0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Thank you very much.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Hello, welcome. Welcome to Good News.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Every week I'll be going from Heathrow to Gatwick
0:00:36 > 0:00:38to find stories to make you laugh.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Say what you like about pensioners,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43when they do an impression of a dog, they really go for it.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47And as soon as they saw me, they came bounding over.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50GROWLS AND SNARLS
0:00:53 > 0:00:57I know what you're thinking - what's Bill Turnbull's favourite sexual position?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00The ice-cream wafer sandwich.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Do you know, I think I might have a go at that.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05What do you reckon, John Craig?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Don't do it, it's not safe.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Fair enough.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Talking of sex, did you see Andrew Neil's motto?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Withdraw! Before it's too late.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21So the election rumbles on.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Did anyone see Adam Boulton's Jedward joke?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27It absolutely died.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I don't think any of the leaders
0:01:29 > 0:01:33would necessarily want to be compared to the Jedwards.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38And if you are watching the debate tonight...
0:01:38 > 0:01:42I don't know what's going on. The reporters have been in a funny mood.
0:01:42 > 0:01:48If you look closely, Dermot Murnaghan appears to be giving someone to his left a hand job.
0:01:48 > 0:01:53Britain's entire airspace shut down for the first time in living memory.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57To be honest though, everyone does that in telly, right, mate?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00All right, Steve?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Now, in the past couple of weeks,
0:02:05 > 0:02:09the media have been explaining the election to us through pigs and crisps.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I wonder what they've used this week.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13We've got three sandcastles.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15The way it stands at the moment...
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Can I just bring you forward?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19We've got the Tory, the Labour and the Lib Dem.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Which one are you going to have?
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Go for it, let's see if we can build a sand castle.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Shall we unveil it?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Ooh, having problems.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I think we'd better hand back to Robert. Back to you.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37That could not have gone worse.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39The only way that could have been worse,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43if she'd lifted up the bucket and there was just a dead puppy.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Last week, TV history was made.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50It is the first time in a British election campaign that the contenders
0:02:50 > 0:02:54for the post of Prime Minister have agreed to a televised debate.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Did you watch it?
0:02:55 > 0:03:00Was it me, or were Cameron and Clegg having a battle to see who was the most widely travelled?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- I was in Plymouth recently.- I met a man in London the other day.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I went to a Hull police station the other day.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09- I was in a hospital. - I've been to Afghanistan.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10- I was in Burnley.- China.- Sweden.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- Crosby.- Canada.- Iran.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- Australia.- I even went to a drug rehab recently.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18I went to a bloody rehab, Clegg! Deal with that!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21When they weren't doing that, they were doodling.
0:03:21 > 0:03:243,000 more police officers on the streets.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28The risk to the economy is Labour's proposal of a jobs tax.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32..tough talk from different governments of different parties for so long.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35We've got hold of their notepads. This is Gordon Brown's.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Cameron was just fantasising.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47And Clegg, well, he was just drawing himself.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I think Gordon Brown just wanted to be Nick Clegg's mate.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57See, I agree with Nick. I agree with Nick.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I agree with Nick. Nick and I are agreed.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01"I love you, Nick."
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Mind you, Clegg had cause to be happy.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Most polls suggested he'd won.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Nick Clegg came out as the clear winner
0:04:09 > 0:04:13with a 5% lead over Gordon Brown and a 6% lead over David Cameron.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16I'll bet he floated all the way home.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18# They call me Nick Clegg Nick Clegg
0:04:18 > 0:04:23# I got a third leg Third leg. #
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Waking up his wife. "Oh Nick, I suppose you came last?"
0:04:26 > 0:04:28"Drop 'em and guess again!"
0:04:29 > 0:04:32# They call me Nick Clegg... #
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Now, I'm going to have to swallow humble pie.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36For the past two weeks, I've taken the mickey
0:04:36 > 0:04:40and suddenly he's come from nowhere to be a major part of the election.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44In fact, some papers are actually calling him the British Barack Obama.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Sorry!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Mr Long-Legged Cleggy Weggy.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Not everyone enjoyed the debate.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59I think it's cos the audience weren't allowed to heckle or even clap.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01You can't watch a politician and not swear.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06It's like stubbing your toe and not sounding like you're doing a slightly racist Chinese accent.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Oi-ya!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Oi-yoh-yaaah!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16You can't help it. Reckon when a Chinese bloke stubs his toe
0:05:16 > 0:05:17he goes, "Bloody hell?"
0:05:22 > 0:05:26My favourite part of it was how the media tried to make the election interactive.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28They should be careful what they wish for.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30You at home can get involved
0:05:30 > 0:05:33with our big conversation about the debate online.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Go to itv.com/electiondebate for a live web chat
0:05:37 > 0:05:39where you give your verdict on the...
0:05:49 > 0:05:54So, this was definitely the story everyone was talking about this week.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56For the first time in living memory,
0:05:56 > 0:06:01Britain is a no-fly zone because of a cloud of volcanic ash.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03The smoke was incredible.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10My favourite thing about the volcano was watching the newsreaders trying to pronounce it.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Mount Eyjafjallajokull.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13The Aya-fowl-yakool.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15The Eya-filla-leya-kool.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Eyja-fjalla-jokull.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19The Eya-fiyapla-yukull volcano.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Eiya-farplaiyar...kudull.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Eya-fyatla-yurgut.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Big exploding mountain.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I'm going to go "exploding mountain" here, Tom.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Over at GMTV, they were focusing on more important matters.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38If it was on a Scrabble board, that volcano would get 56 points.
0:06:40 > 0:06:45Millions of people were stranded at airports, some of them slept wherever they could.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47It left passengers in limbo
0:06:47 > 0:06:50with still no word on when flights will resume.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Others were awake and slightly more angry.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- You only found out when you got to the airport?- Yeah.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57- You didn't know in your hotel?- No.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- GLASWEGIAN ACCENT:- I hate Iceland! I hate Iceland!
0:07:03 > 0:07:08- MIMICS GLASWEGIAN ACCENT:- I hate you, Iceland. You've done it on purpose!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11A lot of people pinned the blame on the big guy upstairs.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15There's nothing we can do. It's one of those things, an act of God.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Why is an act of God always horrific?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Would it kill Him to do something nice? Wouldn't that be lovely?
0:07:24 > 0:07:25A booming voice in the sky,
0:07:25 > 0:07:30"Hey, everyone! I've done all the washing up!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32"It's an act of God!
0:07:32 > 0:07:37"Look in your oven. I think you'll find someone's made you a lasagne!"
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Wa-hey! "Hey, Russ, check your front room."
0:07:41 > 0:07:44You'd better not be joking. "Would I lie to you?"
0:07:44 > 0:07:47A monkey butler!
0:07:47 > 0:07:50"Enjoy it, you're my favourite little thing."
0:07:50 > 0:07:52That was a bit creepy, wasn't it?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56You get the point.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01There are thousands of British people stranded abroad. What if they run out of sun-tan lotion?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04It'll be pretty funny when they arrive home looking like this.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Wow, did you hear about this church in America?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17People who attend a church in Virginia don't have to worry
0:08:17 > 0:08:20about finding something to wear on Sundays
0:08:20 > 0:08:21because clothing is optional.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Members of Whitetail Chapel say they have
0:08:24 > 0:08:28no problem getting the word of God from a pastor in his birthday suit.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29HE SNIGGERS
0:08:29 > 0:08:32That's one church you'll never see on Songs Of Praise.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36"The next programme contains graphic content
0:08:36 > 0:08:38"and really wrinkly balls."
0:08:38 > 0:08:43Imagine the noise when the congregation gets up from the pews!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46It'd be like jelly moulds being emptied.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48HE SLURPS
0:08:49 > 0:08:53I see myself as a very serious Roman Catholic.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I see you more as an X-rated goat.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02People go "Why not worship naked? Adam and Eve were naked."
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Yes, but that's in a book.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05In Narnia, there's a talking lion.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08You don't see me at Whipsnade going, "Hello, Mr Furry,
0:09:08 > 0:09:10"Can I have a cuddle?"
0:09:10 > 0:09:13We do it at services for weddings,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15we do it for funerals.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Isn't that right?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Naked weddings? Nightmare.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23You'd spend your honeymoon picking confetti out of your bush.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS
0:09:29 > 0:09:31As for a naked funeral, that would be terrible.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34"Pull yourself together, son, stop crying.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35"Granddad had a good innings".
0:09:35 > 0:09:36"It's not that, Dad.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39"I've just seen Auntie Beryl's growler".
0:09:43 > 0:09:46HE SHUDDERS
0:09:46 > 0:09:49So, you think that's the strangest religious story of the week?
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Guess again.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51A religious controversy
0:09:51 > 0:09:55swirling around a church in Warr Acres tonight.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Some say a giant painting of Christ hanging in the sanctuary
0:09:58 > 0:10:01of St Charles Borromeo Catholic Church is obscene.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Check out their rage.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07I feel that it is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I feel that it is pornographic.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13So, why exactly are they getting so worked up?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Some worshippers there say
0:10:15 > 0:10:18the painting merely depicts Christ with muscles in his abdomen.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Others see something different.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Christ's genitalia are obviously very exposed.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30They're saying it's his stomach muscles.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34If you got muscles like that, you'd never leave the gym.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36That would change the prayers -
0:10:36 > 0:10:40"In the name of the Father, the Son and the... HOLY SHIT!"
0:10:40 > 0:10:43And it will definitely change the musical.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45# Jesus Christ, circumcised
0:10:45 > 0:10:48# A dick from his hips stretching to his eyes. #
0:10:55 > 0:10:57No wonder he hung out with the disciples.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01If he had a dick that big, he'd need 12 men to carry it.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Lads, we're agreed - this is not going in the book, right?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09At no point will we carry a dick.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Judas, I'm looking at you!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Can we have a look at the photo again?
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Do you know who I feel sorry for?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Those two blokes!
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Just there for eternity, looking at his rod.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Now, bad news for wordsmiths.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30For more than 60 years,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33proper nouns have been a no-no on the Scrabble board.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36From this summer, the official rules are being changed
0:11:36 > 0:11:39to allow the names of celebrities, places and companies.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Why are they making it easier? Scrabble's great, it's so English.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I love the fact we get angry about words.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47It's a low moment, but everyone has done it.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51"If you're going to be a dick, I'm off to fetch the dictionary."
0:11:51 > 0:11:57Just stomping back. "There you go. 'Mungo - one who extracts valuable things from rubbish.' Sit down."
0:11:57 > 0:12:03Or at Christmas, when people get pissed and start putting down rude words. My mum loves doing this.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05"There you go, rim job, huh?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08"Triple word, rack 'em up.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12"They call me Scrab-Zilla, dickhead."
0:12:12 > 0:12:16That is 100% true. Now...
0:12:16 > 0:12:19It's been a strange week in the publishing world.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22A new hands-on book is creating a big buzz in Canada.
0:12:22 > 0:12:27Canadian artist, Lisa Murphy, has developed...porn for the blind.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Porn for the blind. It's like porn
0:12:29 > 0:12:33but instead of pictures, it uses Braille to create erotic images.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34I tell you what would be funny,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37pop the Braille porn inside another book,
0:12:37 > 0:12:38walk up to a blind person and go,
0:12:38 > 0:12:41"All right, mate? You read the new Harry Potter?"
0:12:42 > 0:12:45"Jesus!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47"Hermione and a goblin!"
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I know.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52The book is pretty freaky. Check this out.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55The book called Tactile Mind
0:12:55 > 0:12:59features raised pictures of nude men and women.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01SAXOPHONE PLAYS
0:13:01 > 0:13:05The provocative images range from shots of naked disco girls
0:13:05 > 0:13:08to men decked out as lusty robots.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Lusty robots?!
0:13:11 > 0:13:16Just cos they're blind, doesn't mean they're perverts. Have you seen the pictures?!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Yeah, that'll get you horny if you like men with a toaster for a face.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27It gets weirder, look at this.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30How did they come up with that? "What do I find arousing?
0:13:30 > 0:13:35"Nothing, really, except an elephant with a camel toe...
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"and hands like spatulas.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41This next one is just plain wrong.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47I know what you're thinking - "Where have I seen that guy before?"
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Filthy Zippy.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Probably the biggest publishing mistake this year
0:13:56 > 0:13:57came from Australia.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Penguin had to recall thousands of copies of a pasta book
0:14:04 > 0:14:10because one recipe suggested that, instead of using freshly ground black pepper, they should use this.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17How awkward would it be if they went,
0:14:17 > 0:14:20"No, it wasn't a typo, they taste delicious!"
0:14:22 > 0:14:25What's the book called? Cooking With Nick Griffin?
0:14:26 > 0:14:31We should hardly be surprised. Australian chefs are pretty loose with their language.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Brush with a beaten egg, cover with breadcrumbs
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- and fucking fry the- BLEEP - until they go black, you prick.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41And you thought Ramsay was bad!
0:14:41 > 0:14:46Now, talking of bad, the annual awards for the oddest book title of the year have been announced.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47The winner was...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52To be honest, I was disappointed.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Compared to previous years, it was rubbish.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57It's got nothing on the 2003 classic...
0:15:02 > 0:15:04That is the Ronseal of book titles, isn't it?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07It's also Clare Balding's favourite.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11In...in...in 1998...
0:15:11 > 0:15:13In 1998 we had this page turner.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23We've all been there. And my personal favourite from 2002...
0:15:28 > 0:15:29What a title for a book!
0:15:29 > 0:15:33I loved it so much, I am actually turning that into a sitcom.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35What shall we do later, Crazy?
0:15:35 > 0:15:40Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to smoke some crack, go to the zoo and steal a penguin.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- Brilliant idea. - Get your finger out my face!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51This next story is absolutely ridiculous.
0:15:51 > 0:15:5412-year-old Alexi Gonzalez was doodling in school,
0:15:54 > 0:15:56only not like this in a book.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00She did it right on her desk top at Junior High School 190
0:16:00 > 0:16:03in Forest Hills, and for that she was placed under arrest.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Arrested for drawing?!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Imagine the 911 call.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11"Help! There's a girl here and she's got a Biro!"
0:16:11 > 0:16:15They had called the cops
0:16:15 > 0:16:18and, you know, they had to come and they had to handcuff me.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- They handcuffed you?!- Yes.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21What is wrong with the police?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24"Sarge, there's a killer on the loose!"
0:16:24 > 0:16:26"Never mind that, we got a doodler!"
0:16:26 > 0:16:28"Fetch my shooter."
0:16:28 > 0:16:31America is a mad country. It's illegal to scribble on a desk,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33but perfectly fine to own a gun.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35"All right, you crazy bitch!
0:16:35 > 0:16:39"Put down the marker pen! You could hurt someone!"
0:16:39 > 0:16:43What, with the fumes, you cousin-fucking dunce?
0:16:46 > 0:16:51These morons cuffed and jailed a 12-year-old girl.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I don't understand why they're been so Draconian.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Sometimes graffiti can really brighten up your day.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03I love this beauty.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Wonderful, isn't it?
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Check out this guy.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Now, have you seen the latest iPhone app?
0:17:25 > 0:17:29You probably heard that fun in the bedroom can help you lose calories.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33The world's first sexercise app shows you exactly how many.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Don't turn sex into an exercise.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Nobody wants to hear a woman say,
0:17:38 > 0:17:40"I want you to make love to me for hours."
0:17:40 > 0:17:42"What, cos you love me?"
0:17:42 > 0:17:45"No. I want to eat a pie."
0:17:47 > 0:17:52Imagine that? You're shagging away, "We're getting close, I can taste the steak and mushroom!"
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"Say my name."
0:17:54 > 0:17:56"Ginsters! Ginsters!"
0:17:58 > 0:18:00This app is madness!
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Never have a phone near you during sex.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06What if you roll over and accidentally call your nan?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09How awkward would it be the next time you saw her?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11"All right, Russ." "Hello, Nan."
0:18:11 > 0:18:14"You're a forgetful sod, aren't you? Phoning me up the other day -
0:18:14 > 0:18:17"'Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?'
0:18:18 > 0:18:20"You know who your dad is."
0:18:22 > 0:18:25If anyone wants one of these, here's how it works.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28The first step - lay your iPhone flat on your bed.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Select single or multi-player and then let the fun begin.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Single player?!
0:18:37 > 0:18:41You're essentially turning masturbation into a workout.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44"You look good. What's your secret?"
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Wanking.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49"Do you want to see my fitness video?"
0:18:49 > 0:18:50NO-O-O-O-O!
0:18:51 > 0:18:54This is the weirdest bit. Look at this.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57And if you can't wait to share the results with your friends,
0:18:57 > 0:19:01the app also offers the option to post the results on Facebook.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05You can post it all on Facebook.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Must people reveal everything online?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Why don't they just go the whole hog and post updates while shagging?
0:19:11 > 0:19:15"Darren's doing Jenny from behind. She loves it!"
0:19:15 > 0:19:18"Jenny is not loving it."
0:19:20 > 0:19:24"Darren's got a bi-i-ig dick!"
0:19:25 > 0:19:28"Jenny's not even sure Darren has a dick."
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Each week I leave this part of the show in the hands of my production team.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40They scour the news to find me a mystery guest.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43So, please welcome whoever that may be.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Russell.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- Hiya, Russell. I'm Sharon. - Wow. That's quite a grip.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Let's get this out of the way - are you a life model?
0:20:07 > 0:20:08- No.- Damn.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I was genuinely excited there.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18Looking at you, you've got a tattoo. I've had experiences with a tattooed lady before.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Is it to do with the art world at all?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- Yes, slightly. I could give you a clue.- Go on.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28"I'll be back" by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- You'll be back?- Mm.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33You must be the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impressionist ever.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Are you some sort of muscle person?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Um, I could be.- You could be?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Actually, I'm looking at you, you're fucking massive!
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Are you a body builder?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- I am, yes.- You absolutely have to show me your moves.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- OK, yes.- Let's do this.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54MUSIC: "Pump It" by Black Eyed Peas
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Music as well. That's really groovy.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Do you know what? I am... That was fantastic.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:27 > 0:21:31I've never had an urge to tickle someone more in my life
0:21:31 > 0:21:33than at the moment.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34No. (Jesus!)
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Wow. Let me just cover you up cos I'm...
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I'm going to look at your boobs.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Can you make them go # Da da-da da-da-da... #
0:21:43 > 0:21:44- Yeah.- Just so I can see.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Let's have a look at yours.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57I can't do it. I look like I was trying to give myself a tit wank.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58We've all tried.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Now, um, so how long have you been doing this?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- About 14 years.- 14 years?!- Yeah.- Wow!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Do you compete and that type of thing?- Yeah.
0:22:07 > 0:22:12- Whereabouts?- I've just done Arnold Schwarzenegger's Arnold Classics in America.- The Arnold Classics?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Fantastic. How did you get on?
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Absolutely brilliant. I'm the first woman in the UK ever to qualify for the UK.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- Good for you.- Thank you very much. - That's fantastic.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:26 > 0:22:28So how do you maintain that tan?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Your boobs are out again. Let's get them in.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34They're magnificent, but they're going to overshadow...
0:22:34 > 0:22:37He looks like he's perving on you. That was great.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I just saw then, he was going, "Not bad."
0:22:39 > 0:22:42It's a good job he's got that fig leaf on.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45How long have you been ripped? When were you first like...?
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Um, the first bodybuilding show I ever did was 1999
0:22:49 > 0:22:54and I did fitness, like a very little petite girl. Girlie girl.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58What I'm trying to get to, was there a stage when your dad went, "OK,"
0:22:58 > 0:23:00cos you were harder than your dad?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I'm harder than most men, though.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Yeah, yeah. OK. Um...
0:23:05 > 0:23:09It was the way you leant in. You were all lovely and feminine and I could
0:23:09 > 0:23:12smell your perfume and then you went, "I'm harder than most men."
0:23:12 > 0:23:16- What does your family think of this? They must be proud. - I've got three children
0:23:16 > 0:23:19and a granddaughter, so they just love it.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- Granddaughter?! You're the hardest granny in the world!- Definitely.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26You're not old enough. Whisper. How old are you?
0:23:26 > 0:23:27- You're never, are you?- Yeah.
0:23:27 > 0:23:2972!
0:23:30 > 0:23:3344 years old.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36That's amazing. You must literally be the coolest granny in the world.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- I hope so.- Has she seen you do...? You just do that?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Do you lift stuff, or just like...?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- She's just hitting two now, but... - Hitting Two?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- She's hitting two. - That's her other grandson.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49"I don't like Two."
0:23:49 > 0:23:52You didn't put any imagination into them names.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- You don't if you're training though, do you?- No.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03It's been a pleasure, it really has. I really enjoy this, meeting interesting people.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- What was your name?- Sharon. - What's your full name?
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- Madison.- Sharon Madison. Please give a wonderful round of applause.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Now, this next story is a cracker.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24One of my favourites of the week.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31So what hideous crime did he commit
0:24:31 > 0:24:34to make the people of Fochriw so angry he was banished?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I love the quote from local man Len Davies.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Banned for nearly 50 years for stealing a chicken!
0:24:53 > 0:24:58I love the idea that there's a load of blokes in a tiny Welsh pub who hate Tom Jones.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Whenever his songs come on the radio - "Boo!"
0:25:00 > 0:25:02And changing the words.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03# It's not unusual #
0:25:03 > 0:25:05For you to steal our chicken!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07"You orange-skinned bastard!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10"Oi, Barry, why did the chicken cross the road?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12"Cos Tom Jones is a prick."
0:25:16 > 0:25:19"I couldn't agree more, the Fanta-faced fucker!"
0:25:21 > 0:25:25In fairness, loads of people have been banned from this village,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27even my mate, Crazy Buttocks.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29What happened in that Welsh village?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Them Welsh bastards didn't like the way the I danced.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35# I like big butts and I cannot lie
0:25:35 > 0:25:37# All you other brothers can't deny... #
0:25:37 > 0:25:40SERIOUSLY! You got a problem.
0:25:44 > 0:25:49Now, here's a story that caught my attention about a generous bus driver in New York.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Justin! La pasta, por favor.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55TRANSLATION: A lot of people here call him the Superman of Roosevelt Avenue.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59He is the person that sees the emotion and needs of all of us.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Isn't that lovely? A bit of human kindness can go a long way.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14I hope you enjoyed the show. It's been a pleasure. Good night.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd