0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Hello, hello, hello.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Thank you very much indeed. Hello!
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Welcome to Good News. So what have we learned this week?
0:00:33 > 0:00:37We learned that news readers will read anything off autocue.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good morning, you are watching ABC News 24, I'm Michael Rowland.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42LAUGHTER
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Did you see that reporter getting a blow job off a pensioner?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Officers are being briefed.
0:00:50 > 0:00:57There is a 300 metre exclusion zone up to Royal Parade at the moment.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00LAUGHTER
0:01:09 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Sorry about that. Everyone does that on telly. We have a name for it.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17A nice bit of Eric and Ernie to wake us up in the morning.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- LAUGHTER - That's what we call it.
0:01:19 > 0:01:25And finally, I came third in this year's Heat Magazine Weird Crush Of The Year.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- SCREAMING - Oh, fuck off.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32What pissed me off. Did you see who was at number 11?
0:01:32 > 0:01:33# Go compare! #
0:01:33 > 0:01:34LAUGHTER
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Congratulations are in order to Prince William and Kate Middleton.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44A Royal wedding next year -
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Prince William and Kate Middleton are to marry.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50It is brilliant because Kate Middleton is fit.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Finally, a QILF will be on the throne.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Let's face it, the one thing everyone is thinking,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04"I hope they get married on a Monday - day off work."
0:02:04 > 0:02:08There are rumours Harry is organising the stag do.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10If he does, William will end up like this!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Big news of the week was this.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Our top story this afternoon a British couple captured by pirates
0:02:19 > 0:02:23off the coast of Somalia and held for 388 days have been freed.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26This is the fantastic news that Paul and Rachel Chandler
0:02:26 > 0:02:27have been released.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31I hate Somali pirates, rowing around Africa stealing white people -
0:02:31 > 0:02:33they are like Madonna in reverse.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:40The Chandlers must be delighted they are home.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Can you imagine them catching up on the news stories they missed?
0:02:44 > 0:02:45They won't believe it. He did what?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48He turned up with a fishing rod and some chicken?!
0:02:48 > 0:02:49LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:52She put a cat in a wheelie bin?!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Don't tease me. Really?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Really. You're joking! Seriously?!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Robbie's back in Take That!
0:03:03 > 0:03:08Yes! You said I was mad to dream!
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Robbie's back in Take That!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14They were held hostage for over a year.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Did you see the footage of them in June appealing to Cameron?
0:03:17 > 0:03:21What amazed me was how calm they were.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25I would like to say congratulations to David Cameron first.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29And as new Prime Minister we desperately need him
0:03:29 > 0:03:35to make a definitive public statement of the Government's attitude to us.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37That is manners, isn't it?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40They have a gun to their head and they are going,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43"First things first, well done, Mr Cameron."
0:03:43 > 0:03:45You would think everyone would be happy about this story,
0:03:45 > 0:03:48but that doesn't take into account Daily Mail readers.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51These are genuine comments from their website
0:03:51 > 0:03:53hours after they were released.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Gaz from the North East wrote:
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Yeah, Gaz, they planned it.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Just like Elisabeth Fritzl
0:04:05 > 0:04:08wearing those sexy clothes just to get famous.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15It is unbelievable. Look what Diane from Staffordshire had to say:
0:04:24 > 0:04:27How does your brain react like that?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30They're free. "Yeah, but she should have split ends."
0:04:32 > 0:04:36"She hasn't been kidnapped, she has been hiding in Toni & Guy."
0:04:36 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Christine from the South simply wrote:
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I don't care they have been held hostage for a year.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49When, oh, when, will the council collect my wheelie bin?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER
0:04:54 > 0:04:56We all know the Irish economy is struggling.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Ireland is repaying record Government debts as it struggles
0:04:59 > 0:05:02with high unemployment, a housing market that has crashed
0:05:02 > 0:05:05and the costs of supporting its banking system.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08But never fear, Ireland, look what your government has come up with:
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Preparations are under way for the distribution of free cheese
0:05:11 > 0:05:13to needy people, starting on Monday.
0:05:13 > 0:05:1753 tons of cheese will be given to charitable organisations
0:05:17 > 0:05:19to distribute.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Free cheese for needy people.
0:05:22 > 0:05:2353 tonnes of cheese.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Apparently, these guys have bought a house in Dublin.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27LAUGHTER
0:05:27 > 0:05:29It is amazing. Ireland announced cuts
0:05:29 > 0:05:34of six billion and the Government are giving poor people free cheese.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36What a piss take. "Got no money?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38"Have a Dairylea dunker."
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Poor people love cheese.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I have lost count of the amount of times I have seen a homeless guy go,
0:05:44 > 0:05:45"Got any Cheddar?"
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Also, with the Irish accent, imagine the confusion.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Some God-botherer knocks on your door.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54"Have you thought about letting cheeses into your life?"
0:05:57 > 0:05:59"I don't like cheeses."
0:05:59 > 0:06:02"You don't like the baby cheeses?"
0:06:02 > 0:06:05"No, I hate Mini Babybels."
0:06:05 > 0:06:07LAUGHTER
0:06:09 > 0:06:12"What about the Holy cheeses?"
0:06:12 > 0:06:13"Swiss cheeses?"
0:06:15 > 0:06:19"I didn't mean that one. You know, cheeses can bring you peace."
0:06:19 > 0:06:23"Really? I heard it gave you nightmares."
0:06:23 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:24 > 0:06:27"Moving on to the next story."
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Maybe free cheese is a good idea.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Sometimes it can give you super-human powers.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44# I'm on the top of the world looking down on creation... #
0:06:44 > 0:06:46SNAP!
0:06:47 > 0:06:48# This is the end
0:06:50 > 0:06:52# My only friend... #
0:06:52 > 0:06:56MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor
0:07:10 > 0:07:11What else has been happening?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Michelle Obama is apparently the most powerful lady in the world.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18America's First Lady has come top of a new list
0:07:18 > 0:07:20compiled by business magazine Forbes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22But what caught my eye was this.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25But there is bad news for the Queen.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29She came only 41st in the list, 34 places below Lady Gaga.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31LAUGHTER
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Liz has not taken it well at all.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- Lady bloody-Gaga.- Your Majesty.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41That's right, Majesty. I'm the Queen of England.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45I am on coins and stamps and you look like a Jedi prostitute.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Don't worry, though, the Queen has already come up
0:07:49 > 0:07:51with a ways to get more popular.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54If you're a Facebook fan and you're looking for new friends,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56from today you can add the Queen.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Users of the social networking site
0:07:58 > 0:08:01will be able to access photos of the Royal Family and keep up-to-date
0:08:01 > 0:08:04with the latest news from Buckingham Palace.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06The Queen on Facebook. How great is this?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Imagine her updating her status.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"Liz has spent the last hour trying to lick the back of her head
0:08:11 > 0:08:13"to see if she tastes like a stamp."
0:08:15 > 0:08:17"I can't reach, Philip!"
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Imagine her sat in Buckingham Palace tagging photos.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24"That's me in Balmoral. That's me with the corgis.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27"Oh, there is Camilla looking at herself in the mirror."
0:08:27 > 0:08:29The Queen will be joining all the groups.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34What's this? I turn the pillow over to get the cold side?"
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Yes, I do! Join.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40I do sometimes laugh for no reason when I am on a bus. Join!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42What's this, monkey rapes frog?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Oh, dear Christ.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- IMPERSONATES MAN:- I don't know what you're complaining about.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53That frog is having the time of his life!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Can you imagine Philip on the internet?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58"Come on, Phillip, we're late."
0:08:58 > 0:09:01"In a minute, I'm on ratemypoo.com."
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Staying with the internet, a strange story from Russia.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09A Russian artist has strapped himself into an electric chair
0:09:09 > 0:09:12and asked online viewers to vote on his fate.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18This happens every time 100 people on the internet vote for him
0:09:18 > 0:09:21to receive a massive electric jolt.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26He will do this every night for a week or until he is hospitalised.
0:09:27 > 0:09:33Until he is hospitalised? It is like an S&M version of Operation.
0:09:33 > 0:09:38I feel sorry for pets. What if he comes home and strokes them?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Did you see why he is doing it?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45TRANSLATION: This is a test of how
0:09:45 > 0:09:49society interprets freedom - do they want to use it to save or to kill?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52It's not a test of how society interprets freedom.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55It is a test of what bored kids will do on the internet.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59"Shall we go on Just Giving and donate money to Oxfam?"
0:09:59 > 0:10:01"No, let's make a fat man squeal."
0:10:01 > 0:10:05You can't put your life in the hands of some random stranger.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Especially someone who has got a little bit giddy
0:10:08 > 0:10:10because they've only just got online.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Electrocute a Russian man? Don't mind if I do.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29I've won the Nigerian Lottery!
0:10:29 > 0:10:33If you think this Russian artist is crazy, you should see his aunties.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35They formed a girl band.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39ALL: # My loneliness is killing me
0:10:39 > 0:10:44# I must confess I still believe
0:10:44 > 0:10:46# Still believe!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48# When I'm with you I lose my mind
0:10:48 > 0:10:51# Give me a sign
0:10:52 > 0:10:55# Hit me, baby One more time. #
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Now, did you hear about the latest publishing sensation?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07I am Alexander, founder of comparethemeerkat.com.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Alexander, who is famous for coining the catchphrase "simples",
0:11:11 > 0:11:13is out promoting his new book.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Alexander the meerkat has published a book.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19He even did an interview.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23He joins us from Russia today.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Good morning. You are looking very dashing
0:11:25 > 0:11:28this morning, Alexander, if I may say so.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Yes, you may say so, Christine.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36May I say that you have the glossy fur and alluring scent
0:11:36 > 0:11:38of a well-groomed racoon.
0:11:38 > 0:11:43To be honest, all we want to know, have there been any sex scandals?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Let's just say that you don't get to where I am
0:11:47 > 0:11:50without tangling a few pyjamas.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Son of a bitch!
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Apparently, a lot of the animals he slept with are worried they will be in the book.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05From a book about meerkats to something more shocking.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08The world's biggest book retailer Amazon has defended its decision
0:12:08 > 0:12:12to sell a book that advises readers on how to be a paedophile.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20A guidebook for paedophiles?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22What is it called? Nonce Upon A Time?
0:12:22 > 0:12:26I tell you what, I hope it's not a pop-up.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28GROANING
0:12:28 > 0:12:31The only person happy about this book is Dan Brown
0:12:31 > 0:12:35because he is no longer the most-hated author on the planet.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Do you know what my first thought was when I saw this book?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42That's my brother's Christmas present sorted.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Wouldn't that be amazing? He is spending it round his girlfriend's.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48"Daniel, what have you got from your brother?"
0:12:48 > 0:12:49"Nothing."
0:12:49 > 0:12:50"Go on, show everyone."
0:12:50 > 0:12:52"No!"
0:12:52 > 0:12:55The funny thing is, he is an excellent paedophile.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00Obviously that's not going to make the telly show.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02He's an average paedophile.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08He's not a paedophile, I should say.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09My brother has a real life
0:13:09 > 0:13:12and I don't want people throwing stuff at him.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Annoyingly, I can't get him that book now because Amazon stopped selling it.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Instead, I am getting him this classic album.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Songs For Gay Dogs. It is a cracker. From controversy to idiocy.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28A book was released this week cataloguing
0:13:28 > 0:13:30the worst game show answers.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Sometimes you really despair of the human race.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Someone was asked, "Name a bird with a long neck," and they said...
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Naomi Campbell.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Here is another - name a TV soap.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45The answer was...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Dove.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Who are these people? Next.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52What B is the usual four-letter word for a newborn infant?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54That's obvious, isn't it?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Wasp.
0:13:57 > 0:14:04My personal favourite, what happened in Dallas on November 22nd 1963?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Did you see the story about a fight that really got out of hand?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Of all things to fight about, Westmoreland said,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23punches started flying over this lawn mower.
0:14:23 > 0:14:28One thing led to another and before I knew it, there was knives and guns
0:14:28 > 0:14:32and everything just went haywire.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35If you think getting a gun out in a lawnmower fight is mad,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38have a look at what happened next.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41They cut my beard and forced me to eat it.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER
0:14:48 > 0:14:52You can't not laugh. They made him eat his beard!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I know it's mean but a fat man with blood on his face
0:14:57 > 0:15:01and hair in his mouth, he must have looked like he'd gone down on a Wookiee.
0:15:03 > 0:15:09I wanna know, what kind of creepy weirdo forces a man to eat their own beard?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12LAUGHTER
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I shouldn't take the piss.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19This ordeal has had a profound psychological effect upon our beard-eating friend.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22It's not as long as it was.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- WITH ACCENT:- "It's upset my whole family.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29"My sister says it tickles when we kiss."
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Some big sports stories recently. We had the Manchester derby.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Did you see where Carlos Tevez tried to hide his keys?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Did you see him getting them out?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Talking of fisting, it's been a big week for boxing.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55The rather timid Audley Harrison was no match for David Haye,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57and hardly a punch was thrown until the third round,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00when Haye had predicted he would floor his heavier opponent.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02He may have won but he's difficult to love.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05The greatest heavyweight of them all, Muhammad Ali, said this.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalised a brick!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13I'm so mean, I make medicine sick.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Whereas David Haye, he says stuff like this.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19This fight will be as one-sided as a gang rape.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:28It gets you right there, doesn't it?
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Now, if you think that is shocking, check out this story
0:16:32 > 0:16:35about a professional rugby player and his fall from grace.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Canberra Raiders player Joel Monaghan has apologised
0:16:39 > 0:16:43for what he describes as an alcohol-fuelled prank
0:16:43 > 0:16:46which led to a lewd photograph of him being circulated
0:16:46 > 0:16:48on an online social-networking site.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Lewd photo? Him with a couple of girls, I suppose!
0:16:56 > 0:17:00That brings a whole new meaning to the term, "give a dog a bone."
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Do you know the best thing about this story?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07The way it was reported in Korea.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Isn't that amaz...? That's their news!
0:17:31 > 0:17:36"Brilliant, a man's been sucked off by a dog, let's make a cartoon!"
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Can you imagine the morning after this happened?
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I bet his mates destroyed him.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42He's got a massive hangover, and they're like,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45"You know the best way to cure that, mate? Hair of the dog."
0:17:45 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:54The funniest thing about this story is Joe Monaghan wants to escape the taunts by coming to England.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Never going happen, isn't it?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57You know what we're like with crowd chants.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:18:16 > 0:18:18This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20There's a mystery guest who has been in the news
0:18:20 > 0:18:24and I have to figure out who it is. Please welcome my mystery guest.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Hello.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- I'm Olly, nice to meet you. - I'm Russell.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Hi, Rich. - Olly and Rich, lovely to meet you.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43I'm guessing you have something to do with golf.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47You look like you try and pick up old ladies that enjoy golf.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48LAUGHTER
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- A bit crazier than that. - I've guessed already.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Are you like crazy golf champions or something?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55You're not far off.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Did you once have a nervous breakdown whilst playing golf?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Close, yes. We've certainly travelled a long way.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06OK, you played crazy golf... in a lunatic asylum.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08That would be the craziest...
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- All crazy golf is in a lunatic asylum.- I need more help, sorry.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14So you travelled somewhere?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16We represented Great Britain.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20OK, so is there a crazy golf championship?
0:19:20 > 0:19:215,000 miles away, it was.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24OK, that's not going to help me but...
0:19:24 > 0:19:28So you represented Great Britain at crazy golf somewhere.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- Can you tell me where? - We represented at the Asian Open in China.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37- Fantastic, and how did you get on? - Well, I came 14th.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39That's all right, hey, look up! It's fine.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45- I was pleased to beat the Iranian women's team.- Good, yeah. Good scalp.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46And Richard...
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I did a bit better, I came second, got the silver medal.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- Would you like to see the trophy? - I would love to.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:19:54 > 0:19:56There you go.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Nicely phallic. The, erm...
0:20:01 > 0:20:04That's fantastic, isn't it? Don't come near it, 14th.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Can we play a bit?
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- Yeah.- Sweet. Well done, by the way. - Let's have a game of mini golf!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15CHEERING
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Right, OK.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- I'll go down there in case you hit it off the back.- OK.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28This is the fantastic lighthouse hole.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I like the name.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Should I lift my socks up?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34LAUGHTER
0:20:37 > 0:20:39WOLF WHISTLE
0:20:39 > 0:20:41They are odd socks!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Are there any tips? What should I be doing?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47A nice delicate grip on the shaft would be nice.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:51APPLAUSE
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Oh, oh no, how near!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I see it. That is it...
0:21:07 > 0:21:08It's in!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:15 > 0:21:18So...what were you doing before you got into crazy golf?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Mad shit, gangster crap?
0:21:20 > 0:21:25I did three pantomime horse races, one dressed as a cow last year.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I needed something new to do, and here I am.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I love people like you, I genuinely do.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I love the idea that you went, "I've wasted my life dressed up
0:21:34 > 0:21:36"as a pantomime cow..."
0:21:36 > 0:21:37"Golf!"
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Is it basically just a big piss-up?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- It is for us. - There's some interesting characters.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Everyone's got their own nicknames.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Owen "Jackpot" Johnson, Tim "The Ace Man" Davis -
0:21:48 > 0:21:51he's like the Tiger Woods of the crazy-golf world.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54A bit better behaved, though.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Have you any names?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- I'm "The Machine". - Of course, you are.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05- Richard needs a nickname. - I need a nickname. Maybe we should put it to the audience.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Can we do that? That would be great, any nicknames?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Gentle Touch.- Gentle Touch?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14That's quite nice, isn't it? What a lovely moment.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18I now pronounce you... In fact, I'll knight you, that would be nice.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24I now pronounce you "Gentle Touch."
0:22:24 > 0:22:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Arise, Sir Gentle Touch!
0:22:31 > 0:22:32What a wonderful name.
0:22:32 > 0:22:37So what's your favourite hole? Have you got a particular one you look forward to?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I think I'll let "Gentle Touch" answer that.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48OK. What hole do you like to slam it in?
0:22:48 > 0:22:52It's got to be the last one, hasn't it? To be honest.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55LAUGHTER
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Thanks very much, I enjoyed that. Lovely meeting you again.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- Thank you very much.- Good luck on your crazy-golf travels.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guests!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Have a look at this story about a lovely old lady.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16By day, Ruth Flowers is a tea-drinking English lady in her 70s.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Aw, that's nice, isn't it?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I wonder what she does at night.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Meet Ruth Flowers.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29She is a fucking great DJ.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40A grandmother from Bristol has become an international DJ.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Instead of foam parties, do you reckon she does Radox nights?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47"You're going to get off your box on lavender!"
0:23:48 > 0:23:52A granny DJ is pretty cool, innit? If you asked most pensioners
0:23:52 > 0:23:55to do some scratching, they'll show you their eczema.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Honestly. If I told my nan to drop some funky shit...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02LAUGHTER
0:24:02 > 0:24:04You see where I'm going, right?
0:24:04 > 0:24:10The best thing about Ruth Flowers, young, old, people seem to love her.
0:24:10 > 0:24:16They... They mob me, and they say, "I want to be your grandchild.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18"I want you to be my grandmother."
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Or I am "awesome", whatever that is.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Of course, she's awesome. You saw what she did to that news reporter.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31Officers are being briefed as to the situation. There is a 200-metre...
0:24:31 > 0:24:37From artificial hips to hip-hop, did you see the latest news about Snoop Dogg?
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Snoop Dogg is a massive fan of Coronation Street.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Yeah, not only that, he said he asked his agent to get him a guest
0:24:45 > 0:24:46appearance on the soap,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49and apparently they said they were interested.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54Wow! Snoop Dogg is going to be on Coronation Street.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I'd love to see that episode.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03I can't get over this story,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06maybe it's just me, but Snoop loves Corrie - it's so weird!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09You imagine him after a gig going, "I need some bitches,"
0:25:09 > 0:25:14but instead he's like, "I gots to know what's happening with Jack Duckworth."
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Have you seen what Snoop is building?
0:25:17 > 0:25:22Snoop is building a replica of the Rovers Return in LA,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24and he aggressively asserted,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27"Nothing will stop me selling Betty's hotpot,"
0:25:27 > 0:25:30declaring that Coronation Street is where it's at.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Who in their right mind is going to go there?
0:25:34 > 0:25:39My favourite part of the whole story, Snoop is planning to fly Betty to serve the first dish.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43At what point will someone tell him it's not actually real?
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Poor Betty will be terrified, shivering in the kitchen.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51"Snoopy, it's all make-believe." "Betty, where da food at?"
0:25:51 > 0:25:53LAUGHTER
0:25:53 > 0:25:55"Snoop, I'm an actor."
0:25:55 > 0:25:58"Betty, I got some hungry-ass bitches out there."
0:25:58 > 0:26:02"I'm not a cook, Snoopy, it's all pretend."
0:26:02 > 0:26:03"Betty...
0:26:04 > 0:26:07"..don't make me call Pat Butcher."
0:26:07 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I tell you what,
0:26:11 > 0:26:18his love of Corrie and all things Northern has really changed his music.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20RAPS: # I love drugs and I love hoes
0:26:20 > 0:26:23# But not as much as I love Ken Barlow
0:26:23 > 0:26:25LAUGHTER
0:26:25 > 0:26:29# Smoking grass, that's my choice I'm gonna get high with Ashley's boy
0:26:29 > 0:26:31# Break it down, Ashley!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# I was a gangster I used to be a cheater
0:26:36 > 0:26:38# But it's all good Cos now I'm banging Rita
0:26:38 > 0:26:39# I love hips, I love legs
0:26:39 > 0:26:42# But they ain't shit compared to Greggs
0:26:43 > 0:26:46# Pasty, pasty, pasty, steak slice!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49# Ashley, Ashley, Ashley That's nice. #
0:26:49 > 0:26:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Time for a good-news story.
0:26:56 > 0:27:01This is an amazing French artist called JR, who travels the world taking inspirational pictures
0:27:01 > 0:27:04of women from impoverished and brutal environments.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08He then displays them on what he calls the largest canvas on earth.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03They all wanted to share their story, that their story travel.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06When you hear the story, you're like,
0:28:06 > 0:28:10"Whoa, maybe the person has died inside,"
0:28:10 > 0:28:13but then when you ask her to do faces,
0:28:13 > 0:28:17then you can see life.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21And then I say, "I'm going to paste the photo back in your city,
0:28:21 > 0:28:27"so everybody can see for you and for the people here."
0:28:46 > 0:28:49If you've got a good-news story you think we should know about,
0:28:49 > 0:28:52log on to our blog and tell us about it. Thanks for watching.
0:28:52 > 0:28:53Good night.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:11 > 0:29:14E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk