0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Hello!
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Hello, and welcome back to the new series of Good News. Hope you're well.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35So what's been happening whilst I've been away?
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Over at Daybreak, Dan Lobb revealed what he likes to cover his ladies in.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Plain lemon and sugar. Classic.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42LAUGHTER
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Is it me? I don't think Sky News are fans of Oscar Wilde.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- Oscar Wilde said it better than most.- Yes.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- He said...- We have to leave it there, I'm afraid.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Thank you very much.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53LAUGHTER
0:00:53 > 0:00:57And finally, Ross King really needs to work on his mime skills.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00LAUGHTER
0:01:00 > 0:01:03INDISTINCT SPEECH
0:01:03 > 0:01:04I thank you.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10So the big news of the weekend was this.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13The 158th Oxford and Cambridge boat race
0:01:13 > 0:01:16was suspended in dramatic fashion this afternoon
0:01:16 > 0:01:19after a protester swam out into the path of the boats.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Cambridge have stopped. What can you tell us?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25We've stopped rowing. There's a man swimming across between the boats, both crews had to stop.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27The protester was called Trenton.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Hmmmm.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30What did that remind me of?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Trenton! Trenton! LAUGHTER
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:01:36 > 0:01:37LAUGHTER
0:01:37 > 0:01:41His full name was Trenton Oldfield. Did you see why he was protesting?
0:01:41 > 0:01:45It emerged he was protesting, apparently, about elitism.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49You can't protest about elitism with a name like Trenton Oldfield.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Sounds like something David Cameron calls his penis.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:54 > 0:01:57"Cleggy, come here and touch Trenton Oldfield!"
0:01:57 > 0:01:59He likes you!
0:01:59 > 0:02:02If you want to stop elitism, don't interrupt the race,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04turn up with a boat from a shit uni.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Wouldn't that be great?
0:02:06 > 0:02:07"Cambridge and Oxford are ready to go...
0:02:07 > 0:02:09"Oh, look, it's Huddersfield Uni."
0:02:09 > 0:02:11LAUGHTER
0:02:11 > 0:02:12"They appear to be on a pedalo."
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- NORTHERN ACCENT:- "How do, bastards!
0:02:14 > 0:02:18"Sorry we're late, Dave shit himself.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19"Hiya!"
0:02:19 > 0:02:20LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:22This Trenton bloke is clearly a bit of a dick.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I read some of his blog.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Did you see what he claims the boat race leads to?
0:02:29 > 0:02:30LAUGHTER
0:02:30 > 0:02:33So that's why Hitler snapped. Rowing.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:34 > 0:02:36As ever, the papers slightly overreact.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39"What if he ruins the Olympics?! We need to spend millions!"
0:02:39 > 0:02:44No, if you want to stop people swimming in the Thames, don't spend millions.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Just put this guy in the water.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Staying with the water theme, terrible news for Middle England.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- Hosepipe ban.- Hosepipe ban. - Hosepipe ban.- Hosepipe ban.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- Hose...- Hose...- Hose...- Hose... - Hose...- Hose...- Hosepipe ban.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Get a bucket.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:05People lost it. Look how dramatic this guy is.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10Unless we get water on this green in the next few weeks,
0:03:10 > 0:03:11it will disappear.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13NOOOOOOO!!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16THE BOWLING GREEN!!!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:21The best reaction, though, had to go to the Daily Mail.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Check out their advice to beat the ban.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27LAUGHTER
0:03:32 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER
0:03:35 > 0:03:37They even printed this.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44It's like they're suggesting you become disabled
0:03:44 > 0:03:47just so you can have a nice lawn.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49"Break my leg, Cynthia, the geraniums are dying."
0:03:49 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Mind you, if you were disabled, you'd have to take the piss.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I bet Stephen Hawking's in his garden like that -
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Kssssssh!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01"Ha, ha, ha!" Kssssssh!
0:04:01 > 0:04:04"I haven't even got a lawn!" Kssssssh!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07"Although should I have watered this close to electrical equipment?"
0:04:07 > 0:04:08- Kssssssh! - LAUGHTER
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"That's the way I roll!"
0:04:11 > 0:04:12LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- For me, the... Worst impression you'll ever see of Stephen Hawking. - LAUGHTER
0:04:15 > 0:04:18For me, the most depressing thing about the ban - no paddling pools!
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Which means we'll miss out on moments like this.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27LAUGHTER
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Over in Scotland, remember the pandas brought to Edinburgh Zoo last year?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Well, there's been some disappointing news.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36The giant pandas at Edinburgh Zoo have failed to mate.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Or as the Metro put it...
0:04:41 > 0:04:42LAUGHTER
0:04:42 > 0:04:45The news were all over it, "Will they? Won't they?"
0:04:45 > 0:04:49They even explained how the zookeepers tried to spice things up.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51The zoo opened what it calls "the love tunnel"
0:04:51 > 0:04:53between their two compounds.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Yes. And switched off the cameras to give them a bit of privacy.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER
0:04:58 > 0:05:02I love the fact they turned the cameras off, like that was the thing stopping them.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"Look, the cameras are off!"
0:05:04 > 0:05:05"Let's get nasty."
0:05:05 > 0:05:06LAUGHTER
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Then again, maybe they were gutted.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Maybe they love being watched.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Stood there, "Oh, bugger!"
0:05:13 > 0:05:16"They've turned the cameras off."
0:05:16 > 0:05:18"We were going to recreate the Tulisa sex tape."
0:05:18 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:27"Why...why are you banging it on your head?"
0:05:27 > 0:05:28"I don't know..."
0:05:28 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:34What I love about that, that really sorts out the people who've seen it from the people who haven't.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35LAUGHTER
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Loads of health stories kicking about.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42First up, bad news for meat lovers.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Eating red meat can dramatically increase your risk
0:05:45 > 0:05:47of dying prematurely from heart disease or cancer.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Or, as they put it in America...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Hot dogs cause butt cancer.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52LAUGHTER
0:05:52 > 0:05:54They just don't muck around.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58"Hot dogs cause butt cancer, and burgers? They can make your nipples explode."
0:05:58 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER
0:05:59 > 0:06:02So apparently, red meat gives you cancer.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03- Were you scared?- No!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05No. Exactly the same as my mum.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07It's like, "Mum, red meat gives you cancer."
0:06:07 > 0:06:10What was her reply? "Don't worry, Russ, paint it with Tipp-Ex."
0:06:10 > 0:06:12LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:13"I'm not an idiot."
0:06:13 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Did you see the way the BBC reported it?
0:06:16 > 0:06:20First they tell us red meat is lethal, then they show this.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22It may not be all that good for us,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24but a lot of us enjoy it all the same.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Don't show that!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28It looks amazing, look at it!
0:06:28 > 0:06:31That's not food, it's pork porn! Look at it!
0:06:31 > 0:06:32LAUGHTER
0:06:32 > 0:06:34If you want to stop us eating bacon, show this.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37AUDIENCE: Aaaah.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Show that, you're like, "I will never eat bacon again!"
0:06:40 > 0:06:45Show the sandwich, you're like, "Oh, God, I need one now, get me a pig and a hammer."
0:06:45 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER
0:06:48 > 0:06:50But I'm fed up of these stories.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52These scary foods stories, they get ridiculous.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Every time you open a paper, it's "Don't eat this, don't eat that."
0:06:56 > 0:06:57I mean, look at this headline.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01LAUGHTER
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Bollocks!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05What, there are gangs of kids,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"Don't step to me, man, I got a belly full of Utterly Butterly."
0:07:07 > 0:07:08LAUGHTER
0:07:10 > 0:07:12"I'm full of the stuff."
0:07:12 > 0:07:13It's nonsense.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I'll tell you what, though, if margarine does make you angry,
0:07:16 > 0:07:17this guy must be an arsehole.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20LAUGHTER
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Imagine what he's like when you close the fridge door.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24"Fuck you, Mullerice!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26"I'll kick you in the Fruit Corner!"
0:07:26 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER
0:07:27 > 0:07:29"La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la..."
0:07:29 > 0:07:32"You're all pricks!"
0:07:33 > 0:07:35"I'm off to make some more holes in the Swiss cheese."
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Finally in health, I've saved the weirdest story for last.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Check out the latest claim about alcohol.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45New research is suggesting
0:07:45 > 0:07:48that a couple of drinks may actually boost creativity.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Bollocks!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52All it does is make you confident.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Booze can leave you so pumped up,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55you think you're a world-class surfer.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:06APPLAUSE
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Some truly mad stories from around the globe.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14First up, over to Australia and a sexy way to travel.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Air Australia is offering you the chance
0:08:16 > 0:08:18to join the prestigious Mile High Club.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21The hour-long flight includes a private cabin in the back
0:08:21 > 0:08:25with a double bed, champagne and chocolates for you and your partner.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Classic Australia, innit.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Over here, we're not allowed to take fluids on board,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30they're flinging theirs about.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I'd love to see the plane windows.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Do you reckon there'll be birds like this?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38LAUGHTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:41"This is great!"
0:08:42 > 0:08:44"Or it would be if I wasn't an owl.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50"Why is she doing this?"
0:08:52 > 0:08:53HE CHUCKLES
0:08:53 > 0:08:55It isn't just the sex.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Look what else the Aussies are offering.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00After the flight, you receive a Mile High Club certificate
0:09:00 > 0:09:01and commemorative pin.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Why have they got a certificate?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06"What's that for, Dad?"
0:09:06 > 0:09:08"Did your mum at 50,000 feet.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12"Pretty weird, actually, son, there was an owl watching.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17"I don't know if you've ever made love staring at an owl, it's pretty weird.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20"You can't escape the gaze, their head can turn around completely."
0:09:20 > 0:09:22LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"Like a furry lighthouse."
0:09:25 > 0:09:27A Mile High Club.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Now there may be a few of you going, "Oh, sounds quite romantic!"
0:09:30 > 0:09:31You people are wrong.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32You are.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36The pilot will be an Australian man, and you'll know what his announcements will be like.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Imagine that - "In the event of any turbulence, she's going to bloody love it."
0:09:40 > 0:09:42LAUGHTER
0:09:42 > 0:09:44"If I warn you, if we do crash, I'll join in."
0:09:44 > 0:09:45LAUGHTER
0:09:45 > 0:09:47You think I'm joking, it's true.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Aussie men are pretty blunt.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Now what do you reckon Kate and Wills are going to get up to
0:09:51 > 0:09:53on their honeymoon?
0:09:53 > 0:09:54All right...Can we say it on TV?
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Well, it depends.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Anal.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58LAUGHTER
0:09:58 > 0:10:01APPLAUSE
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Next, South Africa. If you think you've got a strange job, you've got nothing on this bloke.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14He's a lion beauty therapist!
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Imagine that.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18"Tough day at work?" "Yeah, I gave a lion a vajazzle."
0:10:18 > 0:10:20LAUGHTER
0:10:20 > 0:10:23It's unbelievable, check out the treatment he gives the lion.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Massage!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- Fuck that! - LAUGHTER
0:10:33 > 0:10:35What if the lion wants a happy ending?
0:10:36 > 0:10:42# Can you feel the love tonight... #
0:10:42 > 0:10:43HE ROARS
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Lion beauty therapy isn't the only thing happening to cats.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51There's a bizarre new internet craze called breading.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52"What's breading?" I hear you ask.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Breading is this.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56LAUGHTER
0:10:56 > 0:10:57It's this.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59LAUGHTER
0:10:59 > 0:11:00APPLAUSE
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Don't applaud that, that's racist. And...
0:11:03 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER
0:11:04 > 0:11:06..some people take it too far.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08AUDIENCE: Aaaah.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12It doesn't just work with cats.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15If anything, it's more fun with your nan.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17LAUGHTER
0:11:17 > 0:11:20From breading to a shocking advert in Turkey. Look at this.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29They've used Hitler in a shampoo ad.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31You don't believe me? Here it is.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42It's fucking unbelievable, isn't it?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Do you reckon they are sat around,
0:11:44 > 0:11:48"Who shall we use, hot girls, Jenson Button... What about Hitler?"
0:11:48 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:49 > 0:11:51"He killed millions!"
0:11:51 > 0:11:53"Yeah, but he never had dandruff."
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Understandably, people are livid.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Oh, I don't know. This is pretty funny.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08From a shocking advert to a shocking food story.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Check out the latest Kiwi delicacy.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18LAUGHTER
0:12:18 > 0:12:20No, no, no, no, no, no.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22They're drinking horse semen!
0:12:22 > 0:12:27Can you imagine how Greg "walking thesaurus" Wallace would describe that.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32In my mouth now, I've got a floral, sweet, oaty fish biscuit.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34LAUGHTER
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Now, you're probably thinking, how did they show this story on the news,
0:12:38 > 0:12:41people drinking it, footage of it getting bottled?
0:12:41 > 0:12:42No, they showed this.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44The healthy vigour of a stallion.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49And a libido many admire with envy.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55Well, now they can get a taste of it with a swig of stallion semen.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58That was on their news!
0:12:58 > 0:12:59LAUGHTER
0:12:59 > 0:13:00You never see that over here.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Our newsreaders warn us about flash photography.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08Imagine them introducing that. "Viewers of a nervous disposition may want to look away now.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11"You're about to see two foot of angry horse dick."
0:13:11 > 0:13:12LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:16"Roger." "It's all going off here!"
0:13:16 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:19But in New Zealand they don't care.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21They even showed you how it was made.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25The semen is extracted from the stallion using an artificial vagina.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27It's being made into a milkshake.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29AUDIENCE: Urgh!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Well, that is one milkshake that won't bring all the boys to the yard.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35It's never going to catch on down McDonald's.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39"Banana flavour? Hell, no, get me a pint of pony fuck muck."
0:13:39 > 0:13:41LAUGHTER
0:13:44 > 0:13:47"All right, I'll have a McFlurry, then. Jesus!"
0:13:47 > 0:13:51You're probably thinking, understandably, why would you possibly drink this?
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Well, here is the reason.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57And if swallowed by a human, could bring a week of heightened sexual desire.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58No, it won't!
0:13:58 > 0:14:01How would it possibly make you attractive to women?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Drinking that would pretty much be the exact opposite of the Lynx Effect.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:14:13 > 0:14:15GIRLS: Eew!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18THE GIRLS SCREAM
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Mmmmmmm.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27He's drinking horse juice!
0:14:27 > 0:14:28MUSIC STOPS
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Girls?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Girls!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:40 > 0:14:41APPLAUSE
0:14:45 > 0:14:47AUDIENCE: Urgh.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Minty!
0:14:48 > 0:14:49LAUGHTER
0:14:55 > 0:14:58The race to become Mayor of London is heating up.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01The campaign boiled over today with a row over tax affairs
0:15:01 > 0:15:04between rivals Boris Johnson and Ken Livingstone.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- KEN:- If you want to do tax avoidance,
0:15:06 > 0:15:07you do what his employers do.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Can I get a word in edgeways?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10BORIS: The guy's a bare-faced liar.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12What happened on radio was nothing.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Did you see what happened afterwards in the lift?
0:15:14 > 0:15:18REPORTER: The mayoral candidates had walked into a lift.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19It's reported that inside,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- Boris Johnson called Ken Livingstone a- BLEEP- liar.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:27To be honest, pretty bland for Boris, innit?
0:15:27 > 0:15:28You expect something like,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31"You, Livingstone, are a bum-tickling flibbertigibbet.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34"And I belch in your father's armpits."
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Ding! "This is my floor. Player out."
0:15:37 > 0:15:39LAUGHTER
0:15:39 > 0:15:41So why was Boris swearing?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Apparently, he was angry at how Ken Livingstone pays his tax.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47To be honest, I'm more concerned about Ken's wife.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I run a small company,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I employed my wife for three years to sit in the attic.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53LAUGHTER
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Jeez! What company does he run? The Anne Frank Experience?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Away from this spat, have you been watching the campaign trail?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06There's been some vintage Boris moments.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Who should be the next England football manager?
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Erm...
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Quickly?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I think it should be, um...
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Old, um...
0:16:21 > 0:16:22What's his face.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25He's just so funny.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Who else looks at a book like this?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35He looks like a gibbon having a tricky shit.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41So has his foul language affected his chances of winning?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Well, this lady has certainly made her mind up.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46And chance of counting on your support on the 3rd of May?
0:16:46 > 0:16:47- No.- In the election?- No, no.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55This has to be one of the maddest stories I've seen in a long time.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Check this out.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59A burglar caught in the act at the Fleming-Neon IGA,
0:16:59 > 0:17:03but it wasn't what police say he was stealing,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06but how they say troopers found Andrew Toothman.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09That's what people here can't seem to stop talking about.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12You're probably thinking, "I don't think it was that weird." Oh...
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Oh, it was.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16They say they found the 23-year-old inside the store
0:17:16 > 0:17:18wearing nothing but black boots,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20covered in chocolate and peanut butter.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24What?!
0:17:24 > 0:17:26"Should I nick the till? No!
0:17:27 > 0:17:31"No, no, I'm going to turn myself into a Snickers bar!"
0:17:33 > 0:17:34So why did he do it?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Well, his grandad did an interview with the news, and he reckons he knows why.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Unfortunately, his grandad is impossible to understand.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Somebody snaked him.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- HE SPEAKS INCOMPREHENSIBLY - ..he said it was bath salts.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:49No idea, something about bath salts.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Whatever he snorted, it's powerful stuff,
0:17:52 > 0:17:53look what it did to his brother!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Now, this is a cracking story.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Yes, indeed. Have you seen this?
0:18:10 > 0:18:14A girl went to the dentist, and the medicine they gave her left her brilliantly spaced out.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Her mum videoed her, cotton buds in her mouth and everything.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Here it is. Enjoy.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22You've had your wisdom teeth taken out.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Going to get you medicine. More medicine.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Aaaaaah!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Yes, she does.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36It gets better.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Check out where she thinks she lives.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44You live in Hogwarts?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48You're a wizard?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57"I forgot all about it!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00"Why we are driving, I've got a fucking broom!"
0:19:01 > 0:19:03It gets even better, right?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06She thinks the dentist has put a spell on her.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- So she hatches a plan. - LAUGHTER
0:19:09 > 0:19:11What do we do?
0:19:13 > 0:19:14What?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Revenge?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20How are we going to do that?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Whoa...
0:19:30 > 0:19:32"I've got a lightsabre!"
0:19:32 > 0:19:35A lot of people said her mum was cruel to video her.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37To be honest, could have been worse.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39When some people are out of it, their mates really take the piss.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50That was the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55There's going to be a mystery guest who's been in the news, and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- So please welcome my mystery guest. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Hello.- How's it going?- How are you, mate? I'm Russell.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- I'm good, you?- Excellent. - What's your name, my friend? Sunni.- Sunni?- Yes.- Sweet.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Sunni, I imagine it has something to do with radios.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Er...not particularly, no...
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Do you, er... Is it sculptures? Do you make sculptures out of...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- No.- ..things people don't need any more?- No.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24No? Am I close in any way?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- No. - LAUGHTER
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Look around, look around here. - So it's got something to do with graffiti?- Yeah.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Are you a graffiti artist?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- No.- OK... - LAUGHTER
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- Nice, again, I like the way you pulled me in and then pushed me out. - LAUGHTER
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Um... So music and graffiti?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- Mmm.- Do you sing to paint?
0:20:41 > 0:20:42- LAUGHTER - No.- No.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Nowhere near.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47I love the fact that all the things have something to do with tyres.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48- No...- Do you live feral? Is that what it is?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- Nothing to do with tyres.- Has it got anything to do with tyres?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I think it's just a seat, to be honest.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55- I know it's a seat... - LAUGHTER
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I know it's a seat, but why the fuck is there a tyre underneath it?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Comfort.- For comfort? - LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Mate, you want to get a La-Z-Boy, they're amazing. So it's got nothing to do with anything here.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- Give me a clue, at least, as to why you've been in the news.- Er...
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I think it's probably easier if I show you what I do instead of tell you.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Well, I'll look forward to that.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19CHEERING
0:21:19 > 0:21:21APPLAUSE
0:21:23 > 0:21:24That was wonderful.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- So, you're a breakdancer?- Yes. - Lovely stuff.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32And why... Are you the youngest breakdancing champion in England?
0:21:32 > 0:21:33- No. I, um...- Ooh, awkward!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:21:35 > 0:21:37There's probably a five-year-old, and he's just like....
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- LAUGHTER - Then why are you in the news?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I came second in the World Championships this year.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47- Well, there you go, that's worth a round of applause. - APPLAUSE
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Who beat you? Who is this prick?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- A stupid American.- A stupid American?- A stupid American.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Damn. What were his moves?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Stupid American moves.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56RUSSELL LAUGHS
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Can you teach me any of these moves?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01- I am going to teach you, but first I've got a VT coming up showing my stuff.- Oh, I'd love to see that.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- Lovely. Do you want to introduce it, your moment on telly?- Oh...
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- This is my VT!- Yaaay!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:08 > 0:22:10FUNKY MUSIC
0:22:22 > 0:22:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:25 > 0:22:26So...
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Sunni?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- Yes.- Take me through your moves.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- Teach me how to dirty, te-te-teach me how to dirty.- OK.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36LAUGHTER
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Fast move, easy.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39One leg in front of the other.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40- I can do that.- Wrong leg.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:47Would anyone really be pernickety, would a rival crew go, "Ooh, he's gone right first."
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Do you have to be left? Has to be left?
0:22:49 > 0:22:50You want to cross your body like this.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53APPLAUSE
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Nice!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58OK, so now this leg, you're going to jump on to it like this.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01LAUGHTER
0:23:01 > 0:23:05- So here?- Yeah, so it's like that? - Lean back.- Lean back.- Jump.- Jump.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07This leg down.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09On to your knee.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Pose. Pose for the camera.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Spin up.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15- Pose.- Pose.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- Now I've taught you, we're going to work together.- Yeah?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I've got some comperes, and we're going to do a little dance battle.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- Sweet, let's take 'em down.- Yeah!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29MUSIC: "It's Like That" by Run-DMC Vs Jason Nevins
0:23:29 > 0:23:32CHEERING
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- I'll go first.- You're going to go... You go first.- I'll go first.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Yeah, and then tag me in!
0:23:38 > 0:23:39LAUGHTER
0:23:41 > 0:23:43CHEERING
0:23:48 > 0:23:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:55 > 0:23:58CHEERING
0:24:04 > 0:24:05- All right?- Yeah.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07You're next.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09CHEERING
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Ohhhhh!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14CHEERING
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Oooh!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23CHEERING
0:24:29 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Well done. Well done.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47That...
0:24:47 > 0:24:49That's going to be on telly for many years.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51LAUGHTER
0:24:51 > 0:24:55- Please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest! Thank you! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Next up, over in the animal kingdom, a brilliant new discovery.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Have you seen how flies cope with heartache?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12LAUGHTER
0:25:12 > 0:25:15According to "scientific research",
0:25:15 > 0:25:18when flies are heartbroken, they get pissed.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22How did they find this out?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25How small would your breathalyser have to be?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27"Blow into this, mate."
0:25:27 > 0:25:28"Fuck off!"
0:25:30 > 0:25:33"Someone get me a tequila!"
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Maybe that's why they bang their head on the window.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39"SHE - BROKE - MY - HEART!"
0:25:40 > 0:25:43"Why is she going out with Darren?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46"He's a prick!
0:25:46 > 0:25:50"I've seen him on a Comic Relief video getting in a baby's eye.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53"He's a bastard!"
0:25:53 > 0:25:57"She wouldn't even give me a hand job.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00"I was like, you've got six hands.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06"Oh, no, look, me humans are undone, look.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11"You see, cos I'm a fly, I don't call 'em flies.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14"I call 'em... WELL, FUCK YOU, THEN!"
0:26:16 > 0:26:17I'm going on Take Me Out.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23I shouldn't take the piss, some of the flies get really drunk.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I am...fucked.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Now, this is a lovely story about Hannah Jones
0:26:38 > 0:26:39and the inspirational work she's done
0:26:39 > 0:26:42in raising awareness for people with brain tumours.
0:26:42 > 0:26:4419-year-old student Hannah Jones
0:26:44 > 0:26:47was told that she would never go to university.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48See you later.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50But she's defied the doctors,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53and is now in her first year studying at Chester.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57At 15, Hannah was diagnosed with a brain tumour,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00and later on the tumour was found to be cancerous.
0:27:00 > 0:27:06The cancer came back after my second operation, which meant I needed to have a third operation.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09And that led to me having a stroke.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11You know some people say, "Oh, why me, why me?"
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Why NOT me?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15It's got to happen to someone.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I'd rather it happen to me than any of my family members,
0:27:18 > 0:27:23because I don't know, I'm up for the fight.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27If the cancer's up for a fight, then I'm going to fight it back.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32Hannah is passionate about her campaign to raise awareness about brain tumours,
0:27:32 > 0:27:33especially in children,
0:27:33 > 0:27:38and she's sent an e-petition with more than 4,000 signatures to Downing Street.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42She's launched her own charity selling Hannah's hoodies,
0:27:42 > 0:27:47and was chosen as the charity of the year by her local supermarket in Chester.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50You are really lucky to be here and to be enjoying life,
0:27:50 > 0:27:54so you've got to stay positive, really, and enjoy it,
0:27:54 > 0:27:57because you've been given it, and that's what you should live for.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- Damn right, there you go! - APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Lovely, lovely little story to end the show.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04So there you have it.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Thanks very much for watching Good News.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Good night, my friends. Good night.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd