0:00:02 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language
0:00:26 > 0:00:32Hello! Hello, welcome to the show!
0:00:32 > 0:00:37Every week I'll be travelling here, there and everywhere looking for stories that'll make you laugh.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Did you see what John Barrowman's had installed in his house?
0:00:40 > 0:00:45The back end of a 22-year-old man who got stuck for 11 hours.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Torchwood! Is it
0:00:48 > 0:00:50just me or is Jon Snow on heat?
0:00:50 > 0:00:56After the break, calling all mothers, prepare to be wooed in the months ahead.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Watch out, mothers! Have you seen the Albanian version of Hole In The Wall?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07We don't mess about in Albania.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12Did you see how mesmerised the Chinese kids were by Barack Obama?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities...
0:01:18 > 0:01:20He's amazing!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22It wasn't quite the same for Gordon Brown.
0:01:22 > 0:01:28Never stop believing in the good sense of the British people.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Never stop believing we can move forward to a fairer,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34more responsible, more prosperous Britain.
0:01:34 > 0:01:40Never stop believing we can make a Britain equal to its best ideals,
0:01:40 > 0:01:42never, never, stop believing.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47# Why does it always rain on me. #
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Cumbria this week had the heaviest rainfall on record.
0:01:51 > 0:01:56Areas of Cumbria have been devastated by record levels of rainfall which have led to severe flooding.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Your heart goes out to everyone affected, but was anyone else a bit
0:02:00 > 0:02:04like me, you see the destruction, then you see the name of the town.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- We're live in Cockermouth... - Cockermouth...
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Cockermouth...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- This is Cockermouth... - Cockermouth...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- Cockermouth.- Cockermouth. - Cockermouth High Street.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19You can't not laugh!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22It's like seeing an old lady hit by a frisbee, you know you will.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28You hate yourself, but disaster, silly place name, you're gonna giggle.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31It's like finding out there's been a bushfire here...
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Or a diving disaster here...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Those brave Muff divers.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47The only silver lining I could see was the reaction of the kids.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49We see floods, they see fun.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52METAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Look at those kids, the parents are going, "We've lost everything."
0:03:02 > 0:03:08The kids have got that lovely glint in their eye which says, "No school Monday."
0:03:08 > 0:03:12The front room is a swimming pool and, "I've been in a helicopter."
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Did you see the people in the helicopter?
0:03:14 > 0:03:21I was thinking, wouldn't it be awful if you got winched to safety the one day you decided to dress as a gimp.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Wouldn't that be brutal?
0:03:24 > 0:03:25"I'll dress up as a gimp this weekend."
0:03:25 > 0:03:27All of a sudden you're on telly.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Your wife, "He told me he was on a business trip!"
0:03:32 > 0:03:38"Don't leave me Samantha!" You rarely ever see the seedy side of flood damage, do you?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40They're always going, "What have you lost?"
0:03:40 > 0:03:43"Family heirlooms..." Wouldn't it be great to see a bloke go,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45"No, all me porn."
0:03:47 > 0:03:49"The waters were too fast,
0:03:49 > 0:03:53"it came into my house and before I knew it, my copy of Schindler's Fist had gone."
0:03:57 > 0:04:01"Don't laugh, you bastards, I'll not get that back!
0:04:01 > 0:04:07"I came back to my flat and my vintage DVD of Fear and Loathing In My Anus...
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"..ruined!
0:04:09 > 0:04:12"Turn the camera off, I'm not strong enough."
0:04:12 > 0:04:15What I hate about any extreme weather, there's always some
0:04:15 > 0:04:19idiot like the former bishop of Carlisle, who cites this argument.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22The bishop has argued that pro-gay legislation like the
0:04:22 > 0:04:26civil partnership act and the sexual orientation regulations are all part
0:04:26 > 0:04:33of a sweeping permissiveness and what's happening now is a perfectly natural, but also divine response.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Moron!
0:04:34 > 0:04:38He said the the storms hit the UK because of our relaxed attitude
0:04:38 > 0:04:40towards homosexuality, which is ridiculous.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44In ancient Greece all they did was read and bum each other.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47The weather was absolutely lovely.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Steady on, Socrates, I nearly lost my page!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Fuck, it's hot.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- Terrible result for Ireland this week. - I have to send home John and Edward.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Feel the rage. I wasn't on about that, I meant this.
0:05:09 > 0:05:14It's the goal that's even got Ireland's justice minister demanding a rematch.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19Thierry Henry clearly handling the ball before playing it back across the goal back for the winner.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Slowed down the France captain even appears to have touched it twice.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26First with his arm and next with his hand.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31I tell you what, if Thierry Henry ever visits Ireland, his Guinness will look like this.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Lovely laugh over there, I don't know if you can hear that at home.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38There's a man went, "ah, ah, ah."
0:05:38 > 0:05:40That's how you should laugh at a cock in Guinness.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- The Irish fans were not happy. - Cheat. Cheat. Cheat.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49We were robbed! Robbed!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Henry's a cheat, Henry's a cheat.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Luckily the Irish knew who to blame.
0:05:54 > 0:06:00Irish cleaners are so angry with Henry, they are attacking their Henry Hoovers.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04What a fantastic reaction.
0:06:04 > 0:06:10I love the idea of some guy stumbling back from the game pissed, "Where's the fecking Hoover?!"
0:06:12 > 0:06:17Don't you smile at me, Henry, you cheating little cheat!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I should have known you'd turn on me.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25All of these years you've been stealing my dust with your great big French nose!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Now, we all love it when someone makes a mistake.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37Tom Hanks, The Green Mole.
0:06:40 > 0:06:46But stupid has a new hero this week in Michael Burton, who got the lowest ever score on Mastermind.
0:06:46 > 0:06:52- Seven points. He said, "Pass" more times than Ronaldo's team-mates. - Angels in two minutes starting now.
0:06:52 > 0:06:58- What's the meaning of the Greek angelos from which the word angel comes?- Pass.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Pass... Pass... Pass... Pass...
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Pass... Pass... Pass... Pass... Pass... Pass... Pass... Pass...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- The 6th Century.- The 4th Century.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Seven points, did you see his excuse, this was exquisite.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I'm the black Jeremy Beadle.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20He is not, I've seen his hand.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23And he also said it was a prank.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Surely the point of a prank is to make other people look stupid.
0:07:26 > 0:07:32It's like hiding in a cupboard for three years and going, "Hey, fooled you, I've been hiding.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34"Dad...!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"You've been declared legally dead.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40"Mum's remarried."
0:07:40 > 0:07:44He said he got seven points as a cheeky tribute to his seven kids.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Surely a better tribute would be winning it.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50"Who's my dad? Only the worst contestant ever on Mastermind!
0:07:50 > 0:07:57"You must so proud. I am. Nearly as proud as the time you went on Deal Or No Deal and shat in a box."
0:07:57 > 0:08:03They won't be proud, he just said "pass" over and over.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05If you're gonna fail, then fail with style.
0:08:05 > 0:08:11Have a look at these genuine answers from recent exams - they are wonderful.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12These are all true, there's the first question.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Here's the answer... Unusual names.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Mrs Orpheus.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29That's the way to fail, it gets better -
0:08:32 > 0:08:35There you go.
0:08:37 > 0:08:42Just exquisite, isn't it?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46It doesn't, it's just self, self, self.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53One, all the cows will escape.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Two, the cars drive into the fields.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Three, there is nowhere to hide.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03This is my favourite - this is exquisitely stupid, right.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Here's the answer...
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Whoever wrote that, whoever's out there that wrote that,
0:09:19 > 0:09:25you are a genius, but you've got no concept, because I doubt you're able to turn the telly on,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28just sat there rubbing it.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32"Mum, the magic box won't work!"
0:09:35 > 0:09:37So, it's been a big week for reality TV.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I have to send home John and Edward.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44No, not that, right, I meant this...
0:09:44 > 0:09:50She became a global sensation after her performance on Britain's Got Talent in April, but even though
0:09:50 > 0:09:55she came second, Susan Boyle's debut album has already broken records.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00Yes, the website Amazon reports that it's become the biggest selling pre-ordered album in history.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05Quite an achievement, but surely, her biggest triumph is the success of her son, Frankie?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16You should hear him sing.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21Susan Boyle is the fastest pre-order on Amazon ever, why?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I'll tell you why, it's loads of kids who can't be arsed to go
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Christmas shopping getting it for their mums, isn't it?
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Double click, done!
0:10:28 > 0:10:33Mum's going to go mental. I wanted Ugg boots not Ugg singing.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38She was called the Hairy Angel!
0:10:38 > 0:10:43How unfair is that, a nickname that sounds like slang for vagina.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Do you reckon now that she's successful, they'll call her the Beaver Diva?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Her career is built on guilt.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55We all saw her and we all made a snap judgement.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Look at that woman, I bet she goes to Tescos and shouts at the cheese, and then...
0:11:00 > 0:11:02We all did it, we all did it!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04You can see her now near the brie.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Then she ruined it when she bloody did this!
0:11:09 > 0:11:14# I dreamed a dream of time gone by
0:11:16 > 0:11:20# When hopes were high and life worth living. #
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- Youse didn't expect that, did you?! - We all sat there going, "Brilliant, she is amazing."
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Now I'll have to buy the album to stop feeling guilty. That's the secret of talent shows.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32They win us over with a good sob story, isn't it?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Pretty soon kids will walk on screeching, "They found me in a bin!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39"I've only ever eaten cat food."
0:11:39 > 0:11:43# Come on, everyone, get happy, chase all your tears away... #
0:11:45 > 0:11:52Sob stories are good, but can never compete with the joy of watching good old-fashioned lunatics.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Are you ready for the people?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Some people applauding...
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Some people thinking, "I will never ask that lady to put up my shelves."
0:12:16 > 0:12:22This week sees the release of a fat busting pill that tricks your brain into thinking you're full.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27If you want a drug that makes you lose weight, just take heroin.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Let's be honest. You very rarely see a tubby smackhead.
0:12:33 > 0:12:39Maybe this fat busting pill is a good idea, nobody likes the gym and home fitness is rubbish.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Do you really lose weight doing that?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51She looks like she's doing the impression of a pensioner ejaculating.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58God knows what this is!
0:13:08 > 0:13:11And some of them are clearly designed by men.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Introducing the Shake Weight, the revolutionary new way
0:13:14 > 0:13:19to shape and tone, designed specifically for women.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23I think that I speak for all men, when I say that's the best way for women to lose weight.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Strange happenings in Germany.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Check out this approach to bringing music to the masses.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42What a really weird way to get into classical music.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Where did you first hear Adagio For Strings?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I was on a lead getting spanked.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52Do you reckon it'll be like McDonald's where they play faster music to get the punters moving?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55If they played this, you'd be done in a minute.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03To be honest...
0:14:03 > 0:14:09- There's a lot of music you don't want to hear during sex. - MUSIC: Blue Peter Theme Tune
0:14:11 > 0:14:15MUSIC: Match Of The Day Theme
0:14:15 > 0:14:20MUSIC: Final Seconds Music from Countdown
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I bet you money Richard Whiteley had sex and did that, you know.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33He must have done! They were always having a laugh on Countdown.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- O...- Consonant, please.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Now, great news for impotent diabetics.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I love the idea that they're sat at home going, "Uh?"
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Chefs in Columbia have invented the Love Cake.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Cooking students call their creation a Love Dessert.
0:15:08 > 0:15:13That's because the special pudding is made with passion fruit pulp, chocolate hearts
0:15:13 > 0:15:16and a little of that blue pill, Viagra.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Do you know, they're going to call it Stiffy Cocky pudding!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27They are!
0:15:27 > 0:15:29How very clever, very clever.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Nice cock and pudding gag!
0:15:32 > 0:15:36You're laughing, it must a nightmare for the chef, imagine that.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38"Nearly ready, uh-huh."
0:15:38 > 0:15:41"Oh no!"
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Suddenly he's got a boner that's harder than a Scottish winter.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49It would really liven up working in a restaurant if they had Viagra knocking around.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54"Oi, I've taken six, grab those doughnuts, let's play hoopla."
0:15:58 > 0:16:03There is a problem with this. What if you don't finish your pudding and it ends up in a bin outside.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I'm already scared of foxes.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13If I saw one with a throbber, can you imagine the fear?!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19It'd look like Anne Robinson with a strap on, it'd be terrible!
0:16:21 > 0:16:27He would be a fairly easy fox to hunt, though, just paw prints and a massive drag mark.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29It'd be like chasing a Scalextric.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35If you're serving this in restaurants, how long before we see it on this show?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Oh, my word. What a meal!
0:16:43 > 0:16:47How about that for a main? You know, you have the chicken and then there's that?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49It's quite exquisite.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54We had a lot of fun filming that!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57There's been all sorts of sexual rumours knocking around this week.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01You know the latest on taking ejaculate into your mouth.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05If you take ejaculate into your mouth, it'll whiten your treeth!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Oh, really...?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Look at this, good news for bad news.
0:17:22 > 0:17:28There's a bakery in Brighton, who've started making divorce cakes.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I don't know if you've seen them, but they are fantastic.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33There's one for the angry wife...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38There's one for the angry man...
0:17:38 > 0:17:41And one for the psycho...
0:17:44 > 0:17:47If we've started celebrating divorces, why not get cakes
0:17:47 > 0:17:50for other weird times - Happy Menopause Cake!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Mmm, it's a bit dry.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Why is there no jam?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Did you run out of eggs?!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I'm so sorry, Mum, I'm so sorry.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28What was lovely about that, you just hear a man in the crowd laughing.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30"Oh, dear."
0:18:30 > 0:18:36Now, according to my mum, I've finally made it because this week I appeared in Heat.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Don't...!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Weird Crush 2009, you're right, madam.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Well, whatever.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49My mum was giddy. "Oh Christ, Russ, you'll be on Strictly next."
0:18:49 > 0:18:53This is basically a list of all the men you don't want to admit you fancy, I was number eight.
0:18:57 > 0:19:03Do you know what they said about me, "He has dodgy teeth and a serious twitch problem with his eye."
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Watch out ladies!
0:19:09 > 0:19:13I'm the king of the munters!
0:19:13 > 0:19:18You know how I found out about this, right? I got a text message from this man.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I genuinely did.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23He texts me, "Captain Howard!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25"I whipped you in Heat Magazine.
0:19:25 > 0:19:30"I'm number seven, you're number eight!"
0:19:30 > 0:19:32To be honest, I was quite pleased.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Did you see who was at number 12?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Barack Obama!
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- Sorry, that's not his name. - Mr Long Legged McDaddy!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47How did I beat Obama? He's tall,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50he's wise, he dances on chat shows.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I'm number eight! I'm number eight!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05I've yet to master the art of chat shows.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08This ring is extremely sparkly. Is it not, it's a sparkly ring.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- I like that.- Very good.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13How do you like mine.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14You've both got lovely rings.
0:20:17 > 0:20:22Funny, here... At five o'clock, in front of pensioners, it's not really that funny,
0:20:22 > 0:20:27but, unbelievably, look who beat me and Mr Long Leg McDaddy.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Son of a bitch!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35And, Derren Brown was number one!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38But the funniest thing, this man was at number three.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40The Stig!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44How can you fancy a man without a face?!
0:20:44 > 0:20:48You can't have sex with him, you'd be looking at your own reflection!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Nobody wants to look at their sex face.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57To be honest, it doesn't really matter, the joke's on you, nation.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01It's me!
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15There's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18So, please, welcome my mystery guest.
0:21:18 > 0:21:25# I want to get away I want to fly away Yeah, yeah... #
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Hello, how are you?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I'm Russ. What's your name?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- Lewis.- You really thought hard then.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I thought I could tell you my name. I forgot.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Of course you can tell me your name. Are you in government protection?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44You're not really doing a very good job about it.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Don't do anything, all right. I'll go on telly in a wet suit.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Unless you're just really forward gimps, I don't know.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- What's your name?- I'm Jake.- Jake.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55So why are you in the news?
0:21:55 > 0:21:59We achieved one of our goals that we've been aiming for, for quite a few years now.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- A goal you've been aiming for. Can you give me any more information? - That's a sneaky line, that is.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08Tell us why you're in the news, that got the person last week, didn't it?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Have you done your research?- Yeah.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16You'll have to keep doing some more questions first, we're not that easy.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- It's quite an active sport. - It's quite an active sport. OK.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Was I close with gimps?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Miles away.
0:22:30 > 0:22:36- OK. How often do you do it, do you do it together?- We can't do it...
0:22:36 > 0:22:39We DO do it together but we can't do it whenever we want.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44You can't do it whenever you want! Do your girlfriends know you do it?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- We don't have girlfriends.- No.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54We do like women, though!
0:22:54 > 0:22:55You do like women!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I wasn't suggesting that!
0:22:57 > 0:23:03- Surfing, do you do a bit of surfing? - We don't do surfing.- Have you ever surfed?- Yeah.- Why don't you surf?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Because we don't get the best waves where we live in Worthing.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- You live in Worthing. - < WHOO! - OK, wow, that's gone down big.
0:23:09 > 0:23:15- You live in Worthing?- Yeah. - Am I allowed to bring on a guest?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- Come up here and interrogate them with me.- I think she knows us.
0:23:23 > 0:23:28Sit down. Oops, sorry, I trod on your foot. All right, I'll sit here.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- Hi.- Hello. How are you doing?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Are you gimps?
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- No, we're not gimps. - Oh, my God. What is that?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45It's find keys, I've lost my keys.
0:23:45 > 0:23:50I don't know if you can see this, a lady has written on her arm, "Find keys."
0:23:56 > 0:24:00This is like the chavviest memento I've seen.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Do you want that, you can interview them and I'll stand here.
0:24:02 > 0:24:07So, if you know, is this allowed? It feels like cheating, I don't know?
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Has it been something to do with the weather, recently?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- Yeah, that's correct.- Yeah, we've been waiting for it for a long time.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- You've been waiting for a long time. - Yeah.- And what's been happening with the weather, recently, Russell?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23There's been lots of wind, lots of rain?
0:24:23 > 0:24:28- Yes, follow on the wind part.- To do with the sea, big waves?- Yes.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32- What are we on?- We're on a pier!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Yes, fuck, I know.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40I do need you because you pretty much did the work for me.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- You're those guys that jumped the Worthing Pier, aren't you?- Yeah.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Wow, fucking great, boys.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54I don't know if you saw this, hopefully have we got the clip of them jumping? Oh, wow!
0:24:54 > 0:24:59- You've got to introduce this, this is proper cool.- It's fair that Jake does it, cos he did it first.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Wouldn't it be great if at this moment, Jake,
0:25:02 > 0:25:07just after you introduced it you pulled her keys out of your arse.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16On the Monday, me and Lewis attempted...
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Fuck you, Craig David, that's what they did on a Monday!
0:25:25 > 0:25:31- Sorry, guys. - We've been waiting for over a number of years to achieve our goal.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34On the Monday we achieved our goal of jumping over Worthing Pier.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Have a look at this clip, it's awesome.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Two kite surfers have taken advantage of strong winds to jump over a pier.
0:25:41 > 0:25:47The dare devil pair soared over Worthing pier at a height of 70ft travelling over 250ft,
0:25:47 > 0:25:52before touching down on the water on the other side of the pier.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Well done, gentlemen. Thank you for coming in.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Nice to meet you, it was really great. There you go.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Do you want to go back? Thank you very much. Please, give it up for my helper!
0:26:04 > 0:26:09Please, a massive round of applause for probably my favourite mystery guests!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Now, the beauty of sport, sometimes it can be funny...
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Sometimes it can be brutal...
0:26:36 > 0:26:38And sometimes it can change your life.
0:26:38 > 0:26:44No-one inside Wembley stadium expected him to do it, he didn't even expect to do it himself,
0:26:44 > 0:26:51but when somebody offers you £250,000 to kick a rugby ball directly onto the crossbar, in one attempt,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54from 30 yards, and you're not wearing your shoes,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56well, you have to have a go.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59You might just surprise yourself.
0:27:01 > 0:27:07How about that, the club hooker from Hertfordshire and the 46,000 fans
0:27:07 > 0:27:10at Wembley couldn't quite believe it.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Stuart Tinner won the Saracens half-time challenge at Wembley
0:27:13 > 0:27:15and walked away with £250,000.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Did you see the interview on ITV, it was incredible. They accused him of being an alcoholic.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Had you had a beer before you kicked the ball?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- No.- You were stone cold sober?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Stone cold sober.
0:27:27 > 0:27:34- I don't believe that.- Just for that reason, "No, no, you're definitely drunk, look at you."
0:27:34 > 0:27:37It didn't stop there, they really started grilling him. Look at this.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41How does it rate as a moment in your life?
0:27:41 > 0:27:46- It is definitely up there, top three.- What are the other two? - I wouldn't like to say.
0:27:48 > 0:27:53- I wouldn't like to say. - They ask him twice, "Go on, say it, I wouldn't like to say. Say it!"
0:27:53 > 0:27:58As if the poor bloke's gonna answer, the entire country watching him, do they honestly believe he's gonna go,
0:27:58 > 0:28:02"Have you ever covered your arse in jam and moon walked towards the cat?"
0:28:02 > 0:28:05They didn't end there. They slammed his marital status.
0:28:05 > 0:28:10So, Stuart Tinner, discreet, athletic and loaded.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11He's also still single.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Boo! You're a loser!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18And they made him admit he was a really bad prostitute.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22I'm probably not the best hooker in England.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Hope you enjoyed the show, have a good night, ta-ra!
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:36 > 0:28:40E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk