0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Thank you.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Thank you very much indeed.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Welcome to Good News. So what've we learnt this week?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38We found out what Adam Bolton looks for in a woman.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40A massive honey pot.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Did you see that old woman getting stolen on the telly?
0:00:44 > 0:00:48But it's not going to rise anything like as much. It's going to go up
0:00:48 > 0:00:52£10 billion over the next four years, which is just ahead of inflation.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53"Where am I going?"
0:00:53 > 0:00:59At BBC Breakfast, I think someone's spiked Maureen Lipman's tea.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I think distinctly hard to say, but a harder thing to do would be...
0:01:02 > 0:01:06SHE SPEAKS INCOMPREHENSIBLY
0:01:06 > 0:01:11What kind of creep would spike an old lady's tea?
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Now, if you look closely, I think this guy might be wearing a wig.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24There's more or less a consensus among leading...
0:01:30 > 0:01:33So the biggest news this week involved just one word.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- Cuts.- Cuts.- Cuts.- Cuts.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- Biggest cuts.- Deepest cuts. - Swingeing cuts.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- Vast cuts.- Mmm, cuts!
0:01:42 > 0:01:47There haven't been cuts this bad since this guy discovered masturbation.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52The Spending Review was tricky to understand.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56If only a BBC presenter could describe George Osborne, whilst dry-humping a fire place.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01George Osborne's speech about the economy getting fit
0:02:01 > 0:02:03was something of a marathon.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06So exactly how severe were the cuts?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10The Chancellor reveals £81 billion worth of spending cuts.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13£81 billion. Aarrhhh!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20It's all right for the Cabinet, most are them minted.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23When the cuts were announced the Tories were cheering.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Cheering job losses. What do they do at funerals?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Bring a vuvuzela?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32"George, shove it up his arse!" "You got it, Dave."
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Laughing at cuts.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Maybe they should come up with a new slogan.
0:02:39 > 0:02:45'Conservatives, putting the N into cuts.'
0:02:45 > 0:02:47"We're all in this together."
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I'm so fed up of them saying that.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Besides, they nicked it off Disney in the first place.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- Together.- Together.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Together. Everyone.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58- Together.- Together.
0:02:58 > 0:03:04- So come on, let's- have- some fun. We're all in this- together.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- And- it shows when we- stand
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- Hand in hand- making- our dreams - come- true.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14# Everybody now!#
0:03:18 > 0:03:22So, where has George Osborne been wielding his axe?
0:03:22 > 0:03:26The police had their budget cut by 20%. It's already affecting their transport.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34The Army training has already gone to shit.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46With the sport budget cut by 20%, our Olympic medal chances look slim.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Go, big boy! Oh!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Budget cuts have also hit the BBC.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58It's really affecting programmes. Have you seen the latest Doctor Who monster?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07And finally, even the Royal Family felt the squeeze.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10"Philip, it's terrible, they're freezing our money.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14"We're only getting £30 million! We'll have to sell the corgies."
0:04:14 > 0:04:17"Don't worry Liz, I know just the place."
0:04:21 > 0:04:25If the Queen needs a bit of spare cash maybe she should try stand up.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Just move Posh Spice out the way.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Quick impression.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Stamp.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Here's another one. Who's this guy?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- Who's this guy? It's Peter Crouch. - AUDIENCE: That's shit, mate.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your girlfriend!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Let's hope she doesn't get Philip to write her stuff.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55And that's why she's got a bone in her nose!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58AUDIENCE: Boo!
0:05:02 > 0:05:06That's Peter Crouch. Who's this guy? Peter...
0:05:07 > 0:05:10What annoys me is we're all suffering and yet bankers,
0:05:10 > 0:05:15who caused the financial meltdown in the first place, are still getting massive bonuses.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19That's like making this lady head of the RSPCA!
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Maybe the cuts are necessary, maybe they're not.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27What's depressing is Nick Clegg alongside Cameron.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Remember him before the election?
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Promising he'd keep cuts to a minimum? Now he's Dave's little puppy.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38We've got footage of his soul before and after the election. Here's before...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49And here's after...
0:06:05 > 0:06:10What's lovely, I don't know if you could hear at home, most people are going argh!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12And there's one man going ha, ha, ha!
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Obviously the biggest sports news of the past week was Rooney.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Wayne Rooney pulled off a U-turn today -
0:06:25 > 0:06:29he did want to stay at Manchester United after all.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Yeah, cos now he's getting £250,000 a week!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35The local prostitutes are delighted.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46He was considering going to Manchester City.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50I haven't heard a sentence that dangerous since JFK went, "It's a lovely day.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52"Let's have the roof down."
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Too soon? Too soon.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Apparently, he wanted to leave because Man United lack ambition.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01They're Man United!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04That's like saying The Apprentice lack dickheads!
0:07:05 > 0:07:10Thank God he signed. I was beginning to worry for Alex Ferguson's sanity.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12At one point he compared Rooney to a cow.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16You see a cow and you think it's better than the one in your own field.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19It's a fact.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22And it never really works out that way.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It's probably the same cow and not as good as your own cow.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30R-R-Right. I think you need a lie down.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33People said no good came with the Rooney saga.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Did you see Ian Holloway talking about him?
0:07:35 > 0:07:39He compares Rooney to a semi-detached house.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41They've bought him, they've worked with him.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43He belongs to them.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46You buy a house, you own the deeds.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50It's paid for. If you're lucky enough to do that, it's yours.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55What if it's 24 years you had it for and then it can toddle off and do what it likes?
0:07:57 > 0:08:01It's great. It's like watching one of my pissed uncles.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03"Russ, right. If my house every walked away from me...
0:08:03 > 0:08:09"If I came home and I found my house in bed with another house...
0:08:11 > 0:08:14"I'd get a bungalow."
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I'm pretty sure he thought it was wrong.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22The game is wrong. The people in charge of the game are wrong.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26And I'm not calling them names, I'm just telling them they're wrong.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28UEFA, whoever you are, you're wrong!
0:08:30 > 0:08:36I love this next bit. He obviously wants to swear, but opts instead for the word person.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Some complete person...
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Genius. He's like David Brent.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48Some complete person, who isn't in the real world,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50in our realm, said if you're 24,
0:08:50 > 0:08:54"Oh, yeah, 24, you can go and be what you like and do what you like."
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Who is this person?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59I don't know, Ian. Ian, I don't know.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Probably the saddest football story of the week was this.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Paul the octopus who found fame during this year's World Cup
0:09:07 > 0:09:12for correctly predicting the outcomes of games has died.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I bet he didn't see that coming!
0:09:15 > 0:09:18His funeral was lovely. Apparently they served him with chips.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Thanks, man!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I reckon he died from exhaustion.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26He was the most famous octopus in the world.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29He would've got more action than Russell Brand.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34"What's the matter Paul?" "'Ere, there's been a right hullabaloo!
0:09:34 > 0:09:36"I was fornicating with a pair of kippers,
0:09:36 > 0:09:41"who were going so fast I damn near ripped off me dinkle!"
0:09:44 > 0:09:49Paul had a fascinating life. Did you see what the Iranian President said about him?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58I tell you what, if he thinks that's bad, he'll lose it when he finds out about this.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03"They've called it what?!"
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Some say Paul died in his sleep, others that he was killed.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Killed?! What kind of creepy weirdo would kill an octopus?
0:10:18 > 0:10:23Probably the most ridiculous story of the week was from America.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Bakery refuses gay customer.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Some bigot won't serve a gay man.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31This is what they were after - a multi-coloured cupcake to
0:10:31 > 0:10:33celebrate National Coming Out Day,
0:10:33 > 0:10:37but the student who had the order placed at Just Cookies was told no.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Have a look at the reason why he wouldn't serve them.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43We're a family run business.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48We have two young impressionable daughters and we thought maybe it would be best not to do that.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53What a dick! Your daughters aren't going to start lezzing up if they see a gay man eating.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57I've seen Louis Spence eat a trifle. I didn't think, "I'd tap that."
0:10:57 > 0:11:00It's 2010!
0:11:00 > 0:11:04How can you be homophobic, especially if you're a baker?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Any man who makes a living by pumping cream into buns
0:11:06 > 0:11:11is in no position to criticise the gay community.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15APPLAUSE
0:11:15 > 0:11:18It doesn't stop there.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Everything in a bakery sounds a bit camp.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Fairy cakes. Fondant fancies.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Walnut whips.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29I've never gone into a bakers' and seen a called call a cinnamon fanny magnet.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34And I've looked!
0:11:34 > 0:11:38I think he should just chill out. All they wanted was a rainbow cake.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39It's not as if they asked for this.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46I bet there's a horny diabetic sat at home going, "Mmm."
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Now, some truly amazing animal stories this week.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Have you heard about the latest international criminal?
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Indian media are reporting that police are holding a pigeon under
0:12:03 > 0:12:08armed guard after it was caught on an alleged spying mission from Pakistan.
0:12:10 > 0:12:15They put a pigeon in prison for spying.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18"I remember the first time I saw Andy.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20"He wasn't like the other prisoners
0:12:20 > 0:12:22"because he was a pigeon."
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Officials have banned anyone from visiting the pigeon,
0:12:26 > 0:12:31which police say may have been on a special mission of spying.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Why would anyone use a pigeon to spy?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36"Did you find the information?"
0:12:36 > 0:12:40"I was going to, but there was a bloke handing out bread and I love bread.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45"Then I see a pizza and I was dragging it across Trafalgar Square.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47"No actually spying as such."
0:12:48 > 0:12:51The pigeon had a ring around its foot and a Pakistani phone number
0:12:51 > 0:12:54and address stamped on its body in red ink.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56That doesn't mean he's a spy!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Maybe he went to a party and pulled.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04"Don't lock him up cos he got some pigeon pussy!"
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Actually, I doubt they call it pussy. Let's be honest.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11They're terrified of cats.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14It would be like an elephant going "Nice poacher."
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Don't worry about the pigeon.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20His bail's been paid after this bloke
0:13:20 > 0:13:22claimed he knew him when he was younger.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Moving away from spying, did you hear about Pushkin the religious cat?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31A cat who was given a blessing from Pope
0:13:31 > 0:13:36Benedict on his visit to Birmingham has started receiving fan mail.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37The world has gone insane!
0:13:37 > 0:13:40People are writing letters to a cat!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Since Pushkin first appeared, he's received correspondence
0:13:43 > 0:13:47from all over the world, including Wolverhampton where
0:13:47 > 0:13:52Ginger the cat has written to say he was simply magnificent.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57"Magnificent, darling! I smell a BAFTA."
0:13:57 > 0:14:01It wasn't just Ginger. Everyone loves him.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03He's had some correspondence from Canada,
0:14:03 > 0:14:07from a priest who also had a cat called Pushkin.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Ooh, that's nice, isn't it?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12The cat sadly died.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15LAUGHTER
0:14:16 > 0:14:18LAUGHTER
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Pushkin is clearly a bit of a player.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25And it's not the first time Pushkin's had a brush with somebody in a high place.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27He previously met Princess Michael of Kent.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30And doesn't he look delighted. Can we have a look at that photo again?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32That's a terrified cat!
0:14:35 > 0:14:39He looks like he's going, "Why is she wearing my brother on her head!?"
0:14:39 > 0:14:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Now, here's something you don't hear every day.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Is the UK turning into the UKKK?
0:14:51 > 0:14:55And are there evil racist babies to blame?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57More than 250,000 British kids have been accused of racism.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00LAUGHTER
0:15:00 > 0:15:04Don't you laugh! Racist babies.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06That's right. Britain is full of racist babies.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Finally somebody is talking about this.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12I'm so sick and tired of their evil ways.
0:15:12 > 0:15:17When babies come out of the womb, they're not squinting, they're doing impressions of Chinese people.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22The other day I asked a three-year-old, "What do you want to do when you're older?"
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Do you know what he said to me? "Kill Lenny Henry."
0:15:25 > 0:15:29He said he was going to visit every Premier Inn till he found him.
0:15:30 > 0:15:35Yesterday I saw a toddler run into a mosque dressed as Peppa Pig!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I saw it!
0:15:40 > 0:15:41It doesn't end there.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46When will their vile racism stop?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49If you could understand what they were saying, you'd be on my side.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53GURGLES
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Obviously, I'm joking.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Babies aren't racist, they don't care about colour or creed.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12All they care about, have you got boobs? Can I have a go on them?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17They're not racist, they're sexist!
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Hey, watch out, we have a new enemy.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27The war on terror may now involve battling monkeys.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31The Taliban is training them to shoot and kill American soldiers.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34What absolute shit!
0:16:34 > 0:16:40The last monkey I saw wasn't planning a murder, he was doing something unspeakable to a frog.
0:16:40 > 0:16:46Here's a tip. If your brother sends you an e-mail that says, "Monkey rapes frog,"
0:16:46 > 0:16:48don't open it.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50The clue is in the name.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54I'll never get that image out of my head.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58I can't even look at Kermit, and there's probably a few of you thinking,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00"I'll Google that later." Don't Google it!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02LAUGHTER
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Rip the cord out your computer, run away, don't look at it!
0:17:07 > 0:17:13It's exactly what it says, it's a monkey, a frog, the word, you know what's going to happen!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Trickiest wank I ever had.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:27 > 0:17:30But I digress.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32It's ridiculous, there are no monkey soldiers.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Check out the army's response.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38US military or NATO has not commented on the report.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I'll tell you why, because it's bollocks.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Look at that picture, look at it.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45That's clearly Photoshopped.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49No monkey holds a gun, let alone in a gangster style.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56That's something they put on the news. You can't make it scarier by faking pictures.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00If that's allowed, you could say anything, I could say "All monkeys are Nazi," and show this.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06And if I had that power, you'd see me on the News At Ten going,
0:18:06 > 0:18:10"Ladies and gentlemen, I can officially announce monkeys hate pop music."
0:18:10 > 0:18:15# Baby, baby, baby, oh Baby... #
0:18:15 > 0:18:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:22 > 0:18:25This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29There's going to be a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who it is.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I got it straight away last week.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Here's hoping. Please welcome my mystery guest.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38APPLAUSE
0:18:44 > 0:18:51- Hello, mate.- Nice to meet you.- Can I come on board?- Come on board. - Excellent. Where would you like me?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53LAUGHTER
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I'm Russell, nice to meet you. Tell me about yourself?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- Some people say I'm...- Feels like we're in the bath doesn't it?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02LAUGHTER
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- Some people say I'm a sailor. - Why would they say you're a sailor?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Because I do a lot of sailing.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- OK.- A lot.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I'm like Parkinson, aren't I?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18LAUGHTER
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Whereabouts do you sail? Have you sailed around the world?
0:19:21 > 0:19:27- No, no, no, I wish, not in the boat, no. No, I haven't. - What's the furthest you've sailed?
0:19:29 > 0:19:34- On the current boat?- Yes. - The one that I sank last week, ooh,
0:19:34 > 0:19:3720, 20 or 30 miles, I suppose.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Hang on.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43- You weren't the reason that submarine crashed were you? - No.- It would be fantastic.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45You're like that, "Out the way!"
0:19:45 > 0:19:48So you've crashed many boats.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53- Is that it?- You're kind of on the right track, yes.- Do you hold the record for the most boats crashed?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Well, you're kind of along the right lines, not exactly.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Can I give you another clue?
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Yes, I'd love a clue.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04- The press...- The press... - ..have named me...
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Have named you?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Captain Calamity.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Captain Calamity, so it would imply that you're the world's worst sailor?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- Yes.- You're the world's worst sailor? - Yeah.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15How do you know that?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Because the press said so!
0:20:18 > 0:20:19LAUGHTER
0:20:19 > 0:20:24Why, what have you done? What's the worst thing? List some of your mistakes?
0:20:24 > 0:20:2714 call-outs by the RNLI.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29What's the most embarrassing call-out?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Twice in one day.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Twice in one day?!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I capsized my boat, turned it upside down.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I know what capsized means.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Completely inverted the boat in the morning,
0:20:44 > 0:20:49went out again in the afternoon and did exactly the same thing.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51If you're that bad, don't take this the wrong way,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53why do you keep coming back to the sea?
0:20:53 > 0:20:58I love it, it's a passion. Puts a big smile on my face.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- Being in the water? - Sailing, I just love it.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05- Under the water, over the water, through the water, love it.- What do the locals think about you?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I'd say some think I'm probably a complete dickhead.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Some probably think I'm a bit of an anti-hero,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17some people just understand that I love to go out sailing
0:21:17 > 0:21:22- and love to push the limits.- Sweet. - Yes.- Do you go out with people?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Generally on my own, no-one goes with me.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26LAUGHTER
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- "Do you want to go out?" "I'm all right." - "I don't want to go!"
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Do you watch films like the Titanic and go, "Pussies!"- Yes.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36You only did it once!
0:21:36 > 0:21:40I can see you sat there in the cinema, "What a bunch of dicks.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42"14 and counting."
0:21:44 > 0:21:51- Have you ever painted a lady naked in a boat?- Not yet.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Anyone here tonight or anyone watching?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Let's make your Titanic fantasy come true. That will end with you dying.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Yes. It'd be worth it
0:21:59 > 0:22:04Any questions to throw to the world's worst sailor? The lady with your hand up?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Have you thought about doing a sailing course?- I've done...
0:22:07 > 0:22:08LAUGHTER
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I've done quite a lot, actually.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I'm actually a very good sailor, I'm just...
0:22:14 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I'm just a bit loco in the ocean.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Ask her if she wants to be painted naked on the boat.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Yes. Would you like to be painted naked on the boat?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:36 > 0:22:39How do you feel about the nickname Captain Calamity?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I'm not bothered.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46What would be your ideal nickname? Maybe we can change it now on telly?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- Something simple.- Something simple.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- Jolly Good Fella. - Jolly Good Fella.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- What's your real name, I haven't asked?- Glenn Crawley.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Glenn, the jolly good fella, a genuine pleasure to meet you, man. Happy travelling.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!
0:23:07 > 0:23:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Now, have you seen the latest police initiative in Manchester?
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Greater Manchester Police is one of Britain's biggest police forces
0:23:21 > 0:23:24and they've been trying to show the public what they face
0:23:24 > 0:23:25on a daily basis.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30To do that, just for today, they've decided to give Twitter a go on a massive scale.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35In fact, they've documented every single 999 call they've received.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39I imagine there's been some pretty major crimes.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42By late this afternoon, police had dealt with more than
0:23:42 > 0:23:451,500 calls, including one reporting suspicious men
0:23:45 > 0:23:47carrying a snake in Bolton.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50How do you carry a snake suspiciously?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56"Come on, Dave, quickly!"
0:23:56 > 0:23:58This next one's wonderful.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Call 686, man shouts, "You're gorgeous!" to woman.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06"Help, officer, he's being so complimentary!"
0:24:07 > 0:24:10This has to be my favourite.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Reported man holding baby over bridge.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17Police immediately attended and it was a man carrying a dog that doesn't like bridges.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19LAUGHTER
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Perhaps the crime story of the week though was this from Australia.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Lyndon Langan awoke to find his prized possession gone.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Jeanette, the gnome, somebody's pinched the gnome.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36An Aussie bloke's had his gnome stolen.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39This actually made the national news.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41The best thing, there's a ransom note.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45The posted letter included a photo of the gnome's face.
0:24:45 > 0:24:52They were told to leave 10,000 under the lid of the bin, saying for every bin day that you do not pay,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55the gnome will have pieces taken from his body.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Imagine opening the bin!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02"Sweet Jesus, they've cut his rod off."
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Look how seriously they're taking this story.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Lyndon and Jeanette are baffled by the gnome's disappearance.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14They say he's a loner and had no known enemies.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16LAUGHTER
0:25:16 > 0:25:20"He was a good bloke. Just sat out the back fishing."
0:25:20 > 0:25:24So, who's taken the gnome? I have a couple of theories.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28One, he's been taken by some evil bloke who desperately needs cash.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER
0:25:31 > 0:25:37Two, the gnome has kidnapped himself and is out there somewhere having the time of his life.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39# Everybody dance now...#
0:25:41 > 0:25:44LAUGHTER
0:25:44 > 0:25:49Or theory three, he's been taken by some creepy weirdo.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51LAUGHTER
0:25:56 > 0:25:57LAUGHTER
0:26:02 > 0:26:05This lady's called Selinah, she suffers from AIDS
0:26:05 > 0:26:10and she's agreed to be filmed over 90 days to show the benefits of anti-retroviral drugs.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14The film you're about to see shows the benefits of this treatment in reverse.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22# It was dark when I found you
0:26:38 > 0:26:42# I'll build you a house In the oak tree outside
0:26:44 > 0:26:47# And you can come back
0:26:48 > 0:26:51# Whenever you'd like
0:26:52 > 0:26:56# Don't be frightened I'll set you up right
0:26:57 > 0:27:05# Because everyone needs somebody Sometime
0:27:05 > 0:27:10# I'll leave the light on So you know I'm at home
0:27:11 > 0:27:15# And you can come in
0:27:16 > 0:27:18# You wont be alone
0:27:20 > 0:27:25# Don't be scared of the night Cause I'll fix you up right
0:27:26 > 0:27:34# Because everyone needs somebody Sometime
0:27:34 > 0:27:39# Don't be scared of the night Cause I'll fix you up right
0:27:40 > 0:27:44# Cause everyone needs
0:27:44 > 0:27:48# Somebody, sometime
0:27:48 > 0:27:51# Sometime. #
0:27:52 > 0:27:55If you've got a good news story that you think we should know about,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58log on to our blog and tell us all about it.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Hope you enjoyed the show. Good night.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:08 > 0:28:10E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk