0:00:03 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31One of the great things about doing this show -
0:00:31 > 0:00:33I meet loads of comedians I've watched and, basically,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37seen being really funny over the years and I can show them to you.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40This is a special edition looking at some of my favourites. Enjoy.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44- HE SHOUTS: - Good evening, Russell Howard's Good News!
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- Are you all right?- Yeah.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- Are you all right? Louder!- Yeah.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53- Are you all right?- Yeah.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- Are you all right? Louder!- Yeah.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- Are you all right?- Yeah.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Let's kick this in the dick!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Do you like jokes? Answer me!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Yeah.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14You're in luck, mate. I've got six of 'em.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Let's do this.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I won a swimsuit contest.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24CHEERING
0:01:24 > 0:01:27I ate 57 swimsuits.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34You lucky, lucky people.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Does anyone else think that Tim Rice
0:01:36 > 0:01:39and Tim Curry should get together and open up an Indian takeaway?
0:01:41 > 0:01:45They could call it Tim's. It would be ideal.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47You're welcome.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Do you think Mr T likes wearing all that jewellery
0:01:52 > 0:01:56or do you think he was just paranoid about being burgled?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59OH. MY. GOD.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02This is happening.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05This is the act. Get on board.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08All right? Lightning doesn't shoot out of my dick.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10It doesn't get any better than this.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16My mate was in the Army. He ate all the pudding rations.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18He got shot for deserting.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21In the Bigg Market, right,
0:02:21 > 0:02:26there's a place that does a thing called Mr Rupali's curry challenge.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28You might have heard of this,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32this is essentially the hottest curry in the world, right.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35And the challenge is you go there, you order it, you eat it.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37If you finish it, you get it for free.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41There's a slight chance - slight chance, however -
0:02:41 > 0:02:43that you might die.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46You have to sign something. It's ridiculous, right.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Me mate, one night, me and me mate were having a pint and me mate went,
0:02:49 > 0:02:53"Hey, Ramsey, I think I can do this curry challenge, you know."
0:02:53 > 0:02:57And I went, "I think you can as well."
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"Shall we get in a taxi?"
0:03:00 > 0:03:03We went down to this place, I knew it was going to be amazing
0:03:03 > 0:03:05cos he said these words, he went,
0:03:05 > 0:03:08"Right, with stuff like this, piece of piss.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"All you've got to do is eat it as fast as you can,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14"and worry about the consequences later."
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I went, "That sounds spot-on, mate."
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Sat down, he inhaled it, bang, it was gone, whoomph, and he was fine.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23He was ab... He was spot-on.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26For about 35 seconds.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Then he was in a bit of a plight.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29He was sitting there going, "Ah, piece of piss.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31FLUSTERED BREATHING
0:03:31 > 0:03:35"Hoo!" He started shaking, he started sweating, his vision went blurry.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead, down his nose,
0:03:38 > 0:03:42joined with one of his own tears, rolled onto his top lip.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44He licked it, it tasted like curry, right.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47The spices were leaving his body immediately.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49He went outside to lie down on the park bench,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52cos that's how you solve a problem in Newcastle.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Park bench - everything's champion, right.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Put a paper on your mate, you'll be all right, you'll be spot-on.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Next door to this restaurant, right, you can Google this, it's true.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Next door to this restaurant, there is a Greek restaurant.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Lying on a park bench, sweating, shaking,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10through his curry-glazed vision, he just went, "YOGHURT!"
0:04:10 > 0:04:14He got up and he went into this restaurant, right.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19Now, the reason I mention that it's such a scummy area is because
0:04:19 > 0:04:22the staff in these establishments will take no shit from anyone.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25If you walk in in the middle of the night sweating,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28shouting about yoghurt, you are going to get a slap, right.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31He walked in, he went, "I need some yoghurt!"
0:04:31 > 0:04:34This massive bloke went, "Get out, mate. We're closed."
0:04:34 > 0:04:36He went, "No! I need some yoghurt!"
0:04:36 > 0:04:38He went, "Get out, mate. We're closed.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40"I am not going to tell you again."
0:04:40 > 0:04:42He went, "No, please."
0:04:42 > 0:04:44The guy ran up, grabbed me mate by the scruff of the neck,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46smashed him up against the wall.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Me mate went, "Please, man, I've just done the curry challenge."
0:04:50 > 0:04:51The bloke went,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54"GET THE YOGHURT!"
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I was a very, very creepy child.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01There's no easy way of getting into that.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05I was one of those children that when people saw them, they went, "Urgh, God!"
0:05:05 > 0:05:09And, contrary to popular opinion, I wasn't sort of those quiet and kill-y children.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I was very loud and mental. I'd sort of run in, go,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14"All right, yeah? My dad drives a helicopter.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16"Prove he don't."
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Really annoying, really weird, creepy child.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22But as I've got older, you know, I've become very socially adept.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I'm very normal now. Like, I'm really socially adept.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26If I met you, sir, I'd be like,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"Hello, how are you? Would you like a cup of tea?"
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Bang, done.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32The only time the true core of myself comes out is
0:05:32 > 0:05:35when I meet someone that I'm attracted to.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Then old Creepy McCreepson comes back.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40It's really bad.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43And when I say creepy, I don't mean in a sort of bumbling,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45but ultimately endearing, kind of Meg Ryan way.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I mean fucking creepy.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50My friend Caroline said,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52"It makes the hairs on my arm stand up to watch."
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I was at a party recently in north London.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59It was a massive house and I was talking to this guy and,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01after about five minutes, I thought,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04"Oh, what's this feeling I'm experiencing? Attraction?"
0:06:04 > 0:06:05That's fine.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08After about ten minutes, I knew Creepy was waking up,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11cos I found myself talking quite a lot about cheese.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13And I don't know anything about cheese.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I thought, "Maybe it's not... No, he's not back.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18"No, he's not back, he's not back."
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Fifteen minutes into it, Creepy was running things.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I was talking to this guy doing this,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26like some horny gazelle about to leap at him,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29still banging on about cheese, like,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31"There's other cheeses, there's other cheeses,"
0:06:31 > 0:06:34and I thought to myself, "What shall I do? How shall I make this...?"
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Normally I'd be like, "I've just got myself into a funny position. Ha-ha."
0:06:38 > 0:06:40But, of course, Creepy went, "I'm going to give you nuffink."
0:06:40 > 0:06:43There was music coming from another part of the house,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45very, very vague music.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Creepy went, "Pretend you're dancing."
0:06:47 > 0:06:52So I started clicking along to this music, just clicking.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54"Cheese, I've had feta - it gives me wind."
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Do you know what music was playing?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Reggae.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02No-one in the history of the world has ever clicked to reggae.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05"Yeah, yeah, I've had cheese on pizza. I've had cheese on pizza.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"That's quite nice. Um, yeah, there's...
0:07:07 > 0:07:11"What other cheeses have I had? What other cheeses have I had?"
0:07:11 > 0:07:14And the horror of what's happening - lucky I'm very socially adept -
0:07:14 > 0:07:16the horror of what's happening is killing me
0:07:16 > 0:07:19and I just start sweating profusely, literally dripping.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I looked like Mickey Rourke from The Wrestler.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Then one trickle of sweat slowly starts coming down my face.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Could have wiped it away like a human being but Creepy was running things.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30I went...
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Caught it with my own mouth like some horrible lizard woman.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46And that is one of the many reasons I will die alone.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50A few summers ago, I went on a tour with a bunch of bands.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53And, before the tour started, I wanted to go online,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56check these bands out, to get an idea who I'd be working with.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I was looking at one band.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Every show, the lead from this band put the microphone in his ass.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04So I was concerned.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I e-mailed the promoter, said,
0:08:06 > 0:08:10"Hey, man, what's up with this dude putting a microphone in his ass?"
0:08:10 > 0:08:12He e-mailed me back and said, "Don't worry.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15"Microphone-in-the-ass-guy brings his own microphone."
0:08:15 > 0:08:18As he should bring his own microphone,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20but I'm sure it didn't start out like that.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22It probably took complaints from other performers.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25"Hey, man, I don't want to be a diva or anything
0:08:25 > 0:08:27"but this guy just totally had the microphone in his ass,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31"so is there a way that we can get a spare microphone,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34"or is there a special spray we could put on that microphone
0:08:34 > 0:08:36"to make it less ass-y?
0:08:36 > 0:08:37"I don't want to be a diva."
0:08:37 > 0:08:40But they would put on a live show. Their show was good.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Every show, the lead would take a garbage can full of pub garbage
0:08:43 > 0:08:45and throw it on the head of his drummer.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48And the drummer just kept drumming with a garbage can on his head,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50garbage all over his body. It was disgusting.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53He would keep the beat and everything. He was a professional.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55My favourite show was in Montreal.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59During this, somebody else from the crowd took the garbage can
0:08:59 > 0:09:02off the drummer's head and put it on his own head.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I don't know why he did that because, immediately after,
0:09:04 > 0:09:08somebody else from the crowd punched him in his garbage can head
0:09:08 > 0:09:10and he fell to the ground, bloody.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12And I tell you why that happened.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15That's because, when you put a garbage can on your head,
0:09:15 > 0:09:19it limits your peripheral vision about 100%.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22You're very open to these type of attacks.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24That's why I never put garbage cans on my head,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27cos I always need to know what's going on around me.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31I can't maintain that level of awareness with a garbage can on my head.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I just know myself like that.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I felt bad for the guy because it happened so fast that
0:09:36 > 0:09:39he didn't even get to enjoy having a garbage can on his head.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41His two consecutive thoughts were,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43"I have a garbage can on my head!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46"Man, I regret putting that garbage can on my head."
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Here's a good question.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51I was wondering for ages the other day,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54what took so long with the invention of suitcase wheels?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02It's a genuinely good question, but some of the young people
0:10:02 > 0:10:05haven't got a clue what I'm talking about.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08You know suitcases? We used to have to pick them up
0:10:08 > 0:10:10and fucking carry them,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12even when they were heavy.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16We'd carry them about like that. Not now. Not your generation.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Now they've all got little wheels at the bottom.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22This is mind-blowing if you think about this for long enough.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23How long did the suitcase
0:10:23 > 0:10:26and the wheel exist entirely separately for,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29before some genius inventor thought,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32"We could pop those two together and save on a bit of back-break,
0:10:32 > 0:10:35"and probably make a few pounds in the process"?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37That is a change that occurred in my lifetime.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Did we really conquer space travel
0:10:40 > 0:10:43before we put the suitcase and the wheel together?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46It seems an absurd set of priorities for the human species.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Surely we should have had the wheelie suitcase
0:10:49 > 0:10:52before we had a fully functioning spaceship.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56If nothing else, it could have helped them load up.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58So I tend to buy my clothes from charity shops.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- That's all right, innit?- Yeah.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02I mean, not Oxfam. I'm not made of money. Jesus!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I was in a charity shop the other day, right,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07and I knew I must have been looking pretty rough
0:11:07 > 0:11:11when this woman handed me a leaflet called The Truth About Drugs.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Had a little read, though, and I'll share with you what it said on the first page.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18It said, word for word, "Taking drugs has a liability.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20"It can affect the way your mind works."
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Yeah, I don't do drugs but I am pretty sure that's an asset.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I don't think anyone's been up all night taking cocaine,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29got up the next morning and gone, "Do you know what?
0:11:29 > 0:11:33"Didn't like the way that gave me confidence and made me forget all my troubles.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36"Not going to stop taking it, though, cos I really like nosebleeds."
0:11:37 > 0:11:41I've been trying to look after myself a bit more but it's hard, innit?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Go to the gym but that's boring.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Is it just me or would you be more likely to go to the gym
0:11:46 > 0:11:49if they were like they were at school, with wall bars and ropes?
0:11:49 > 0:11:50It's way more fun, isn't it?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Or is that just cos I'm a girl and we had
0:11:52 > 0:11:55quite a voyage of discovery on those ropes, didn't we, ladies?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Boys are looking at me blankly
0:11:57 > 0:12:00but the girls know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you?
0:12:00 > 0:12:05I went to an all girls school. Some days you couldn't get on them, the queue was round the playground.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I'm trying to find a sport I like but I'm not a very sporty person.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I mean, my mum plays golf but that's not a sport, is it?
0:12:10 > 0:12:14You can't call something a sport if you're so unlikely to break into a sweat,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16you could play it wearing a jumper.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I like crazy golf. That's fun. I'll do a bit of crazy golf.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22They're missing a trick. Why aren't they doing this with other sports?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I'd play cricket if I had to run up and down a seesaw to get a run.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29As it is, the only sport I am any good at is badminton
0:12:29 > 0:12:31but then, you know, anyone can hit a ball
0:12:31 > 0:12:34when it's attached to its own parachute, can't they?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I'm very bad at seducing ladies, you know.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41One of my main problems is I'm very bad at giving the eye.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44It's a skill I've never mastered, giving the eye, right.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I tried to do it the other day in the cafe.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49There was me and this girl sitting there, no-one else there.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I thought, "I'll give her a bit of the eye."
0:12:52 > 0:12:53So I started looking at her, right.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I can do eye contact, that first bit, eye contact.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59I can do that but the crucial thing is the smile, right.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Because if you don't do the smile, it's just...
0:13:14 > 0:13:17So the smile, the smile is crucial.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18I was looking at her and I thought,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21"I'm going to do the smile. I'm going to do the smile,"
0:13:21 > 0:13:22but I chickened out.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24When it came to the moment of smiling,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I chickened out and I looked away, I looked down.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30But this was the pathetic bit.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I then thought to myself, "Maybe it's not too late.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"Maybe it's not too late for the smile.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40"Maybe I can still do the smile after I've looked down
0:13:40 > 0:13:43"and it'll have a sort of retrospective smile effect."
0:13:43 > 0:13:46So this is what happened when I gave her the eye.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07APPLAUSE
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Now, one of the many problems with this is that
0:14:12 > 0:14:15it looked as if I was picturing her murder.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Basically, right, my whole life...
0:14:18 > 0:14:21babies have stared at me.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Right...
0:14:27 > 0:14:30But I was on the bus the other day with my friend, and my friend -
0:14:30 > 0:14:33there were five or six babies on the bus and my friend looked around,
0:14:33 > 0:14:35and they were all staring at me, obviously...
0:14:35 > 0:14:39My friend looked around the bus and she went, "Er, Joe...
0:14:41 > 0:14:43"All the babies
0:14:43 > 0:14:47"on this bus are staring at you!"
0:14:47 > 0:14:50I went, "Yeah, I know, it happens, yeah."
0:14:52 > 0:14:54She went, "Really?" I went, "Yeah, this always happens."
0:14:54 > 0:14:57She went, "Bit weird." I went, "Er, you know."
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Got off - about an hour later, got on another bus,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02on my own, and there was a baby on that bus,
0:15:02 > 0:15:06and it wasn't staring at me, and I thought, "Ooh, that's weird."
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Right? But then, I saw the baby do this - I saw the baby go...
0:15:18 > 0:15:20And I swear to God, at that point, I thought,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22"Still got it!"
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Actually, I lived in the UK once before,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I lived in London a couple of years ago,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32and this is probably the strangest thing that happened at that time.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I was hanging out on Liverpool Street in east London,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37looking for Brick Lane, which was close, but I couldn't find it.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39I kept going around in circles, and I saw this woman,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41asked her if she knew where Brick Lane was,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44and she didn't know - not a big deal, right?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I'm about to walk away when she grabbed me, looked me in the eye,
0:15:48 > 0:15:50and said, "Excuse me, do you go to church?"
0:15:50 > 0:15:54I thought she meant, do I go to her church? "No, I'm sorry, I don't."
0:15:54 > 0:15:57She's like, "OK. Because I go to church,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00"and I believe in Jesus Christ, and I think you should
0:16:00 > 0:16:02"believe in Jesus as well." Wow!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05How did you get from this part of the conversation...
0:16:05 > 0:16:08to that part of the conversation so quickly?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11It's like she thought to herself,
0:16:11 > 0:16:13"Ah! He does not know where Brick Lane is.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17"Clearly, he is lost in all aspects of his life.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20"I will help him.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22"Jesus - perhaps you've heard the name before?"
0:16:22 > 0:16:25"Yeah, perhaps. That name has gotten around,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28"mostly through word of mouth and pamphlets and...
0:16:28 > 0:16:31"bullets were used at some point, I believe. Yes, I'm familiar
0:16:31 > 0:16:33"with this Jesus figure - he looks like Bjorn Borg.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36"We discussed this earlier, he looks like a Swedish tennis player."
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I think she meant well, but it was kind of annoying,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41and I wanted to end it, but I wanted to be polite.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43She was being nice enough, and I said, "Excuse me, miss -
0:16:43 > 0:16:47"thank you very much, but I'm a Hindu, all right?
0:16:47 > 0:16:48"I'm taken, all right?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"I have a box to check."
0:16:51 > 0:16:54And it didn't matter, and I know it didn't matter, because she said,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56"It doesn't matter!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59"It doesn't matter what you are, or who you are,
0:16:59 > 0:17:01"Jesus loves you. Jesus loves me,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04"Jesus gives me strength, Jesus gives me direction."
0:17:04 > 0:17:08"Oh, OK. Well, then, can you ask Jesus where Brick Lane is...?"
0:17:08 > 0:17:11APPLAUSE
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I don't know if anyone else does this -
0:17:13 > 0:17:16it never ceases to amaze me, the hour of the day I will stay up till
0:17:16 > 0:17:20to watch a film, just because it's on television,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22even though I've got it on DVD!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24GIGGLING
0:17:24 > 0:17:26What the fuck is that all about?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Like, it's better with adverts in it or something?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I was once two hours late for work, because I'd stayed up, ironically,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35to watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I've been watching a lot of daytime television as well,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I've got a lot of time to kill during the day, I'm at home...
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I watched a programme for the first time called "Flog It!".
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- I don't know if anyone's seen this. - WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:- Hey!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49You sound like you enjoyed it a lot more than I did.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Let me say this about "Flog It!". Firstly,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54there's an hour of my life I'll never get back.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57It wasn't what I was expecting when I tuned in, if I'm honest.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I saw "Flog It!" in the Radio Times, I thought, "Ooh, hello!"
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Daytime television's livened up - a bit of afternoon S&M on BBC One.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07It didn't turn out to be quite the sort of "Flog It!" they had in mind.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10"Flog It!", for those of you who haven't seen it, works like this -
0:18:10 > 0:18:14people bring in stuff they think is going to be worth money -
0:18:14 > 0:18:17old stuff, it tends to be, antiques, that kind of thing.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19They've got a team of experts on there
0:18:19 > 0:18:22who evaluate the object, and then, based on what they think it's worth,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24the person that's brought it in has to decide whether
0:18:24 > 0:18:28to take it to an auction, sell it off, flog it, basically -
0:18:28 > 0:18:30hence the title.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I'd never seen it before. There was a guy sat there,
0:18:32 > 0:18:36looking very happy with himself, with a big antique vase.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38The professional says, "Hello, welcome to the show,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41"what's the story with the vase, where did you get it?"
0:18:41 > 0:18:43He goes, "Well, it's a funny story, actually.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46"My girlfriend works in a hotel, they got a new manager and...
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"out with the old, in with the new."
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I thought, "Either I've missed something,
0:18:53 > 0:18:54"or he's fuckin' nicked that!"
0:18:54 > 0:18:56I don't think national television
0:18:56 > 0:18:59is the place to be moving on stolen goods, mate!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I don't think sticking in "Out with the old, in with the new"
0:19:02 > 0:19:05is going to throw everyone off the scent you've committed a crime!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07If it were that easy, we'd all be at it.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10"Welcome to A Place In The Sun, to Linda and Dave.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14"They're looking to invest £100,000 in a villa in Spain.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17"Linda, welcome - tell the audience how you raised the funds."
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"Well, it's a funny story, that, actually.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23"Dave was in HSBC at 9am the other day with a sawn-off shotgun, and...
0:19:23 > 0:19:27"the early bird catches the worm!"
0:19:27 > 0:19:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:19:30 > 0:19:34I find Canadians - I feel like such a giant in this country.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I feel like Gandalf - you know what I mean?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Just, like around a bunch of Hobbits!
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I don't know what it is about being a tall woman
0:19:42 > 0:19:44that will always attract the smallest man.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49You see him from across the way, you think he might be the right height,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51but then he gets closer...
0:19:51 > 0:19:53and closer.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55And then he looks at you like he's going to climb a mountain,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58like, "Rrrr!"
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Like, you can't have what you can't reach!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04APPLAUSE
0:20:10 > 0:20:13That's why the cookies are on the top shelf.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Terrible! You know what? One good thing about being a giant,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24I'm never afraid that anyone's ever going to drug my drink.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26If they have any foresight at all,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29how the fuck are they going to get me home?
0:20:29 > 0:20:34You'd have to get creative - there's a shopping trolley waiting!
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for my brand-new ventriloquism act!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Here we go! - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- Please! - Get ready for this!- What...?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- # Duh, duh-duh, duh-duh... #- What are you putting the jacket on for?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- When I said dress smart, you could have...- Here we go!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50What the fuck is that?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- Get ready!- What on earth is that?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Mate!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Oh, hello!
0:20:57 > 0:20:59What is your name?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- "My name is Naughty Keith!" - Naughty Keith?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Oh...!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- Have you not prepared anything? - I was making that!
0:21:06 > 0:21:07- Right.- Oh...
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Why do they call you Naughty Keith?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14"Cos I am right bloody naughty, me!"
0:21:14 > 0:21:16What is it? What IS that?
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Oh...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Wha...?- What naughty things have you done today?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I don't even know what it is.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- "I poured petrol on a tramp and set fire to him."- No, mate, no...
0:21:25 > 0:21:27LAUGHTER No!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- It's too much!- Keith - you shouldn't really do that!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32What...? This is Naughty Keith, I know that.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Thank you.- What on earth is Naughty Keith?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Right - it's a little puppet. - Of what?!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- Of a boy, clearly!- Of a...?!
0:21:39 > 0:21:43What's happened to him? It's really sad, awful!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- You know that I like The Muppets. - Yeah.- Love The Muppets, right?
0:21:46 > 0:21:47- All right.- This is my one.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- Going to take it to America, join The Muppets, make my fortune.- Right.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53# Me-nah, me-nah, duh-da, da-da-da! #
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- Piss!- Piss? Yeah, piss...
0:21:55 > 0:21:58"Piss" is his catchphrase. Piss!
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- Piss? They will all be saying it tomorrow.- They won't be, mate, no.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Get it on a T-shirt - the word, not the thing.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08It's not... It's not going to fit in with The Muppets.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- Piss! It's not going to fit in with The Muppets at all.- Why?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13It looks like it might rape Kermit, I don't know.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- No, it'll be fine. Piss! - Stop saying piss!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- Piss!- Piss! You're a terrible ventriloquist as well,
0:22:17 > 0:22:21it's not going to work, you're awful, your technique's terrible.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- AUDIENCE:- Aw! - No, shut up!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25He's a grown man!
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- It won't work.- Why?- The technique's awful, I can see your lips moving.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- That is my voice!- I know!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- That is me doing it!- No, I know!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Watch him. "Piss!"
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Now watch me... Piss! It's me! - I do know. I can see that.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43How can I do it without moving my lips? That's like saying,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45"Oh, look over there, mate. Oh, but keep your eyes shut."
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Hang on, mate, second point on technique -
0:22:47 > 0:22:51you're supposed to be making that look like it's coming alive.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54When you're talking yourself, it's just down by your side,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57and you're making it talk upside down, and I just saw you use it
0:22:57 > 0:22:59to scratch your head with!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- My hand is in it!- I know!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- I think he thinks it's real! - No, I don't, mate!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Piss!! Stop saying piss!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11The biggest cultural shock I've had since being here,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14which to all of you is perfectly normal,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17and you have no idea how messed-up it sounds to someone not from here...
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I was having a cup of tea with an English friend of mine,
0:23:20 > 0:23:24and she said to me, "Do you want a Penguin?"
0:23:31 > 0:23:34It's... You know...
0:23:34 > 0:23:37And I was like, "Er...
0:23:38 > 0:23:40"Well, yeah.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44"Who doesn't?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48"They're adorable! Where did you get it?!
0:23:48 > 0:23:51"Do the zoos sell them now?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54"I mean, I don't know how to take care of it. I mean, it's a bird,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57"but does it go in a cage or in the bathtub?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01"And they look like you need to oil them. They seem kind of oily.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04"Mind you, I could put a little bow-tie on him,
0:24:04 > 0:24:07"and make some pretty sweet YouTube videos.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10"Yeah, stuff it, I will have a penguin, go on, I will."
0:24:10 > 0:24:12And she said, "No, you idiot!
0:24:12 > 0:24:16"A Penguin's a biscuit!"
0:24:16 > 0:24:20And I was like, "Oh! How stupid of me...
0:24:21 > 0:24:23"..to confuse something...
0:24:23 > 0:24:26"with what it is.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29"I'm doing that all the time. When you said Penguin,
0:24:29 > 0:24:33"I should have known that you meant biscuit,
0:24:33 > 0:24:35"and not, you know, a penguin." And she goes,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38"Don't worry about it, let's not fight about it." I'm like, "Yeah.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41"Would you like some cake?" And she said yes.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44And then I threw a spider in her face.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47"Fuckin' Jesus! What did you throw a spider at me for?!"
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I was like, "Oh!
0:24:49 > 0:24:53"You idiot! In Australia, a cake is a spider!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55"I just assumed you'd know that."
0:24:55 > 0:24:58"God, it bit me!" I'm like, "Did it? Do you want the antidote?"
0:24:58 > 0:25:01She's, "Yes, give me the antidote!" "Are you sure?" "Yes!"
0:25:01 > 0:25:04And then I shot her in the kneecap.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06"What did you just shoot me for?!!"
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I was like, "Oh...!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10"I don't like you."
0:25:12 > 0:25:14In my opinion, real rap - real rap -
0:25:14 > 0:25:16it should reflect the hardships
0:25:16 > 0:25:20in life, you know? Of which I've had my unfair share.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- LAUGHTER - I've had some dark times, right,
0:25:23 > 0:25:27where I used to think it was like me against the world,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- you know? And in those times... - ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF PLAYS
0:25:29 > 0:25:31you've got to remember, it's not you,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33it's them.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Cos when you're down and out And you're really up against it
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Just remember the basics
0:25:38 > 0:25:41It's a mantra, repeatedly say this
0:25:41 > 0:25:44You're not a loser It's just everybody's racist
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Yeah, that's right, I said it!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Why d'you think nobody ever give you any credit...?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Why you last on the list of your doctor's patients?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Chronological? Or is your surgery racist?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56What type of dog shits on the pavement
0:25:56 > 0:25:59In front of your house? Alsatian - racist!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Say you're typing in a search engine
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Trying to write "haterz" with a Z at the end
0:26:05 > 0:26:08And your computer goes Did you mean "haters"?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10That's how you know Google's racist
0:26:10 > 0:26:13How come every time an igloo's made
0:26:13 > 0:26:16It's always white, mmm? Eskimos - racist!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18So now you know the truth at its plainest
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Your car won't start? Engine - racist
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Your team don't pick you? These guys - racist
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Jeans don't fit you? Levi's - racist!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30If you can't lose weight Every time you try it
0:26:30 > 0:26:32I guarantee your diet is racist
0:26:32 > 0:26:34On your birthday it rained in places
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Fuck, the clouds The whole sky is racist!
0:26:37 > 0:26:40You've got an iPod Shuffling the play list
0:26:40 > 0:26:42It ain't picked reggae in a while? Racist!
0:26:42 > 0:26:45How come every time you get to the queue
0:26:45 > 0:26:48You're the last in the queue, dude? That queue's racist!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50And then when you get to the front
0:26:50 > 0:26:52The staff say, "Hey, thanks for waiting!"
0:26:52 > 0:26:54That's racist
0:26:54 > 0:26:55The whole Post Office are skanks
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Why do you think they try and sell you second-class stamps?
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Two words Institutional racism
0:27:02 > 0:27:04You go Nando's Suddenly they make chicken
0:27:04 > 0:27:07And you might want couscous Or just soup
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Too late, man They already judged you
0:27:10 > 0:27:13When you're down and out And you're really up against it
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Just remember the basics
0:27:16 > 0:27:17It's a mantra, repeatedly say this
0:27:17 > 0:27:19You're not a loser
0:27:19 > 0:27:22It's just everybody's racist!
0:27:22 > 0:27:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I've been Doc Brown - thank you very much!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Ladies and gentlemen...
0:27:39 > 0:27:42please give it up for Doc Brown!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:45 > 0:27:47That's the end of Good News - hope you enjoyed it.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Farewell.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd