0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Hello.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Good evening. Settle down. Good evening.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Every week I'll be going from Alderaan to the Dagobah system to find stories that make you laugh.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41I tell you what, Ryanair are really cutting back on luxuries.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Always remember, if you're talking about homosexuals, watch out for innuendo.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I don't mind gays...
0:00:52 > 0:00:56but I don't want them stuffing it down my throat all the time.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58LAUGHTER
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Telly's been getting pretty weird.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Eamonn Holmes has been pimping himself out.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06You can do whatever you want with me for 20 grand.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Sounds like Penny Smith paid that cash.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13A filthy weekend.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18The world's getting scarier. Luckily, Andrew Marr is there to cheer us up.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22We could all, in Britain, freeze to death in weeks!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27At times, I think he makes things up.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31The latest threat is iPod zombie cyclists.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Highlight of the week, Andrew Marr's belch.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38It is a very serious story.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41I'm sure you and Matthew, being the serious ones...
0:01:41 > 0:01:42DEEP BELCH
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Now, if you didn't spot it, here it is again.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48It is a very serious story.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I'm sure you and Matthew, being the serious ones...
0:01:51 > 0:01:53DEEP BELCH
0:01:53 > 0:01:56# Goodness gracious Great balls of fire! #
0:01:56 > 0:02:00So, big news of the week, somebody has lost their no-claims bonus.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Tiger Woods, the most famous golfer in the world,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04one of the most famous people...
0:02:04 > 0:02:08..was injured in a late-night car smash outside his Florida mansion...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10..that involved a fire hydrant,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13a neighbour's tree and his Cadillac Escalade...
0:02:13 > 0:02:15..and had to be taken to hospital.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17It's massive news. Bloggers have gone wild.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21What?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Tiger Woods in a car accident?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25That's right, my friend.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30His wife smashed the window with a golf club and pulled him out of the car.
0:02:31 > 0:02:36His wife took a golf club, broke the window and pulled him out of the car?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39That's what I'm driving at, exactly.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42But nobody could have predicted this response...
0:02:42 > 0:02:44# I need me a white girl!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46# A white girl! Ow! White girl!
0:02:46 > 0:02:50# White girl! I need me a white girl! A white girl! Ow!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53# White girl! White girl! #
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Ha, ha!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Nobody saw that coming.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05Tiger has denied the rumours that he had a massive argument with his wife.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Apparently she went "ghetto".
0:03:07 > 0:03:11What does that mean? Did she start screaming,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14"You ain't no Tiger, you a goddamn pussycat!"?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER
0:03:16 > 0:03:18We don't have a similar expression in this country.
0:03:18 > 0:03:24"You should have been there, Nigel, she went absolutely cul-de-sac!"
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Tiger denies he was having an affair.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30If your name is Tiger, there's a lot of pressure to be good at sex,
0:03:30 > 0:03:32or my name isn't Russell "Magic Cock" Howard.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Tiger - it was a really weird christening...
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Tiger...
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Tiger hasn't been seen in public since the accident.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47The rumour is that his wife scratched his face and he is waiting for the scars to go down.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49What do you reckon she scratched on his face?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Wouldn't it be great if it was just the words,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"mother-putter".
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Whenever a celebrity is injured, there's always an avalanche of crap puns.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59"He's not very good at driving." Very good(!)
0:03:59 > 0:04:01"He felt a bit green." Did he?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03"The airbags didn't go off cos he had a hole in one."
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Oh, fuck off and die!
0:04:07 > 0:04:11# Cos I need me a black woman, a black woman! #
0:04:11 > 0:04:14It's been a bizarre week for sport, hasn't it?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Half-time, the US Cup final,
0:04:16 > 0:04:20and the world's best-known footballer reaches for his inhaler.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Despite having asthma since childhood,
0:04:22 > 0:04:26it is the first time David Beckham has been seen using a puffer.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30It's nuts. Beckham's got asthma!
0:04:30 > 0:04:36That's like finding out David Attenborough has an ashtray made out of a gorilla's hand.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Or that Terry Wogan was the man who blinded Pudsey.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:44"Did you look at my wife, PUDSEY?"
0:04:44 > 0:04:47It's like finding out Tigger's got ME.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50"Not today, Piglet.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53"Tigger's a bit tired today."
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Beckham's asthmatic, do you reckon there'll be new chants?
0:05:08 > 0:05:13What if he scored and then had an attack and the other players thought it was a new goal celebration?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23"He looks like a Smurf!"
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Finally, he has a weakness.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30The other teams will be rubbing his shirt with cat hair.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34If you were his team-mate you'd slip some acid into his inhaler.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Imagine the interviews.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37"You didn't pass to Rooney once."
0:05:37 > 0:05:39"He turned into a mermaid, I'm not an idiot."
0:05:41 > 0:05:42"What about Terry?"
0:05:42 > 0:05:45"Well, if you turn up as a Scotch egg, I'm going to bite you."
0:05:47 > 0:05:50"Why did you punch Shaun Wright-Phillips?"
0:05:50 > 0:05:51"He's shit."
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Beckham has also revealed that he smokes cigars.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Wouldn't you love it if he won the World Cup,
0:05:58 > 0:05:59lit up a fat one and went,
0:05:59 > 0:06:02"I love it when a plan comes together."
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Win or lose, at least we'll see the World Cup, unlike the North Koreans.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19It's so unfair! Trouble is, whenever you see a story about Kim Jong-il, you don't think of this...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23You think of this...
0:06:23 > 0:06:29# I'm so...ronery, so ronery
0:06:29 > 0:06:32# So ronery and sadry arone... #
0:06:32 > 0:06:34You can't help it.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37His name makes it sound like he is always moaning.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40"Kim Jong ill, Kim Jong sad,
0:06:40 > 0:06:41"Kim Jong sleepy."
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Don't worry, that's good racism. Anyway...
0:06:48 > 0:06:54The crazy little fucksack is only showing the bits of the World Cup that make North Korea look good!
0:06:54 > 0:06:59You can't edit football. Sometimes the mistakes are the best bits!
0:07:14 > 0:07:20Kim Jong-il is incredible. If you think our politicians are full of PR bullshit, have a look at this...
0:07:38 > 0:07:40# Kim Jong speaks to the mountains! #
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Hi!
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Apparently, Kim Jong-il eats lobsters with silver chopsticks.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49When he quit smoking, he made it illegal for anyone in North Korea to smoke.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54In 2007 he played a round of golf and released this statement...
0:08:07 > 0:08:09He's mad, he just makes stuff up.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12The North Korean Times must be ridiculous.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31Now, remember, a few weeks ago we spotted this guy outside the BBC.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33He was obsessed with getting on telly.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34He kept appearing over and over.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36We thought it was a one-off.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38We were wrong. This week, he was back.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43Marc Ashdown is at the refuge centre set up to look after them. Mark...
0:08:43 > 0:08:48Tonight, it is a refuge centre, more than 200 people are...
0:08:48 > 0:08:50SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- Back to you, Victoria. - Marc, thanks very much indeed.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11We've have had some pretty dumb crime stories lately.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Some American guys robbed a bank.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Did they use a mask? Oh, no.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20We had...
0:09:20 > 0:09:23It's brilliant, isn't it? "Do you reckon they'll see who we are?"
0:09:23 > 0:09:24What's wonderful about it?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Permanent marker.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29We had this master of escape...
0:09:45 > 0:09:48And we had this rather unfortunate news-reader.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58It's not just the criminals who are dumbing down, it's the police, too.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Have a look at this photo-fit from Bolivia.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05You laugh. It actually worked.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Police have since arrested one person.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13We've got footage of the line-up.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27They are saying, this is the worst photofit ever. I'm not so sure.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Unless there's a man who looks like a hairy egg,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34this crime is never getting solved.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Look at this one.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39He looks like a ninja with custard on his face.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44But this is the best. There was a burglar in New Zealand who looked a lot like Robbie Coltrane.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47So rather than draw a likeness, they simply printed this.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Look what they put at the bottom, it's classic.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Do you reckon, if I ever bust a move in New Zealand, they'll show this picture?
0:11:07 > 0:11:08That's a scary likeness, isn't it?
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Although, the Lynx man has got no respect for the war dead.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Possibly the strangest crime story of the year was this filth-monger.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26AUDIENCE: Urgh!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29You think your love life's bad? This man...
0:11:29 > 0:11:32COW MOOS
0:11:32 > 0:11:36..was caught on a farm pleasuring himself in manure.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37AUDIENCE: Urgh!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Police described him as "a bit of a loner".
0:11:40 > 0:11:41Really?!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44How do you discover that's your thing?
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Maybe a pigeon shat on him when he was five. "Oh, no!
0:11:48 > 0:11:49"Oh...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52"Don't clean it, Mum."
0:11:54 > 0:11:56AUDIENCE: Urgh!
0:12:12 > 0:12:17A sexual fetish for slurry. It's going to change that famous old song.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21# Old McDonald had a farm Ee-aye, ee-aye-oh
0:12:21 > 0:12:24# And on that farm, there was a perv Oh my God, that's low!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27# With a wank-wank here, and a tug-tug there
0:12:27 > 0:12:29# In the poo, in the muck Pulling on his wank stick
0:12:29 > 0:12:32# Old McDonald had a farm Ee-aye, ee-aye... #
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Everybody! # O-h-h-h-h! #
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Old McDonald!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Now, here is a shock.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02I find this hard to believe. Even professional shoppers haven't got a clue.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Remember the picture of the horse I showed you earlier?
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Here it is, blown up.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Are you sure that's a horse?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12It looks a bit like a butterfly.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Look at that horse.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20The bushy tail, the big teeth, the hooves.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24OK, my producer just told me this isn't a horse, it's a butterfly.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26LAUGHTER
0:13:27 > 0:13:29When most men shop they're like kids.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31They have to "play with thing".
0:13:31 > 0:13:361101-1816 is the item number on this one.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39The nice thing about these practice katanas...
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Ow! Oh...that hurt!
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Oh. That hurt big time.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47A piece of that, the tip, just got me.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- Oh! That got me good.- You all right?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54A piece of that tip just got me.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56We...uh...
0:13:56 > 0:14:00We may need emergency surgery in the studio.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Men aren't better at shopping.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06For some of them, buying beer turns into a disaster.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08MUSIC: "Trouble" by Ray Lamontagne
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Poor guy, he's like a stranded turtle!
0:14:42 > 0:14:46The best bit is when he leaves, he is so close to freedom.
0:15:06 > 0:15:13Now, the more observant amongst you will have noticed that happened at 10.34 on a Tuesday morning.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Who has a drink at that time of day?
0:15:17 > 0:15:18It is a very serious story.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20You and Matthew, being the serious ones...
0:15:20 > 0:15:22DEEP BELCH
0:15:22 > 0:15:24HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Bad news for the playas this week!
0:15:37 > 0:15:41How funny is that? Are her and Charles in bed watching MTV Base?
0:15:41 > 0:15:45"I don't think you're ready for this jelly?
0:15:45 > 0:15:49"Who the hell is she to tell me when I'm allowed my pudding?"
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Wouldn't it be great if the Queen went,
0:15:54 > 0:15:56"So, Camilla doesn't like rap, eh?",
0:15:56 > 0:15:59then worked it into her Christmas speech?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01# Na-na-na-na-na-na! Getting Lizzie with it!
0:16:01 > 0:16:03# Na-na-na-na-na-na!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05# Come on, everybody!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08# Na-na-na-na-na-na! Getting Lizzie with it!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10# My name is... My name is... My name is...
0:16:10 > 0:16:12# Prince Philip! #
0:16:12 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:16The Royal Family should love rap music.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17When you think about it, this guy...
0:16:19 > 0:16:21..he was the original pimp!
0:16:21 > 0:16:23He had a turf war with the Pope,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25and if one of his bitches stepped out of line,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27he popped a cap in their ass.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32We can't have Camilla advising us on R&B. Rap should be angry.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Polite rap would be rubbish.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Guess who's been in the news this week!
0:17:27 > 0:17:31# Jesus Christ, superstar!
0:17:31 > 0:17:34# Do you think you're what they say you are? #
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Did you see why?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43If you look closely, that's obvious.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Imagine seeing Jesus at Glastonbury.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52"I am the son of God."
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- "Wow, who's- YOUR- dealer?!"
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Did he only visit Glastonbury? Oh, no.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05So basically, he had a gap year.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08"Where do you want to go, Jesus? Babylon, Alexandria?"
0:18:08 > 0:18:11"No, Weston-super-Mare!"
0:18:11 > 0:18:12VOICES SING HALLELUJAH
0:18:12 > 0:18:16Mind you, it's a good job Jesus didn't pick up the accent.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "Listen up, my lovers,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21"blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22"Lush."
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I'd love it if the locals were completely unimpressed.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28"He can turn water into wine?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31"That's nothing, I can turn this cow into a pasty!"
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I bet he did well with the ladies.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37"Hey, baby, you wanna go to heaven and back?"
0:18:37 > 0:18:41If I was God, I'd give my son a big dick.
0:18:41 > 0:18:48Wow, if Christ did have sex, then there may be West Country descendants, but who?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53"I'm Justin Lee Collins, and I'm the son of Jesus,
0:18:53 > 0:18:59"join me next on Channel 4 when I try to beam back all the disciples."
0:18:59 > 0:19:02"I still haven't found Judas, he's a right asshole."
0:19:02 > 0:19:05And that isn't even the weirdest religious story of the week.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Check this out.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Is the Vatican entering the final frontier?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13The Catholic Church just held a week-long conference
0:19:13 > 0:19:17with 30 scientists to discuss the possibility of alien life.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20The questions this throws up.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23What happens if we find these extra-terrestrials
0:19:23 > 0:19:27and they are to be saved but they're also really delicious?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33That's what we're all thinking!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36"You want to know about their planet, their culture?"
0:19:36 > 0:19:38"No, I wanna know what they taste like.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40"They might taste like cows."
0:19:40 > 0:19:47Cows that are hanging out on the moon, I think we should eat them.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52So if there are cows on the moon, we are allowed to eat them.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54What a fantastic story.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I'd love to see a priest and an alien having a chinwag.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00"So, there's this guy called God. Why are you laughing?"
0:20:00 > 0:20:03"In our language, God means winky-bum-face!"
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Jesus in Glastonbury, astro-Catholics, can it get any weirder?
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Yes, it can. An Italian monk has quit his heavy-metal band.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19Brother Metal, or Cesare Bonizzi, fears the Devil has made fame
0:20:19 > 0:20:24go to his head, and so he is hanging up his microphone for good.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26What a shame, I'd loved to have seen him give Mass.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31"Now hymn 356, Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter."
0:20:31 > 0:20:34How mad is this? A monk that is into heavy metal -
0:20:34 > 0:20:37that's like finding out Clarkson has a wind-farm
0:20:37 > 0:20:40or that Lady Gaga doesn't have a penis.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Mad... It must have been so weird for him. Cos by day...
0:20:50 > 0:20:52And by night...
0:20:52 > 0:20:54HE WAILS EERILY
0:20:57 > 0:21:00You don't want to take his Bible!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Do you want to know why they quit? Look at this.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06- TRANSLATION: - The Devil has separated me from my managers, risked breaking me up
0:21:06 > 0:21:09with my band members, and even come between me and my fellow monks.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11A monk argument.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13How much would you love to see that?
0:21:13 > 0:21:17SINGS PLAINSONG: # What time do you call this, Brother Cesare?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19# This heavy metal has to stop.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21# Kiss my balls, brother Paolo!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24# I've just come from a sell-out gig where everyone loved me
0:21:24 > 0:21:26# And now I'm sleeping on a bed of stone! #
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Why would you give that life up?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32The crowd-surfing, the head-banging, the groupies?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35How gutted will he be if there's no God?
0:21:35 > 0:21:36# You fucking what?
0:21:36 > 0:21:41# Do you know how many emos I could have banged?
0:21:41 > 0:21:46# I could have had more Goth clunge than Marilyn Manson! #
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Now, this is a headline.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57"Why the long face?"
0:21:57 > 0:21:59"I comfort eat."
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Just putting their hooves in jam.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07"Jam makes the pain go!
0:22:07 > 0:22:10"Jam makes the pain go!"
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Do you think fat horses get bullied?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14"Look under his saddle... Muffin top!"
0:22:14 > 0:22:16"I'm big-boned!"
0:22:18 > 0:22:21We're obsessed with feeding animals in this country, especially dogs.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Some of them are so fat they try to eat tennis balls.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32Certain animals are being overfed, others are being psychologically damaged. Look at this.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35You've never seen dogs look so bored.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39OWNER: Guys, what are you doing?
0:22:39 > 0:22:40'Nothing.'
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Showing off your Halloween costumes?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43'No.'
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Pixie, are you Princess Leia?
0:22:45 > 0:22:46'No, I'm a dog.'
0:22:46 > 0:22:49And are you Darth Vader?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49'I'm a dog, dickhead.'
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Where's your light sabre?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Are you not amused?
0:22:53 > 0:22:54'No.'
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Don't get mad at me, Mommy bought the costumes.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00'Mommy's shagging the neighbour.'
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Dressing them up is nothing compared to this.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12This is absolutely mental, isn't it?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14And it's really going to change that famous song.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17# How much is that doggie in the window?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20# The one with the big double Ds?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23# How much is that doggie in the window?
0:23:23 > 0:23:27# She'd knock herself out with a sneeze! #
0:23:27 > 0:23:30You can't give a dog a boob job, they're constantly horny as it is.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36No! No!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56She is NEVER going to Crufts.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01# Whatever. #
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Now, we all admire dance, and when it's done well, it can look angelic.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15The trouble with clips like this is that it makes you think,
0:24:15 > 0:24:16"I could do that."
0:24:16 > 0:24:18MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:29 > 0:24:31She wasn't the only one, look at this.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Injured watching telly?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Good job they didn't see this!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Imagine that, going around your granddad's.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50"Jesus, Granddad, that's a bruise, what happened?"
0:24:50 > 0:24:52"You don't want to bloody know, Russ.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55"That's the last time I go to Longleat."
0:24:57 > 0:25:02Did you see this? They've invented an underwater phone.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07I tell you what, Finding Nemo would have been over in minutes.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10"Nemo. Where are you?"
0:25:10 > 0:25:13"I'm over by the rocks."
0:25:13 > 0:25:16If I had an underwater phone, I'd definitely have this ringtone.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18THEME FROM "Jaws" PLAYS
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Nicolas Cage turned on the Christmas lights in Bath this week.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33Five, four, three, two, one, go!
0:25:33 > 0:25:36CHEERING
0:25:36 > 0:25:41I didn't go. I felt a little bit upset, because they actually promised it to me.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43This is genuinely true, this is the letter.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50I was like, "I'd love to!"
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I was really looking forward to it, and then I saw it on telly.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55I was like, "Oh, no."
0:25:55 > 0:25:57AUDIENCE: "Awww!"
0:25:57 > 0:25:58All my family took the piss.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01"Here, Russ, in the flesh, you look just like Nicolas Cage!"
0:26:04 > 0:26:08I got my own back, I picked up a prestigious late booking.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Three, two, one...
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Merry Christmas!
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Who are you?!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Yeah!
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Get out of my house!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Merry Christmas!
0:26:18 > 0:26:19# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer... #
0:26:19 > 0:26:25To be honest, the best Christmas lights story was this heart-warming tale from Portishead.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30One town near Bristol has opted for a different kind of hero to help deliver its festive cheer.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Ready for Christmas at all?
0:26:31 > 0:26:35His name is Nigel, he works in a DIY store.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38And he's become the biggest star in town,
0:26:38 > 0:26:40simply by being nice.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44That's a fine spruce you have there. It's a fine spruce!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Any nice plans for the following week at all?
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Very cold this morning, very cold this morning.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53It's lovely to see a shop assistant that smiles,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56is helpful and is really pleased to see you and serve you.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59The queue is 30 miles long because he's talking all the time!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I wish everybody was like that in the shops.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Are you ever miserable? >
0:27:04 > 0:27:06No, amazingly, there's never a day...
0:27:06 > 0:27:08It's just myself as a person,
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I never seem to be miserable, not even at work.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14I come each day, excitement, because every day is different, I suppose.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16You're SO nice! >
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Well, thank you.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18None of this celebrity business.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20No, we want Nigel.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- Well done, Nigel. Congratulations. - Thank you very much.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28So the man who never wanted fame gets mobbed on the High Street,
0:27:28 > 0:27:34but Nigel says his only wish is to brighten up life on the checkout.
0:27:34 > 0:27:39Five, four, three, two, one, yeah!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Well done, Nigel!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46How lovely is that?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48I hope you enjoyed the show, see you later!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50APPLAUSE
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Subtitles by Red Bee Media
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Email Subtitling@bbc.co.uk