0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains strong language.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Thank you.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Hello!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32And welcome to Good News!
0:00:32 > 0:00:33So, what's been happening?
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Over in America,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37they learned that Take Your Cat To Work Day is a bad idea.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41This cat has actually been entertaining us in the studio!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44LAUGHTER
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Is it me? Or did this bloke say what I think he did?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51You can see in the eyes,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54how thrilled they are to have in front of them...
0:00:54 > 0:00:56dickheads.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Don't you hate it when you forget how to end a sentence?
0:01:04 > 0:01:08But first, a look at her transition from actress to...actress...
0:01:13 > 0:01:15"Shite!"
0:01:15 > 0:01:18And finally, the award for most terrifying stare of the week
0:01:18 > 0:01:20has to go to this man.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Now, the big news of the week was Storm Desmond.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Three months' rainfall in not much more than a day
0:01:37 > 0:01:39and this was the result.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Schools, hospitals and transport networks grind to a close.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Thousands of homes are still without power.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49The Met Office says Storm Desmond has broken rainfall records
0:01:49 > 0:01:51dating back to the 19th century.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52There's just too much water.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01What we want to know - these floods cause such devastation.
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Why do we give them silly names? Storm Desmond!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09It sounds like a really shit member of the X-Men.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13"Behold, I am Storm Desmond!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15"This is my friend, Windy Dave!"
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Whoooooooa!
0:02:22 > 0:02:27They're always so naff, aren't they? Hurricane Edna, Monsoon Nigel.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29We don't do that with anything else.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32"I can't come in today, I've got Flu Margaret."
0:02:33 > 0:02:36I feel so sorry for the people affected by the floods.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Some lost their homes, some their businesses.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41One lady was so traumatised,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43she didn't notice someone nicking her kid.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46All the power went out and the pub was just in darkness.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50And getting back, all the taxis were not taking them on.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Now, one of the worst-affected places was the northern town of Cockermouth.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58That's...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00LAUGHTER
0:03:01 > 0:03:03That's how you pronounce it. Cockermouth.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05This isn't.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Katie Spencer had been over to Lancaster today. Um...
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Cocklemooth...
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Jesus. Still, at least she had a go.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Bill Turnbull thought it was so filthy,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17he couldn't even look the nation in the eyes.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Now, we're hoping to speak later to Jonty Chippendale,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23who runs a toy shop in the Cumbrian town of Cockermouth.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30So brilliant!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Now, talking of filth, if you're going to report on a biscuit factory,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35don't say this.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40The famous McVitie's factory here, that has been flooded.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Lots of soggy biscuits, no doubt, in there.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Mind you, British coverage was nothing.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Look how they reported it in Ireland.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52It's like something from the Apocalypse.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Don't make unnecessary journeys!
0:03:55 > 0:04:00Don't take risks on treacherous roads! And don't swim in the sea!
0:04:00 > 0:04:03"Don't swim in the sea!
0:04:03 > 0:04:09"Don't go hang gliding! Tell my family I love them!"
0:04:09 > 0:04:14She's like something out of Game Of Thrones. "Save yourself!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16"Winter is fucking coming!"
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Not that...
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Not that it was all bad news from Ireland. Did you hear about this?
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Did you see the picture? You have never seen joy like it.
0:04:32 > 0:04:37Look at his face! Look at that face!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40What I would say, if you want to find that picture,
0:04:40 > 0:04:44don't Google "woman making donkey happy". Don't do it.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Just don't do it.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Now, back in England, just when you think the situation can't get
0:04:49 > 0:04:52any worse for the flood victims, look who rocked up.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56This afternoon, the Prime Minister came to see the damage for himself.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Have they not suffered enough?!
0:04:59 > 0:05:02IN PLUMMY ACCENT: "Hello, Northerners.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06"I'm the one who cut the budget for flood defence in the first place.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10"Now, what's this I hear about a soggy biscuit?"
0:05:14 > 0:05:16The big political news of the week was this.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Labour has comfortably won the Oldham West & Royton by-election.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Jeremy Corbyn called it a vote of confidence in his party.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27If the result was relief for Labour, it was embarrassment for UKIP,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29with Mr Farage, left, alleging
0:05:29 > 0:05:32postal vote fraud and other irregularities.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Did you see why Nigel Farage reckoned UKIP didn't win?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Look what he said about the voters.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39They don't speak English.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44I mean, UKIP does not get votes from people who don't speak English.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Of course you don't! All you go on about is wanting them to leave.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50What a tit.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52HARRUMPHING: "Why won't they vote for me?
0:05:52 > 0:05:56"I went door to door for four hours and told every one of them
0:05:56 > 0:06:00"to fuck off, and this is how they repay me?!"
0:06:02 > 0:06:05My final political story is definitely my favourite.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07This is a good question for you.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Would you get hit by a Taser to raise money for charity?
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Yes, I would.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Check out what an American mayor did.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Agh! Don't! Don't!
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Ouch!
0:06:20 > 0:06:24The mayor of Glendale, Arizona, Jerry Weiers, did just that.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27He allowed an Arizona Coyotes fan
0:06:27 > 0:06:29to zap him during a fundraiser for the 100 Club.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32He got Tasered to raise money for charity.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I know a mayor...
0:06:37 > 0:06:39LAUGHTER
0:06:39 > 0:06:41We start a campaign
0:06:41 > 0:06:43to get Boris Johnson
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Tasered for charity.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Come on!
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Come on, come on.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57The world's so tense, mate. You can make a difference!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Come on, Boris.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I've already done an appeal video.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Dear Boris. Please get Tasered for charity.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Please get Tasered for charity.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I can't believe you're ignoring this, Boris.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Come on, think of the noises you'd make.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Who-wha-who-wha-who...
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Why do you hate me, Boris?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Come on, Boris. You'd look like a fried Womble.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27So, come on, let's get Boris Tasered.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29ELECTRICAL SPARKING
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Come on!
0:07:36 > 0:07:37This next story is great.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Did you hear about the massive crimewave
0:07:39 > 0:07:41sweeping through North Wales?
0:07:41 > 0:07:42You may remember last month,
0:07:42 > 0:07:46we told you about the theft of bees on Anglesey.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Well, this time, it's apples and plums in the Conwy Valley.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Fruit burglars have hit around a dozen gardens
0:07:52 > 0:07:54and orchards in five villages.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Only in Wales.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59IN WELSH ACCENT: "Hello, 999.
0:07:59 > 0:08:05"Some bastard's had my apples. Hang on, hang on. There's more here.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08"They've only gone and stolen the leaves.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10"What? Is it? Autumn. Oh."
0:08:15 > 0:08:19I love... I love how seriously they take this story.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I mean, look at the language this reporter uses.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25So, who's to blame? Well, all sorts of stories are doing the rounds.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29"It must be someone local," one person told me, "to know where all those apple trees are."
0:08:29 > 0:08:32"Oh, no," said another. "They've come in from away."
0:08:32 > 0:08:36But whoever it is, something sinister is afoot here.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Sinister?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41They've nicked Granny Smiths. They haven't summoned the Devil!
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Welsh ghost stories must be pretty tame.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47"And the children went into the orchard
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"and all the apples were gone!"
0:08:49 > 0:08:51A-A-Agh!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54"Instead, they had to cook rhubarb crumble."
0:08:54 > 0:08:58"Wa-a-ah! Stop it, Mum, I'm going to shit my pants!"
0:08:59 > 0:09:01"Tomorrow, I'll tell you the one about the pear
0:09:01 > 0:09:05"that was left in a schoolbag and went squidgy!"
0:09:05 > 0:09:09I love this story so much. They even got the police involved.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13It's a mystery why they are going after one fruit and not the other.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14We don't know at this stage
0:09:14 > 0:09:17what's going through the mind of the person
0:09:17 > 0:09:18who's stealing these fruits.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22I'll tell you what's going through their mind - they fancy an apple.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Just when you think it can't get any better,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27look who a local farmer blamed.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37"It was aliens."
0:09:37 > 0:09:40"Shall we harvest the Earth's minerals?"
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"No. Let's go scrumping.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49"Later on, we can watch the one they call Boris Johnson get Tasered!"
0:09:49 > 0:09:51WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Absolutely!
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Now, from aliens to a lovely little story from Bristol.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Now, if you've ever wondered what Avon & Somerset Police get up to
0:09:59 > 0:10:02each day, their officers are spending 24 hours
0:10:02 > 0:10:06tweeting about what they do and what sort of calls they deal with.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09So, are they getting phone calls about knife crimes and drug busts?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11No. This is so wonderful. I'm not making this up.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16This is a genuine call a man from the West Country made to the police.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "Don't laugh. I literally just got away.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41"I'm so lucky. That badger was on my arse.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45"Luckily, an alien appeared and started throwing apples at it."
0:10:46 > 0:10:48So apples, badgers - can it get madder?
0:10:48 > 0:10:52Yes, it can. Check out the latest advice being offered to police.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Witches?!
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Who did the crime, Esmeralda? "Eye of frog and wing of bees,
0:11:04 > 0:11:08"she sells pirate DVDs.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14"Hair of newt and crocodile smile,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"he looks like a paedophile."
0:11:24 > 0:11:30This next story is so ridiculous. Talk about first-world problems.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Children in English schools are some of the unhappiest in the world.
0:11:32 > 0:11:3610 and 12-year-olds in this country are less satisfied with their lives
0:11:36 > 0:11:38than those living in 13 other countries,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41including Ethiopia, Algeria and Romania.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43What?!
0:11:43 > 0:11:47British ten-year-olds are the most depressed in the world?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Christ, what are their playground jokes like?
0:11:49 > 0:11:50"Knock-knock." "Who's there?"
0:11:50 > 0:11:52"Does it matter? We're all going to die anyway."
0:11:58 > 0:12:01"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
0:12:01 > 0:12:02"To throw itself under a truck?"
0:12:07 > 0:12:09"How many kids does it take to change a light bulb?"
0:12:09 > 0:12:11"I'd rather sit in the dark."
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Depressed ten-year-olds. Do you know the maddest thing?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Look how the government want to fix this crisis.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25You can't teach happiness. It's an elusive beast.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28You'll never know what's going to bring you joy.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Most people's souls were warmed when they watched the John Lewis ad.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Me, this is the Christmas ad that made me happy.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39CHRISTMASSY MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:14 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:20APPLAUSE
0:13:27 > 0:13:30My guest tonight is a broadcaster who has done it all -
0:13:30 > 0:13:31radio, TV, producing,
0:13:31 > 0:13:34and his life has even been turned into a sitcom.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37My name's Danny Baker and I am the grand old man of broadcasting.
0:13:37 > 0:13:3930 years, man and boy.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42MUSIC: Rebel Rebel by David Bowie
0:13:44 > 0:13:46There's always people in this country trying to stop us
0:13:46 > 0:13:49doing what we're doing. Don't talk like that to me, right?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Get off the station or I'll call the police.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Don't you dare talk to me like that
0:13:52 > 0:13:54cos I'll come back when I'm not on telly!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59The one thing they've never, ever said to me is,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01"Dan, you are a sex symbol."
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Just one nutty animal, I guess.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome one of the most charming
0:14:13 > 0:14:17and intelligent men I've ever met, Danny Baker.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- CHEERING - Thank you, everybody. Thank you.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- Thank you for coming on the show. - No, no, praise from Caesar.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Straight away, what... When you were a young man
0:14:25 > 0:14:28and you were pushing that bloke, what was all that about?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32One of the dopey things we used to do on that show 30-odd years ago,
0:14:32 > 0:14:33asking people,
0:14:33 > 0:14:35"Oh, what do you say to your lover on Valentine's Day?"
0:14:35 > 0:14:37One of these things.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39And some bloke just... "Oh, telly people."
0:14:39 > 0:14:40And he just jumped in front of the camera
0:14:40 > 0:14:43and started going, "Right, you, you shut up and you..."
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Well, I ain't like that. I said, "Who are you fucking talking to?"
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Now, these days there would be forms filled in and all...
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Did you see that bit when I actually said, "I'll tell you what, mate,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55"I'll come back here when we ain't got cameras.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56"You talk to me like that..."
0:14:56 > 0:14:58That wasn't the only time.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I remember nearly throwing somebody over a wall.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05That volatile side of me has seen me walk off radio shows live on air,
0:15:05 > 0:15:09walk out of television shows just before broadcast.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11"See you, good night."
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I find that so odd about you
0:15:13 > 0:15:17because I think you're one of the most sort of euphoric men...
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Oh, I'm an absolute euphoric, that's the word.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23I know I can be annoyingly ebullient but that's all right.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Yes, I like to look up, not down.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29And my only thing in life is to be a good host.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31APPLAUSE
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I bet you're an amazing host. That's what I like about you.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35I remember when I did your radio show,
0:15:35 > 0:15:37you had a question on which was,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39"Tell us about the funniest or the strangest thing that's ever
0:15:39 > 0:15:41"happened in your attic."
0:15:41 > 0:15:43And you were making your way through people's houses.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I throw about nine subjects out and the great thing about the BBC,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49they leave you alone to come in and make it up, they don't ask me what
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I'm going to say and the BBC's about the only place that let you do that.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Last week it was, "Have you ever knocked your mum and dad out by accident?"
0:15:55 > 0:15:56And that's the thing.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59With radio, there's no point going on there and saying generic stuff.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03"What's your most embarrassing moment? What do you think about...?"
0:16:03 > 0:16:05No, say something that only about four or five people will be
0:16:05 > 0:16:08able to ring in about, but when they do,
0:16:08 > 0:16:10everyone's going to lean in and go, "What?"
0:16:10 > 0:16:12"What has become stuck to your grandmother?"
0:16:12 > 0:16:15And don't say your grandfather.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19So that kind of stuff, which is not the generic, hopefully...
0:16:19 > 0:16:21And I think that's your sort of gift,
0:16:21 > 0:16:26you have a real fondness of humanity and humanity's quirks.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28It certainly manifests itself in a respect for an audience.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31You don't want an audience to hear the same old stuff.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I think it's more than that, I think you're interested in people and...
0:16:34 > 0:16:37It's called conversation, Russell, that's all it is.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40There's this terrible thing these days on television, on radio,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43all the way through the media of saying, "We're here for YOU.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"YOU tell us what you think. We're YOUR show."
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Here, hang on, but you're getting paid for it. We're not.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50All they ask of someone on telly is to sit and go, "Do you know what?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"That's good, I wouldn't have thought of that.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55"That's why he's getting paid," and too often you don't see it.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I like that, I like that a lot.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03We have got questions from the audience,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06so I'm going to do these, but I need...
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- I can't be concise, I can't. - Try it.- All right, go on.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Right, if you were Prime Minister for a day,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13what law would you change?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I would make postage stamps flavoured.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19If you could pick three people to go on an all-day drinking session,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21who would you choose?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I think I might have done that, actually.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27It has been well-documented.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29If you could wake up in the body of someone else, who would it be?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Wake up in the body of somebody else, who would it be?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Me and my wife have got this thing
0:17:34 > 0:17:37and I think a lot of couples do it and I say to her,
0:17:37 > 0:17:42"Wend, you know if Jennifer Aniston rings up, boom, I'm gone. I'm gone."
0:17:42 > 0:17:45And she says... You know, Whatsit Downey Jr.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Robert Downey Jr. - And it's the same with him.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I think if I was Robert Downey Jr, I could even remove this
0:17:51 > 0:17:53minuscule worry from our life.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54How romantic is that?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57The idea that you would be Robert Downey Jr
0:17:57 > 0:17:59just to seduce your wife.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04- That means you're in love. - It might give her a break but...
0:18:04 > 0:18:08That's just so sweet. You could do anything.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10"Right, I must go home and make love to my wife."
0:18:10 > 0:18:11A lot of people don't do that.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14No-one's done that because no-one's ever been Robert...
0:18:14 > 0:18:17"I can see the way you're looking at her," but it's not going to happen.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19That'll be you shagging Jennifer Aniston
0:18:19 > 0:18:21and it'll probably turn out to be your wife.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- "She'll do," I said. - Two more. What's on your bucket list?
0:18:23 > 0:18:27- Nothing.- OK.- To tell the truth... - LAUGHTER
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- I had... No, there ain't. - OK, but you're still talking.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I wonder when I'll find out what that's like.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Let me just say this, I know you're out of time.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46I got shot twice in one night - shot! Shot in Jamaica Road.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Shot in Jamaica Road? - Shot in Jamaica Road.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- Is that a euphemism, or...? - No, no, shot.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53All right, very quickly, just for us. Then we'll finish.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I was coming down in 1976 and as I'm walking down Jamaica Road,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59there was about nine of us, we've all had a couple.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02This bottle-green Rover passes us, no other traffic.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04This car goes by and I hear...
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I hear that. And I remember thinking,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09"They say you never hear the shot that kills you,"
0:19:09 > 0:19:11so at least I knew I weren't going to die, cos I heard that.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13But it wasn't an air pistol but it wasn't a proper bullet,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16it was them ones in between. Like a long slab with a feather on the end.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20They're really vicious and it hit me in the knee. I went, "Oh! Oh!"
0:19:21 > 0:19:24All me mates are walking along and I said, "I've been shot."
0:19:24 > 0:19:26They went, "What?"
0:19:26 > 0:19:28The blood was there and I said, "I've been shot."
0:19:28 > 0:19:31They were like, "Baker's been shot, come back."
0:19:32 > 0:19:36I've seen this feather sticking out and I'm going like this, Russell,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I'm try to pull it.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I said, "That car going towards the Rotherhithe Tunnel."
0:19:40 > 0:19:43West Ham supporters did use to come round south London
0:19:43 > 0:19:45and fire at Millwall supporters.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47We didn't have Nintendo in them days, all right?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52I'm pulling this thing out. What we didn't know is that
0:19:52 > 0:19:54as you get to Rotherhithe Tunnel, there's a roundabout.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56The car has hit the roundabout,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59now is coming up the other side of the road.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01All the car can see is this.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I swear to God, at 30mph, you've got to admire it.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Now, if you think your mates laugh when you've been shot in the knee...
0:20:09 > 0:20:12You snap up like a straight razor cos you've been shot in the arse.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13"Oh!"
0:20:14 > 0:20:16They said, "What happened?"
0:20:16 > 0:20:19You know, I went home and you kind of put a sticking plaster
0:20:19 > 0:20:21on in the mirror cos you ain't doing it right
0:20:21 > 0:20:24and I've still got the scar there and I've got the scar on me arse.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28So all I'm saying is, when you were saying about, "Can you shut up?"
0:20:28 > 0:20:29There's a lot to say.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33I'm going to keel over and die one day, as is the audience.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Anyway, that is the engine that powers me.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39There we go, ladies and gentlemen, we could listen to him all night.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41The wonderful Danny Baker.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43CHEERING
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Did you hear about this mental scientific breakthrough?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Pigeons may be able to help detect breast cancer.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56What?!
0:20:56 > 0:21:00"Ooh, excuse me.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02"Your boobs.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03"They're bad.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06"You need doctors. You need to check your boobs.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08"They've got...
0:21:08 > 0:21:10"I'm trying to help you.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14"Boobs, you need doctors.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16"Aaah!"
0:21:16 > 0:21:19HIGH-PITCHED, MUFFLED COMPLAINING
0:21:19 > 0:21:23"I'm trying to help you, what is wrong with people?
0:21:24 > 0:21:28"She won't be told, she won't be flipping told.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30"Have you got any bread, at least?"
0:21:31 > 0:21:35This story is so weird - look how they found this out.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Researchers from the University of Iowa have trained a pigeon
0:21:38 > 0:21:40to read mammograms.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Surprisingly, many of the birds were able to tell
0:21:42 > 0:21:46the difference between cancer and benign breast tissue.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48They trained them to read mammograms.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Read them yourselves, you lazy shits!
0:21:51 > 0:21:55What's next? Getting meerkats to do CPR? Just...
0:21:55 > 0:21:56"Clear.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59"Clear.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00"Clear."
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Pigeons can detect cancer?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I'm not sure birds are as clever as they think they are.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Goodbye, little bird.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12THUD, LAUGHTER
0:22:15 > 0:22:18That wasn't the only story that freaked me out.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Did you hear about William Shakespeare? This is fascinating.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23An interesting discovery about William Shakespeare.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Yes, THAT William Shakespeare.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- The Bard.- Forensic testing of... The Bard. ..of his 400-year-old pipes
0:22:28 > 0:22:30suggest the great English poet, playwright
0:22:30 > 0:22:32and actor may have smoked more than tobacco
0:22:32 > 0:22:35because South African scientists found the presence of cannabis,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37suggesting he may have been high
0:22:37 > 0:22:39when he wrote some of his famous works.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Yeah, apparently Shakespeare smoked pot.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46"DOOBIE or not DOOBIE...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51"What was the question?"
0:22:56 > 0:23:00"Romeo, Romeo, oh, Romeo, Romeo, Romeo...
0:23:01 > 0:23:03"Romeo.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05"You got the number for Domino's?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12"O serpent heart hid with a flowering face!
0:23:12 > 0:23:16"Did ever a dragon keep so fair a cave?
0:23:16 > 0:23:17"Fuck, I am baked."
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Finally tonight,
0:23:24 > 0:23:28a heart-warming story about a teacher who's also a brilliant dad.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31HE MIMICS AN ALARM
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Test question alert.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I've never had a teacher like him at all.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40He is the epitome of what I think a teacher should be.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43There's no room for napping cos you're learning.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47This guy is just crazy, he's exploding with fun.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- EXPLOSION - Ohh!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52He said, "I couldn't care less about Newton's third law.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55"I want to teach something for you to take outside of school."
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Abbie is perfect in every way.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00She's 15 going on 25, I love her to death.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03When Adam came along, all of a sudden a boy pops out
0:24:03 > 0:24:06and I'm thinking, "Wow, this is cool.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08"Now I've got a girl and a boy," and all the dreams of,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10"Wow, I'm to be going to football games,
0:24:10 > 0:24:12"I'm going to be going to baseball games."
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Whatever it be, yeah, I'm going to be there for my little buddy.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18He was born with something called Joubert syndrome,
0:24:18 > 0:24:22only 417 people in the whole world have it.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24I have a completely intelligent little boy,
0:24:24 > 0:24:26but he can't control what his body does,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28even though his body's completely functional.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31The fact that right now your butt's on that chair,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33your butt tells your brain which way up is.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34His brain doesn't do that.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39One day, I went to her room and she had Adam in the middle of all
0:24:39 > 0:24:42of her dolls and I'm thinking, "What are you doing?"
0:24:42 > 0:24:45She said, "Playing with my little brother."
0:24:45 > 0:24:49I'm thinking, "He doesn't know how to play."
0:24:49 > 0:24:51She said, "Adam," she said, like,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54"Hand me a doll," or something and he just smacked it.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58And I'm thinking, "Wait a minute, if he smacked that, he can see.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00"When did you find out he can see?"
0:25:00 > 0:25:03"I don't know, he just started smacking dolls."
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I'm thinking, "Holy mackerel."
0:25:05 > 0:25:07And so then we started working with him
0:25:07 > 0:25:09and trying to teach him a little sign language
0:25:09 > 0:25:12and there was nothing more incredible
0:25:12 > 0:25:14than the day you see this.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19What's that mean?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21"Daddy, I love you."
0:25:21 > 0:25:23So cool. That's when I knew
0:25:23 > 0:25:26I didn't care about HOW things worked any more,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29it's the reason WHY things work, it's because of love.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33That's what makes it all the why we exist.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36So in that great big universe that we have with all those stars,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39who cares? Well, somebody cares about you a lot.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44And as long as we care about each other, that's where we go from here.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- I didn't know that was going to happen.- I know, it's hard, hard.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50You said "play", right?
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Huh?
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Did you say "play"?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55You did?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58What do you want to play? Huh?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00What do you want to play?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Ha-ha-ha!
0:26:07 > 0:26:08APPLAUSE
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Thanks very much for watching Good News.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Good night, my friends, good night.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE