0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Welcome to Good News!
0:00:28 > 0:00:33Now, this show is a chance for me to share some of my best bits with you,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36as well as some bits that have yet to see the light of day.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37I've got to burp, hang on.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41See? That's new. Also, watch out for our mystery guest.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44I'll tell you what, this show is really popular in the Philippines.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47'Next, Russell Howard's Good News.'
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Whoa, whoa, steady on, guys.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59I'm just a man. So what's been going on whilst we've been away?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I think Jeremy Thompson's been putting it about.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04It's sore but I should survive.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09Kay Burley has been scaring old ladies.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13It is in fact still locked and that's why all of the...
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Let's have a look at that again.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Not everyone's scared of Burley.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26This old guy really put her in her place.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28We're almost out of time, Harry,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31but I wonder what it's like being interviewed on live telly.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- Have you ever had that happen to you before?- Yes.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35"Yes, I have."
0:01:40 > 0:01:43The Chilean miners are free.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48MUSIC: "The Boys Are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy
0:01:48 > 0:01:51It's so lovely, isn't it? It's a genuinely wonderful story.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54My favourite miner without doubt was Super Mario.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58THEY CHANT
0:01:58 > 0:02:02He's incredible. Did you see what he said at the press conference?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Isn't that amazing?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18"Hey, Mario. Do you want to talk about your ordeal?"
0:02:18 > 0:02:21"No. I want to bang my wife until she cannot walk.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25"This is one Mario who doesn't need mushrooms to get big.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28"Hey, hey!"
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Now they're free, their lives have changed forever.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32But with such extraordinary drama,
0:02:32 > 0:02:36it is little wonder that Hollywood can see the potential.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Already a film has been talked about as a certainty.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I've actually seen a sneak preview.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53# And if one green bottle should accidentally fall... #
0:02:53 > 0:03:00MINERS JOIN IN: # There'll be 999,999,999... #
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Maybe it isn't an action film. Maybe it's a modern-day bromance.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- Hey, Miguel?- Si?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I wish I knew how to quit you.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Congratulations are in order to Prince William and Kate Middleton.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38A Royal wedding next year -
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Prince William and Kate Middleton are to marry.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I think it's brilliant, because Kate Middleton is fit.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Finally, a QILF will be on the throne.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49LAUGHTER
0:03:52 > 0:03:54People in their home town are royally pleased.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- I think it's fantastic. - It's really lovely.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00It's the bit of good news we need at the moment to cheer us up.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- Are you excited about the royal wedding?- Absolutely not.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Tell you what, you've got to love the Queen's reaction.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11The Queen said she's absolutely delighted.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14She ordered 300 bottles of vintage champagne.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16"Let's get wankered!"
0:04:17 > 0:04:21How much would you love to see the Queen pissed?
0:04:21 > 0:04:22"Hello!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25"I own all the swans in England.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27"Let's have a sing song.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- RAPS:- "I wanna stop, collaborate and listen
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"Ice is back with my brand-new invention
0:04:31 > 0:04:33"Something grabs a hold of me tightly
0:04:33 > 0:04:35"Pull like a hawk come daily and nightly
0:04:35 > 0:04:36"Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know
0:04:36 > 0:04:38"Turn on the flow, and I'll go to the extreme
0:04:38 > 0:04:40"I wanna rap like a vandal
0:04:40 > 0:04:42"Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle
0:04:42 > 0:04:44"Dance, when you're feeling dope melody
0:04:44 > 0:04:45"Anything less than the best is a felony
0:04:45 > 0:04:47"If you got a problem, yo, I'll solve it
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
0:04:49 > 0:04:50"Ice!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03"Philip, I think I'm ready for bed!
0:05:05 > 0:05:07"Take me to bed, Philip!"
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I really got carried away there.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20We all know the Irish economy is struggling.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Ireland is repaying record Government debts as it struggles
0:05:23 > 0:05:26with high unemployment, a housing market that has crashed
0:05:26 > 0:05:28and the costs of supporting its banking system.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31But never fear, Ireland - look what your government has come up with...
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Preparations are under way for the distribution of free cheese
0:05:35 > 0:05:37to needy people, starting on Monday.
0:05:37 > 0:05:4153 tons of cheese will be given to charitable organisations
0:05:41 > 0:05:42to distribute.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Ireland announced cuts of six billion
0:05:44 > 0:05:47and the Government are giving poor people free cheese!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49What a piss take. "Got no money?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51"Have a Dairylea dunker."
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Poor people love cheese.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58I have lost count of the amount of times I have seen a homeless guy go,
0:05:58 > 0:05:59"Got any Cheddar?"
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Also, with the Irish accent, imagine the confusion.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Some God-botherer knocks on your door.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07"Have you thought about letting cheeses into your life?"
0:06:10 > 0:06:12"I don't like cheeses."
0:06:12 > 0:06:16"You don't like the baby cheeses?"
0:06:16 > 0:06:18"No, I hate Mini Babybels."
0:06:18 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"What about the Holy cheeses?"
0:06:25 > 0:06:27"Swiss cheeses?"
0:06:29 > 0:06:32"I didn't mean that one. You know, cheeses can bring you peace."
0:06:32 > 0:06:36"Really? I heard it gave you nightmares."
0:06:36 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER
0:06:38 > 0:06:41"Moving on to the next story."
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Maybe free cheese is a good idea.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Sometimes it can give you superhuman powers.
0:06:52 > 0:06:58# I'm on the top of the world looking down on creation... #
0:06:58 > 0:06:59SNAP!
0:06:59 > 0:07:02MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Say again, love?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- MAN: Are you doing autographs after the show?- Am I?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I'll give you a kiss. How about that?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Say again?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- MAN: How about now?- How about now?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27You come here and I'll kiss you.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Tongues!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41CHEERING
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Do you want to know why that's doubly weird?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Cos just before he kissed me, he went, "I'm 16."
0:07:55 > 0:07:57LAUGHTER
0:07:57 > 0:07:58- WOMAN:- Paedophile!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02That means he's legal!
0:08:02 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Press the red button now to see what I do to that young man
0:08:08 > 0:08:11after the show.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20So, what's the latest health fad to hit the news?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Let me ask you something. How far would you go to lose weight?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Pretty far. I'll do most things.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Believe it or not, some dieters are injecting urine
0:08:27 > 0:08:30into their bodies in an attempt to shed some pounds.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34How much of a conversation stopper would that be?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36"You've lost weight, what's your secret?"
0:08:36 > 0:08:38"Wee." "The Nintendo?"
0:08:38 > 0:08:40"No, I inject myself with piss."
0:08:41 > 0:08:43"OK!"
0:08:43 > 0:08:46If people are injecting wee,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48how long before someone takes it a step further?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Hi, fat people. I'm Chad Chadson.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55I used to be like you! And then, I started drinking urine.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59AUDIENCE GROANS
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Don't just take my word for it.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08I lost five pounds in a week! Thanks, Chad.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11That's the power of the golden shower.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13It's great for all the family!
0:09:15 > 0:09:17LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Oh, I don't even want to lose weight!
0:09:19 > 0:09:24I'm Chad Chadson. I'm in shape. You're in shape.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Now, if you think you're a fussy eater,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34you've got nothing on Nicolas Cage.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37So how does Nic Cage's dinner make him such a winner?
0:09:37 > 0:09:38When it comes to his diet,
0:09:38 > 0:09:42it seems actor Nicolas Cage has an interesting way of deciding
0:09:42 > 0:09:43what's OK and what's not.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46That's right! Cage will only eat animals
0:09:46 > 0:09:49who have sex with dignity.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50What?!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55He'll only eat animals who have sex with dignity?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57How does an animal have sex with dignity?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I can't imagine a badger lighting a scented candle.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03"Darling, you will tell me if I'm going too rough."
0:10:03 > 0:10:09# Sail away, sail away sail away... #
0:10:09 > 0:10:11If I was an animal,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I'd be outside Cage's house deliberately having freaky sex
0:10:14 > 0:10:16so he doesn't eat me. Wouldn't you?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19A rabbit - "Here he comes, Brian, put your finger up my arse!"
0:10:19 > 0:10:22"Call me a bitch, Brian, look in his eyes!"
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Imagine a cow in a field wearing nipple clamps -
0:10:27 > 0:10:28"Moooo-ah!
0:10:28 > 0:10:33"Cage! Cage! We're into all sorts, Mr Cage!
0:10:33 > 0:10:38"You should see our sex tape! Two cows, one trough!"
0:10:38 > 0:10:40LAUGHTER
0:10:40 > 0:10:43"Don't eat me, Mr Cage!"
0:10:43 > 0:10:46It's ridiculous!
0:10:46 > 0:10:47How could you even check?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50People would think you were a bloody weirdo.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Imagine at a restaurant - "Any questions about the menu, sir?"
0:10:53 > 0:10:55"Yeah, the chicken - has it ever been teabagged?"
0:10:57 > 0:11:00"I'll go have a look, Nicholas. Hello, Mr Chicken,
0:11:00 > 0:11:04"have you ever had balls hit your face?" "No, I don't think so."
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Is it me, or is this detective suspicious about his colleague?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10We'll send out a strong message to any paedophile
0:11:10 > 0:11:13who's out there and has not been outed yet.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16LAUGHTER
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Tell you what, the award for slowest chair theft ever
0:11:25 > 0:11:26goes to...
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Well, let's see if that's the end of the story.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32What I know is I don't think this creates the secure base
0:11:32 > 0:11:36that universities need. I also don't think these proposals are fair.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38When you look at the detail...
0:11:38 > 0:11:40What do you want to know?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- What would your face look like... - What does my face look like?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47What would your face look like if you were a dog humping a guy's leg?
0:11:47 > 0:11:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Wait, let me answer that one question.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59What I love about that, is I'm in the middle of doing my telly show
0:11:59 > 0:12:01and a man has interrupted to ask,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03"Russell, what would your face look like
0:12:03 > 0:12:06"if you were a dog shagging a man's leg?"
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I imagine it'd be something like this.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:12 > 0:12:15He took a photo! That was a trap, that was a trap.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Now, take a look at this incredible story from Iraq.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25A man stopped at a checkpoint,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29an Iraqi Army officer looks under his car and shouts "There's a bomb.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32"Get away." Soldiers immediately accuse the car's terrified
0:12:32 > 0:12:36occupants of being terrorists and threaten dire retribution.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40You're probably thinking, why are you showing me this? Take a look.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43This man's fear is all too real,
0:12:43 > 0:12:46but the bomb's a fake, and the soldiers are actors.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49This is reality TV, Baghdad-style.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52It's a prank show!
0:12:52 > 0:12:56They put bombs in a car for a prank!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Who thought of this? They're like, "What do we do next?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01"How about we accuse a wife of adultery,
0:13:01 > 0:13:05"threaten to stone her, then at the last minute custard pie!"
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Mind you if you think their reality shows are insane,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11you should see their version of Countdown.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Now, talking of shocking TV.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Channel 4 has defended a programme
0:13:27 > 0:13:30which depicts Prince Harry being kidnapped by the Taliban.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33In the show an actor playing the prince is taken hostage
0:13:33 > 0:13:36when his military helicopter crashes in Afghanistan.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37It's staggering, isn't it?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Do you reckon they'll do it in a Big Brother style?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42"Day 34 and Harry's getting tortured"
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Have you seen what it's called?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48This is an image from The Taking Of Prince Harry.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Surely they should have called it "When Harry Met Talli". Come on!
0:13:56 > 0:14:00If that opportunity presents itself...
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Did you see that reporter getting a blowjob off a pensioner?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Officers are being briefed as to the situation.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10There is a 300 metre exclusion zone from Notte Street
0:14:10 > 0:14:13right up here up to Royal Parade at the moment.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16LAUGHTER
0:14:25 > 0:14:27LAUGHTER
0:14:27 > 0:14:29WOMAN: Are you single?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Am I single? No, madam,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34but you sounded like the randiest dinner lady ever.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35"He's single!
0:14:37 > 0:14:40"I've got a fucking ladle and a net!"
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Some incredible tales from the world of retail this week.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Did you hear about this special promotion?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52An Israeli electronic store has been bleating
0:14:52 > 0:14:56about a novel and pretty unusual way of drawing spenders in.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Coupons? A loyalty card?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Buy a TV or another device here,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04and you'll get a brand-new sheep thrown in with it.
0:15:05 > 0:15:10I bet there's a load of perverts in Wales going, "Oh!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12"Excited!"
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Free sheep?! I bet the customers were furious.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19TRANSLATION: I got a sheep.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22I bought a fridge for a very good price, and got a sheep.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24I won't miss such an opportunity.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28How excited is he?! I bet he gets home,
0:15:28 > 0:15:32"Yasmeena! We have a fridge for cold food!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34"And lady sheep for free milk!
0:15:34 > 0:15:39"Mmm! Glorious milk, Yasmeena!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41"Farouk,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43"that is no lady."
0:15:51 > 0:15:54So, could it get any weirder? Yes, it can.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Check out these new toys.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Why? It's nearly Christmas.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04You give me one good reason...
0:16:19 > 0:16:22How offensive could they get?!
0:16:22 > 0:16:23What was their slogan?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"Transformers, robots in permanent care".
0:16:28 > 0:16:30It's unbelievable how thick they can be.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Apparently they've also halted production of Optimus Nonce
0:16:34 > 0:16:36and ClungeKnob SquarePants.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I tell you what, it's not just Transformers behaving badly.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Look where Buzz Lightyear's put his straw.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Have you heard about this shocking new book?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53The world's biggest book retailer Amazon has defended its decision
0:16:53 > 0:16:56to sell a book that advises readers on how to be a paedophile.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59A guidebook for paedophiles?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02What is it called? Nonce Upon A Time?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Do you know what my first thought was when I saw this book?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10That is my brother's Christmas present sorted.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Wouldn't that be amazing? He is spending it round his girlfriend's.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16"Daniel, what have you got from your brother?"
0:17:16 > 0:17:17"Nothing."
0:17:17 > 0:17:18"Go on, show everyone."
0:17:18 > 0:17:20"No!"
0:17:20 > 0:17:23The funny thing is, he is an excellent paedophile.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28Obviously that's not going to make the telly show.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31He's an average paedophile.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36He's not a paedophile, I should stress that.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37My brother has a real life
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and I don't want people throwing stuff at him.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Whatever you're doing, stop for a minute,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44cos this next story is wonderful.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Get ready to meet Britain's longest-married couple.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48This is great, you're going to love it.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52107-year-old Ralph and 101-year-old Phyllis
0:17:52 > 0:17:56have been married longer than any other couple in Britain.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00The Tarrants got married in 1933.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03They have gone on to have two children, seven grandchildren,
0:18:03 > 0:18:08three great grandchildren and a great, great grandchild.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11So, what's the secret to a long marriage?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14She goes her way. I go mine.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19No...
0:18:24 > 0:18:27"We just hang out in different rooms."
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Also the fact that his wife is piss funny.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34We're getting old, ancient.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39He said "getting".
0:18:40 > 0:18:42"Boom.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45"I'm like a wrinkly ninja." She's incredible - look at this.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49He tries to tell them about his adventures. She's got other ideas.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I've explored Rivelin Valley
0:18:51 > 0:18:55right from Malin Bridge right up to the Downs.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Would you like a coffee or anything?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00You can swim...
0:19:00 > 0:19:05I'm fine, thank you. He does talk a lot though, doesn't he?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07He does.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Gets on your nerves!
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Obviously the biggest sports news of the past week was Rooney.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Wayne Rooney pulled off a U-turn today -
0:19:21 > 0:19:25he did want to stay at Manchester United after all.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Yeah, cos now he's getting 250 grand a week!
0:19:29 > 0:19:31The local prostitutes are delighted.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Did you see where Carlos Tevez tried to hide his keys?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Did you see him getting them out?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Talking of fisting, it's been a big week for boxing.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50The rather timid Audley Harrison was no match for David Haye,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53and hardly a punch was thrown until the third round,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56when Haye had predicted he would floor his heavier opponent.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58He may have won but he's difficult to love.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01The greatest heavyweight of them all, Muhammad Ali, said this.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalised a brick!
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I'm so mean, I make medicine sick.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Whereas David Haye, he says stuff like this.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14This fight will be as one-sided as a gang rape.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16LAUGHTER
0:20:21 > 0:20:23It gets you right there, doesn't it?
0:20:23 > 0:20:28That is funny. Now...it can't all be badgers and jam.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29- Now... - GROANS
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Luckily, there's... No, I wasn't even meaning that!
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Why would I imply there was a badger on her period?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39MORE GROANS
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Well, that's what they were doing!
0:20:41 > 0:20:43How would I even fucking know?!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45"You going to shag that badger?"
0:20:45 > 0:20:48"No, she's on, I'm not a weirdo." What the fuck?!
0:20:48 > 0:20:49LAUGHTER
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I can't believe you reacted like I was the weirdo then.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Now, big news from outer space.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Science fiction could soon become science fact.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07That's because NASA scientists are toying with the idea
0:21:07 > 0:21:09of sending astronauts all the way to Mars.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Sweet.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Have a look who they're sending up.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Look at the reason why.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25They'll have to trick them onto the shuttle.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"This doesn't look like Butlins.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33"Where's Alan Titchmarsh? You bastards!"
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Imagine the poor sods at mission control having to deal with them.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38"Hello? I can't hear you.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40"You want me to what? Start the thrusters?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42"What's a thruster?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44"If only me grandson Tony were here.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46"No, it's Tom, isn't it?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49"No, it's Tony, it's Tony.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51"Tom...
0:21:51 > 0:21:53"Deirdre, is it Tom or Tony?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55"It's Tony, ain't it? It's Tony?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57"Is it Tom?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00"I've got mission control. Is it Tom?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02"Tony?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05"It's Charlotte!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08"It's Charlotte, ain't it?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11"Is it Tom?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14"I've got to go, mission control, Countdown's on.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17"And I've shit meself!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20"It's like a scatty lava lamp here."
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Now, usually I have to guess why my mystery guest has been on the news,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30but as it's the last show in the series, the production team
0:22:30 > 0:22:33have come up with a very special mystery guest just for me.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36# Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
0:22:36 > 0:22:38# Jingle bell swing... #
0:22:38 > 0:22:39CHEERING
0:22:44 > 0:22:45How are you?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I'm all right, thank you very much.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Excellent. Um...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51So, I imagine it has a Santa theme?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53No.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- It doesn't.- I am cunningly disguised as Santa,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58but I think you've got to dig a little deeper than that.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00OK, I have no idea.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- You're going to...- No.- Oh, I thought you were going to get undressed!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I'd be the perviest elf in the world!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10It's nothing to do with Christmas, yet you're dressed as Santa?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- Slightly confusing. - It could be, yes.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16It is, believe me!
0:23:16 > 0:23:19You have to go back a little bit more in time.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Maybe to your childhood days and watching Saturday night TV...
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Holy shit, I know who you are!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Don't say it that way! Yes.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Well, well then. You're Jet from Gladiators, aren't you?
0:23:30 > 0:23:31- Yes, indeed.- Fantastic!
0:23:31 > 0:23:32APPLAUSE
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- Can you take that off? Is that allowed?- Certainly can.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Holy shit!
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Wow, this is fantastic, nice to meet you!
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Happy Christmas.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- I feel like Eunice Huthart! - I know, she was incredible.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I tell you what, let's take a look at what it was like
0:23:49 > 0:23:52in the days of Jet and the rest of the Gladiators.
0:23:57 > 0:24:03# Do you feel the power of the Gladiators?
0:24:03 > 0:24:07# Can you face the challenge... #
0:24:07 > 0:24:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Fantastic. Well, there you go.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Can you still do that?
0:24:15 > 0:24:16The Jet hair flick?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- No, that flick you do... - Oh, yes, I can,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21but probably not in these boots tonight.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Oh, my God, my 15-year-old self is going...
0:24:23 > 0:24:24HE PANTS
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Do you know the effect you had on school... Of course you do.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- No!- Oh, my God.- I don't.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Every boy from about 12 to 16
0:24:32 > 0:24:35would finish their tea and go, "I'm off to my room, Mum."
0:24:35 > 0:24:37SHE LAUGHS
0:24:37 > 0:24:39"Don't expect me for an hour."
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Ironically, my room looked a lot like this!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44LAUGHTER
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48No, but it's very rare...
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Anyway. Back to the flick, can we have a go at it?
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Would you like to have a go?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I'll do it if you do it. Where shall we go, over there?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Yep, let's go over there, Jet from Gladiators!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I won't do it with no hands.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01I'm like that.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I'll do it first, then you have a go. OK, so...
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Watch the heels, the heels! Speed of the heels.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Thank you.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11CHEERING
0:25:15 > 0:25:17That was rubbish.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Um, we couldn't leave this today,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Christmas day, of all times, without a proper duel fight.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- Have we got pugil sticks?! - Here's one I prepared earlier.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Absolutely. Where are they?
0:25:29 > 0:25:30CHEERING
0:25:34 > 0:25:38This is Carl Mintz - ladies and gentlemen, Carl Mintz!
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Oi-oi-oi. Get in the fighting area, please.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Oh, he's doing his voice!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Contender, ready?
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Yes, Carl.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Gladiator, ready?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Gladiator, ready!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- On the whistle! Three, two, one! - BLOWS WHISTLE
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Get some purchase!
0:26:06 > 0:26:07APPLAUSE
0:26:08 > 0:26:11MUSIC: "Another One Bites The Dust" By Queen
0:26:11 > 0:26:13AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Nice! There you go.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Ladies and gentlemen...
0:26:22 > 0:26:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:26 > 0:26:28So, is there anything else you've got?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- No, that's it.- Sweet. Carl, do you want to come get these cotton buds?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Ah-ha!
0:26:37 > 0:26:38APPLAUSE
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- Can I get my other friend out to say hello to you?- Sorry?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Steve? No, because we're all fans. Steve, come say hello to Jet.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Jet from Gladiators.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52LAUGHTER
0:26:52 > 0:26:54That was impressive! Hello.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- You all right? - Yes, I'm fine, thank you.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59There you go!
0:26:59 > 0:27:01APPLAUSE
0:27:01 > 0:27:03It's a wonderful world.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07LAUGHTER
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Sorry, this is so exciting.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- What's your actual name? That's very rude of me.- It's Diane.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22- Diane Youdale.- Excellent. It's a genuine pleasure to meet you,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- thank you so much for coming on the show.- It's my pleasure,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- and congratulations with the show and everything.- Oh, thank you.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Ladies and gentlemen, Diane Youdale!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33AKA Jet from Gladiators! Thank you so much.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Yeah, come here. Come here.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Ready?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Yeah, come on. Ladies and gentlemen,
0:27:43 > 0:27:44Mr Dan Atkinson!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:48 > 0:27:49- Right.- Over arm, mate.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Over arm, sorry!
0:27:54 > 0:27:56YEAH!
0:27:56 > 0:27:58APPLAUSE
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Oh, wow!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Fuck me, could he have looked cooler then?
0:28:07 > 0:28:12Strutting on after sweets like a paedo Dr Who.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13LAUGHTER
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Well, there you go. I really hope you enjoyed this series,
0:28:15 > 0:28:17thank you and goodnight.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19APPLAUSE AND CHEERING