0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:21 > 0:00:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Hello!
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Thank you very much indeed!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello, and welcome to Good News! So, what's been happening?
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Over at Sky, Martin was furious about his penis operation.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38It's got more width, but not quite the length.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43BBC Look North interviewed the most wonderful
0:00:43 > 0:00:46and terrifying granny ever.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I will be very proud of them, but if they let their botty
0:00:48 > 0:00:51hang out, and their stomach and their shoulders, I shall
0:00:51 > 0:00:53throw them in the river!
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Oh...
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Is it me, or is there one person in this report not paying attention?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02But among these two party activists -
0:01:02 > 0:01:04neither of whom voted for Mr Corbyn...
0:01:06 > 0:01:11And finally, don't you love the way they present the weather in Finland?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13HE SPEAKS IN FINNISH
0:01:26 > 0:01:28So, what's been going on?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Well, as feared, the Paris attacks are still in the news
0:01:30 > 0:01:32for all the wrong reasons.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Here in the UK, many Muslims say they are worried about a
0:01:34 > 0:01:38backlash against them in Europe, as a result of the attacks in Paris.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I'm not surprised Muslims are worried -
0:01:40 > 0:01:44some of the reactions to this tragedy have been so moronic.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I mean, did you hear about this?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Did you see her posts?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55HE IMITATES THE WOMAN'S VOICE
0:02:02 > 0:02:04"Can't I protect my country?!
0:02:04 > 0:02:09"And the way I'm going to do that is by refusing to wax people's foofs."
0:02:14 > 0:02:18People that had nothing to do with the attacks in the first place!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21It's such insane logic.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23How is that protecting your country?
0:02:23 > 0:02:29Like Isis are going to be on the news. "Please! We surrender!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31"Let us have vajazzles!
0:02:42 > 0:02:47"None of this is worth it if we can't have tinted eyelashes!"
0:02:47 > 0:02:54What I want to know - how can you be racist AND run a beauty salon?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Fake tans must be a nightmare.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Come in, madam.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00IMITATES SPRAY
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Now, get the fuck out of my shop!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10It's madness.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Terrorists aren't into beauty or grooming.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Most of them look like kebabs.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Idiocy wasn't just confined to Britain -
0:03:21 > 0:03:24did you see how the American right-wing media responded?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Did they promote peace and understanding?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28What do you think?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Paris should be a wake-up call for every American.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Applications for gun permits have surged since the Paris attacks.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Was anybody in that dancehall able to shoot back? No!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Arm yourself and protect yourself.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43We cannot wait for the police - we need to rely on ourselves.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47One solution - guns, guns, guns.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52"Pick up your Boom Boom stick, America!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54"We got to shoot our way to peace!"
0:03:56 > 0:03:59It's so depressing - every single time there's a tragedy -
0:03:59 > 0:04:04it gets hijacked by fear-mongering, gun-obsessed idiots.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I mean, look at the gun this tool has designed.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11A Florida gun manufacturer has designed an assault rifle with...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13guess what? Christian symbols on it.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Our gun - if a Muslim terrorist grabs it,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20a bolt of lightning knocks him dead right on the spot.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Oh, you want a magic gun!
0:04:32 > 0:04:36A magic gun that kills bad man with Jesus lightning!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40It gets worse, look what he's written on the gun.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44We have Psalm 144:1 - "Blessed be the Lord my rock,
0:04:44 > 0:04:48"who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle."
0:04:48 > 0:04:49What?!
0:04:49 > 0:04:53You can write anything on a gun - that doesn't make it Christian!
0:04:53 > 0:04:57You can write "God" on a dildo - that doesn't make it religious!
0:04:57 > 0:05:00"What are you doing?"
0:05:00 > 0:05:02"I'm trying to get closer to the Lord."
0:05:02 > 0:05:04IMITATES VIBRATION
0:05:04 > 0:05:07It's insane - look at the safety settings he's got.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09We have three settings -
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Peace is safety, that means the gun won't fire.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14War is one bullet every time you squeeze the trigger.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17And God Wills It - fully automatic.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19God Will...
0:05:19 > 0:05:22That doesn't mean it's God's idea!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Here's what they should have put on that gun.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29CHEERING
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Put 'em down.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38This is what kills me the most - look at his justification.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I'm a Christian and I believe that it's right...
0:05:41 > 0:05:45And I am encouraging people of my faith to take up arms...
0:05:45 > 0:05:48That's exactly what Isis do, you idiot!
0:05:49 > 0:05:54IMITATES REDNECK US ACCENT: "We need to stop people hijacking a religion to kill people.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59"..by hijacking a religion...
0:06:00 > 0:06:01"..to kill people!"
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Not that all reactions to the Paris attacks were depressing.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Have a look at what someone put on a sign in Scotland.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Now, talking of things that cheered me up -
0:06:19 > 0:06:21did you hear about this little fella?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24A young boy in Australia has become a national hero,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27after battling through the hiccups to sing the national anthem
0:06:27 > 0:06:29at a baseball game.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Did you see it?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Oh, oh, oh, it's amazing!
0:06:33 > 0:06:36BAND FANFARE
0:06:38 > 0:06:41# Australians all - hic
0:06:41 > 0:06:44# Let us rejoice
0:06:44 > 0:06:49# Hic - for we are young and free
0:06:49 > 0:06:55# We've gol... hic - golden soil and - hic - wealth for toil
0:06:55 > 0:07:01# Hic - our home is girt Hic - by the sea
0:07:01 > 0:07:06# Our land abounds in Nature's gifts
0:07:06 > 0:07:12# Of beauty - hic - rich and fair Hic
0:07:12 > 0:07:17# In history's page Let - hic - every stage
0:07:17 > 0:07:24# Advance Australia fair. #
0:07:24 > 0:07:26That is amazing.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28CHEERING
0:07:32 > 0:07:36So, what else? Well, apparently, OAPs are getting their drink on.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41People over 65 are being warned about their alarming use of alcohol.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44One in five is reported to be drinking at unsafe levels.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Yeah, apparently pensioners have got such a drinking problem,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49they've been told to stop!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Fair to say - not all of them are happy...
0:07:54 > 0:07:57It's so unfair! If they want to have a drink, let them have one!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59When you think about it, it's pretty tricky to reach old age
0:07:59 > 0:08:02in this country and not have a drinking problem.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Think about it - you're born, drink! Christening, drink!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07You leave school, drink! You go to uni, drink!
0:08:07 > 0:08:09You get a job, drink! You fall in love, drink!
0:08:09 > 0:08:12You get married, drink! You have a kid, drink!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14You get divorced, drink! You work till you're 70,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17you retire, and all of a sudden you're not allowed a drink!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20You spend the next 20 years being ravaged by illness until you perish.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23And what do all your mates do when you die?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25They have a fucking drink!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30It's so unfair!
0:08:32 > 0:08:36So, if your nan wants a sambuca, let her have one!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39There's nothing better than your nan at a party.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Blow. Blow it out.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50It's not just humans who like a tipple...
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Good laugh, madam!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55HE IMITATES CACKLE
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Did you hear - there she goes again! - did you hear...
0:08:58 > 0:08:59did you hear what happened
0:08:59 > 0:09:02during the filming of David Attenborough's new show?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09How brilliant is that?!
0:09:09 > 0:09:13AS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: "Here we see the mighty polar bear,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16"pissed off his tits on rose.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19"Flipping over a walrus, grabbing its tusks, shouting,
0:09:19 > 0:09:24" 'Ooh, ooh, ooh, look at me, I'm riding a space hopper.' "
0:09:25 > 0:09:28APPLAUSE
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Amazing, isn't it?
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Oh, oh, right - do you reckon Attenborough will get his own back?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Next series opens, just him burning a glacier with a lighter.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39"Huh? Yeah? Mm!
0:09:39 > 0:09:44"This is what happens when you take Daddy's stash."
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I love this story so much - we actually got footage of him
0:09:48 > 0:09:50making his getaway.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52There he goes!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58He was even worse the next day.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00There he is.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Not that all animals were on the lash this week -
0:10:03 > 0:10:04some were busy working.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Did you hear about the Queen?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13AS THE QUEEN: "Shit! Philip
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"They're after the ganj!
0:10:15 > 0:10:19"Flush the dust! Flush the dust!"
0:10:21 > 0:10:23So, did she get detained? No!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29"You've got nothing on me, dog.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33"Philip ate it all on the way."
0:10:33 > 0:10:36AS PRINCE PHILIP: "I'm melting!"
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Now, talking of strange run-ins, did you hear about BoJo?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Boris Johnson would like to think he's on the side of the cyclist -
0:10:45 > 0:10:48but by some of the reactions he got this morning,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50he may still have some work to do.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Yes, he does.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Right, he was opening a new bike lane, waved at a fellow cyclist,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56and then this happened.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Look at that!
0:10:58 > 0:10:59AS BORIS: "Hello!"
0:10:59 > 0:11:00"Piss off."
0:11:00 > 0:11:01"Okey-dokey."
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Over in America,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09have you been watching the Republican race for the White House? Wow.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13It's between Ben Carson - crazy! - and Donald Trump - crazy!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16First up, let's meet Carson.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon
0:11:17 > 0:11:20and Seventh-Day Adventist who talks openly about his faith...
0:11:20 > 0:11:22He's a Christian.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Humble, principled - he is the anti-Trump.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26So, why is he crazy?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Well, cos he says stuff like this...
0:11:28 > 0:11:30You think being gay is a choice?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- Absolutely.- Why do you say that?
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Because a lot of people who go into prison go into straight,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38and when they come out, they're gay.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I must have missed that bit in the Shawshank Redemption.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52AS MORGAN FREEMAN: "I remember the first time I saw Andy."
0:11:52 > 0:11:54LAUGHTER
0:11:58 > 0:12:02"He walked into the prison, tore up a photo of his wife
0:12:02 > 0:12:03"and sucked my balls.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09"They say hope can kill a man.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11"Well, balls can nearly choke him."
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Now, he's not just... LAUGHTER
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Sorry. He's not just homophobic.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Did you see what he said about Obama providing health care to poor people?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25ObamaCare is...
0:12:25 > 0:12:29really, I think, the worst thing that has happened in this nation
0:12:29 > 0:12:31since slavery.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36The worst thing since....?
0:12:36 > 0:12:379/11?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Vietnam?
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Honey Boo Boo?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44AUDIENCE MEMBER CLAPS
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Hah! "Yeah!"
0:12:46 > 0:12:47What a dick, though, you know?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Mind you, what I say is nothing compared to this guy.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Mr Long-legged Mack Daddy.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Yeah! That's right, my friends - Pastor Manning is back.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58So, is he a fan of Ben Carson? Er...
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I can't really figure it out.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Ben Carson is a demon!
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Right.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08So that's a no.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13He is a lunatic - look what he said about Carson's supporters.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18..and everybody that supports him are closeted sodomites -
0:13:18 > 0:13:21fags, lesbos, butt-lickers.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Butt-lickers?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Whatever turns 'em on!
0:13:32 > 0:13:33So, that's Carson.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Let's meet the frontrunner, Donald Trump -
0:13:35 > 0:13:38a man with all the charm of a turd that won't flush.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42I want surveillance of certain mosques, OK?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45It has not been easy for me, and, you know, I started off in Brooklyn,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47my father gave me a small loan of a million dollars...
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Ku Klux Klan leader has described Trump as the...
0:13:51 > 0:13:56You've called women you don't like "fat pigs", "dogs", "slobs"
0:13:56 > 0:13:58and "disgusting animals".
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Who cares?
0:14:01 > 0:14:02How is he in the lead, right?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Mind you, you think that's bad? Look what he said about his own daughter.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I've said that if Ivanka weren't my daughter,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10perhaps I'd be dating her, you know?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Stop it! Oh, it's so weird!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Eurgh...!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16And when he's not trying to bone his kids,
0:14:16 > 0:14:21all he keeps banging on about is building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22We will have a wall.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24The wall will be built.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26The wall will be successful,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30and if you think walls don't work, all you have to do is ask Israel.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Oh, yeah, yeah.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33It's really peaceful over there, innit?
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Walls work?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Not if you ask Palestinians, you hamster-haired bell-end.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41He's such a tit - look what else he said about Mexicans.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47He even had a pop at kids,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50saying that children of Mexican immigrants
0:14:50 > 0:14:51weren't real American citizens.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53And how did one activist group respond?
0:14:53 > 0:14:57It was hugely controversial, but I have to show you.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Hola, Donald Trump!
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Screaming "get out of my country". Republicans use offensive words.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04So, here's a few of our own.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- BLEEP- you, racist- BLEEP.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08APPLAUSE
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Pretty good.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16My guest this week is a cook and food campaigner
0:15:16 > 0:15:20who has waged war on battery farming, fish quotas and food waste.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Millions of people in Britain
0:15:23 > 0:15:25are struggling to pay their food bills -
0:15:25 > 0:15:29yet a third of all the food we produce never gets eaten.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31That has to be wrong.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Who or what is telling you
0:15:33 > 0:15:36that these can't go to your supermarket clients?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38The supermarkets themselves.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I want to persuade our biggest corporations to stop wasting
0:15:41 > 0:15:43millions of tonnes of food...
0:15:45 > 0:15:49..and I want to see what we can do to waste less food ourselves...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Look at that - that's naughty.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I think there's at least one good tea left in here.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56..because what we chuck away at home
0:15:56 > 0:16:00is costing the average British family £700 a year.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04It's time we all declared war on waste.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Ladies an gentlemen, please welcome Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- CROWD CHEERS - Thank you.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Thanks very much for coming on the show, my friend.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Now, you've had your hands in a lot of bins.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Yeah! Recently especially, yeah.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Been delving deep.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I was going to ask you about that -
0:16:23 > 0:16:24what's the weirdest thing you've ever...
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Do you ever find something and then you couldn't show it on telly?
0:16:27 > 0:16:31"Oh, it's a used condom, we can't..."
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Do you know what? This is true.- Right.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Did you see that big dump where, in the opening shot, there,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- where you see the big truck behind me?- Yeah.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42We actually interviewed someone who helps run that plant,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44and I was just looking down,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46and there was an enormous dildo at his feet.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- Big kind of wibbly-wobbly rubber one.- Right.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- And, um...- And did you throw it out cos it was wonky?- No, he...
0:16:54 > 0:16:57After a bit - we'd been talking to him for quite a long time -
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- after a bit, he noticed it, too. - Oh, right!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02I think cos he saw me looking down quite a lot...
0:17:02 > 0:17:04And he gave it a kick.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- At the first kick, it didn't go anywhere.- Right!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Second kick, he kind of launched it.- Yeah.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Just sort of randomly going like that...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14So, I saw it all happen,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- but it wasn't captured forever on film.- Wow!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Why do we hate wonky veg? It's fascinating, isn't it?
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- Well, I...I'm not convinced that we do hate it.- Right.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27I think we recognise that it's good food,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30but we've got a bit confused about the concept of wonky veg,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33because some of the supermarkets are doing this thing and saying,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35"Oh, look, we're starting to love wonky veg,"
0:17:35 > 0:17:38so they go all the way through the carrot factory
0:17:38 > 0:17:40looking for all the sort of four-fingered carrots
0:17:40 > 0:17:42and the really odd-looking ones,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44and they put them all in a bag and sell them at half price,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46and say, "Look, we're all over the wonky veg -
0:17:46 > 0:17:49"we've solved the wonky veg problem."
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Meanwhile - and this is what I really have a problem with -
0:17:52 > 0:17:55there's huge amounts of "almost-perfect" carrots
0:17:55 > 0:17:58with one little spot on them, or a slight bend to the right,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- a bit like the thing we saw on the floor...- Yep.- Anyway...
0:18:02 > 0:18:04And that's being thrown away.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Now, whatever we think about the look of this stuff,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09we must recognise it's perfectly good food.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Also, no-one's ever looked at a carrot and gone,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13"Eurgh, it's not aesthetically pleasing, I won't eat it,"
0:18:13 > 0:18:15know what I mean? It's a carrot. You eat it,
0:18:15 > 0:18:17cos your mum tells you lies when you're a kid.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19"It'll make you see in the dark."
0:18:19 > 0:18:21That's how we eat veg - lies.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24No, I completely agree - and the phrase that the supermarkets use,
0:18:24 > 0:18:27that kind of says it all, in a way, is "cosmetic standards".
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- It's almost like... - What an insane job that is!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31So, you're telling me, somebody at Tesco,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34it's their job to judge carrots as they kind of come out, like...
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Well, yeah...
0:18:36 > 0:18:39"Eurgh, look at her! She's a right..."
0:18:39 > 0:18:42It's actually... It is almost as mad as that.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45It's ridiculous - there's nothing wrong with being slightly wonky.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I don't know if you can see, I've got a...
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- I've got a slightly lazy eye.- Me too.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- I've got one a bit smaller than the other.- Have you?- Yeah.- Nice.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- Yeah.- Brothers.- Brothers. - Wonky eye brothers.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Ah, look at that. What a lovely moment.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Exactly. We should be on...
0:19:02 > 0:19:04APPLAUSE
0:19:04 > 0:19:05If we were carrots...
0:19:05 > 0:19:08If we were carrots we would be rejected, we'd be on the heap.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Ah. What kind of world are we living in, Hugh?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15That's the right way to look at it, isn't it? If we were carrots...
0:19:15 > 0:19:19There are a lot of carrots here that would be rejected.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21LAUGHTER AND BOOS
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Sorry. Didn't put enough make-up on, out you go.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Teeth slightly crooked, off. Mate, I'm serious, off!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33This is so brilliant.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35A minute ago they were absolutely charmed by you
0:19:35 > 0:19:37and now they're like, "You're a pig.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39"You're a munter.
0:19:39 > 0:19:44"What is that? Is that even human? Somebody has brought an orc in here."
0:19:44 > 0:19:45You make a valid point.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48If we were in the carrot world I wouldn't be on telly,
0:19:48 > 0:19:49you wouldn't be on telly.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51We'd be by a bin, snivelling.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54And then a more pleasing carrot version of you would be
0:19:54 > 0:19:55in that bin getting stuff.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Yes, yes.- I find you fascinating.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02There aren't many people that are proud to eat roadkill
0:20:02 > 0:20:04and you are one of those people.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07The only other person I know - my grandad. This is genuinely true.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09When we were little my dad used to drive the car,
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Grandad would be down with us.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14He used to look at roadkill and as we went past, "We're leaving that?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16"I can't believe we're leaving that."
0:20:16 > 0:20:19He used to get upset and he wouldn't speak to my dad for the whole night.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22"We're eating pie, we could be out the back eating a badger,
0:20:22 > 0:20:23"you arsehole!"
0:20:23 > 0:20:28- You're the only person I know. - Yes, I've occasionally... You do...
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I agree, occasionally you pass something on the road
0:20:31 > 0:20:32that's too good to miss.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Here's a question, have you ever been driving along, seen an animal
0:20:35 > 0:20:37and gone, "I fancy that." And then hit it?
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Here's an answer...
0:20:40 > 0:20:43AUDIENCE GROANS
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- Did you kill Cecil?- No.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49No. No.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Is there anything you wouldn't eat though? I'm intrigued.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- Yes.- What?- Oh, gosh.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56If you fry me an egg
0:20:56 > 0:20:58and if you don't baste it with hot oil
0:20:58 > 0:20:59or flip it over so it's over easy,
0:20:59 > 0:21:03if you leave some of that white runny around the edge of the yolk,
0:21:03 > 0:21:04I am not touching it.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Am I right? - APPLAUSE
0:21:07 > 0:21:09I would never mess up eggs. I'm the king of eggs.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- So, would you baste it for me? - I'll scramble those bastards up.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16What I'll do, scramble them, bit of goat's butter, bit of pepper...
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Bit of goat's butter? You're talking my language.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- Have you ever made goat's butter? - No.- I have.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26I've milked a goat, taken the cream off the top of the milk
0:21:26 > 0:21:29and turned it into butter and here you are talking about goat's butter.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Lovely.- It is lovely but... - Like I said, brothers.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36My goat butter brother.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I'm a goat butter brother from another mother.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:42 > 0:21:46I like it but I don't think I could milk a goat.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- I've never milked an animal.- OK.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- I just...- What have you milked, by the way?
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- Um...- An audience. - I've milked an audience.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I once had breast milk squirted in my face.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05OK. As an act of aggression or excitement?
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Sort of for humour.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10My auntie screamed, "bittie," at me and squirted it in my face.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- Lovely.- Different backgrounds.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20What I'm saying is, I've had milk squirted at me from an animal
0:22:20 > 0:22:23but I've never milked one.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Do you have to put yourself in a mental space to...?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Especially a goat, they've got a beard.- Little bit of rhythm.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Bit of rhythm.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- And don't squeeze as hard as you think you might have to.- OK, OK.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER
0:22:37 > 0:22:42- Yeah, I think I'd just have marge. - A lighter touch. A bit of...
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I haven't done it for a while.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Something you never forget.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:52The thing is, if you do it with two hands it doesn't look rude, does it?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54No, no.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58You do know that that's going to be turned into an internet gif
0:22:58 > 0:23:01that will be like, "Did anyone see Hugh wanking off two ghosts?"
0:23:01 > 0:23:03That's what it will be.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Where do you stand on human flesh? Would you eat human flesh?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- I have done.- Have you really?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Yeah. That's a slightly ambiguous thing.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- I've eaten placenta.- Oh, OK, OK, OK.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Oh, fine.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I was thinking if I was going to eat any human, Chris Eubank,
0:23:22 > 0:23:26because he's been punched a lot...
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Tenderised meat.- Yeah, yeah.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I was watching him on I'm A Celebrity thinking,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33"I bet he's bloody delicious."
0:23:33 > 0:23:35You know when you've said something out loud
0:23:35 > 0:23:37and the rest of the family have looked around?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40And you have to go, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."
0:23:40 > 0:23:42But I stand by it, I'd scoff him down.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47Chris, if you're watching... I would eat you.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53- He'll be right over, then, won't he? - That's going to be on telly. Now...
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Here's a question for you. You're on death row, it's your final meal.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I'll cook you anything. What would you have?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Shepherd's pie and a toffee crisp.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07That was an instant answer.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09No mucking around. APPLAUSE
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- And a pint of cider.- Pint of cider. Any particular reason?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14There wasn't even a thought process. You went bang, bang.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19- Well, shepherd's pie is... - Standard. Dirty.- My mum's cooking...
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I used to love that bit in the middle of the week
0:24:22 > 0:24:24when you'd had roast lamb for your Sunday dinner,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27mix it with a bit of ketchup, any leftover gravy
0:24:27 > 0:24:30from the roast, it would all go in, mashed potato on the top.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Forking up the mash into those little mountains, very important.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Brushing it with a little butter, in a very hot oven,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40all crispy and brown, especially the forky bits
0:24:40 > 0:24:44and then the saucy bit of meat bubbling up from under the mash
0:24:44 > 0:24:46coming slightly over the top of the mash
0:24:46 > 0:24:49and slightly over the edge of the pie dish.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53- And making a streaky...- Uh, yeah!
0:24:53 > 0:24:54I'm close.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Death row, it's got to be, hasn't it?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Damn right, let's all die together.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Oh, my God. That was like the Marks & Spencer advert came to life.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08That was wonderful.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- Thank you.- Good answer, my friend.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Thank you.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Next up, this may be the most pointless thing ever
0:25:23 > 0:25:25to get worked up about.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28This week Starbucks unveiled its annual holiday surprise,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30the red cup.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32But some customers are now saying this year's design
0:25:32 > 0:25:33is a disappointment.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37It doesn't give me the, "Wow, it's Christmas!" You know what I mean?
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Some are even calling the cups part of a "War on Christmas" this year.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Of all the things to get upset with, "The cup doesn't have elves on it."
0:25:49 > 0:25:51"I wanted to see a reindeer."
0:25:54 > 0:25:57The American media lost their mind over this story.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58This was my favourite moment.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01What ticks me off about this cup, Adam, is there's nothing in it.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Oh, jeez! There WAS something in it.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05OK, there was something in it.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10Mind you, not everyone is upset with Starbucks cos of the red cup.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15You've talked about - Starbucks uses gay semen in their coffee
0:26:15 > 0:26:18to make it taste good. Where did that come from?
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Because gays tend to love each other's semen
0:26:22 > 0:26:24and it flavours up the coffee.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28They like the taste of it. There's no doubt about that.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30LAUGHTER
0:26:32 > 0:26:34HE IMPERSONATES MAN: There's no doubt about it.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Semen in the coffee.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Everywhere you look in Starbucks, semen, semen, semen.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44NORMAL VOICE: No - cinnamon.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50It's cinnamon.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Cinnamon.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59HE IMPERSONATES MAN: You mean last year
0:26:59 > 0:27:01when I did the semen challenge...
0:27:01 > 0:27:02LAUGHTER
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Oh, my Lord.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Finally tonight, a lovely little story about the power of football.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22As the sun sets on the pitch,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25the smallest of steps are being made for a major prize,
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- the protection of vulnerable children.- Keep it together.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- OK, guys? - Together everybody achieves more.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34You're watching one of the country's newest football teams.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Like most, they're united to win games
0:27:37 > 0:27:40but unlike others the Unity Of Faith team
0:27:40 > 0:27:43were founded in West London to provide a safe haven
0:27:43 > 0:27:46for children from gangs and Islamist extremist groups.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Football's common culture and simple rules -
0:27:49 > 0:27:51scoring is good, conceding is bad -
0:27:51 > 0:27:55has allowed these players to forge new links and relationships.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59It's only about this, the Unity Of Faiths.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03No matter what religion you are, you'll always be British.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Important that you guys understand each other.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Local psychologist Shamendar Talwar
0:28:09 > 0:28:11founded the team just over a year ago.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14He became worried young people in his community
0:28:14 > 0:28:17were in danger of being groomed by groups online.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Put that arm around their shoulder and say,
0:28:19 > 0:28:23if the gate is out there of someone telling you,
0:28:23 > 0:28:27"Look, go to some other country for the promised land."
0:28:27 > 0:28:30And if the gate is there of Stamford Bridge with Mourinho
0:28:30 > 0:28:32holding his hand, what would you choose?
0:28:32 > 0:28:34So the child will obviously choose Mourinho.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36This charity believe uniting through football
0:28:36 > 0:28:40is the answer to affirming identities and saving lives.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Politicians at Westminster will be watching
0:28:42 > 0:28:46to see if the beautiful game can break down barriers.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Pretty cool, huh?
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Thanks very much for watching Good News.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Goodnight, my friends. Goodnight and farewell.