0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Welcome!
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Hello and welcome to a special Good News
0:00:30 > 0:00:32featuring my favourite bits from this series.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33So, what's been happening?
0:00:33 > 0:00:36I'll tell you what, Spanish is a tricky language.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Por favor, un poco de respeto. No...
0:00:39 > 0:00:42LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Over on Breakfast, Bill Turnbull dropped the daintiest fart ever.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49..whatever language that they would have arrested him in.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51HE FARTS QUIETLY
0:00:56 > 0:01:00BBC Look North interviewed the most wonderful and terrifying granny ever.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I will be very proud of them.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05But if they let their body hang out and their stomach
0:01:05 > 0:01:08and their shoulders, I shall throw them in the river.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And finally, oh, check out this genius.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14You know I love the tuba.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17It's one of my favourite instruments. Listen to this.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21WHITE NOISE
0:01:22 > 0:01:25LAUGHTER
0:01:25 > 0:01:28He lost his mic down the...down the tuba!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33APPLAUSE
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Um...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:44What a BRASS hole!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:53The big health news was the junior doctors marching in Westminster.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Junior doctors came in their thousands,
0:01:55 > 0:02:00furious over threats by the Government to impose a new contract.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- THEY CHANT:- Save our NHS!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05The fear that their pay will be cut
0:02:05 > 0:02:08and they'll be forced to work longer hours, putting patients at risk.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I'm not surprised junior doctors are pissed off.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12They're amazing, selfless human beings.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15That work ridiculous hours saving lives,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17and what do they get for their trouble?
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Less than 23 grand.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21And what pisses me off even more, earlier this year,
0:02:21 > 0:02:26MPs got a 10% pay rise to 74 grand.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Why are THEY being rewarded?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Especially when our bellend of a Health Secretary
0:02:31 > 0:02:32says stuff like this.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37They already do!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40No-one has ever gone to A&E on a Sunday...
0:02:40 > 0:02:43"Oh, I'm having a heart attack!"
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Some caretaker - "Er, can you come back Monday?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49"They've all gone paintballing."
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I'll tell you what else pisses me off, the papers,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56their shrieking headlines constantly demonising the NHS.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58"Doctors Earn 100 Grand A Year",
0:02:58 > 0:03:01"A Nurse Ate My Baby",
0:03:01 > 0:03:03"Surgeons Replaced My Feet With Coconuts
0:03:03 > 0:03:05"And Now I Sound Like A Horse".
0:03:05 > 0:03:07The NHS... LAUGHTER
0:03:07 > 0:03:10The NHS is an amazing thing.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13You never read about the good things it does - liver transplant, free,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16heart bypass, free. Nothing's free in this country.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20It costs you 20p if you want to have a shit in a train station.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24The NHS is wonderful. I mean, who else...?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26CHEERING
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Who else...?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30APPLAUSE
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Who else but the NHS would provide this service?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44For free! For free!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Not only are they saving lives,
0:03:49 > 0:03:53they're also helping out a woman who decided to play Jurassic Pork.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59And what makes Jeremy Hunt's comments even more galling
0:03:59 > 0:04:00is stories like this.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11If I was a doctor, I'd have some fun.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15I'd give them VIP services - comfy sofa, bit of anaesthetic,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17get them all blissed out before their operation and then...
0:04:17 > 0:04:19just as they're dozing off,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I'd dress up as Harold Shipman.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26"Nobody will hear your screams!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29"Oi, Dave, pass me that dinosaur.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"You're going home, Mega Sore-Arse."
0:04:34 > 0:04:37HE HUMS JURASSIC PARK THEME
0:04:41 > 0:04:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Next up, let's have a bit of joy.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Did you hear about George Clooney?
0:04:47 > 0:04:52George Clooney has travelled halfway round the world for a sandwich.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Yes, he did.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58He visited a cafe which supports homeless people.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Did you see the effect he had on women?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I got a selfie with George Clooney!
0:05:03 > 0:05:05He's so handsome.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I love George.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08"I love George!"
0:05:09 > 0:05:12He even made one lady melt.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Hi, how are you doing? - Hi, George.- Are you guys cold?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Your hands are freezing.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- It's lovely to meet you. - Hi, how are you?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Hi! Ah!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:05:23 > 0:05:25"Hi, hi, ah, ah..."
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Did you see her later? I've never seen a woman this giddy.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Oh, it was amazing.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I was trying to get a photo of him and he actually came up to me
0:05:35 > 0:05:36after I got the photo.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39He shook my hand and says, "Hello, is it really cold here?"
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I says, "Yes, it's really cold."
0:05:42 > 0:05:44SCOTTISH ACCENT: I says, "I've got frostbite
0:05:44 > 0:05:47"but I've never been happier in my life!"
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Did you hear the news about bacon?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54The World Health Organization is now warning
0:05:54 > 0:05:57that the equivalent of less than two slices of bacon a day
0:05:57 > 0:06:02can boost your chances of developing one form of cancer by nearly 20%.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Bacon, ham and hot dogs...- Cancer.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- Bacon, ham, sausage...- Cancer.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- Hot dogs, bacon and sausages... - Cancer.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Hot dogs, bacon, ham...- Cancer.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- Bacon and...- Cancer.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14- Bacon...- Cancer.- Bacon...- Cancer.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- Bacon...- Cancer.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18But we like bacon!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Yes, we do!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28We like bacon!
0:06:28 > 0:06:32We love bacon, and bacon sandwich is one of the greatest things
0:06:32 > 0:06:35in the world and now it gives you cancer?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39It's like finding out Stephen Fry drowns puppies.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Do you know the worst thing? Did you see the way Sky News covered it?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47They went to a cafe and tried to scare the shit out of people.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Bacon, sausage, beans, fried egg...
0:06:51 > 0:06:54According to the World Health Organization,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57you may as well have a big pile of asbestos on that plate.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"You're going to die!"
0:07:00 > 0:07:02He tried it again later. Didn't really work.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Processed sausage, bacon, potentially cancer-causing.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07How's your breakfast?
0:07:07 > 0:07:08It's lovely.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Drubbing, mate.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:14 > 0:07:15I'm with him.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17People in this country are going to struggle to give up bacon -
0:07:17 > 0:07:19we really, really love it.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Listen to this 999 call - this isn't made up.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24This is a genuine call to the police.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Only in this country!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Next up, check out what kids in Australia are doing.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Children as young as three could learn cage fighting
0:08:11 > 0:08:14in a new UFC gym to be built in Richmond.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19Cage fighting toddlers! How terrifying would that playground be?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21# Row, row, row your boat
0:08:21 > 0:08:22# Gently down the stream
0:08:22 > 0:08:24# I'll chase you down and fuck you up
0:08:24 > 0:08:26# And cut you till you scream. #
0:08:27 > 0:08:30It's such a...
0:08:30 > 0:08:34ridiculous story. You can't get children to fight.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38You put a three-year-old in a cage - he'll pretend to be a chicken.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42What does the Aussie version of CBeebies look like?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Hello. - ALL: Hi, Peppa.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Sorry I'm late, I was at my self-defence class.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51ALL: Ooh!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- What did you learn, Peppa? - I'll show you.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57SCREAMING
0:08:57 > 0:09:01I'm jumping in a bloody puddle!
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Peppa, you never returned my calls.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Come here, little piggy.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Did you read about the tampon tax?
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Yep, women still have to pay 5% VAT on tampons
0:09:25 > 0:09:27cos they're considered a luxury.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29They're tampons!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31They're not Ferrero Rocher!
0:09:33 > 0:09:37I've never seen a woman in Tesco - "Oh, my God, look at them all!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"They're so sumptuous!"
0:09:41 > 0:09:47No woman has ever inserted one and gone, "Oh, I am spoiling myself.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49"OOh!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51"I feel so decadent!"
0:09:51 > 0:09:53It's ridiculous.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57They're not aspirational. You don't see Beyonce bragging about them.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00# If you like me you should have got me one with wings on it
0:10:00 > 0:10:02# If you like me you should have got me one with wings on it
0:10:02 > 0:10:04# Oh-oh-oh... #
0:10:04 > 0:10:08"Oh, Jay, I got stomach cramps. Get me a hot water bottle."
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I think this lady's gentle sign puts it best.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Have you seen how we're dealing with lonely pensioners?
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Next tonight, a novel way to help lonely Londoners - chickens.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Researchers say that caring for a feathered friend can help tackle
0:10:30 > 0:10:34social isolation among the elderly and improve their wellbeing.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Whose idea was that?!
0:10:36 > 0:10:41Some crazy farmer - "You're lonely! Have a chicken!
0:10:41 > 0:10:44"You've got depression. What you need is a badger!
0:10:44 > 0:10:48" # Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I... #
0:10:48 > 0:10:50"Come on, girls, stroke your badgers."
0:10:50 > 0:10:55Actually... DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:10:59 > 0:11:01The point I'm making...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03The point I'm making - it's ridiculous!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Check out this lady's brilliant response.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07What did you think when they said
0:11:07 > 0:11:09you were going to have chickens in here?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I thought, "Oh, well, whatever turns 'em on."
0:11:14 > 0:11:17How amazing is she? "Whatever turns 'em on.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18"Gotta go, I'm off down Nando's."
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Elsewhere this week, huge, ground-breaking news.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Life in this country is about to change. Are you ready?
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Here we go.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Now, it's been a tradition for toddlers and grandparents for years
0:11:31 > 0:11:35but now we're being told to stop throwing bread to ducks.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37According to the Canal & River Trust,
0:11:37 > 0:11:41feeding ducks bread actually does them more harm than good.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45It's the equivalent of their junk food.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46LAUGHTER
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Bread is their junk food?! As if they care!
0:11:49 > 0:11:53They're ducks, they're not body conscious!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I've never seen a duck get out the water like this -
0:11:56 > 0:11:58"N-n-no, look away!
0:11:58 > 0:12:02"Eh! Bloody...move your eyes away, Barry!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"Stop looking at me!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07"I'm not pond-body ready, come on!"
0:12:09 > 0:12:13The other ducks are like that, "Jesus, look at Barbara.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15"It's a miracle she can float!"
0:12:18 > 0:12:23"You know what they say - if you've had some cake, stay off the lake."
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jess Thom!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:37 > 0:12:38- Pleasure to meet you, Jess.- Hello.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- How are you?- Happy birthday. Fuck a sheep.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- Er...thank you and no thank you. - Ta-da!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Is there anything you wouldn't eat? I'm intrigued.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Yes.- What?- Oh, gosh.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53If you fry me an egg
0:12:53 > 0:12:56and if you don't baste it with hot oil or flip it over
0:12:56 > 0:12:59so it's over-easy, if you leave some of that white runny around the edge
0:12:59 > 0:13:02of the yolk, I am not touching it. Am I right?
0:13:02 > 0:13:03- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Wow. I would never mess up eggs. I'm the king of eggs.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10- So you will you baste it for me? - No, I'll scramble those bastards up.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13What I'll do...scramble them, bit of goats' butter, bit of pepper...
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- Bit of goats' butter?- Yeah. - You're talking my language.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- Have you ever made goats' butter? - No.- I have.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23I've milked a goat, taken the cream off the top of the milk
0:13:23 > 0:13:26and turned it into butter. And here you are talking about goats' butter.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- Yeah.- Lovely.- It is lovely.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- Brothers.- Yeah.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- But yours is... - My goat butter brother.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35I'm a goat butter brother from another mother.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40He's good, he's good.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Do you want to tell everyone about your website?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Biscuit. Hedgehog, biscuit. Yeah, so it's Touretteshero. Biscuit.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Touretteshero.com. Biscuit. And on it I write every day,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50so I write a daily blog. Biscuit.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54And that's been a really amazing way to share the things that I've said
0:13:54 > 0:13:56as vocal ticks. Biscuit.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Almost 6,000 real Tourettes ticks,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03We invite other people to come and use them for their own creativity.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- Biscuit.- I've got some of my favourites here.- Hedgehog. Cat.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11- Ta-da! Rattlesnake! - That's not on here.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- Tattle-tale sheep.- Neither. - Jeremy Hunt hedgehog.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I'll have a look - nope.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19The...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21What's your PIN number? Sh!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:27 > 0:14:30I made this box today on my boat. Just for you.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I didn't grow the tree but I cut the wood and bought the wood and I...
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Look at that, that's really sweet.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37It says "Russell's box of shite."
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Everyone needs a box of shite.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44And the "i" is me.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46How lovely.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48HE GASPS Gwyneth Paltrow's head!
0:14:50 > 0:14:51These are the ones I like.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55"God's moving to Watford on Sunday." I enjoyed that.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"Listen to your inner duck." We don't do that!
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- Duck!- "Carrier bag, your career is over." That's excellent.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05"The lamppost is impersonating Hitler AGAIN."
0:15:05 > 0:15:07"There are two dolphins working in a post office
0:15:07 > 0:15:10"a little north of Winchester." I like that.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14And my personal favourite - "I fucked a Furby in 1994."
0:15:14 > 0:15:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Is there anything that does scare you in life?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25You know what, I am not too keen on the ground,
0:15:25 > 0:15:27cos in the sky I have no fear
0:15:27 > 0:15:33but on the ground I am not too keen of animals with too many legs.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Or animals with not enough legs.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41HE LAUGHS
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Oh! Who would have thought... This is what I'm getting at,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48so the only thing I would have to do to put you off from your majestic art
0:15:48 > 0:15:52is to fly a helicopter near you and throw a centipede at you?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55You have a weird mind.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58How have I got a weird mind?
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Just imagine a slow-motion one of these wanging you across the face.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- Throw it, throw it. Go on. Just throw it.- No, I can't.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13- Properly do it.- Oh, no! What if... Oh, I'm going to miss.- Go on.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Oh!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:20 > 0:16:22This is all right, isn't it?
0:16:22 > 0:16:23What a life, eh?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I really like you.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I tell you, if I was a 66-year-old lady,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30you and me would be going at it.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Was that a question?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44MORE LAUGHTER
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- It's true.- Why are you smiling?
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Cos I'm just imaging me as a 66-year-old woman!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I cannot wait.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:56 > 0:17:00That was so wonderful. Thank you so much for coming on, my friend.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Have a look at how a priest in America explained gay sex
0:17:03 > 0:17:05to some children.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Now...
0:17:18 > 0:17:20I'm no expert...
0:17:20 > 0:17:22but I think he's doing it wrong.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26It's ridiculous!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29You don't have to spit on a bagel to get it in your ear.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33SHOCKED LAUGHTER
0:17:37 > 0:17:40There was a lovely slow burn on that joke.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Which is exactly what you get if you don't spit.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46What? What? What?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Not that I'm against all Catholics. Now, you're not going to believe this
0:17:51 > 0:17:54but I've actually got a world exclusive.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57I'm going to interview the Pope. And I'm told...
0:17:57 > 0:18:01I'm told we're going to go through to him live now.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Hello, Holy Father? Such an honour to speak with you.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08So, America, how was your trip?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11What did you learn most about...?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14May I ask of you to sing a song for me?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I can do. Um...
0:18:18 > 0:18:20What song do you want me to sing?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Valerie.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25You want me to sing Valerie?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27OK...
0:18:27 > 0:18:31# Sometimes I go out by myself
0:18:31 > 0:18:34# And I look across the water. #
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Go on, go on!
0:18:36 > 0:18:40# And I think of all the things that you do
0:18:40 > 0:18:44# And in my head I paint a picture!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46# Won't you come on over
0:18:46 > 0:18:49# Stop making a fool out of me
0:18:49 > 0:18:51# Why won't you come on over... #
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Valerie.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Wahey!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57That was amazing! Did you like that?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Muchos gracias, Alessandra.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02It's Russell.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Can you get a translator?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I can't really understand what you're saying.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09I'll tell you one thing. You're a brave woman.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Since we're having a laugh, did you read about this?
0:19:15 > 0:19:20Oh, oh, yeah!
0:19:21 > 0:19:24It was a joke about... A priest said it was about anal sex.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I wasn't...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Where's he gone? He's gone. What...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34APPLAUSE
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Have a look at this mental story about a dad who wanted
0:19:37 > 0:19:39to discipline his daughter.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43An Okeechobee dad wanted to discipline his 12-year-old daughter
0:19:43 > 0:19:45by paddling her, but he didn't want to break the law,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49so he called a sheriff's deputy to come to his house to supervise.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51What?
0:19:51 > 0:19:55He wanted to hit his kids so he rang the police
0:19:55 > 0:19:56and they watched him do it?!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59How pervy are those coppers?!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01"Am I doing it right, officer?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03"Yeah..."
0:20:05 > 0:20:07"Think your wife needs telling off, too."
0:20:11 > 0:20:14"There's been a murder." "Not now!"
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Over in America, have you been watching the Republican race for the White House?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Wow! It's between Ben Carson - crazy! -
0:20:20 > 0:20:22and Donald Trump - crazy!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25First up, let's meet Carson.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon and Seventh-day Adventist
0:20:27 > 0:20:29who talks openly about his faith...
0:20:29 > 0:20:31He's a Christian.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Humble, principled. He is the anti-Trump.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37So why is he crazy? Well, because he says stuff like this.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- You think being gay is a choice? - Absolutely.- Why do you say that?
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Because a lot of people who go into prison go in to prison straight
0:20:45 > 0:20:47and when they come out, they're gay.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Must have missed that bit in the Shawshank Redemption.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02"I remember the first time I saw Andy."
0:21:07 > 0:21:11"He walked into the prison, tore up a photo of his wife
0:21:11 > 0:21:12"and sucked my balls."
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"They say hope can kill a man.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20"Well, balls can nearly choke him."
0:21:20 > 0:21:24Now, he's not just... Sorry.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26He's not just homophobic,
0:21:26 > 0:21:30did you see what he said about Obama providing health care to poor people?
0:21:30 > 0:21:34Obamacare is, really, I think,
0:21:34 > 0:21:38the worst thing that has happened in this nation
0:21:38 > 0:21:40since slavery.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45The worst thing since...
0:21:45 > 0:21:489/11? Vietnam?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Honey Boo-Boo?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:21:55 > 0:21:57What a dick, though. Mind you, what I say
0:21:57 > 0:21:59is nothing compared to this guy.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Mr Long-legged Mack Daddy.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Yes, that's right, my friends.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Pastor Manning is back. So, is he a fan of Ben Carson?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I can't really figure it out!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Ben Carson is a demon!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Right.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17So that's a no.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22He is a lunatic, look what he said about Carson supporters.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24And everybody who supports him
0:22:24 > 0:22:29are closeted sodomites, fags, lesbos, buttlickers.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Buttlickers?
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Whatever turns him on.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44So, that's Carson. Let's meet the front runner, Donald Trump.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47A man with all the charm of a turd that won't flush.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I want surveillance of certain mosques, OK?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53It has not been easy for me.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54I started off in Brooklyn,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56my father gave me a small loan of 1 million.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00The Ku Klux Klan leader has described Trump as...
0:23:00 > 0:23:04You've called women you don't like fat pigs, dogs,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07slobs and disgusting animals.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Who cares?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13How is he in the lead? Mind you, you think that's bad,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15look at what he said about his own daughter.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19I've said that if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Stop it, it's so weird!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25And when he's not trying to bone his kids,
0:23:25 > 0:23:29all he keeps banging on about is building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33We will have a wall, the wall will be built,
0:23:33 > 0:23:35the wall will be successful,
0:23:35 > 0:23:39and if you think walls don't work all you have to do is ask Israel.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Oh, yeah, yeah! It's really peaceful over there!
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Walls work - not if you ask Palestinians,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47you hamster-haired bellend.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51He's such a tit, look what else he said about Mexicans.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55He called Mexican migrants who came to the US rapists and murderers.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58He even had a pop at kids saying that children of Mexican immigrants
0:23:58 > 0:23:59weren't real American citizens,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02and how did one activist group respond?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05It was hugely controversial but I have to show you.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Hola, Donald Trump, screaming "Get out of my country."
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- Republicans use offensive words. - So here's a few of our own.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- BLEEP- you, racist- BLEEP.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17APPLAUSE
0:24:18 > 0:24:23This next story is guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Urghhh!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Every man you tell reacts in the same way to this story.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- Ah!- Oh!- Ah!- Ahh! Ohh! Aah!
0:24:41 > 0:24:42HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Did you hear about the plans for school photos?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51A school photographer in West Sussex has outraged parents
0:24:51 > 0:24:53by offering to airbrush their children's pictures.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58Airbrush school photos! I would have loved that in my day. Look at this!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Don't applaud, I look like Harry Potter's German pen-pal.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08That photo is all over the internet.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10It's even been turned into a meme.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I didn't write this joke. Look what they've done.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Ha-ha-ha, funny.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29Check out what this amazing man in America did to a bear.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34Only on CBS 13 tonight, a story like one you've probably never heard.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38A Foothills man came face-to-face with a bear outside his home.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41He didn't run, he didn't call Fish and Game,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44instead he wound up and he punched the bear in the face.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47He came up and he turned, boom!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I hit him hard.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53He punched a bear in the face!
0:25:53 > 0:25:58Not only is he hard as nails, he is also every single shade of crazy.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Carl Moore is not a guy who scares easily.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06The man or beast that I run from ain't been born
0:26:06 > 0:26:08and its momma's already dead.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11That just doesn't make any sense!
0:26:11 > 0:26:15"The beast that I run from hasn't been born,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18"his momma's dead, and his cousin's got a verruca."
0:26:20 > 0:26:23"No, I will not put my tiny dog down!"
0:26:24 > 0:26:29I love - I LOVE - what he reckons the bear did to provoke the fight.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33I raised both hands in the air and I cussed at him!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- "Ya, get out of here, you- BLEEP!"
0:26:36 > 0:26:40He looked at me like "Go F yourself."
0:26:42 > 0:26:44I don't want to say this man likes a drink,
0:26:44 > 0:26:48but he is claiming on national TV
0:26:48 > 0:26:51that a bear told him to fuck off.
0:26:52 > 0:26:58"You should have seen him. He was outside the window like that.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59"Looking me straight in the eye!"
0:26:59 > 0:27:02He is the scariest man in the world.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I mean, how terrified does his dog look?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08"Help me, man!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11"He hasn't put me down for five years!
0:27:11 > 0:27:15"I sent word to the bears to get me out
0:27:15 > 0:27:18"but he punched one of them in the face!"
0:27:20 > 0:27:24"Last week, he dressed me up in his ex-wife's clothes."
0:27:31 > 0:27:35"The other day, I shouldn't be telling you this,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38"but the other day he smeared his balls in peanut butter."
0:27:41 > 0:27:44"Now, I hate balls...
0:27:44 > 0:27:46"but I love peanut butter!"
0:27:48 > 0:27:50"He played me like a fool!"
0:27:53 > 0:27:55APPLAUSE
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Did you see what the Government want firemen to do?
0:28:03 > 0:28:04What?
0:28:04 > 0:28:07This therapy is really helping.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Ever since I lost Mum...
0:28:14 > 0:28:17..my life's spiralled out of control.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Do you know the best thing about that sketch?
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Look at the professional way that I reacted.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Oh...!
0:28:27 > 0:28:29BLEEP!
0:28:33 > 0:28:36And I am awake! Shit the bed!
0:28:39 > 0:28:41That is so cold.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43So, there you go, that's all, folks.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Thank you so much for watching the series, it's been a hoot.
0:28:46 > 0:28:47Until we meet each other again, my friends,
0:28:47 > 0:28:50farewell, goodnight, Merry Christmas!
0:28:50 > 0:28:52APPLAUSE