0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains strong language
0:00:21 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Thank you very much. Thank you!
0:00:26 > 0:00:31Thank you, thank you very much!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Thank you! Hello.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Probably the biggest story of the summer,
0:00:38 > 0:00:43sexual icon Eamonn Holmes can make women orgasm by saying their name.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Is where she is today. Good morning, Isabel.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Oh!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49LAUGHTER
0:00:49 > 0:00:52If you are planning to interrupt the someone on the news,
0:00:52 > 0:00:53this is how you do it.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Meow!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Woof! Woof! Meow!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Oink! Oink! Oink! Oink!
0:01:06 > 0:01:09A human who makes an animal noise?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12If only there was an animal who makes human noises?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Perhaps a cat who could say, "no"?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17No. No. No. No. No.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Finally, if you report from a windy pier, you get what you deserve.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25But if there's a big wave, I am going to step out just slightly...
0:01:25 > 0:01:26OH!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28APPLAUSE
0:01:31 > 0:01:35So, the big news this week was all about Colonel Gaddafi.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37The end of a dictator.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39It's been a landmark day for the people of Libya...
0:01:39 > 0:01:43..as it was announced that the dictator who terrorised the Libyan people...
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- ..for over four decades...- ..was found hiding in a drainage pipe...
0:01:46 > 0:01:49..and shot dead in his home city of Sirte in Libya.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Now, it may be me,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54but the Libyan people didn't really seem that bothered.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57CHANTING
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Freedom Libya! Everybody happy now!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03SHOUTING
0:02:03 > 0:02:05LAUGHTER
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Even the cars were dancing!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14It was insane - one bloke turned up with the FA Cup!
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Everyone was happy -
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I say everyone, I bet pigeons in Libya were terrified!
0:02:21 > 0:02:26GUNFIRE
0:02:29 > 0:02:31"Stop shooting us!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34"We hated him too!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36"Jesus Christ!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38"I mean, Allah, I'm Libyan!"
0:02:38 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Did you see what the rebels found on Gaddafi?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46'The prize find is proudly shown off here
0:02:46 > 0:02:49'as fighters parade through the streets with it -
0:02:49 > 0:02:52'the former leader's golden gun.'
0:02:52 > 0:02:55The man with the golden gun, more like the man with the melty face!
0:02:55 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Apparently the final words were, "Don't shoot."
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I think he missed a trick. He done so many terrible things,
0:03:03 > 0:03:07he could have used the moment to finally do something good.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Wouldn't it have been great if his last words were,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11"I am just a puppet...
0:03:11 > 0:03:12LAUGHTER
0:03:12 > 0:03:14"..your real master is...
0:03:14 > 0:03:15"Justin Bieber!"
0:03:15 > 0:03:17LAUGHTER
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"He dies TONIGHT!"
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- It would have been a lovely moment. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:25 > 0:03:27One of the main talking points about the whole story
0:03:27 > 0:03:29was how Gaddafi died.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Some say he was executed, some say he was killed in cross-fire.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Others claimed he committed suicide after learning this tragic news.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41The Irish boyband, Westlife, is to break up.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43NO!
0:03:44 > 0:03:48# Everybody's looking for that something! #
0:03:48 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:52 > 0:03:54"Goodbye, cruel world!"
0:03:54 > 0:03:56David Cameron and Barack Obama
0:03:56 > 0:03:59both issued statements addressing Gaddafi's death.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03I think today is a day to remember all of Colonel Gaddafi's victims.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06This marks the end of a long and painful chapter
0:04:06 > 0:04:08for the people of Libya.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13Italian Bunga Bunga Lord, Silvio Berlusconi, not as fussed.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16He was too busy texting Hillary Clinton a photo of his penis!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Wow!
0:04:20 > 0:04:26"Hey! Plenty more where that came from!"
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Back in Britain, it was all kicking off the a farm in Basildon.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Police and bailiffs are now in almost in total control of Dale Farm
0:04:33 > 0:04:36after storming the illegal site at dawn.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39There were clashes as bricks and other missiles were thrown
0:04:39 > 0:04:42and the police responded with Tasers.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44And what headline did The Sun go with?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Thanks, Sun!
0:04:48 > 0:04:52So, what kind of sophisticated tactics did the protesters use?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Something to get the public on their side? Not really.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- "Oi, Dave, I done a wee on a policeman! - LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"I'm like Gandhi."
0:05:05 > 0:05:09One lady turned up with a crucifix. Who brings a crucifix to a protest?!
0:05:09 > 0:05:13They're police, they're not vampires!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15She is a long-time activist, do you know what her name is?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18She's called Minty Challis.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER
0:05:19 > 0:05:22It is sounding like something Boris Johnson calls a vagina!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Did anyone see the protesters on the scaffold?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29'But it pretty much means that
0:05:29 > 0:05:34'the police have taken control of the lion's share of Dale Farm...'
0:05:34 > 0:05:39I was watching it thinking, "Where have I seen that before?"
0:05:46 > 0:05:49APPLAUSE
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Over in Europe, it's bad news for noisy pets.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59The town of Kherson in Ukraine
0:05:59 > 0:06:02has banned animals from making noise at night.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Pet owners now have to stop their furry friends
0:06:05 > 0:06:09from making noise between ten at night and eight in the morning.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14This is great news for burglars.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Some dog...
0:06:15 > 0:06:17"Mm, mm!" What is it, boy?
0:06:17 > 0:06:18MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIVELY
0:06:18 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:22I don't know what you're on about!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25MUMBLES: "There's a fucking burglar, you..."
0:06:25 > 0:06:26- LAUGHTER - What? Are...
0:06:26 > 0:06:29MUMBLES: "That's what I'm fucking saying!"
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Bloke in the morning, "We've been burgled!",
0:06:31 > 0:06:33"I try to fucking tell you!
0:06:33 > 0:06:37"Not only that, they've done a shit on the floor!"
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- LAUGHTER - Wasn't me, it's the burglars!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44It isn't just dogs they're clamping down on.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47'The new law doesn't just apply to cats and dogs.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49'Goats bleating, cows mooing
0:06:49 > 0:06:52'and pigs oinking will get the owners into trouble.'
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Who the fuck has a pet cow?!
0:06:54 > 0:06:55LAUGHTER
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Are there people watching the X Factor next to a bullock?!
0:06:59 > 0:07:03"I agree, Daisy, Frankie does look like he's got crabs!"
0:07:03 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Why stop pets making a noise?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15If you are going to silence any animal at night it should be foxes.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Have you ever heard them make love?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19SCREAMS
0:07:21 > 0:07:22It's terrifying!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Pets aren't like that.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26If you ban pets from making noise,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28you'll miss out on dogs that sound like this...
0:07:30 > 0:07:31HE QUACKS
0:07:31 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Don't get rid of that!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41And goats...
0:07:41 > 0:07:43lovely goats...
0:07:43 > 0:07:44that sound a little bit broken.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Aa-a-ah!
0:07:46 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Don't get rid of those noises! QUACK! AA-A-AH!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57From the Ukraine to Egypt
0:07:57 > 0:08:01and now an INSANE story about a bloke that resembles a dead man.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04An Egyptian man shares an unfortunate doppelganger -
0:08:04 > 0:08:07executed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein...
0:08:07 > 0:08:09They are not lying, check this out.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13You are probably thinking that now Saddam's dead,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I doubt that his life is that bad...
0:08:27 > 0:08:29LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:35Unbelievable, isn't it?! NOBODY sees that coming!
0:08:36 > 0:08:40"Who does that bloke look like? You know what we could make him do?"
0:08:40 > 0:08:42It is the weirdest kidnap ever!
0:08:42 > 0:08:44"What are our demands?
0:08:44 > 0:08:48"We want you to make love to beautiful women, over and over.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49"What do you think of that?",
0:08:49 > 0:08:53- "Oh, no... - LAUGHTER
0:08:53 > 0:08:56"I better scream for help, I suppose...
0:08:56 > 0:08:57("Aa...")
0:08:57 > 0:08:59LAUGHTER
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"No-one's coming, let's drop it like it's hot!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04"Who's your Baghdaddy?"
0:09:04 > 0:09:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Saddam Hussein porn, can you imagine the trailer?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17'We thought he had weapons of MASS destruction.
0:09:17 > 0:09:22'Turns out he had a weapon of ASS destruction!
0:09:22 > 0:09:23'Saddam Hussein is...
0:09:23 > 0:09:26'the Dick-Tator!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28'Coming soon.'
0:09:28 > 0:09:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:32 > 0:09:35To America and a report about a woman who attacked police
0:09:35 > 0:09:37in a rather unusual manner.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39When Delaware County deputies arrived,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Robinette was in the passenger seat of her car.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44She cursed at the deputies when they tried to get her out
0:09:44 > 0:09:46and then sprayed them with bodily fluids.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48GASPING
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Bodily fluids?!
0:09:51 > 0:09:55She pulled out one of her breasts and started milking it
0:09:55 > 0:09:58and spraying breast milk towards the officers.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02No. No. No. No. No!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Spraying breast milk?!
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Pffft!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17It's like a filthy Super Soaker!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25So, what happened to this grubby criminal?
0:10:25 > 0:10:26'They kept taking to her
0:10:26 > 0:10:29'and were finally able to take her out of the car,
0:10:29 > 0:10:31'cuff her and take her to jail.'
0:10:31 > 0:10:35They got her out of the car, but not before this AMAZING conversation.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42'Robinette had become belligerent.'
0:10:45 > 0:10:47'Swearing and calling the officer racist.'
0:10:50 > 0:10:51LAUGHTER
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Brilliant!
0:10:52 > 0:10:59"You are racist cos I'm a female and you're sexist cos I'm a black man.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06What I don't understand about this story,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09why is she attacking the police?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11She's clearly has talented boobs.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14She should use her powers for good.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22SHOUTS: Give us your bag! Now!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Not so fast...
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Finish him off, Period Girl!
0:11:41 > 0:11:43GROANING No!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55So, the biggest sport story of the week was this...
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Football, Manchester United suffered a humiliating six-one thrashing,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01at the hands of local rivals Manchester City.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04It's United's heaviest home defeat in Premier League history.
0:12:04 > 0:12:066-1!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08CHEERING
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Brutal, wasn't it?
0:12:09 > 0:12:13I haven't seen a pounding like that since I watched that Saddam porn!
0:12:13 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:15RUSSELL SNIGGERS
0:12:16 > 0:12:19The game was incredible, but the thing that really caught my eye,
0:12:19 > 0:12:25what did Man City's crazy striker Mario Balotelli do the night before the game?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Did he go to bed early? Did he have a camomile tea?
0:12:28 > 0:12:33Mario Balotelli has escaped unharmed after setting his house on fire
0:12:33 > 0:12:35by letting off fireworks in his bathroom.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40He let fireworks off in his bathroom?! What was he doing?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Celebrating a shit?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45"That was a really good one, really good one, that.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47"Light the Catherine Wheel, let's do this."
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Apparently the firemen were at his house until three in the morning.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Is anyone thinking what I'm thinking? Fire? In the bathroom?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Turn the fucking shower on! - LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:13:00So, what happened to Balotelli after the fire?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Did he get fined by his club? cautioned by the police? Not really.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05He is now, would you believe,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08the face of a regional firework safety campaign.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09LAUGHTER
0:13:09 > 0:13:11It makes sense!
0:13:11 > 0:13:12APPLAUSE
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Have you seen what we are doing with our bins?!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21'The life of a litter bin must be a lonely one.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24'There is now a new weapon in the war on waste.'
0:13:24 > 0:13:26It may just look like an ordinary bin,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28but this one has plenty to say for itself.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31'Hello?'
0:13:31 > 0:13:32LAUGHTER
0:13:32 > 0:13:36'Hello! Just wanted to say thanks for the rubbish.'
0:13:36 > 0:13:40"I just wanted to say this is bullshit!"
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Why are we spending money on bins that say thank you?!
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Are people going, "I'll only stop littering if the bin is nice to me!
0:13:48 > 0:13:52"Next you'll be telling me I can't piss on a policeman."
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Don't give bins voices.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56How depressing would it be to hear the dog-muck bin?
0:13:56 > 0:14:01Imagine that, "No. PLEASE, no!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03"Oh, God alive!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05"Has anybody got a mint?"
0:14:05 > 0:14:10In case some of you are interested, they don't just say thank you.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13'They sing, talk, and sometimes even burp!'
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Brrrp!
0:14:14 > 0:14:15LAUGHTER
0:14:15 > 0:14:20Don't use a burp! If you want a noise which will encourage people to put rubbish in a bin,
0:14:20 > 0:14:21surely it is this one.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23QUACK!
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- LAUGHTER - Do the noise again! It's the best thing I've ever heard.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30If you heard that, every time you put something in a bin,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Britain would be cleaner than a nun's hard drive.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37It isn't just burping, celebrities are voicing some of the bins.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40'The likes of Amanda Holden, cricketer Phil Tufnell
0:14:40 > 0:14:43'and Michael Palin are all volunteering their voices.'
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Madness. If you're using a celebrity, surely it would be this guy?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:14:49 > 0:14:51He'd be the angriest bin ever!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Nobody would drop litter if a bin called you this...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57SHOUTS: Bugger, shit, fuck, shit, fucking sphincter, arsehole,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- up your arse, up your- BLEEP,
0:15:00 > 0:15:04fuck you sideways, you fucking boring fucking whore, fuck off, you COW!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07All right, I'll put it in the bin.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Sorry, Brian. That bin's got a real temper!
0:15:11 > 0:15:12LAUGHTER
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Now, next up, let's meet a guy with an unusual companion.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19'Usually it is a dog that's a man's best friend,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22'but for Barry Hayman it doesn't walk on four paws,
0:15:22 > 0:15:23'it waddles on two webbed feet.'
0:15:23 > 0:15:27'His best friend is a duck named Star.'
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- ALL: Ahhh! - Don't, "Ah!", stop it!
0:15:30 > 0:15:31He is best mates with a duck!
0:15:31 > 0:15:34He has put bread in his socks!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36"He won't leave me alone."
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Yeah, cos you're covered in Hovis, you lunatic!
0:15:39 > 0:15:42He doesn't just take the duck out in the car. Look where else they go.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45'Down the shops, or ducking into the pub for a pint.'
0:15:45 > 0:15:50Ahhh - a duck in a pub? He must get so sick of the jokes.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53"Hey, hey, hey, who is paying the BILL?"
0:15:53 > 0:15:55"Very good."
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"Want some cheese and quackers?"
0:15:57 > 0:16:00"Yeah, yeah." "Hey, hey, hey, who's your wingman?"
0:16:00 > 0:16:03"Fuck off, Brian, no wonder your wife left!"
0:16:03 > 0:16:04LAUGHTER
0:16:08 > 0:16:10"I hate you, Brian.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13"I fucking hate you!"
0:16:14 > 0:16:17For me, it's madness. Don't choose a duck.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20If you're going to be best friends with any animal,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22it would have to be this guy.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23QUACK!
0:16:23 > 0:16:28Look at his face! Kill me!
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Moving along. Have a look at this SHOCKING tale about prejudice.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Now the world's largest sperm bank is saying, "Thanks but no, thanks,"
0:16:35 > 0:16:38to one pool of potential donors. People with red hair!
0:16:38 > 0:16:43- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Isn't it shocking, man? Don't applaud!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Don't applaud!
0:16:47 > 0:16:51It is horrible, ginger people aren't allowed to donate sperm.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54How unfair is that? Do you reckon they will protest.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58"We've got sperm, you've got money! Let us in, it's really sunny!"
0:16:58 > 0:17:00LAUGHTER
0:17:00 > 0:17:03What I want to know, how do you identify ginger sperm?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Can you tell under a microscope?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07THEY CHATTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Expelliarmus!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:15It's such a ridiculous idea.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Listen to why they are banning our red-headed friends.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19'The problem is, given a choice,
0:17:19 > 0:17:23'the majority of women would prefer a child and a partner
0:17:23 > 0:17:26'with the more commonly found blond or dark hair.'
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Bullshit, like hair colour is the only indicator of beauty!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Do you prefer this lady or...
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Jodie Marsh?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35LAUGHTER
0:17:35 > 0:17:39She has brown hair, yeah, but she looks like a fucking Toblerone!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41LAUGHTER
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Perhaps the most worrying part of the story is this...
0:17:44 > 0:17:48'This ginger rejection comes as some predict natural redheads
0:17:48 > 0:17:51'could become extinct within 100 years.'
0:17:51 > 0:17:52This is awful, ain't it?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Do you reckon, soon people will be watching programmes like this...
0:17:55 > 0:17:57MUSIC: "Theme from Jurassic Park"
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Ahh!
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Grrr!
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Rarrrgh!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08APPLAUSE
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Moving on.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12It's been a worrying discovery for women.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13You see this?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26So, basically, girls,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29you can do what ever you want to look pretty,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32but at 10.03 in the morning it will all fade.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- LAUGHTER - To be honest, I've noticed that myself.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- Hey, how are you doing? - How are YOU doing?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Argh!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Argh!
0:19:11 > 0:19:12LAUGHTER
0:19:19 > 0:19:22What's happening?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31There'll be a mystery guest, he's been in the news.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I've got to figure out who that person is.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35So, please welcome my mystery guest!
0:19:35 > 0:19:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:50LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:55It does scream sex offender, doesn't it?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- I was waiting for it. - I'll make my way gingerly...
0:19:58 > 0:20:03but I have a feeling that Mr Tumnus...
0:20:03 > 0:20:05may be a little bit weirder than usual.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- Hello.- Hiya.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Can I have my ball back?
0:20:09 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Hmm, what are you doing in a hedge? - Erm... Ha-ha!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Very rare you get to start the interview like that
0:20:19 > 0:20:22and that be the right opening question! What are you doing in the hedge?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I spend a lot of time out in my environment,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28out in rural areas during the night-time.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29OK...
0:20:29 > 0:20:30LAUGHTER
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Are you a keen dogger?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34No, not quite.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Presumably you are looking at nature, I imagine,
0:20:38 > 0:20:39in the West Country?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I am in the West Country and I spend a lot of time in the rural areas,
0:20:42 > 0:20:46during the night-time, without giving too much away.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Hey, I know who you are!
0:20:48 > 0:20:49I know who you are!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51You are...
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- you're the Yeovil Ninja! - Yes, I am.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Come out. OK, there we go! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- Nice to meet you, man! - Can you stand back?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Well, I regret calling you a pervert, now!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08It's not very often you call someone a sex offender
0:21:08 > 0:21:10and then they rock up dressed like Darth Maul!
0:21:10 > 0:21:11LAUGHTER
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- If you just want... - I'd love to go there, yeah.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17So, I'm the Yeovil Ninja...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19and today we are going to get you in a ninja suit
0:21:19 > 0:21:21and give you a crash course in becoming a ninja!
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Well, I'm absolutely involved now!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- First of all, we're going to see a clip.- OK, sweet.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42APPLAUSE
0:21:43 > 0:21:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:51 > 0:21:55First of all, why did you become the Yeovil Ninja?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I wanted to know how to move like a ninja
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- in the shadows during the night-time, as you do as a young boy.- Yeah.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04I, sort of, made contact with ninjas, practitioners from around the world
0:22:04 > 0:22:07and learning the arts of ninja out in the shadows,
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- using anything that would benefit me as a ninja today.- Cool.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- Let's do this.- Right, so one thing we will go through is moving.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17So, what we do is, we keep your hands close to our chest.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21- Yeah.- Move across, keeping very silent, aware of your surroundings.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24What you do is, when your furthest leg's out...
0:22:24 > 0:22:26you go down to one knee.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27TITTERING
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Now when you are down on one knee you observe your surroundings,
0:22:31 > 0:22:35whether it is smell, sight, use your awareness.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- If you have... - (There are people looking at us!)
0:22:38 > 0:22:40LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:44(I don't think we're in the shadows!)
0:22:44 > 0:22:46LAUGHTER
0:22:48 > 0:22:51So, what we do is, moving as a ninja we move in bounds
0:22:51 > 0:22:54and I am always looking at the next point of concealment.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56You're aware, you'll hear people from a distance.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00I actually use a hearing aid sometimes over normal hearing to amplify the surroundings.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- I can hear conversations from... - Benefit cheat!- Aye.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05LAUGHTER
0:23:07 > 0:23:09"Mummy, there is a mad bloke in the garden."
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- Sorry, sorry.- So, we are moving bounds, crossing legs,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14transferring the weight and getting in your way!
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- Next is the Serpent movement. - The Serpent?- Serpent.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20You're down on your knees...
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- and what we do it, you might use the dead ground.- Yep.- OK?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25And we're moving up to a position.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:33You can call that the Serpent... That's crawling, that's is!
0:23:33 > 0:23:34LAUGHTER
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- OK.- All right?- Yeah.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Now, what do your family think of this?
0:23:39 > 0:23:43- Are you married?- Yes, I am married with two kids.- Oh, sweet!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- One's five, I started teaching them about this at three.- Oh, nice.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Probably got the whole serpent thing down pretty quick?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Yeah...- Is he a natural? - He is a natural, yeah.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Did you spray-paint his nappy black?
0:23:55 > 0:23:56LAUGHTER
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Have you got any other skills you can teach me?
0:24:00 > 0:24:04I've got many striking techniques and pressure points as well.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I fucking hate these ones.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09LAUGHTER
0:24:09 > 0:24:13I teach 45 pressure points, from pain, unconsciousness and death.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Right. Let's work from the beginning!
0:24:17 > 0:24:21So, very basically, you've got a pressure point just between...
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Oh, don't. Go on, go on, go on.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- Just between the collar bone. If you push down there...- Ugh!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- I sound like a pug! - LAUGHTER
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- Give me your right hand...- QUACK!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- LAUGHTER - Sorry about that!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35APPLAUSE
0:24:35 > 0:24:39- Go on.- You go to grab me there. - Yep.- What I can do is...
0:24:39 > 0:24:43I can influence your body by moving through and flipping you over.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46In this case, I'd raise your armpit, strike out into the armpit,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49then it sends your body into shock and you'll collapse.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51And then you've got the monkey swing.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54The monkey swing? Nice.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58- Do you throw in a... - HE CRIES LIKE A MONKEY
0:24:58 > 0:25:03- They are just very basic ones, we can't show too much.- So, it's that, there and the monkeys!- Yeah!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06What an excellent way of handling a lovely random interview.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10- Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the Yeovil Ninja! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Now, we all know that being a student is tough.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20You can get a degree, but you also end up with massive debts.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22These guys have come up with a novel solution.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Two graduates have a rather unusual solution to this all
0:25:26 > 0:25:29by selling advertising on their face.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31'They set up buymyface.com,
0:25:31 > 0:25:36'where people and companies can advertise anything on their face for a day.'
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- Bizarrely, the plan is working. - 'The idea has proven a hit,
0:25:40 > 0:25:44'they've made £3,500 and they're just two weeks in.'
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Three-and-a-half grand and counting, it's a great idea!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I liked it so much I found the actual guys
0:25:50 > 0:25:51and I gave them £100 to do this.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55- No. No. No. No. No. No. No! - LAUGHTER
0:25:55 > 0:25:59And once I had paid them to do that, I had to make them do this...
0:25:59 > 0:26:00QUACK!
0:26:00 > 0:26:01LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:03APPLAUSE
0:26:03 > 0:26:04I had to.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11This is amazing. Now, you may remember, last series
0:26:11 > 0:26:14I showed you a story about cystic fibrosis sufferer, Kirstie Mills.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17I don't know if you remember it? How about this for a fantastic update.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21'Kirstie has cystic fibrosis.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25'Kirstie's lungs had become so badly damaged in March of this year,
0:26:25 > 0:26:29'doctors told her she had, at best, two-and-a-half years left to live.'
0:26:29 > 0:26:32'By May they had revised the estimate to six months.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35'Regardless, Kirstie went on to get married.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38'Even though she spent the days leading up to her wedding
0:26:38 > 0:26:39'in intensive care.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42'New lungs would prolong her life
0:26:42 > 0:26:45'and she was on the transplant waiting list.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49'The decision was made after the wedding to airlift her to the transplant hospital in London
0:26:49 > 0:26:52'so that she'd be ready if a donor became available.'
0:26:52 > 0:26:57Earlier on in that day...my husband and mum had been called in...
0:26:59 > 0:27:02..and they knew it was a matter of hours that I had left.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09'Then it was a surprise that a pair of lungs became available.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13'They didn't know if I was too ill at that point to be transplanted.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15'I really didn't have long left in that day'
0:27:15 > 0:27:19and I was kept on by-pass until the lungs arrived
0:27:19 > 0:27:21and they were transplanted.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28'No-one can tell you how hard a transplant is going to be,'
0:27:28 > 0:27:32but no-one can really tell you how good it is once you get into your recovery.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38And just doing simple things, just feels amazing
0:27:38 > 0:27:42'and being able to plan what me and Stuart are going to do with our future.'
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- APPLAUSE - Beautiful, isn't it? Ace!
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Thanks very much for watching Good News.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I really hope you enjoyed it. See you!
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:20 > 0:28:23E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk