0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Hello. Thank you very much.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Hello! Welcome back to Good News.
0:00:31 > 0:00:36Every week, I'll be scouring the news for weird and wonderful stories to make you laugh.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39So, what does reporter John Craig want for his birthday?
0:00:39 > 0:00:40A couple of big buts.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44He cannot lie.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47But what does he want those butts to do?
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I'm pretty sure someone spiked Glenn Beck's coffee.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Lawnmowers, that magically created 50 jobs!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01GARBLES
0:01:01 > 0:01:05But I love it when reporters lose it.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Staying and doing nothing is as heinous as doing it all.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19It's just the most beautiful face you've ever seen.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Did you see Bill Clinton talking about his penis surgery?
0:01:22 > 0:01:27I have to admit, I am stunned by the results.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30There has been an 88% reduction.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Why the reduction, Jeremy?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Literally shagged-out, I suppose. Goodnight.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43My favourite clip of the week has to be this. Nobody saw this coming.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48With me is the organiser, who goes by the name of Oscar Mouse.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I'm assuming, Oscar, a made-up name.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Made-up name? No, my dad was a bastard.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00So, obviously the big political story of the year
0:02:00 > 0:02:03will be the General Election. But who to vote for?
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Everywhere I go, people say the same thing to me.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Who are you?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12You could go for Cameron.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13If the next election is about
0:02:13 > 0:02:16"let's not have a posh Prime Minister," I won't win it.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Damn right.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Jesus, have you seen his skin?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22The man is so wrinkle-free,
0:02:22 > 0:02:27I bet his scrotum looks like Amanda Holden's forehead.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30God bless the Tories,
0:02:30 > 0:02:35they genuinely thought this poster would bring success.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38We disagreed. We took one look at it and we took the piss.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52This, without doubt, was my personal favourite...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Or you could go for Gordon Brown.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Poor old Gordon. Look at that photo.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10His face looks like Eeyore has had a prolapse.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13They're always trying to make him smile.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Don't - look at it!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18A smile doesn't belong on his face.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22It's like seeing Marilyn Manson on a bouncy castle.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26He really needs to ease up on using the word good.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- You got a job today?- Yep. - When do you start?
0:03:29 > 0:03:30I'm going for my induction next week.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- Good. Good.- Couple of weeks, I'll be starting work.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- Good.- What?- Gardening and cleaning work.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Good. Good.- What made the difference finding a job?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41It just feels good to be getting back into work.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Good. Good. Good.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Did you have help from the JobCentre to get the job?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Looking for work advisors.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- Good. Good. And they're being good to you here?- Yeah.- That's good.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Did you see the recent Brown and Cameron interviews?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57If he thinks I'm going to come bearing sweeties,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59then he's in for a bit of a surprise.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03He's about to face the biggest challenge of his career.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Yeah, you gave him a battering.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Do you have your own private loo?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Slam.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14How childish is that? "Do you have special poo place?"
0:04:15 > 0:04:17The questions, unbelievably, got even tougher.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21When was last time you went to your supermarket?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Have you ever been a plonker?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27It's just... It's so vapid.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31What's frustrating, Brown could have won the nation so easily just by going,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"Piers, can you stop talking for a minute because
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"every time you open your mouth I can smell Simon Cowell's dick."
0:04:39 > 0:04:41High-fiving everyone in the studio.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43It wasn't just Gordon.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Cameron faced the wrath of another media heavyweight.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56X Factor or Strictly? Fish and chips or curry?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Coronation Street or EastEnders?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02"Would you like a Scotch egg for a face or sausages for fingers?"
0:05:04 > 0:05:06It's just so inane. What's Nick Clegg going to do?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Go on Loose Women?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"How big's your willy?" "When's the last time you did it?"
0:05:10 > 0:05:12"Do you like blondes or brunettes?"
0:05:12 > 0:05:16I tell you, he'd win my vote if he went on there with a hammer.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20But then that's just me.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24To be honest, I'd vote for any of them that shot this guy.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27# Go compare! Go compare! #
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Or pay a meerkat to do it.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45This new advert today, we have the big fat "Go Compare man".
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Lock and load, tubby.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Lock and load.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56There have been some strange goings-on in the animal kingdom.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I think cats have got it in for us.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Oscar the cat, who lives in a nursing home in Rhode Island,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting
0:06:05 > 0:06:07when patients are about to die.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11A cat that predicts death, wow!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Mine just likes to lick his own arse.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Or scare me, the ginger bastard.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19The other day I woke up with him on my face, terrifying.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I thought I'd gone down on Anne Robinson.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25That is no way to wake up.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27SCREAMS
0:06:30 > 0:06:33What I want to know, how does Oscar predict their deaths?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Are there other cats going, "Fancy going through the bins?"
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"In a minute.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42"Pneumonia, cancer, strangle wank."
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Good day to you, sir!
0:06:45 > 0:06:49...five other cats. The two-year-old roams here on the third floor
0:06:49 > 0:06:50of Steere House Nursing Home.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54But unlike the others, or even the doctors...
0:06:54 > 0:06:58He's been involved with the last 25 deaths we've had on the unit.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Involved?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04They make him sound like a super villain.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Sat their in a swivel chair, just stroking a human.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13"You're going to die, isn't that right, Sebastian?"
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Yes!
0:07:15 > 0:07:16He curls up just like this,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18only on the beds of patients
0:07:18 > 0:07:22who were are a couple of hours from passing.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Sidles up to old people and then they die.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Who was he in a previous life, this guy?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33You wouldn't want your grandad living there.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Imagine the frantic calls. "What's wrong, Grandad?"
0:07:35 > 0:07:38"I got to go, there's some killer pussy in my room."
0:07:40 > 0:07:42"Ethel?"
0:07:42 > 0:07:47He will only go and stay with patients that are about to die.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51He will leave rooms, for example, when patients are not close,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53even though we might perceive them to be close.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Imagine living there. Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I'd be smearing everyone's pyjamas with Kitekat.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03It isn't just moggies causing mayhem.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07In Ohio there have been reports of bears in people's gardens.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10The black bear was roaming through Tiny Merrison's back yard.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12The operator asked which emergency,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I said, "They're in my woods here," and she says, "It's a black bear."
0:08:16 > 0:08:19The best thing about this story is how they convey
0:08:19 > 0:08:23the sheer terror of seeing a black bear in your garden.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27This recreation identifies how witnesses say the bear escaped into the woods.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33It's unbelievable, isn't it?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35He can even climb trees.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Black bears can be on the ground, or can climb in trees.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41It's so brilliantly shit.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Mind you, it isn't just in America that animals have gone wild.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Even here in Britain we're under siege.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51It sort of jumps up at people and tries to peck them.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Chasing people with dogs, as you're walking along the street.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57It goes for you with its beak and claws.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Oh, my God.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00What kind of beast is this?
0:09:00 > 0:09:05For weeks now, a rogue pheasant has been terrorising the people of Newsham.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Terrorising? What's he doing? Throwing his eggs at them?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10"You looking at my plumage, bender?"
0:09:10 > 0:09:12What did it do to you?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14It kept coming back at me and pecking at me.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16It took a bite out of this leg.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18He had a knife. He had a knife.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20He was probably on drugs.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Whacky baccy!
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I shouldn't joke. I saw one in my garden last week.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37So, evil cats, fake bears, terrorising pheasants.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40You're probably thinking you can't top that. Guess again.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43A feisty raccoon has bitten off a pervert's penis...
0:09:45 > 0:09:49The good thing about that, you laughed on the first joke, listen to the second.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Can we play that VT again?
0:09:50 > 0:09:54A feisty raccoon has bitten off a pervert's penis,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56as he was trying to rape the animal.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Raccoon rape. I've been pissed in my time.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10I've been horny. I've never looked at a rodent and thought,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12"I'm going to tap that bitch."
0:10:12 > 0:10:14"When I saw the raccoon, I thought I'd have some fun,"
0:10:14 > 0:10:17he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Now Russian plastic surgeons
0:10:19 > 0:10:22are trying to restore his mangled manhood.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27But how did they convey the sheer terror of seeing that on the news?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30THEY LAUGH JEER
0:10:39 > 0:10:41HE SCREAMS
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Wouldn't it be hilarious if he was in the waiting room
0:10:49 > 0:10:52in casualty and this programme came on?
0:10:52 > 0:10:53The Raccoons.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Come to think of it, his rod probably looks like Cyril Sneer's nose.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Bloggers have been outraged.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07To be honest, I'm with this guy.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09What kind of people his friends that they would let him
0:11:09 > 0:11:13rape a poor defenceless raccoon, and not even videotape it.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Now, did you see this?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25A female motorist has had an amazing escape
0:11:25 > 0:11:27after her car became attached to a truck's bumper.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31It was unbelievable. Did you see the mobile phone footage?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41DISTORTED VOICES
0:11:41 > 0:11:45This was the A1 in Yorkshire. Incredibly, nobody was hurt.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Even more incredibly, I've got footage from inside the lorry.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:06 > 0:12:07I joke, of course.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12Have you seen what the National Trust have been up to this week?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15So proud are they of their fresh air
0:12:15 > 0:12:17here at the Stourhead Estate in Wiltshire,
0:12:17 > 0:12:21the National Trust has gathered hundreds of jars of the stuff
0:12:21 > 0:12:24and taken it to London to impress the stressed-out city population.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30They're giving away jars of country air to stressed city workers.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I'd love to see that. Country air...
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Mmmmm, incest!
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Mmmm, casual racism!
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Mmmmm, dogging!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Have you seen the experts discussing it?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54If you look closely, I think she might be sniffing her hair.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56You can smell spring and summer coming,
0:12:56 > 0:13:01and it is a very peaceful place whatever the weather.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06What I don't get, how can you relieve stress with a jar of air?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I know, I booked it! Prague! Prague!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11It's going to be mental, mate.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Mental. Mental, mental, chicken oriental.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Don't talk to me about...
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Yeah, wehay!
0:13:26 > 0:13:29This guy's had a belter of a week.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Bus driver Kevin Halstead isn't picking up passengers today.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36But he is picking up a cheque for £2.3 million
0:13:36 > 0:13:37after winning the lottery.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40This is the incredible story reported in the Sun that:
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Yeah, exactly. Have you seen what his plans are?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Kevin's determined not to let the money change him.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53After taking a couple of weeks off,
0:13:53 > 0:13:57he'll be back driving his bus on the 125 from Preston to Bolton.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Not going to change him? Bollocks.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Imagine him driving that bus.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03# The wheels on the bus go wherever they want
0:14:03 > 0:14:06# Wherever they want wherever they want
0:14:06 > 0:14:08# The wheels on the bus go wherever they want
0:14:08 > 0:14:10# I'm a millionaire. #
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Why do they always say, "It will never change me?"
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I want it to change them. I want to see them buying mad stuff.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I want some loopy son of a bitch going, "First things first,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21"I'm going to get my dog gold teeth, right,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24"then I'm going to give him a boob job, right?
0:14:24 > 0:14:29"Then I'm going to get my boss a massive cake, made of shit.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33"Then, I'm going to buy a racehorse called I Love Anal,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36"just to hear women shout it at Ascot."
0:14:39 > 0:14:41That's what we want - nutters!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Don't you just love it when people celebrate properly?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46That's the end of the race and I can tell you,
0:14:46 > 0:14:50certainly, that neither have won so...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52We think the winner was...
0:14:52 > 0:14:54< Yes! Yes! Yes!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57< I've just won a shitload of money!
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Somebody is vey happy. Apologies if you managed to pick up on that.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03A local person. He didn't back the two favourites.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05He's obviously extremely happy here.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Yes!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11He might need a police escort on the way home, I should think,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14there aren't too many other people feeling the same way he has.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Lots of bizarre education stories about.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Did you see this school in Australia?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26A primary school has found itself
0:15:26 > 0:15:30at the hub of one of the city's most densely-packed red-light districts.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33It's surrounded by a dozen brothels and sex shops.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37The Education Department admits there's little it can do.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Incredible. I tell you what,
0:15:39 > 0:15:43the kids will never forget the day they lost their virginity.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45They'll have a receipt.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Sex shops outside a school?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49What did we have outside ours?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Imagine the school trips, just them in assembly.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"We went to Tina's Tit Pit.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01And we saw all sorts of klunge.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07"My favourite person was a lady called Destiny,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10"but I am not sure she understood the rules of ping pong."
0:16:19 > 0:16:22This is my favourite bit of the news coverage.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24There are five massage parlours,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27five brothels and three adult bookshops.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29And you've shown the kids exactly where they are.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33This story isn't that surprising.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Australians are pretty dirty.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37They've even made computer games look sexual.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Is this going to come back to haunt us?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Help me. Do we need to...?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Here it comes! Here it comes! - Go that way.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Nice!
0:16:57 > 0:17:02Talking of sex, great news for underage players.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Johnnies for 12 year olds? What are they going to do?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Flavour them?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Mmm, Ribena.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16"That's right, baby doll, and it's tooth-kind."
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Are they going to put cartoons on them? "Oi, darling.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23"Let's see if you can find Nemo.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25"There he is, he's gone again.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28"There he is, he's gone again.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30"Watch out, he's a bottom feeder."
0:17:35 > 0:17:39How are they going to buy them, anyway? Ask an adult?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41It's a brave man that struts into a shop and goes,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44"A packet of your finest child-sized condoms.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47"I've got a horny 12 year old outside, and he's ready to go."
0:17:47 > 0:17:50This isn't the weirdest sheath story of the week.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53There is talk of JLS bringing out a condom!
0:17:53 > 0:17:58Is it true, that you are going to promote your own brand of condoms?
0:17:58 > 0:18:02I read that in the papers so I have to ask. Obviously, extra large.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Extra large? Not really.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Anyone can get fit the letters JLS on their wang.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12It's not as if it's Englebert Humperdink!
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Christ! You'd need a rod like ET's finger.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Celebrity condoms are a nightmare.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I tried the Luke Skywalker one, rubbish.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22My knob glowed green and I tried to shag my sister.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27JLS condoms? What next?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Robert Pattison on Tampons?
0:18:30 > 0:18:35Get in there, you vampire son of a bitch.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38You'll feast tonight!
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Strange news from Italy.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50The Reverend Gabriele Armorth made headlines around the world
0:18:50 > 0:18:53when he said the devil was present in the Vatican.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Satan, living in the Vatican?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I wonder how they'll show that on the news.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09This is the Vatican's chief exorcist, Gabriele Armorth.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Don't be surprised that the devil tempts those in the Vatican.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14That's his job.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18His job? It's the ultimate get out of jail card, isn't it?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"I've done a bad thing. Bloody devil."
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Did you see the quote from the chief exorcist?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Do you reckon he's on the floor praying
0:19:29 > 0:19:33and a voice just goes, "Not the first time you've been on your knees.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36"Gobble gobble!"
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Just floating porn mags in the air, woooh.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Actually, they're priests, so it's probably kids' shoes.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49If you're offended by that joke, it wasn't me, it was the devil.
0:19:53 > 0:19:58Now, sometimes it's hard to know what's going on in a baby's head. Are they bored?
0:20:01 > 0:20:02Are they surprised?
0:20:05 > 0:20:09"I was sat down, I'm now on the wall.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11"Next to Fred."
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Or are they just angry?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Well, worry no more because the iPhone has come up trumps.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It's called to the Cry Translator. It's simple to use.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26When your baby begins to cry,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29you open the application, you hold it near your baby.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Press start and it will begin to analyse your baby's cry.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Do we really want to know what babies are thinking?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42They haven't developed any social skills. What if they're really rude?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44The kid goes, "WAA!"
0:20:44 > 0:20:47The iPhone goes, "Oi! Tits! Here! Now!
0:20:51 > 0:20:52"You heard me. Floppers out!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55"Yes, Dad? Problem?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57"Jog on. Where do you think you're going, Jugs?"
0:21:01 > 0:21:04"That's what I'm talking about!"
0:21:10 > 0:21:14What if they're surprisingly profound? "Why are you crying?"
0:21:14 > 0:21:17And the iPhone's like, "Because, Mother, it's 2010.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20"And the world is still living in crippling poverty.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23"And I've soiled myself."
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Maybe the translator isn't a good idea.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31That said, I would love to know what these babies were thinking.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33What a party.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I am having a b...oh, my God.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Oh, no, no, don't! Oh, God.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Mother, a taxi. We are leaving.
0:21:40 > 0:21:45Where in the hell is this crazy white woman taking my ass?
0:21:45 > 0:21:49She got veins on her arm like a goddamn crack-whore.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Gee...
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I think the Cry Translator will be popular,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57but it's not my favourite baby app. Not by a long shot.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04You think the baby translator is strange,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06look at this invention from Sweden.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13You're probably thinking, "Great idea, I'm a walking disco!" Wrong.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17What if you're walking past a kid's playground and suddenly...
0:22:17 > 0:22:20# I'm horny, horny, horny, horny... #
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Out of nowhere, a funeral procession goes by...
0:22:27 > 0:22:29# Another one bites the dust... #
0:22:29 > 0:22:31A bloke walks past with a guide dog.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35# I can see clearly now the rain has gone... #
0:22:35 > 0:22:38You're outside a shelter for abused wives.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41# Hit me, baby, one more time... #
0:22:41 > 0:22:45What a day. What a fucking day.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Now, the biggest story in sport at the moment is definitely this.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Superstar soccer player David Beckham has suffered...
0:22:55 > 0:22:57..A serious Achilles injury...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00..In AC Milan's 1-0 win.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Can you describe this what you saw?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Beckham's Achilles tendon snapped. Ouch.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10But he won't recover in time to play in South Africa.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14There's been worldwide hysteria, but every man in Britain went,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16"Thank God it wasn't Rooney!"
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Watching Rooney at the moment is like watching Bambi
0:23:20 > 0:23:22walk across a minefield.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Don't get hurt, Wayne, don't get hurt!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Oh, he's made it!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29So Beckham won't be playing, but all is not lost.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31He might be out injured, but David Beckham
0:23:31 > 0:23:33could be going to the World Cup after all.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Fabio Capello has asked the former captain
0:23:36 > 0:23:38to travel with the squad to South Africa.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Not playing and still going all that way? Surely he'll get bored.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Just sat in the dugout. "Oi, Fabio.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47"Fabio. Fabio!
0:23:47 > 0:23:51"Do you know than an anagram of Nelson Mandela is send melon anal?"
0:23:56 > 0:23:58" # Lonely
0:23:58 > 0:24:01" # I'm so lonely. # "
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I think it's a great idea. I say we use him for sabotage.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Just as the opposition are about to kick off
0:24:08 > 0:24:10he strips to his pants and sits with their WAGS.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12"All right, girls?"
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Or failing that he could play his wife's music outside their hotel.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Imagine that? "Ah! No!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23"It's sounds like a fox fucking a bagpipe."
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Or he could get a fox to do that. That might work.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Although if he had those powers I doubt he'd be playing football.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35"Watch me control the animals."
0:24:35 > 0:24:39That would really change Springwatch.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44"Behold.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47"I am the necromancer."
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Not everyone's concerned with Beckham's injury.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Arsene Wenger is still struggling with Hollyoaks.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57It is difficult to understand, but maybe I'm not intelligent enough.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06Did you hear that massive cheer across the country last week?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08All caused by this.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I have good news if you struggle at the gym,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13you like a few beers and you prefer a juicy doner kebab
0:25:13 > 0:25:15to anything remotely healthy.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19It seems a certain Miss Cheryl Cole has had it with the six-pack.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Yes, this is the amazing story that Cheryl Cole
0:25:21 > 0:25:25fancies pot-bellied blokes.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Imagine the front row of the next Girls Aloud concert.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Just a load of fat men dancing next to teenage girls.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36It'll be like Thailand.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:25:39 > 0:25:42It will, man. Wouldn't it be great if Cheryl starts cruising buffets?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Wouldn't that be fantastic? "You, over there.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47"You've had three plates.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50"Put the rest in a doggy bag and get in my van."
0:25:52 > 0:25:56There's just a load of other fat men in the van.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58"Where's she taking us?" "Eat your pies.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00"You're going to need your strength."
0:26:00 > 0:26:04"Wait till I get you back to Cheryl's love palace."
0:26:06 > 0:26:08We know that Cheryl likes the big fellas.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10I can't wait to see her next single.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:43 > 0:26:45I tell you, this man's the man for me.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55If you've never seen Good News before, what I like do,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I take the piss and then at the end of the show
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I like to show you a story that makes you
0:27:00 > 0:27:02feel better about the world. And here it is.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06When Finlay Lomax suffered a stroke after his premature birth,
0:27:06 > 0:27:10doctors feared he faced the rest of his life in a wheelchair.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12That prediction seemed ominously accurate
0:27:12 > 0:27:15until the arrival of an unlikely source of inspiration.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Ming-Ming the duck is getting the credit for inspiring Finlay
0:27:18 > 0:27:21to take his first steps at the age of four.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Finlay's mum says she'd almost given up hope until
0:27:24 > 0:27:28the baby bird landed in their lives with a damaged leg of his own.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30When Ming-Ming came into our lives with a splayed leg,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33and needed his own little casting,
0:27:33 > 0:27:38like Finlay usually has his cast on, Finlay's kind of able to
0:27:38 > 0:27:43see himself in the duck and I've used the information that the physios have
0:27:43 > 0:27:45given me on Finlay on the duck,
0:27:45 > 0:27:50so Finlay has seen it like a third person rather than being that person.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Now Finlay's on the move and confounding the doctors,
0:27:53 > 0:27:55who said he'd never stand on his own two feet.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Ming-Ming the duck has had the affection
0:27:58 > 0:28:00of his newfound family and a comfy home of his own.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Properly wonderful. There you go.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Hope you enjoyed the show. It's been an absolute pleasure.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:27 > 0:28:32E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Mwah. Fucking champion!