0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Thank you very much indeed.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Hello... hello...hello
0:00:31 > 0:00:34and welcome to my Christmas edition of Good News Best Bits.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36We've covered a lot of stories.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Here are some of my favourite ones. Enjoy!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Probably the biggest story of the summer -
0:00:41 > 0:00:43sexual icon Eamonn Holmes
0:00:43 > 0:00:46can make women orgasm just by saying their name.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Good morning, Isobel.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Ohh!
0:00:50 > 0:00:51LAUGHTER
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Over in Russia, this newsreader was caught in the act.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05If you're planning to interrupt someone on the news,
0:01:05 > 0:01:06this is how you do it.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11HE MIAOWS
0:01:12 > 0:01:14HE BARKS
0:01:14 > 0:01:16LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:19HE OINKS
0:01:19 > 0:01:21A human who makes an animal noise?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25If only there was an animal who makes human noises?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Perhaps a cat who could say "no".
0:01:27 > 0:01:31No, no, no, no, no!
0:01:31 > 0:01:35And finally, it may just be me, but I think this bloke's in love.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37I don't think so, actually...
0:01:37 > 0:01:41# Never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
0:01:41 > 0:01:44# Never seen you shine so bright... #
0:01:44 > 0:01:48APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:54So the big news for me was this.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- LAUGHTER - I broke my hand!
0:01:57 > 0:01:58In case you didn't see what happened,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01last week, basically I broke it doing press-ups
0:02:01 > 0:02:03on a breakable stool.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06CHEERING
0:02:08 > 0:02:11LAUGHTER
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- I love that. - APPLAUSE
0:02:14 > 0:02:20- Not "aw". - CHEERING
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I thought you were going to go "aw" and you all applauded.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Weird lot. "Oh, look, he can barely move his hand!"
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I was in agony!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Still, you can rely on your mates in a crisis.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Here's some texts I received minutes after the news broke.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Here's one from my mate, Steve.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55And my personal favourite
0:02:55 > 0:02:57came from my filthy toad of a brother.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- LAUGHTER - Cheers, bruv!
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Next up, it's all been kicking off at a farm in Basildon.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Police and bailiffs are now in almost total control of Dale Farm
0:03:14 > 0:03:17after storming the illegal travellers' site at dawn.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20There were violent clashes as bricks and missiles were thrown
0:03:20 > 0:03:23and the police responded with tasers.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Did anyone see the protesters on the scaffold?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29'It pretty much means that
0:03:29 > 0:03:31'the police have taken control
0:03:31 > 0:03:33'of the lion's share of Dale Farm.'
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I was watching it, thinking,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38"Where have I seen that before?"
0:03:40 > 0:03:42VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS
0:03:42 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Over in Europe,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51the big news was all about money.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53'Greece's political crisis continues.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- 'Stock markets tumble. - Investors and markets panic.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58'The stakes could not be higher.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01'Prime Minister Papandreou agrees to step down.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03'Buried under eurozone debt,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06'Italy's Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, says he will resign.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09'Austerity might bring the eurozone to its knees.'
0:04:09 > 0:04:12The leaders of the G20 met to solve the financial crisis.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14They were all totally focussed.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Well, not all of them.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24He fell asleep!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Italy has debts of 1.6 trillion!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30And he went beddy-byes!
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Bizarrely, he's not worried about the economy or sex scandals.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38This is honestly his major concern.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46He is bringing out an album of love songs!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49His country is crumbling and he's going,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52# They call me Mr Boombastic...#
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Mind you, for all me criticising him,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I can't wait for that album to come out.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59ITALIAN-STYLE MANDOLIN MUSIC
0:04:59 > 0:05:05'It's here! Now That's What I Call Bunga Bunga 69...
0:05:05 > 0:05:08'Berlusconi's big thumbs-up to his favourite vanga beats,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11'featuring classic love songs like...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17'and the haunting ballad...
0:05:22 > 0:05:25'Bunga Bunga 69!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28'It's Viagra for your ears!'
0:05:28 > 0:05:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:31 > 0:05:33You've really got to buy that. Everyone, buy that.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Now over to Egypt
0:05:39 > 0:05:42and an insane story about a bloke who resembles a dead man.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45'An Egyptian man shares an unfortunate doppelganger,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48'executed Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein.'
0:05:48 > 0:05:50They're not lying. Check this out.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54So you're probably thinking, "Now Saddam's dead,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56"I doubt his life is that bad."
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Unbelievable, isn't it?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Nobody sees that coming!
0:06:15 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER
0:06:16 > 0:06:19"Who does that bloke look like?" "Know what we could make him do."
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Yeah! Saddam Hussein porn.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Can you imagine the trailer?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- '70s STYLE DISCO MUSIC - 'We thought he had weapons of mass destruction,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31'turns out he had a weapon
0:06:31 > 0:06:32'of ass destruction.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35'Saddam Hussein is...
0:06:35 > 0:06:38'The Dick-tator.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39'Coming soon!'
0:06:39 > 0:06:43APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Take a look at this sex shop in Russia.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49'Casanova 69
0:06:49 > 0:06:54'is offering kids and adults the chance to win an unspecified gift
0:06:54 > 0:06:56'if they can answer one simple question -
0:06:56 > 0:06:59'where do babies come from?'
0:06:59 > 0:07:02That's right. A Russian sex shop is offering children
0:07:02 > 0:07:04an "unspecified gift",
0:07:04 > 0:07:07if they can tell them where babies come from.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10It makes obvious sense, doesn't it? Remember when you were little,
0:07:10 > 0:07:14how much you wanted something from a sex shop?
0:07:14 > 0:07:15I remember Christmas.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17"Dear Santa,
0:07:17 > 0:07:22"please can I have some crayons, a bike
0:07:22 > 0:07:25"and a vibrating butt plug?"
0:07:25 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:31I never got that bike!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:34APPLAUSE
0:07:38 > 0:07:40I'm worried by this news.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42If sex shops are trying to appeal to kids,
0:07:42 > 0:07:47how long before we start seeing children's TV shows like this?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Hi, kids!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52I'm Mr Dildo!
0:07:53 > 0:07:58'Where's Mr Dildo hiding today?
0:07:58 > 0:07:59'Is he in Mummy?'
0:08:01 > 0:08:03'Is he in Daddy?'
0:08:06 > 0:08:09'Where, oh where, could Mr Dildo be?'
0:08:09 > 0:08:10CROCKERY RATTLES
0:08:10 > 0:08:12LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:14'Mr Dildo...
0:08:14 > 0:08:16'you are naughty!'
0:08:18 > 0:08:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:08:26 > 0:08:28A new book has been published this week about X-rays,
0:08:28 > 0:08:33showing the many varied things that people have inserted into their arseholes.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35'The X-rays are all in a new book called
0:08:35 > 0:08:39'Stuck Up! 100 Objects Inserted And Ingested
0:08:39 > 0:08:41'In Places They Shouldn't Be.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44'Everything from a computer mouse to a cassette tape,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46'this string of Christmas lights,
0:08:46 > 0:08:50'and this is Barbie, but it isn't her Dream House she's in.'
0:08:50 > 0:08:53She was NOT happy!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56SCREAMING
0:08:56 > 0:08:59The worst thing, this book...
0:08:59 > 0:09:01LAUGHTER
0:09:04 > 0:09:07..this book was written by doctors.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10'It's co-authored by this emergency room physician
0:09:10 > 0:09:11'and two other doctors.'
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Bastards!
0:09:12 > 0:09:16"Hey, Doc, you're not going to tell the world about me
0:09:16 > 0:09:19"putting a doll up my arse, are you...?" "Oh, NO...!"
0:09:19 > 0:09:21"I'd never do that."
0:09:21 > 0:09:26"Have a look at that, Dave, it's like a yawning hippo."
0:09:26 > 0:09:30So, what's the number one excuse people come up with in this situation?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32"I accidentally fell on an object" -
0:09:32 > 0:09:35that's probably the most common accidental story you'll hear.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39'And who hasn't sat on their glasses, really, really hard,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41'while nude(?)'
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Exactly. So, what was the doctors' favourite?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48'The doctors' favourite found objects are action figures -
0:09:48 > 0:09:51'poor Buzz Lightyear.'
0:09:51 > 0:09:52GROANING
0:09:52 > 0:09:55"To infinity and... What the fuck is that?!"
0:09:55 > 0:09:57LAUGHTER
0:09:58 > 0:10:00"Aaaaaaaaagh!"
0:10:05 > 0:10:07"All right, Barbie?"
0:10:07 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:11That was their favourite - THIS was my favourite.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15'A more recent X-ray displays an iPod Nano.'
0:10:15 > 0:10:18That's what happens if you play this out loud on the tube.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22# Baby, baby, baby, ohhh... #
0:10:22 > 0:10:24"Come here, you little sod!"
0:10:26 > 0:10:29We'd all do it. We'd all do it.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32In a worrying discovery for women...
0:10:44 > 0:10:49So basically, girls, you can do whatever you want to look pretty...
0:10:49 > 0:10:53but at 10:03 in the morning, it will all fade.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56To be honest, I've noticed that myself.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00RINGING PHONES, TAPPING KEYBOARDS
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Hey, how you doin'?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18How YOU doin'?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27HE GASPS
0:11:40 > 0:11:42What's happening?!
0:11:42 > 0:11:47I've been angry in my time, but I've never made a noise like this.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48They should be saying,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51"It's your show next month, can we put up a couple of signs for you?"
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I mean... WEEDY LAUGH
0:11:55 > 0:11:57HE MIMICS HIM
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Is it me or do some people really fear the North of England?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05A woman from Otley has been telling how passengers screamed in terror
0:12:05 > 0:12:09as their plane tried to land at Leeds-Bradford Airport.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10LAUGHTER
0:12:10 > 0:12:14"No-o-o-o-o-o! Not Leeds!"
0:12:14 > 0:12:18If you report from a windy pier, you get what you deserve.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21But if there's a big wave, I am going to step out just slightly...
0:12:26 > 0:12:30And finally, Denise Roberts has got a terrifying stare.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Leave us to get on with it...
0:12:34 > 0:12:38When you see it a second time, it gets even scarier.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Leave us to get on with it.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43MUSIC: "Carmina Burana" by Carl Orff
0:12:50 > 0:12:53An old lady has been the victim of a strange robbery.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Yes, the moral is do not mess with 70-year-old Barbara Gamston
0:12:57 > 0:12:59and keep your hands off her meerkats.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Back where they belong, in the arms of Barbara.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04This trio of meerkats mean a lot to her.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09Someone has stolen an old lady's plastic meerkats.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Look at the blow-the-budget Hollywood-style way
0:13:12 > 0:13:14they show this terrible crime.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16'And unbeknownst to Barbara,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19'spirited away to a house a couple of miles away.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21'But a tip-off from a friend led her to them.'
0:13:21 > 0:13:25They sellotaped it to a camera.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28If you think the way they showed it was good, check out what
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Barbara said when she found out someone had nicked
0:13:30 > 0:13:33her beloved meerkats.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36"When my daughter Samantha came she said, 'Mother, your meerkats have gone.'
0:13:36 > 0:13:40"So, I politely said, 'Blow me.' "
0:13:40 > 0:13:42LAUGHTER
0:13:49 > 0:13:52"Well, we CAN do that, Mum, but...
0:13:52 > 0:13:55"we should probably just get the meerkats."
0:13:55 > 0:13:57It's such an amazing reaction to a crisis.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- "The meerkats are gone, blow me." - LAUGHTER
0:13:59 > 0:14:02So where were the meerkats?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Well, it turns out they were spotted in a garden three miles away.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Check out what this wonderful woman did to get them back.
0:14:14 > 0:14:19An SAS raid?! "Margaret, cover me. Linda, fetch the zip wire."
0:14:19 > 0:14:23"If I die, tell Titchmarsh I loved him."
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Despite her plan, there was a tragic incident.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31'Sadly, not all of them made it. The trio was once a quartet.
0:14:31 > 0:14:36'One meerkat was chewed to pieces by an unfriendly dog during the escapade.'
0:14:36 > 0:14:39No-o-o-o-o-o-o!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41"They've got Roger."
0:14:42 > 0:14:45"I loved you SO much, Roger."
0:14:45 > 0:14:47"I loved you too.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"But I fear death has come for me."
0:14:51 > 0:14:54"You can't die, Roger, you can't die.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59"Don't tell the others, but I think you were my favourite."
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"Barbara...have you learnt nothing?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07"You must never compare the meerkat."
0:15:07 > 0:15:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:13 > 0:15:14"Never com..."
0:15:17 > 0:15:20To be honest, we shouldn't feel sorry for Roger.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23I found some extra footage from the news,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26and before the dog got him, he had quite the adventure.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Not tonight, pal.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Aaargh!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37PULSATING DANCE MUSIC
0:15:51 > 0:15:54LAUGHTER
0:15:54 > 0:15:57DJ ASSAULT: # Ass...titties, ass 'n' titties
0:15:57 > 0:16:01# Ass, ass, titties, titties, ass 'n' titties. #
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Rest in peace, Roger.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Now for a part of the show called the People's Podium.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12There's some people who couldn't get in the audience.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15If they impress me with their questions, they can join us.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18If they don't, I'm going to feed them to the lions.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22So, let's meet our first speaker on the People's Podium!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Hello...
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- What's your name, my friend? - Fionnula.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32Fionnula! That's a cracking name. And what's your question?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Erm, I am setting up shop with a friend, making cakes and things.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Cakes, yeah? - How inappropriate would it be
0:16:38 > 0:16:42if we called ourselves "Two Girls, One Cupcake"?
0:16:42 > 0:16:43LAUGHTER
0:16:46 > 0:16:50It sounds like a winner, doesn't it?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53But I fear you wouldn't get just people looking for cakes.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58I like the question, though. "Two Girls, One Cup"... One CupCAKE.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Yeah, yeah...? Join the audience.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Who's next?!
0:17:06 > 0:17:12- Hello!- That was a pretty smooth start.- Has to be done.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- You look like a darts player. - A darts player?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Not a very good darts player.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Dibble and dabble now and again. - See, I like you already.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Can you turn sideways so it's like you're shouting the question out of a van?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24"Oi, Howard...!"
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- LAUGHTER - Go on, do it.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30LAUGHTER
0:17:32 > 0:17:34"Oi, oi!"
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Hello...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41What's your question, my friend?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44With reports that the Olympics are set to go well over budget,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46what events would you get rid of, and why?
0:17:46 > 0:17:50I would, erm...I'd get rid of the opening ceremony for a kickoff.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53The rest of it, I'm quite looking forward to.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56So, with regret, I'm going to have to feed you to the lions.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Sorry. But you're a good guy. I hope they treat you well.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- Cheers, mate.- Sorry. I'm sorry. - AUDIENCE: Awww...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06That's pretty awkward, isn't it, pretty...?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09SNARLING Aaaaaaargh!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14"Burberry..."
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- Hiya, man. How you doing? - Hello!- Oh, I like you.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22What's your name? I like THAT...
0:18:22 > 0:18:26You're like a really, really happy Wallace and Gromit.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28LAUGHTER
0:18:28 > 0:18:30What's your question, friend?
0:18:30 > 0:18:34Secretly, which celebrity's phone would you like to hack?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Which celebrity's phone would I like to hack? Boris Johnson.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Is the one-word answer. Nobody wouldn't enjoy that...
0:18:41 > 0:18:43HE MIMICS BORIS
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Oh, I'm going to pour myself a whisky and really enjoy this.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- How about you, who would you hack? - You.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54Me?! Do you know what happened? When the News Of The World scandal came out, my brother,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57genuinely, was leaving messages on my phone,
0:18:57 > 0:19:00hoping the papers would get hold of it.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02And saying some pretty appalling things like,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05"Was that you I seen outside Baby Gap? Yeah?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07"Banging your cock against the window?"
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- LAUGHTER - Delete, delete!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I wasn't doing it. No, I wasn't.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- Would have been good for the laughs. - How?!
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"It's the chuckling paedo." That's a bit of work.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23LAUGHTER
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Again, I enjoy you. Come through, you're nice.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31That's the end of the People's Podium. Please give it up for all my guests!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33CHEERING
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Now, do you remember the lady from a couple of weeks ago who had her meerkats stolen?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43If you don't, here she is.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46So, I politely said, "Blow me."
0:19:46 > 0:19:50She's written me a letter. When I first got it I was terrified.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54I said, "Oh, God, she's going to be really upset." Oh, no!
0:19:54 > 0:19:58"Dear Russell..." This woman is 80, right? "Dear Russell,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00"I pissed myself laughing at you
0:20:00 > 0:20:03"taking the piss out of me and my meerkats."
0:20:03 > 0:20:05LAUGHTER
0:20:05 > 0:20:09"I am as blunt as you can be, and less of the old woman, I'm only 80.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14"I've got 29 grandchildren, 42 great-grandchildren.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18"One more thing, could you pay me back for being on TV,
0:20:18 > 0:20:23"and buy me a meerkat to replace the one the dog got?"
0:20:23 > 0:20:25LAUGHTER
0:20:25 > 0:20:27"And I will blow you any time."
0:20:27 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER
0:20:39 > 0:20:40So what did I do?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43I got her a meerkat.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46LAUGHTER
0:20:46 > 0:20:50So I guess what I'M saying, Barbara... No-one else, just you and me...
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- I've kept my side of the deal. - LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:07Now as an end-of-series treat, the production team have found me somebody special to interview,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10and I have to find out who it is. Last year it was Jet...
0:21:10 > 0:21:13So please welcome my Mystery Guest!
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- Hello, Santa.- Hello, Russell.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33You've got a much better chair than me.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Look how shit my chair is!
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- It suits you.- Thanks.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Wouldn't it be wonderful if Santa was that witty?
0:21:42 > 0:21:46"You're a dick, you're not getting anything. You're probably adopted. Next!"
0:21:46 > 0:21:50OK. Are you someone from my childhood?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- I think so, yeah.- OK.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Yeah, from what I've heard.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Holy shit, I know who you are. Fuck, you're John Barnes, aren't you?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- I've just changed my voice once and you've got me.- Yes!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07You're supposed to be asking me questions.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11You're supposed to be asking me questions to find out who I was.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12But I knew.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- The voice gave it, didn't it? - Yes.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- I got too comfortable. - You gave it away. It was beautiful.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22- I tried to be like Frank Bruno at first.- It was beautiful. - I just got too comfortable with you.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24It's a genuine pleasure to meet you.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- They showed me pictures of you in your Liverpool kit as a young boy.- Yes.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30That's me, yeah.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I'm too old to be wearing the full kit there, aren't I?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45That's the '96 kit, so I'm 16-years-old, in the garden,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47playing football on my own.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I'm slightly star-struck.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55A lot of people might not know because you've got a very young audience.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58My children are here with me, by the way. My big ones.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02They're 26, 22, 18, 15, 5, 4 and 1.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05The big ones are here. They took time off work especially.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09One's a doctor and he said, "I'm not going into work today."
0:23:09 > 0:23:14So there may be some dead people up north!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17And it's our fault. That makes me feel really bad.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19A lot of people might not know me.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23I'll just show you something of what I've done in the past.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27It better be that goal in 1984. Let's do this.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Wonderful, that's worth a round of applause!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Are you a Liverpool fan?
0:23:55 > 0:23:59I am. I still live in the area. I've been there for ten years, so that's my team.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01What was the highlight of your career?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- Winning my first league championship with Liverpool. - What year was that?
0:24:04 > 0:24:061988. 1987-88.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- How many league championships? - I won three league championships.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Pretty cool!
0:24:15 > 0:24:20Not only was John an incredible footballer, but we didn't even mention the rap.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23You can hit them and hurt them, defend and attack...
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- Funny you should say that. - Have we got that as well?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29This is the other reason why John Barnes is incredible.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34# You've got to hold and give but do it at the right time
0:24:34 > 0:24:38# You can be slow or fast but you must get to the line
0:24:38 > 0:24:41# They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack
0:24:41 > 0:24:46# There's only one way to beat them, get round the back... #
0:24:51 > 0:24:55- A little birdie told me you know the words.- I know the words. Let's do it!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59I'll do the first verse, if you do the second verse. OK, here we go. Let's go.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Bit of rhythm. Here we go. Ready?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06# You've got to hold and give but do it at the right time
0:25:06 > 0:25:11# You can be slow or fast but you must get to the line
0:25:11 > 0:25:15# They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack
0:25:15 > 0:25:18# There's only one way to beat them get round the back
0:25:18 > 0:25:22# So catch me if you can cos I'm the England man
0:25:22 > 0:25:26# And what you're looking at is the master plan
0:25:26 > 0:25:30# We ain't no hooligans, this ain't a football song
0:25:30 > 0:25:34# Three lions on my chest I know we can't go wrong
0:25:34 > 0:25:37# We're singing for England Eng-er-lund!
0:25:37 > 0:25:40# We hope this year will be the one... #
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- And I bought you a present. - Thanks very much.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57You can open it now.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Thank you so much for coming on my show.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02It's a pleasure. The kids love it.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06I remember when I was ten, I remember watching you play.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Mate, how good is this?
0:26:09 > 0:26:14I got this out of the loft.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16It is from 1996.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18It is Sky Sports Mr Nice Guy Award.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23It doesn't look much like me, but there you go. Merry Christmas!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Honestly, thank you so much.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Thank you very much indeed.
0:26:34 > 0:26:39Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the wonderful John Barnes!
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Thanks everyone for watching Good News.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44Until the next series, have a wonderful Christmas. Farewell.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd