hit by a car.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17On Facebook the worse that can hit you is a sheep.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21The internet is amazing. I grew up in a village.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I would have loved it when I was young.
0:09:23 > 0:09:29If we had broadband I wouldn't have watched my mate Tom trying to hit a donkey with a golf ball.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33People go, what about the porn, Russell? Shut up.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35You get out what you put in.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39It's not like you type in, what is the capital of Antigua, and Google says, never mind that.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Do you want to see some clundge?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45The internet is wonderful.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Where else would you find a cat that looks like a fascist?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Kids have got advice coming out of their ears.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02This is a genuinely true story.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05The government are trying to stop children from killing insects.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10How are they going to get this across? Weave it into CBeebies?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45The BNP were in the news this week.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49It was their party conference. Nick Griffin wants to be MP for Barking.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Did you see him try and sell himself?
0:10:51 > 0:10:56People don't really vote for a party. They vote for a person.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Well, that's you fucked then.
0:10:59 > 0:11:04We hit Barking with a double dose of recognition and charisma.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09If I lived in Barking I'd rather have a double dose of cat AIDS.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Imagine having Griffin as your local MP. "What are your policies?"
0:11:13 > 0:11:18"I will paint over all the black bits in zebra crossings." Muppet.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23It's not just his policies - I can't look at his face.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26He's like something from Greggs come alive, isn't he?
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Like a hideous sausage roll with learning difficulties.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38"I'm pink inside, but flakey outside."
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Bizarrely, some people actually went to the conference.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46In the front row, a man who appears to be a vicar.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Why is a vicar in the front row of a BNP conference?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52What are his services like? Hello.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56# All things white and beautiful...
0:11:56 > 0:12:00# All creatures great and small... #
0:12:02 > 0:12:05It was the first conference since the BNP had been forced to admit non-white members.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I say we all join.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12Every creed, every colour, African, European, Middle Easten, Asians.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16We all get together and vote out the spam-faced hate monger.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:19 > 0:12:21CHEERING
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Did you see Griffin's speech? He told a spectacular lie.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Sometimes we can be a little blunt.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Sometimes a little politically incorrect, but we're always honest.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Oh, really?
0:12:34 > 0:12:38The BNP member of the London Assembly has been suspended
0:12:38 > 0:12:44- from his post for a month for making up details of murders.- Boom!
0:12:44 > 0:12:47That's a lie, fatty.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49The BNP have such a ridiculous viewpoint.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I was born here, it's my country.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Like you had any choice. You were born here by chance.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59It's not like you were sat in your mum's tummy going, "Mother, point your fanny towards Dover!"
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"This better be England."
0:13:10 > 0:13:12The police have had a tricky week.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23A 93-page book on cycling. Surely they know how to ride a bike.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28OK, PC Howard. Grip tight, don't get distracted. You can do it.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Let's go. Here we go.- Woo!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37That's it, lad.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Now you're you're a copper.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Maybe they do need help.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45They certainly haven't mastered the art of braking.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00There is something joyous about it.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03He's fat, he's a policeman and he fell over.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06They have been told how to ride bikes.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Now they are being told how to talk to criminals.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Genuinely true. There has been loads of complaints
0:14:15 > 0:14:18about the police being rude. The police, rude?
0:14:18 > 0:14:22The Paki in a coma's about as lively as Liberace's dick when he's looking at a naked woman.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26All in all this investigation's going at the speed of a spastic in a magnet factory.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28LAUGHTER
0:14:31 > 0:14:33A little bit rude.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Poor coppers. We are taking away all the tools of intimidation.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39No guns, no swearing.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Pretty soon we'll take away their sirens. Wouldn't that be horrific?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45They would have to lean their head out of the window.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47A-woo-woo-woo-woo!
0:14:47 > 0:14:51We'll be there in a minute. A-woo-woo-woo! I hate my life.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Instead of good cop, bad cop, we will have good cop, lovely cop.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I'm ain't saying nothing, copper.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Really?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Stop it, you are being too nice.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Nice? You ain't seen nothing yet.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16Hello. He seems a little bit tense.
0:15:16 > 0:15:21Are you going to be a helpful Hector?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Did you do the crimey-rimey?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- Did you?- All right,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I did it. I did the crime.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31So, the police are getting more polite.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Luckily for them, so are the criminals.
0:15:33 > 0:15:38It claims there has been a rise in middle-class amateur shoplifters.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42People taking iPods, cameras, even fresh meat and seafood
0:15:42 > 0:15:46all to sustain a luxury lifestyle as the recession bites.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Seafood? IPods?
0:15:49 > 0:15:53These aren't just shoplifters, these are M&S shoplifters.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55LAUGHTER
0:15:55 > 0:15:57People are going,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00"We take what we want, but we put it into a Bag for Life."
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Middle-class shoplifting.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05What crimes will they commit next? Bank robbery.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10"Put all the money in the bag, but leave some for Mencap."
0:16:10 > 0:16:11I'd love to see the graffiti.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15"Sebastian was here, and he had a bloody gap year".
0:16:15 > 0:16:18It may not sound like much, but added together,
0:16:18 > 0:16:23it puts the UK at the top of Europe's shoplifting league table.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24Hey!
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Am I the only one that feels a little bit proud?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I didn't even know there was a shoplifting league.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Are there people keeping score?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Welcome back to Shoplift Saturday.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37While you are away, a man stole a chicken from Aldi. Over to Spain.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41I've got an old lady nicking a wheel barrow. Oh no, she's paying for it!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- Oh!- What a disaster, Spain! - Hold it there, Spain. Norway?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47A woman in Norway has just stolen a lava lamp from IKEA.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- Absolutely textbook stuff. - Winona Ryder. Over to you, Colin.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I think somebody has stolen my pen.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03This story really pissed me off.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14What a jobsworth. Even the ducks were furious.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:17:23 > 0:17:25I hate people who stamp on joy.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Do you know this woman doesn't even have a job.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30She could have been at home moping around watching this.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Which is pretty much the Daily Mail on a period. But no.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41No! Instead she is showing her son the simple pleasure
0:17:41 > 0:17:44of feeding the ducks. What else will they ban?
0:17:44 > 0:17:48No more potato prints, that is mocking the Irish.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53You can't skim stones on a river, you'll blind an otter.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Do you remember skimming stones? How fantastic was that?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58It's when you first realise you're a man,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00when you can first skim a stone.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02The first time I got two skips I grew a pube.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I can remember it, just katung!
0:18:06 > 0:18:10I went to the Harvester that night and I was allowed an adult meal.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15The kids menu? I think not, he did a skimmer and he's packing bush.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I was like that, "You heard the man, now fetch me a lasag-na."
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I was dancing a bit there. Good news this week for cricket fans.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35The Ashes are set to make a come back on terrestrial TV Following a report
0:18:35 > 0:18:40into which of the sport's so-called crown jewels should be free to air.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Someone laughed at the words crown jewels there.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Which means we all get to watch the Ashes for free.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Whether you like cricket or not, you have got to love the crowd.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Wahey!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11At cricket, everyone is welcome.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14It feels like a massive family piss-up. The players love a drink.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19The crowd love a beer.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Extraordinary about the shot.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Then, from one example of supreme co-ordination,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28we go to the other end of the scale.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31The fantastic thing about that, he manages to catch his pint.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Ah, my pretty...
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Best of all, the commentators are like randy uncles.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Some tough days. Some good days.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Some easy days.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Ooh, yes, I'll have two of those.
0:19:45 > 0:19:50Blood hell! When they actually meet women it's even better.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Yes, you can come in.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52What's your name?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- Sally.- Are you Sally?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I used to have a dog called Sally.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Reel her in, Bumble!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Off you go. D'you like the older man?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Later!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09The best thing about cricket is the Ashes trophy itself.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10A tiny, wooden urn.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Blood, sweat and tears, and what do we win?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Something that looks like a Victorian butt plug.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Fantastic news. Look at this...
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Mild-mannered scientists at Duke University
0:20:29 > 0:20:32have also created a cloak of invisibility.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Five points to Gryffindor.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Imagine the possibilities!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40So, the thing is, it's such a new field
0:20:40 > 0:20:43that it's hard to even imagine what it could be used for.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Whatever, Toadfish!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I've...
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I've got loads of ideas!
0:20:50 > 0:20:54You could creep into Nick Griffin's house and black him up.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57You could park in a disabled space,
0:20:57 > 0:21:01and, just as you got out of the car, just hang it over one arm.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Sneaky. You know you'd do it!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Listen to me chatting about invisibility cloaks.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10I'd do this, I'd do that.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15I think if any man had won, it would be bad news for this lady...
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Ooh-ooh-ooh-ohh!
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28There's going to be a mystery guest who's in the news,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32So, please welcome my mystery guest!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Hello, what's your name? My name's Georgina Blackwell.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Georgina Blackwell. It's lovely to meet you. I'm Russell Howard.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- This seems very nice.- Would you like to have your nails done?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- Absolutely. This is going all right, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57So, am I dreaming or is this actually happening?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00So, why are you in the news?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03You're gonna be in the news for a different reason now.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Turning me into a transvestite, which is nice.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I've been in the news cos I've been in the High Court this week.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12What did you do?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I was actually sticking up for our rights.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19- Really?- We took Bellway Homes to court and we've actually won.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20- I know who you are!- Do you?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Yeah, I do, actually.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25You're the Essex stunner, as you're reported, I think,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29in the Daily Mail, who took on some barristers and won, is that right?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33- That's right.- Sweet work. Fantastic. - Thank you.- Brilliant.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I've never guessed any one straightaway, but I saw you.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Do you want to tell everyone what happened?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41We took them to the High Court over an access dispute,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44and my mum couldn't afford a barrister.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49So I stood up as her barrister in court and defended her, and we won.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Genuinely lovely story. Is this ever gonna come off, more pressingly?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- It's permanent.- Is it? Right, OK.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- D'you like the colour?- I do.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09- Can I do some on you? That'll be nice.- Mine are all done.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I'll do them differently, don't worry, darling.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Here you are, let's do this properly.- Oh, God!
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- Have you ever done this before? - You've never defended anyone, it went pretty well.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22APPLAUSE
0:23:24 > 0:23:27What you should have done, it would have been great
0:23:27 > 0:23:29if you just took this into the courtroom,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31wouldn't that have been great?
0:23:31 > 0:23:35"Yeah, judge, I'll tell you what went down. Give us your hand...
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"Yeah, these pricks were in my mum's garden, yeah?"
0:23:38 > 0:23:40"Yeah."
0:23:40 > 0:23:42"They were causing bother, judge."
0:23:45 > 0:23:49"We don't like bother, do we, baby doll?" "No."
0:23:49 > 0:23:52"They're guilty, aren't they?"
0:23:52 > 0:23:53"They're very guilty.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56"They're bad, bad boys, that's what they are. They're bad."
0:23:56 > 0:24:00I can't believe I am now doing these.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04It's really enjoyable after a while, isn't it? It's like colouring in.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I sounded about six-years-old then.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10"It's like joining the dots, innit?"
0:24:10 > 0:24:13That was lovely. Well, ladies and gentlemen, what a wonderful story.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- It's a genuine pleasure to meet you. - Thank you.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Please, give it up for my mystery guest!
0:24:26 > 0:24:29So, the Sun is 40 this week.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31That's the paper, not the sun.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34That's right, it's the paper you can't not read.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Over the years, they've given us hyperbole, Page Three girls,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39and some sensational headlines.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42When they discovered Heather Mills' murky film history,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44they went with this...
0:24:47 > 0:24:50They've even looked on the light side of serial killing.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56They've been the first to cover celebrity weddings.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02God bless you, the Sun!
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Sweet news for the menfolk.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07It seems that scientists - or researchers -
0:25:07 > 0:25:11have found the perfect excuse for men to get out of doing the housework.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13A study - conducted by a man, I might add -
0:25:13 > 0:25:15has found that household chores,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18including using a vacuum cleaner or a microwave oven,
0:25:18 > 0:25:22could reduce a man's chance of having children by lowering his sperm count.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Great news!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26"Will you tidy the kitchen, darling?"
0:25:26 > 0:25:28"I can, but we'll have to adopt."
0:25:29 > 0:25:31"I forgot to take the pill!"
0:25:31 > 0:25:35"Don't worry, darling, I'll rub my balls against the microwave."
0:25:35 > 0:25:38If this story is true, how potent is this filth monger?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44A shock revelation in the pant world.
0:25:44 > 0:25:50On average, men only buy pants between the ages of 19 to 35.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54It makes sense. When you're little, there's one rule.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Do they have a super hero on them?
0:25:55 > 0:25:59"Mother, I'm not going to school unless Spiderman is near my nads."
0:25:59 > 0:26:02And when you're older, it's even simpler,
0:26:02 > 0:26:06will they stop your plums from banging against your ankles?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Have you ever seen an old man's nuts?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12They're like snooker balls in a rugby sock.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16The trouble is, for men, we don't believe the pant adverts.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18You're meant to look like this.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Exactly. But the reality, you look more like this...
0:26:25 > 0:26:29When you've ever worn a pair of those tight Beckham pants,
0:26:29 > 0:26:31it's murder on your cock, isn't it?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33You open up your pants, your dick's like...
0:26:33 > 0:26:36"Where have you been?"
0:26:36 > 0:26:38It's suffocating in there...!
0:26:41 > 0:26:45He looks like Saddam Hussein when they found him in that hole.
0:26:52 > 0:26:57Now, this week, we've heard about people winning millions on the lottery.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00But you may not have seen this lovely little story about a man
0:27:00 > 0:27:02who knows the real value of money.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Now, most of us try to give a little bit to charity.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08But what about half your lifetime's earnings?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11An Oxford University academic is planning to do just that.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Dr Toby Ord says he will give away over £1 million,
0:27:14 > 0:27:16more than half his future income,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19to help fight poverty in the developing world.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23I've looked into this and found I can do a tremendous amount of good.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27I could potentially save about 3,000 lives,
0:27:27 > 0:27:30and also produce a huge amount of benefits
0:27:30 > 0:27:34for people who aren't in danger of dying
0:27:34 > 0:27:38but are suffering from terrible diseases.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Isn't that lovely? I hope you enjoyed the show. Take care.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:53 > 0:27:56E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk