0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:19 > 0:00:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Hello! Thank you very much indeed.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Hello.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello. Welcome to my Good News "Best Of" show.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35We've covered a lot of stories this series,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37and here are some of my favourite ones.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Enjoy!
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Is it me, or are Jeremy Paxman's interviews getting too harsh?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45You actually are impotent.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47LAUGHTER
0:00:47 > 0:00:51I tell you what, teaching standards in this country have gone to shit.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Two-plus-two is vagina.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Vagina and vagina.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59LAUGHTER
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I'm pretty sure it's four.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06This is one of my favourite clips of all time.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Check out the advice an old Lady gave Ed Miliband
0:01:09 > 0:01:11on how to deal with the Tories.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I know, I know. We've got to do something about them, don't we?
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Well, I don't think that's a good idea, but we need to get them out.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26We definitely need to get them out. Take care.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32And finally, a word of advice, don't blow your nose near a child.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34They really don't like it.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37CHILD GIGGLES
0:01:37 > 0:01:39SOMEONE BLOWS NOSE
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Now, you may remember, last week we had the bug that looked like Elvis.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52The week before, we had the Hitler house.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54CHEERING AND WHOOPING
0:01:54 > 0:01:59Incredibly, the papers have come up with another. This week, it's...
0:01:59 > 0:02:02a tree that looks like a rock guitarist.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- Do you want to see it? You know you want to.- AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11It's brilliant, isn't it?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13To be honest, we shouldn't be surprised.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16If you look hard enough, most trees look like someone.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Some look like politicians.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Some look like film stars.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25And if you look hard enough,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28you can even find trees that look like Katie Price.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30LAUGHTER
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Sometimes I truly love the news in this country.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Have a look at the major crimewave that swept through Norwich.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Donkeys at a sanctuary in Norwich
0:02:44 > 0:02:47have had more reason than usual to be downhearted.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Their favourite toys were recently stolen.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Forget the recession, someone's stolen a toy from a donkey.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59It gets even better - check out what their favourite toys are.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Why are there donkeys playing with space hoppers?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Surely they prefer Buckaroo?
0:03:09 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Reminds me of Grandad.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I miss him so much.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17To be honest, it's little wonder they're upset.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Check out their owner's hat.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22So we put an appeal out on the news
0:03:22 > 0:03:25to see if anybody has one in their garden shed,
0:03:25 > 0:03:26they could kindly donate.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Why has she got our dead brother on her head?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Have you heard the latest news about the Liberals?
0:03:38 > 0:03:42A company in Suffolk have planned a musical about Nick Clegg.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Apparently they're going to call it "Clegg - The Musical".
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Surely they should have gone for
0:03:47 > 0:03:51"Nick And His Amazing Technicolour Bullshit".
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I was so excited by this, I couldn't wait.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55So, I've decided to write my own version.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Whatever you're doing, stop!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35You are about to have your mind blown to smithereens.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40This is one of the most amazing news stories I've ever seen.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45Take a look at this giant egg from a farm in southeastern Iowa.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47The egg came from a chicken named Aussie,
0:04:47 > 0:04:48and it measures more than three inches long
0:04:48 > 0:04:51and weighs more than four ounces.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Look how it compares with a normal egg.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Holy shit! Are you getting this?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Look at the size of that egg!
0:04:59 > 0:05:03You're probably thinking, and quite rightly, how did this make the news?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I reckon it's because it was found by Cletus off the Simpsons.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14"I was trembling.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17"It was the biggest egg I'd ever seen.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21"I knew something was up because the chicken was all like..."
0:05:25 > 0:05:27So, did he keep this discovery to himself?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I love him. He took his egg and showed it to complete strangers.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46"Mr Fireman, look at this egg!
0:05:46 > 0:05:48"Mr Mayor, we've got to celebrate.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52"We should call today... I don't know, Big Egg Day, or some shit."
0:05:52 > 0:05:57'As for Aussie, he says she took a week off before laying her next egg.'
0:05:57 > 0:06:00"She had to, her ass looked like a yawning hippo."
0:06:00 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Here's a headline I never thought I'd see...
0:06:07 > 0:06:11A bloke from Melbourne has been attaching a parrot
0:06:11 > 0:06:15to his windscreen wipers and taking him for a drive.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- Do you want to see the parrot in action?- AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20'One of the videos was shot in a Melbourne backstreet.'
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Hey, go Angus!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Good boy, mate!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28"I love it out here,
0:06:28 > 0:06:32"the wind blowing through my feathers.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35"You know, I don't think I've ever been happier."
0:06:35 > 0:06:38'Another, this one, at around 100 kilometres an hour
0:06:38 > 0:06:41'in the breakdown lane of a busy Melbourne freeway.'
0:06:41 > 0:06:43"Fuuuck!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"STOP THE CAR!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47"STOP THE FUCKING CAR!"
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Poor parrot!
0:06:52 > 0:06:57"Who's a pretty boy then?" "Not me, I've got flies in me teeth!"
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"Beak, not teeth. I haven't actually...
0:07:00 > 0:07:02"I haven't actually got any teeth...
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"I'm a parrot."
0:07:05 > 0:07:07I'd do the next joke if I were you, Russ,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10you look like a dick on national telly.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14The bloke is an absolute moron. Look what he gets angry about.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18I'm sick of people looking at me and laughing as I'm driving down the street.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Well, don't Sellotape a parrot to your car then!
0:07:21 > 0:07:24As you can imagine, the authorities want this to stop.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26'And you're telling people it'll stop?'
0:07:26 > 0:07:29No, I won't say it'll stop. I'm going to think about it.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31"Yeah, I'm going to think about it.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34"But then, in fairness, I said I'd think about going to the dentist."
0:07:36 > 0:07:39To be honest, the parrot should count himself lucky.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41There are worse cars to be attached to.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44# It's Friday, Friday
0:07:44 > 0:07:46# Gotta get down on Friday
0:07:46 > 0:07:50# Everybody's looking forward To the weekend, weekend... #
0:07:50 > 0:07:53HE MIMES ALONG TO SONG
0:07:53 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Blimey, look at the latest thing
0:08:04 > 0:08:06the Chinese government have banned...
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Just when you thought that the Chinese censors
0:08:08 > 0:08:10couldn't get any more sensitive,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13the authorities here have decided to ban time travel
0:08:13 > 0:08:15from all television programmes.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Their version of Doctor Who is going to be shit.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21LAUGHTER
0:08:21 > 0:08:26"Let's get the Daleks!" "I can't." "Someone's clamped the TARDIS."
0:08:28 > 0:08:30So, why are China doing this?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Madness. It'd be great to rewrite history.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42If I could travel back in time,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I would prevent the world's greatest evil.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Mr and Mrs Bieber!
0:08:54 > 0:08:59For the sake of humanity, use this condom.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:09:01 > 0:09:04We don't want you having a baby.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05- BOTH: Baby? - Baby.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07BOTH: Oh.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Look at the latest drug craze sweeping America.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Young people have reportedly been snorting or smoking
0:09:15 > 0:09:16common bath salts
0:09:16 > 0:09:19in an attempt to get high.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20How does it work?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Are there kids just walking up and down,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"Yo, man, got any Radox?"
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Just getting in the bath, "Oh, I feel so rejuvenated!"
0:09:27 > 0:09:31I tell you what, I would not fancy tripping in the bath.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Stop it! Stop it!
0:09:34 > 0:09:39Look at you, having a bath, talking to a duck.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42You used to be on Mock The Week!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Too freaky!
0:09:44 > 0:09:45HE GASPS
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Look at the size of my egg!
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Aaargh!
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Did anyone else see that old bloke talking about vajazzling?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02If it's groomed and quite smart,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05then it can be quite...enhancing.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08But if it's a mess, you think, "Yuck".
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I mean, what's it got inside there?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Did anyone else hear that bloke get his cock out, mid-interview?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18We're not royalists...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20ZIP! ..simple.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25And finally, I think this guy's in love with David Cameron.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27It's a system so unfair...
0:10:27 > 0:10:34# I want to know what love is
0:10:34 > 0:10:38# I want you to show me
0:10:38 > 0:10:43# I want to feel what love is... #
0:10:47 > 0:10:49What an incredible week of news.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51First, you couldn't have missed this...
0:10:51 > 0:10:54The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge show their love to each other
0:10:54 > 0:10:55and the world.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Married in Westminster Abbey with friends,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01family and dignitaries from across the globe.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04It was a wonderful day. Two people in love, the sun was shining,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06we got a day off.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09As ever, the British public were very reserved.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14- Oh, look at William looking at her. Look.- It's magical!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16It is absolutely magical!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. - Beautiful.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I am speechless. Speechless.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25CHEERING
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Kate! William!
0:11:28 > 0:11:32I love that. One minute she's speechless, next minute,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"Aaaaah!"
0:11:34 > 0:11:38It wasn't just the public, even the police got into the party spirit.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42CROWD CHEERS
0:11:43 > 0:11:44CROWD CHEERS
0:11:46 > 0:11:49CROWD CHEERS
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Mind you, it wasn't hard to get them going.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55The crowd cheered anything from the weather to a road sweeper.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59There's a 10% chance of a shower during the service itself...
0:11:59 > 0:12:00CHEERING
0:12:04 > 0:12:06CROWD CHEERS
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- AUDIENCE LAUGHS - "Hooray!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11"It's like a car AND a Hoover."
0:12:11 > 0:12:13LAUGHTER
0:12:15 > 0:12:16It's great, innit?
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Mind you, that was nothing compared to the moment Chris Hollins
0:12:20 > 0:12:22was accidentally racist.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Have we had a super day today?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- CROWD CHEERS - I've had a great day, thank you.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- Are you going home?- No.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Did anyone else notice the Queen didn't join in
0:12:38 > 0:12:40when they sang the national anthem?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I reckon it's because she's so bored of it.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44She's probably there, going,
0:12:44 > 0:12:49"Oh! If I had a pound for every time they played that song.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51"Oh, I do!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"Nice one!"
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I bet she makes up lyrics in her head.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01# I'm missing Bargain Hunt
0:13:01 > 0:13:05# What shall I have for lunch?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08# Maybe some chips
0:13:08 > 0:13:09# Doo-doo-doo-doo
0:13:09 > 0:13:13# Who would I rather be?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17# SpongeBob or Mr. T?
0:13:17 > 0:13:21# I want a butler space monkey
0:13:21 > 0:13:26# Cos I'm the Queen. #
0:13:26 > 0:13:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Now, this is the part of the show
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44There's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who it is.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46So, please welcome my mystery guest!
0:13:46 > 0:13:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:05 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- Welcome.- Hello. - I'm guessing your name's Jackie.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16That's me. Big Jackie.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18So, Big Jackie...
0:14:18 > 0:14:22If I close my eyes, it sounds like I'm on a chat line.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Hello, is that Big Jackie?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27666 9595.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Mum, are you on the line?
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Are you a ninja or something?
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Why did you say that?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Because you threatened to beat me up.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Have I given the secret away?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I don't know!
0:14:49 > 0:14:54I'm nervous of the next question in case I ask the wrong one and you knock me out.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- I can easily do that.- OK.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:58 > 0:15:00My name's Sam Sam the Bubble Man.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Sam Sam the Bubble Man.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05And I'm seven times Guinness World Record-holding bubbleologist.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Bubbleologist?
0:15:06 > 0:15:10When I think of bubbles, I think of being five and just having...
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Remember those ones, just like that, and just going, "Aaah".
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I'm not going to hold it. Look, it's terrifying.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Will somebody have a go for me?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- Do you want to have a go? You pretend to be me.- OK.- Sweet.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26What's that?!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28What the fuck is this?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31What's that?! I've never done that!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33With a little bit of polish, we...
0:15:33 > 0:15:36# We can make it through tonight... #
0:15:36 > 0:15:41Russell, you never know, you might. There are princesses available, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44We might have the wedding of Princess Beatrice and Russell Howard.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I've met her. My brother offered her Vaseline.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52No, no, no. Sorry. He did it the correct way.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Open, twist, move.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57It was before the London Marathon and she'd shaved badly
0:15:57 > 0:15:59and he went, "Would you like some?"
0:15:59 > 0:16:05And she... actually, she was very, "Da, da, da, da, da-da, da-da-da-da".
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Lovely(!) That's one for dinner parties.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:13 > 0:16:16This is the way we do it for Guinness.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21And if you want to get lots of bubbles in a bubble.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Now I'm going to get you to catch a bubble on top.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- OK.- Catch your bubble. Watch my lips.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:37 > 0:16:42I'm going to be showing you some of the things I teach, which is self defence.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47- Now, I won't throw you about like jujitsu because you wouldn't know how to fall, would you?- No.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- So...- Come over here. I'm going to get beaten up.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Right. Grab here again.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00We're not really meant to do this, but...
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- So grab there.- Yeah.- Oh, no!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Strike!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Ooh, let's get it off.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25I don't like that dress anyway.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:29 > 0:17:31We know what's happening - I'm getting beaten up again.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- Have you ever arm wrestled before? - I'm getting beaten up yet again.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Oh, the imagination of my production team(!)
0:17:40 > 0:17:42"He should get beaten up again!"
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I'll show you a few techniques.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Just punch me in the face.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Why do we have to fight? Can we not cuddle?
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Just sit down.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53- You sit down. - I don't want to be a sumo wrestler!
0:17:55 > 0:17:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I'll just pull you around.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03You'll be all right!
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Stop it!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Oh, stop it, you naughty boy!
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Stop it!
0:18:16 > 0:18:21- First technique...- You smell lovely. - Thank you.- Aaah! Yeah!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:25 > 0:18:27You left me there longer than you had to.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30But you're such a nice boy.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Well, we could try to put YOU in a bubble.- We could do, yeah.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:38 > 0:18:43OK. Admit it, it's got to be better than being beaten up my random women.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Yes, it is. Absolutely.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48It'd be lovely if I died in this bubble, eh?
0:18:48 > 0:18:53So what we're going to do to try and make it big is, I want you to stand a little bit to your left.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57You're bigger than I thought, you know.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03By the way, you can also make bubbles with your hands.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Just put me in a fucking bubble.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08APPLAUSE
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Here we go. On the count of three. One, two, three.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:19 > 0:19:21You've been wonderful.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23You'll always remember me, won't you?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Yeah. Every time I see a lollipop lady, I'll go like that.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27HE SCREAMS
0:19:28 > 0:19:32I'll go round! I'll go round.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35She's mental!
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- But I'll always remember you. - Can I go now?- Of course you can.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42We're going to give you a round of applause and then you can run back.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Ladies and gentlemen.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Ena the Warrior Princess!
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Mystery guest!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Sam Sam the Bubble Man!
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for our mystery guest.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Every series we do, we have to cut out a lot of stories from the show.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Here are a few of those unseen bits. Hope you enjoy.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20I'll tell you a secret. Two of my friends are here
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and I looked over to them and one of them was laid down there
0:20:23 > 0:20:25and the other was going like that.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Trying to concentrate and your mates are there going...
0:20:34 > 0:20:39Have a look at a novel way prisoners in America are getting high.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Three inmates in New Jersey tonight charged in a clever scheme.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47They are accused of using children's colouring books to smuggle drugs into the prison.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Basically, they rub drugs onto kids drawings.
0:20:50 > 0:20:57Much of these colourings on these sheets is actually a narcotic called suboxone. It's made into paste,
0:20:57 > 0:21:01thinned to look like paint, then smeared on drawings
0:21:01 > 0:21:05that are sent to inmates who can lick the substance to get high.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09I'd love to have seen that in The Shawshank Redemption.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13"I remember the first time I saw Andy. He was licking a drawing of Daffy Duck.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"I was off my tits sucking Scooby Doo."
0:21:20 > 0:21:23That sounded weirder than I meant it to.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24It's madness, isn't it?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Getting high while staring at kids' cartoons, that'd be terrifying.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29What if you were on a bad trip?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Hi, Russell!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36PONY LAUGHS
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Hello!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40PONY SCREAMS
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I told you not to leave Mock The Week.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47HE SCREAMS
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Have you seen the latest doll hitting the shelves?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57It's called the Breast Milk Baby,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00and the toy company's video demonstration on its website
0:22:00 > 0:22:02shows how it works.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Now, its website says the doll is designed
0:22:04 > 0:22:07to teach little girls how to breastfeed.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Breastfeeding baby?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16A doll that teaches you how to breastfeed?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Cos that's what you need to know when you're five.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Why not go the whole hog and just get a doll that hands out sex tips?
0:22:22 > 0:22:26The kid pulls a cord and it says, "When you're giving a blow job, play with his balls".
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Mum! Mum, Barbie's gone weird!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Mind you, there are worse children's toys.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36That's ET's finger.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I must have missed that bit of the film.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47"Elliot. Elliot, I'm not ready to go home yet".
0:22:48 > 0:22:51"Nobody's going to believe you in the morning".
0:22:52 > 0:22:55"The alien. Where's the alien? He's gone!"
0:23:01 > 0:23:04It's so hard reading in autocue cos my lazy eye's like,
0:23:04 > 0:23:05"I want to go over there".
0:23:05 > 0:23:08APPLAUSE
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Horrible, right?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16There you go.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- WOMAN:- Can you sign it?
0:23:24 > 0:23:25- Can I sign it?- Please.
0:23:25 > 0:23:32It's probably voodoo and you're like, "Ha ha ha. Ha-ha. Da-ha-ha."
0:23:32 > 0:23:33How weird is this?
0:23:33 > 0:23:37For the people at home, what's happened, during my show, a young lady
0:23:37 > 0:23:41has turned up and started knitting, right?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Already fairly weird. She's a young woman.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47"In case it's crap, I'll knit."
0:23:47 > 0:23:51She said she was going to knit this. Presumably it started out as Prince William.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55No, Kate Middleton.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59It was meant to be Kate Middleton, but instead...
0:23:59 > 0:24:01we have me.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06But I've fallen on such hard times, I can no longer afford shoes.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Over in Siberia, there's been a major discovery.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Two students found the creature. They even recorded a video.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23THEY SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Well, it looks like Elliot's dad kicked the shit out of ET.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36It was pretty amazing. Everyone thought they'd discovered an alien,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39then some scientists turned up and found this out.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46The students were taking the piss. Isn't that great?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48"Did you pass your degree?"
0:24:48 > 0:24:50"No, I made ET out of toast."
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Do you reckon this happens a lot in Russia?
0:24:53 > 0:24:57"Oh, look - Bigfoot. Oh, no, is Scotch egg."
0:24:57 > 0:24:59The bread alien isn't the only UFO story in the news.
0:24:59 > 0:25:05There's a bloke in America who wants to build a place for aliens to park their ships.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08And as you can imagine, oh, he's completely normal(!)
0:25:08 > 0:25:10He goes by UFO Phil and he's a...
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Scientist of sorts,
0:25:13 > 0:25:14alien translator...
0:25:14 > 0:25:17And a pretty amazing bullshitter.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Listen to why he reckons the aliens haven't visited.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26They're up there now and they would love to come down. They have no docking stations here.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30They're not coming, they've got no docking stations.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Like there's aliens going, "I would visit Earth, but the parking is a nightmare.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40"And don't get me started on the congestion charge!"
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Then again maybe I'm the fool. I mean, UFO Phil has actually met them.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- He will be the leader of the good aliens.- OK.- Zaxon with a Z.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Is he actually blue?- Oh, yes.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I would not take artistic liberties with Zaxon.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58"I would not take artistic liberties with Zaxon!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01"Can you imagine him calling me up?
0:26:01 > 0:26:05" 'Hey, Phil, you bitch, you made me look fat.'
0:26:05 > 0:26:08" 'OMG! I'm so sorry, Zaxon.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11" 'You're not fat, you're cuddly.' "
0:26:11 > 0:26:15So You're probably thinking the locals must think this guy is a nutter.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Guess again. Some of them want to work at the docking station.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Aim for the stars, mate.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"Wow, aliens we can learn more about their culture."
0:26:28 > 0:26:32"Yeah, and I can wash their fucking cars."
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Not everyone is in love like Wills and Kate. Some of you may need this.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Do you ever wish you could make an ex jealous on Facebook
0:26:39 > 0:26:41or fool your friends into thinking
0:26:41 > 0:26:44you're in a happy relationship? Well, now you can.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47A new service called Cloud Girlfriend helps guys who aren't ready to admit
0:26:47 > 0:26:49that they're single.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51It allows users to create the perfect girlfriend
0:26:51 > 0:26:55who will post on their wall and make all other social media moves
0:26:55 > 0:26:58so it seems like the guy really does have a girlfriend.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Basically, this is for depressed blokes who've been dumped.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04The trouble is, what if you get spotted out?
0:27:04 > 0:27:05"All right, Bob?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09"It says on Facebook you're having a romantic meal with your girlfriend.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13"So why are you outside crying in your pants?"
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Or even worse, what if you commit suicide and the programme carries on?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Your mate's going, "You know Bob died?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22"Yeah, well, his girlfriend is a sick bitch!
0:27:22 > 0:27:27"On his wall, capital letters, 'Just gave Bob the best blow job ever.'
0:27:28 > 0:27:32"What's wrong with her? He's been dead three weeks."
0:27:32 > 0:27:35to be honest, it'd be easy to tell which posts are fake
0:27:35 > 0:27:38because their girlfriend will be stupidly nice on his wall.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41"You're amazing. I love you so much."
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Real couples aren't like that,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45real couples are like this.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58This one's even better, right?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Thanks very much for watching Good News.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Until the next series, farewell.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:33 > 0:28:36E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk