0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:25 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Hello! Thank you.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Thanks very much.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Hello and welcome to the new series of Good News.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Now I couldn't start the show without showing you my favourite clip from the winter.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Have you been waiting a long time?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Too long?
0:00:44 > 0:00:48His excitement got the better of him when his uncle did arrive.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I cannot tell you how many times I've watched that!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58I'm feeling a bit down, little boy, trolley. Ah.
0:00:58 > 0:01:03Is it me or is this guy the most possessive boyfriend in the world, ever?
0:01:03 > 0:01:09It's a man that's not even talking... It needs to be stopped.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12I tell you what, teaching standards in this country have gone to shit!
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Two plus two is vagina. Vagina. Vagina.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Pretty sure it's four.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Anyone else spot that bloke on the news with rickets?
0:01:28 > 0:01:33So they're saying people shouldn't be overly concerned.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35And, finally, a word of advice:
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Don't blow your nose near a child.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39They really don't like it.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44< NOSE BLOWING
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Let's be honest, the news lately has been pretty heavy.
0:01:51 > 0:01:56First of all we had the tragedy in Japan... I'm not going to do any crass jokes.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01What I will say is whenever a catastrophe occurs you can rely on some people to behave like morons.
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Let's start with Sky News who thought this advert was appropriate.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Lesson 24. How to ride a wave.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Book now at ba.com/barbados.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28It's unbelievable, isn't it?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31What are they going to do next, a bloke's been savaged by a tiger.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Roll advert, Frosties!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37They're g-g-g-g-reat!
0:02:37 > 0:02:42Mind you, the Sky slip-up was nothing compared to this.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47Outrage on a UCLA campus, a student goes on the Internet with a racist rant directed
0:02:47 > 0:02:50at Asian students just hours after that massive earthquake his Japan.
0:02:50 > 0:02:56She was complaining about Asian students using their phones in the library. Did you hear what she said?
0:02:56 > 0:03:01I'll be like deep into my studying, into my political science theories
0:03:01 > 0:03:06and arguments, and all that stuff, typing away furiously blah, blah, blah.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11Then, all of a sudden, when I'm about to reach an epiphany...
0:03:11 > 0:03:17Over here from somewhere, "Aw! Aw! Ching chung..."
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Are you freaking kidding me? I swear they're going through
0:03:23 > 0:03:28their whole families, just checking on everybody from the tsunami thing.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33The tsunami thing?! The thing?!
0:03:33 > 0:03:37What's she studying, a degree in being a BLEEP!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Mind you, it's hardly surprising she made it onto the news,
0:03:42 > 0:03:47she's a middle American dream, a racist with massive tits!
0:03:47 > 0:03:51I bet Sarah Palin was livid. "She's stealing my act! "Right, puppies?"
0:03:51 > 0:03:55The other major story of the week was, of course, Libya.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Western forces have been attacking targets along the Libyan coast
0:03:59 > 0:04:02and from the sea and from the air.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Did you see how the papers covered the air strike?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07The Telegraph went with, "British forces attack Gaddafi."
0:04:07 > 0:04:13The Observer said, "Allied strikes sweep Libya" and what was the front page of The Sun?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Jordan!
0:04:15 > 0:04:19"There's a bit of me in those big fat gypsies."
0:04:19 > 0:04:22I think we all know which bit.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Have you seen what they've called the air strike?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Operation Odyssey Dawn.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Let's be honest, that sounds like a porno, doesn't it?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Operation Odyssey Dawn...
0:04:36 > 0:04:40They should have called it, Operation "We Don't Want
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Another Iraq But We Sold Libya The Weapons In The First Place
0:04:43 > 0:04:49So We've Kind Of Got To Do Something About It And Besides There's A Lot Of Oil There" - Dawn.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Do you know, Gaddafi's nickname is Mad Dog.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59Call me naive but selling weapons to a dictator called Mad Dog?!
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Probably going to come back to haunt you.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05That's like hiring a babysitter called Rapey Dave.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Gaddafi is clearly delusional.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Some were against you...
0:05:13 > 0:05:17No-one against us. Against me for what?
0:05:17 > 0:05:21They love me, all my people are with me. They love me all.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Really?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I hate Muammar Gaddafi.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Gaddafi here is the same as Hitler and Mussolini. Gaddafi Fascist.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36If he is not going to leave we are going to kill him.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Mind you, the signs of madness have always been there.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45This is a previous quote of his:
0:05:52 > 0:05:55The man has the right to be in charge of his country,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57even if looks like Sylvester Stallone's mum.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10So, back in Britain, the countdown to the Olympics has finally begun
0:06:10 > 0:06:12with the unveiling of the Olympic clock.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16If it wasn't real before, it is now.
0:06:16 > 0:06:22While we've been on air, the London Olympics unveiled their countdown clock for 2012.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Pretty exciting, 2012, here we come.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30Remember last night we showed you the start of the London Olympic countdown clock.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Well, today it stopped.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39It's so classically British, it broke after one day.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41I bet there were people going, "It's broke.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44"Have you tried turning it off and on again?
0:06:44 > 0:06:48"Take the batteries out and rub it on your jumper."
0:06:48 > 0:06:52"Try drinking some water... Oh, that's hiccups."
0:06:54 > 0:06:56We are so hopeless, aren't we?
0:06:56 > 0:07:01To be honest, it's little wonder the clock stopped when you consider this man's in charge.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Mind you, Boris has got other things on his mind.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Like, thisnews reader's ass.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Alice Bhandhukravi who's there...
0:07:13 > 0:07:16That's right and I'm glad to say I'm joined Mayor Boris Johnson...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I love the bit when he's caught.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21"Look at that... Oh, hello."
0:07:23 > 0:07:25He's been on spectacular form.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30Listen to what he believes builders rubbed on the Olympic velodrome.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Rhubarb.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33It is lovingly rubbed with rhubarb.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37The whole of the exterior is lovingly rubbed with rhubarb therefore,
0:07:37 > 0:07:43this fantastic velodrome creates jobs and employment for English rhubarb growers.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48We rubbed the roof with rhubarb!
0:07:48 > 0:07:53And that's not all, Britain, the bikes are made from aubergines and I am 80% broccoli!
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Have a look at this shocking report.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03A three-year-old has been treated
0:08:03 > 0:08:07for alcoholism by staff at an NHS hospital in the Midlands.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12In Birmingham there's a three-year-old alcoholic!
0:08:15 > 0:08:16It's unbelievable, isn't it?
0:08:16 > 0:08:21The youngest alcoholic in Britain and he's not from Scotland.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26What I want to know is how can they tell, all three year olds are like drunks.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31They can't walk, they're always crying, they talk random bollocks!
0:08:31 > 0:08:35"When I'm big, I'm going to be a tiger."
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Are you pissed? "No, I'm three."
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Imagine a toddler in rehab. "My name is Simon and I'm an alcoholic.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"But I'm also an aeroplane!"
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I've got this image of him spitting into a sandpit.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59I love the little toddler just rubbing his back.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"It's all right, Simon, we're going to get through this."
0:09:04 > 0:09:08"I just wanted to be like Charlie Sheen."
0:09:16 > 0:09:17"I'm winning."
0:09:19 > 0:09:22To be honest, no wonder kids are hitting the booze.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25If I had to watch this I'd be on 20 pints a day.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Makka Pakka, Akka Whakka, Mikka, Makka Roo!
0:09:28 > 0:09:33Makka Pakka, Akka Yakka, Ikka Akka, Oo! Hum dum Akka
0:09:33 > 0:09:40- Pang, Ying, Yang, Oo... Makka Pakka, Akka Whakka, Nikka Makka Woo!- Argh!
0:09:40 > 0:09:45Mum! Get the brandy!
0:09:45 > 0:09:48There's a condom talking weird!
0:09:50 > 0:09:56Mind you, if you think three-year-olds drink a lot here you should seem them on holiday.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11# We're England... #
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Now some cracking food stories knocking around.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29First up, take a look at a rather unusual new type of ice-cream.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33It's beautiful, it's organic, it's free-range, totally natural,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36it's good enough for my kids, it's good enough for our ice-cream.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Mmm, sounds lovely. I wonder what the special ingredient is?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43The crucial ingredient, human breast milk.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Breast milk ice-cream?
0:10:50 > 0:10:55I tell you, this brings a whole new meaning to the term, slush puppies.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Have you seen what it's called?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02It's called Baby Gaga and from tomorrow it'll be served
0:11:02 > 0:11:04by the scoop by this impersonator.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Baby Gaga breast milk! What next Justin Bieber jizz biscuits?!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10How does it work?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Does Gaga donate the milk herself?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Donated by a woman from Leeds...
0:11:17 > 0:11:19"Plenty more where that came from!
0:11:19 > 0:11:23"Ben & Jerry's has got nothing on my Yorkshire Puddings."
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Trouble is, what if it becomes really popular?
0:11:27 > 0:11:31This poor woman will be locked in a shed, hooked up to a machine.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"Stop it, you bastards!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36"I'm dry!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38"I'm dry."
0:11:40 > 0:11:44I hope it doesn't get too popular. It will really change Mr Whippy.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Can I have some of your lovely ice-cream?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50No problem, love.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Do you want a flake with that, love?
0:12:05 > 0:12:10From breast milk ice-cream to something even more incredible, whatever you're doing, stop.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13You're about to have your mind blown to smithereens.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16This is one of the most amazing news stories I've ever seen.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Take a look at this giant egg from a farm in south-eastern Iowa.
0:12:20 > 0:12:27The egg came from a chicken named Ossie and it measures more than three inches long and weighs four ounces.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Look how it compares with a normal egg.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Holy shit!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Are you getting this? Look at the size of that egg.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I wonder how big it is compared to a Coke can.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Amazing!
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Why did they compare it with a Coke can?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Do you reckon they measure everything in soft drinks?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51"How big's your baby? Six Fantas."
0:12:51 > 0:12:56"That's nothing. I've got a horse as tall as 89 Dr Peppers."
0:12:56 > 0:13:00You're probably thinking, and quite rightly, "How did this make the news?"
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I reckon is was because it was found by Cletus off The Simpsons.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12"I was trembling.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15"It was the biggest egg I'd ever seen.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18"I knew something was up because the chicken was all like..."
0:13:20 > 0:13:23"And then, when the egg arrived,
0:13:23 > 0:13:27"I looked at this big egg and I thought, "My god...
0:13:27 > 0:13:29"That is a big egg.
0:13:29 > 0:13:35"If only I had a special place for this big egg and then it came to me.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"I'll put it on my pants."
0:13:41 > 0:13:44So, did he keep this discovery to himself?
0:13:56 > 0:14:00I love him, he took his egg and showed it to complete strangers.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02"Mr Fireman, look at this egg."
0:14:02 > 0:14:04"Mr Mayor, we've got to celebrate.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06"We should call today, I don't know,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09"Big Egg Day or some shit."
0:14:09 > 0:14:13As for Ossie, he said she took a week off before laying her next egg.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16"She had to, her ass looked like a yawning hippo."
0:14:16 > 0:14:18LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Now there's been some absolutely bizarre crime stories in the news.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28First up, let's pop over to America.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33This guy, Terry Lester, from Waseca is charged with making bombs.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Lester is accused of building the bomb into a female sex toy
0:14:37 > 0:14:41and planning to detonate it when his ex-girlfriend was using the device.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42GASPS
0:14:44 > 0:14:49Well, that is what I call a bitter break-up.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Surely just block her on Facebook.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53He's clearly a psycho.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56To be honest, you'd be fairly suspicious if you were the girl.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00"I know we're not going out any more but here's a dildo.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"Don't use it now. Give it 20 minutes...
0:15:05 > 0:15:07"Enjoy yourself!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10"Evil witch!"
0:15:11 > 0:15:14In fairness, though, it'd be a lovely way to go.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Dying as you orgasm. Rrrr...
0:15:17 > 0:15:20"Oh, my God!"
0:15:20 > 0:15:23"Somebody say my name?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26"Hey, baby, want to meet Jesus?"
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Back on earth, that's the worst impression of God you'll ever see.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Back on earth, this next story is just wonderful.
0:15:33 > 0:15:3732-year-old Leon Ingram has now been jailed for three years
0:15:37 > 0:15:41for a number of burglary and shoplifting offences.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44He was jailed because he broke into someone's house and got beaten up.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I wonder who kicked his head in.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48CHEERING
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Good old lady!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53CHEERING
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Look at this headline.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13I love it. I love it when a pensioner beats up a thug,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16especially when they're as funny as this little lady.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20I gave him a crushing blow on the head. Like that.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Two or three times.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27He said, "Let me go. Let me go!"
0:16:27 > 0:16:32"Let me go! Let me GO!"
0:16:32 > 0:16:36No wonder he was scared, she turned into a gremlin.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38So, did she let him go?
0:16:38 > 0:16:43"Let me go. Let me go."
0:16:43 > 0:16:44But, no.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER
0:16:47 > 0:16:49"Fuck him!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52"I put a muzzle on him and took him down to my dungeon.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55"I beat him over and over.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58"You don't mess with Doris!
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"I played his skull like a drum."
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Staying with burglary there's an evil thief on the loose in California.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Neighbours in San Mateo, California are getting back their stolen goods.
0:17:11 > 0:17:16Hundreds of items pilfered over three years, all by one culprit.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19What monster has been stealing from his neighbours?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Dusty the cat.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Nicknamed Klepto, Dusty stalks the streets of San Mateo at night.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Towels, gloves, shoes, socks...
0:17:30 > 0:17:33..little toys, children's toys.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37A cat stealing clothes, he's like a feline Gok Wan.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42The weirdest thing, have you seen what his favourite items are?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45He especially likes bathing suits, drying outside.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48He stole Kelly McClellan's bikini bottom.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Why is he stealing bikinis?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Do you reckon Dusty's out back with his ladies.
0:17:56 > 0:18:01Nicking underwear, I tell you, he'd be a great alibi if you're having an affair.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06"Russell, why the hell is there a thong on the floor?" "Dusty!"
0:18:06 > 0:18:08"There's a woman in the cupboard."
0:18:08 > 0:18:10"Dusty!"
0:18:10 > 0:18:15"Why are you naked and tied to the bed?" "Dusty..."
0:18:15 > 0:18:17"You've got an erection."
0:18:20 > 0:18:22"Dusty?"
0:18:23 > 0:18:27The best thing about this story is they've been videoing him at night to catch him in the act.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30The TV network animal cameraman,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32recently installed a camera outside their house.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35They captured his nightly forays for a week.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40Poor cameraman, filming a cat steal a bra.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Mind you, it's a good job he's not stealing sex toys.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47MEOW!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Welcome to my first mystery guest of the series.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00The production team have found me someone who's been in the news recently
0:19:00 > 0:19:03and I have to find out more about them. So, please welcome my mystery guest.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06APPLAUSE
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Thank you.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Nice to meet you. Oh...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18LAUGHTER
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Sorry, can I move that?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Yeah, yeah, sure. It's, um...
0:19:32 > 0:19:37- You never saw Parkinson doing an interview like this.- No.- Wouldn't that have been better, though?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41You don't see enough interviews where the interviewer has a knife.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Lovely, great, so what are you flogging?
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Right, have I got a guest... So there's burgers, there's a dog...
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- It's all relevant.- It's all relevant? - Yeah.- OK.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- What's your name?- Vin. - Nice to meet you, I'm Russ.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Have you and your dog been surviving in the wild?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- No, this is not my dog. - It's not your dog? All right.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07A bike here, but only half a bike.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Have you been living rough or something?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14I've roughed it a bit, with the bike.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16What's this dog got to do with things?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18It was a bit of a bad experience in Libya.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21OK, right.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Got it, got it, right.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Have you cycled to Libya?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- Yes.- Is that it? Is that the news? - No, that's not it.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- That wasn't enough?- That was part of it.- Have you cycled round the world?
0:20:31 > 0:20:35- I have, yeah.- There you go! That was sort of quick. There you go.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40OK...is that the specific reason you're in the news?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Yes, I broke the Guinness World Record for cycling around the world.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- I did it in 163 days, 6 hours and 58 minutes.- Fantastic.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49That's worth another round of applause.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56So what happened with this dog, then, in Libya? What was this?
0:20:56 > 0:21:01I had a bit of a problem with dysentery, which is what this signifies, so I wasn't
0:21:01 > 0:21:05in a terribly good physical state, but I was going for a record, you've got to keep riding.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07And, um, I found that...
0:21:07 > 0:21:14- For a second, I thought you meant you were going for a record... No, no! Five days...aaah!- Dogs in Libya
0:21:14 > 0:21:17live in packs and they saw me coming and thought,
0:21:17 > 0:21:21- "There's some roadkill we can make happen!"- Oh, great(!)- So I was chased
0:21:21 > 0:21:25repeatedly through Libya by packs of wild rabid dogs.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Because you had a smelly arse?
0:21:26 > 0:21:33I think because I was weakened by the dysentery I was going slow enough for them to think they could catch,
0:21:33 > 0:21:38and they were nipping at my ankles a few times, and they were going to kill me and rip me apart.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41So, presumably, you went fairly quickly through Libya?
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- Yeah.- That would work, wouldn't it? - It was quite motivating.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46They should do that in the velodrome.
0:21:46 > 0:21:51Chris Hoy's fast enough as it is, but if we gave him a gippy tummy
0:21:51 > 0:21:55and had a Rottweiler behind him, he'd really shift, wouldn't he?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58So, have you got another thing planned?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02I've got a few little adventures planned, but obviously nothing's bigger than the world now.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- That's the problem, isn't it? - It is a bit of a problem.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07I'd like to take my wife on some adventures.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- Oh, you're married? Nice, excellent. - AUDIENCE:- Aw!- Look at that!
0:22:10 > 0:22:14How is that "aww"? "Darling, would you like to come with me?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16"There's every chance your arse will be in tatters,
0:22:16 > 0:22:20"a dog will chase you and people will wave swords." "I'll stay at home."
0:22:20 > 0:22:23No, no, she's very adventurous herself.
0:22:23 > 0:22:29The day before I went away around the world, she went away to climb Kilimanjaro with a load of children.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Wow. Did they want to go, or did she...?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Yeah, yeah.- Just a really extreme Pied Piper.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Does adventure run in your family?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- Yeah.- What does your dad do?- My Dad?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44He's retired now, but his hobby is president of a pothole club.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49- Of a bottle club?- Pothole.- A pothole club.- Yeah, caving.- Oh, yeah.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52That's how he met my mum, they were both into potholing.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Um, er...
0:22:54 > 0:22:56LAUGHTER
0:22:56 > 0:23:00It just sounds... That was an Alan Partridge moment, wasn't it?
0:23:00 > 0:23:01They were into potholing.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06- And mountaineering and other adventurous stuff like that. Yeah.- There you go.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09What an excellent way of ending a lovely random interview. Genuinely,
0:23:09 > 0:23:15it's nice to meet you, Vin. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16# It's not about the money money money
0:23:16 > 0:23:19# We don't need your money money money
0:23:19 > 0:23:22# We just wanna make the world dance... #
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Look at the latest drug craze sweeping America.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29Young people have reportedly been snorting or smoking
0:23:29 > 0:23:32common bath salts in an attempts to get high.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Kids are getting high on bath salts? Who's their dealer - this guy?
0:23:40 > 0:23:45How does it work? Are there kids just walking up and down, "Yo, man, got any Radox?"
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Just getting in the bath... "I feel so rejuvenated."
0:23:50 > 0:23:52I tell you what, I would not fancy tripping in the bath.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Stop it! Stop it!
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Look at you! You're in a bath
0:23:58 > 0:24:02talking to a duck. You used to be on Mock The Week!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Too freaky! Argh!
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Look at the size of my egg.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13HE SCREAMS
0:24:17 > 0:24:22Oh, man, have you seen the latest creepy fad hitting London?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25When you've had a difficult day at work and a stressful commute home,
0:24:25 > 0:24:30sometimes a simple hug can make everything, well, seem better again.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34So what do you do if you haven't got anyone to cuddle at home?
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Have a wank?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41This is the cuddle workshop,
0:24:41 > 0:24:45a new idea where complete strangers
0:24:45 > 0:24:49pay up to £24 each to cuddle each other.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Of course, it may not be for the reserved or shy,
0:24:53 > 0:24:57but for some there's no better way to spend an afternoon.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Get off me!
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Get off me! What kind of person would go to a cuddle club?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I like the fact that it's not... DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:25:08 > 0:25:1224 quid just to cuddle a stranger?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15In Soho, for 24 quid,
0:25:15 > 0:25:20they'll do stuff so mad you'll end up walking home like this.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24They're saying people shouldn't be overly concerned this evening...
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Do you want to meet the guy who runs the club?
0:25:26 > 0:25:31There are lots of people living in London who are not getting
0:25:31 > 0:25:34the quality of touch that they would really like.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37I'm always seeing blokes weeping in the street. "What is it, mate?"
0:25:37 > 0:25:41"I'm not getting the quality of touch I need."
0:25:41 > 0:25:45It's London. If you want to be rubbed all over by strangers, get on the Underground.
0:25:45 > 0:25:51The other day I was so crammed in, I'd been on the train 20 minutes before I realised I was in a woman.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Nightmare. "I'm terribly sorry, madam.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58"I've accidentally shagged you.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02"They warned me, they told me to mind the gap, and yet here I am."
0:26:03 > 0:26:06That's a joke! That is a joke.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09I don't take the Tube.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19And finally tonight a humbling story about Kirstie Mills.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24Her relentless optimism in the face of cystic fibrosis is beautiful and life-affirming.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31She may look like any young bride-to-be,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34planning her wedding in June without a care in the world,
0:26:34 > 0:26:40but this is the other painful side of life for fitness instructor Kirstie Mills.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43SHE COUGHS
0:26:43 > 0:26:49She describes her day-to-day life in a moving, sometimes funny, but tragic blog.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Kirstie's illness has got to the stage where everything is a struggle.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00She's been told she has a 50% chance of living another two years.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04But Kirstie remains positive.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Some people suggested putting my wedding off
0:27:07 > 0:27:11until after I have a transplant, but, for me, that's not an option.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14If I don't get a transplant, I won't get married.
0:27:14 > 0:27:21I've got to carry on living, I've got to try and live my life now in case that transplant doesn't happen.
0:27:21 > 0:27:26A card-carrying donor herself, the humbling thing about this young woman
0:27:26 > 0:27:31is the way she always looks for the positive from her inevitable early death.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36My heart won't actually go to anyone, but my valves would,
0:27:36 > 0:27:40my kidneys would most likely be able to go to someone, and so would many of my other organs.
0:27:41 > 0:27:48So, you know, even if I die and I don't get a transplant,
0:27:48 > 0:27:54something will have come out, someone will get saved, hopefully.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56There you go, what a wonderful human being.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you've really enjoyed the first show.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Thank you, and goodnight.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02APPLAUSE
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk