0:00:03 > 0:00:08Contains adult humour.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:31Thank you. Hello. Welcome to Good News.
0:00:31 > 0:00:37What a week we have had. Did you see Bill Turnbull have an orgasm on BBC Breakfast?
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Or...
0:00:39 > 0:00:42HE BREATHS QUICKLY
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Next up, this has to be the showbiz shock of the week.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Bert from Sesame Street is gay.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Is it me or is this detective suspicious about his colleague?
0:00:58 > 0:01:02It will send out a strong message to any paedophile who is out there
0:01:02 > 0:01:04and who has not been outed yet!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07LAUGHTER
0:01:12 > 0:01:16The award for slowest chair theft ever goes to...
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Let's see if that is the end of the story.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23What I know is I don't think this creates the secure funding base that
0:01:23 > 0:01:26universities need. I also don't think these proposals are fair.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28When you look at the detail...
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Finally, the price of cheese has rocketed.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Now, the big news this week was this...
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Suspicious packages bound for the United States
0:01:45 > 0:01:48had been found at the East Midlands Airport and in Dubai.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Both packages came from Yemen.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52As ever, the media tried to terrify us.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- Terror alert.- Terror alert.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- Terror threat.- Terrorism threat.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58International terror alert.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00It was so hysterical, they even claimed
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Margaret Thatcher was a terror threat.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09It was all over the papers. The Sunday Times went with...
0:02:12 > 0:02:15The Mail...
0:02:15 > 0:02:16What did the Sun go for?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:24 > 0:02:30God bless the Sun. If in doubt, load up the pun gun! We are not scared.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33The news was going, "Watch out, Britain, you are going to die."
0:02:33 > 0:02:36We went, "Oh, look, X Factor is on!"
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Doesn't Wagner look like Meat Loaf's sperm?!
0:02:42 > 0:02:45The news kept referring to it as a "sinister package".
0:02:45 > 0:02:47We're not children. Call it a bomb!
0:02:47 > 0:02:51A sinister package sounds like Linford Christie has drawn a goblin on his dick.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55So where was this "sinister package"?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58This is the device found by Dubai police.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01It had been hidden in a printer, with the explosive connected
0:03:01 > 0:03:03to an electrical circuit board
0:03:03 > 0:03:06and a mobile phone SIM card hidden inside the cartridge.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09They put it in a printer cos they thought no one would check.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14If you want to put it in a place nobody will check, surely put it in the pants of this guy.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17LAUGHTER
0:03:17 > 0:03:21It would work! It's so depressing.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25The entire world cheered as a load of miners were rescued,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28now some idiot is trying to blow people up in the name of their God.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31If there is a God, does anyone else think it's
0:03:31 > 0:03:34about time he revealed himself and sorted this mess out?
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Hey, everyone, stop being dicks.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42You all want to be happy and you're all going to die.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46So why don't you just enjoy yourselves?
0:03:46 > 0:03:52I couldn't see that clip of that mouse again, could I?
0:03:52 > 0:03:53You got it, big guy.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00So, what was the other big news of the week?
0:04:00 > 0:04:04More than 5,000 firefighters in the capital will strike tomorrow and
0:04:04 > 0:04:06for two further days beginning on Bonfire Night,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09in protest against plans for a new shift system.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12The firemen are planning to strike on Bonfire Night.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15You can't do that with people like this around.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40If you think you're a fussy eater, you have nothing on Nicholas Cage.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44How does Nick Cage's dinner make him such a winner?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46When it comes to his diet, it seems actor Nicholas Cage
0:04:46 > 0:04:49has an interesting way of deciding what's OK and what's not.
0:04:49 > 0:04:55That's right, Cage will only eat animals who have sex with dignity.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57What?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00He'll only eat animals who have sex with dignity.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03How does an animal have sex with dignity?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I can't imagine a badger lighting a scented candle.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09"Darling, you will tell me if I'm going too rough.
0:05:10 > 0:05:15"# Sail away, sail away, sail away.... #"
0:05:15 > 0:05:18If I was an animal, I'd be outside Cage's house
0:05:18 > 0:05:21deliberately having freaky sex so he doesn't eat me.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Just a rabbit, "Here he comes, put your finger up my ass.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30"Call me a bitch, Brian, look at his eyes!"
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Imagine a cow in a field wearing nipple clamps.
0:05:33 > 0:05:40"Moo, Cage, Cage, we're into all sorts, Mr Cage!"
0:05:40 > 0:05:44"You should see our sex tape - two cows, one trough.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49"Don't eat me, Mr Cage!"
0:05:49 > 0:05:52It's ridiculous.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54How could you check?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Imagine Cage in a restaurant.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58"Any questions about the menu?"
0:05:58 > 0:06:01"Yeah, the chicken, has it ever been teabagged?"
0:06:01 > 0:06:05"I will go and have a look, Nicholas."
0:06:05 > 0:06:07"Hello, Mr Chicken have you ever had balls hit your face?"
0:06:07 > 0:06:09"I don't think so."
0:06:09 > 0:06:14Staying in America, sometimes a story does all the work for you.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26That must have been an ugly kid!
0:06:26 > 0:06:30"What does my baby look like?" "Like a Mexican snack!"
0:06:31 > 0:06:33From America to Asia.
0:06:33 > 0:06:38Japanese commuters can buy live crabs from a vending machine.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41The machine was set up at a station.
0:06:41 > 0:06:46The crabs were sold at a price from 1.5 US dollars to 7.5 dollars.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49More than 200 crabs were sold every day.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52If some bloke went, "I've got crabs from a vending machine!"
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I'd be like, "You sick pervert!"
0:06:57 > 0:06:59"Next time you wear a condom."
0:06:59 > 0:07:01"No, I ate them."
0:07:01 > 0:07:05"You ate them after you shagged them?"
0:07:05 > 0:07:10The worst thing about this story, the crabs are still alive.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14A lot of people say crabs can't feel pain. That's not true.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18I have got audio of them inside the machine. It is heartbreaking.
0:07:18 > 0:07:24# All around me are familiar faces
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- # Worn out places... # - Tell my wife I love her...!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31One of the strangest food stories of the week...
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Did you know you can get married at McDonald's?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37McWeddings are coming to three restaurants in Hong Kong.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Prices for the McWeddings have not been released yet,
0:07:41 > 0:07:46but customers will be able to order relatively fancy McWeddings.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48A fancy McWedding?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50I would never get married in McDonald's!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Nobody wants a vicar to point at their wife and go,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55"Do you want chips with that?"
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Can you imagine the ceremony?
0:07:58 > 0:08:06I now pronounce you McMan and McWife. You may place the ring on the bride's finger.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Nice one.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Let us sing hymn 472.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18ALL: # Da da da da We're loving it! #
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Have you seen how the British Army are preparing for Afghanistan?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Residents of an East Devon village came face to face
0:08:31 > 0:08:37with armed Royal Marines today as part of a training exercise.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41They are training for Afghanistan by taking them to Devon?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- Are you aware of our presence in the area?- Yes.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Have you had any suspicious activity?
0:08:47 > 0:08:51I seen a squirrel the other day holding some keys!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55I thought, "Why has he got keys? He ain't got a car, he ain't got a house,
0:08:55 > 0:08:59"maybe he is in charge of a squirrel prison."
0:08:59 > 0:09:04Why Devon? The only thing people there terrorise is the beach.
0:09:06 > 0:09:12"Check out my weapon of mass destruction!"
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Have you been to Devon?
0:09:13 > 0:09:18I once saw a man in Tiverton trip whilst carrying a bag.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21What fell out of his bag? A dildo.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24It hit a pigeon!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Still, the soldiers are convinced it is going to work.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Good experience for us, especially going on operations
0:09:32 > 0:09:34to Afghanistan in the future.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Good experience? "They're throwing bombs at us!"
0:09:36 > 0:09:39"That is nothing, mate, I once got hit by a pasty."
0:09:45 > 0:09:48This series, I'm showing you Taliban monkeys and pigeon spies.
0:09:48 > 0:09:54This week, an old folks' home in America is getting a therapeutic visit from a horse.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56When you think of therapy pets,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58You usually think of cuddly cats or dogs.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Ponies are not what comes to mind.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Even though they can't fit Samson in their laps,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05they still love when he visits.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Damn right they love it!
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- I like that horse. - He likes you, too.- He does?
0:10:10 > 0:10:14He won't take sugar off nobody else!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Have you ever seen joy like that?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I have no idea what she is saying but she sure is happy.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25He won't take sugar off nobody else!
0:10:27 > 0:10:29"..Ha ha ha ha!"
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Samson's been putting it about. Look what he did to this old lady?
0:10:33 > 0:10:37- Ever been kissed like that before? - No, never will again either!
0:10:37 > 0:10:41He got off with her, the randy bastard!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43How lovely is her response?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46"I've kissed a horse, I can die happy!"
0:10:46 > 0:10:49It is incredible, the effect animals can have on humans.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Mind you, some people get a bit too attached.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57He loves me. You wouldn't get that off a man, would you?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59No.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02You want something for that.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Yes.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08This is Pat from Dagenham. Pat is a cat person.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12A lot of women don't think a lot of men, to be quite honest with you,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14from what I have found out, especially cat people.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17You have to have a special guy.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19A special guy... strong, kind, romantic?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23One that can put up with dirt trays all over the house!
0:11:25 > 0:11:27What kind of weirdo would put up with that?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38It's been a big week for American politics.
0:11:38 > 0:11:45A wake-up call for President Obama, his Democrat Party has lost control of the House of Representatives
0:11:45 > 0:11:49after voters delivered a tough rebuke to his administration in the US mid-term elections.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51It's been a bad week for Obama. Sorry...
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Mr Long-legged MacDaddy.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01The US used to adore him, now children can't even stay awake.
0:12:01 > 0:12:07Your success in life won't be determined by what is given to you...
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Obama's Democrats have been hit hard by a right wing movement called the Tea Party.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15They are a curious mix.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17You say curious, I say mad!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Barack Obama is a tyrant.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23I would vote for George W Bush if he was barbecuing babies on the White House lawn.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27I say, death to the Commies! You got it? Death to the Commies.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- Are you a Commie?- No, no.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Then stay alive, else you be dead!
0:12:32 > 0:12:36"Stay alive, else you be dead."
0:12:36 > 0:12:40If you think the voters are freaky, you should see some of the candidates.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42This bloke thinks he is a website.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I'm Basil Marceaux.com.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47What are your policies?
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Everyone carries a gun. If you get murdered, you go to jail.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56If you get murdered, you go to jail?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Anything else?
0:12:58 > 0:13:02You pledge allegiance to Republicdom in the morning when you come out,
0:13:02 > 0:13:10we all pray to God and say amen and everyone have a nice day.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Did you run out of things to say?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"Erm...have a nice day!"
0:13:17 > 0:13:21My favourite reaction of the US mid-term elections has to be Phil Davison.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26To say he is an intense public speaker would be an understatement.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29My name is Phil Davison!
0:13:29 > 0:13:34I am seeking our party's nomination for the position of Star County Treasurer.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I have been Republican in times good,
0:13:37 > 0:13:41and I have a Republican in times bad.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51So, Phil, what are your promises?!
0:13:51 > 0:13:57I promise each and every person in this room I will hit the ground running,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00come out swinging and have done with it!
0:14:04 > 0:14:08This next bit is stunning. He attempts to quote Einstein but it goes wrong.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Look out for his whimper.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15Albert Einstein issued one of my most favourite quotes.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19It is as follows...
0:14:19 > 0:14:22"In the middle of opportunity..."
0:14:23 > 0:14:25HE WHIMPERS
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Excuse me, "In the middle of difficulty..."
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Let me repeat that...
0:14:30 > 0:14:34I could listen to that whimper for hours!
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Oh! Oh!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Oh! Oh!
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- Luckily... - APPLAUSE
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Why not, why not?!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Luckily, not everyone in America is a nutter.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Jon Stewart held a rally to restore sanity. Thousands showed up.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Many had fantastic signs.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Some people were confused.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Some were there just for a good time.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Have you seen the latest news about the Queen of Pop?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Madonna's almost as well known for her muscles as
0:15:28 > 0:15:32her music, spending hours honing and toning her impressive physique.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36The singer is planning to open a chain of gyms across the world
0:15:36 > 0:15:40and she'll have her say on everything, from the design to the music.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Why would you want to look like Madonna?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Her arms are so white and veiny, she looks like
0:15:45 > 0:15:47a condom full of stilton.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53She's so ripped.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Most 50-year-old women don't need to be ripped.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Then again, most 50-year-old women don't go to an African orphanage with a net.
0:16:00 > 0:16:07Madonna's gyms have promised first class yoga facilities. Trouble is, yoga's not always that good for you.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12Same thing on the other side, arms out to the side, inhaling...
0:16:12 > 0:16:18Let's be honest, the only reason anyone goes to the gym is to see things like this.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Now, if you're thinking of going on holiday in America, watch out.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37There's a creature on the loose.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Spotted, big foot in Cleveland County.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42This isn't the first time.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44The legend continues.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48One man encountered the mythical beast last week.
0:16:48 > 0:16:54A Bigfoot spotted! But who saw him? Was it a regular, everyday kinda guy? Wears a suit?
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Works in an office?
0:16:55 > 0:17:00I come out here and run him off.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03I said, "Get away from here!
0:17:03 > 0:17:07"Get! Get!"
0:17:07 > 0:17:10And he went right back up that path again.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14No. It's an alcoholic Hagrid.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19Deputies filed a suspicious person report and Tim is still recalling the details.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22He looked like he had six fingers on each hand.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26You look like YOU'VE got six fingers on each hand!
0:17:26 > 0:17:30This thing was ten-foot tall.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32He had beautiful hair.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37It's not Bigfoot. Sounds like he's just seen Peter Crouch in a hedge.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41"He had beautiful hair." That implies that if you go
0:17:41 > 0:17:44down to the woods, you'll see a monster with GHD straighteners.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54"Hello!" Mind you, America is a bizarre place.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59The mayor of Lawndale is getting upset about the removal of garlic plants.
0:17:59 > 0:18:05This city, several years ago, they paid a lot of money to have these plants brought in and planted here.
0:18:05 > 0:18:11And now they are considering paying tens of thousands of dollars to have these plants removed.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13So, why is he upset?
0:18:13 > 0:18:18The only reason we had garlic put in was so we could keep the vampires out of town.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Since we have had garlic,
0:18:19 > 0:18:23I have not seen one single solitary vampire in town.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28This next story is unbelievable.
0:18:28 > 0:18:35Take a look at this video, a woman holding her hand up to her ear.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37This has some people asking,
0:18:37 > 0:18:41did a time traveller get caught on camera in 1928?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44No! And if she can, what a waste.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48If she can travel through time, what is she doing checking her voicemail?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Let's have a look at the photo again.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55What is most disturbing isn't the phone, there's a zebra in the
0:18:55 > 0:18:57middle of the high street!
0:18:57 > 0:19:01If I could travel back through time, I would get up to all sorts.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I would visit my younger self.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"Here is a tip, Russ, don't let your mum cut your hair."
0:19:10 > 0:19:12"Get her away from you, Russell!"
0:19:12 > 0:19:17I would give my mum 50 quid so she could buy a bath.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24"Let's get you in the sink!"
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Then I would travel back and say, "Russ, it doesn't
0:19:26 > 0:19:30"matter what face you pull, that is still a Nazi salute."
0:19:32 > 0:19:38Of course, I am joking, if I could travel back in time I would do something for the good of mankind.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I don't care that it would be a risk.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I would make sure this atrocity never happened.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59There will be a mystery guest who has been in the news and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Please welcome my mystery guest.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05APPLAUSE
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Hello. - Hi.- What is your name?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- Mimi.- Do you want me to get on that one?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Oh, yeah.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25You will probably go faster than me.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I see that as a challenge.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32I am going at seven, eight, nine...
0:20:32 > 0:20:34You're showing off now.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Let's really go for it.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40According to this, I am going 60mph. I would suggest that is not true.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46So, Mimi, tell me about yourself.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I am known as Super Gran
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- in the press.- Lovely.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I do a lot of running.
0:20:54 > 0:20:59OK. What is the furthest you have ever run? I'm tired already!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02In one go, 840 miles.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06840 miles? Wow. There was a lovely gasp of excitement there.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Is that why you are in the news?
0:21:08 > 0:21:13- No.- So I am not close?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- You are sort of close, but it's different.- OK...
0:21:18 > 0:21:21It has to do with the treadmill, obviously.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Have you run the furthest distance on a treadmill?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26That is...
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Oh, shit, it's going fast... Sorry!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35This could go horribly wrong, Mimi.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39- I am going to stop it. - Have you travelled the furthest...?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- The furthest distance covered on a treadmill by a female.- How far?
0:21:43 > 0:21:48403.87 miles.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50APPLAUSE
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Was that at a gym, at your house?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58It has to be in a public arena, so I did it in a shopping centre.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02My husband said it was great because it was the only time I couldn't spend money!
0:22:02 > 0:22:07Have you ever done what is known in the business as a "Paula Radcliffe"?
0:22:07 > 0:22:15I have. Very embarrassing, you have no choice. I did a race in the Arctic, 352 miles in the Arctic.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18That's fine, you will only get a seal going...
0:22:18 > 0:22:24You have truckers. What is that programme, Ice Truckers?
0:22:24 > 0:22:29You'd have to be a really committed pervert to
0:22:29 > 0:22:33wait in a truck for a lady to have a poo.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37I checked. You see a trucker every three or four hours.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I was desperate for a pee.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42I checked, no one to be seen.
0:22:42 > 0:22:48I took my sledge off, pulled my trousers down, fantastic.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53It was one of those moments when it went on and on and on.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57And suddenly, there was a truck coming from the left and the right.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Imagine if they crashed!
0:23:00 > 0:23:03If your wee had frozen... "What happened?"
0:23:03 > 0:23:04"Absolutely no idea."
0:23:04 > 0:23:07"It looks like they crashed because of frozen wee."
0:23:07 > 0:23:10"Don't know what you are talking about!"
0:23:10 > 0:23:13What is the strangest thing that has happened whilst running?
0:23:13 > 0:23:17- In the Arctic, hallucinations.- OK.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22On one occasion, I had
0:23:22 > 0:23:26soldiers dressed in white in the trees,
0:23:26 > 0:23:30with gas masks on. I had monsters that would come up from the road.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35As you walk towards them, they disappear and elongate.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38And I did see an elephant sitting on a bridge and I knew at that stage...
0:23:38 > 0:23:41In the Arctic, you get polar bears, so I knew it wasn't true.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47- What if it was? That might be the weird thing.- I know!
0:23:47 > 0:23:49"That's definitely not an elephant."
0:23:49 > 0:23:51"Why does nobody notice me?
0:23:51 > 0:23:55"Nobody noticed me in Africa. That's why I moved here.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58"Just for company."
0:23:58 > 0:24:03- Lovely to meet you.- Thank you. - Good luck with your future exploits.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- My mystery guest! - APPLAUSE
0:24:11 > 0:24:14The big news in the music world this week was this...
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Welcome back, Robbie!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Take That are going back on tour.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23It wasn't just women who were excited.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32How quickly they turn. Take That are the biggest boy band ever.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34The thing is, they are not boys any more, they are men.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38You can't call them a "man band", that sounds creepy,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41like something a pensioner needs to maintain an erection.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46"I've lost me man band."
0:24:48 > 0:24:51What I find fascinating is their effect on women.
0:24:51 > 0:24:56- How good does this feel in my hand? - It's priceless.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59We love you, Take That! Howard, I love you!
0:24:59 > 0:25:00It makes me feel young.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05"It makes me feel young!"
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Those gigs will be full of horny mums.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Their children will never have seen them like that.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15"Robbie, you sexy bastard, I would ride you like a train!"
0:25:15 > 0:25:16"Mum, what about Dad?"
0:25:16 > 0:25:23"Shut up! I am going to live in a sex dungeon with Gary Barlow."
0:25:24 > 0:25:31"Gary... Gary... Love you!"
0:25:34 > 0:25:36"Mum, stop it!" "Shut up!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39"He is like a little gerbil, aren't you, Gary?"
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I don't mind Take That.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43My favourite is Jason Orange.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48How can you not love a man who goes on a chat show and gives out masturbation tips?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51We were in a boy band, we didn't have sex...
0:25:54 > 0:25:58If you sit down on your left arm for long enough, it feels like somebody else.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Put a man band on it, you can go for hours!
0:26:03 > 0:26:07What else? Justin Bieber's been back in the news.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Not content with dominating the music industry,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Justin Bieber wants to leave his mark on the world of perfumes.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Can you imagine what it smells like?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Mmm...puberty!
0:26:18 > 0:26:24Who wants to smell like a 16-year-old boy? "Are you after a floral scent?"
0:26:24 > 0:26:27"No, I want to smell of Xbox and masturbation."
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Why is it always young celebrities who bring out perfumes?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35What about the older market?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Do you know who I would love to see bring out a perfume?
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Alan Titchmarsh.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42If you are watching, Alan, I've already done you an advert.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46The smell of a man who knows his way around a bush.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52A man who uses hoes and likes to fork.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59From Alan's garden to your lady garden.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11This story highlights the work of a foundation that really does make
0:27:11 > 0:27:13dreams come true. Take a look at this.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16This dream holiday is just the tonic for youngsters who have
0:27:16 > 0:27:19spent a lot of time in hospital.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Jordan from Wishaw in Lanarkshire went on the trip two years ago
0:27:23 > 0:27:28after doctors told his parents his leukaemia had returned a third time.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32The question everybody is going to ask is how long has he got left?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34She said, "Let's concentrate on Christmas."
0:27:34 > 0:27:37That was November 2008.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40When these pictures were filmed, Jordan's parents were preparing
0:27:40 > 0:27:46to say goodbye. But incredibly, the toddler battled back and is now in remission.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Jordan has happy memories of Lapland.
0:27:48 > 0:27:54The charity When You Wish Upon A Star wants to make that happen for more sick kids.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- Santa.- We saw Santa. What was that like?
0:28:00 > 0:28:05- Super duper.- Was it super duper?
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Lovely. If you have a good news story we should know about,
0:28:08 > 0:28:09go to our blog and tell us.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Thank you very much for watching. Good night.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:31 > 0:28:34E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk