0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:21 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Thank you very much.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Hello!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33So what have we learnt this week?
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Well, this woman revealed the dullest hobby ever.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I used to keep a list in my bag of towns beginning with Y
0:00:38 > 0:00:40because there weren't many!
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Anyway...
0:00:41 > 0:00:45LAUGHTER
0:00:45 > 0:00:46If you're going on telly,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49make sure you know what you're going to say.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Constitutional change could go through without any basic...
0:00:53 > 0:00:58erm...voting...erm...
0:00:58 > 0:00:59basing on the...
0:00:59 > 0:01:00I'm sorry...
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Did anyone else hear that bloke get his cock out mid-interview?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09We're not royalists.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11ZIP!
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Simple.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20What an incredible week of news. First up, you couldn't have missed this...
0:01:20 > 0:01:23The Duke and Duchess show their love to each other and the world.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Married in Westminster Abbey, with friends,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30family and dignitaries from across the globe.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31It was a wonderful day.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Two people in love, the sun was shining, we got a day off.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38As ever, the British public were very reserved.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Oh, look at William looking at her. Look.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45It's magical. It is absolutely magical!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I wouldn't be anywhere else.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48It's beautiful!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I am speechless.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52CHEERING
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Aaaah!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Kate, William!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I love that. One minute she's speechless, next minute,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03"Aaaahhhhhhhh!"
0:02:03 > 0:02:07They weren't the only ones. The crowd was full of brilliant nutters.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12I made this costume all myself.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15With UHU glue.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17LAUGHTER
0:02:17 > 0:02:18It wasn't just the public,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21even the police got into the party spirit.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26CROWD CHEERS
0:02:26 > 0:02:29CROWD CHEERS
0:02:29 > 0:02:31CROWD CHEERS
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Mind you, it wasn't hard to get them going.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38The crowd cheered anything from the weather to a road sweeper.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41There's a 10% chance of a shower during the service itself...
0:02:41 > 0:02:43CHEERING
0:02:43 > 0:02:45CHEERING
0:02:46 > 0:02:49CHEERING
0:02:49 > 0:02:52"Waaaaay!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55"It's like a car AND a Hoover."
0:02:56 > 0:02:58For many people...
0:02:58 > 0:03:01A few of you - "It is, actually, it's very good."
0:03:01 > 0:03:04For many people, the iconic image of the wedding was this...
0:03:04 > 0:03:07'Lots of shouts from the crowd here.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10'And that's the reward.'
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Come on, the iconic wedding image was this little girl.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21"I can't believe I put glue on my hands."
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Did you watch the service?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27When the priest asked if anyone objected to the wedding,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29did anyone else go, "Yeah!
0:03:29 > 0:03:33"He's really punching above his weight!"
0:03:33 > 0:03:37I love how many times they kept saying, "Kate arrived a commoner and left a princess."
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Commoner? She's hardly Vicky Pollard.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44"Sorry I'm late, Wills, I was shoplifting down Primark."
0:03:44 > 0:03:46LAUGHTER
0:03:46 > 0:03:48The best bit was when William said,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51"I take Kate to be my wife for richer and poorer."
0:03:51 > 0:03:56You could hear the entire nation going, "Poorer? Bollocks!"
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Just before the ceremony, Harry took Wills off for a private word.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I bet you money he said, "Listen, Wills, I know it's your big day
0:04:04 > 0:04:09"but I'm definitely going to have a pop at Kate's sister."
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Who could blame him? She is extraordinary.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15MUSIC: "Foxy Lady" by Jimi Hendrix.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18# Foxy
0:04:18 > 0:04:21# You got to be all mine
0:04:21 > 0:04:22# All mine
0:04:22 > 0:04:25# Foxy lady. #
0:04:25 > 0:04:31I think I speak for the nation when I say she is a BMILF -
0:04:31 > 0:04:33a bridesmaid I'd love...
0:04:33 > 0:04:35to Facebook.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Talking of Facebook, within minutes, this page was created -
0:04:40 > 0:04:45the Pippa Middleton Arse Appreciation Society.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48I wonder who set that up?
0:04:48 > 0:04:52APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Back to the wedding.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Did anyone else notice
0:04:57 > 0:04:59the Queen didn't join in with the National Anthem?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I reckon it's cos she's so bored of it.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04She's probably there going, "Oh!
0:05:04 > 0:05:08"If I had a pound for every time they played that song...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"Oh, I do!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13"Nice one!"
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I'll bet she makes up lyrics in her head.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- TO TUNE OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: - # I'm missing Bargain Hunt
0:05:20 > 0:05:25# What shall I have for lunch
0:05:25 > 0:05:27# Maybe some chips
0:05:27 > 0:05:29# Doo-doo-doo
0:05:29 > 0:05:33# Who would I rather be?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36# SpongeBob or Mr T?
0:05:36 > 0:05:41# I want a butler space monkey
0:05:41 > 0:05:47# Cos I'm the Queen. #
0:05:47 > 0:05:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I know for a fact the Queen's really into her music.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Listen to what she was playing on the way to the service.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03MUSIC: "Ridin'" by Chamillionaire
0:06:08 > 0:06:12I couldn't take my eyes off the Queen. Did you see what she wore?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I was looking, going, "Where have I seen that before?"
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Then it hit me!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:26"Smoking!"
0:06:26 > 0:06:29The big fashion story was definitely Kate's dress.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32What will the bride be wearing and who has designed it?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35All they want to know is what dress will she wear?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39It really will be one of the biggest fashion moments of all time.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43My brother lost 50 quid after he bet on Kate wearing this.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:50The oddest fashion choice had to go to Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Surely, if you've had to get a new nose because your old one
0:06:53 > 0:06:57was destroyed by drugs, don't wear a hat that points to it!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00LAUGHTER
0:07:00 > 0:07:03It's like getting herpes and wearing this.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Mind you, the hat was nothing compared to her sister.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12She has the poshest name ever.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15"That is her sister, Santa Sebag Montefiore.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17MOUTHS: What?!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Santa Sebag Montefiore.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Santa Sebag Montefiore?!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Sounds like something this guy shouts when he cums!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Everywhere you looked, people were wearing medals.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41David Beckham was there, looking great, wearing his OBE.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44His medal there that he's got. But apparently, we're being informed,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46he is wearing it on the wrong side.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Imagine someone telling him, "Dave, it's on the wrong side."
0:07:51 > 0:07:53"Oh, right!"
0:07:53 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER
0:07:56 > 0:08:00"Victoria, look, it's that bloke from The Mask!"
0:08:08 > 0:08:09"Smoking!"
0:08:09 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:16The wedding was the biggest television event of all time. Did you see how many people watched it?
0:08:16 > 0:08:20It's thought up to two billion people around the world
0:08:20 > 0:08:22watched them today exchange their vows.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Most of you probably watched it on the Beeb,
0:08:24 > 0:08:25which is a shame,
0:08:25 > 0:08:29cos you missed out on the in-depth knowledge of Euronews.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34Listen to how they describe the fly-past over Buckingham Palace.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36All I can tell you is that that's a big plane.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39It's got two little planes either side of it.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:47That is genius! It's great, isn't it?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Mind you, that was nothing compared to the moment
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Chris Hollins was accidentally racist.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- Have we had a super day today? - Had a great day, thank you!
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- Fantastic!- Are you going home?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:07 > 0:09:11So that's it for the Royal Wedding. Congratulations to Kate and Will.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14People were saying it's the best wedding ever. Oh, come on!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16It was good. It'll never beat this.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18The rings, please.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Oh, my God!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40The other major international news was this.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45Fox News is just reporting that Bin Laden, Osama Bin Laden, is dead.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Did you see how the papers covered it?
0:09:47 > 0:09:48The Times went with,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50"Justice is done."
0:09:50 > 0:09:51The Express had,
0:09:51 > 0:09:53"Coward to the end."
0:09:53 > 0:09:55And what did The Sun go with?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57"Bin Bagged."
0:09:59 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Bin Bagged!
0:10:06 > 0:10:10The American reaction to Bin Laden's death was fairly muted.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13You kill innocent American people, you'll pay the price.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16ALL: USA! USA! USA!
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Osama Bin Laden is dead.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Happy days!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22LAUGHTER
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Did you see how they got rid of Bin Laden's body?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28We can now confirm that about an hour and a half ago, John,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Osama Bin Laden was buried at sea.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I love that description. "Buried."
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I think the verb they're searching for is "flung"!
0:10:35 > 0:10:39"We found you, now you find Nemo!"
0:10:39 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER
0:10:42 > 0:10:46The bizarrest thing about this story, do you know
0:10:46 > 0:10:49the anagram you can make out of Osama Bin Laden?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Look at this. Osama Bin Laden...
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Lob Da Man In Sea!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Bin Laden's death sent the American networks into overload.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Now, here's a tip. If you're reporting on one of the biggest stories of the year,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09make sure you know who killed who.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12President Obama is in fact dead...
0:11:12 > 0:11:14LAUGHTER
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Well, he isn't, is he? The timing of this couldn't have been better for Obama.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23All week, he'd been dealing with this.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26President Obama has released a full copy of his birth certificate
0:11:26 > 0:11:30to counter claims that he wasn't born in America.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Right-wing extremists believed that Obama shouldn't be President
0:11:34 > 0:11:36because he wasn't born in America.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I love the fact that a load of rednecks believe the Bible,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41but they don't believe Obama's American!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- AMERICAN ACCENT:- "I believe Jesus turned water into wine.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46"I believe a virgin gave birth to God's child.
0:11:46 > 0:11:52"But a black man born in America, that just don't make no sense."
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Wouldn't it be great if Obama went, "My birth certificate? Yeah, yeah.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00"It's here, it's just in my... TROUSERS!"
0:12:00 > 0:12:04It's pretty unfair. Nobody asked to see George Bush's birth certificate.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07In fairness, his mum was pretty busy.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16"I'll... I'll call back later, Mrs Bush, you look busy.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19"I'll... I'll call back later."
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Obama may have killed Bin Laden and revealed his birth certificate,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24but for an old friend of the show,
0:12:24 > 0:12:26it still wasn't enough. Remember this guy?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Mr Long-legged mac daddy...
0:12:28 > 0:12:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:30 > 0:12:34It's the preacher who hates Obama. He was back in the news.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Have a listen to where he reckons
0:12:36 > 0:12:39the President got his birth certificate.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42That fake birth certificate that Obama put,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44he bought it from down there in Mexico,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46and put it on his website. He bought it from Mexico.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Now, all the Mexicans are saying, "Yay. Amen..."
0:12:49 > 0:12:52And whatever else it is they say...in Mexico.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57My favourite part of the whole birth certificate business
0:12:57 > 0:13:00was the joke the President told
0:13:00 > 0:13:02at the White House Correspondents' dinner.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Check this out. It's brilliant.
0:13:04 > 0:13:11Tonight, for the first time, I am releasing my official birth video.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20That is a good gag!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22"Hakuna ma fuckin' tata!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24"I'm Barack Obama."
0:13:29 > 0:13:34So what else has been happening? Have you seen the latest international crime fighter?
0:13:34 > 0:13:39He's dressed head to toe in black. He's a self-styled ninja warrior.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42He says he wants to bring hope to ordinary citizens.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Pretty impressive.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Where does this all-powerful ninja operate? New York? Tokyo?
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Tunbridge Wells?! What crime does he deal with there?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01"Somebody help! A lady has served red wine with fish!"
0:14:01 > 0:14:04It is so tragic, isn't it?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08"I am the Tunbridge Wells ninja!"
0:14:08 > 0:14:13"Dad! Why are you wearing pyjamas?"
0:14:13 > 0:14:18"Who is Dad? I am ninja."
0:14:18 > 0:14:21"Dad, your cock's hanging out."
0:14:21 > 0:14:26What has he been up to? Sword fighting, throwing a death star?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29He helped rescue his friend's cat from a tree.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35He rescued a cat and now he's a ninja. Look what else he does.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38He carried on doing other good deeds like helping old ladies cross the road.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41What a ninja!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Helping old ladies across the road.
0:14:44 > 0:14:50"Only go when the light is green. Never fear, old lady, I am a ninja!"
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"Oh, right, you look like a twat in pyjamas!"
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"And your cock's hanging out."
0:14:59 > 0:15:01He's hardly helping.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03How scary would it be if you're an old lady,
0:15:03 > 0:15:07and a bloke dressed in black goes, "I'm taking you to the other side."
0:15:07 > 0:15:11"Oh, shit! Is it my time to die?"
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"I never thought Death would have his cock out!"
0:15:17 > 0:15:22I am sure he's very good, but you hear "Tunbridge ninja", you don't picture this...
0:15:24 > 0:15:26You picture this...
0:15:35 > 0:15:37This next story is brilliant.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Over in Australia, a member of the navy has made the news
0:15:40 > 0:15:43after getting hammered whilst working in America.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46This amateur video of a drunk Australian submariner
0:15:46 > 0:15:49being restrained by US guards is the latest
0:15:49 > 0:15:53in a string of embarrassing scandals for the Australian Defence Force.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57He was wasted. They had to handcuff him to a stretcher.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59The reason I love this story
0:15:59 > 0:16:03is because of the action the Australian Navy took.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06The intoxicated sailor has since been promoted...
0:16:06 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Just unbelievable.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19A farmer in Devon has come up with an unusual way to protect his flock.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22How do you prevent your sheep from being stolen?
0:16:22 > 0:16:28According to one farmer on Dartmoor, you do this - you dye them orange.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34Orange things don't get stolen? Well, this guy is safe from kidnap!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Orange sheep would freak you out.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Imagine cutting through that field on the way home from the pub.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47"Dave, the pumpkins are following me!"
0:16:51 > 0:16:53"Dave?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55"Is that a bloke in his pyjamas?"
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"Dave, I think his cock's hanging out!"
0:17:03 > 0:17:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:09 > 0:17:11On the plus side,
0:17:11 > 0:17:15if all farmers start dyeing sheep orange, it will catch out perverts.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16DOOR OPENS
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Hello, love. Good day tending the sheep?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21It was all right. It was quite quiet, really.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- What have you done?- What?!
0:17:30 > 0:17:35Unbelievably, that isn't the strangest animal story of the week.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Nobody saw this affair coming.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41They say love comes in all shapes and sizes.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43An eight-year-old swan named Swanny
0:17:43 > 0:17:46has developed a strange infatuation with a blue tractor.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Apparently a swan is in love with a tractor.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54I bet the other swans think he's a right pervert.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59They're in the lake kissing, he's in his room with a load of tissues watching Top Gear.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01"Pop her bonnet!"
0:18:01 > 0:18:06Probably the worst impression of a swan you'll ever see.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10The love between a swan and a tractor can only end one way.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14MUSIC: "Je t'aime"
0:18:29 > 0:18:32This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34This is a mystery guest who has been in the news
0:18:34 > 0:18:36and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Please welcome my mystery guest!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41APPLAUSE
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Hello. Nice to meet you.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Nice to meet you.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF-WHISTLES - Look at that.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Was that the first time you've been on telly?- No.
0:18:57 > 0:19:02- You got a wolf whistle! Can I look underneath your curtains?- No!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04OK.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Not the first lady who's refused that.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14- Something to do with bric-a-brac? Collecting things?- No.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Um... Er...
0:19:16 > 0:19:21- Do you work with children?- I do. - You work with children.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23And what's...
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- The medals are something to do with it.- Something to do with medals.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Have you competed?- Yes.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Against children?- No.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- My day job is working with children. - Your day job is working with kids.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- But by night...- Something different.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Are you an athlete?- Yes.- Excellent.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49- What do you do? - I'm 15 times British Champion...
0:19:49 > 0:19:50- Yeah.- ..in...
0:19:52 > 0:19:57- Have you guessed yet?- Arm wrestling! - Yeah.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- Come on, then. - Have you ever arm wrestled before?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14I just know I'm going to get beaten up yet again.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17The imagination of my production team!
0:20:17 > 0:20:22- I'll show you a few techniques. - Just punch me in the face.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Just get it out the way. It's all people want to see. Just deck me.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- I'll show you a few techniques.- Yeah. - We stand up.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39You hold your peg. There we go. The first technique...
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- You smell lovely!- Thank you.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Ah! Yes!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I'll give you that one.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02A top roll. A little technique for you.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06With this part of your hand, you need to open my fingers, so I'm like this.
0:21:06 > 0:21:12- OK.- Then you drag me down to the back. Nice and easy. Like this.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Want to practise?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Right. Use your body weight a bit more.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21So drag your body...
0:21:25 > 0:21:30That's better. All right. Next one is called a hook.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- The strongest person normally wins this one.- It'll be you!
0:21:34 > 0:21:39You hook both wrists in and drag back.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41LAUGHTER
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- I'm really trying. Ready?- Yeah.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- SHE SNIGGERS - Yeah, yeah, yeah!
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- Can you improvise? - I've shown you a few things...
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Commence with the beating. OK.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Choose one in your head.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05- Ready? Three, two, one.- Ow.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09- No, you're letting me win. Don't let me win!- I'm not.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I feel like a child!
0:22:12 > 0:22:16"You can eat from the adult menu." Let me eat my own food.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21AUDIENCE: Come on, Russ!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Oh, come on!
0:22:29 > 0:22:32APPLAUSE
0:22:35 > 0:22:38All right. For the last one, I do...
0:22:38 > 0:22:42I'll show you how we do it in a professional competition.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Wow, I can already feel it! Damn!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- You give me a go. - I'll give you a go!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Go!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Let's have a chat. That's easier.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- Have you got a boyfriend?- Yes.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Now, I don't want to get base...
0:23:12 > 0:23:17But...there are certain things that a man and lady can do.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- That women can do better. - He must be terrified when you do it!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Yeah? Literally...
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- I'm talking of course about pancake flipping!- Of course!
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Which is a different thing to call it. How did you start this?
0:23:43 > 0:23:47- Can you beat your dad?- My dad was the British Heavyweight Champion.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49He built me a table when I was little.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52When I was seven,
0:23:52 > 0:23:56I entered a sub-junior competition and beat about six boys.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01- Wow! How old were they?- They were between six and nine.- Excellent.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Then when I was 11, I entered the British Championships and won it.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08- From then on, won it.- Fantastic. It is lovely to meet you. Thank you.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Thank you.- Please, give it up for my mystery guest.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Have you seen the latest way some teenagers are tackling exams?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24It's a pill called a smart drug.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Apparently, it makes you more intelligent.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Some swear they're the secret to maximising memory power,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33to aid exams, to boost concentration
0:24:33 > 0:24:36and to help stay alert for hours at a time.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38These are smart drugs
0:24:38 > 0:24:42and a recent survey said one in ten students were taking them.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Kids are taking smart drugs? Who is their dealer? This guy?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49If I was still at school,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52just before an exam, I would offer my mate some smart pills
0:24:52 > 0:24:55and instead I'd give them Viagra.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Wouldn't that be fantastic? They're trying to do algebra with a massive rod on!
0:24:59 > 0:25:03The teacher's walking around, "My God, these kids really love maths!"
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I'm not going to use these smart pills. Why?
0:25:08 > 0:25:15Because I'd leave them lying around and my dog would eat them and that would freak me out!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17"Greetings, Russell." "All right?"
0:25:17 > 0:25:21"I'm fine, thank you. Did you know all polar bears are left-handed
0:25:21 > 0:25:24"and there are no cats in the Bible?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27"In other news, I've done a shit in your shoes."
0:25:28 > 0:25:33As ever, the papers are shrieking, "This is terrible!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35"All children are taking them!"
0:25:35 > 0:25:41Calm down! Not all teenagers are taking smart pills as these exam answers prove.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44"Briefly explain what hard water is."
0:25:47 > 0:25:50"Explain the shape of the graph."
0:25:50 > 0:25:52"It's curvy."
0:25:52 > 0:25:54My personal favourite...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Time for my final story. This is beautiful.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14It's an inspirational story about a father and his son
0:26:14 > 0:26:17who compete in marathons and triathlons across America.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19This is where they go to prove their mettle.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Endurance racers from around New England,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26ready to take on an Olympic distance triathlon.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31Those who finish will swim a mile, bike 24 and run six more.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I want to welcome everyone.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36But one man has a tougher challenge than the rest.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40It's not because he's one of the oldest guys here.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45It's because Dick Hoyt will pull, pedal and push his son Rick
0:26:45 > 0:26:49who was born without the ability to move or speak.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Dick and Rick have completed over 240 triathlons
0:26:54 > 0:26:59and, on their lazier Sunday afternoons, over 68 marathons,
0:26:59 > 0:27:03the fastest in a time just half an hour off the world record.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07I don't have the desire to be out there running by myself.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10It is something that comes from his body to my body.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12It makes us go faster.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Are you trying to say that you run faster pushing Rick
0:27:15 > 0:27:18than if you didn't run with him?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Oh, yeah. He inspires me and he motivates me.
0:27:21 > 0:27:26He is the athlete and he is very competitive. He wants to win.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30'I have shown to disabled people
0:27:30 > 0:27:35'that they don't have to sit back and watch the world go by.'
0:27:35 > 0:27:37There you go.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41APPLAUSE
0:27:41 > 0:27:44I can think of no better way of ending the show than that.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Thank you so much for watching Good News. Until next time, farewell.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media
0:27:55 > 0:27:59E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk