0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Thank you. Thank you very much. Very nice of you.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35- MEMBER OF AUDIENCE WHISTLES - Thanks, fella!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37What's been happening?
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Over in America, some ground-breaking advice for dieters.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Never eat a cupcake as big as your head.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Back in England, Kay Burley saw a penis for the first time.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49How does it work?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- Can I have a play with it? - Of course you can.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Why have you got one and I haven't?
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Eamonn Holmes described the one luxury he'd take on a desert island.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01A Premiere League footballer who's got a massive erection.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10So how British is this? The big story of the week is the weather.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- It's been another night of snow. - Snow.- Snow.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15- Snow.- Snow. - Snow. Snow.- Snow.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19- Snow.- The worst November snows seen in Britain for 17 years.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23I love it when it snows. The entire country becomes like a Carry On film.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25"I had eight inches in my driveway. Mm!"
0:01:27 > 0:01:29"My back passage was soaking.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31"Oh, matron!"
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Do you know who I feel sorry for?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37The reporters. They have left this woman in snow since last Friday.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Then the snow was up to my knees.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Today it's well above.
0:01:42 > 0:01:48"I can't feel my feet." It could be worse. Look what American reporters have to put up with.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Another dangerous game kids play is to tunnel in snow banks
0:01:52 > 0:01:53near the road.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56A few years ago one boy...
0:01:57 > 0:01:59You're applauding! "Yeah!"
0:02:00 > 0:02:04I tell you what. If you think she chose a bad spot, check this guy out.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I've got my trusty stopwatch and here they come down the hill.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10It looks like Ruben is in the lead, and here comes...
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Mind you, I have to say to you I had a terrible incident earlier this year. I went sledging...
0:02:18 > 0:02:22It's already fairly weird - I'm 30, most of them are eight.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I crashed in front of a load of kids. Could it get worse? Yes.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Some Haribo fell out of my pocket.
0:02:28 > 0:02:36The only way I could have looked more of a paedo is if I was next to an ice cream van dressed as a puppy.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Do you know what else is great? How calm our weather men are.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42If you're out and about, it will certainly be the scarf and mittens
0:02:42 > 0:02:45and more than likely the old snow shovel into a few spots as well.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47In America, not so calm.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48That's only one problem.
0:02:48 > 0:02:55Problem number two - 14 to 22 inches of snow!
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Saturday afternoon. Tertiary problem...
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Yeah, I've been reading the dictionary.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Blowing and drifting!
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Oh, three-, four-, five-feet drifts!
0:03:07 > 0:03:14So you shovel, drifts back over, shovel, drifts, shovel... Argh!
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Grr! Aside from the weather, the other big news is, of course, this.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22The publication of confidential US diplomatic cables
0:03:22 > 0:03:24by the website WikiLeaks has been criticised by
0:03:24 > 0:03:28several governments including Britain, America and Pakistan.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33Does anyone else think that WikiLeaks sounds like an STD you get from Hogwarts?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36"All right, Ron?" "No, I've got WikiLeaks."
0:03:36 > 0:03:39"Testicular reperitar!"
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Of all the WikiLeaks, this one really caught my eye.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Some of the leaks are less serious, but still uncomfortable.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50There are suggestions of inappropriate behaviour by a member of Britain's royal family.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53"Philip, they're on to us!"
0:03:53 > 0:03:56"Get my stash. Big mama's going to blow the nest."
0:03:56 > 0:03:59So who was inappropriate? My money was on this guy.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04"Inappropriate behaviour's my middle name!
0:04:04 > 0:04:08"Leave me alone with a swan, I'll give him a Hitler moustache.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10"It's what I do!"
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Amazingly, it wasn't Philip.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17It was Prince Andrew and everyone around the country went, "I couldn't give a fuck.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23"It's snowing outside. I'm going to make a snowman with a big, icy wang."
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Next up, the student protests rumble on.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Good evening. Thousands of students have taken to the streets once again
0:04:33 > 0:04:37to protest against the planned increase in university tuition fees.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41For me, the funniest part of the whole riot was this photo.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Look at that.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45He's hardly a struggling student.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47He's wearing a wax jacket.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49He's on his way to a pheasant shoot.
0:04:49 > 0:04:54Look at this headline. He was meant to be at a job interview.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57"Job interview went quite well, Mum." "Did it really?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00"You're in The Sun flipping the bird!"
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Bizarrely, he wasn't the thickest person at the march.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07One student tried to write graffiti with a spoon.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15I'm guessing she doesn't go to Oxford.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17# White, suburban
0:05:17 > 0:05:19# Middle class
0:05:19 > 0:05:21# Never have to work again... #
0:05:21 > 0:05:25This priest stole from his church to fund his unusual habit.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29According to court documents, Father Keith LeBlanc was stealing money from
0:05:29 > 0:05:34the church to fund a very expensive pornography habit.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase Palm Sunday.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I bet he was praying like that.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I'd love to have seen his sermons.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Can you imagine? "Jesus was whipped, stripped and nailed to a cross.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49HE EXHALES
0:05:49 > 0:05:51"Back in a minute."
0:05:52 > 0:05:54BREATHING INTENSIFIES
0:05:54 > 0:05:57ARGHHH!
0:05:58 > 0:05:59HE SIGHS
0:05:59 > 0:06:02So how much did he spend on porn? A couple of hundred dollars?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05He racked up 25 grand on one credit card.
0:06:05 > 0:06:0825 grand?
0:06:08 > 0:06:09I bet his penis looked like this.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16"Please, Master, leave me alone!"
0:06:16 > 0:06:18So what's happening to him now?
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Right now Father LeBlanc is at a treatment centre under the care of the archdiocese.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24A treatment centre to stop you touching yourself?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Do you reckon they just play this on repeat?
0:06:26 > 0:06:31AUDIENCE GROANS
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Did you hear that?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34FLESH THUDS
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Well, you've got to question how I found that.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45My Google was like, "Are you sure?"
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"Yes, Google, go on." "I don't want to."
0:06:48 > 0:06:53You know it's a bad sign when your laptop goes, "Yargh!"
0:06:53 > 0:06:56My final crime story is this belter from Michigan.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59New charges have been filed against a police officer who
0:06:59 > 0:07:03admits to confiscating marijuana from suspects, then baking it in brownies.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08Now if you think a rogue policeman making hash cakes is funny, you should listen to his 911 call.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30"Really slow."
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Mind you, there are worse occasions for time to be slow.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38AUDIENCE GROANS
0:07:38 > 0:07:40FLESH THUDS
0:07:40 > 0:07:45- HE SPEAKS SLOWLY:- Really slow...
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Now, did you hear this fantastic story?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Three teenage boys have returned home after
0:07:55 > 0:07:59being found alive after spending 50 days adrift in the South Pacific.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01They were away for 50 days.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Poor sods. They missed most of my series.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Did you see what they survived on?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09The boys, who were long-presumed dead, managed to stay alive on
0:08:09 > 0:08:14rainwater, a couple of coconuts and a single raw seagull.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19How handy's that? The exact ingredients that go into a Pot Noodle.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21They must have got pretty close on the boat.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25How awkward would it be if one of them went, "Listen, lads, we're not going to make it.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28"I don't want to die a virgin."
0:08:28 > 0:08:32"Come on. Who would know? It's not like a boat's going to turn up."
0:08:32 > 0:08:35SHIP HORN BLARES
0:08:35 > 0:08:36APPLAUSE
0:08:43 > 0:08:47"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"Just one of my jokes.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52"I've never bloody...bloody...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56"Please don't tell anyone."
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Back in Blighty, check out this freaky story.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10What do they do for maths? Take them dogging?
0:09:10 > 0:09:15"Right, kids. Let's show you how two goes into one." "Argh!"
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Can you imagine the ceremony? "Does anyone know of any reason why these two should not be legally married?"
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"They're five."
0:09:22 > 0:09:25The best bit would be the moment they kissed.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28An entire church full of kids going, "Urgh!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"You kissed a girl. What a gaylord."
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Was it just a wedding? Oh, no.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38They even had stag and hen parties.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40They had a stag do. "Did you go to Vegas?"
0:09:40 > 0:09:42"No, we built a den."
0:09:42 > 0:09:45A five-year-old stag do? I'd love to see that.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I'm really not sure about this.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49This feels really wrong.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Listen, love. We have the money.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Now do the dance.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54# Who lives in a pineapple under the sea
0:09:54 > 0:09:57# SpongeBob SquarePants
0:09:57 > 0:09:58# SpongeBob SquarePants
0:09:58 > 0:10:00# SpongeBob SquarePants
0:10:00 > 0:10:03# SpongeBob SquarePants... #
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Mind you, if you think a toddler wedding is peculiar,
0:10:05 > 0:10:09have a look at the latest beauty pageant news from America.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12More and more boys are capturing the crowns at beauty pageants
0:10:12 > 0:10:14all across the country.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16In fact, the percentage of boys participating
0:10:16 > 0:10:18has doubled in just the last five years.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24They are pageant boys competing for crowns in a girl's world.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Well, I'm going to be sick.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32I'm sorry, I just find this wrong.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36You get to win a bunch of trophies. And crowns.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Mind you, good-looking kid, must get that from his mum.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I honestly never thought we would be doing...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Ahh!
0:10:44 > 0:10:48She looks like a scrotum with a scotch egg for a hat!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Look what she's making her child do.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Anything that pampers Zander, he likes.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58He showed off his beauty regimen, that includes manicures and make-up.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Why don't you just gift wrap him for the bullies?
0:11:00 > 0:11:05At that age, you should be collecting football stickers, not getting a back, sack and crack.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Look how terrifying this lady is.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13When I see little girls, I always think, "I could turn my little boys into girls."
0:11:13 > 0:11:16These are my girls that I never had.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18"These are my girls I never had."
0:11:18 > 0:11:21"These are my girls I..." Imagine if that was your mum.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25"Come on, Ross. Put on your dress. Tuck your willy between your legs for mummy.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28"What's your name?" "Russell." "What's your name?" Russell.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31"What's your name?!!" "Rebecca."
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"Leave me alone, Mum."
0:11:37 > 0:11:40It's a disgusting world. Look how young they start them.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Some boys take the stage mere days after being born.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I think Kevin did really well. He was awake and wasn't crying.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50He's a baby!
0:11:50 > 0:11:54A baby beauty pageant, Christ. Can you imagine what they make them do?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:12 > 0:12:15So did you see Cameron's latest big idea?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18The Prime Minister has launched a £2 million national consultation on
0:12:18 > 0:12:20how to measure the nation's happiness.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22The Government is going to see how happy we are.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Classic Cameron - student riots, recession, it's freezing, and he's going...
0:12:25 > 0:12:30# If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands... # Come on, guys!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I didn't think you'd actually do it.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34How lovely was that?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36"Does that mean? No, sorry."
0:12:36 > 0:12:41It's ridiculous. He's going to spend two million quid on a survey to see what makes us happy.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Tell you what'll make us happy, give us the £2 million. Let's spend it on something we'd all watch.
0:12:45 > 0:12:50We can put a Lady Gaga meat dress on Jeremy Kyle and lock the prick in a zoo.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55When we fill in the questionnaire, I say we wind Cameron up.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57He'd go, "So, what would make them happy?"
0:12:57 > 0:13:00"It says here, Prime Minister, they want to replace you with this guy."
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Let's do it, man. You can't measure happiness, it's different for everyone.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Sometimes it can be something as simple as the right bit of music.
0:13:11 > 0:13:17MUSIC: "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence And The Machine
0:13:23 > 0:13:25It's different for every person.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28For me, happiness is a cat, a tortoise and some Sellotape.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:39 > 0:13:41If you want to be happy, here's a tip...
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Spend some time with my brother. He doesn't care.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48The other day, we were in Waterstone's, he picked up a copy of Twilight and in front of about
0:13:48 > 0:13:54six teenage girls he started reading out, "Edward Cullen had never been so hungry for blood.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56"Bella was on her period."
0:14:01 > 0:14:03From nowhere, that's happened.
0:14:03 > 0:14:09Suddenly, we're running away from a bookshop, giggling like monkeys.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17If you're upset with your local council, you've got nothing on this village.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20This is the sleepy village of Sarpourenx,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22near the Pyrenees mountain range.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24It's 300 residents have been getting on with life
0:14:24 > 0:14:26pretty much as usual, until lately.
0:14:26 > 0:14:32That was until their mayor took the rather radical step of banning any of his residents from dying.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35He banned them from dying.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38How mad is he? He's like Mayor West from Family Guy.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Imagine him walking around the village, "I have banned death.
0:14:41 > 0:14:47"Hedgehogs must only wear bikinis and bread must now be called whitey slicey, put it in your mouthy."
0:14:47 > 0:14:52Look at him! Have you ever seen anyone this French?
0:14:52 > 0:14:56TRANSLATION: I've issued a decree in the village that you can't die here.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58If you do, you will be severely sanctioned.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00"Severely sanctioned."
0:15:00 > 0:15:03There must be people operating dead relatives like puppets, "He's coming!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05"Put your hand up your nan's arse."
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Hello!
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Nobody dead here.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Would you like a cup of tea?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Makes you think though. A village where you're not allowed to die.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Do you reckon that's where the BBC keeps this guy between series?
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Staying in France, did you hear the fuss about the new Renault car?
0:15:23 > 0:15:28French auto maker Renault has decided to name its new electric car "Zoe",
0:15:28 > 0:15:29much to the chagrin
0:15:29 > 0:15:32of about 35,000 people in France who share that same name.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Why are people upset about a car called Zoe?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Cedric Renault worries his daughter Zoe will be mocked.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- TRANSLATION:- He said Zoe could hear comments like,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43"How are her airbags?"
0:15:43 > 0:15:45She will now,
0:15:45 > 0:15:49now you've gone on telly and given everyone the idea.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Why the fuss? It's just a name.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55Nobody accuses David Dick-in-son of having an affair with his child.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59I liked it. Taking of weird stories, look at this.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02A central Florida car seller is causing quite a stir with his latest
0:16:02 > 0:16:07sales pitch - buy a truck, get a free AK47.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13A truck and a free gun. It's like a sex offender starter kit.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16What next? Free gaffer tape and bin bags? It's ridiculous.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Has anyone else noticed the fatal flaw in this promotion?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21"Here's your truck, here's your gun.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23"That will be 10,000."
0:16:23 > 0:16:25"Guess again, dickhead."
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Have you heard the latest scientific breakthrough?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32A very well-respected university says psychic abilities
0:16:32 > 0:16:33are no laughing matter.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36New research from Cornell University has some serious findings
0:16:36 > 0:16:41that suggest humans may have the ability to predict events before they happen.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Humans have psychic powers. Mind you, not everyone has mastered it.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49A psychic drawing, a psychic drawing of Brian.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I don't even know what's going
0:16:52 > 0:16:54to come out of this pen.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57This is how psychic
0:16:57 > 0:16:58it is.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02I don't even know what the pen's doing.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I've got to take a peek.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Oh, God!
0:17:12 > 0:17:17To be honest, she was thinking of Justin Bieber.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21This study reckons if you concentrate hard enough, you can read someone's mind.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Let's give it a try. Let's see if we can do this.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27How about you, sir, there with the jacket?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Let's see if I can read your mind.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32"I'm having a lovely evening."
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Pretty good. How about the bloke next to you with the rainbow top?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Here we go. Let's see if I can read your mind.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42"It's so cold outside."
0:17:42 > 0:17:45It is. That's a fair point. Madam on the end, let's do you.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Here we are. Let's see what's in your head.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51"I eat babies. Yum, yum, yum, yum."
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Let's give you another go, here we go. I'm wiping my hand.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08"If I had a penis, I'd call it Derek."
0:18:10 > 0:18:12S-s-sick bitch!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25There's going to be a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Please welcome my mystery guest.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- Hello.- Hello. - I'm Russell, nice to meet you.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- I'm Tanys.- Tanys, that's a great name. I've never heard that before.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45So, I've got to guess what you do.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- Is it something to do with cheese? - It might be.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52OK. Do you make cheese?
0:18:52 > 0:18:53You're going to have to try a bit harder.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Think of something really big.
0:18:59 > 0:19:04It's something to do with cheese, it's big. Have you made the biggest block of cheese in England?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- You have nearly got it. - Was it in a different country?
0:19:08 > 0:19:12No, it was in this country, but, can I tell you what it is?
0:19:12 > 0:19:16"No! We like to see him suffer!"
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- You were nearly there before. - So, it's the biggest cheese.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23It's the... What are you doing?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25It's cheese you can turn into a motorbike?
0:19:25 > 0:19:31- It's... You made the biggest cheese sandwich?- Cracker.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Hang on, don't help me.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34- Pizza?- No.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Stop it!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38It's...
0:19:40 > 0:19:44I know it gives you nightmares, but this is ridiculous.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Cheese sculpture.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Wait, hang on!
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Have you made a cheese sculpture?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I have.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Wow!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Basically, I made the largest
0:19:59 > 0:20:02cheese sculpture that's ever been made out of Cheddar.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03What did you make?
0:20:03 > 0:20:09The Guinness Book Of Records largest cheese for the Bath And West Show.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- There it is. - There it is, me and my big cheese!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:18 > 0:20:22It was 600 kilos, arrived at my house, agh!
0:20:23 > 0:20:27I was told, you've got to carve a crown made out of cheese.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29That's what I did.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32You make it sound like you didn't plan it. Somebody rocked up,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34"Here's the cheese, make me a crown."
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Not being funny, it was kind of like that.
0:20:37 > 0:20:43My husband is basically the cheese man of Wookey Hole.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Have you done anything like this before?
0:20:49 > 0:20:53The main thing that I actually do is I make cheese wedding cakes.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- So people come to me... - Still amazing.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58They want me to make cheese wedding cakes.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01I also make cheese wedding cakes, which are covered in chocolate.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Don't worry, you would love it.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07It looks fab, it looks like a big chocolate cake.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Then I put cheese chocolates all round it and the cheese chocolates,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I think you might have a chance to try some in a minute.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Here she comes.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17My personal assistant.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22- Now, now, now... - Hello.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28Hang on a minute! Am I on drugs? What is happening?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32- No, you're not.- We all saw a mouse, quite a sexy mouse.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34It was a sexy mouse.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Have a taste of the chocolate. There's a white one.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40How these cheese chocolates arose was...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Taste good?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47APPLAUSE
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Really?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51He's eating it all, mind. He's doing really well.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Wouldn't it be terrible if it was riddled with Rohypnol and I went like that...
0:21:57 > 0:21:59And you just dragged me off
0:21:59 > 0:22:02and the rabbit just comes out.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- Have you tried this? - I don't like the look of that.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08That looks like something that Blobby,
0:22:08 > 0:22:12that's what Noel Edmonds did to Blobby!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I'm doing Deal or No Deal! Die! Die!
0:22:14 > 0:22:19- Maybe that's a next one, we've got to make a Blobby out of cheese. - Make a Blobby?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Where do you reckon Blobby is now?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24He's probably frozen somewhere.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27He's on crack in Morecambe.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32Getting back to Wookey Hole Caves, can you imagine, I'm there,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34one reason I started doing this was because I was having to
0:22:34 > 0:22:39clean the caves, rather than and I wanted to do something different.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40This is so wonderful.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Everything starts with something mad at the beginning.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I had to do that because I was cleaning caves.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47That's a tricky job in that they're caves.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I've never been around a cave and said, "This place is a shithole."
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Cleaning stalactites. How weird is that?
0:22:53 > 0:22:58- And all the cheese has to be turned. - From where? Where's the cheese?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01In Wookey Hole Caves. That's stored in the caves.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Who stores it there?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- My husband.- Put it in the fridge!
0:23:05 > 0:23:10You don't need to because it's nice and cold.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Wookey Hole Cheddar picks up the flavours of the cheese in the cave.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17My girlfriend would never believe me if I went, I'm just off to put the...
0:23:17 > 0:23:20In fact, saying that I'm off to put the cheese in a cave sounds...
0:23:22 > 0:23:24..like a tremendous euphemism.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26APPLAUSE
0:23:26 > 0:23:32But I like you, I love people like you. That is wonderful. Please give it up for my mystery guest!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Now, sometimes the world can get you down and a story comes along that cheers you up.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Heathrow Airport officials have apologised to X Factor stars Jedward
0:23:46 > 0:23:48after complaints about members of
0:23:48 > 0:23:53security staff allegedly mocking and victimising the pair at Heathrow Airport.
0:23:53 > 0:23:59John and Edward claim staff carried out extra security screenings for their own amusement.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I love that. "For their own amusement."
0:24:01 > 0:24:04"Can you say rubber glove?"
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Imagine the joy the security guards felt when they saw Jedward.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11You do a job where you're allowed to put your finger up someone's arse
0:24:11 > 0:24:17and two of the most annoying people ever turn up like that. "Aaaah!"
0:24:17 > 0:24:22"Right, lads, let's see if twins really do feel each other's pain!"
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Apparently while up there, they found this guy's wristwatch!
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Now, talking of the X Factor... Thanks very much.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Talking of the X Factor, what about this for a story?
0:24:38 > 0:24:46X Factor star Katie Waissel's grandmother has been exposed as an escort who sells sex to her clients.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51Bloody hell, my nan just makes cakes.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Her nan was not shy about her conquests.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I've had a tube driver, I've had a taxi driver.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00I've even had a tax inspector.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Bloody hell, a tube driver. Why would a tube driver shag a granny?
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Surely you've had enough of large, scary tunnels?
0:25:11 > 0:25:16Every time you go through one, you get a flashback. Imagine shagging a granny.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Are you going to take those wrinkly tights off?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20"I already have!"
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Eeeeewwww!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I'm gutted that Katie's been voted off.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29She should use her nan for revenge.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Lock her in a room with One Direction.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34They won't be so jolly by the time she's finished with them.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36# Can't buy me love... #
0:25:38 > 0:25:42"So cold. So cold!"
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Poor Katie. Mind you, it's a good job it wasn't Wagner's nan!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Now, millions of vulnerable children throughout the world live on the streets.
0:25:59 > 0:26:04Street Child World Cup aims to offer these kids a better life through their shared love of football.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33There you go. Now, if you've got a good news story that you think
0:27:33 > 0:27:36we should know about, log on to our blog and tell us all about it.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Hope you enjoyed the show. Good night.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE