0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:20 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Thanks very much indeed. Thank you very much.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Welcome to Good News.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34So, what has been happening this week?
0:00:34 > 0:00:38The BBC came up with a novel way of describing Boris Johnson.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40A penis with a thesaurus.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46And Carol from Breakfast described what happens when she takes off her bra.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48They just go splat!
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Over at Granada, I think there's been a bit of a lovers' tiff.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55That's going to be your party trick, is it, this weekend?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57- No, I don't think so.- OK.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Tension! And finally, Alex Ferguson's gone too far.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney will be burnt at the stake for Bonfire Night.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16So, did you see what David Cameron's been spending our taxes on?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19The Prime Minister was challenged today to explain the logic
0:01:19 > 0:01:22behind hiring a photographer on taxpayers' money
0:01:22 > 0:01:23to take pictures of him
0:01:23 > 0:01:27while cutting half a million other public service jobs.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29He's hired a photographer to follow him around.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31To be honest, if I were Dave, I'd sack him.
0:01:31 > 0:01:36Every time you look at a photo of Cameron it looks like Nick Clegg is doing something unspeakable to him.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42"Stop it, Cleggy, there'll be an Eton Mess!"
0:01:42 > 0:01:44It's such a piss-take. He's like a vain emperor.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46"I have decided what's best for the country."
0:01:46 > 0:01:48What? A fairer tax system?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50"No, more photos of me!"
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Half a million job losses and he's going, "Jeeves, get my good side.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57"Make me look like one of the lads."
0:01:57 > 0:02:00How staged is that photo?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02"That's me enjoying a yard of ale."
0:02:02 > 0:02:04It's a pint, Dave.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08"Sorry, that's me enjoying a yard of pint."
0:02:08 > 0:02:12We don't want to see that photo. We want to see what happens after the pint.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18That's what we want to see. Even better than that,
0:02:18 > 0:02:22a photo of Cameron after a night on the lash with Boris.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Who wouldn't want to see that on the front page of the papers?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31It isn't just Dave. His wife's getting her own helper.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Take a look at what she does.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Samantha Cameron employs someone to get her dressed.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46What did she do before the election?
0:02:46 > 0:02:52Was she walking around naked? "Dave, I've got my arm caught in my jeans.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55"How do clothes work?"
0:02:55 > 0:02:59On the other side of Parliament, congratulations to Ed Miliband on the birth of his son.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02He's doing well. Justine's doing brilliantly.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04And we are both over the moon.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Where have I seen that interview before?
0:03:07 > 0:03:11MILIBAND'S VOICE: He's doing well. Justine's doing brilliantly.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12And we are both over the moon.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20So, what else in politics? Well, the godfather of sleaze, Silvio Berlusconi, is back.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24He's been heavily criticised after a teenage girl said she had attended
0:03:24 > 0:03:27parties with the Italian Prime Minister
0:03:27 > 0:03:29and witnessed bunga-bunga sex sessions.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Bunga-bunga?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Sounds like something this guy shouts when he comes.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41So, what is bunga-bunga?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Well, it's this.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Jesus, has he never heard of After Eights?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Imagine Berlusconi on Come Dine With Me.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I'm going to give Silvio a two for the food
0:03:54 > 0:03:58but for the after dinner party...
0:03:58 > 0:04:01It was an absolute spunk storm!
0:04:02 > 0:04:06So, an after dinner sex party. It was just him and one lucky lady.
0:04:10 > 0:04:1425 women! He's 74 years old.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18How is a pensioner shagging 25 women?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Especially one who looks like Morph's granddad?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25It doesn't end there. Let's be honest.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27It couldn't be a Berlusconi story
0:04:27 > 0:04:29without him saying something outrageous.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32If I occasionally happen to look a beautiful girl in the face,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35it's better to like beautiful girls than to be gay.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42What a dickhead. "Hey, I know I shagged some teenage prostitutes
0:04:42 > 0:04:44"but at least I'm not a whoopsie!"
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Talking of morons, George Bush is bringing out his book this week.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Former President George W Bush's memoirs about his presidency
0:04:53 > 0:04:54are being released this week.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58We've actually got footage of him writing it.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Bush is the first person ever to have written one more book than he's read.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11He's already been promoting it.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13When I sat down to write my memoirs,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I decided to take an untraditional approach.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18What is an untraditional approach?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20"I put a lot of Scrabble pieces in my mouth.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22"Then I spat them at a horse."
0:05:22 > 0:05:27The book opens with a personal decision, quitting drinking at age 40.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31You mean he made all those decisions when he was sober?!
0:05:31 > 0:05:32I thought he was pissed!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35I thought that was why he kept getting 9/11 the wrong way round.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39I wanted to give readers a glimpse of the presidency from my perspective.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43"My perspective is, doors are trickier than they look."
0:05:54 > 0:05:57The book costs 35. Who's paying that?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59He's hardly a gifted wordsmith.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02You know.. I... I... I... I really... I'm serious...
0:06:02 > 0:06:04You... You... You... You...
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Let me... Let me... Let me...
0:06:07 > 0:06:12There's an old saying in Tennessee that says, "Fool me once...
0:06:13 > 0:06:18"Shame on...shame on you."
0:06:21 > 0:06:23If you're fooled, you can't get fooled again.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32One of the big news stories of the week was the BBC News strike.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36BBC News has been disrupted today by a 48-hour strike
0:06:36 > 0:06:39by its journalists over changes to their pensions.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44If only Sky could explain the story by placing a tiny man in an imaginary living room.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48TV and radio programmes on the BBC were disrupted over the weekend
0:06:48 > 0:06:51as thousands of journalists continue their 48-hour strike.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Thanks, tiny man.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Anything else?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58The One O'Clock News on mainstream TV was not presented
0:06:58 > 0:06:59by any of the regulars.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01You're telling me!
0:07:04 > 0:07:09David Cameron promises a complete revolution in the way government operates.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12The strikes really affected the weathermen's confidence.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I don't have much power but I can certainly point and I'll do
0:07:15 > 0:07:16a lot of that in the next two minutes.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Sadly you have got a few weeks yet before I go on holiday.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22I'm an idiot and don't know what I'm talking about.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25With the BBC struggling, Channel 4 News tried to take advantage.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Jon Snow was really going for the youth market.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32I'm telling you, it's not, like, totally random.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I already speaks it. Innit?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Careful what you wish for, Jon.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Kids and news don't mix.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44She let her lawyer do the talking today...
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Look, mum, I'm on TV!
0:07:46 > 0:07:49She walked down this street many times before
0:07:49 > 0:07:52and has often stroked this particular cat.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55As far as the incident with the bin was concerned,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58she said she had little recollection of it
0:07:58 > 0:08:00and no explanation for it.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07I always wondered what happened to the Blazin' Squad.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Elsewhere in the world of TV,
0:08:08 > 0:08:10did you hear the scandal on Countryfile?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Before I go any further, I should say the word Countryfile always makes me laugh.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19I know it's slightly silly, but Countryfile sounds like someone who has sex with under-age fields.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23But that's just me.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Here's the actual story.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Too wrinkly for Countryfile?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38That's got to hurt. Especially if you are working with this guy.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44If SHE'S too wrinkly for telly, how does Gordon Ramsay survive?
0:08:44 > 0:08:49Ramsay's so wrinkly he could smuggle immigrants into the folds of his face.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51To be honest, I'm not a fan of HD.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54If you watch this show in high-definition, it puts years on me.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Hello, hello, hello, hello.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I'm Russell Howard and welcome to Good News.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07The girls in make-up do a wonderful job.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10From HD to Strictly Come Dancing, have a look at this.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14The Israeli version of Strictly Come Dancing is causing something
0:09:14 > 0:09:16of a stir by pairing together its first ever
0:09:16 > 0:09:18same-sex dance partners.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Two girls are dancing erotically together.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I know what you're thinking.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I think that's a wonderful idea.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Have you seen them?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28# You don't have to act like a sta-a-ar
0:09:28 > 0:09:31# Tryin' moves in the back of your ca-a-ar
0:09:31 > 0:09:33# But you know that we can go fa-a-ar
0:09:33 > 0:09:35# Cos tonight you're gonna get my mwah, mwah. #
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Imagine if Brucie saw that.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43He'd fucking melt!
0:09:43 > 0:09:47As ever, loads of people have got upset. "It's disgusting! It's sick!"
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Ridiculous. Two women together isn't sick dancing. This is sick dancing.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54# In love tonight
0:09:54 > 0:09:57# I kissed a girl and I liked it
0:09:59 > 0:10:02# I liked it. #
0:10:06 > 0:10:09I always wondered what happened to Rik Waller.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Now, as far as admin mistakes go, this is fairly major.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20The high-street giant Boots sent a loyalty card to a customer.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Have a look at what they called him.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30His reaction was priceless.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34When I read it was addressed to, I thought, Dr A Suicide Bomber?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37For a start, I'm not a doctor.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46"I mean, I got enough Semtex in my shed to nuke London but I'm not a doctor.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48"I won't even watch Casualty."
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Do you reckon there's a bloke in Afghanistan who got his card,
0:10:52 > 0:10:56sat in a cave in Tora Bora going, "Who the hell is Barry Evans?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59"He'd better not get my Nectar points."
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Despite the fact Nectar points are from Sainsbury's.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Well, that's on telly.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08This next bit is brilliant.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10All right, I've got rather a strong character.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13I can have things like this bounce off me no problem.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17But if that had been sent to somebody perhaps with a weak heart or somebody
0:11:17 > 0:11:20with a nervous disposition, who knows what could have happened.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22"Who knows what could have happened".
0:11:22 > 0:11:25What does he think will happen? "They've called me a suicide bomber.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29"Now I'm going to have to blow myself up!
0:11:29 > 0:11:34"This is worse than the time they told me to keep my ear to the ground and I got hit by that car.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36"Fuck, I'm stupid."
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Talking of stupid, did you hear about the Museum of Gloucester's latest attraction?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Forget the Taj Mahal. Forget the Crown Jewels.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Their latest exhibit is surely the envy of the world.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50This is the 1,000-year-old poo.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Genuinely true.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56A museum in Gloucester is displaying a 1,000-year-old poo.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59They don't just keep it in the museum. They take it on tour.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Do you want to have a touch?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Not really.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05How tough is it being a kid in Gloucester?
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Grown adults filming you stroke a turd.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- Do you want me to tell you what it is?- Yes.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15It's a piece of 1,000-year-old...poo.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Uurgh!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21She made him touch it.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25That's his life ruined. "Oi, Doctor Poo, where's your TURDIS?"
0:12:25 > 0:12:27You know what kids are like.
0:12:27 > 0:12:33I want to know what kind of creepy weirdo comes up with the idea of kids touching poo?
0:12:40 > 0:12:45This lady made the news this week by hiring a hitman to kill her husband.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47This is Dorothy Cascone.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50She's behind bars right now accused of being the mastermind in a plot
0:12:50 > 0:12:54to kill her ex-husband for money from several life insurance policies.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Now, two things made me laugh about this story.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00One, she looks a bit like Katie Waissel and two,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03the husband's reaction is incredible.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08The part that insulted me the most is the fact she was going to pay the hitman so little money.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15I love that. Are you upset cos she tried to kill you? "Hell, no, she's a tight bitch".
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I could listen to this lunatic for hours.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Tiger Woods ain't got nothing on me.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25She's tore up my car, smashed windows, broke in. Describe her?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Psychotic. Crazy. Diabolical. Evil.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Weren't they the original names of the Teletubbies?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34So, why did she want to kill him?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Well, I was having affairs, I was a player.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39That's right. "I was a player." How?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42He looks like a sweaty Santa.
0:13:42 > 0:13:48You probably are thinking, after his ordeal, he never wants to see his wife again. You'd be wrong.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51I like to talk to her at night, and have two women on each side,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54and tell her I'm having a happy time.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56"A happy time."
0:13:56 > 0:14:02"Enjoy prison, Santa and his ladies are going to a bunga-bunga party."
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Now, have you heard the latest way estate agents are trying to sell houses?
0:14:11 > 0:14:16One estate agent in Brighton has started using poetry to sell homes.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21Poetry means a lot of things to a lot of people, but can it sell property?
0:14:21 > 0:14:22No.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Coving as precise as the Egyptian pyramids
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Gold like the colour of the Sahara desert
0:14:30 > 0:14:34High ceilings so much you'd need a ladder to change a light bulb.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Leaning over a balcony Waves crashing into each other
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Like a herd of angry buffalo.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49And the bathroom, right, the bathroom's like a gang of, um, drunk...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52..hippos?
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Talking of performances, let's meet Britain's latest world champion.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00We'd like to offer congratulations, I think,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03to Anne Woods from Egremont in Cumbria.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05The world's ugliest woman.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07There she is.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10She's been awarded the world title by the Guinness Book of Records.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Anne Woods is the world's ugliest woman.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Bill Turnbull couldn't believe it.
0:15:15 > 0:15:20Anne Robinson, not even on the list. What happened there?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Whatever, Bill.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Robinson's got nothing on this lady.
0:15:24 > 0:15:30Unbelievably, this sport doesn't require any exercise, any practice.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31It just comes naturally.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33That is not natural.
0:15:33 > 0:15:38That is a result of drinking heroin and Fairy Liquid.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41What's great about this story, Anne has a husband.
0:15:41 > 0:15:47And he is quietly hoping she'll keep going until she has at least 30 titles to her name.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Is that not Popeye's sex face?!
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Now. Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Now. Moving away from Popeye.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Did you see this shocking story from New Zealand?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05A walk for charity has outraged some of the people it's trying to help.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08The zombie march is being organised
0:16:08 > 0:16:10to raise funds for Brain Injury New Zealand.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13A zombie march for brain injuries?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15What are they going to do next?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Sponsored body popping for epileptics?
0:16:18 > 0:16:24We need to raise money for the thrush clinic, let's get some scratch cards!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29I tell you what, if you enjoyed that joke, let's see it again in HD.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32What are they going to do next?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Sponsor body-popping for epileptics?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37We need to raise money for the thrush clinic.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Let's get some scratch cards.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43APPLAUSE
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Now, big news from outer space.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Science fiction could soon become science fact.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55That's because NASA scientists are toying with the idea
0:16:55 > 0:16:57of sending astronauts all the way to Mars.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Sweet.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Have a look who they're sending up.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Look at the reason why.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13They'll have to trick them onto the shuttle.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15"This doesn't look like Butlins."
0:17:17 > 0:17:21"Where's Alan Titchmarsh? You bastards!"
0:17:21 > 0:17:24A shuttle full of pensioners. Can you imagine the smell?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Andrew Neill certainly can.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- HE SNIFFS - Hm. Boiled cabbage.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Hm. Cough sweets.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Imagine the poor sods at mission control having to deal with them.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36"Hello? I can't hear you.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39"You want me to what? Start the thrusters?
0:17:39 > 0:17:40"What's a thruster?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43"If only me grandson, Tony, were here.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45"No, it's Tom, isn't it?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47"No, it's Tony, it's Tony.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49"Tom...
0:17:49 > 0:17:52"Deirdre, is it Tom or Tony?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"It's Tony, ain't it? It's Tony?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56"Is it Tom?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59"I've got mission control. Is it Tom?
0:17:59 > 0:18:00"Tony?
0:18:00 > 0:18:04"It's Charlotte!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07"It's Charlotte, ain't it?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10"Is it Tom?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13"I've got to go, mission control, Countdown's on.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16"And I've shit meself!
0:18:16 > 0:18:19"It's like a scatty lava lamp here."
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Back on Earth, great news for sci-fi fans.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26More than 30 years after the Star Wars movie
0:18:26 > 0:18:30used a futuristic hologram as a cry for help,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32scientists at the University of Arizona
0:18:32 > 0:18:33say they've made it come true.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Things from Stars Wars are becoming a reality.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I bet there's geeks all over the land saying, "Yyyeeeesssss!
0:18:39 > 0:18:43"Whoooo. Oooh.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47"Please invent the light sabre, please invent the light sabre."
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I don't see what the fuss is about.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I've been living like it's Star Wars for years.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I walk around in my pyjamas and I get off with my sister.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I'm joking.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I don't wear pyjamas.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04That was the worst noise ever.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06As I did that joke, I just heard, "Aahhh."
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Just somebody holding up pyjamas for me. "Well, these are wasted, aren't they?"
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Do you know what I'd really want from Star Wars? One of these guys.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Hey!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Don't they look tasty?
0:19:24 > 0:19:29I'd whack him on the barbecue with some Reggae Reggae Sauce.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Nom, nom, nom, Ewok.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Wouldn't it be great? And then I'd tongue my sister! Wouldn't it be great...
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Whilst laughing at some pyjamas that I will never wear!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Wouldn't it be great if everything from Star Wars came to life?
0:19:47 > 0:19:51If Jedi powers became available, it's going to change my world.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- Hello.- All right, love?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Have you not put the cat out yet?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13CAT SQUEALS
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27I have to figure out who it is. So please welcome my mystery guest.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Hello.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- Hi, how are you doing?- Nice to meet you. I'm Russell, how are you?
0:20:42 > 0:20:46- Good to meet you.- What's your name? - It's Adam.- Can I come up with you? - Yes, yes, here you go.- Sweet.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I've got my own helmet. Don't!
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- LAUGHTER - Jesus Christ!
0:20:56 > 0:21:00While we're up here, shall we make comments about ladies? It is the done thing.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07So, why have you been in the news?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Right. I went down to the B&Q trade point and...
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Good way to start any story.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13It is, isn't it, yeah.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16As you do. And I did a little sound,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I went... WHISTLES, IMITATING PHONE RINGING
0:21:18 > 0:21:20To make people think a phone's ringing.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22And they said, "You need to enter our whistling competition."
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- Nice.- Yeah. I was, like, "No, I came here to get some hinges."
0:21:26 > 0:21:29"Listen, lady, I came here for hinges."
0:21:29 > 0:21:31They said, "Enter our competition."
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Before I know it, I'm in front of a panel,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35and there's a whole bunch of contestants,
0:21:35 > 0:21:41and I'm whistling. And they say, "You're now Britain's Whistling Builder for 2010."
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- There you go. That's worth a round of applause. - APPLAUSE
0:21:44 > 0:21:49- Although...- Whistling builder.- I know you are the whistling builder.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52But I'm meant to guess, that's the problem.
0:21:52 > 0:21:58I'll be honest, I don't mind cos I'm rubbish, so you've come on and told me what's happening. Sweet.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I'll just crack on with the interview.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02So, what do you get if you win the championship?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- Well, I got £1,000.- Sweet.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08And it wasn't in vouchers actually.
0:22:08 > 0:22:14Oh, that was a man who's been burnt by presents, isn't it?
0:22:14 > 0:22:15- I went on holiday.- Where did you go?
0:22:15 > 0:22:20- A diving trip in the Red Sea.- You should have gone to the jungle to annoy some birds.- Yeah, actually.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21HE WHISTLES
0:22:21 > 0:22:25- Have you ever done that? - Yes. I do bird calls.- But, what...?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28You deliberately try and get birds horny, essentially?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Yeah, it happens.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34The only one I... Heuh-heuh-heuh, you know with the wood pigeon.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I try, when you hear one, you're like, heuh-heuh-heuh, to see...
0:22:39 > 0:22:44Just cos I love the idea that he's going, hargh hargh. It's just me.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I'm quite lonely at the minute.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- I can do an elevator. - Go on, do an elevator.
0:22:51 > 0:22:56- When you get that silence in the elevator, and people don't know what to do.- Yeah, go on.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00HE MAKES A HUMMING NOISE
0:23:00 > 0:23:03And at the cinema, the curtains going...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05HE WHISTLES LIGHTLY
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Do you know what I like to do in the silence in the lift?
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Just say out loud, "I'm not wearing socks."
0:23:15 > 0:23:21- That would work. - It gets rid of the silence, and you've got the lift to yourself.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I've got some household items.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27It's turning into QVC now.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31You can always make a whistle if you can't whistle. So, there you go.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35- Blow really hard in there.- OK.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Right, is that... No? - Go. Really hard.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- HONKING - Oh, Christ.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42That's another one.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- Oh, we've got another one. Sweet, excellent.- Everyone must have a pen. Block one end.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Not everyone has pens, mate.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- HIGH-PITCHED SHARP WHISTLE - Whoa!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- BREATHY WHISTLE - A-hargh!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I'm quite competitive. I'm not sure if that's coming across.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58HE STRUGGLES TO WHISTLE
0:24:04 > 0:24:08It's broke, mate, it's fucked, that one. What about this one?
0:24:08 > 0:24:12This is a smaller one. Just do the lid. You can...
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- CLEAR WHISTLE - Wow.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18RASPING WHISTLE
0:24:21 > 0:24:22You're being an idiot now.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25SLIGHT WHISTLE There you go!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28They're broke, they're all broke.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33That'd be impressive!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- I genuinely enjoyed that. What was your name again?- Adam.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest, Adam.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41CHEERING
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Have you seen the latest in kids' fashion?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52As diapers are becoming more fashionable,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Huggies is unveiling a denim diaper.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Denim diapers!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58What is this, pimp my nappy?
0:24:58 > 0:25:02I'd love to see the advert. What are they going to do, have some kids strutting in Paris,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05as women lose control, and a man releases some balloons?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09# My diapers
0:25:11 > 0:25:13# Full of chic
0:25:15 > 0:25:17# I poo in blue. #
0:25:19 > 0:25:23The limited edition Huggies jean diaper.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27That is every single shade of wrong, isn't it?
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Someone at Huggies goes, "We need to make nappies more absorbent."
0:25:31 > 0:25:36"No, make them sexy." Who wants their kids looking seductive?
0:25:36 > 0:25:41When I have a baby, I want people to go, "Oooh." Not, "Unghhh."
0:25:42 > 0:25:46"Look at him in his denim.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50"He looks like a tiny French exchange student."
0:25:50 > 0:25:55It's ridiculous, man. If you're going to make novelty nappies, I say make them fun for parents.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Why not put a picture of Piers Morgan on the inside?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Wouldn't that be great? "It's all over his face.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04"I've never been so proud of our boy."
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Why do the kids need to be fashionable?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09It's the one time in their life when they're not self-conscious.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12When I have kids, I'm going to take great delight in dressing them like this.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17And this.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29Every week, I like to end the show with something to make you feel good. This, it's brilliant.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32It's about an amazing woman, and the incredible power of music.
0:26:32 > 0:26:39I know people who have been used to standing outside the building in the street listening to her.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43And just admiring her playing.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45And she still plays.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Every day.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51To the residents of this small apartment building in north London,
0:26:51 > 0:26:56Alice Summer is simply the lady in number six.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02Alice is the oldest holocaust survivor in the world.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07In 1942, Alice was a well-known concert pianist living in Prague.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12At age 39, she was deported to a Nazi concentration camp.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Under constant threat of extermination,
0:27:16 > 0:27:21starving prisoners were permitted to paint, to perform and make music.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23I knew that we will play.
0:27:25 > 0:27:30And I was thinking, when we can play, it can't be so terrible.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34The music, the music.
0:27:36 > 0:27:43I felt that this is the only thing which helps me to...
0:27:45 > 0:27:46..have hope.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50It's a sort of religion, actually.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Music is...
0:27:56 > 0:27:57..God.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02I love that articulation at the end.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06"Music is God." Now, if you think you've got a good news story that
0:28:06 > 0:28:09you think we should know about, log on to our blog and tell us about it.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:18 > 0:28:21E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk