0:00:00 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Thank you. Thanks very much. Welcome to Good News.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hope you've had a good week. What's been going on?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Over in Russia, this newsreader was caught in the act.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Did anyone else see Stevie Wonder parking his car on the news?
0:00:54 > 0:00:59Is it me, or do some people really fear the north of England?
0:00:59 > 0:01:03A woman from Otley has been telling how passengers screamed in terror
0:01:03 > 0:01:06as their plane tried to land at Leeds Bradford Airport.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09"NO!
0:01:09 > 0:01:10"Not Leeds!"
0:01:12 > 0:01:14It couldn't be a week in the news
0:01:14 > 0:01:17without sexual overlord Eamonn Holmes
0:01:17 > 0:01:19telling us how he makes love.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21In, out, you know the score.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27And finally, there's nothing better than just watching people lose it.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29George Osborne...
0:01:29 > 0:01:31THEY LAUGH
0:01:31 > 0:01:34He denies it, right? He denies it.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Nevertheless, it's come back, because...
0:01:39 > 0:01:42- <- It's not funny!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45The Mirror has to take responsibility for this...
0:01:45 > 0:01:48She... She's been told her phone was hacked >
0:01:48 > 0:01:51when the Sunday Mirror...
0:01:52 > 0:01:55They got so into it they forgot they were on the news
0:01:55 > 0:01:57and started making jokes.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59This story a few years ago about George
0:01:59 > 0:02:04and this woman who clearly no longer takes cocaine, judging by her size.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07THEY LAUGH
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Anyway, George Osborne
0:02:09 > 0:02:12will be dogged by this,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14and the lawyer...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Beautiful.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Big news - well, a special baby has been born this week.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Events have been taking place around the world
0:02:25 > 0:02:29to mark the birth of the seven billionth person on the planet.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Seven billion people,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35and still my brother can't get a girlfriend.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37As ever with a big story like this,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40the Daily Mail message boards were heaving with madness.
0:02:47 > 0:02:52"I want the name of every person in the world right now."
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Mind you, not everyone was angry. Some were just confused.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Scientists worry about the increase in population.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10With potentially billions more people,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14pressure on water, food, oil will grow.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17A billion go to bed every night hungry.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- WOMAN LAUGHS - Don't laugh, madam!
0:03:20 > 0:03:25"Hungry?! That's the funniest thing I've ever seen!"
0:03:26 > 0:03:29There's too many of us. The planet can't cope.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36We need to start bumping people off. But who?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Don't you worry, I've drawn up a list.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Number one, people who play ringtones out loud on buses.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46People who still do impressions of Austin Powers. Off you fuck.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50People who wear sunglasses indoors, unless you're blind.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55People who say, "I am what I am, OMG, LOL,
0:03:55 > 0:03:59"reem, I'm real, I'm real, I'm real." Really?
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Because I thought you were fucking imaginary!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06And finally, anyone who doesn't like this.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Leave!
0:04:10 > 0:04:11APPLAUSE
0:04:14 > 0:04:16In Blighty, Occupy London was making headlines.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Protesters could remain camped outside St Paul's until the new year
0:04:20 > 0:04:23after authorities offered to halt legal action.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Aside from the issues about vicars losing their jobs and evictions,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I couldn't take my eyes off the protesters.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30They gave some amazing interviews.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34This guy started off by moaning about the lives of the rich.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36They still have lavish dinners,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38they still have chauffeur-driven Rolls,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40they still have butlers and mansions.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44All good points. But then he really lost it.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46We're at home with our Topshop beans,
0:04:46 > 0:04:50separating each bean onto each plate for our children.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Topshop beans?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58No wonder his kids are upset - he's feeding them jumpers!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04My favourite protester was an Australian called Francis Firebrace.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06This old fella is wonderful.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09You can't hold me, because I'm not doing any harm to anybody.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I'm an elderly man. Come on, use your bloody nous a bit.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Come on, guys. I love you guys.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Isn't that great? "I love you guys."
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Just goes to show, if you're going to protest,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22you don't have to be violent.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25OK, boys, which one of you fellas have I got to fight?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31"I'll rip your eyes out and stick them up your didgeridoo!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34"But I still love you."
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Staying in Oz, in royal news, the Queen's been on a trip down under.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42The Queen and Prince Philip are in Australia for a ten-day visit.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44They'll be based in the capital, Canberra,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47but will also travel to Melbourne, Brisbane and Perth.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Did you see the Australian media coverage?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Was it me, or were their reports a little bit morbid?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58The Queen arrives in Canberra for her 16th visit to Australia,
0:05:58 > 0:05:59possibly her last.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01..her last trip to Australia.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03..on what may well be her last ever trip.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- ..her last trip here. - ..probably her very last time.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I hate to use the word "die", so I won't.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I'm surprised they didn't follow her around dressed as Death.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16It didn't end there.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Judging by her hand gesture,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20this reporter was having a pop at how Liz smells.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23The Queen touched down in Perth last night.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29"Oh, it's like a dingo's ball bag."
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Not all of the reporters were rude. This guy has to win the award
0:06:32 > 0:06:34for saying exactly what you see.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38The Queen wore lilac and had fresh flowers in her hat.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40The Duke of Edinburgh didn't.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"Later on she'll be waving,
0:06:48 > 0:06:49"using her hand."
0:06:49 > 0:06:52The Queen and Prince Philip were there for ten days,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55and they met some interesting people.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58One of my favourites, the BFG's daughter.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03Basketball player Elizabeth Cambage towered over the royal couple
0:07:03 > 0:07:07as they continued their apparently triumphant Australian journey.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I love the moment when the Queen sees her.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10"Hello, you...
0:07:10 > 0:07:14"Holy shit!
0:07:14 > 0:07:15"Look, Philip."
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- AS PHILIP:- "Bloody hell,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20"she's higher than Prince Harry.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22"Let's climb her."
0:07:24 > 0:07:27The biggest scandal of the trip was definitely this.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31In Brisbane, 22-year-old Liam Warriner appeared in court
0:07:31 > 0:07:33after he bared his butt cheeks
0:07:33 > 0:07:36to the royal motorcade and mooned the Queen.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Classic Aussie behaviour -
0:07:38 > 0:07:42"It's the Queen. I better flash her my shit pipe."
0:07:42 > 0:07:45So, how did the royals react? I bet they were terrified.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48The Prince gave me a nice wave. It was lovely.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"Hello.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54"It's like a yawning Wookiee."
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Have you seen the latest craze hitting British playgrounds?
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Look at this.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Marbles...just say no.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Will kids be in rehab?
0:08:21 > 0:08:25"My name is Sarah and I am a marbles gambler.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27"It got so bad,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31"to pay my debts, I had to put Igglepiggle on the game.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36"She's a good little slut, though. Makes me money."
0:08:40 > 0:08:41That's a bit full on, Sarah.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44"Yeah, it's just how I get when I'm pimping."
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Have you seen where they get the money?
0:08:47 > 0:08:51They're stealing cash, DVDs and computer games.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Don't steal from your parents. Surely the best way to make money -
0:08:55 > 0:08:56blackmail.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Take a photo of yourself naked, put it in your teacher's bag,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02threaten to go to the papers!
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Easy money.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Over in Russia, there's an alarming promotion in a sex shop.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13Casanova 69 is offering kids and adults
0:09:13 > 0:09:16the chance to win an unspecified gift from the chain
0:09:16 > 0:09:18if they can answer one simple question -
0:09:18 > 0:09:21where do babies come from?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24That's right, a Russian sex shop is offering children
0:09:24 > 0:09:26an unspecified gift
0:09:26 > 0:09:29if they can tell them where babies come from.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I mean, it makes obvious sense.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Remember when you were little,
0:09:32 > 0:09:36how much you wanted something from a sex shop?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I remember Christmas.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Dear Santa, please can I have some crayons,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44a bike
0:09:44 > 0:09:48and a vibrating butt plug?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I never got that bike.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58APPLAUSE
0:10:00 > 0:10:04I'm worried by this news - if sex shops are trying to appeal to kids,
0:10:04 > 0:10:09how long before we start seeing children's TV shows like this?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Hi, kids!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I'm Mr Dildo!
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Where's Mr Dildo hiding today?
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Is he in Mummy?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Is he in Daddy?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Where, oh, where could Mr Dildo be?
0:10:31 > 0:10:32RATTLING
0:10:34 > 0:10:41Mr Dildo! You are naughty!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43APPLAUSE
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Technology news.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53The iPhone is having a wee bit o' bother in Scotland.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56It created excitement among techno geeks
0:10:56 > 0:10:59when it was launched in London less than two weeks ago,
0:10:59 > 0:11:04but now the new iPhone 4s is instead creating confusion.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- Is it a nice day? - Let's see what it says.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13'I don't know what you mean by "Is it NAS Deeta says?"'
0:11:13 > 0:11:17That's right, the latest iPhone can't understand Scottish people.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Are there phones in Glasgow saying,
0:11:19 > 0:11:23"I do not know where the nearest smack dealer is"?
0:11:25 > 0:11:29"I will find one when you have finished school."
0:11:29 > 0:11:32It's little wonder the iPhone's confused.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Scottish people are asking it pretty weird questions.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Do you like men? >
0:11:37 > 0:11:39'This is about you, not me.'
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Remind me to clean my ass cheeks once I've taken a dump. >
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- AS iPHONE:- Remind me to kill myself.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56But the iPhone cock-up is nothing
0:11:56 > 0:11:59compared to Nikon's face recognition camera.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02If you think misunderstanding a Scottish accent was bad,
0:12:02 > 0:12:06look what their camera told this lady when she took a photo.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09"Did someone blink?"
0:12:10 > 0:12:13No.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16But someone made a camera that was racist.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23From technology that struggles with humans, to humans who struggle with technology.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26It's estimated that 8.7 million adults here in the UK
0:12:26 > 0:12:28have never been online.
0:12:28 > 0:12:3242% of those people are aged 55 or over.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36To turn this around, a BBC scheme called Give An Hour was set up
0:12:36 > 0:12:37to get pensioners online.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Fair to say, some of them are quite scared of technology.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44The biggest fear is when you move that mouse, what's it going to do?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49"What's it going to do?
0:12:49 > 0:12:53"It's not just the mouse. I heard my computer's full of RAM.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56"Someone's put a sheep in my computer."
0:12:57 > 0:13:00So how are they getting people like him online?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03The challenge - 250 internet users
0:13:03 > 0:13:07getting 250 internet virgins online in just an hour.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Well, that is going to be a nightmare -
0:13:09 > 0:13:11not the technology but protecting pensioners
0:13:11 > 0:13:15from the ridiculous amounts of internet porn.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16It's everywhere.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Let's do some online shopping. Type what you want into Google.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23"OK! I love fudge.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29"Bloody hell!"
0:13:29 > 0:13:32OK, forget about food. Let's get you a lovely present.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35"Okey-dokey. I want a pearl necklace."
0:13:35 > 0:13:38No, you don't! Let's get you a scarf.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40"No, I want a pearl necklace."
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Stop saying that!
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Despite that, it's great that pensioners are getting online,
0:13:45 > 0:13:48because otherwise they'd miss out on things like this.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Over in New Zealand, check out this massive crime story.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Police say a large dog attacked and punctured four tyres
0:14:01 > 0:14:02before taking off.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Holy shit!
0:14:04 > 0:14:06A dog is chewing tyres!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09You're probably thinking, "Why are you showing me this?"
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Why? Because you're about to see
0:14:11 > 0:14:15some of the most mind-blowing CGI known to mankind.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19A South Auckland police sergeant was patrolling the Mangere street.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Bruno attacked his vehicle, biting the tyre, puncturing it.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24The cop changed the tyre,
0:14:24 > 0:14:28but when he returned the bull-mastiff cross again attacked his tyre,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30again puncturing it.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Another sergeant came to the officer's aid,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36but he too had his tyre attacked and punctured.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38It's like Avatar, isn't it?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40If you think what he did to the car was bad,
0:14:40 > 0:14:42check out what he did to the police officer.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Now a cracking story about Snoop Dogg.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52The rapper Snoop Dogg has gone to some extraordinary lengths
0:14:52 > 0:14:54to broaden his fan base
0:14:54 > 0:14:57by personally appealing to a Welsh farmer
0:14:57 > 0:14:58to come to his concert.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00This story is brilliant.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03A bloke called Ian Neale grew the world's biggest turnip,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06and Snoop Dogg invited him to a gig.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Shout out to my homeboy Ian Neale in Cardiff
0:15:09 > 0:15:12for breaking the world's record for the biggest vegetable.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Man, when I do my show in Cardiff,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I want you to come backstage and see me,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19cos I do vegetation myself and I want to know your secret
0:15:19 > 0:15:21so I can show you my vegetables
0:15:21 > 0:15:24and see if you can grow that into a real big vegetable.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30I wonder what Snoop could be growing!
0:15:30 > 0:15:34It's so blatant - he's literally surrounded by cannabis.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37You're probably thinking, "I doubt he went to the gig."
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Well, guess again. Not only did he go, he had quite the adventure.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I got my VIP pass with me to show my friends.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46< And you met him last night?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I met him last night and I had a smoke with him.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I don't smoke, but he offered me one so I took one.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I'm hoping that's just tobacco.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55No, it wasn't!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58APPLAUSE
0:16:01 > 0:16:04"Why do you think I'm wearing this shirt?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06"I'm off my tits!
0:16:06 > 0:16:09"I feel like I'm in a fruit bowl!"
0:16:09 > 0:16:11So, how long did you have with Snoop?
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Ten minutes.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17There were four of us in my party, and we had ten minutes with him.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19What else did you chat about?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21"No idea!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24"His stuff was so strong my shirt started talking to me."
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I love how he sums up the concert.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Yes, it was an experience. In fact, I'm still deaf.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36Mind you, if he's deaf, at least he couldn't hear this.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39OUT OF TUNE: # Come on and let me know
0:16:39 > 0:16:42# Should I stay or should I go? #
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Go.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46And take your pubic lice with you.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48APPLAUSE
0:16:48 > 0:16:51He crucified that classic song.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Over in Scotland, here's a report about an eating competition
0:16:56 > 0:16:58that ended in disaster.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01An Indian restaurant in Edinburgh has been criticised
0:17:01 > 0:17:04after its World's Hottest Chilli competition
0:17:04 > 0:17:05left two people in hospital.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Hospital?!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11"How was the chilli contest?" "My arse doesn't work."
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I know what you're thinking -
0:17:15 > 0:17:18if only this story happened in New Zealand.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Imagine the graphics they'd have in the news.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35There's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who it is.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37So please welcome my mystery guest.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Hello!
0:17:50 > 0:17:54- Your plumage has come down. - Hello.- I'm Russell.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Nice to meet you.- My name's Ian. - Can I sit here?- Yes, please.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02So, Ian, I imagine it has something to do with gardening.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- No.- Nothing to do with gardening?
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Good curve ball. We're in a greenhouse. Has it got something to do with your hat?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12No, that's health and safety reasons.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Right. Makes sense, doesn't it?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Health and safety making you dress like a bullock.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21- IAN LAUGHS HEARTILY - Good laugh.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25That was the kind of laugh of a man who should be next to a fire.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26RUSSELL CACKLES
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- "Pull my finger." - Fire - that's close.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- Fire's close.- Yes, yes. - Are you the firestarter?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33No.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- Twisted firestarter?- No. No!
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Do you smack your bitch up?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39No. No, no.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- You'll piss yourself when you get it.- Nice!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I love these interviews. They're not like Parkinson.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- No.- OK, you're going to have to help me out.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52- I'll give you another clue.- OK.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Oh, that's an infrared... Do you shoot things at night?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- No.- Are you the champion of...? Why have you got
0:19:00 > 0:19:03an infrared sight? What's that?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Do you go...?
0:19:05 > 0:19:06I am the current
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- 40th and 41st world pea-shooting champion.- Oh!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12There you go!
0:19:12 > 0:19:14APPLAUSE
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- Would you like to have a go? - I'd love to.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Back a bit. Come on.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Twelve foot.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Twelve foot twelve inches,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31and we fire peas at the target.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- OK.- Every now and then you get a bad pea.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36In fact, pea selection is key to the...
0:19:36 > 0:19:38You seem like a lovely bloke,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42but that is one of the dullest things any man has ever said to me.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45You are lovely, but "Pea selection is a very important thing...
0:19:45 > 0:19:48"ladies."
0:19:49 > 0:19:50That's it, that's it.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- Very close.- That was crap. You do it.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I've dropped my pea. I've pea-ed on the stage now!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Show me how it's done.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- OK.- Let's make this interesting.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Actually, hang on a minute.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17This will be like a really weird recreation of how...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Agh!
0:20:22 > 0:20:23APPLAUSE
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Get it!
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Oh, nice. Nice. And again. No, let's do it like Robin Hood.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Can you do it like this?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40APPLAUSE
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- You did it, though.- I know!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- You can't put a champion off. - I can't put a champion off.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- Let's do it again. - Give it a good go. Hey, careful!
0:20:58 > 0:21:00You can't!
0:21:00 > 0:21:01APPLAUSE
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Do it again and touch my dick, come on.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11No!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16You can't put a champion off.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20No, no, go downstairs.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Go on, rub it, really rub it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Go on, touch my dick!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27No!
0:21:29 > 0:21:30It won't go.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33YEAH!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36APPLAUSE
0:21:40 > 0:21:43So, the first question that leaps to mind,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45why the Viking helmet?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- Health and safety. - You keep saying that.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50There's people shooting behind you as you're trying to shoot.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55- It protects the back of your neck. - I get that, but why the horns?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58It was just given to me as a gift.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59That's a back story.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- Who gave you that as a gift? - My daughter.- Lovely!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- How old is she?- Er, 26.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08- <- I'm 24!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Did you hear that?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15APPLAUSE
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- That's on telly. - It changes every year!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24That's on telly forever.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- I enjoyed that. Nice to meet you. - Thank you very much.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33- A genuine pleasure. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!- Russell?- What?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I was on the news for something else as well.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- Ian?- I, er...- Ian...?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I trimmed a bush.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- You what?- I trimmed a bush into an obscene shape,
0:22:44 > 0:22:49a todgery-type shape.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51So you turned your bush into a penis?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Yes.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56That's not often been done.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- Yeah...- What made you do that?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I couldn't do a dog.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09APPLAUSE
0:23:10 > 0:23:15- Please give it up for my mystery guest! - APPLAUSE
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Now, if you think you've woken up grumpy today,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24you've got nothing on this guy.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Confused and angry,
0:23:26 > 0:23:29an elderly man in a morgue in South Africa...
0:23:30 > 0:23:33..led away from the premises
0:23:33 > 0:23:34after he was found alive
0:23:34 > 0:23:36in the mortician's fridge.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Workers thought he had died the day before.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Imagine waking up in a morgue.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45It would be horrific.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Mind you, if that were me, I'd have to take the piss.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51When they pulled me out, I'd freak them out and do the Thriller dance.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55What I want to know, how the hell did this happen?
0:23:55 > 0:23:59His family asked the morgue to collect his body
0:23:59 > 0:24:00after they could not wake him.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04How shit are his family?!
0:24:04 > 0:24:06"Grandad?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08"He's dead. Whack him in the fridge."
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Grandad will never sleep again. "What do you want for dinner?"
0:24:12 > 0:24:14"Red Bull and cocaine!"
0:24:20 > 0:24:23This week's story is about a young man called Patrick Hughes.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24It's wonderful.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Born without eyes
0:24:28 > 0:24:31and a tightening of the joints that prevents his limbs straightening,
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Patrick has been blind and crippled from birth.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37We asked, "Why us?" We played by the rules.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40We worked hard. We just didn't understand.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46That heartbreak began to fade even before Patrick's first birthday,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49from his first moments at the family's piano.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54By his second birthday, he was playing requests.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Can you play You Are My Sunshine?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59HE PLAYS THE MELODY
0:25:03 > 0:25:05OK, we're not going to play baseball,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08but we're going to play music together. That was really exciting.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10MUSIC: "Clair de Lune" by Debussy
0:25:14 > 0:25:18He's my hero. I've told him before.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20What he goes through,
0:25:20 > 0:25:24it's taught me that I don't really have any complaints.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28God made me blind and unable to walk.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Big deal.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33He gave me the ability, the musical gifts I have
0:25:33 > 0:25:36and the great opportunity to meet new people.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40How would you describe your disabilities?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Not disabilities at all, more abilities.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Lovely. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for watching Good News.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Good night.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd