0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:00:25 > 0:00:26Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Thank you very much.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Hello, and welcome to Good News.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Hope you've had a good week. So, what's been happening?
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Well, Alan Johnson revealed the most unprofessional thing he's ever done.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Fingered a senior civil servant.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:00:46 > 0:00:50I tell you what, Chris Hollins needs to work on his street slang.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Your mummy!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Did anyone else see Louis Walsh's sperm on telly?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Here's a tip, never interview someone on a trampoline.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Emma? Emma?
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Emma?
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Over on BBC News, they interviewed the world anal champions.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13It's not for everyone, is it, those tight spaces?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Here's a couple of guys who love it.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:01:18 > 0:01:22And finally, Denise Roberts has got a terrifying stare.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Leave us to get on with it.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30When you see it a second time, it gets even scarier!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Leave us to get on with it.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:01:37 > 0:01:38APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:45So, the big news for me was this.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I broke my hand!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49In case you didn't see what happened.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Last week, I broke it by doing press-ups on a breakable stool.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Oh, I love that(!)
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Not, "Aw!"
0:02:05 > 0:02:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:14I thought you were going to go, "Aww!" and you all applauded!
0:02:14 > 0:02:18What a weird... "Look, he can barely move his hand!"
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I was in agony!
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Still, you can rely on your mates in a crisis.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Here's some texts I received minutes after the news broke.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Here's one from my mate, Steve.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48And my personal favourite came from my filthy toad of a brother.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Cheers, bruv.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00If you think I had a bad week, it's nothing compared to this guy.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05FIFA President Sepp Blatter made a complete tool of himself.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Sepp Blatter, President of FIFA, football's world governing body,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12has said the game does not have a problem with racism
0:03:12 > 0:03:16and believes any racist incidents can be settled with a handshake.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20You can say what you want, as long as you shake hands.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24If that's the case, Sepp Blatter you are an ignorant, out of touch,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- overpaid, fat old- BLEEP!
0:03:27 > 0:03:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:30 > 0:03:33OK? We'll be friends?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Did you see how he responded to this racial controversy?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41He put this photo on a FIFA website.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45A picture of him hugging a black man!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47"He's my best friend!"
0:03:47 > 0:03:50What you can't see - that bloke's feet are in chains.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53To be honest,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55it's hardly surprising Blatter's been in the news.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57He's said some outrageous things.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Last year, Blatter was forced to apologise
0:04:01 > 0:04:05after suggesting that...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08What does he think they're going to do?!
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"We scored! Somebody bum me!"
0:04:12 > 0:04:14What a moron!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Mind you,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I'd love to see the photo he showed to prove he wasn't homophobic.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:04:22 > 0:04:24It's amazing he's still in the job!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Look what he said about John Terry, last year.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30'When John Terry was sacked because of an alleged affair,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32'Blatter said...'
0:04:34 > 0:04:37That is shocking!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40'When he was asked what might make women's football more appealing...'
0:04:43 > 0:04:46He's not all bad. I'm joking!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Nobody wants to see a camel toe.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51In royal news,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54the rumour mill is in overdrive...
0:04:58 > 0:05:00The English press said nothing.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03The US media - they've gone bat-shit crazy.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05The pressure is on. The world is waiting.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Could the rumours actually be true?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Tongues are wagging uncontrollably.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Does Kate Middleton have a bun in the oven?
0:05:11 > 0:05:15- Baby.- Baby.- Baby.- Baby.- Are we making too big a deal about this?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Yes!
0:05:17 > 0:05:20They reckon she's pregnant because she was rubbing her belly
0:05:20 > 0:05:22and she wouldn't eat nuts.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25That isn't pregnancy, that's a sick squirrel.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31"I shouldn't have had those acorns."
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Mind you, the American reaction has got nothing
0:05:33 > 0:05:36on our old friends, at Taiwanese news.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Look what they reckon the Queen did.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42REPORTER SPEAKS IN TAIWANESE
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Popping a johnny!
0:05:50 > 0:05:55"Philip! We must have an heir!
0:05:55 > 0:05:58"Sprinkle some Viagra in his tea."
0:05:58 > 0:06:00"OK, Liz.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03"One for Will...one for me!"
0:06:03 > 0:06:06If you think what they did with the Queen was odd.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Look at the way they ended the report. I've watched this ten times.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I still have no idea what is going on.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17REPORTER SPEAKS IN TAIWANESE
0:06:21 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:27 > 0:06:29No idea.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31In political news,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34it's been a bad week for Barack Obama.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Someone shot at the White House.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39The Secret Service found a bullet in a White House window.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Officials think they know who fired the shot.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Who would fire a gun at the first-ever black President?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50It was fine.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52They shook hands afterwards.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I'm joking. It wasn't Blatter.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Police reckon it was this guy.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59'A man suspected of shooting at the White House last Friday
0:06:59 > 0:07:03'has been charged with the attempted assassination of President Obama.'
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Shit! I hope Obama's OK.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06It must have been a close shot
0:07:06 > 0:07:09if he's been charged with attempted murder.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Neither the President nor his family were in the White House that night.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15He wasn't even there!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17He wasn't even in the country!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Obama was in Australia.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23How shit an assassin do you have to be
0:07:23 > 0:07:26when you miss by 8,000 miles?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I haven't seen a miss that bad since this...
0:07:31 > 0:07:32I don't think I'm that tall.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:43What kind of dick gets filmed breaking his hand?!
0:07:43 > 0:07:46LAUGHTER
0:07:46 > 0:07:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Over in South Africa, a couple have got engaged.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Listen to this woman describe her feelings for her fiance.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Sounds perfect. Perfect until you find out why she's in the news.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12In South Africa, an engaged couple just found out
0:08:12 > 0:08:14they're actually brother and sister.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18No, no, no, no, no.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24It could have been worse, they could have found out during sex.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25"Who's your daddy?"
0:08:25 > 0:08:27"He's called Peter Smith."
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"Same here!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31"Where does he live?"
0:08:31 > 0:08:32"Bristol."
0:08:32 > 0:08:33"Same here!
0:08:33 > 0:08:37"Next you'll be telling me he's six foot and walks with a limp."
0:08:39 > 0:08:41"Oh, God!"
0:08:41 > 0:08:42As you'd imagine,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44they split up straight away.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46It's a good job they didn't get married.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"Does anyone know of any reason why these two should not be married?"
0:08:49 > 0:08:51"Yeah, their kids will have gills!"
0:08:53 > 0:08:55That isn't the only strange love story in the news.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Over in Scotland, an eel is being released from captivity
0:08:58 > 0:09:00so he can go and have sex.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02This is Rick.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07For the past seven years this tank at Macduff Aquarium has been his home.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09But Rick's outgrown his surroundings and is restless,
0:09:09 > 0:09:13and ready to swim thousands of miles to find a mate.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15He must have been so lonely in there.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20# All by myself. #
0:09:20 > 0:09:23"All I want is love.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25"A lovely lady eel,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28"that I can call my own."
0:09:29 > 0:09:33So...did poor Rick make it to the ocean?
0:09:33 > 0:09:34'Local people gathered to watch.'
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- BOY:- There he is!
0:09:36 > 0:09:37CROWD CHEERS
0:09:37 > 0:09:40'A few moments later he was free
0:09:40 > 0:09:41'and heading for the ocean deep.'
0:09:41 > 0:09:43He's free!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45# I'm going to get me some eel ass!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47# I'm going to get me some eel ass! #
0:09:47 > 0:09:52"Hey, ladies, what's six-foot long, black and hard? Fucking me!"
0:09:52 > 0:09:55# I'm going to get me some eel ass I'm going to get me some eel ass! #
0:09:55 > 0:09:57"What's happening, Nemo? I'm going boning!"
0:09:57 > 0:09:59# I'm going to get me some... #
0:09:59 > 0:10:01And so on.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03He must be SO happy. Seven years with no sex.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Imagine the joy when he finally gets it on.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Congers die after spawning.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Poor sod! "This is amazing, this is...
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"Oh, bollocks!"
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I tell you what, if I was an eel I would never orgasm.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22At the point of climax I'd think of something terrifying,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25something guaranteed to make me lose my erection.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Cheers, Denise.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Next up this week, a video of a posh man chasing his dog
0:10:36 > 0:10:38has become an internet sensation.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42I'd argue that you will never hear a better pronunciation of the words
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Jesus Christ and Benton, anywhere.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Benton! Benton!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Benton!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Right, Benton!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Benton!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Benton! Benton!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09It could have been worse.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12At least his dog wasn't called, "I'm A Paedophile."
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Have a look at this story about a child artist.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24A nine-year-old boy from Norfolk made more than £100,000 today.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Art prodigy Kieron Williamson's pictures
0:11:26 > 0:11:29went on display at an exhibition this morning
0:11:29 > 0:11:31and sold out in just over ten minutes.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Nine years old and he sold paintings for 100 grand.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38When I was nine I was just doing this, aah!
0:11:38 > 0:11:39"Good day, Russell?"
0:11:39 > 0:11:43"Very good day actually, Mum. Got to go, busy, aah!"
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Let's hope he doesn't get into modern art.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47"Kieron, what have you done?!"
0:11:47 > 0:11:49"I call it, Dog Chopped In Half."
0:11:50 > 0:11:55He may be the toast of the art world but his sister...not a massive fan.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56A bit boring, but they're OK.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59What do you wish he would paint?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Like...dinosaurs or something,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04like, more realistic.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- LAUGHTER - I love that.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09D'you reckon she's like that with all art?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11"I like the Mona Lisa
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"but I'd rather she was holding hands with a T-rex."
0:12:16 > 0:12:19My favourite part of the report is the moment one woman realises
0:12:19 > 0:12:22how much she's paid for one of Kieron's paintings.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24What have you paid?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26£12,500 for a painting.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- Did you realise? - No, I didn't realise.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I thought it was £1,200!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36"He's nine years old!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38"Just give him a Curly Wurly!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"I'm not paying... it's just a picture of a boat!
0:12:44 > 0:12:45"There's not even a dinosaur on it!"
0:12:47 > 0:12:49The poor woman's had no luck with children's art.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52She paid nine grand for this picture of scissors.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Now, here's a story about a freaky obsession.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02How would you feel if your husband or wife turned one of your bedrooms
0:13:02 > 0:13:04into a shrine,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07and what if that shrine was to... the Chuckle Brothers?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Well, I'd be terrified.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12How long have you been doing this?
0:13:12 > 0:13:13About 10, 11 years
0:13:13 > 0:13:16I've been collecting their memorabilia.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17# Ch-ch-chuckle vision
0:13:17 > 0:13:18# Ch-ch-chuckle vision
0:13:18 > 0:13:20# Ch-ch-chuckle vision. #
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Well, that is every single shade of creepy!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25But then, he was on the news.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I doubt the reporter took the piss out of him.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Is this an obsession, Shaun?
0:13:29 > 0:13:30- No.- Do you feel you need help?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Sensitive!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35You ever followed them home and sat in the bushes?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38"Come on, would you wear their skin as a cape?"
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Unbelievably, this Chuckle lover is married.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44He's got a poster of his heroes - look where he wants to put it.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48I've got a big poster that might go nice above the back of our bed.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49- Right.- You know? But...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I might just sneak it up one night while Sonia's not looking.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54"Yeah...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57"When she's asleep, I'll creep up to her,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00"and draw a tiny moustache on her face."
0:14:00 > 0:14:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:04 > 0:14:07To be fair to him, everyone's got a strange obsession.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I mean, I cannot stop watching this.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12DOG YELPS
0:14:15 > 0:14:19You may remember, last year we found a house that looked like Hitler.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Well...he's back.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- D'you want to see it? - AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27There he is.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:14:31 > 0:14:33The trouble is, once you notice Hitler in one thing,
0:14:33 > 0:14:35you start seeing him everywhere.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37You start seeing him in goldfish.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41In shampoo bottles.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49And sometimes, if you look closely, you can even see him in dogs.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55That isn't the strangest discovery this week.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Look what they've found in Russia.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00The woman claims she kept an alien in her fridge for two years.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03A woman kept an alien in her fridge.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05That is going to change the Lurpak advert.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07HE IMITATES TROMBONE SOUND
0:15:07 > 0:15:09What the fuck is that?!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11How mad is this woman?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14"Oh, look, an alien, shall I call the police?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17"No, I'll put it next to me bacon."
0:15:18 > 0:15:21They've actually got footage of this creature.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26She supposedly found this dead alien
0:15:26 > 0:15:29by a burning wreckage of its space craft,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32in the north west of Russia, in Karelia.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34That is not an alien.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37It looks like someone's kicked the fuck out of Mr Toad!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39It's clearly bollocks.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41The Metro summed it up best.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Unless that was their plan.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53"We have travelled here,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56"to find out if the light stays on after you shut the fridge door."
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"It doesn't."
0:16:02 > 0:16:03"Shit."
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Whether it's an alien or not, one thing we can all agree on -
0:16:07 > 0:16:09there are worst things to find in your fridge.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11"Waaah!"
0:16:15 > 0:16:18From a dead alien to a strange funeral parlour.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Cecil Gilmore is a Rock Hill, South Carolina mortician,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23who will likewise pose you dead,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25as you were in life.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Instead of being led down in your coffin,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30you could be posed doing your favourite thing.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Have a look how this works.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35This Pittsburgh Steeler fan wake has the guest of honour
0:16:35 > 0:16:38watching Steeler highlights, remote in hand.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40His family wanted to remember him as he was.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Lazy.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46I'm not sure this is a good idea.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49It could lead to some terrible misunderstandings.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51"What have you done?!
0:16:51 > 0:16:54"When I said anal, I meant she was tidy!"
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00"My poor mum!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"What have you done to my brother?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04"I said he loved pussy."
0:17:05 > 0:17:07"Why is he holding a cat?!"
0:17:07 > 0:17:09LAUGHTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:12"You made him look like a fool in front of all of his friends!"
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Mind you, if that funeral's not for you,
0:17:15 > 0:17:17you could always do this with your ashes...
0:17:17 > 0:17:20A company called Holy Smoke is offering a new service
0:17:20 > 0:17:24where they turn your ashes into bullets.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28That's right, you can turn dead relatives into bullets.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Only Americans would think,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33"Grandad's dead, let's turn him into ammo."
0:17:34 > 0:17:37It's fair to say the lady interviewing the people
0:17:37 > 0:17:39who came up with this idea - not really a fan.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Two Alabama game rangers dreamed up the idea.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45I mean, it's weird, right?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48'It's different.'
0:17:48 > 0:17:50No, it's weird.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52She's right. He's insane.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Not only does he want to be turned into a bullet when he dies,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59he wants that bullet to be fired at a turkey.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Look what he said...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10How could you hate turkeys that much?
0:18:12 > 0:18:13What happened?
0:18:13 > 0:18:17BEATING
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Son of a bitch!
0:18:23 > 0:18:26AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:18:28 > 0:18:31This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34There's a mystery guest who's been in the news.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I have to figure out who that person is. Please welcome my mystery guest.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:46 > 0:18:48All right, there. Are you well?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I'm good, thanks.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- How are you?- Not so bad.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- What's your name? - My name's Kevin Griffiths.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56You look a bit like
0:18:56 > 0:18:58a more attractive version
0:18:58 > 0:19:00of Harold from Neighbours.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I answer to many things, but that's a new one on me.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03You answer to many things?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Mr Pastry. I get all sorts.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Mr Pastry?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Is that to do with some form of sexual role play?
0:19:10 > 0:19:14- Could be! Depends what you want. - Really?
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Are you in the news
0:19:17 > 0:19:20because you've been banned from every Greggs in the world?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I am, but that's for a different reason.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26So, Mr Pastry or Kevin, welcome to Skipton.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I've done a gig there.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Have you?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31At the Ark. Do you know the Ark?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Yes, we helped build it.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- You built it?- Yes, the Ark.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37You're not Noah, are you?
0:19:39 > 0:19:44- You look like a Beefeater, it's not that, is it?- No, it's not that.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- Do you want me to get some clues out of the box?- Yeah, sure.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Pop your box open. Let's have a look.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Right, oh, let's have a look.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55You're a town crier.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Hey! There you go.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01You open a box and I know exactly what's going on.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- You're a town crier?- Yes.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Fantastic.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07The reason I've come here today
0:20:07 > 0:20:10is to show you how to do a bit of town-crying.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13But the reason I was in the news... I have just become,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16for the second year running, the British national champion.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
0:20:21 > 0:20:25- What we're going to do... Just hold that for a second.- Sure.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- Where have you seen that hat before? - Pirates Of The Caribbean?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Yes, because it was made by the same bloke that made Jack Sparrow's hat.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Is that right?
0:20:34 > 0:20:38It's the same, but mine's black, his is brown.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Wouldn't it be lovely
0:20:39 > 0:20:42if Johnny Depp was going, "Who makes the other one of these?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44"I've got the same one as Mr Pastry."
0:20:47 > 0:20:49So...that's mine.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51You were going to have one that big,
0:20:51 > 0:20:55but we decided since you smashed your hand, you might not be able to handle
0:20:55 > 0:20:57a big bell end, so we got you that one.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Put your hat on.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07What we're going to do, I'll teach you how to do a bit of town-crying.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10We try and warm the voice up first.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Can you sing?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Can I sing? No, not at all.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16KEVIN SINGS AND RUSSELL LAUGHS
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Can do you that?
0:21:18 > 0:21:22You just went, # Aaa, aaaa #
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Next thing, mirening and sirening.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Mirening and...
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- Mweo-ow! Can you do that?- Mweo-ow!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Yeah. Sirening... HIGH PITCHED: Mweo-ow!
0:21:32 > 0:21:33- HIGH-PITCHED:- Mweo-ow!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Mweow-wow!- Mweow-wow! - Mweow-wow!- Mweow-wow!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38That's lifting your voice up.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41What's lovely, at this exact moment there'll be cats
0:21:41 > 0:21:45all over the land watching the telly, going "What's going on?"
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Here's a song for you
0:21:46 > 0:21:50to get your face working and get your diction and inflection working.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53So, it's a little ditty for you.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55# Papa's got a head like a ping-pong ball
0:21:55 > 0:21:57# Ping-pong ball, ping-pong ball
0:21:57 > 0:22:00# Papa's got a head like a ping-pong ball, ping-pong, ping-pong ball. #
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Over to you.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05# People shouldn't make fun of Papa He's got something wrong with him
0:22:05 > 0:22:07# He's got a head like a ping-pong ball, ping-pong ball
0:22:07 > 0:22:08# Ping-pong ball
0:22:08 > 0:22:10# Papa's got a head like a ping-pong ball
0:22:10 > 0:22:11# Don't put him near the fire. #
0:22:11 > 0:22:14So now that you're ready for all this... LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- We've got a cry each to do.- Yeah. - I've written one especially for thee.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- OK.- Are you ready for this?
0:22:21 > 0:22:22BELL RINGS
0:22:26 > 0:22:31Oye, oye! Ho ye, ho ye!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Skipton men have handsome looks,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37lovely, rounded bellies.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42But Skipton, it means sheep town,
0:22:42 > 0:22:46so don't be seen in wellies!
0:22:46 > 0:22:49God Save the Queen. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Well done, my friend. Very nice.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Right this is mine. I've got to do all that stuff at the beginning.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59BELLS RINGS
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Eh, eh?!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Oye, oye, oh, yay!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I broke my hand doing press-ups on a stool.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11I haven't showered for a week since it happened, that is true.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15I have to ask my mates to chop my food up, like I'm four.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Good night. There you go.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:24 > 0:23:26A pleasure meeting you, sir.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Put your hands together for my mystery guest.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Next up, I challenge you to find a fight story stranger than this...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44That's insane! Look at this...
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Over the lush, green pastures of Gippsland, there's a turf war.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50In the paddock, it's cattle country.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54To the herd, the koala is public enemy number one.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55COW MOOS
0:23:56 > 0:23:59How can cows be scared of this guy?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:24:01 > 0:24:02And he's willing to learn!
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Maybe the koalas are winding the cows up.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10"Hey, Daisy, what goes, 'Moo, sss?'
0:24:10 > 0:24:12"Your mum on a fucking barbie!"
0:24:12 > 0:24:15AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Whatever happens, it's going to be a crap fight.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20They're both ridiculously docile animals.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23"Cows versus koalas."
0:24:23 > 0:24:26It'd be the shittest action movie ever.
0:24:26 > 0:24:32In a world where leather hates fur,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34it's...
0:24:35 > 0:24:37There'll be...
0:24:45 > 0:24:47..and...
0:24:47 > 0:24:51COWS MOO
0:24:51 > 0:24:54It's going to be...
0:24:58 > 0:24:59APPLAUSE
0:25:01 > 0:25:05In retail, have you seen the latest perfume hitting the streets?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07'We enlisted the services of Robin Taylor,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09'who runs the Perfume Studio,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12'to design a scent that reeks of Camden.'
0:25:12 > 0:25:15They've made a perfume that smells of Camden, in north London.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17What's the aroma? Roses, lavender?
0:25:17 > 0:25:21- I can smell sweet 'n' sour pork balls, in there.- Great!
0:25:21 > 0:25:22I can smell the moss.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- I can smell... - The bottom of the barge, there?
0:25:25 > 0:25:26I think I even glimpse a rat.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Rats, canals and moss. Who wants to smell like this guy's ball bag?
0:25:32 > 0:25:35AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Next, have you seen what they're doing with cash machines?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41At five ATMs across East London,
0:25:41 > 0:25:45instead of using plain English, you can opt for the Cockney version.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49Cockney cash machines? That would be an absolute nightmare!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56BUTTONS BEEP
0:25:56 > 0:26:00I ain't giving you nothing, you slag!
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Jog on, you muppet!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Tonight's story's about a high school basketball player
0:26:12 > 0:26:14who never gave up. Check this out, it's wonderful.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Jason McElwain, or J Mac, as his friends call him.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Diagnosed with autism at two years old.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24He's never considered himself different or separate.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27It's not a big deal at all.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30I'm just normal like other people. That's the way I am.
0:26:30 > 0:26:35At five foot six, J Mac didn't make the junior varsity basketball team
0:26:35 > 0:26:36at his high school.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Instead, he became team manager.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44February 15th, Greece Athena against Spencerport.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Senior night.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48With word out that Jason might play,
0:26:48 > 0:26:53the student section printed signs of J Mac's face, just in case.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56And with 4.19 left in the game,
0:26:56 > 0:27:00coach called down to the end of the bench for number 52.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03He came into the game, they all stood up
0:27:03 > 0:27:05and they put those signs, the pictures of him up.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09I got really emotional. I sat down and started to cry.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15With 3.46 left, Jason got the ball.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19When he missed that first throw, I was like, "Oh!"
0:27:19 > 0:27:23An air ball, I was like, "Man, I just want to see him score one time."
0:27:23 > 0:27:25That third trip down the court...
0:27:25 > 0:27:27magic.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32CROWD CHEERS
0:27:32 > 0:27:34As soon as I started hitting my first shot,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37I kept shooting, and I was hot as a pistol.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42Shot after shot after shot.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45He comes down the court right at the end with three seconds left
0:27:45 > 0:27:49and he hits this one that's probably like an NBA three.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52As soon as the gun ended, they stormed the court.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56In his first and only varsity basketball game,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59J Mac was the high scorer.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Truly the most incredible moment
0:28:00 > 0:28:02I've ever had in coaching,
0:28:02 > 0:28:06I was so touched and...
0:28:06 > 0:28:08it was just so special to me,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11that a young man... His dream came true.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Hot as a pistol.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for watching Good News. Good night.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:41 > 0:28:44E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk