0:00:21 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Oh! Thank you, thank you!
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Thank you! Hello!
0:00:30 > 0:00:34And welcome...to the news.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35So, what's been happening?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Don't you hate it when you confuse a light for a microphone?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42LAUGHTER
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Over in America, what the hell was this sports commentator watching?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50He's standing in front of the net with about
0:00:50 > 0:00:53eight inches of his shaft in his hand.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55LAUGHTER
0:00:55 > 0:00:59I tell you what, Dominic really knows how to make a woman feel good.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01I have to confess something now.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04- I had 1½ jam doughnuts today, this morning.- Did you?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- I did, yeah.- I thought you were looking a bit...you know.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09LAUGHTER
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And finally, if you photo-bomb someone on the news,
0:01:12 > 0:01:14this is how you do it!
0:01:14 > 0:01:17As a receiver, we just work on, you know, running routes and...
0:01:17 > 0:01:19LAUGHTER
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Did you hear about the latest
0:01:36 > 0:01:39surveillance crackdown by the government?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42The internet browsing history of every person in the UK
0:01:42 > 0:01:45will be recorded for a year under controversial new legislation
0:01:45 > 0:01:48being announced by the Home Secretary later today.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:55The government are checking our internet history?! Did you hear that?
0:01:55 > 0:02:00That is the sound of my brother smashing his laptop with a hammer!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03"Agh! Burn it, Russ! Burn it!"
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Poor laptop!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Honestly, there's so much filth on his computer,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14every time he opens it up, it shudders.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17LAUGHTER
0:02:17 > 0:02:20What I want to know, what are the government hoping to learn?
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Imagine being interrogated for your internet history.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29Mr Howard, why have you looked at this picture 400 times this year?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32LAUGHTER
0:02:32 > 0:02:37"I just like it! It looks like he's going, 'O-o-o-oh.' "
0:02:37 > 0:02:40They're not going to discover anything sinister, are they?
0:02:40 > 0:02:45What they're going to discover is that British people are lunatics.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49These are all genuine questions that people have googled.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01And my personal favourite...
0:03:04 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:08 > 0:03:12It's not just websites. Look what else they're checking.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15If I send a text message, police and security services can see
0:03:15 > 0:03:20what time I sent that message, where I was and that I sent it to you.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23They check your phone! Imagine that job.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Some poor spy checking teenage girls' texts.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30POSH ACCENT: "What news, Fleming?"
0:03:30 > 0:03:35"Well, Theresa don't like her ears. She be, like, they totes fugly."
0:03:35 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER
0:03:39 > 0:03:43"And Nikki be, like, sista, please, your ears is well peng.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48"And Theresa be, like, you just saying that."
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Mind you, some of the texts will be fun to read.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00LAUGHTER
0:04:00 > 0:04:04So, why are the Government spying on us? Well, apparently...
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Let's be honest, the Government aren't going to find terrorists.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14The only thing they're going to learn is that British people
0:04:14 > 0:04:16mostly use the internet to watch videos like this.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- MAN:- Oh, not again!
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Oh...! Aw!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26HE CACKLES
0:04:26 > 0:04:30APPLAUSE It's what they'll do! Now...
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Frrrrrrrrrrrom...
0:04:36 > 0:04:39From worrying surveillance to whining Brits.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42The Russian plane which crashed in Egypt may well have been
0:04:42 > 0:04:44brought down by a bomb.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47All British flights from Sharm el-Sheikh are now being suspended
0:04:47 > 0:04:49until a team of UK experts can
0:04:49 > 0:04:52assess security arrangements at that airport.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Nothing's organised, nothing's structured.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Well, let us know when we're going! - When are we going?- Idiot.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Why am I still here?
0:04:59 > 0:05:00LAUGHTER
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Cos there was a bomb on a plane!
0:05:03 > 0:05:07What is wrong with people? "Bloody Egyptians, lookin' after me!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10"Makin' sure I don't blow up in the sky!"
0:05:11 > 0:05:15It's pathetic! Did you see the way Russians reacted? Bit more stoic.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17So you're not worried about terrorism here?
0:05:17 > 0:05:22No. I think that, if we go down, nothing can help us.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:26"If we die, we die."
0:05:26 > 0:05:28The footage that really got me
0:05:28 > 0:05:31was this woman screaming at the British ambassador.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32We've been told the planes can't land,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35that Egyptian government are arguing with David Cameron
0:05:35 > 0:05:38and he's not letting any planes land, so what's the problem?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39You're stuttering now.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41He's... LAUGHTER
0:05:41 > 0:05:44He's not stuttering, you just won't let him speak!
0:05:44 > 0:05:47What I don't understand, don't get angry at the government
0:05:47 > 0:05:49when they're trying to protect you.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Get angry at the government, cos of people like MP Philip Davies.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Here is a picture of him earlier this year.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Good guy! No. Here is what he did last week.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14What an arsehole.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Carers have to pay to park at hospitals!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19They wanted a debate to end this bullshit
0:06:19 > 0:06:23and that wanker spoke for 93 minutes so they couldn't.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Well, I think we can change that photo, don't you?
0:06:27 > 0:06:28LAUGHTER
0:06:28 > 0:06:31You can disagree with it, that's fine. APPLAUSE
0:06:31 > 0:06:34It's so... HE GROANS
0:06:36 > 0:06:40You can disagree with it, that's fine. You have to let them debate, that is your job!
0:06:40 > 0:06:44I can't wait for him to rock up to hospital, "Help! I'm having a heart attack!"
0:06:44 > 0:06:47"Oh, really? We'll see you in 93 minutes."
0:06:47 > 0:06:48LAUGHTER
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Could he be more of a dick? Yes, he can.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Here's a list of the things he's spoken out against.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Dick!
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Dick!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09DICK! And finally, he said...
0:07:14 > 0:07:18He's such a dick, he doesn't have a dick! He's...
0:07:18 > 0:07:24He's just got a tiny version of himself that just goes, "BLEURGH!"
0:07:24 > 0:07:26For 93 minutes!
0:07:26 > 0:07:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Elsewhere this week - now, you know Christmas is round the corner
0:07:32 > 0:07:34when this is all over the telly.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37The John Lewis Christmas advert premieres this evening.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38It's become a staple
0:07:38 > 0:07:41of the seasonal TV schedules and, once again,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45it's utterly shameless in pulling at our heartstrings.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49# You're half the world away
0:07:50 > 0:07:57# You're half the world away I've been lost, I've been found
0:07:57 > 0:07:59# But I don't feel down
0:07:59 > 0:08:03# You're half the world away
0:08:03 > 0:08:08# I've been lost, I've been found But I don't feel down. #
0:08:08 > 0:08:10AUDIENCE: Ahhh...
0:08:10 > 0:08:15Don't "Aw"! He's using a telescope to peer into a kid's bedroom.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:18That is...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20APPLAUSE
0:08:23 > 0:08:27That's not heart-warming, that is grooming, that's what that is.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29And now she's giving him a telescope?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31First the government is spying on us
0:08:31 > 0:08:34and now we've got to worry about moonjizz.com.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Yeah... # Moonjizz.com... #
0:08:42 > 0:08:45It's ridiculous. What message do kids take from that?
0:08:45 > 0:08:50It's OK to give an old man binoculars? It's not!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52God knows what'll happen!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55# You're half the world away
0:08:55 > 0:09:00# I've been lost, I've been found But I don't feel down
0:09:00 > 0:09:03# You're half the world away... #
0:09:03 > 0:09:06"SHE" SHRIEKS
0:09:06 > 0:09:09APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Next up, it's been a tough week for seven-year-olds.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18For what is already known as the most tested generation,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21life could be about to get even tougher.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23The Education Secretary, Nicky Morgan,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26has revealed plans to introduce more rigorous testing
0:09:26 > 0:09:30for children across England, starting at the age of seven.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Poor kids! They interviewed them about exams.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Look at the effect it's had on this little fella.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40It's, like, really serious. Like, it's not... Life isn't a joke.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46How heartbreaking is that? "Life isn't a joke."
0:09:46 > 0:09:49That's exactly what life should be when you're seven.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52You should be having fun, riding your bike, jumping in puddles,
0:09:52 > 0:09:55feeding your dog glitter so it shits magic.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:10:00When I was seven, my mate Paul farted in school assembly
0:10:00 > 0:10:02and went, "Pardon my arse." And...
0:10:02 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER
0:10:03 > 0:10:08..I genuinely don't think I've ever laughed so much in my life.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14You don't need exams when you're seven.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18When you think about it, all you need to know - who smelt it dealt it,
0:10:18 > 0:10:21who denied it supplied it, and who rhymed it crimed it.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23If you're very advanced,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner chocolate's made. But...
0:10:26 > 0:10:29that's only for very advanced people.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Now, mind you, one thing I did love about this story was this.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I love the idea that Cameron will be reading stuff like this.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49This is the best bit - "show your thinking" - look what the kid did!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I love it.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52LAUGHTER
0:10:52 > 0:10:55It's the most wonderful thing.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01It could be worse, though, right. You could go to school in Hong Kong.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05This is nuts. Look what kids over there have to put up with.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Getting into a good school can be stressful for both children
0:11:08 > 0:11:09and parents.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12It's seen as so important in Hong Kong that children
0:11:12 > 0:11:15like Carlson Chun here are training for their interview,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17despite only being 2½ years old.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Two-year-olds having interviews.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23"What do you think you can bring to the school?" "Sandwiches?"
0:11:23 > 0:11:24LAUGHTER
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Babies aren't ready for exams!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29They can buckle under the simplest of questions.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34- Say "baby".- Baby.- Say "Mama". - Mama.- Say "Dada".- Dada.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- Say "robot". - HE GIBBERS
0:11:36 > 0:11:39LAUGHTER
0:11:39 > 0:11:41It's not just changes in exams.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Did you hear about the plans for school photos?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47A school photographer in West Sussex has outraged parents
0:11:47 > 0:11:49by offering to airbrush their children's pictures.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Airbrush school photos? I would have loved that in my day! Look at this!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Would have been amazing!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Don't applaud, I look like Harry Potter's German pen pal.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06That photo is all over the internet. It's even been turned into a meme.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I didn't write this joke. Look what they've done.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17LAUGHTER Oh, yeah, ha-ha-ha-ha, funny!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20CHEERING
0:12:20 > 0:12:21So...
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Exams, photos, anything else? Yep.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Have you heard about the government's genius idea to combat child obesity?
0:12:35 > 0:12:36What?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38How's that going to work?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42LAUGHTER
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Next up, terrifying news for cat owners.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Now, when they're curled up on your lap, they look very cute and cuddly,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55but a recent report has suggested
0:12:55 > 0:12:59that your cat could actually be plotting to kill you.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01LAUGHTER
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Did you hear that?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Apparently your cat is "plotting to kill you".
0:13:05 > 0:13:06I love the word "plotting",
0:13:06 > 0:13:10like they're drawing ways to kill you in their litter tray.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14"What you doing?" "Nothing, nothing."
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"(Planning to kill you, that's all.)"
0:13:20 > 0:13:23"No, go over there, go over there.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25"(And it'll be the last thing you ever do...)"
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I love this so much. Did you see how scientists described them?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Of course they're unstable.
0:13:37 > 0:13:43Any animal that thinks a mouse's head is a present is clearly a psycho!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45"You love it, don't you?"
0:13:45 > 0:13:46LAUGHTER
0:13:46 > 0:13:48"Try it on, try it on!"
0:13:50 > 0:13:55Of course they're unstable. They sit in front of you and lick their arse!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57"Hi." HE SLURPS LOUDLY
0:13:57 > 0:14:00"How's things?"
0:14:00 > 0:14:03"If you fall asleep, I'm going to kill you."
0:14:04 > 0:14:06But some people won't have it.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Did you see this lady try and defend them?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Cats are very empathetic, I find,
0:14:10 > 0:14:12if you're going through something stressful.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Maybe your driving test, or something's going on in your life,
0:14:15 > 0:14:18you'll find the cat actually spends more time with you.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20What a load of shit!
0:14:21 > 0:14:25"Sorry, guys. I would love to stay and rip a squirrel up,
0:14:25 > 0:14:27"but my owner's doing a driving test."
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Just rubbing her feet - "Let's go through it one more time.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36"Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41"You're stressed, you're stressed, you're stressed, aren't you?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46"Do you want to see me lick my arse again?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"Just for you!" SLURP!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54"Nom, nom, nom!"
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Cats are trying to kill you?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Listen, if they do attack, they are pretty easy to stop.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Cats plus ice cream equals brain freeze.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08YOWLING GARGLE
0:15:14 > 0:15:18My guest tonight is probably one of the most famous astronauts in the world.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21He's made science exciting to an entire generation
0:15:21 > 0:15:24and more than 27 million people have seen him in space,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26singing David Bowie.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31# This is Major Tom to ground control
0:15:31 > 0:15:34# I've left forevermore
0:15:36 > 0:15:41# And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
0:15:43 > 0:15:49# And the stars look very different today
0:15:51 > 0:15:56# For here am I sitting in a tin can
0:15:58 > 0:16:03# Far above the world
0:16:05 > 0:16:11# Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing left to do. #
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Chris Hadfield.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Thank you very much for coming on the show.- Thank you.- Argh!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I'll say this now, you have got a firm handshake.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- Thank you.- That was good.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44- So, the first question, obviously - what's it like to be in space?- Uh...
0:16:46 > 0:16:51Number one, it's like magic, because you're weightless, which is...
0:16:51 > 0:16:53It's a superpower.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56You know, it is...it is something that you've never experienced
0:16:56 > 0:16:59in your whole life and, the second the engines shut off,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02instantaneously, you are now...
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Shitting yourself? LAUGHTER
0:17:04 > 0:17:06You are now weightless.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09It's like someone just tapped you on the head and said, "You can fly."
0:17:09 > 0:17:11And so, that's delightful.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15And then, at the same time, the whole world is pouring by.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17You go round the world every hour and a half,
0:17:17 > 0:17:19so 16 times around the planet every day,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22so you're weightless and, every time you look at the window,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24another whole part of the world's going by.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- It's an intoxicating place to be. - I read some interesting things.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30What do you do to prepare, before you go on?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Cos I heard some fascinating things.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37Well, the Russian spaceship is relatively simple.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Yeah.- And the WC on it is really primitive.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43It's almost nothing, and so, just before launch,
0:17:43 > 0:17:46just before you put on your spacesuit, you give yourself
0:17:46 > 0:17:50not one, but two enemas, just before launch.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Wow.- Just so that you won't have to use the facilities
0:17:53 > 0:17:55on the way up to docking with the space station.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00- HE LAUGHS:- Lying on the cold, tiled floor in Russian quarantine,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02as your bowels evacuate themselves, thinking,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05"The glorious life of an astronaut(!)"
0:18:05 > 0:18:09I guess the other option is much worse. "Houston, we have a floater."
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- Exactly right. - The other thing I read was about
0:18:12 > 0:18:15getting washed down with Russian men with alcohol. Is that right?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17One of the concerns is, you don't want
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- to bring a cold or a flu up into the space station...- Yeah.
0:18:20 > 0:18:25..but another is, what if you've just got some little bit of mould
0:18:25 > 0:18:27or something you brushed into on your skin?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30You don't want to bring any sort of skin infection up there,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32so, after you've finished with the enema,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34in comes a Russian technician
0:18:34 > 0:18:37and he wipes your entire body down with rubbing alcohol.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Right.- And it's cold in Kazakhstan, so...
0:18:42 > 0:18:44And this isn't a person you know well.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- So, it's kind of...- At that moment! Presumably, five minutes later,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- you know each other very well. - Yeah, good mates! But, yeah...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I'm assuming, in that moment, there must be a part of you thinking,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56"Er... I'd rather have been a teacher."
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- LAUGHTER - Yeah.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I read something interesting about you, if this is right,
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- that you once discovered something strange in space?- Ah.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- The cake.- Yeah. - This is an amazing story.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- This really freaked me out. - It was so funny!
0:19:10 > 0:19:11- I was the commander of the crew. - Yeah.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I was back digging through our pantry,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17looking for something interesting to bring out for food
0:19:17 > 0:19:19and I opened up the zipper and I'm digging away
0:19:19 > 0:19:23and out next to me floats a fruitcake.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Not even a professionally-made fruitcake,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29but it looked like a fruitcake your aunt might have made and sent you.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30I'm looking at this, going,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33"Who ordered a fruitcake?! Where did a fruitcake come from?!"
0:19:33 > 0:19:36And I was thinking, well, we'll give it a try.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Put it down, unwrapped the cellophane,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- and I found it had a little card in it...- Yes.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44..and it was made by Trappist monks in the Ozarks in the United States.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I was thinking, they had no idea
0:19:46 > 0:19:48where their fruitcake was going to end up.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52But the beauty of fruitcake, because it's preserved in a lot of rum...
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- Yeah.- ..and such, if you just Velcro it to the table, it doesn't dry out.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59So, everybody floating by would just grab a little piece of fruitcake.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03- It's wonderful space food. Who would've thought?- I love that.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08How...? So many things happen for a monk to make a fruitcake.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11One of the monks manages to sneak it onto a spacecraft -
0:20:11 > 0:20:14and then, this is the best thing - cos they are monks, they don't talk,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17they can't brag about it!
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Well, we thought we'd give them a phone call,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22cos on the little calling card was their telephone number in the Ozarks
0:20:22 > 0:20:24and we occasionally have a link from the space station,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27where we can telephone down to the ground, so we thought,
0:20:27 > 0:20:29we'll call the monks and thank them for their fruitcake.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- That must have freaked them out. - So, dialled it up, got through
0:20:32 > 0:20:36and we discovered that monks don't answer their phone.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:42 > 0:20:45But they would never... They would never have believed you, either.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47You'd say, "Hello, we're eating your cake in space."
0:20:47 > 0:20:50"Oh, yeah - it's them kids from down the road!"
0:20:50 > 0:20:52I left a message. "Hi, this is Chris Hadfield,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I'm the commander of the International Space Station.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58"Just wanted to tell you, one of your fruitcakes is up here, it's really delicious.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02We really appreciate you making it for us and everybody on the whole crew, even the Russians,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05they really like it. Thanks very much. Hope to meet you someday. Bye-bye.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08I'm just picturing them around their answering machine.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10"Really?"
0:21:10 > 0:21:12# Put it on speaker. #
0:21:14 > 0:21:17# I made that cake. #
0:21:18 > 0:21:21What's it like, being home after you've been to space?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23It's funny when you come home, of course,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25because you're so used to just placing things in the air
0:21:25 > 0:21:27and then grabbing them again when you need them.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29And on my first landing,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Jerry Ross and I were standing next to each other.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34We'd just landed on the runway
0:21:34 > 0:21:37and he floated a tape to me out of his video camera and it went...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39onto the ground.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42And both of us, like some bad Godzilla movie, went...
0:21:44 > 0:21:46..looked down and picked it up.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49We looked pathetic and then laughed at each other.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52So what's your favourite moment from being in space?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55What's the go-to, that was it, that was the...?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I've done two spacewalks. They're a huge amount of preparation.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02They're a risky thing to do.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Er... During my second space flight,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07we had to go outside and build some things
0:22:07 > 0:22:10and it's very theoretical and years and years -
0:22:10 > 0:22:13more than a university degree of training - just for the spacewalk.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- Wow.- You get up, it takes about four hours
0:22:15 > 0:22:17to put your spacesuit on, to go through all of it.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19You've got to get the nitrogen out of your blood
0:22:19 > 0:22:21and all sorts of things.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23But finally, the moment comes,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26when you're in the airlock, it's all hatched,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29you've depressurised it down to the vacuum, the suit is inflated
0:22:29 > 0:22:33and dead quiet and you grab this huge handle and spin it -
0:22:33 > 0:22:36and you can't hear it, even though it's a big, metal thing.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38You clunk it up out of place
0:22:38 > 0:22:42and you pull yourself out into the universe.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46And suddenly, the whole world is...
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- There's nothing between you and the world...- Yeah.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- ..but the curve of your visor... - Wow!- ..and you look the other way
0:22:53 > 0:22:55and it's the entire universe, all around you.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58And you're just holding on with one hand.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- That moment is overwhelming. - Yeah, right.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04It sort of puts being a turtle into perspective.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Maybe a turtle that had just been chucked off Everest.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14They must have that similar thing of going, "Wow..."
0:23:14 > 0:23:16But yours is so much cooler.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Yeah, it's...
0:23:18 > 0:23:21At one point, Houston said, "Hey, just hold on for a few minutes,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23"we need to think about something."
0:23:23 > 0:23:27So, I get a moment just to think about where I am and so,
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I held on more and more gently,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31until I was just holding on with my fingertips
0:23:31 > 0:23:34and I got myself perfectly still
0:23:34 > 0:23:36and then, I just let go -
0:23:36 > 0:23:40flying around the sun, with the spaceship,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42the two of us and the Earth.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46And just a sense of what it really feels like, alone in the universe.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Our first steps away from home.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- Just a magnificent, personal moment...- Extraordinary! Yeah.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55..and so, kind of an early glimpse of what that's going to feel like,
0:23:55 > 0:23:58to have separated ourselves from the planet.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I could talk to you all night. It's an absolute pleasure to speak to you.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Thank you very much, Chris. Amazing. Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Hadfield!
0:24:04 > 0:24:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Elsewhere in the news, did you hear about James Bond?
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Bond has become a modern man! Well, that is going to change the films.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Ah. Martini, Mr Bond?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26No, I'll have a smoothie.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Did you enjoy that?
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Loved it.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35The name's Bond, James Bond.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Licensed...to respect!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42God, I love recycling!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I like it. APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Finally tonight, an inspirational man from New York,
0:24:54 > 0:24:58trying to educate people about the real danger of guns.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I'm pro-second amendment, so it's like...
0:25:29 > 0:25:31it's kind of hard to find that in New York City.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Like I was showing your wife,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35the first gun I showed her was this revolver.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38It's the easiest gun we have to use, it's our most popular one.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42This is .22 calibre, six inch revolver.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46It's also a gun that a five-year-old found in his parents' bedroom,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49went down and shot his nine-month-old baby brother with it.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Collectors love this one.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Adam Lanza's mom had this in her collection too,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57till he took this and several other guns and killed her,
0:25:57 > 0:25:58then went down to Sandy Hook,
0:25:58 > 0:26:02killed six teachers and 20 innocent children.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- 20 little kids, gone... - CLICKS FINGER:- ..like that.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09They thought, ironically,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11that they were protecting their nine-month-old.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14She thought she was protecting her two-year-old.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19Nine millimetre semi-automatic. .40 calibre compact. .45 calibre.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Nine millimetre submachine gun. 12 gauge pump action shotgun.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Why don't you have a closer look?
0:26:36 > 0:26:37I was pretty blindsided
0:26:37 > 0:26:41by just the entire history of every gun in the store.
0:26:41 > 0:26:46It is one of our rights, but my opinion has definitely changed.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I don't... I don't feel safe with a gun.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Makes you think, doesn't it? Thanks for watching.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Goodnight, my friends. # Goodnight, farewell... #
0:26:58 > 0:27:00CHEERING