0:00:02 > 0:00:12This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Hello.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Hello. Hello.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Hello and welcome to my compilation show.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35This is where I get a chance to show you my best bits as well as some previously unseen material.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Best bits sounds like I'm going to show you my nipples
0:00:37 > 0:00:40and stuff like that. I won't. But I really hope you enjoy it.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Did you see Bill Clinton talking about his penis surgery?
0:00:43 > 0:00:47I have to admit I am stunned by the results.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51There was an 88% reduction.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53LAUGHTER
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Why the reduction, Jeremy?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Literally shagged out, I suppose.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I tell you what, it is easy to get lost in the White House.
0:01:01 > 0:01:08Tonight, after nearly 100 years of talk and frustration...
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Oh.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12What a week he's had.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17Passes the healthcare bill, reduces nuclear weapons - well done, Obama.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Sorry.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Mr Long-Legged-Mad-Daddy.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28So, the election campaign has finally kicked off.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I tell you, people will do anything to get out of talking about it.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35- REPORTER:- Who do you trust to get a bit more out of the public sector
0:01:35 > 0:01:38when there's not so much money around - Labour or the Tories?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Oh, Labour. Oh, here's our bus, we've been waiting half an hour.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Did anyone see Adam Boulton's Jedward joke?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51It absolutely died.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55I don't think any of the leaders would necessarily want to be
0:01:55 > 0:01:57compared to the Jedwards?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02If you are watching tonight...
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I don't know what's been going on.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08The reporters have been in a funny mood. If you look closely,
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Dermot Murnaghan appears to be giving someone to his left a hand job.
0:02:12 > 0:02:17Britain's entire airspace shut down for the first time in living memory.
0:02:17 > 0:02:22To be honest, everyone does that on telly - right, mate?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24All right, Steve!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Last week, TV history was made.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32It is the first time in a British election campaign
0:02:32 > 0:02:35that the contenders for the post of Prime Minister
0:02:35 > 0:02:37have agreed to a televised debate.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Did you watch it? Was it me?
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Or were Cameron and Clegg having a battle to see who was the most widely travelled?
0:02:43 > 0:02:44I was in Plymouth recently.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I met a young man in London...
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I went to a Hull police station the other day.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I was in a...hospital.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51I have been to Afghanistan.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56- I was in Burnley.- China.- Sweden. - Crosby.- Canada.- Iran.- Australia.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57I even went to a drug rehab.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01I went to a rehab clinic - deal with that!
0:03:01 > 0:03:03And when they weren't doing that, they were just doodling.
0:03:03 > 0:03:073,000 more police officers on the streets.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10The risk to the economy is Labour's proposal of a jobs tax.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15I think we should all be so used to tough talk from different parties...
0:03:15 > 0:03:18We have their note pads. This is Gordon Brown's.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21LAUGHTER
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Cameron was just fantasising.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26LAUGHTER
0:03:26 > 0:03:30And Clegg, well, he was just drawing himself.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Now, I'm going to have to swallow humble pie.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39For the past two weeks I have been taking the mickey
0:03:39 > 0:03:42and he's come from nowhere to be a major part of the election.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46In fact, some papers are calling him the British Barack Obama.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Sorry.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Mr Long-Legged-Cleggy-Weggy.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Do you know who I feel sorry for, the people who have to judge it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Each person was given an electronic voting pad
0:04:02 > 0:04:04with keys numbered 1 to 5.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08They pressed 5 if they loved what they heard and 1 if they hated it.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11And the result as you can see is this on-screen worm.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15They lock people in a room and make them twist dials. You'd get so bored.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18If I had the dials, the worm would look like this.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22I ask people throughout society to take responsibility
0:04:22 > 0:04:25but you can't run the Health Service on a DIY principle.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27You've got to finance it properly. I just ask you...
0:04:27 > 0:04:33LAUGHTER COVERS SPEECH
0:04:33 > 0:04:37You have a culture of jobs for life. Hundreds of MPs
0:04:37 > 0:04:40from the Conservative Party to the Labour Party,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43to old parties who basically know
0:04:43 > 0:04:47that all they need to do every four or five years is get the vote...
0:04:47 > 0:04:50The debate itself was quite dry.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Although at one stage, Cameron got really pervy.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55We need to grip it very, very hard.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Do you like to grip it hard?
0:04:59 > 0:05:00You are damn right I do!
0:05:00 > 0:05:03LAUGHTER
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Gordon, he had no time for such filth.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09He was too busy pretending to be David Gray.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15# Let go your heart Let go your head
0:05:15 > 0:05:19# Babylon. #
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Brown struggled in the debate. Do you know why?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Because he smiled.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31His smile is so unnatural, every time he does it, a fairy dies.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35They are not ready for Government - they have not thought through their policies.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40But it's up to the people to decide and it's your decision.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Argh!
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Why?!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Why?!
0:05:56 > 0:06:00In Ohio there have been reports of bears in people's gardens.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03The black bear was roaming through Tina's backyard.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05The operator said, "What is your emergency?"
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I said, "You won't believe this. But they are in my woods"
0:06:08 > 0:06:09She said, "A black bear."
0:06:09 > 0:06:12The best thing about this story is how they convey
0:06:12 > 0:06:16the sheer terror of seeing a black bear in your garden.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20This identifies how witnesses say the bear escaped into the woods.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23APPLAUSE
0:06:23 > 0:06:25It's unbelievable, isn't it?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27He can even climb trees.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Black bears can be on the ground or can climb in trees.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34This is so brilliantly shit.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Mind you, it isn't just in America that animals have gone wild.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Even here in Britain we are under siege.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43It sort of jumps up at people and tries to peck them.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Chasing people with dogs if they're walking along the street.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49It goes for you with its beak and its claws.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Oh, my God.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53What kind of beast is this?
0:06:53 > 0:06:57For weeks, a rogue pheasant has been terrorising the people of Newsham.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Terrorising? What is he doing - throwing his eggs at them?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03"You looking at my plumage, bender?"
0:07:03 > 0:07:07It just kept coming back at me and pecking at me.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09It took a bite out of this leg.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11"He had a knife, he had a knife!
0:07:11 > 0:07:15"He was probably on drugs. Wacky backy!"
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I shouldn't joke. I saw one in my garden last week.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29What's been happening here in the UK?
0:07:30 > 0:07:35A policeman has stolen a Henry Hoover during a drugs bust.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I can't wait to see this on Crimewatch, just a blacked-out Henry.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40"It was awful.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43"He made me have a threesome with a Dyson!"
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Maybe the copper was trying to rescue Henry
0:07:47 > 0:07:50from the squalor of a drugs den.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Then again, maybe Henry loved it.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55# I was gonna clean my room Until I got high
0:08:03 > 0:08:07# Because I got high Because I got high... #
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Now, this next story is my favourite of the week.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14It is actually unbelievable.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19Leprechauns in Northern Ireland are granted heritage status by Europe.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Plants, wild animals and leprechauns - ie little people -
0:08:23 > 0:08:24are protected in this area.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Protected leprechauns!
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Are the leprechauns going, "You touch me and you'll be in jail"?!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36"Nobody wants to be in prison for touching a little person."
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Apparently, the leprechauns are celebrating by going to Alton Towers.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44But they can't go on any of the rides!
0:08:44 > 0:08:49You can probably pick out lots of families coming back down
0:08:49 > 0:08:52from these Cooley Mountains, just above Carlingford to my left.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55They have been in the National Leprechaun Hunt.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57What?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Why, are they like foxes?
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Posh people go, "You should hear them shagging against my bins!
0:09:03 > 0:09:07"It's all bejesus and begorrah and feck and potato
0:09:07 > 0:09:11"and Guinness and Dara O'Briain."
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Let's be honest, that is one hunt you'd kill to go on.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20You could capture them by using the ginger one from Girls Aloud as bait.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23"This way, my tiny pretties."
0:09:23 > 0:09:26# Round, round, baby Round, round... #
0:09:29 > 0:09:33That's my impression of... That's the Sugababes!
0:09:39 > 0:09:40One second, what do they sing?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Sound Of The Underground.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44# It's the sound of the underground... #
0:09:44 > 0:09:46And you have captured some leprechauns.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49How are they going to show a leprechaun on the news?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Adam Boulton hates his cameraman.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59See that man there, he is a real A-hole!
0:10:03 > 0:10:08Why is Peter Mandelson so pleased with his new secretary?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Much tighter. Much, much tighter.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I love the Grand National.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20It is one of the few days in the year when you get to feel like a real man.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24I'm going down the bookies to put some money on a horse!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Then I'm going to come back and make you pregnant, that's right.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29You are dealing with a real man!
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Then you get into the bookies and it is terrifying, isn't it?
0:10:33 > 0:10:39Huge men, made to look even bigger because they are holding tiny pens.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41LAUGHTER
0:10:41 > 0:10:45The pens are, like, "I should be working in Argos!"
0:10:47 > 0:10:50It is terrifying. You are surrounded by these Goliaths.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53You try and put on a manly voice, but all that topples out of your mouth...
0:10:53 > 0:10:55SQUEAKY VOICE: "Good day, Sir!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58"I'm here to put some money on a horsey-worsey."
0:10:58 > 0:11:01"Do you want it each-way?"
0:11:01 > 0:11:03"Oh! Do the horses come back?"
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Now, did you see Ladies' Day?
0:11:06 > 0:11:10You have never seen so much fake tan in your life.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Look at that.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16No wonder the horses wear blinkers.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I bet the jockeys are like that,
0:11:18 > 0:11:22"Don't look lad, it's like Morph in a boob tube!"
0:11:24 > 0:11:29Talking of the jockeys, could anybody understand a word they said?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Took a bit of a chance...
0:11:31 > 0:11:34INDISTINCT
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Eh?
0:11:35 > 0:11:40The novices have been to Cheltenham and Sizing Europe wasn't coming...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43INDISTINCT
0:11:43 > 0:11:45No idea.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I think this next one is on heat.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50How does it make you feel thinking you have got a chance?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Hopefully, it will be better than sex.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54You heard him!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57He said...sor-de-bor-de-da...
0:11:57 > 0:11:59De-jeb-edee-bo-ba...
0:11:59 > 0:12:05For me, let's be honest, the best thing about the National is when you see a horse riding on its own.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Vic Venturi, Comply Or Die...
0:12:07 > 0:12:09LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I love that bit. Just imagine them at the end.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14"I've won! I've won!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16"Tony?
0:12:18 > 0:12:19"Tony?
0:12:21 > 0:12:22"Tony!"
0:12:22 > 0:12:26"I knew we should have used Sellotape!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30"Anybody seen Tony?!"
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I tell you what, I am glad I didn't go to THIS school.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42School-children between 10 and 14 years were forced to walk on
0:12:42 > 0:12:44broken glass pieces and burning coal.
0:12:44 > 0:12:49All this was done with the school administration's permission.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53The aim was a scientific experiment to boost self-confidence
0:12:53 > 0:12:55amongst the children.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00They are making kids walk on broken glass and hot coals to boost their confidence!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03That'll work(!)
0:13:03 > 0:13:06SOBBING: "I'm a confident little man."
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Poor sod.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Then again maybe the kids loved it.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Before they walked on the coals, they popped beefburgers under their feet.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Although it is India, so I doubt they were beef.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Imagine the cows in the field?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28ENGLISH ACCENT: "Smells like somebody's burning us.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31"I thought we were sacred!" The other cow would be like,
0:13:31 > 0:13:35INDIAN ACCENT: "Why are you speaking in that accent?"
0:13:40 > 0:13:45This story is a bit safer because I was on telly and people normally get freaked out.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50"Never sell your culture down the river!"
0:13:50 > 0:13:53"There's nothing wrong with me, I'm doing the voice.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56"Nobody finds this awkward at all, do you?"
0:13:56 > 0:13:59ENGLISH ACCENT: "You sound a little bit Welsh?"
0:13:59 > 0:14:00"No, I don't sound Welsh.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06"I'm an Indian cow and there is no problem with that."
0:14:06 > 0:14:08"Why are your hands like that?"
0:14:08 > 0:14:10"I don't know why my hands -
0:14:10 > 0:14:13"just finish the joke and get out of my face."
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Now, did you see this?
0:14:20 > 0:14:26A female motorist has had an amazing escape after her car became attached to a truck's bumper.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29It was unbelievable. Did you see the mobile phone footage?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43This was the A1 in Yorkshire. Incredibly, nobody was hurt.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Even more incredibly, I have got footage from inside the lorry.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49MUSIC BLARES
0:14:49 > 0:14:53LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:07I joke, of course. There's been loads of bizarre stories this week.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Have you seen what the National Trust have been up to?
0:15:10 > 0:15:15So proud are they of their fresh air here at the Stourhead Estate
0:15:15 > 0:15:20in Wiltshire, the National Trust has gathered hundreds of jars of the stuff and taken it up to London
0:15:20 > 0:15:23to impress the stressed-out city population.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28They are giving away jars of country air to stressed city workers.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29I'd love to see that.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Country air.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Mmm.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Incest!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Mmm.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Casual racism!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Mmm!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43(Dogging!)
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Have you seen the experts discussing it?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52If you look closely, she might be sniffing her hair.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57You can smell spring and summer coming through in the air and it is just a very peaceful place.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01How can you relieve stress with a jar of air?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- HE CACKLES - I know, I booked it, Prague, Prague!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07It will be mental, mate.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Mental, mental, chicken oriental.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Don't talk to...
0:16:16 > 0:16:19It's refreshing to hear a positive food story.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Usually when you go through the papers there's things like
0:16:22 > 0:16:26"Bacon will kill you", "If you drink red wine, you will die",
0:16:26 > 0:16:28"Chips will rape your dog!"
0:16:28 > 0:16:32The Daily Mail is the worst. Every day, there is a different fear-mongering story.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Have you seen how many things they genuinely claim could lead to cancer?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39It is absolutely ridiculous.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- So, what else has been going down? - The Duchess of Cornwall
0:17:26 > 0:17:30is recovering after breaking her left leg while out hillwalking
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- in Scotland.- Don't laugh. LAUGHTER
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Poor Camilla has broken her leg. We have got footage
0:17:37 > 0:17:39of her being airlifted to safety.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42LAUGHTER
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Wow, did you hear about this church in America?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55A religious controversy is swirling around a church.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Some say a giant painting of Christ hanging in the sanctuary
0:17:59 > 0:18:03of St Charles Borromeo Catholic Church is obscene.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Check out their rage.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10I feel that it is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12I feel that it is pornographic.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16So, why exactly are they getting so worked up?
0:18:16 > 0:18:21Some worshippers there say the painting merely depicts Christ with muscles in his abdomen.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Others see something different.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29Christ's genitalia are obviously very exposed.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33They are saying it is his stomach muscles.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36If you have muscles like that, you would never leave the gym.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I tell you what, that would change the prayers - in the name of the Father, the Son
0:18:40 > 0:18:45and the...Holy Shit! It will definitely change the musical.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49# Jesus Christ, circumcise A dick from his hips
0:18:49 > 0:18:51# Stretching to his eyes. #
0:18:58 > 0:19:01No wonder he hung out with the disciples. If he had a dick that big,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04he would need 12 men to carry it.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09"Lads, this is not going in the book, right?
0:19:09 > 0:19:14"No point where we carry a dick. Judas, I'm looking at you."
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Can we look at the photo again? Do you know who I feel sorry for?
0:19:18 > 0:19:25Those two blokes. Just there for eternity looking at his rod.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Did you see Adam Boulton boasting on Sky News?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Less excitably, ordinary voters...
0:19:31 > 0:19:34To be honest, he probably didn't know it was there,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36producers are always doing that.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Something in my teeth?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Now, bad news for Danish alcoholics.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55A strike has ended in the Carlsberg Brewery in Denmark.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59The workers are trying to protect a time-honoured tradition - get this -
0:19:59 > 0:20:03to be able to drink beer while working!
0:20:03 > 0:20:07This is right. Workers are striking because they are no longer allowed
0:20:07 > 0:20:09to get pissed at work.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14Wouldn't you love to see that strike? "What do we want?" "Er..."
0:20:15 > 0:20:19"When do we want it?" "I love you."
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Apparently, everyone in the factory was drinking.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Line workers, shift workers, cleaners. Even Hoovers were at it.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46You should have seen him the morning after.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50AUDIENCE: Ugh!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55There's a new craze in America for dogs.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57We have all heard of yoga but what about doga?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00The pooch-friendly craze is the latest fad
0:21:00 > 0:21:02sweeping the Zen-seeking dog-lovers world.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05That's right, it's dog yoga. Ridiculous!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Nobody wants to see their dog like this.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09LAUGHTER
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Dogs don't need yoga to relax. Now, here's my dog.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17That's me and Arch, right? AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:21:17 > 0:21:22Don't "aww" - that beast! Do you know that the beast does to relax?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24He shags my shoes, right?
0:21:24 > 0:21:29And the creepiest thing is, he watches me while he does it.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33He doesn't concentrate on the shoes, he looks up.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39I'm trying to watch the telly, he's like...
0:21:39 > 0:21:42"Go in the hall!" "No..."
0:21:42 > 0:21:46"You like an audience. I like an audience."
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Honestly, he can't get enough of shoes. If I took him to a Foot Locker
0:21:50 > 0:21:52he'd probably rip his cock off.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56The other day I had to hurry him past a mosque.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59LAUGHTER
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Imagine explaining that! "All right, guys? Having a good day?"
0:22:02 > 0:22:04And he's balls deep in their sandals.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07You think dog yoga is weird, look at this.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12They're now making canine anti-depressants.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Exactly why? Are dogs ringing the Samaritans?
0:22:15 > 0:22:16"Hello..."
0:22:18 > 0:22:19WHINES LIKE A DOG
0:22:20 > 0:22:23The other day I barely had the energy to lick my own balls.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Dogs don't need Prozac. They're naturally optimistic.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31They hang out with the homeless and they fucking love it.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33You've seen them - "this is brilliant!
0:22:33 > 0:22:36"This is living! Boys on tour!"
0:22:38 > 0:22:42"Boys on tour! Look! A shoe, a shoe!"
0:22:42 > 0:22:46You would never ever see a tramp with a cat. Can you imagine?
0:22:46 > 0:22:51"Well I think I can safely say you fucked up both our lives."
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Mr Tiddles... "Don't you Mr Tiddles me!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00"My mother warned me about you.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04"If you want me, I'll be burying my turds."
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16There's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out
0:23:16 > 0:23:19who that person is. So please welcome our mystery guest.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22APPLAUSE
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- Hey Russell, how are you? - I'm very well.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- All the better for meeting you. - Take a seat.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41It feels like a slightly creepy Narnia at the minute.
0:23:41 > 0:23:46- It's all right, I'm not an evil witch.- I'm not saying you're an evil bitch at all.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- No, witch!- Witch. I didn't say that either.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50LAUGHTER
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Don't take this wrong, but instantly I'm thinking cider.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- Kind of.- Yeah, cos cider's been in the news and you look...
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- Are you trying to say I'm a pisshead?- No, I'm not saying that.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11You look like you've got a tattoo there.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I've had experiences with a tattooed lady before.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Is it to do with the art world at all?- Slightly.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21- I could give you a little clue. - Go on.- "I'll be back,"
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- by Arnold Schwarzenegger. - You'll be back?- Mm.
0:24:24 > 0:24:30You must be the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator ever!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Can you stop sitting like that cos I can't stop looking at your nuts.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Is that all right? Let's just cover them bad boys up.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Look at this, it looks a bit like Bill and Ben gone sexy!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Want to know why I've been in the news?
0:24:45 > 0:24:49I'd love to know why you've been in the news this week.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- Oi, oi! - WOLF WHISTLES
0:25:05 > 0:25:10Why I've been in the news this week is because I'm 75 years old.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14I'm going to be the oldest wrestler ever to wrestle.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- And it's going in the Guinness Book Of Records.- Fantastic.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- Do you want to be the referee? - I'd love to.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- Who you fighting?- Johnny Saint.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27- Aww, he's good.- Have you heard of him?- I haven't but I've seen him on the bus.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29What are you frightened of?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Johnny Saint and you.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Can I be in your corner? I'd like that. That'd be fun, man.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Bit of water, Werthers, bit of water, Werthers.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Don't, don't, don't!
0:25:45 > 0:25:49So what brings you to England? It's something to do with buildings?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52You don't see anything, something on the news?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- Well...- You're not watching the news? - I am watching a lot of it.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- You hate TV, right?- I love TV. - You hate it.- I hate TV(!)
0:25:57 > 0:26:02Come on, you would know why I was on the news last week.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- I didn't see, you know, I didn't. - Fuck.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Oh, that's very nice!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Oh!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Oh, you sexy little bastard!
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Oh!
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Oh! Oh! If I was a woman I'd bang you right now!
0:26:32 > 0:26:33LAUGHTER
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Ooh! Struggling!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Oh! Wouldn't like to be you right now!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Come on! Be fair!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Fair enough.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55GIGGLING
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Oh...!
0:27:01 > 0:27:05- Who are you?- Because I'm only one female darts player
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- competing against men.- Fantastic! You made that sound grand
0:27:09 > 0:27:10like man in general!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13So why are you in the news this week in particular? What do you do?
0:27:13 > 0:27:18Because I did climb GDF in Paris, six days ago.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22It's the third tallest building in Paris.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Well, in France.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I'm the world's top freestyle footballer.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29I was in the Metro, I had an article on me about what I've done,
0:27:29 > 0:27:33what I've achieved, where I've been and my plans for the future.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37That is wonderful. It's a pleasure to meet you. Indeed, that was a whoop.
0:27:38 > 0:27:44Ladies and gentleman, please give it up for my mystery guest!
0:27:50 > 0:27:53We've had some bizarre explanations for the recession.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Have you heard the latest? Apparently it's all down to porn.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00A new report obtained by ABC News reveals that some top government
0:28:00 > 0:28:05officials responsible for policing Wall Street have a staggering
0:28:05 > 0:28:10obsession with pornography, spending hour after hour surfing porn sites
0:28:10 > 0:28:11on their government computers.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14They said the bankers were blind not to see the recession.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16And now we know why.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18I've figured out how to stop this.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21We've reconfigured their laptops so that every time they look at porn
0:28:21 > 0:28:24this happens. SIREN BLARES
0:28:31 > 0:28:33I was on Google.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Apparently everyone in the office was looking at porn.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40The accountants, the CEOs, the cleaners. Even the Hoovers.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43LAUGHTER
0:28:43 > 0:28:46WOMAN GROANING
0:28:49 > 0:28:52AUDIENCE: Ugh! LAUGHTER
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Filthy red little bastard!
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Thanks so much for watching my series and join me next time.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Take care, see ya.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04APPLAUSE