0:00:02 > 0:00:10THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE
0:00:20 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:29Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you very much indeed. Oh, it's lovely.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Thank you. Thank you.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Silence, silence, silence.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Hello, and welcome to Good News.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Every week, I'll be going from door-to-door to find stories to make you laugh.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43So, what have we learned this week?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Adam Boulton hates his cameraman.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49See that man there? He's a real A-hole.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58Have you seen John Desborough's impression of Johnny Vegas in a bakery?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Cheesecake.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02LAUGHTER
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Cheesecake.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08So, why is Peter Mandelson so pleased with his new secretary?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Much tighter. Much, much tighter.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:15 > 0:01:17So, the election night is finally here.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19The last few weeks have been full of drama.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Gordon Brown revealed his ultimate fantasy.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Angels dressed in nurses' uniforms.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Cameron bored a kid in a blue shirt.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35We recognise that we've got to do more to mend our broken society
0:01:35 > 0:01:39and build a stronger society in the poorest parts of our country...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41LAUGHTER
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Nick Clegg discussed the drawbacks of his massive penis.
0:01:45 > 0:01:50I've had single mothers in tears in my office in Sheffield.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53So, the campaign is finally over.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57I tell you what, Gordon Brown's had a tough week.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Gordon Brown has been caught on a microphone
0:01:59 > 0:02:03calling a voter who confronted him in Rochdale a bigot.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06This has had a catastrophic effect on his campaign.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09The poor man had to go around to her house and apologise.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Then, when he got there, amazingly, he left his mic on again.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18I don't know if you know this, we've actually got audio of what happened inside the house.
0:02:18 > 0:02:24The Prime Minister is now turning up at Mrs Duffy's house.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Hello, Mr Brown. - GUNSHOTS
0:02:31 > 0:02:34She has accepted that there was a misunderstanding
0:02:34 > 0:02:35and she's accepted my apology.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38We just don't know what happened.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43He's just had a tough week. Then, after all that, look who had a pop at him.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Gordon Brown, he just looks like a corpse.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Louis Spence!
0:02:49 > 0:02:52To be honest, he's entitled to his opinion.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54The man is obsessed with politics.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I've never voted in my life.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57LAUGHTER
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Never voted. And yet they had him on a politics show.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Did you see the advice he gave for the leaders' debate?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07You enter, maybe, something like this.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09I don't know - all three of you.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Hi, we're here, we've come to run your country. Six, seven, eight.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Imagine Gordon Brown - "Hello, I'm here, I'm here to run...
0:03:21 > 0:03:24"I'm in pain. I'm in real pain."
0:03:24 > 0:03:26He also told them how to use their face.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28The face has a thousand expressions.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Look, here's just a few. Sadness.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Joy. Anger.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Confusion.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39LAUGHTER
0:03:39 > 0:03:41The debate itself was quite dry.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Although, at one stage, Cameron got really pervy.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47And we need to grip it very, very hard.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49LAUGHTER
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Do you like to grip it hard?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54You're damn right I do. LAUGHTER
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Gordon, he had no time for such filth.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01He was too busy pretending to be David Gray.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05MUSIC: "Babylon" by David Gray
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Brown struggled in the debate.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Do you know why? Because he smiled.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23His smile is so unnatural, every time he does it, a fairy dies.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26They are not ready for government. They have not thought through their policies.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:29 > 0:04:32But it's up to the people to decide and it's your decision.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35SCREAMING
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Why?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Why?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45LAUGHTER
0:04:45 > 0:04:47All right.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51I know I shouldn't be laughing, but I thought that was very funny.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Now...
0:04:53 > 0:04:55It wasn't just Brown who had a tough week.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58The media tried to attack Nick Clegg. Sorry.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Mr Long-legged Cleggy Weggy. LAUGHTER
0:05:01 > 0:05:05The Daily Telegraph printed some of Clegg's teenage poetry.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07He reacted like a 14-year-old.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09That is so unfair.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Unfair.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15They said his poetry was awful. I've read it. It wasn't that bad.
0:05:15 > 0:05:21It was nothing compared to a kid at my school who wrote a poem about a cat he'd killed.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22It was pretty funny, though.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25"Miaow, miaow, went the cat.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- "BANG went my hammer." - LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:32That was some nativity play.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I felt a bit sorry for Clegg.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37We've all made mistakes at school. At least he didn't have this haircut.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:47You didn't have to keep it up that that long, did you?
0:05:47 > 0:05:52Talking of hair, Cameron spent a lot of time preening himself.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00He should be more like his wife. She doesn't care what her hair looks like.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:06It's been a long, hard election campaign for Clegg, Brown and Cameron.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11Whoever wins, whoever loses, they should know there's always something they can fall back on.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15# I used to be the main express
0:06:16 > 0:06:20# All steam and whistles heading west
0:06:20 > 0:06:26# Picking up my pain from door to door
0:06:26 > 0:06:28# Riding on the storyline
0:06:28 > 0:06:30# Furnace burning overtime
0:06:30 > 0:06:34# But this train don't stop
0:06:34 > 0:06:39# This train don't stop
0:06:39 > 0:06:45# This train don't stop there anymore. #
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Now, there's a huge summer of football ahead of us.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Some people think they have the solution to the perfect football song.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Academics in Sussex have been using cutting edge science
0:07:05 > 0:07:07to create the perfect song for fans.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12They were searching for the ultimate word that would inspire players and came up with this.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17Kabanga, kabanga, kabanga, kabanga, kabanga.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21So, kabanga came up trumps in the science lab.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Will it actually work in the football stands?
0:07:24 > 0:07:25No.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER
0:07:27 > 0:07:32Kabanga sounds like something an ewok would shout if you flicked him in the nuts.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36LAUGHTER
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Not that you would. Why would you do that?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Besides, do you know what kabanga is? It's a small town in Tanzania.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46That's the equivalent of Africans chanting, "Basingstoke!
0:07:46 > 0:07:50"Basingstoke!" You can't make chants using science.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54The best chants just evolve. They're a little bit nasty and they're very funny.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Man United sing this to Korean international, Park Ji-Sung.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01They sing, "Park, Park, wherever you may be.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03"You eat dogs in your own country.
0:08:03 > 0:08:08"It could be worse, you could be Scouse, eating rats in your council house."
0:08:08 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:12To their own player.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15That's a chant, not, "Kabanga!"
0:08:15 > 0:08:20When a team is playing at Norwich, this is what they sing at their fans, "Your sister is your mother,
0:08:20 > 0:08:21"your uncle is your brother,
0:08:21 > 0:08:28"you all fuck one another, the Norwich family." Duh-duh-duh-duh. Hey!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31England fans shouldn't shout kabanga. They should shout this.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Whatever people chant, the World Cup is going to be amazing.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08There's nothing better than seeing a goal so brilliant that everyone watching is amazed.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11When I say everyone, I mean everyone.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Oooh, what a goal!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Can you believe it?!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Now, have you seen the latest art project in Manchester?
0:09:34 > 0:09:39Spencer Tunick is an American artist well known for his nude photo shoots.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Spencer's been capturing the everyday crowds of Manchester,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45with one small difference.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47His models are naked.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51He takes a photo of hundreds of naked people, he's an artist.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I take a photo of one girl from a hedge.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56All of a sudden, I'm a weirdo.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57LAUGHTER
0:09:57 > 0:10:01What I want to know is, why are nudists always the last people you want to see naked?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04It's never some gorgeous young woman shaped like an hour glass.
0:10:04 > 0:10:09It's some old troll who looks like someone stapled a minge on a sausage roll.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:10:15 > 0:10:17"Do you like it?" "NO!"
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Greggs has gone bad.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25This isn't the first time that Spencer Tunick has done this.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29He did the same thing in Sydney earlier this year and the Aussies loved it.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Awesome to see, you know? Pregnant women out here,
0:10:32 > 0:10:33people with their babies.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34The babies were awesome.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Natural and human. It was great.
0:10:36 > 0:10:41"It was amazing, just incredible. It's just one of those moments you'll never ever forget."
0:10:41 > 0:10:45- Manchester, very different. - I was freezing.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48"I were bloody freezing.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51"I looked down and I thought I had three balls.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53LAUGHTER
0:10:53 > 0:10:56"I had to sit in the bath and try and coax the bastard back to life."
0:10:56 > 0:10:57LAUGHTER
0:10:57 > 0:11:00"I had a hairdryer. He looked like a terrified shrew."
0:11:00 > 0:11:02LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Mind you, I think I know why the people of Sydney were quite so happy.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Everyone came together.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09LAUGHTER
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Now, next up, a wonderful story about idiocy.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Have you heard the one about the man who bought a boat on the internet,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26decided to sail it home,
0:11:26 > 0:11:30but navigated using a road atlas?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34No, I haven't. But tell me more.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36The nautical novice set off
0:11:36 > 0:11:37from Gillingham, in Kent,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39aiming for Southampton.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Keeping the land to his right,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43he thought he couldn't go wrong but
0:11:43 > 0:11:48he failed to notice on his road map the dangers of the Isle of Sheppey.
0:11:48 > 0:11:54So, mistakenly, he sailed around that instead and ran out of fuel.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57So, did this make him stop? Oh, no.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01His intentions were to find a petrol station to refill his 20 litre can
0:12:01 > 0:12:03and then go off to Southampton.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05He did actually ask, which way? Left or right?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Left or right.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Left.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I tell you what,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17he was a real hit with the locals.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19He was going clock-wise.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22But instead of going around there, he went around there.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:26 > 0:12:29He had a sat-naff. LAUGHTER
0:12:29 > 0:12:31RUSSELL LAUGHS
0:12:31 > 0:12:33"Wanker!"
0:12:33 > 0:12:35This is a classic British response.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Is there anything we love more than than someone cocking up?
0:12:38 > 0:12:42This week, The Sun collected some of the worst quiz answers in history.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- This has to be my favourite. - Another starter question.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48The nicknames Cheesemongers, Cherry Pickers, Bob's Own,
0:12:48 > 0:12:51the Emperor's Chambermaids, and the Immortals
0:12:51 > 0:12:55are or have been used for which groups of men?
0:12:55 > 0:12:59- Homosexuals?- No, they're regiments in the British army.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01They'd be very upset with you, UMIST!
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Now, terrifying news for the people of Cambridge.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11A vicious swan which has been attacking people
0:13:11 > 0:13:15using the River Cam has moved near Cambridge's historic city centre.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16A swan attacking people.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19How are they going to show that on the news? How are you?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22I managing to keep busy. I mean the main thing is the business.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Bloody hell!
0:13:25 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Have you seen the name they've given the swan?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33We filmed the swan nicknamed Mr ASBO
0:13:33 > 0:13:36last year on a normally peaceful river.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41Mr ASBO. He sounds like the scummiest Mr Men character ever.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44What will they call his wife, Little Miss Happy Slap?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I know what you're thinking, just kick the swan's head in.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Well, there's a problem with that.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52The Queen technically owns all the unmarked mute swans
0:13:52 > 0:13:54in open water in Britain.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59Imagine trying to kill the swan, and suddenly the Queen's like, "I wouldn't do that if you were you."
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Just surrounded by thousands of swans.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05"Philip, release the pretties."
0:14:05 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:07 > 0:14:09"With pleasure, Big Mama."
0:14:12 > 0:14:15So, who have the villagers turned to?
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Animal communicator, Michelle Childerley, who claims she's been
0:14:19 > 0:14:24able to calm him down by linking with him telepathically.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Telepathically.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29"What's that, Mr Swan?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31"Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34"He says he wants some bread."
0:14:34 > 0:14:37What I did, I communicated with him from home.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42He expressed this anger towards humans that he was feeling.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43From home?
0:14:43 > 0:14:47How does that work? "Mum, there's a swan on the phone for you."
0:14:48 > 0:14:51HE IMITATES A SWAN
0:14:51 > 0:14:53"Another happy customer."
0:14:53 > 0:14:57It's clearly bollocks. We've actually got footage of her chatting with the swan.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58He's not happy.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Hello, Mr Swan. How are you today?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Suck my beak, Wizadora!
0:15:04 > 0:15:08I lost a fight with a goose and I've got something wrong with me dick.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Anything I can do to help?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Why don't you and your fat cameraman fuck off?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Rub some lentils on your tits, you fucking hippy.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23He's being calm and not aggressive at all.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26You think that's the strangest animal story of the week?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Guess again. Look at this.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32This is Dogger, Kitty and Mousy.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33We travel around the country.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36We like teaching people to get along.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39We have a lot of fun with this. Say, "Cheese", guys.
0:15:39 > 0:15:44I think it's pretty cool. They all stay up there balancing. It's really nice.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46What nutter goes, "I've been wasting my life.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51"Get me a cat, a rat, and dog and some Pritt Stick"?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Why can't people get along?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56If they can do it, why can't we?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I tell you what, wouldn't it be great if one day the rat, the cat and the dog
0:15:59 > 0:16:02all looked at each other and went, "Let's eat this prick"?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Now, we've had bizarre explanations for the recession.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Have you heard the latest?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Apparently, it's all down to porn.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16A new report obtained by ABC News reveals
0:16:16 > 0:16:18that some top government officials
0:16:18 > 0:16:20responsible for policing Wall Street
0:16:20 > 0:16:24have a staggering obsession with pornography,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27spending hour after hour surfing porn sites
0:16:27 > 0:16:29on their government computers.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34They said the bankers were blind not to see the recession, and now we know why.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36The most serious violators include
0:16:36 > 0:16:40a senior attorney at SEC Headquarters in Washington
0:16:40 > 0:16:42who spent up to eight hours a day
0:16:42 > 0:16:44accessing internet porn
0:16:44 > 0:16:49and had boxes of pornographic CDs and DVDs in his office.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Eight hours a day.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55His poor dick, I bet it glows in the dark.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57LAUGHTER
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Every time he turns on his laptop, his cock is like, "NO!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"NO!"
0:17:02 > 0:17:07What I want to know, how did nobody in the office notice eight hours a day?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Imagine the size of his right arm.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12He probably looks like a wonky Popeye.
0:17:12 > 0:17:19Another accountant attempted to access porn websites 1,800 times in a two week period.
0:17:19 > 0:17:231,800 times. That's unbelievable!
0:17:23 > 0:17:28And she had 600 pornographic images on her government hard drive.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30She?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33All right!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Men watching porn - evil.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Women watching porn - hello, Mama.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40HE HOWLS
0:17:40 > 0:17:44I figured out the way to stop this. We've reconfigure their laptops
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- so that every time they look at porn, this happens. - SIREN SOUNDS
0:17:55 > 0:17:58"I was on Google."
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Apparently, everyone in the office was looking at porn.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05The accountant, the CEOs, the cleaners... Even the Hoovers.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10GROANING AND MOANING
0:18:14 > 0:18:16LAUGHTER
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Filthy red little BASTARD!
0:18:21 > 0:18:26Now, this is possibly the most shocking sport in the world.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29The baby weeping contest has been held in Tokyo for 20 years.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34The rules are simple - two students sumo wrestlers each hold a young child,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37and whoever makes one of them cry first is the winner.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43We try to surprise them by shaking them up a little bit.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45It's a kind of battle with babies.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48It's a battle with babies.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50It's not a battle, it's just being nasty.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53It's not like the baby can fight back.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57"You may have made me cry, fatty, but at least I can see my dick."
0:18:57 > 0:19:03What must babies think when they meet a sumo? "Shit!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"I want to see the titties that feed this bastard."
0:19:06 > 0:19:08You're probably thinking,
0:19:08 > 0:19:12"Oh, well, at least the wrestlers won't go too far because there's a referee."
0:19:12 > 0:19:18When the wrestlers fail to get a rise, the referees step in to boost the fear factor.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21He uses a mask.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Shocking.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:31The incredible thing is, the mums don't even care.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I think it's a good thing.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36It's just a game to make these children cry.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38It's so they grow up nice and healthy.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Yeah, that'll work. "You seem balanced."
0:19:41 > 0:19:45"Well, a fat man in a nappy used to make me weep."
0:19:45 > 0:19:48The sumos should watch out, the babies are hitting back.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Some of them are learning karate.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Wooooo!
0:19:54 > 0:19:58LAUGHTER
0:20:02 > 0:20:04APPLAUSE
0:20:07 > 0:20:10So, what has been this week's health scare?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13People may find sunbeds as addictive as drug taking,
0:20:13 > 0:20:14according to new research.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Addicted to a sunbed.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- What are you, a fucking moth? - LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Will there be people on street corners, "Oi, do you want a bang on a torch?"
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Just dressing up as a ship and going near a lighthouse.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31"Shine on me. Shine on me."
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Mind you, if you're a sunbed addict, you'll be delighted by this.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Experts say each of us has a magnetic field.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42This man's is strong enough to illuminate a light bulb by his touch.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Pretty impressive, but don't show him doing it like this.
0:20:46 > 0:20:52Let there be light. One man takes this often-quoted phrase
0:20:52 > 0:20:53to a whole new level.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56You've make him look like a randy Jedi.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57LAUGHTER
0:20:57 > 0:21:00"The force is strong in this one.
0:21:01 > 0:21:06"Kabanga." Now, sunbeds may be bad for you, but here's something that isn't.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10A report out this week indicates that a greasy fry up
0:21:10 > 0:21:12may actually be the best way to start the day.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15This is fantastic. Nobody can resist a cooked breakfast.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Even vegetarians have trouble.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19A vegetarian being offered a full English
0:21:19 > 0:21:22is the equivalent of a straight man being offered Johnny Depp.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24"You know what, I said I wouldn't,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27"but yes, I bloody well will.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31"I look forward to this. Be gentle with me, Scissorhands."
0:21:31 > 0:21:34In fact, that would be the perfect advert. "Bacon.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36"It's like shagging Johnny Depp."
0:21:36 > 0:21:38LAUGHTER
0:21:38 > 0:21:43It's refreshing to hear a positive food story, because usually when you go through the papers,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46it's things like, "Bacon will kill you",
0:21:46 > 0:21:50"If you drink red wine, you'll die", "Chips will rape your dog."
0:21:50 > 0:21:52The Daily Mail is the worst.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Every day, there's a different fear-mongering story.
0:21:55 > 0:22:01Have you seen how many things they genuinely claim could lead to cancer? It's absolutely ridiculous.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:22:51 > 0:22:55This has to be the creepiest use of technology ever.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Recognisor is a mobile application
0:22:57 > 0:23:00that's changing the face of social networking.
0:23:00 > 0:23:05During a party, you might want to figure out info about the person standing across the room.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Photograph them and let your phone do the stalking.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12SHOCKED LAUGHTER
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Let the phone do the stalking.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19What next? "We've made a lovely little app that shows you the best place to hide the body."
0:23:19 > 0:23:25You can pretty much know everything about them that's listed on the internet within about 30 seconds.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29HE MIMICS A CAMERA CLICKING
0:23:29 > 0:23:31"I see you're allergic to wheat."
0:23:31 > 0:23:34LAUGHTER
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I tell you what, it's going to really scupper cocky blokes at parties.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41- "Yeah, I work in film, I have a house in LA." - HE MIMICS A CAMERA CLICKING
0:23:41 > 0:23:43"Really? Says here you work in ASDA."
0:23:43 > 0:23:48- Mind you, it'll help you root out psycho women. "She seems nice." - HE MIMICS A CAMERA CLICKING
0:23:48 > 0:23:50"Oh, there you are, in a straitjacket,
0:23:50 > 0:23:52"drawing on the wall in your own shit.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55"In ASDA."
0:23:55 > 0:24:00Let's be honest, if you meet someone through stalking, that relationship will end badly.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Mind you, a disastrous romance can sometimes lead to funny break-up letters.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Look at these belters.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26This one is smaller but just as powerful.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36LAUGHTER
0:24:37 > 0:24:40This one is just insane.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Sometimes a headline really grabs you.
0:25:01 > 0:25:0540LL boobs!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07LAUGHTER
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Claire Smedley thought she'd suffocated her boyfriend with her massive jubblies.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16There was an incident with one of my boyfriends
0:25:16 > 0:25:19where we were getting carried away in the bedroom, I was on top.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Before I knew it, his movements went jerky.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I couldn't see what was happening, really, and I stopped
0:25:25 > 0:25:27and I realised he'd passed out.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30LAUGHTER
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Imagine if he'd died. You could not keep a straight face at that funeral.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37"And he died doing what he loved best.
0:25:38 > 0:25:43- "Putting his head in a cleavage and going..." - HE BLUBBERS AND SHOUTS
0:25:43 > 0:25:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:49 > 0:25:54For the last time this series, it's the Good News Story. Enjoy.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59John and Sandy Durban are lifelong football fans
0:25:59 > 0:26:01fulfilling a lifelong dream.
0:26:01 > 0:26:07Far from slowing down in retirement, these pensioners are gearing up for the World Cup in South Africa.
0:26:07 > 0:26:13They booked it over a year ago, and the fact England have now qualified has made it all the sweeter.
0:26:13 > 0:26:19The football-crazy pair cashed in part of John's pension and blew the lot on flights,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22hotels and tickets for the ultimate football-fest.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26This isn't instead of a cruise. We'd rather go to football.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30He who hesitates is lost, and we did it.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33For John, timing is everything.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37I think England are coming through nicely, I really do.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41I've got confidence in Capello, I believe he's a very sound manager.
0:26:41 > 0:26:47Sandy and John have tickets for every England match up to and including the final.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52Now they, like so many others, are hoping Capello's boys can clinch it.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Fantastic. Thank you for watching tonight,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57and watching the entire series. It's been really good fun.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Thank you so much for doing that. Have a wonderful night.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:10 > 0:27:14E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk