0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Thank you.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Hello.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35And welcome to series three of Good News. I'll tell you what, this show is
0:00:35 > 0:00:37really popular in the Philippines.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40'Next, Russell Howard's Good News.'
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Whoa, Whoa, steady on, guys.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53I'm just a man. So what's been going on whilst we've been away?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I think Jeremy Thompson's been putting it about.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58It's sore but I should survive.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Kay Burley has been scaring old ladies.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06It is in fact still locked and that's why all of the...
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Let's have a look at that again.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Not everyone's scared of Burley. This old guy really put her in her place.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21We're almost out of time, Harry,
0:01:21 > 0:01:25but I wonder what it's like being interviewed on live telly.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- Have you ever had that happen to you before?- Yes.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32"Yes, I have." And finally a new sperm bank has opened in Dublin.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36It was supposed to add a little bit of jizz to the economy.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Now, the biggest news of the week - the Chilean miners are free.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51MUSIC: "The Boys Are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy
0:01:59 > 0:02:02It's so lovely, isn't it? It's a genuinely wonderful story.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05My favourite miner without doubt was Super Mario.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09THEY CHANT
0:02:09 > 0:02:13He's incredible. Did you see what he said at the press conference?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:23 > 0:02:29Isn't that amazing? "Hey, Mario. Do you want to talk about your ordeal?"
0:02:29 > 0:02:32"No. I want to bang my wife until she cannot walk."
0:02:32 > 0:02:36"This is one Mario who doesn't need mushrooms to get big.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38"Hey, hey!"
0:02:38 > 0:02:42To be honest, not all of them were as keen as Mario to get out.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Yonni Barrios, the 50-year-old, has both his wife waiting for him,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49and, would you believe, his mistress.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53His wife found out about the affair when she spotted another woman
0:02:53 > 0:02:57clutching a picture of him at the San Jose mine.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59"You guys go ahead. I like it down here!"
0:03:01 > 0:03:07He's fine now. He's moved in with his mistress, and judging by this quote, she's pretty keen on him.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16"How much do you love me, darling?" "This much..."
0:03:18 > 0:03:23"I would have just accepted a hug!" Now, do you know what was fascinating?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27While they were down there, they formed a mini society and took on various jobs.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Some of the men have taken on roles such as doctor or poet.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Poet?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35That's what you need when you're down there, isn't it?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37They're all sat there terrified in the dark and there is a guy
0:03:37 > 0:03:43down there going, "Hey guys, there once was a man from Chile, he fell and his -" shut up!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46We're so scared.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Another minor was a massive Elvis fan.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Apparently he sang to lift their spirits.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I'll tell you what, you'd be pissed off if he did Suspicious Minds.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57# Caught in a trap. # Everybody!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00# I can't walk out. #
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Now they're free their lives have changed forever.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06The 33 miners have been offered a free holiday in Greece.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10They've been invited as guests of Man U and Real Madrid to a home game,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13they're each getting £6,000 from a local businessman,
0:04:13 > 0:04:17an iPod from Apple and they've been promised free sushi for a year.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Holiday - "yay"! Ipod - "yay"! Sushi?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28"Everybody knows I am a Nando's guy."
0:04:28 > 0:04:30It isn't just gifts.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32There's talk of the silver screen.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34But with such extraordinary drama,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37there is little wonder that Hollywood can see the potential.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Already a film has been talked about as a certainty.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42I've actually seen a sneak preview.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55# And if one green bottle should accidentally fall...
0:04:55 > 0:05:02MINERS JOIN IN: # There'll be 999,999, 999... #
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Maybe it isn't an action film. Maybe it's a modern-day bro-mance.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- Hey, Miguel?- Si?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29I wish I knew how to quit you.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41It wasn't all good news this week, certainly not for students.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Graduates could face debts of more than £30,000
0:05:44 > 0:05:47if new recommendations are put in place.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52A major review said universities in England should be able to charge unlimited fees.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54How unfair is that - £30,000 is a lot of money.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Talk about creating a divide - they may as well go to school with a big stamp - oh,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01you're from a wealthy background with loving parents, university.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Oh, you live on an estate and have to live on bog roll, Poundland.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Going to Uni should be based on intelligence, not wealth.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12If you make it this expensive the only people going
0:06:12 > 0:06:17will be posh kids, kids so rich they make Boris Johnson sound like Dappy from N-Dubz.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20He's like - ahh, lagh!
0:06:20 > 0:06:26I have no idea what you're saying, mate, you sound like a lion that's had a stroke.
0:06:26 > 0:06:31Today's review says the current cap on annual fees at just under £3,300 should be scrapped
0:06:31 > 0:06:35and universities should be allowed to charge as much as they like.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37So the best unis can charge what they want.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41And what's left for the rest of us? Budget unis, and nobody wants to go here.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46"Hello, my name's Chantelle.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51"I'll be your guest lecturer. Today's lesson will be quantum - puh-isics.
0:06:51 > 0:06:57"Cheeky. What goes up must come down - reminds me of a Spanish bloke I met.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"He's from Barcelona. He wouldn't leave my arse alona.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"Thank you, thank you.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06"Questions will cost a pound."
0:07:06 > 0:07:10It won't just be easyUni, there'll be Lidl Uni, Ryanuni, before you
0:07:10 > 0:07:13know it, TV will be full of adverts like this.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Got no money, want a degree?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Get down to Dave's Crazy Cut-Price Looney Uni.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Maths degree? £3.99.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Amazing. English degrees?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26£2.99. Unbelievable.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Media degrees. Five for a pound.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Shit the bed!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Forget the rest. Join the best. Can they do this at Cambridge?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- I want to be a doctor.- No problem.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39DING!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41We want to be an astronaut.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Piece of piss.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- I want to be a dancer. - Don't mind if I do.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54The prices are so low you'll think I'm mad.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57But I'm not mad, it was never proven, it wasn't a real doctor.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00You home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on your education.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Dave will send the boys round and take anything of value after punching you very hard in the face.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Now, gentlemen, get ready for some fantastic health news.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15It is the health breakthrough you have been dreaming of -
0:08:15 > 0:08:19staring at a woman's chest will lead to a longer life.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Ladies, you may think it's nonsense. It's true.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I'm 602 years old.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I love the response of the local men.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Are you willing to follow this regimen?
0:08:41 > 0:08:42I have been for many years.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46This is without doubt my favourite reaction.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49So we stare at boobs, we going to live longer.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53- What do you think about that? - I think that's a wonderful idea.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56It's a great excuse for men.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59"Are you staring at another girl's chest?"
0:08:59 > 0:09:03"Yes, I am because I don't want you to be alone when you're old.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08"In fact, just to make sure I make it to 80, I'm going to give them a quick squeeze.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11"You'll thank me later. You all right, madam?"
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Remarkably, they don't just make you live longer.
0:09:15 > 0:09:21Researchers claim just ten minutes of gawking is on par with a 30-minute intense work-out.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Dolly Parton's husband must be built like a brick shit-house.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30So if men look at girls' boobs, it's good for us.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32What if it works the other way around?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34AUDIENCE GROANS
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Well, apparently not!
0:09:38 > 0:09:43Now, incredibly, it isn't just boobs that are good for you. Check out this invention.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46It's lingerie that can save your life.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49The emergency bra, as it's called, doubles as a gas mask,
0:09:49 > 0:09:55with each cup providing a fast way to protect yourself and someone in need.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Taking bras off can save lives.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59I know what you're thinking.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I think that's a wonderful idea.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Teenage boys are going to praying for a gas attack.
0:10:06 > 0:10:12"Dear Osama, can you gas our school so we can see Marie's tits?"
0:10:12 > 0:10:17I tell you what, I hope there isn't one when I am around my nan's. I'd rather die.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22"I can smell anthrax, don't worry, Russ, I'll unhook myself."
0:10:22 > 0:10:23No-ooo!
0:10:23 > 0:10:27"It's all right, sweet Prince. We're going to make it through this."
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Now, take a look at this incredible story from Iraq.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41A man stopped at a checkpoint,
0:10:41 > 0:10:45an Iraqi Army officer looks under his car and shouts "There's a bomb.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48"Get away." Soldiers immediately accuse the car's terrified
0:10:48 > 0:10:52occupants of being terrorists and threaten dire retribution.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56You're probably thinking, why are you showing me this? Take a look.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58This man's fear is all too real,
0:10:58 > 0:11:02but the bomb's a fake, and the soldiers are actors.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05This is reality TV, Baghdad-style.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07It's a prank show!
0:11:07 > 0:11:12They put bombs in a car for a prank!
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Unbelievable. I find it shocking, and I am not the only one.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Who thought of this? They're like, "What do we do next?
0:11:22 > 0:11:23"How about we accuse a wife of adultery,
0:11:23 > 0:11:28"threaten to stone her, then at the last minute custard pie!"
0:11:28 > 0:11:33Mind you if you think their reality shows are insane, you should see their version of Countdown.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Now, talking of shocking TV.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Channel 4 has defended a programme
0:11:49 > 0:11:53which depicts Prince Harry being kidnapped by the Taliban.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56In the show an actor playing the prince is taken hostage when his
0:11:56 > 0:11:58military helicopter crashes in Afghanistan.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01It's staggering. Do you reckon they'll do it in a Big Brother style?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05"Day 34 and Harry's getting tortured"
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Have you seen what it's called?
0:12:07 > 0:12:11This is an image from The Taking Of Prince Harry.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Surely they should have called it "When Harry Met Talli". Come on!
0:12:19 > 0:12:25It's that opportunity for ratings! Wouldn't that be great - they're trying to torture him,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27and he's just there going - "Ahh! Ahh!"
0:12:27 > 0:12:32That bloke in the corner, "I'll have what he's having!"
0:12:32 > 0:12:39As ever, with a story like this you can rely upon Sky News to ask some stupid questions.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Are you not putting ideas into the heads of the extremists?
0:12:41 > 0:12:46They are actually suggesting that the Taliban watch Channel 4, like
0:12:46 > 0:12:48they're sat in a cave going, "Let's build a bomb."
0:12:48 > 0:12:51"In a minute, I'm watching Coach Trip."
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"We need to destroy the infidels."
0:12:53 > 0:12:56"Later. Jamie Oliver is making fat people cry."
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Mind you, if the Taliban are watching British TV,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04let's try to distract them by making shows just for them.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07They won't have time to fight if they're watching these beauties,
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Middle EastEnders and my personal favourite -
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Just trying to make the world a better place.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Whatever you're doing stop for a minute because this next story is wonderful.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30Get ready to meet Britain's longest married couple. This is great, you're going ot love it.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34107-year-old Ralph and 101-year-old Phyllis
0:13:34 > 0:13:38have been married longer than any other couple in Britain.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41The Tarrants got married in 1933.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45They have gone on to have two children, seven grandchildren,
0:13:45 > 0:13:50three great grandchildren and a great, great grandchild.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53So, what's the secret to a long marriage?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55She goes her way. I go mine.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01No...
0:14:06 > 0:14:09"We just hang out in different rooms."
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Also the fact that his wife is piss funny.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16We're getting old, ancient.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21He said "getting".
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Boom.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I'm like a wrinkly ninja. She's incredible - look at this.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31He tries to tell them about his adventures. She's got other ideas.
0:14:31 > 0:14:37I've explored Rivelin Valley right from Malin Bridge right up to the Downs.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Would you like a coffee or anything?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42You can swim...
0:14:42 > 0:14:47I'm fine, thank you. He does talk a lot though, doesn't he?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49He does.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Gets on your nerves!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59So, one of the major political stories since we've been away
0:14:59 > 0:15:02is the fact that Ed Miliband is the new Labour leader.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05It's easy to see why they went for him, he looks so dynamic.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16He's like a melting Mr Bean.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Did you see the moment he beat his brother? David looked gutted.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Never in my wildest imagination that I did believe
0:15:25 > 0:15:28that I would one day lead this party.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31We can also be a serious party of Government again.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37If you pressed the red button you could hear David's inner monologue.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39David, I love you so much...
0:15:39 > 0:15:43'You little prick.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44'You may have won,
0:15:44 > 0:15:49'but at least I didn't get a boner watching Watership Down!'
0:15:49 > 0:15:51So what else did we learn from the Labour conference?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55I'll tell you what Tessa Jowell's not as popular as she used to be.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Our first speaker is the right honourable Tessa Jowell,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Shadow Minister for the Olympics.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:16:03 > 0:16:07One lady was so bored, she made herself a fancy hat.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15We couldn't do politics section without mentioning Boris. Cameron was going, "Your country needs you".
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Boris was trying to organise the world's biggest pub crawl.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23From Falkirk to Guildford, to Scarborough, to Leeds, to Rotherham,
0:16:23 > 0:16:24to Blackburn, to Ballymena.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28One bloke went last year, it sounded pretty debauched.
0:16:28 > 0:16:35Eight children, a mum and dad, and a gran, three cows, a goat and a calf.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38It was an extraordinary night.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Let's be honest, the best thing about conference season -
0:16:43 > 0:16:47live TV - which means people in the background.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49No-one knows who it will be.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- All agree...- We would like Miliband.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57- He seems to know the result. Sadly, no-one can be sure... - And not rubber band.
0:16:57 > 0:17:03It could be worse for Nick Robinson, he could have encountered this Portuguese nutter. I love this guy.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07HE SPEAKS PORTUGUESE
0:17:29 > 0:17:33It goes on for literally ten minutes. He doesn't leave him alone.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10I tell you what, I can watch that for hours!
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Have you seen the latest advance in teaching?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Have you ever heard of a dog helping children to read?
0:18:20 > 0:18:26Kids here in Maidstone still get excited when they see their new teaching assistants walk in.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29It's one man and his dog.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34You couldn't make this up. Schools are hiring dogs to help kids read....
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Dogs as teachers!
0:18:35 > 0:18:38I tell you what, I've had some bad teachers in my time,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40but none of them ever dry-humped my leg,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43except for Mr Watkins...!
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Do you know why they're using dogs?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Apparently it works because a dog won't criticise.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Dogs don't criticise, but they do lick their balls.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03I would rather have a teacher have a go at me than watch a Great Dane rim itself!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05It's hardly going to help kids, is it?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08What will they do if they're attacked by a pitbull?
0:19:08 > 0:19:13"He's ripping my leg off!" "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
0:19:13 > 0:19:18If they've got a dog helping them with English it makes you wonder, who's their music teacher?
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Possibly the strangest food story of the week was this.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Sales of cereal raise money for Feed the Children.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42But if you try to call the charity's toll free number printed on the box,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44you'll make a shocking discovery.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47The 800 number is supposed to connect you
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- to the charity Feed the Children. - But instead...
0:19:49 > 0:19:52If you call the number on the back,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55you won't reach the deserving charity, you'll reach a sex line.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Eating cereal and listening to a sex line, I know what you're thinking.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I think that's a wonderful idea!
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Do you reckon the sex lines are cereal themed, just Snap,
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Crackle and Pop huddled around the phone, going, "I'm feeling my boobs.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14"They're ludicrously tasty."
0:20:15 > 0:20:18The monkey in the corner - "I'll turn your milk chocolaty!"
0:20:20 > 0:20:23A lot of parents are upset. It could have been worse.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26At least they weren't giving away a free toy inside the packet!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Is it me, or has school really changed?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41It could be any primary school at home time.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45But Cherry Fold in Burnley has found itself the centre of a drugs scandal.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50Teachers found children aged just nine years old were carrying cannabis in the playground.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Primary school kids dealing drugs.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Apparently they were charging 50p a spliff.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I think I speak for everyone when I say that is a good deal.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02I bet the playground was full of potheads dressed like schoolboys.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03"Hello!"
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Can you imagine kids on pot! That would really change lessons.
0:21:06 > 0:21:12I bet they were sat there going, "I must be stoned.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I'm reading to a dog!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22"And it's rimming itself."
0:21:32 > 0:21:34This is the part of the show I know nothing about.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37There's a mystery guest, who's been in the news.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38I have to figure out who they are.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40So please welcome my mystery guest.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Hello. How are you?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Oh, shit. Oh, mind myself!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Hello, nice to meet you I'm Russell.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58- What's your name?- Colin.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Excellent, Colin. Nice to meet you. What's all this? Explain these contraptions.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06This is supposed to be my workshop.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07- Right.- Sort of thing.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Do you know, I know who you are straight away. Literally, I know exactly who you are.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- You, you're the James Bond guy, aren't you?- I am, yes.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Fucking right.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- I'm not here for that.- Oh, right, OK. - There's another reason.
0:22:19 > 0:22:25Last year didn't you invent a motorbike that fires... Can you explain to everyone what it did?
0:22:25 > 0:22:30- I thought it would be a good idea to put a...- I know what it is! I know why you're in the news
0:22:30 > 0:22:33and it's a pleasure to meet you. This man, correct me if I am wrong,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36made a shop-mobility scooter go at 69 miles per hour.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Exactly!
0:22:42 > 0:22:46- I can show it to you if you want. - Have you got it here?- I have.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50You had me at disability scooter.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Colin, bring out the beast.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Wait a minute, we're having a technical problem.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07What is the technical problem, Colin?
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Keep entertaining, I'll be with you in a minute.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- Just a minute.- OK.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19It's like a live version of Wallace and Gromit, isn't it?
0:23:19 > 0:23:26Colin, what made you decide that you wanted pensioners to travel as fast as they could?
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Um...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I don't know.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Colin, have you ever made love on your shop-mobility scooter?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38There's a first for everything.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40ENGINE REVS
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- This has snapped.- OK, cool. So is it broken now?
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Well, sort of, yeah.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- Can I have a go on it? - You can sit on it.- I want to go fast.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07It's not as good, is it?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Here you are... I'll push you. - That's not the same.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- Push me for a bit. - I've got to put it in neutral now.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Sweet!
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Let's have a push at it.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- Come on, Russell.- Thank you.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22To the shops, dear?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41I tell you what, that feels good!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44We have a video of this working, I do believe,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- to kind of rescue my reputation. - OK, let's have a look at it.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Colin broke the record... what was the record you broke?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09There wasn't a record, because nobody's done it before.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13- But Guinness said... - Of course nobody's done it before!
0:25:13 > 0:25:18Guinness said they would only accept if I got above 61.4 which is 100kms an hour.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23Wouldn't it have been lovely if an there's an old lady at home just kind of goes, "I'll beat that."
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- What's next?- I haven't flown yet and I haven't conquered the water.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Nice.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33"I haven't conquered the water" - oh, my God, people don't say that often enough, do they?
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Nice to meet you, Colin. It's a genuine pleasure.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my mystery man!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Here's a strange story from New Zealand.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50A Christchurch father of two red-haired boys
0:25:50 > 0:25:53is all fired up a radio station's hug-a-ginger day promotion.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Every year a radio station in New Zealand encourages people
0:25:57 > 0:26:00to hug as many ginger-haired people as possible.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03And this bloke who's got two ginger kids is furious.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06My question would be why do they need a hug?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Is there something deficient or lacking in them?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Melanin?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17People say that mocking gingers is just as bad as racism.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Those people, of course, dicks.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22No-one has ever been killed for being strawberry blond.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25There aren't lynch mobs hunting the ginger one out of Girls Aloud.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Black people go, "We used to slaves, we were taken
0:26:27 > 0:26:31"from our homeland, chained up on a ship, forced to work for nothing."
0:26:31 > 0:26:34And there's a ginger bloke saying, "I can't go out in the sun."
0:26:38 > 0:26:39"We suffered violence."
0:26:39 > 0:26:41"I'm so freckly.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45"Can we not both agree, we have suffered?
0:26:46 > 0:26:50"Can black and orange, not come together?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52"They did it with Jaffa Cakes."
0:27:00 > 0:27:04We are always hearing about the next piece of life-changing technology.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Every so often, something comes along that changes someone's life.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10This baby has been fitted with a hearing device
0:27:10 > 0:27:14and is about to hear his mum's voice for the first time ever.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16It's coming back on.
0:27:17 > 0:27:22And, he's back on again. See how he turned?
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Hi, Jonathan.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Hi.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Did you hear that?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Hi, sweetie.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Could you hear that?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Hi.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45You got that, Dad, right?
0:27:47 > 0:27:48There you go, wasn't that wonderful?
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Now, if you've got a good news story you think we should know about,
0:27:55 > 0:27:56log on to our blog and tell us.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Thanks for watching the show, it's been a genuine pleasure.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Thanks very much, goodnight.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:20 > 0:28:24E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk