0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Thank you. Hello!
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much!
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Hello!
0:00:32 > 0:00:37Welcome. Every week I'm roaming from Oxford to Cambridge to find stories that make you laugh.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Ricky Martin came out this week.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43I thought that Sky's treatment was a little bit below the belt.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Now, how about a spot of fudging?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47LAUGHTER
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Jon Snow was shocked.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Oh, my ears and whiskers!
0:00:57 > 0:01:00The Dalai Lama was in the crappest snowball fight ever.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13The trouble with Question Time, people just don't get excited any more.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17You have to take painful decisions and it's going to be difficult.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28So, the biggest news, the election has been announced.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29The Prime Minister confirms
0:01:29 > 0:01:32what even he called the least well-kept secret in years.
0:01:32 > 0:01:37The Queen has kindly agreed to the dissolution of Parliament
0:01:37 > 0:01:41and a general election will take place on May 6th.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44The Queen has given permission to have a general election.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46If I was the Queen I would have messed with him.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- IMPERSONATING THE QUEEN:- So...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51you want a general election?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Dance for me.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Whack on the Beyonce, Philip!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Let's see Tubby move!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05LAUGHTER
0:02:06 > 0:02:09The campaigns are under way, but who to vote for?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12If only they would show me the options in I way I could understand.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Maybe snack food?
0:02:14 > 0:02:19You can get these hand-cooked, sea-salted politi-crisps
0:02:19 > 0:02:22with Gordon's Brown's face on them.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25If you don't fancy Gordon Brown's face on them you've got, of course,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28the David Cameron crisps here with his picture
0:02:28 > 0:02:32And just...there's no political favouritism whatsoever,
0:02:32 > 0:02:34you can have the Nick Clegg crisps.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Imagine getting those crisps from your mum. Thanks, Mum.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Tastes like lies.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46The Tories are currently in the lead.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Labour shot themselves in the foot with these posters.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Labour has unveiled a campaign poster depicting Tory leader
0:02:52 > 0:02:57David Cameron as the character Gene Hunt from the series Ashes to Ashes.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01To be honest, I prefer the way THIS reporter told that story.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Labour's latest election poster
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- which depicts David Cameron as TV cop Gene- BLEEP.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18To be honest, they should have wrote that on the poster.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23Labour honestly thought that by using DCI Hunt, they would make Cameron look bad. He loved it.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- I was flattered.- Flattered?!
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Imagine if he started talking like Gene Hunt. Wouldn't that be great?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Describing Brown, Darling and Mandelson like this.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35A fairy, a queen, a fudge-packing ponce.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39We all love DCI Hunt. What were Labour thinking?
0:03:39 > 0:03:44The only way to make Cameron more popular would have been if they had done ads like this.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Or this.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Cameron on a red car is not an attack ad. THIS is an attack ad.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Now, because I work for the BBC, I have to talk about all three political parties,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06so with that in mind, here's Nick Clegg.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Hello, I'm Nick Clegg.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Right. Done. So...
0:04:09 > 0:04:11LAUGHTER
0:04:11 > 0:04:16The Tories won the battle of the posters, but they are definitely losing the celeb vote.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Look who Labour have got.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20JK Rowling,
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Eddie Izzard,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23David Tennant.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Pretty impressive, who have the Tories got?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Ken Barlow,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Peter Stringfellow,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36John McCririck.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39John McCririck looks like a johnny stuffed full of mashed potato.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Squeeze him, just mash and hate, mash and hate.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Phur-phurr!
0:04:47 > 0:04:50He looks like Jabba the Hutt's ballbag. The man's a disgrace.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54You wouldn't want him out canvassing,
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Phur-vaa-va-varrgh!
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Listen to him talk.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Teach your children to behave!
0:04:59 > 0:05:05So 5-1 now, 11-2 Strong Promise. They asked for 9-4...
0:05:05 > 0:05:07What is wrong with you? How old are you?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09You are 55 and look at you!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13None of you will guess who the Lib Dems have got.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Harry Potter! As if anyone is going to vote based on that.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21"Huh, Harry Potter!" He pretends to be a magic man.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26If it is good enough for the youngest seeker of all time, it's good enough for me.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Harry Potter. Hang on a minute. JK Rowling supports Labour,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Daniel Radcliffe is a Lib Dem supporter.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37There'll be tension on set. What's the next film called?
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Harry Potter and the Agonising Goblin Rape.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45"I think there's been a mistake here, JK.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48"It says I get gang-banged by goblins!"
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
0:05:49 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Ron, lube him up!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:02 > 0:06:07The problem is, we don't want any of our politicians, we want Barack Obama. Sorry...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Mr Long Legged Mac Daddy!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11He's so cool...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I'd let him bang my mum!
0:06:13 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Sorry about that, Mum!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I'm pimping my mum out on telly, this is not the way I wanted my show...
0:06:28 > 0:06:32- WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:- "Here, Russ, I've had Barack Obama on the phone,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35"sorry, Mr Long Legged Mac Daddy.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37"Funny shit, that. Funny shit.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40"Seriously, tell him it's on".
0:06:41 > 0:06:46It's true, we are always fantasising about who we want to be PM. Who would you go for?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- Wolverine.- Jeremy Clarkson!
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Jeremy Clarkson!
0:06:49 > 0:06:54It is... It is always Jeremy Clarkson, isn't it?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I am not sure he's a good idea.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Imagine him in Parliament.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00The whole of the Labour Cabinet is gay.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Be a nightmare! What if David Blunkett pranged his car?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09If you don't mend it, I'm going to bone your dog!
0:07:12 > 0:07:15What if he has to go to Washington?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19You're American? You can't be, you're nowhere near fat enough!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Now, is it me or are kids getting smarter?
0:07:25 > 0:07:30Yasha Asley is taking an A-level in maths at the ripe old age of seven.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- And it could put him in the record books.- Wow, an A-level at seven!
0:07:34 > 0:07:38I remember at that age, we were once given a question, pick the odd numbers between 1 and 10.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42My mate Spider went, "I don't like the look of that seven".
0:07:43 > 0:07:46He's an evil number.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48One minute he's like that, next minute he's got arms.
0:07:50 > 0:07:5516...power of... three quarters...equals this!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Tell us, what's the answer?
0:07:57 > 0:07:5888 to the power of nine.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00We'll take Yasha's word for it!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03You've taken your first module at A-level maths, what was it like?
0:08:03 > 0:08:09- It is was easy-peasy. - "Easy-peasy" I love the fact that he still speaks like a kid.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13If he'd failed, he would have gone, "It was hard as poo"!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17The teenagers saw a seven-year-old there and they were surprised.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I bet they were!
0:08:19 > 0:08:24How bad would you feel if next to you there is a child with smoke billowing off his pen.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25"This is easy-peasy"!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28You'd have to do something to put him off, wouldn't you?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31"Oi, kid, there's no Santa".
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Yasha goes to a state junior school. By the age of 10 he hopes to have a degree.
0:08:41 > 0:08:47He can speak four languages, English, French, Arabic and Farsi.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52He can speak four languages! So can I. English, loud, underwater and Thundercat.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Apparently, he's read every book in the local library,
0:08:57 > 0:09:01I wonder if he has seen any of these genuine children's books.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Let's hope to God that's not a pop-up.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Two Tiggers, one cup!
0:09:17 > 0:09:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:27 > 0:09:29And my personal favourite,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Kids are getting the upper hand. Have you heard?
0:09:35 > 0:09:39A feedback session with pupils marking the performance of their teachers.
0:09:39 > 0:09:44Allowing students a say in everything from school design to the recruitment of new staff.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Pupils interviewing teachers? Have you seen the questions they've asked?
0:09:48 > 0:09:54They include such cases as a teacher being asked to sing her favourite song at an interview.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56When she declined, she didn't get the job.
0:09:56 > 0:10:02We have a case where a teacher was turned down for a job as the students felt he looked like Humpty Dumpty.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10The idea is that kids know what's best for them. Kids don't know what's best for them.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Otherwise they wouldn't do things like this!
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Now, this next story is my favourite of the week, it is actually unbelievable.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33Leprechauns in Northern Ireland have been granted heritage status by Europe.
0:10:33 > 0:10:39Plants, wild animals and leprechauns, ie little people, are protected in this area.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Protected leprechauns.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Are the leprechauns going, "You touch me, you'll be in jail.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51"Nobody wants to be in prison for touching a little person."
0:10:52 > 0:10:55The leprechauns are celebrating by going to Alton Towers.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Unfortunately, they can't go on any of the rides.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02You can probably pick out lots of families coming
0:11:02 > 0:11:07back down from the Cooley mountains just above Carlingford to my left.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09They've been in the National Leprechaun Hunt.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14Hunt?! Why, are they like foxes?
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Posh people going, "You should hear them shagging against my bins.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20"It is all be-Jesus and begorra
0:11:20 > 0:11:23and feck and potato and Guinness
0:11:23 > 0:11:26and Dara O Briain!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Let's be honest, that is one hunt you would kill to go on.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35You could capture them by using the ginger one from Girls Aloud as bait.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38"This way my tiny pretties!"
0:11:38 > 0:11:42# Round round baby, round round... #
0:11:42 > 0:11:44That's the Sugababes!
0:11:44 > 0:11:47That's my impression of the... That's the Sugababes?!
0:11:53 > 0:11:55One second, what do they sing?
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Underground.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58# It's the sound of the underground. #
0:11:58 > 0:12:01And you've captured some leprechauns.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04How are they going to show a leprechaun on the news?
0:12:09 > 0:12:14A story from Manchester that's bad news for fish-selling pensioners.
0:12:14 > 0:12:1766-year-old great-grandmother and pet shop owner, Joan Higgins,
0:12:17 > 0:12:21never expected to end up electronically tagged
0:12:21 > 0:12:23and placed under curfew.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Her crime? Selling a goldfish to a 14-year-old.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28The sick bitch!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Selling fish to a child, what next?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36She'll be outside school gates, flogging them heroin!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Ridiculous story. Not allowed to sell fish to children?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41This guy must be cacking it.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47Apparently selling fish to kids is cruel. More like cruel to the kid.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Goldfish are crap, they just float about.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53It is like having a ginger mate with Alzheimer's and can't stop shitting.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58It's true, man.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Kids don't even care when they die.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Hello, Laura, what are you doing there?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I'm burying my goldfish.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Oh dear. What a shame. Still, it's only a goldfish I suppose, isn't it?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Why are you doing digging such a big hole?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- Because it's inside your- BLEEP- cat!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Did you see how they caught this evil granny?
0:13:24 > 0:13:28It is an offence for anybody under the age of 16 to be sold a pet,
0:13:28 > 0:13:33so Trafford council sent a 14-year-old boy in here, undercover, to see what happened.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37How dodgy must that have looked? Some bloke near a playground,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39"Hello, young man.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41"Do you like pet shops?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44"Get in the van."
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Why have they tagged her? She's an old lady.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51You want to keep an old person indoors, just ask one question,
0:13:51 > 0:13:53What was it like when you were young?
0:13:53 > 0:13:57"Oh...I went to school every morning on a horse".
0:13:57 > 0:14:03I cannot go out of the door. I can't go in my garden, I can't go to the dustbin.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Anything after 7.00pm in the night.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07"I can't go to me bins.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11"Sorry...
0:14:11 > 0:14:15"It's one of me things in life, 7.00pm, I go to me bin every...
0:14:18 > 0:14:20"Don't laugh, you bastards!
0:14:22 > 0:14:26"Every night I... Oh, I'm going, I'm going.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29"I fucking love that bin."
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Over on the Thames, it was good news for wet toffs.
0:14:36 > 0:14:41Cambridge have won the 156th Xchanging Boat Race against favourites Oxford.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43It was a close race
0:14:43 > 0:14:46with Cambridge winning for the first time in three years.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49To be honest, I was surprised by their choice of umpire.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Absolutely crucial today is the umpire, Simon Harris,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55it is his job to keep those crews honest.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Did you watch the race? They really tried to big it up.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01This race isn't just fought in the river,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03it is also fought in the mind.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07It's such a compelling part of the British national story.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11No, it's not in any way. It's about as exciting as watching Dido taking a shit.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14They just row in a straight line.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19You watch it going, can we not make it more exciting and just release a shark?
0:15:20 > 0:15:24What would make them shift, is if we popped in some Somali pirates.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Then they'd fucking move. "Bloody hell, Tarquin, row!"
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Ai-ai-ai-ai-aah!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32It's horrific. You have never seen a crowd like it.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Rah-de blah-de rah...
0:15:35 > 0:15:38People are so posh they brush their teeth with a swan.
0:15:42 > 0:15:48I will concede though, some of the rowers did have fantastic names.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Winkelvoss - that sounds like an STD, doesn't it?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Without doubt, this was my favourite.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Sjoerd Hamburger, president of the Oxford University Row Club.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Look at that. Sjoerd Hamburger,
0:16:08 > 0:16:10how porn star is that name?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13I bet when he has sex he just goes...
0:16:13 > 0:16:15# Du du-du du-du I'm lovin' it! #
0:16:17 > 0:16:19It was on telly for two hours. Why?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21All we wanted to see was this.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24One...two...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26on three, now then. Yay!
0:16:28 > 0:16:34Brilliant! Who doesn't like to watch men toss their cox into a river?
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Elsewhere in sport, did you see the design for the new Olympic tower?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43What do you get if you cross the mayor with a man of steel?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47How about this? This is the legacy of London's Olympics.
0:16:47 > 0:16:53It's a tower with a twist. Orbit, a dipping, swirling spiral of steel.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Does anyone else think it looks a bit like a crane shagging a roller-coaster?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03The best thing, did you hear Boris talking about it?
0:17:03 > 0:17:09If Paris can have the Eiffel tower, we thought that our great Olympic site had to have the...
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Something!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:21I just love watching Johnson talk about the Olympics, his demands are getting weirder and weirder.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24A convolvulus. A giant treble clef.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28A helter-skelter. A super-sized mutant trombone.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33A monorail above the city, made of stilton, driven by talking hippos!
0:17:34 > 0:17:38That's just the art. Look at the sports he wants to introduce.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41The pankration
0:17:41 > 0:17:44whose chief exponent was Milo of Kroton.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Whose signature performance involved carrying an ox the length of the stadium,
0:17:48 > 0:17:52killing it with his bare hands and then eating it, all on the same day.
0:17:58 > 0:18:03A play that portrays Jesus as gay is drawing lots of controversy.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05A student at Tarleton State University in Stephenville
0:18:05 > 0:18:08is directing a production called Corpus Christi.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12He says he wants a play that portrays tolerance and unconditional love.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17Wow! Doing a play about a gay Jesus in Bible-belt America.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21That is like a mouse strutting into a cave and teabagging a sleeping lion.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30What of it? Hmmm. You know the play will be terrible.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Some one-dimensional actor, "Jesus was nailed against the cross.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36"And when I say nailed, I mean nailed.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40# I am what I am. #
0:18:41 > 0:18:45It is not the first time there have been rumours about sexuality of the messiah.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Earlier this year Elton John claimed Jesus was gay.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I see him, from my point of view,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55and that's just my point of view, as a compassionate gay person.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Luckily nobody was upset.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01We're here today to remind Elton John that he has to die.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Remind him?! "Yes, I must kill myself. Thank you."
0:19:05 > 0:19:09For a straight man, this bloke has a good knowledge of what goes down.
0:19:09 > 0:19:16What he means is the Lord Jesus achieves orgasm by receiving men's penises up his anal orifice.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Or by sucking other men's penises.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23Whoa! Could we not just get along?
0:19:23 > 0:19:24We get one chance to live.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27In the Bible it says that Jesus is in all of us,
0:19:27 > 0:19:29so, technically, he's bi.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42There's a mystery guest who's been in the news, and I have to figure out who it is.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45So, please welcome my mystery guest.
0:19:45 > 0:19:51# From Russia with love
0:19:51 > 0:19:56# I cried to you. #
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Nice to meet you. How are you? - Nice to meet you too, I'm fine.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- Be my guest.- I will.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- Snow, I'm sorry.- It's fine. It feels like a slightly creepy Narnia.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- It is all right.- So why... - I am not an evil witch, you know.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15I'm not saying you're an evil bitch!
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- I said witch! - Witch! I didn't say that either...
0:20:18 > 0:20:22LAUGHTER
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- Anyway.- Thank you, nice.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Why were you in the news? I'm trying to figure out what's going on.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33I can't tell you, you have to guess.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- That is your job, isn't it? - That is my job. Yes. Ha-ha!
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Anyway, you didn't introduce yourself?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43I do need to introduce myself? Hello, I'm Russell Howard.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- Hello, I'm Anastasia. - Anastasia? Great name.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- Where are you from? Let's do that. - I'm from Russia.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50From Russia, OK.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Things I know about Russia...
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Have you ever seen a Russian pregnancy?
0:20:54 > 0:20:59It is freaky, you deliver one baby, and inside that baby there's another...
0:21:00 > 0:21:03You're taking the mick.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- OK, so you are from Russia, are you living here at the minute?- Yes.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12What brought you to the country, was it love?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- A bit of everything.- A bit of everything?- Love, job.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Any clues I can get from your job?
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Does it involve... there is a babooshka down there.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Is it modelling? You did that pose.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31- No.- Not modelling. You'll have to give me some help here.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34It involves sports.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Sports, we're getting there. What sport? Gymnast?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- No. Do I look like a gymnast? - You do look like a gymnast.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- Thank you.- That's all right. Um...
0:21:45 > 0:21:46What else do the Russians do?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Skiing and the shooting?
0:21:50 > 0:21:51- No.- OK, shooting?
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- No. Well, close.- OK, archery?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- No. - Javelin is a very good one. Javelin?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- No.- Spear!- Spear?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Close!- Darts?- Yes.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- Darts! Do you play darts?- Yes. - I sling arrows.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Yeah, for a while now, I've been slinging arrows.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I got a hole-in-one the other day.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16That's right! Um... So, why are you in the news?
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Because I'm the only female dart player competing against man.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Fantastic. You made that sound grand, like man in general.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28I believe your guy's got some footage.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Footage of you? Let's see you.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32She has done this hundreds of times.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Two darts at tops.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38Get in! What a lovely way to finish the match.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44There's the celebration, the crowd love it.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Quality. Did you see the poster? "Russian beauty!"
0:22:47 > 0:22:51- Now, why are we wasting time?- Let's nail it.- Now, we have a challenge.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- Done.- Ladies first.- OK.- That's you.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56OK.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Hey, don't forget I have to win. We're not finishing until I win.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Wouldn't it be fucking great if I did? It's not going to happen.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Ooh.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Son of a bitch.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18What did you say?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20I said, I missed.
0:23:20 > 0:23:2221.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Ooh, struggling!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I wouldn't like to be you right now!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Come on, play fair.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Fair enough! Well done.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49You're not even going to do the last one?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51No, I don't have to.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56So, how did you get into that?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59You just discovered it, like, at a circus one day?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02How did you fall into something like that?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05That sounds appalling, like you just wandered in.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Can I give an answer before you carry on?
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Of course you can.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Forever.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:15 > 0:24:19It's like we're in a relationship already. "Can you shut up? OK.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21"You never once clean up."
0:24:23 > 0:24:28I did it in an after school club, we don't play darts in the pubs in Russia.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- So I wanted to know what darts was all about.- Brilliant.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35- Now I'm here. Would you believe that?- I think it's fantastic.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- It's lovely to meet you, Anastasia. What's your surname?- Dobromyslova.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- I will call you Anastasia. - Thank you.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Did you see the story about the award-winning Top Gun remake?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55If you didn't, here it is.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58We told you the story of a film-maker from Cambridge
0:24:58 > 0:25:01who's re-made a Hollywood blockbuster lasting just 60 seconds.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04And now it's an award-winning remake.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Mark Wong's movie has beaten off 5,000 rivals from across the globe
0:25:08 > 0:25:12to win the Empire Done In 60 Seconds award.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Doing one film in 60 seconds, anyone can do that,
0:25:15 > 0:25:19what is impressive is doing loads of films in 60 seconds, like this.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27All right, Harry?
0:25:28 > 0:25:29All right, Sally?
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Damn it! Somebody get me Iron Man.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Hello!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Sorry. I'm stuck. I'm stuck.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Can you come out now?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Dragon, you've been hiding for ages.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Me no like the boom-boom!
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- There will be no boom-boom on my watch.- I love you.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09And I love you, you blue bastard.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Hello!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Now, it's time for this week's good news story.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35I think this film is one of the most inspiring stories you will ever see.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I really hope you like it as much as I do.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49People freak out when they see me for the first time.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52It's so cool, I was at a water slide all by myself.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Everyone at the bottom of the slide was looking up and waiting
0:26:56 > 0:27:00for other people to come down. I come and they are freaking out. They are like...
0:27:00 > 0:27:04I was so tempted to look at myself and go, "What happened?!"
0:27:06 > 0:27:10There's no point, I believe in my life, where I wish I had arms and legs,
0:27:10 > 0:27:15I wish I had arms and legs, because wishing won't help, but what I have seen in life
0:27:15 > 0:27:18are a couple of key principles, and the first thing I've seen
0:27:18 > 0:27:21is to be thankful. It's hard to be thankful, man.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24When I was eight years old, I summed up my life and thought
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I'm never going to get married, I'm not going to have a job.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I'm not going to have a life of purpose.
0:27:30 > 0:27:35What kind of husband am I going to be if I can't even hold my wife's hand?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40It's a lie to think that you're not good enough.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44It's a lie to think that you're not worth anything.
0:27:44 > 0:27:50It is scary to know how many girls have eating disorders.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56It is scary to know how many people feel like they're worth nothing.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Every single girl right here, right now,
0:28:00 > 0:28:04I want you to know you are beautiful.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09You are gorgeous just the way you are.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12And you boys? You're the man!
0:28:16 > 0:28:19That, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly why I do Good News,
0:28:19 > 0:28:23to show you human beings like that. What a wonderful man.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Thank you for watching my show. Hope you had fun. Good night.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:47 > 0:28:50E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk