0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:32Thank you. Thank you! Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34So what's been happening? Here's a tip -
0:00:34 > 0:00:38if you want to undermine someone on the news, just loosen their chair...
0:00:38 > 0:00:41HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Over on Look East, Stewart revealed he's not a fan of boob jobs...
0:00:51 > 0:00:53They do look great, but when you look at them,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56you can't resist the thought that, eventually, they're going to fall off.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Is it me, or does someone need to teach this guy to blow his nose?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03HE HONKS
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And finally, over on Good Morning Britain,
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Ben and Susanna's sex party went down an absolute storm...
0:01:13 > 0:01:14How are you feeling?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Well, my legs are a little sore
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- but my spirits are boosted.- Yes.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22- What an extraordinary experience. - Well done to everyone who took part.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26What a night!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32So, what's been going on?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Well, the big news was the Chinese State visit.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37It's been the final day of the State visit to the UK
0:01:37 > 0:01:39of China's President Xi Jinping...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41..hailed by Mr Cameron as the start
0:01:41 > 0:01:43of a golden era for trade and investment relations...
0:01:43 > 0:01:47..despite persistent criticism of China's record on human rights.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Supporters of President Xi tried to make sure
0:01:50 > 0:01:52his eyes were shielded from protest.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55This is England, not bloody China.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Now, some people say Chinese supporters were bussed in
0:01:59 > 0:02:01and told what to do, but come on!
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Listen to this guy - he's clearly thinking for himself.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Can I ask you why you've chosen to stand in front of a demonstration
0:02:08 > 0:02:11against the human rights abuses in China?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Um...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Mind you, blocking protesters is nothing.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Look what they did last year.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35That is a tough job!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37No...
0:02:37 > 0:02:39No...
0:02:39 > 0:02:40No!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Surely, after 5,000, you'd be like,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46"I don't think there's any in here!"
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Bizarrely, it wasn't just the Chinese government
0:02:49 > 0:02:51trying to suppress the protests.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Look who else got involved in the cover-up.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56The Queen even made sure President Xi was on the right side
0:02:56 > 0:02:58of the carriage to miss the demonstrators outside.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02AS THE QUEEN: Ignore them.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05If I had a penny for every time somebody had a pop at me...
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Oh, I do!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13So the Queen might have pandered to the Chinese government,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15but I bet you our Prime Minister didn't buckle!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I bet you Cameron grilled the Chinese for hours
0:03:18 > 0:03:21over their atrocious human rights record!
0:03:21 > 0:03:24David Cameron's taken the Chinese President Xi Jinping
0:03:24 > 0:03:25to his local pub.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30AS CAMERON: Forget human rights, let's get wankered!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33AS HIMSELF: It's a good job they didn't stay for the pub quiz.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36"Which country sentences more of its own people to death than any other?"
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Chinese President's like that - "I know that! It's me, it's me."
0:03:40 > 0:03:44So, did the locals treat Dave with respect?
0:03:44 > 0:03:45What do you think?!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48It wasn't long before the locals got in on the act,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51one cheeky regular reminding the Prime Minister
0:03:51 > 0:03:54this was the pub where he left his daughter behind.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Ah... I bet they didn't stop there.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Oi, Dave! Dave! HE GRUNTS LIKE A PIG
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Fancy a pork scratching? Na-ah-ah!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Your dick smells like Frazzles, mate.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Mind you, we're not the only ones taking the piss.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Did you see what the Chinese media have been saying about us?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Well, that is absolute nonsense!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Mind you, you can see why they said this.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Sky News were obsessed with the President eating chips.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Last night, we saw President Xi try fish and chips for the first time.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Other channels asked tough questions.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Not Kay Burley. She did an interview with a random chip shop.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45This may be the most pointless bit of news ever.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49So, what sort of fish is the best fish to use with fish and chips
0:04:49 > 0:04:52and, indeed, what sort of potatoes are the best potatoes to use?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Human rights is clearly a problem in China...
0:04:54 > 0:04:57When you said "mostly Maris Piper",
0:04:57 > 0:04:59are there other potatoes that you use as well?
0:04:59 > 0:05:03China is getting very, very close to the heart of State security...
0:05:03 > 0:05:06OK. We have to talk about the sides, of course.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Mushy peas? Gravy?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11From a security point of view, are we wise to cosy up to China...
0:05:11 > 0:05:15It used to be old newspaper that you would wrap the chips up in.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18You can't do that any more. Do you think that makes any difference?
0:05:18 > 0:05:22..deliberate conspiracy by Chinese to flood the British market
0:05:22 > 0:05:23with cheap steel...
0:05:23 > 0:05:27What about that trendy new fish, pollock? Do you use that as well?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29No.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34That report...
0:05:36 > 0:05:39That report went on for ten minutes.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41The BBC did it in ten seconds.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- Do the Chinese really like fish and chips?- Not really.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Now, away from Chipgate, the new Bond film is out.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51The new James Bond blockbuster, Spectre,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54was given the royal seal of approval at its world premiere in London.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Forget the premiere - did you hear about this?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05That is DISGUSTING!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08You would NEVER see me do this.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10But then I'm too busy juicing
0:06:10 > 0:06:12with the new Fruitbuster 520!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Every sip tastes like heaven!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Mmm!
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Wonderful!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Product placement is wrong.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23You're selling your artistic soul for money,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25and that is outrageous.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Almost as outrageous as the low, low prices at Luigi's Pasta Palace!
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- Right, Luigi?- And it tastes like Mama used to make!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Not that it was the most amazing news.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Did you see who Daniel Craig wants to be the new Bond?
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Wow!
0:06:44 > 0:06:48AS JOHNSON: The name's Johnson. Boris Johnson
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I'll have a Martini - befuddled but not discombobulated.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Boris as Bond! Now, that would be amazing!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57MUSIC: James Bond Theme
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Heave!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Can you get me a rope?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Who wouldn't want to see that?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Not that...
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Not that it was the only film to make the news this week.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38It is bigger than Bond and hotter than Potter and today,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40fans of Star Wars have been given
0:07:40 > 0:07:43their final teasing glimpse of the new film.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45The new Star Wars trailer went online,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47and people went bat-shit!
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Some made weird noises...
0:07:48 > 0:07:49HE GASPS
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Some went full Wookiee...
0:07:52 > 0:07:54HE ROARS
0:07:54 > 0:07:56And one guy REALLY enjoyed it.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Is it awkward that I have a boner right now?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02It is a bit.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Not that everyone was happy with the trailer.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Did you read about this?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13What?!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15You can't have a black character in Star Wars?!
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Lando Calrissian?
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Mace Windu?
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Darth Vader?!
0:08:24 > 0:08:26It's so ridiculous!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"I don't mind a talking robot or a 7ft guinea pig
0:08:29 > 0:08:31"or a massive slug,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34"but I think a black man in space is a bit far-fetched!"
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I mean, look what this idiot wrote.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Stormtroopers aren't real, you racist prick!
0:08:47 > 0:08:52Your daughter is never going to shag a stormtrooper.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Same way she's probably not going to have a gangbang with this guy.
0:08:58 > 0:09:04It's so moronic. Boycotting a film because of racism is unbelievable,
0:09:04 > 0:09:08almost as unbelievable as the cost of a family ticket to World of Otters.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10It's fun for all the family.
0:09:10 > 0:09:16So, come on down. It's OTTER-ly brilliant!
0:09:16 > 0:09:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Elsewhere this week, oh, my God, this is crazy.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Have you seen how we're dealing with lonely pensioners?
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Next tonight, a novel way to help lonely Londoners - chickens.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Researchers say that caring for a feathered friend
0:09:33 > 0:09:35can help tackle social isolation
0:09:35 > 0:09:37among the elderly and improve their wellbeing.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42Whose idea was that?! Some crazy farmer?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45"You're lonely. Have a chicken.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48"You've got depression? What you need is a badger."
0:09:48 > 0:09:50# Old Macdonald had a farm
0:09:50 > 0:09:52# E-I... #
0:09:52 > 0:09:55"Come on, girls, stroke your badgers."
0:09:55 > 0:09:57That sounds terrible. No, no.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I didn't mean that, I didn't mean that.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03The point... APPLAUSE
0:10:03 > 0:10:05The point I'm making...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08The point I'm making - it's ridiculous.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Check out this lady's brilliant response.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12What did you think when they said you were going to suddenly
0:10:12 > 0:10:14going to have chickens in here?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I thought, "Oh, well. Whatever turns them on."
0:10:16 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:18 > 0:10:21How amazing is she?! "Whatever turns them on.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23"Got to go, I'm off down Nandos."
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Not that it's my favourite pensioner reaction to an animal.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Wow, my friends, wow.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Check out what this amazing man in America did to a bear.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39Only on CBS 13 tonight, a story like one you've probably never heard.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43A Foothills man came face-to-face with a bear outside his home.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45He didn't run, he didn't call Fish and Game,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48instead, he wound up and he punched the bear in the face.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52He came up like this and he turned. Boom!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54I hit him hard.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59He punched a bear in the face.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01We've got a picture of the beast that he dropped.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Now not only is he hard as nails,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10he is also every single shade of crazy.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Carl Moore is not a guy who scares easily.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17The man or best that I run from ain't been born,
0:11:17 > 0:11:19and its mama is already dead.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I mean, that just doesn't make any sense.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27"The beast that I run from hasn't been born.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31"His mama is dead and his cousin has got a verruca.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"No, I will not put my tiny dog down."
0:11:37 > 0:11:41I love... I love what he reckons the bear did to provoke the fight.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45I raised both hands in the air and I cussed at him.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- "Ah, get out, you- BLEEP!"
0:11:48 > 0:11:51He looked at me like, "Go eff yourself."
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I don't want to say this man likes a drink,
0:11:56 > 0:12:00but he is claiming on national TV
0:12:00 > 0:12:02that a bear told him to fuck off.
0:12:04 > 0:12:09"You should have seen him. He was outside the window like that.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11"Looking at me straight in the eyes."
0:12:11 > 0:12:13He is the scariest man in the world.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I mean, how terrified does his dog look?
0:12:15 > 0:12:19"Help me, man.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22"He hasn't put me down for five years.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26"I sent word to the bears to get me out,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28"but he punched one of them in the face.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34"Last week, he dressed me up in his ex-wife's clothes.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46"The other day, I shouldn't be telling you this, but the other day,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48"he smeared his balls in peanut butter.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"Now, I hate balls...
0:12:55 > 0:12:57"..but I love peanut butter.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01"He played me like a fool!"
0:13:04 > 0:13:06APPLAUSE
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Not that everyone is against animals.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Have you seen what they've done in Japan?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Pissed cats.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Well, that is going to change this advert.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26CROAKY: # Like the sweet morning dew
0:13:26 > 0:13:28# I took one look at you
0:13:28 > 0:13:31# And it was plain to see
0:13:31 > 0:13:33# You were my destiny
0:13:33 > 0:13:36# With arms open wide
0:13:36 > 0:13:38# I threw away my pride... #
0:13:38 > 0:13:41MUSIC STOPS
0:13:41 > 0:13:42CAT BURPS
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Tasty little bastard.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- My guest this week is a performer, writer...- Biscuit.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56..and superhero who happens to have Tourette's.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58So there may be some fruity language.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- You may have heard her already, she's wonderful.- Banana. Melon.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04LAUGHTER Have a look at this.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Hi, I'm Jess Thom.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09In 2006, I was diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome. Biscuit.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12A neurological condition that means I make movements and noises
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I can't control, called tics.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18In 2010, I co-founded Touretteshero. Biscuit.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19An organisation that celebrates
0:14:19 > 0:14:22the humour and creativity of the condition.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Our mission... Biscuit. ..is to change the world...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Biscuit. ..one tic at a time.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30There are three things... Biscuit. ..you'll need to know straightaway.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Firstly... Biscuit. ..you are going to hear... Biscuit.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34..the word "Biscuit" a lot. Secondly... Biscuit.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38..much of what I'm about to say will be a surprise to everyone. Biscuit.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Including me. Biscuit.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Finally... Biscuit. ..if I say something funny... Biscuit.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46..you're absolutely allowed to laugh. Biscuit.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49In fact, it would be a bit weird if you don't.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jess Thom.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Thank you very much for coming on the show.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- A pleasure to meet you, Jess. - Hello.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- How are you? - Happy birthday. Fuck a sheep.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Thank you and no thank you.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- So...- Beans.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Ask a question about Alan Hansen. - I will.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Do you want me to ask you a question about Alan Hansen?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- No.- Cos I was going to ask you - what's it like living Tourette's?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20So there's loads of amazing things about living with Tourette's.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Loads of... It gives me access to a spontaneous creativity
0:15:24 > 0:15:26that I probably wouldn't be able to access -
0:15:26 > 0:15:29things that would never normally sit next to each other
0:15:29 > 0:15:32get collided together and create incredible new concepts.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Biscuit. I love peas.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38That's not really an incredible new concept.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Ta-da.- No, but there is... - Masonry bits.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- But there's something so... - A Jedi Knight in dungarees.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Yes. The idea of a Jedi in dungarees.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Jedi!
0:15:51 > 0:15:55That's just arrived. Everyone at home will be imagining Luke Vader...
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Luke Vader? I'm doing it now.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- They'll all be imagining Luke in dungarees.- Biscuits.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Bean curd.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06I've been on your website, which is amazing,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- because actually, we should talk about that...- Ta-da!- Yep.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14BeanCurd.com.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18It isn't BeanCurd.com. But do you want to...?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20TaylorSwiftInYourMother'sMind.com.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER Happy with that. Em...
0:16:23 > 0:16:25APPLAUSE
0:16:25 > 0:16:27I mean, that should be a website.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32The idea of my mum, "I can't get Taylor Swift out of my mind."
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- Do you want to tell everyone about your website?- Biscuit. Hedgehog.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Biscuit. Yeah, sorry. It's Touretteshero. Biscuit.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Touretteshero.com.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42On it I write every day, so I write a daily blog.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46That's been a really amazing way to think about the impact
0:16:46 > 0:16:48that Tourette's has on my daily life.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Biscuit. And we also share the things
0:16:51 > 0:16:54that I've said as vocal tics. Biscuit.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Almost 6,000 real Tourette's tics,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59and we invite other people to come and use them
0:16:59 > 0:17:01for their own creativity. Biscuit.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- I've got some of my favourites here. - Hedgehog! Cat! Ta-da!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- These are...- Rattlesnake. - That's not on here.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Tattletale sheep.- Neither.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Jeremy Hunt hedgehog.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13I'll have a look. No.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Pin. What's your pin number?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20LAUGHTER
0:17:26 > 0:17:27If I were to tell you my pin number...
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- I would tell you mine. - ..you would tell everybody.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Sh!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35We spoke earlier and Jess said, "If anything, don't talk about pin numbers."
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- But you brought it up.- I know.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Alfalfa.- These are the ones I like.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44"God's moving to Watford on Sunday."
0:17:44 > 0:17:45I enjoyed that.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46"Listen to your inner duck."
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- We don't do that often enough. - Duck!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50"Carry a bag, your career is over."
0:17:50 > 0:17:51That's excellent.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54"The lamppost is impersonating Hitler again."
0:17:54 > 0:17:57"There are two dolphins working in a post office
0:17:57 > 0:17:59"a little north of Winchester."
0:17:59 > 0:18:00I like that.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01My personal favourite,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"I fucked a Furby in 1994."
0:18:03 > 0:18:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So it's an absolute sensation.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10But...
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- What I love... What's so wonderful about it is...- Biscuit.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17..that you're sharing yourself with everyone. You're providing such joy.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- But what is interesting, there's a lot of Russell tics.- Russell.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- Yeah.- Russell broke the shower.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- "Russell fell out of a wormhole." - Wormhole!
0:18:29 > 0:18:30"Russell has my periods."
0:18:30 > 0:18:32LAUGHTER
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Russell. Dungarees.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39"Russell gave a spirited performance in bed with my mum."
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Russell.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45And...
0:18:45 > 0:18:48"www.Russell.is.worried.about.his. balls.com ".
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I am.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Check a sheepdog out?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- That might fix it.- Flirty!
0:18:56 > 0:19:01- Flirty? Sorry. - Flirty with a sheepdog.- I'm not!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Stop flirting with Alan Hansen's mind.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Oh, I love you.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Um...your Siri must be exhausted.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Hey, Siri, butter my toast!
0:19:13 > 0:19:19See? That's what I'm getting at. "Oh, God, I'm so tired.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20"Oh, Jess, please!"
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Barn dance with a microwave.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26"I don't know how to make that happen."
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Put a daisy chain in your microwave.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- Why the microwave tonight? - It's a lot of microwave stuff.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35I really have had no traumatic experience with microwaves
0:19:35 > 0:19:37in the last few minutes.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Do you know the Welsh for microwave?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- Ta-da!- No.- Ping!
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- It's popty ping.- Yes!
0:19:46 > 0:19:47- It is.- Very sensible.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51The Welsh for iron - smwddio.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53And jellyfish - wibbly wobbly.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- And tortoise - get faster!- Yes.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58It isn't, but from now on, it has to be.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Oh, look, there goes one of those get-fasters!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Pilates! Cats! Biscuit. I love cats.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07What's been the most joyful and then what's been the most embarrassing?
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Biscuit, hedgehog. Biscuit. The most joyful is that... Biscuit.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14..I find really unusual things... Biscuit.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17..really funny or exciting. Biscuit.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19There's a lamppost that I can see from my bedroom window
0:20:19 > 0:20:23that I have a very strange relationship with. Biscuit.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Biscuit. You know, my bedroom routine goes like most people.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30I brush my teeth, I get into my pyjamas, I get into bed,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I abuse the lamppost until I go to sleep.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- Biscuit.- Until you go to sleep?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Biscuit. I love lampposts.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Lampposts live off the state.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Lampposts...get a job!
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Lampposts!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Don't take that shit from the pigeons. Lampposts.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56It's the idea that your lamppost's saying "I'm not doing anything!"
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Biscuit. But over several years, that ongoing strangeness,
0:20:59 > 0:21:03or relationship with an inanimate object, is funny.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08- Of course it is.- Biscuit, yeah. I find a lot of joy in those things.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10And details. I know... Biscuit.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13..my tics are not things I'm thinking about,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15but are a result of having slightly unusual neurology.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18And that does feel like a gift. Biscuit.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Now, your brain is naturally putting images together
0:21:21 > 0:21:24and creates sort of jokes without even trying.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- Yeah.- So in many ways, you're really annoying.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- Biscuit. - Because you are brilliantly funny
0:21:29 > 0:21:31and you're not even trying.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36Most comedians are like...argh! And you're like, ah, there you go.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38That's a witty thing about a lamppost.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40But as my friends repeatedly tell me,
0:21:40 > 0:21:42I'm not actually that funny.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Well, they're wrong! They are so wrong.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I say something deliberately funny about every six months.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Fortunately for me and for everybody else who's around me,
0:21:51 > 0:21:53my tics have a higher hit rate.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- It must be very difficult for you to keep secrets.- Biscuit.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Yeah, we're coming up to Christmas
0:21:59 > 0:22:01and that's like a very difficult time for me
0:22:01 > 0:22:04because my natural inclination is to be really organised
0:22:04 > 0:22:09and get really thoughtful gifts for the people that I care about.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Biscuit. And my tic's natural reaction
0:22:10 > 0:22:12is to tell them straightaway what I've got them.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Oh, no. That's so annoying, isn't it?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Because you're, "Lovely, lovely, lovely!"
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I bought you a helicopter and a standing ovation.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Now, that is a Christmas present!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Cos that must be awful because you're saying I got you a helicopter
0:22:29 > 0:22:31and a standing ovation and I'm like, "Socks".
0:22:31 > 0:22:36Yes, thankfully people know that... Biscuit.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38..what I say might or might not be true.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40A golden lizard.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Sellotape dispenser.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- What have you got coming up? - Biscuit.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Well, I'm working on an amazing, exciting project
0:22:49 > 0:22:51and also a terrifying project... Biscuit.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54..called Live From Television Centre
0:22:54 > 0:22:57and we are going to be doing our broadcast from Biscuit Land
0:22:57 > 0:22:58on 15 November.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- Biscuit.- 15th of November? - 15th of November on BBC Four.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03As part of a night of live theatre.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06There's going to be a load of really diverse works.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08There's going to be dance, comedy, drama. Biscuit.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11And it's people you wouldn't normally see on screen.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- And it's all going to be live. Biscuit.- I will be watching that.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- Hedgehog.- And I doubt I'll be alone.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- Ladies and gentlemen, how wonderful was that?- Biscuit.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22The fantastic Jess Thom. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Biscuit.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Check out what this couple in America got arrested for.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Tonight we are learning more about two people who had sex
0:23:37 > 0:23:39in the middle of a Norfolk parking lot.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42As the couple told News Channel 3's Gabriela da Luca,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44they were fuelled by alcohol and spontaneity.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46They had sex in a car park.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Whatever turns them on.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53They did an interview, and his response is exceptional.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- Is something like this going to happen again?- No.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59I don't know.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Never say never. She's like, "It's never going to happen again!"
0:24:04 > 0:24:08"Baby, you know I get freaky when I'm in the car park."
0:24:08 > 0:24:12"When I'm parking the Honda, you gon' feel my anaconda.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14LAUGHTER
0:24:20 > 0:24:22APPLAUSE
0:24:25 > 0:24:27One more.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30"If I'm driving the Bentley, I'll tap that shit gently."
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Sorry. Sorry. I know what you're thinking.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I know what you're thinking. They had sex in a car park.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37What kind of car were they in, Russell?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39A Ferrari, a limousine?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Someone nearby snapped these photos of the two
0:24:41 > 0:24:43and we showed the couple today.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45They weren't even in a car!
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Just laid on the floor like a couple of randy slugs.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51It's everyone's fantasy, isn't it?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54"Take me down the NCP and bang me in the gravel."
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Apparently local shoppers were horrified.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59One poor guy saw everything.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05"Dammit, I'm having no luck today!"
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Finally tonight, here's a great story I wanted to share with you.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19This is the year when we'll celebrate
0:25:19 > 0:25:21our 50th wedding anniversary.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26When we first started dating,
0:25:26 > 0:25:30I used to ride my bike from where I lived to where she was,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33and that was about five kilometres, on a Saturday afternoon
0:25:33 > 0:25:36because it was the only chance we had to get together.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39We had a bike, I used to ride everywhere on my bike
0:25:39 > 0:25:41and then Glad had a bike as well
0:25:41 > 0:25:44and we put a baby chair on the front of her bike
0:25:44 > 0:25:49and so we carried our babies around on the bike with her as well.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Yeah, bike's been part of our lives
0:25:51 > 0:25:55and I guess that's something to do with us now.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Around about 2004, 2005,
0:25:57 > 0:26:01I began to notice that there were things going wrong.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06She was finally diagnosed with the horrible disease of Alzheimer's.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08So I had a bike made, a bike chair made.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15We'd take it to the beach and ride along beside the beach.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19I am determined to care for her every need, every need.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22She has done so much for me over all of these years.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Now she can't, but I can, and I can return her love.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31And it's a love that, well, to me, means I can do everything for her.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35She's my princess, I'm her William.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37And I wouldn't have it any other way.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Would you have it any other way?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41- No.- No, not at all. We love each other.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48How sweet is that? Thanks very much for watching Good News.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Goodnight, my friends, goodnight, farewell!