0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Hello, welcome to Good News.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34We've covered some big news stories since we started the show. Here are some of my favourites.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36What have we learned this week?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Adam Boulton HATES his cameraman.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41See that man there? He's a real A-hole.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42LAUGHTER
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Nick Owen was gutted when his Viagra didn't arrive.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- Mmm.- Not a good night, was it?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49No, very frustrating.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50LAUGHTER
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Did anybody else hear that bloke get his cock out mid-interview?
0:00:54 > 0:00:55We're not Royalists.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58ZIP NOISE Simple.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02This is one of my favourite clips of all time.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Check out the advice
0:01:03 > 0:01:08an old lady gave Ed Miliband on how to deal with the Tories.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13I know. I know, we've got to do something about them, haven't we?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I don't think that's a good idea, But we need to get them out, you're right.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22We definitely need to get them out. Take care.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27And finally, it may just be me, but I think this bloke's in love.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I don't think so, actually, it's just...
0:01:29 > 0:01:33# Never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight... #
0:01:33 > 0:01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:43 > 0:01:47So, the major story in the news was of course, the local elections.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Millions of voters have been casting their ballots.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Labour trounced the Conservatives in the local elections.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55David Cameron apologised to Tory candidates who'd lost their seats.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Sorry.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Mind you, if you think the Tories had a bad night,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03look what happened to the Lib Dems.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05In one council ward in Edinburgh,
0:02:05 > 0:02:09their candidate was even beaten by a man dressed as a penguin.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Beaten by a man dressed as a penguin.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Good night? "No.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19"I lost to Pingu."
0:02:20 > 0:02:23The big story was definitely the battle to become London Mayor.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26In the last couple of weeks, the candidates have lost it.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Ken Livingstone told us he only likes dead people.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Favourite Londoner?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Favourite Londoner? No-one who's currently alive.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Jenny Jones came across as a bit of a goer.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- Favourite place in London?- My bedroom.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48And Brian Paddick revealed what he shouts at the point of orgasm.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Ooh, Sherlock Holmes.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:57 > 0:03:00To be honest, there was only ever going to be one winner.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04'Boris Johnson is re-elected Mayor of London.'
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Are you ready?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07No, is the answer.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10'I haven't got a bloody clue.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12'Didn't even though I was Mayor.'
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Did you see why Boris's dad reckons he won?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Why is it that Boris is possibly the most popular Tory in London?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23It is probably to do with his hair, you know?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Hair counts for a lot nowadays. I've still got a bit of hair,
0:03:26 > 0:03:27but he has more hair.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31"Nothing to do with his policies, it's his hair.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32"Have you seen it?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36"You could fit a family of barn owls in that magnificent thatch.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41"Sometimes I look at my son and think... Ooh!
0:03:41 > 0:03:42"Sherlock Holmes."
0:03:42 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:47He wasn't the only one impressed with Boris.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Boris Johnson is a very charismatic guy.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51He's a potential leader of the Conservative Party,
0:03:51 > 0:03:52he's very attractive.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Attractive?! No, he's not, he looks like a llama.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:06What an incredible week of news.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08First up, you couldn't have missed this.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge show their love to each other
0:04:12 > 0:04:15and the world. Married in Westminster Abbey with friends,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18family and dignitaries from across the globe.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It was a wonderful day.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Two people in love, the sun was shining, we got a day off.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27As ever, the British public were very reserved.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Oh, look at William looking at her.
0:04:30 > 0:04:36It's magical, it is absolutely magical. Magical!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39I am speechless. Speechless.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41THEY CHEER LOUDLY
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Kate, William!
0:04:46 > 0:04:51I love that. One minute she's speechless, next minute, "Aaaagh!"
0:04:51 > 0:04:55It wasn't just the public. Even the police got into the party spirit.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58CROWD CHEERS
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Mind you, it wasn't hard to get them going.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13The crowd cheered anything, from the weather to a road sweeper.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16There's a 10% chance of a shower during the service itself.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17CROWD CHEERS
0:05:17 > 0:05:19CROWD CHEERS
0:05:21 > 0:05:22CROWD CHEERS
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Hurrah!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29It's like a car and a Hoover.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34For many people... "It is, actually."
0:05:35 > 0:05:39For many people, the iconic image of the wedding was this.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Lots of shouts from the crowd here.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44And that's the reward.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Come on! The iconic wedding image was this little girl.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:55"Can't believe I put glue on my hands."
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Did you watch the service?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01When the priest asked if anyone objected to the wedding,
0:06:01 > 0:06:05did anyone else go, "Yeah, he's really punching above his weight"?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Just before the ceremony, Harry took Wills off for a private word.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I bet you he said, "Listen, Wills, I know it's your big day
0:06:13 > 0:06:18"but I'm definitely going to have a pop at Kate's sister."
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Who could blame him? She is extraordinary.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24MUSIC: "Foxy Lady" by Jimi Hendrix
0:06:31 > 0:06:34# Foxy lady... #
0:06:34 > 0:06:39I think I speak for the nation when I say, she is a BMILF...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42..a bridesmaid I'd love to Facebook!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Talking of Facebook, within minutes of the service,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50this page was created.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54The Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Society.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57I wonder who set that up?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Back to the wedding.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Did anyone else notice the Queen didn't join in
0:07:07 > 0:07:08when they sang the National Anthem?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I reckon it's cos she's so bored of it.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13She's probably going,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16"Oh, if I had a pound for every time they played that song...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18"Oh, I do!
0:07:20 > 0:07:21"Nice one!"
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I bet she makes up lyrics in her head.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29# I'm missing Bargain Hunt
0:07:29 > 0:07:34# What shall I have for lunch?
0:07:34 > 0:07:38# Maybe some chips Do-do-do-do...
0:07:38 > 0:07:42# Who would I rather be?
0:07:42 > 0:07:46# Spongebob or Mr T?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49# I want a butler space monkey
0:07:49 > 0:07:57# Cos I'm the Queen. #
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Now...
0:08:03 > 0:08:07I couldn't take my eyes off the Queen. Did you see what she wore?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I was looking at her, going, "Where have I seen that before?"
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Then it hit me.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- REGAL VOICE:- "Smokin'!"
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Everywhere you looked, people were wearing medals.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26David Beckham was there, looking great, wearing his OBE.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28..His medal that he's got, but apparently,
0:08:28 > 0:08:32we're being reliably informed that he is wearing it on the wrong side.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Imagine someone telling him, "Dave, it's on the wrong side."
0:08:36 > 0:08:38"Oh, right!"
0:08:40 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:45"Victoria, look, it's that bloke from The Mask."
0:08:45 > 0:08:46LAUGHTER
0:08:51 > 0:08:53"S...
0:08:53 > 0:08:55"Smoking!"
0:08:57 > 0:09:00The wedding was the biggest televisual event of all time.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Did you see how many people watched it?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05It's thought up to two billion people around the world
0:09:05 > 0:09:07watched them today exchange their vows.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Most of you probably watched it on the Beeb, which is a shame
0:09:10 > 0:09:14cos you missed out on the in-depth knowledge of Euronews.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19Listen to how they described the fly-past over Buckingham Palace.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21All I can tell you is that that's a big plane,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24and it's got two little planes either side of it.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26LAUGHTER
0:09:26 > 0:09:28That is genius.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32It's great, innit?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Mind you, that was nothing
0:09:34 > 0:09:38compared to the moment Chris Hollins was accidentally racist.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Have we had a super day today?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- I've had a great day, thank you!- Fantastic!
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Are you going home?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49APPLAUSE
0:09:52 > 0:09:55The Chilean miners are free.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56CHEERING
0:09:56 > 0:10:02MUSIC: "The Boys Are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy
0:10:07 > 0:10:10It's so lovely. It's a genuinely wonderful story.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13My favourite miner, without doubt, was Super Mario.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- C-H-I!- Chi!- L-E!- Le!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- Chi chi chi!- Le le le!
0:10:17 > 0:10:21He's incredible. Did you see what he said at the press conference?
0:10:26 > 0:10:30APPLAUSE
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Isn't that amazing?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36"Hey, Mario, do you want to talk about your ordeal?"
0:10:36 > 0:10:41"No, I want to bang my wife until she cannot walk!
0:10:41 > 0:10:44"This is one Mario who doesn't need mushrooms to get big!
0:10:44 > 0:10:47"Eh-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!"
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Now they're free, their lives have changed forever.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52But with such extraordinary drama,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55it is little wonder that Hollywood can see the potential.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Already, a film is being talked about as a certainty.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I've actually seen a sneak preview.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03MUSIC: Theme from Brokeback Mountain
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- Hey, Miguel.- Si?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I wish I knew how to quit you!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Have you seen how the Government are trying to help parents?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34David Cameron told parents this morning
0:11:34 > 0:11:36he wants to make life easier for them.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39From today, parents-to-be and new parents
0:11:39 > 0:11:41will be able to sign up to a service
0:11:41 > 0:11:46to get regular e-mails and texts about looking after their baby.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Yep, that's exactly what you need -
0:11:48 > 0:11:52text messages from David Cameron telling you how to raise your kids.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Imagine the useful advice a Tory millionaire will give you.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Thanks, Dave(!)
0:12:04 > 0:12:07It isn't just messages, look what else they're offering.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Support via text and e-mail is also being offered,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12alongside vouchers for parenting classes.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Parenting classes? To be honest, some people need them.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18This is not how you put your kid to sleep.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30LAUGHTER
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Can you imagine how patronising the classes will be?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36"Morning, everyone.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40"This is a nice cake for a baby."
0:12:42 > 0:12:45"This is a bad cake."
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Let's face it, you can teach a parent all you want -
0:12:53 > 0:12:56ultimately, kids make their own decisions.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Repeat after me. Dad.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- Dad.- Da.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- Dad.- Da...
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- Dad.- Dad...
0:13:05 > 0:13:06- Dad.- Dad!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- Who's your favourite?- Mum!
0:13:14 > 0:13:18In Britain, the National Trust has come up with a list of 50 things
0:13:18 > 0:13:20kids need to do before they're 12.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Climbing a tree, camping in the wild and abseiling - some of the 50 things
0:13:24 > 0:13:27children should do before they're 11-and-three-quarters,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29according to the National Trust.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Have you seen the list? Now, some of them sound fun.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Some of them are insane.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45LAUGHTER
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Sod that!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49"Awoo! MUM!
0:13:49 > 0:13:52"There's an owl on my head!"
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Nobody has ever called an owl. I asked my cousin, he's seven.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58He gave possibly the cutest answer ever.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00"Have you ever called an owl?"
0:14:00 > 0:14:02"No.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04"I didn't know they had phones!"
0:14:12 > 0:14:15My problem with the list - it's all a bit too nice.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"Ooh, let's build a den. Let's tickle a ferret."
0:14:17 > 0:14:22The number one thing to do before you're 12 - play a prank on a mate!
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Aaah!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news
0:14:38 > 0:14:41and I have to figure out who it is. So please welcome my mystery guest!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43APPLAUSE
0:14:43 > 0:14:48MUSIC: "Mr Blue Sky" by ELO
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Hello, mate.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- Hello.- How you doing?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I've never met anyone like this.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Well...- Can I come up and meet you? That'd be fun.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- I'm cleaning the windows.- OK.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Hey, Russell, how are you?
0:15:10 > 0:15:15- I'm very well. All the better for meeting you.- Yeah, take a seat.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I've never seen anyone as cool as you in my life.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21It seems to be an old-fashioned place you work. Is that correct?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Yes, it's perceived to be.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Right. Erm...chalk, want to give me any other clues?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Other than, it feels like I'm going to get caned any second?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33No. Well, um...
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- Are those Sugar Puffs? - Yeah, that's a little clue for you.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- I was the original Honey Monster. - You were the original Honey Monster?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43CHEERING
0:15:43 > 0:15:46"Tell 'em about the honey, Mummy!"
0:15:46 > 0:15:50- I thought that was Pat Butcher.- No.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Why have you been in the news?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Can you stop sitting like that? I can't stop looking at your nuts!
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I am Britain's youngest etiquette expert.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- Shall we fist bump?- Well, no.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- You're going to be involved with me in a fight scene.- You're a stuntman?
0:16:04 > 0:16:09- Yes.- Yes. You're the most stunts ever...- No.- You've not done...?
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Just fucking tell me.
0:16:12 > 0:16:18- What is it? Go on.- I am from the country of cheese.- Of what?- Cheese.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19- Cheese?- The blue...
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Come on! Cheese!
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- Cheese. Cheese.- Yeah.- Yeah, yeah, yeah.- Yeah.- That was a kind of...
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Cheese. So it's France, you're from France.- Yeah, I'm from France.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36So what brings you to England?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38You didn't see anything on the news?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- I didn't see... D'you know, I didn't.- Fuck.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Now, wave to the audience, show me how you do it.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Now, that's fine, and the audience are waving back.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Now, that was a little bit too ferocious. As a member of...
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- As a member of the Royal... - Has anyone ever complained of that?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00"I've been waved at ferociously!"
0:17:00 > 0:17:01That's wanking!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06That's a ferocious wave!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- You'd be surprised. - What's the etiquette for that?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- Remember...- Palm, eyes.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Yeah, get warmed up.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- I did climb something in Paris. - You climbed something?
0:17:29 > 0:17:34- I did climb GDF in Paris.- Is that why you're famous? Climbing things?
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Well, I won't say that I'm famous, but I am a kind of superstar.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43My finger!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49We might have the wedding of Princess Beatrice and Russell Howard.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I've met her. My brother genuinely offered her Vaseline.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57No, no, no, no. No. He did it... He did it, he did it the correct way.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Open, twist, move.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02It was before the London Marathon and you chafe terribly.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04He went, "Would you like some?" She...
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Actually, she was very...
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Da-da-da-da...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Lovely. Well, that's one for dinner parties!
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Victory!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Ladies and gentlemen, please thank my mystery guest!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Have you seen what Prince Charles has been up to?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Prince Charles has taken to the decks - the DJ decks.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57As you can see, he learned how to spin records and then do some mixing.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Tell you what, I'd love to have seen him at Ministry of Sound.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02"I'm MC Charlie, I've got all your riches,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04"Dance to this, you peasant bitches."
0:19:06 > 0:19:08"I got more!"
0:19:10 > 0:19:13"My tunes are phat, my beats are manic,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16"Try my biscuits, they're all organic."
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"Put your butler's hands up, what?"
0:19:20 > 0:19:22It wasn't just Charles. Even his dog got into it.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24SCRATCHING
0:19:24 > 0:19:27SCRATCHING
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Quality.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I tell you what, when Charles becomes King, we have to make stamps like this.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Did you see this headline?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45That is bullshit. Right, lamb?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Yeeeeaaah.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Here's the scientist that believes this nonsense.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Rupert Sheldrake is a Cambridge educated research scientist
0:19:55 > 0:19:59who believes dogs do have a telepathic relationship with their owners.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Bollocks!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03He bases it on this research.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Pam is out shopping. Her dog, JT, is in the living room.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12At a random moment, just after 2:50pm, Pam is told to head home.
0:20:12 > 0:20:1811 seconds later, JT gets up and waits at the door. Coincidence?
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Yes!
0:20:21 > 0:20:22He just needs a shit.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Dogs aren't psychic.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30I refuse to believe that any creature that doesn't recognise its own leg has telepathic powers.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32GROWLING AND SNARLING
0:20:37 > 0:20:39If dogs are so intelligent,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41why does mine start a fight with his own reflection?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Every single time he goes past the mirror,
0:20:44 > 0:20:48"All right, Russ, nice day... Who the fuck is this joker?"
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Next day, "Let's go for a walk...
0:20:51 > 0:20:53"What the fuck is this guy's problem?"
0:21:06 > 0:21:08"I've seen him in the pond earlier."
0:21:10 > 0:21:11It's madness.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14If dogs were psychic, surely they'd send a message to their owner.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17"Please don't make me look like this."
0:21:20 > 0:21:24Over to Hong Kong and a phone call the police will never forget.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Last night in Hong Kong, the police received a disturbing call.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31A man thought it would be fun to have sex with a park bench.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33HE GROANS
0:21:34 > 0:21:36As you do.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42We haven't got a photo of him, but I assume he looks something like this.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48So...
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Did they cut him free and let him go? Oh, no.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54When the police arrived, the man's penis was so swollen,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56they couldn't get the man free.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59So they took him to the hospital with the bench still attached.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02He was still attached.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Ain't nobody got time for that!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Now for the part of the show called The People's Podium.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14We've asked the audience to bring interesting questions for me
0:22:14 > 0:22:16to try and answer. Let's meet the first speaker on
0:22:16 > 0:22:17The People's Podium.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19CHEERING
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- Hello. What's your name?- Louise.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23What's your question?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I saw your show on the hosepipe ban the other day.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29If this does lead to the death of the bowling greens,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32how are we going to keep old people off the streets? Keep 'em entertained?
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Keep old people entertained?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36We all have to carry Alan Titchmarsh masks
0:22:36 > 0:22:39with us wherever we go. Just in case they panic,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41we put it on. "Oh, safe!"
0:22:43 > 0:22:46We'll have to get Zorbs,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- and put pensioners in them, just to push around.- Yes.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Keep stuff in them to keep them happy. Horlicks...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- A book.- Yes.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Werther's Originals.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Small vole, in case some of them like killing voles.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05- What's your name?- Sam.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07What's your question, mate?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- I'm doing work experience in a hospital.- Sweet.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14What should I do to entertain the patients?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16LAUGHTER
0:23:16 > 0:23:19If you don't like them,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21you dress as Death!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25APPLAUSE
0:23:29 > 0:23:32If you do like them,
0:23:32 > 0:23:33whose day isn't brightened up
0:23:33 > 0:23:36with an early morning cup of tea?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39It's a simple pleasure, but THE best pleasure.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- SPEAKING SOFTLY:- "Hey." "What?"
0:23:42 > 0:23:43"Cup of tea."
0:23:43 > 0:23:45"Thanks, Tea Fairy."
0:23:47 > 0:23:49You'll have to dress up as a fairy.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Got a nice pair of wings at home.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54LAUGHTER
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- What's your name, friend?- Julie.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Lovely to meet you. What's your question?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01If you were on a stag do, who would you rather have with you,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Boris Johnson or Barack Obama?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Without doubt, Boris Johnson.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Why?
0:24:06 > 0:24:10There is no way you can be smoother than Barack Obama around women.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- Fair enough.- Boris would eat anything you put in front of him.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16He would eat anything.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- He would.- How about you? Would you like to be smuggled in to join us
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- on the stag do?- Yes, please. - We could dress you up as a man...
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Yes, well...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Oh, no way do you look like a man!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30You look like the loveliest dinner lady, ever.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- I mean that as a compliment. - Thank you.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I love dinner ladies. They're wonderful!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- You have the look of a lady that would...- I'm only 24!
0:24:40 > 0:24:44I mean that. This is why I've got nothing around women. I meant that.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48I meant that in a lovely way. You look like you'd make me a cake!
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- I can't bake, but I'll make you a cake if you want.- There you go.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- What's your name?- I'm Keith.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55- What's your question?- As a senior,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I feel that I'm being overtaken by technology.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I feel like that as well.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I genuinely do.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03I checked out in '97.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06One of the problems I have, is if I sit on the Tube
0:25:06 > 0:25:08with my library book,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11all those around me are going like this,
0:25:11 > 0:25:13with their gadget in their hands.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Sometimes looking over shoulders, never talking.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18But I'm just sitting there with my book.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20What can I do to keep up?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22What you could do, I guess, is try and...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- AUDIENCE:- Ohh!
0:25:24 > 0:25:25No, no. The key
0:25:25 > 0:25:30is to make your book look so interesting
0:25:30 > 0:25:33that they are not concerned with their electrical goods.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35It relies on your acting. You'll have to do a lot of this.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- HE MOUTHS:- "Fuck!"
0:25:41 > 0:25:43"Wow!"
0:25:43 > 0:25:45"That is so great..."
0:25:48 > 0:25:51You do that, you'll be the envy of everyone on that Tube.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55- I'll try that. - Make sure there's someone else on, or it'll look weird.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00That's what you should do. Ladies and gentlemen, probably my favourite.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Keith! Go and sit down, my friend.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Here's some good news for food lovers.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14A report out this week indicates that a greasy fry-up
0:26:14 > 0:26:17may be the best way to start the day. This is fantastic.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20It's refreshing to hear a positive food story.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Usually, there's things like,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25"Bacon will kill you. If you drink red wine, you will die.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29"Chips will rape your dog." You know?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31The Daily Mail is the worst. Every day,
0:26:31 > 0:26:33there's a different fearmongering story.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Have you seen how many things they genuinely claim could lead to cancer?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39It's absolutely ridiculous.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41MUSIC: "We Didn't Start The Fire"
0:27:23 > 0:27:24APPLAUSE
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I hope you enjoyed that. Bye.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29CHEERING
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd