0:00:04 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Hello, and welcome to Good News. So, what have we learned this week?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35We've learned what Bill Turnbull says during sex.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38I'm the daddy now.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I don't know about you, but I think Anne Widdecombe's been flashing.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47I don't think I've seen such a dirty engine room for many a year.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53And this is undoubtedly the best mug shot ever.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57We have new details about the man police say is responsible for a crime spree.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01A grand jury has indicted Mark Siebenmorgen on several charges...
0:01:07 > 0:01:11So, the big religious news of the week came form the Pope.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14For the first time the Pope has suggested that the use of condoms
0:01:14 > 0:01:15might not always be wrong.
0:01:15 > 0:01:20To be honest judging by his choice of furniture we should've seen this coming.
0:01:23 > 0:01:28"I like my chairs ribbed for extra comfort."
0:01:28 > 0:01:33He said that condoms can only be used in exceptional circumstances.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35I'm guessing he doesn't mean this.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41What does "exceptional circumstance" even mean?
0:01:41 > 0:01:42You can only use a condom
0:01:42 > 0:01:46if you're rubbing yoghurt on your nipples dressed as a puffin?
0:01:46 > 0:01:50It's not as if people use condoms in ordinary circumstances.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54I've never gone, "Shit, I'm going to miss that bus! I'd better rubber up!"
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Just chasing after a double decker with a semi.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03What are these exceptional circumstances?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Pope Benedict says in a new book the use of condoms
0:02:06 > 0:02:10can be justified in some cases, such as for male prostitutes.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Male prostitutes?!
0:02:11 > 0:02:16Sounds like someone at the Vatican has got a new special advisor.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26"His name is Cardinal Disco and you must obey him."
0:02:28 > 0:02:29We shouldn't be surprised.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Have you seen what the Pope wears under his robes?
0:02:34 > 0:02:38I'd love it if the Pope brought out his own condoms.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Can you imagine the advert?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Want to go for 40 days and 40 nights?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46You won't Adam and Eve our new Pope condom.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48When she's on her knees,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50pray you've got one of these.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Papal condoms - take your lover to Heaven and back.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07The other big news was, of course, this.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Prince William and Kate Middleton
0:03:09 > 0:03:12will be married on Friday 29th April at Westminster Abbey.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15People in their home town are royally pleased.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- I think it's fantastic. - It's really lovely.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20It's maybe just the bit of good news we need at the moment to cheer us up.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Are you excited about the wedding? - Absolutely not.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28You've got to love the Queen's reaction.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31The Queen said she's absolutely delighted.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34She ordered 300 bottles of vintage champagne.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37"Let's get wankered!"
0:03:38 > 0:03:41How much would you love to see the Queen pissed?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43"Hello!
0:03:43 > 0:03:45"I own all the swans in England.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48"Let's have a sing song."
0:03:48 > 0:03:50(RAPS) "I wanna stop, collaborate and listen
0:03:50 > 0:03:52"Ice is back with my brand new invention
0:03:52 > 0:03:53"Something grabs a hold of me tightly
0:03:53 > 0:03:55"Pull like a hawk come daily and nightly
0:03:55 > 0:03:57"Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know
0:03:57 > 0:03:59"Turn on the flow, and I'll go To the extreme
0:03:59 > 0:04:00"I wanna rap like a vandal
0:04:00 > 0:04:03"Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle
0:04:03 > 0:04:04"Dance, when you're feeling dope melody
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"Anything less than the best is a felony
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"If you got a problem, yo, I'll solve it
0:04:08 > 0:04:10"Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
0:04:10 > 0:04:11"Ice!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24"Philip, I think I'm ready for bed!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Take me to bed, Philip!"
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I really got carried away there.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40The media went haywire.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44They even asked Danny Dyer what he'd get them for a wedding gift.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48I'd like to see them eating pie and mash. The King, you know?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Or some jellied eels.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I'd force him to eat 'em in front of me.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59"Eat the eels, you slag, or I'll cut ya!"
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Did you see the way it was reported in Taiwan?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Look out for what they put on Harry'sarm
0:05:04 > 0:05:07and what they reckon Prince Philip will do at the wedding.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34You've got to love the way they do news.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37"Royal wedding? Let's make Harry a Nazi and Phillip a pervert."
0:05:37 > 0:05:42One of the bizarre bits of trivia, apparently Kate had fancied Wills for ages.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Her crush had begun much earlier.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49On the wall of her boarding school dormitory, a teenage Kate had pinned
0:05:49 > 0:05:53a poster of the boy prince who would one day become her husband.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Psycho!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58If you married the person you had on the wall when you were little,
0:05:58 > 0:05:59I'd be banging these two.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07And I don't ever want to think about, "To me," "To you,"
0:06:07 > 0:06:12"Stop it! Let me go."
0:06:12 > 0:06:14"Go on, Barry, do him."
0:06:16 > 0:06:20For me, the best part of the wedding day will be when Harry does a speech.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24He is guaranteed to get pissed and put his foot in it.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29I will never forget Grandad's response when Wills said he was marrying Kate.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Remember what you said, Grandad?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33"A fucking Muggle?!"
0:06:35 > 0:06:40You know, we are like the Mafia, cross us, you'll wake up with a horse's head in your bed.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Mind you, Dad doesn't mind.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Come on, everyone, it's a joke!
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Next up, meet Stuart Ross. He's only got one dream - he wants to fly.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Seeing the jet pack at the beginning of the 1984 Olympics
0:06:59 > 0:07:01is an image that stuck with me.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02To build a jetpack,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04or to operate a jet pack,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06to fly a jetpack, is just my dream.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08It flies a bit like a Harrier jump jet.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13With vector thrust and so on.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Vector thrust, wow!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Let's see this baby in action.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Incredible!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36This bloke is so deluded.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Stuart, how was that for you? - We got a few inches off the ground,
0:07:39 > 0:07:43but what we plan on doing is getting higher and higher and higher and higher.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Higher and higher and higher and higher.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I've beaten you already, mate.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52He's like a nutter on Dragons' Den.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54"Hello, dragons.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I made a sat-nav for bumble bees.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"The colours!"
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Now, talking of sat-navs, did you hear the great news about Brian Blessed?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Fantastic. A sat-nav voiced by this guy.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Gordon's alive?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23It's such a great idea.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Mind you, you wouldn't want to go the wrong way.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Tosser!
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Have you seen what he does when you reach your destination?
0:08:33 > 0:08:37When people arrive at their destination, I do the Tarzan.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- Tarzan?- Yeah.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Aaahhhhhh!
0:08:42 > 0:08:43I'm getting one of these!
0:08:43 > 0:08:47I also want a Brian Blessed car horn. Wouldn't that be great?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"Out of the way, dickhead!"
0:08:50 > 0:08:53We should clone him so that every house has its own mini Brian.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55You'd never get burgled. Imagine that.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57"I'm going to burgle..." "Fuck off!"
0:08:59 > 0:09:04I love him. But then, how can you not love a man that describes a Palm Pilot like this.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Palm Pilot?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Sounds like a wanking machine.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Check out what this guy's spent his life inventing.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20His name, Doug Heinz, and he's making Roxxxy,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23which he hopes to be the world's first sex robot.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Sex robot?! Who wants to shag a machine?!
0:09:27 > 0:09:32I've never looked at a microwave and gone, "If only she had tits."
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Mind you, at least you'd know when she'd had an orgasm.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37PING
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Enjoy that, babe?
0:09:43 > 0:09:48Maybe I'm being naive. I shouldn't judge before I've seen this robot beauty.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52This is Roxxxy's face, which is our model face.
0:09:52 > 0:09:58As you can see, the beauty that she has is quite striking.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Striking?! Who finds that beautiful?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04What do you look for in a woman?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08"I like them decapitated.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11"And on a wooden desk".
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Call me picky, but as my dear old man would say,
0:10:15 > 0:10:21"If you're going to buy a robot sex doll, make sure it's got a growler."
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Luckily, there's another fox in town...
0:10:26 > 0:10:29This is Roxxxy II.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34What the hell is that?
0:10:34 > 0:10:40You can make her look like anyone in the world and you go for melting Anne Robinson?!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I tell you what, though, maybe I'm judging.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50If that's your thing, look what else Roxxxy can do.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Her pelvic area thrusts when she's being intimate.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57We also have a very large tongue, which I'll show you in a moment.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58It's very erotic.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02This is the future. This is so cool.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Did you hear him at the end?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07He's holding the tongue, going, "That's the future."
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I thought it would be hoverboards,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12not getting a blowie off an android with a tongue like a cow.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19What I want to know, what kind of creepy weirdo would buy a sex robot?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Now for something altogether more artistic.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36In Poland's Silesian province,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38something may be about to shake up the world of art.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Maceba the horse has learned how to paint.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44No, she hasn't.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47A mad woman has just stuffed a brush in her mouth.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52All that was wants to paint is, "Please get me out of here!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55"I'd rather be Pritt Stick than this!"
0:11:55 > 0:11:59A painting horse - I tell you what, how it pissed off would you be if you're a jockey?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02"Come on! We're nearly at the end of the race..."
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"Don't move, the light is perfect.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11"I must paint you, little man, for I am an artist."
0:12:11 > 0:12:14It's ridiculous. They even got someone to review it.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17TRANSLATION: It's art of expression.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Very...interesting.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Very shit.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24It looks like someone's stamped on Morph.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30If you think her painting's bad you should see her try and write a novel.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45I tell you what, some incredible tales from the world of retail this week.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Did you hear about this special promotion?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50An Israeli electronic store has been bleating
0:12:50 > 0:12:54about a novel and pretty unusual way of drawing spenders in.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Coupons? A loyalty card?
0:12:56 > 0:13:02Buy a TV or another device here, and you'll get a brand new sheep thrown in with it.
0:13:03 > 0:13:10I bet there's a load of perverts in Wales going, "Oh! Excited!"
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Free sheep?! I bet the customers were furious.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17TRANSLATION: I got a sheep.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I bought a fridge for a very good price, and got a sheep.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I won't miss such an opportunity.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26How excited is he?! I bet he gets home,
0:13:26 > 0:13:30"Yasmeena! We have a fridge for cold food!
0:13:30 > 0:13:32"And lady sheep for free milk!
0:13:32 > 0:13:37"Mmm! Glorious milk, Yasmeena!
0:13:37 > 0:13:38"Farouk,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41"that is no lady."
0:13:49 > 0:13:51So, could it get any weirder? Yes, it can.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Check out these new toys.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56The German toy maker, and they make toys there,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59has created a new line of stuffed animals with psychiatric disorders.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02For 38 bucks, you can own a mentally-ill toy,
0:14:02 > 0:14:06complete with medical history, a referral letter and a treatment plan.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Among them, Doug the turtle, who suffers from severe depression.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Dolly the sheep, she's got multiple personality disorder.
0:14:12 > 0:14:17And of course there's Croco, a crocodile with an irrational fear of water.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23Shocking, isn't it? I can't believe that they missed Bi-polar Bear.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Mind you, this has nothing on this next story.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Why? It's nearly Christmas.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40You give me one good reason...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58How offensive could they get?!
0:14:58 > 0:14:59What was their slogan?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02"Transformers, robots in permanent care".
0:15:04 > 0:15:06It's unbelievable how thick they can be.
0:15:06 > 0:15:12Apparently they've also halted production of Optimus Nonce and ClungeKnob SquarePants.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18It's so shocking. I can't believe they were going to call a Transformer Spastic.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Imagine Santa getting that call.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23"You want a what for Christmas?!
0:15:23 > 0:15:25"Sorry, sorry, mate, it's a bit of a bad line.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28"Surely ALL the transformers are plastic?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31"What?!"
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Luckily, it's all fine now.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Apparently they're going to rename him Scope.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I tell you what, it's not just Transformers behaving badly.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Look where Buzz Lightyear's put his straw.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Now, have you heard the latest botanical revelation?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58A new study has found that if you talk to your plant,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00it's more likely to thrive if you have a Scouse accent.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Yeah, you heard right.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07Plants grow more if you talk to them in a Scouse accent. How did they find this out?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Was there a gardener trying different accents?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- POSH ACCENT:- Come on, Mr Plant!
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- IRISH ACCENT:- Ah, come on, would you grow for Daddy, just a little bit?
0:16:17 > 0:16:22- WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:- Seriously, mate, I need you to grow. Please?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- INDIAN ACCENT:- Please will you grow for me?
0:16:29 > 0:16:30That doesn't work.
0:16:30 > 0:16:36- LIVERPOOL ACCENT:- Seriously, mate, just fucking grow, would you, just a little bit for da... Ooh!
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Poor Scousers. It must be like being a really crap superhero.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42"I can travel through time!"
0:16:42 > 0:16:45"That's nothing, mate. I can make daffodils big".
0:16:46 > 0:16:48It's ridiculous. This report is a farce.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50You won't be surprised to hear
0:16:50 > 0:16:55that these findings are not based on scientific research.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Really(?)
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Of course it's not based on science. They gave the plants names.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02This is Bernard, a house plant.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Bernard doesn't have a Scouse accent.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08At least, he didn't when we filmed him this afternoon.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Wouldn't it be great if the plant went, "Bitch, get that mic out of my face!"
0:17:14 > 0:17:18I tell you what though, if the Scouse accent does make plants grow,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20we should use them for the good of mankind.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Drought...
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Crop failure...
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Just £5 a month can provide an African village with its very owns Scouser.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35As they say themselves, famine...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37My arse!
0:17:46 > 0:17:50From Liverpool to America, and the unhealthiest restaurant in the world.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54A restaurant in Chandler, Arizona, is attracting new customers
0:17:54 > 0:17:57by promising death and disease to its patrons.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Here, there are no healthy choices.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02This is the Heart Attack Grill.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04AMBULANCE SIREN BLARES
0:18:08 > 0:18:13Look at that food. Greasy, disgusting, wrong.
0:18:13 > 0:18:18But at the same time, strangely irresistible.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Much like this guy.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I can't believe it's called the Heart Attack Grill.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28How honest is that? That's like calling a brothel The Next Day Itch.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35You should meet the restaurant owner. He's an absolute cowboy.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39I run perhaps the only honest restaurant in America.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Hey, this is bad for you, and it's going to kill you.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46You dress like a doctor, but are you a doctor?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50To be honest, the American Medical Association does not recognise me.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Damn right they don't.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Let me check your vitals here, Bill.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01I think my heart's on that side.
0:19:01 > 0:19:08He doesn't care. This is an actual advert that he's put on telly to promote his own business.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12The Heart Attack Grill diet is not for everyone.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17Side effects may include sudden weight gain, repeated increase of wardrobe size,
0:19:17 > 0:19:22back pain, male breast growth, loss of sexual partners, lung cancer,
0:19:22 > 0:19:27tooth decay, liver sclerosis, stroke, and an inability to see your penis.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Mmm!
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43There's a mystery guest who's been in the news. I have to figure out who that is.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44Please welcome my mystery guest.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Pleasure to meet you, sir. My name's Russell, what's your name?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Good evening, Russell. My name's Dickie Borthwick.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Dickie Borthwick? It's a great name.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- Scottish.- You're Scottish?- Yeah.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10OK. I'm guessing it's something to do with football?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- You could be right there. - I could be right.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Are these boots that you've worn?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I've not actually worn those boots, but I've worn similar boots in the past.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Right. Did you used to be a professional footballer?
0:20:22 > 0:20:23No. I would have liked to have been.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Who wouldn't, man? Do you still play now?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Actually, I DO still play.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Do you really? Wow.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32OK, are you, like, the oldest footballer in Britain?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34You're right.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Is that right? Fantastic.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:43 > 0:20:46How old are you? Do you mind if I ask?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50I'll ask in a kinder way. Do you remember the films of Gregory Peck?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- Yes.- So you're about 70?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- A little bit more.- Bit more?
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Wow, and you're still playing? 75?
0:20:56 > 0:21:01- You're correct.- Wow, congratulations. You're still playing. What position?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- It's known as left midfield. - I know left midfield, yeah.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- That's where I play. - Really?- Yeah, I'm a lot like Pires.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09What I do...
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Yeah, I drift.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- Really?- Have you got a ball?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- It so happens...- Have we really?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18It's not one of the modern balls.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23- It's the type we used to play with when I was sort of 16, 18.- OK.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Let's have a kick around.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- Why not?- You're up for that? Cheers, that would be sweet.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I'm going to do some tricks!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Ooh, that's right!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:37 > 0:21:40This is great.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Shall we go over here? Shall we do keepy-ups? You up for that?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Not keepy-ups, but...- No? OK.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Let's have a kick around. What a great job this is I have.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- Go on, nice.- Yeah, yeah.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Do you know what this feels like?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11This feels like Field Of Dreams.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I've met my future self.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16On yer 'ed.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Come on, sunshine, let's have a quick word.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:30 > 0:22:33How's the game changed in all those years?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It's changed dramatically.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37The game is so much faster.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Did you have WAGs when you started?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Yeah, I've had my followers.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44You've had your followers?
0:22:45 > 0:22:49You'd get a card now and again through the letterbox.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54"Congratulations, Dick, on scoring."
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- Your name is Dick, isn't it?- It is.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Otherwise, that's a very different card.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Do you reckon you'll ever give up? Why? It's fantastic.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Personally, I've got a few more years left in me yet.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12- Of course you have.- I play for a team called Wyke Regis Veterans.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16We've been going for about 40 years now, I've been associated with them for 40 years.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Had a game Sunday, down at Weymouth.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- Won 5-2.- Get in.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24They allowed me to take the penalty.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29- Straight down the middle, like a rocket.- Fantastic.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:37 > 0:23:41- You didn't celebrate that at all? - I came out and shook hands.
0:23:41 > 0:23:46That's the way it used to be. None of this kissing and hugging.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50You're going to hate me, do you know what I used to do when I was 12?
0:23:50 > 0:23:51I was a dickhead when I was 12.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55I used to score and genuinely do this.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05It's been a genuine pleasure, thank you so much for coming on.
0:24:05 > 0:24:10- Please give it up... What is your full name, sir? - It's Dickie Borthwick.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Dickie Borthwick, ladies and gentlemen!
0:24:13 > 0:24:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:21 > 0:24:23So, what's been happening in the world of crime?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26For me, this has to be headline of the year.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34What an idiot. Dressing as a clown is hardly going to help you in a police line-up.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46You're probably thinking the lady was terrified. Guess again.
0:24:46 > 0:24:52This character in a clown mask threw open my bathroom door.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56I was on the commode. So it was kind of a surprise!
0:24:57 > 0:25:01I love that. On the toilet, openly laughing at him.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05What I want to know, who was more freaked out?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I bet they were going, "Ahh! You're a clown!"
0:25:07 > 0:25:10"Ahh! You're an old lady on the toilet!
0:25:10 > 0:25:14"It looks like you've got Brian Blessed's head in your lap!"
0:25:19 > 0:25:22"She has!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24"I'm a mini Brian Blessed!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26"Now fuck off!"
0:25:28 > 0:25:34The reason I adore this story is because of what the lady considered doing to the clown.
0:25:34 > 0:25:41I thought about doing ninja stuff to him but I thought, "No, he's faster than I am."
0:25:41 > 0:25:45So I more or less just sat there on the lid.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48So beautiful. "I thought about doing ninja stuff.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51"But I thought, nah, I'll just continue having a pooh."
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Although I'd love to see a ninja granny.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Imagine that, swooping down from a rooftop.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00"I'm 84!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04"Horlicks."
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Time for the good news story.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I saw this beautiful story on Children In Need.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I was watching it with my dog, interestingly.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20It's a little bit of detail, you don't need it, but it makes sense in a minute.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I saw this organisation called Dogs For The Disabled.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I thought it was lovely, and wanted to share it with you.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27It's about a young girl called Victoria.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33When I first went to school I thought everything would be fine.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37I was really happy, really bubbly.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Like a Year Seven should be.
0:26:39 > 0:26:46As the term went on, I suddenly realised I was not going to have many friends.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Some children think I'm all right.
0:26:52 > 0:26:58But most of them view me as dumb, or maybe a little bit stupid,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01because they only just see my walker.
0:27:03 > 0:27:09Because I can't join in some of the activities that the children do at school, I feel very lonely.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13But it's all changed now I've got my dog, Yaffle.
0:27:16 > 0:27:21My mum found out about the Dogs For Disabled when she typed it into the computer.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24I was so excited.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Ecstatic is the word.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Yaffle, come on!
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Yaffle is like my friend, my helper.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39My best buddy in life.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Such a good boy, aren't you?
0:27:41 > 0:27:46Coming home to Yaffle is like the clouds opening and the sun coming through.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Good boy! Yaffle, come here.
0:27:50 > 0:27:56School is improving a lot, and I'm now talking to people like I never used to.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58The most important thing Yaffle has given me
0:27:58 > 0:28:03is my independence and my confidence, and my love for life again.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07This way.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11He's just beautiful, inside and out.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14Genuinely lovely, isn't it?
0:28:14 > 0:28:18I was watching that, I'll let you into a secret, I had a bit of a tear in my eye.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19I was kind of like, "Oh, man," you know?
0:28:19 > 0:28:21You see something and you go, "Aah."
0:28:21 > 0:28:24And I looked down at my dog, and he was licking his arse.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30I really hope you've enjoyed tonight's show, good night.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:35 > 0:28:38E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk