0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:14This programme contains adult humour
0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:31Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Thanks very much. Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37What have we learned this week?
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Is it me or has Jon Snow's interview technique become a bit harsh?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43You can only score in a brothel.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45LAUGHTER
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Could be worse. Look what David Cameron did to this guy.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Unfortunately Mr Cameron decided to start at the bottom and work up.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53LAUGHTER
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Did anyone else see the bloke in Parliament who got so bored
0:00:57 > 0:01:00he started a thumb war with himself?
0:01:00 > 0:01:04And the Government will discuss the elements of the programme,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07such as upcoming programmes for jobs initiatives.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11And finally, big news at the BBC. Bill and Sian
0:01:11 > 0:01:12have brought out a sex tape.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- Very murky.- Saucy it is as well.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19- Scenes from the very beginning.- Yes, very adult. Time now though for...
0:01:24 > 0:01:29The big media story this week was the News Of The World phone-hacking scandal.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32News International today admitted its paper The News Of The World
0:01:32 > 0:01:37was responsible for hacking the phones of a number of celebrities and public figures.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Did you see whose phones they were hacking?
0:01:40 > 0:01:44News International has offered to pay damages to those who are currently suing the paper.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48They include the actress Sienna Miller and football commentator Andy Gray.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Andy Gray! Apparently his phone was really tough to hack
0:01:52 > 0:01:54because Richard Keys kept smashing it.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56LAUGHTER
0:01:56 > 0:01:59The media have concentrated on Sienna Miller and Andy Gray.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02I'll be honest, the one that really caught my eye was this.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Christ! Imagine listening to this man's phone.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:16You wouldn't be able to tell what was real and what was drunken gibberish.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18"Me and the Queen are getting married!"
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Are you, Gazza?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22"I've invented a time machine that runs on Pringles!"
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Of course you have!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25"I'm going to give a murderer a sandwich!"
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Yeah, whatever, Gazza! I'm not an idiot!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31What I don't understand - surely if you're going to
0:02:31 > 0:02:33hack anyone's phone it would be this one.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35LAUGHTER
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Wouldn't that be great? Wouldn't you love to hear him ringing up Cameron?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41"Dave, just went to Buckingham Palace last night.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44"You were right. The back of the Queen's head doesn't taste like a stamp."
0:02:44 > 0:02:47LAUGHTER
0:02:48 > 0:02:51The scandal has upset a lot of people. To be honest I wasn't that fussed.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I've actually been tapping some celebrities myself.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56There's a better way of putting that!
0:02:56 > 0:02:57LAUGHTER
0:02:57 > 0:02:58No.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Hacking celebrities.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Check 'em out, though. It makes for a fascinating listen.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Victoria, it's David. Can you come home immediately?
0:03:07 > 0:03:08There's a strange man in the house.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Sorry. It's a mirror.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Forget I called.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19SOBS
0:03:19 > 0:03:21So unfair!
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Why does everyone hate me?!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28# Lonely
0:03:28 > 0:03:31# So lonely... #
0:03:31 > 0:03:36I tell you what - it's a right ball-ache keeping this act up!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I hate dancing!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I love football and minge!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I must admit, when I read about this phone-hacking, I did think,
0:03:48 > 0:03:49"I hope they don't get me."
0:03:49 > 0:03:51They'd have to read my brother's texts.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I got one the other day that said,
0:03:53 > 0:03:56"What does a man with a 10ft cock have for breakfast?
0:03:56 > 0:03:57"This morning, I had Coco Pops!"
0:03:59 > 0:04:01He's relentless!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Today, he sent me a picture message that said,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06"I've bought the wrong condoms. These are too small."
0:04:09 > 0:04:12In other news, David Cameron has been on holiday.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16When you're the leader of the country, you can expect a few perks
0:04:16 > 0:04:19here and there, but when David Cameron took his wife on a trip
0:04:19 > 0:04:22to Southern Spain, he decided to fly Ryanair.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25They flew Ryanair?!
0:04:25 > 0:04:26I'd love to have seen that.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30"Don't fall asleep, Samantha. The orange lady will take our stuff!"
0:04:32 > 0:04:33"She's an air hostess."
0:04:33 > 0:04:35"Ah!"
0:04:36 > 0:04:37If you worked at security,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39you'd definitely make him do a cavity search.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"What are you looking for?!"
0:04:41 > 0:04:42"Nick Clegg!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47"Now bend over."
0:04:47 > 0:04:49The great thing is, he won't be able to complain.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Budget airlines really don't give a shit.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56The customer services department, there's just blokes
0:04:56 > 0:04:58on a phone going, "Hello, customer services.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00"Go fuck yourself!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04"Hi, customer services. Go fuck yourself.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08"Hello, customer services. Ya. Ya. Right, yeah.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"Yeah.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12"Go fuck yourself!"
0:05:12 > 0:05:14APPLAUSE
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Sometimes I truly love the news in this country.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Have a look at the major crime wave that swept through Norwich.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Donkeys at a sanctuary in Norwich
0:05:28 > 0:05:30have had more reason than usual to be downhearted.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Their favourite toys were recently stolen.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Forget the recession! Someone's stolen a toy from a donkey!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43It gets even better. Check out what their favourite toys are.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52What kind of man would steal a space hopper from a donkey?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Why are the donkeys playing with space hoppers?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Surely they prefer Buckaroo.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02"Reminds me of grandad!
0:06:03 > 0:06:04"I miss him so much."
0:06:04 > 0:06:08The reason I love this story is the way they've reported it.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Listen to the music they play.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13They make it sound like the donkeys are heartbroken.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15MUSIC: "Moonlight Sonata" by Beethoven
0:06:15 > 0:06:18We're all sad. George is sad and Lucky Donkey is sad.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21They have other toys, Wellington boots.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Hula hoops. Flat footballs they like.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26All ponies and donkeys need something to play with.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28They get bored.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Aw!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33I'm surprised they didn't show footage of donkeys self-harming.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Just Eeyore in a bath dropping a toaster.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40"Life is poo!"
0:06:40 > 0:06:43To be honest, it's little wonder they're upset.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Check their owner's hat.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48LAUGHTER DROWNS HER VOICE
0:06:55 > 0:06:57"Why has she got our dead brother on her head?!"
0:06:59 > 0:07:01This story keeps on giving.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Suddenly, form nowhere, a journalist turns up with a space hopper.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Check out the donkeys' reaction.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Here you go, boys! Here you go!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13# Oh, happy day! #
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Come on, Lucky! Don't be afraid.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Try as we might, they weren't playing ball.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Cos they're donkeys!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29"Hey, Mr Donkey, play with a space hopper."
0:07:29 > 0:07:31"Sod off, you crazy cow!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33"I haven't even got thumbs!"
0:07:33 > 0:07:37I love how angry she gets when they won't play.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39They're not vaguely interested.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41That cost us £13.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45"£13! Ungrateful bastards.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48"Hello, is that the Norwich Kebab House?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"Yeah, I'm bringing in a delivery."
0:07:50 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Good laugh, madam!
0:07:54 > 0:07:55"Ha ha ha ha!"
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Sweet.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00You sound like a randy auntie. You're very welcome.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Sorry. Right...yeah. Sorry.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06The mad stories keep coming.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Next we're off to a hotel in Bedford
0:08:08 > 0:08:10having trouble with a naughty chair.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I don't know whether you're superstitious,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15but staff at a hotel in Bedfordshire certainly are.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19They're avoiding a particular chair because seven of their colleagues
0:08:19 > 0:08:22who all used it have fallen pregnant within 18 months.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25A chair that makes you pregnant.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I'm no expert - I think they're sitting on it wrong.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Look how scared this reporter gets around the chair.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37You don't think I'd really sit on it, do you? It's through there.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I love the fact that that chair is getting the blame.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I could understand it if the chair looked like this.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48But not only are they blaming the blue chair,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50the manager of the hotel has got big plans for it.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52What are you going to do with the chair
0:08:52 > 0:08:54now you think it's special?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57What we may do is mount it in the hotel
0:08:57 > 0:08:58so people can pay homage.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Mount the chair?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Surely that was the problem in the first place!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I'll tell you what, though.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08If that chair really is responsible,
0:09:08 > 0:09:10I'd hate to be in the maternity ward.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Aagggh!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18BABY CRIES
0:09:20 > 0:09:22How could you?!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26What the fuck is that?!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Now, you may remember last week we had the bug that looked like Elvis.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34CHEERING
0:09:34 > 0:09:36The week before, we had the Hitler house.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38LOUDER CHEERING
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Incredibly, the papers have come up with another.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42This week it's -
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Do you want to see it? You know you want to.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55It's brilliant, isn't it?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58We shouldn't be surprised. If you look hard enough,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00most trees look like someone. Some look like politicians.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Some look like film stars.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10And if you look hard enough, you can even find trees
0:10:10 > 0:10:12that look like Katie Price.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:21 > 0:10:26Over in America, check out the latest way to get closer to God.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28They love Jesus and they're not afraid to show it
0:10:28 > 0:10:30in a very interesting way.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33These church-going women are embracing the dance moves
0:10:33 > 0:10:35once reserved for strip clubs.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38It's called Pole Fitness For Jesus.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Pole Fitness For Jesus?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45No wonder he rose again!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- APPLAUSE - Thanks very much. Thanks very much.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57To be honest, lap dancing would make a lot more people go to church.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00"We are gathered here today to worship our Lord and saviour.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03"Before that, Crystal is going to dry-hump a pole."
0:11:03 > 0:11:07The work-out is set to Christian music, and class-goers say
0:11:07 > 0:11:10it brings them closer to God.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Brings them closer to God?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15It makes it sound like he's in heaven going, "Work that ass, baby.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18"That's why I made it that way."
0:11:18 > 0:11:22In fairness, they're not the first people touched by Our Lord.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- What's happening right now? - Right now...
0:11:24 > 0:11:27A hand - is it burning or is it just a hand?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Just feel it.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Do you think it's Jesus?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Yeah.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Boom ba!
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Finish it, Lord!
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
0:11:53 > 0:11:59"Oh! Thanks, Jesus. That's what I call a second coming!"
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Over in the Czech Republic there's been an exciting
0:12:09 > 0:12:11archaeological discovery.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Archaeologists in the Czech Republic claim they have discovered
0:12:14 > 0:12:17what might just be the world's first known gay caveman.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Or, as the Sun delicately put it...
0:12:26 > 0:12:32A gay caveman! What next, a lesbian dinosaur? "Behold, the lickasaurus!"
0:12:32 > 0:12:36"Oooooh! I love KD Lang."
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Wouldn't it be great if they discovered the gay caveman on Time Team?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44"Look, Tony, these guys were buried fighting."
0:12:44 > 0:12:45"That's no fight."
0:12:47 > 0:12:49The best thing about this story, he wasn't alone.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51He was actually buried with three of his mates.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55MUSIC: "YMCA" by The Village People
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Next, over to the wonderful country that is Australia.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Last week I showed you a bloke who took his parrot for a ride on his car.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08This week, check out what their finest scientists are working on.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13It's been challenging mankind since we were first blasted off.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Can humans drink beer in space?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20"I'm only going to the moon if I can get shitfaced."
0:13:21 > 0:13:24To be honest, I think drinking in space is madness.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29The last thing you want when you meet bizarre intergalactic creatures are beer goggles.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33"She's all right." "Dave, she looks like Shrek's bell-end!"
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Drinking in space would really have changed Star Wars.
0:13:38 > 0:13:43Imagine Hans Solo pissed. "Chewie, you look like a '70s minge."
0:13:46 > 0:13:48There's Luke Skywalker clutching a bottle of vodka,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51"I can't believe I tried to fuck my sister."
0:13:58 > 0:14:01The royal wedding draws ever closer.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Have you seen the latest wedding memorabilia?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Take a look at Crown Jewels. That's right.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Condoms are being sold in packs of three,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13and they have a picture of the royal couple on the front,
0:14:13 > 0:14:17and according to the manufacturer, they are "lavishly lubed,"
0:14:17 > 0:14:18and "regally ribbed."
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Lavishly lubed and regally ribbed,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25they make it sound like the Queen is blessing each one.
0:14:25 > 0:14:32"Arise, Sir Johnny! Do your duty for the empire!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35"Is Boris Johnson licking the back of my head?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Have you seen their catchphrase?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41The special celebration pack urges lovers to,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43"Lie back and think of England."
0:14:46 > 0:14:48"Lie back and think of England?" That'd be horrible!
0:14:48 > 0:14:53Having sex with a girl, and she's going, "Late trains! Wheelie bins!
0:14:54 > 0:14:58"Drizzly weather!"
0:14:58 > 0:15:02He's there going, "Why can't Lampard and Gerrard work together in the midfield?"
0:15:05 > 0:15:08They should get Philip to do the adverts. "Royal condom, extra strong.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12"Trust the crown when you're going brown-town."
0:15:22 > 0:15:25The big sports story of the week was of course the Grand National.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Did you watch the BBC coverage? It was so over-the-top.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31There isn't a person in the country
0:15:31 > 0:15:33that doesn't know today is Grand National day.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Ooh, I can think of one.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Mind you, it's a huge draw. All the celebs were there.
0:15:41 > 0:15:46- Hiya! I'm Coleen Rooney. That's Wayne up there.- Hurgh!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I felt a bit sorry for the reporters. They were interviewing the crowd.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55I'll read out some horse names, and you cheer if you're backing them, OK?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Trouble is, the crowd were pretty hammered.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Oscar Time.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00CHEERING
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Any support for Fergie's What A Friend?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05CHEERING
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Silver By Nature?
0:16:07 > 0:16:08CHEERING
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Big Fella Thanks, anyone?
0:16:10 > 0:16:11CHEERING
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Are you going to cheer anything I say?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15CHEERING
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Talking of drinking, some ladies actually thought they were jockeys.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24WOLF WHISTLE
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Whistling?!
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Not everyone was pissed, some were betting, and getting quite scientific.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I like when they bounce around on their toes, you know.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I like a horse that doesn't keep its head down,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I like it when it looks up a bit.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40"I like the jumpy one!"
0:16:42 > 0:16:46As ever, the winner was a small Irish bloke you couldn't understand.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Delight for jockey Jason Maguire,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51who could scarcely believe his achievement.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- GARBLED:- We said we'd try and be in the first ten...
0:16:53 > 0:16:55LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:16:55 > 0:16:57..but he'd half run away by the first mile.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Yeah. Why is it all jockeys are Irish?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Being a career officer in Ireland must be a piece of piss.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09"Tall? Comedian. Small? Jockey.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12"Really small? Leprechaun."
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Sorry, Dara!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20One thing I love about the National is the way the commentators talk.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Santa's Son running a big race.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27Oscar Time's just in behind, followed by The Midnight Club, then Surface To Air...
0:17:27 > 0:17:33Do you know what I'd love to do? Buy a horse and call him I'm Having A Nervous Breakdown.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36In fact, I'd buy all the horses in the race, give them all weird names,
0:17:36 > 0:17:40and make it sound like the commentator was going mad. Wouldn't that be great?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42"They're coming up to the final furlong,
0:17:42 > 0:17:46I'm Having A Nervous Breakdown ahead of My Wife Left Me Over Pictures On My Laptop,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49not to mention There's A Burst Pipe In My Sex Dungeon.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Small Fry Considering Last Summer I Bummed A Squirrel towards the rear.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Where's That Rash Come From followed by Strangle Wank,
0:17:57 > 0:18:01and I should be in therapy cos the race hasn't even started!
0:18:08 > 0:18:12If you think the Grand National was the only equine story of the week, guess again.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Prepare to meet a group from California called Pony Play,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18who pretend to be horses.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Any time you're pretending to be a pony it's pony play.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Pony play? It looks more like gimpy taxi.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36You get in this headspace, it's thinking that I'm a pony.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41I no longer have responsibilities of being human, I'm just a pony pulling my cart.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Imagine going out with her. "I'm a pony."
0:18:47 > 0:18:50"You're telling me, love, you've just done a shit on the road."
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Frighteningly, she isn't the only member of Pony Club.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Check out this wheezy loser.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02So beautiful.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05This is obviously as close as I will ever get to riding a horse.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12What, why's that, cos you live in a city, can't afford one?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15No, I can't see myself riding an actual horse.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- He's vegan.- I'm vegan.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23"I'm vegan. I can't ride a horse cos I'm vegan.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I've never had my photo taken cos I can't even say cheese."
0:19:33 > 0:19:36This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40There's a mystery guest who's been in the news, and I have to figure out who.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42So please welcome my mystery guest!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- Hello.- How are you? All right? - I'm good, thanks.- Good. Thanks very much.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- What's your name?- David Jones.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04- David James, OK.- Jones.- Jones, OK.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09So obviously you're in this cell, and there's some people looking at you,
0:20:09 > 0:20:13there's some crime books, and a dinosaur book.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17OK. Have another look at some of the other books, to give you a clue.
0:20:17 > 0:20:24- OK. So we've got Mark Thomas, OK, crime books. Anything to do with biscuits?- No.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Go to your right.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- Reptiles. - You are on the right track.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Randomly you have crime books?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Just for reading material. - Living snakes of the world. Reptiles.
0:20:34 > 0:20:41I love that, you read books about snakes, and when you are bored, books about torture.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42It's a strange world.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47- Do you have lots of snakes? - I don't have lots of snakes, no.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- You are fond of snakes? - I am very fond of snakes.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52LAUGHTER
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Don't!- That's fine.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Where am I? What do you think I am in?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- You are in a bed-sit.- Yeah.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03And children are staring at you.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- Let's just say people in general. - People are staring at you.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13OK, were you living in a reptile bit of a zoo?
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- A reptile centre? - You are very close. - You are going to have to tell me.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I will tell you, the reason I was in it's news is that I broke the world record
0:21:20 > 0:21:25for living the longest period of time with venomous snakes.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27That's worth a round of applause.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- How long is that record? - The record is 121 days.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Wow! Wow!
0:21:39 > 0:21:43On your own for 121 days, you must have had a brief chat with them, I can't believe you wouldn't?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Me and the snakes used to chat all the time.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49By the end of it we were friends.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Of course. As you are. What's your favourite snake?
0:21:51 > 0:21:56I had a little snouted cobra in the room.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Everything sounds suggestive.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04We called him half-cocked.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05LAUGHTER
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I must show you a little bit more of my room.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Is there a snake here?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Because I have already told you that I was living in a room with 40 venomous snakes.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19So what I thought I would do is bring you an example
0:22:19 > 0:22:23of the actual snakes I was living with.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28What I'm going to do is just open this up here and give you a couple of examples in there.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33OK. Yeah. If you would like to just move your head or pull that out of the way as well.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37We have a few snakes in there.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Yeah. OK.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Mind your feet.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Oh, oh!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51God, that looks like Voldemort. I ain't going there.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58No, no, you are that bloke in Star Wars!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04In Jabba's Palace. "You wanna wonga".
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Now, I ain't going near you, mate.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12- Russell, do me a favour, can you just lift up your seat?- Yes.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- Thank you. Lift it up. - The whole thing?- The whole thing.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- From the bottom?- Not there!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20LAUGHTER
0:23:25 > 0:23:26From there, yeah?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Gently lift the seat up.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I thought it might be under there.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41The snakes that we have here, the Python and these guys here
0:23:41 > 0:23:45are non-venomous snakes, the guy you have been sitting on, he is venomous.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49It's so weird, man.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- Hold it.- I am not going to hold it, it's terrifying.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- Will somebody have a go for me?- Yes!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Right, you pretend to be me.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04What was that, what the fuck was that!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08What's all that? I never do that.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12It looks very heavy. It's pretty heavy.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16There you go.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20APPLAUSE
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Now, pretty sexy.
0:24:28 > 0:24:34- Well done. What's your name? - Jo.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Have you ever... look, ah!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Well, done, braver than me.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Ladies and gentlemen, Jo!
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- Take him away from me. - Come on, Russell.- I would love to do it, I haven't got the bravery.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- Can I shake your hand and see you later?- You will have to come closer.- I will.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Did you hear about the porn company planning a trip to a sleepy town in Kent?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19There's outrage in Deal after an American company making adult movies
0:25:19 > 0:25:25said it plans to bring a roadshow to the town to encourage local women to strip off and take part.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29It's called Girls Gone Wild and they want to film local women in their underwear.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32They want to take photos of women in Deal.
0:25:32 > 0:25:37If they want to find British women willing to bear all, they should have just gone to the National.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42They will not find that in Deal.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47I have been there, it's full of pensioners. The high street is like a scene from Cocoon.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Just Horlicks and Werthers.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Can you imagine the pictures?
0:25:53 > 0:25:57That's it, ladies, spread them.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Really spread them.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Is it hard?
0:26:07 > 0:26:08It looks hard.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Yes, it is a bit tricky.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15That's it. Four fingers.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Stick them right in.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Now put them in your mouth.
0:26:22 > 0:26:28I do like a Kit Kat, but between you and me I'd rather suck cock.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Do you know the weird thing, that wasn't even in the script.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50This week's final story is excellent.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52It's about Aaron 'Wheelz' Fotheringham, who despite
0:26:52 > 0:26:56being born with spina bifida lives his life to the max.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Check this out, it's absolutely brilliant.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00MUSIC: "Hello World" by Amely
0:27:23 > 0:27:29I have spina bifida, it's something to do with your spine.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32It's a birth defect and I have never really researched what
0:27:32 > 0:27:36it is or what it does, just because I just don't really focus on that.
0:27:36 > 0:27:42My first real trick was a 180 off a boxed jump and that took me forever
0:27:42 > 0:27:46just to get that rotation, you know, throwing your head and stuff.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50After I did that, that was cool, but I got bored, I was like
0:27:50 > 0:27:53that's cool, but that's boring, I need something else.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Then a bunch of bikers and stuff were like, you know what would be cool if
0:27:56 > 0:28:01you could backflip on a wheelchair, I was like that would be sick,
0:28:01 > 0:28:04I never thought about that.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10It feels like a dream.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14Right now I think I am just like, you know, I think I just got a
0:28:14 > 0:28:18concussion and this is going on in my head, I am scared to wake up.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21I don't want to wake up and be lying in the skate park.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Things have happened that I never thought would happen.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43Quality, isn't it. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for watching Good News.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Have an excellent night. Ta-ra.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:56 > 0:28:58E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk