0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Thanks very much.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Thanks very much indeed.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Hello, and welcome to Good News.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37So, what's been happening? It's all going off at Sky News.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40First, Jacquie Beltrao revealed her wrestling name.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Thighs without mercy.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Then Peter Spencer turned to stone.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Some people can be so mistrustful.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Peter, thank you. Coming up on Boulton & Co,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54we'll hear from both sides of the row...
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Here's a tip. If you're trying to avoid being on camera,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01this is not how you do it.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04There is a long-time city ordinance that allows these businesses,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06these practices...
0:01:06 > 0:01:08LAUGHTER
0:01:08 > 0:01:10APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:12So, what's been going on?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Did anyone else see all those people celebrating the Titanic?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Setting sail to the site of the sinking.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20The cruise to remember the Titanic.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23They're marking the 100th anniversary of the Titanic
0:01:23 > 0:01:25by sailing a boat!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29How insensitive is that?!
0:01:29 > 0:01:32People drowned - let's go cruising!
0:01:33 > 0:01:37It doesn't stop there. Apparently, they're serving a pudding on board
0:01:37 > 0:01:39called the "Iceberg".
0:01:39 > 0:01:41That's the thing that killed them!
0:01:41 > 0:01:44You wouldn't serve JFK's family a rifle trifle!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49The papers have been all over this story.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Some of the conspiracy theories as to why the ship sunk
0:01:52 > 0:01:53were hilarious.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56But this was definitely my favourite.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02APPLAUSE
0:02:07 > 0:02:08How?!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Did the icebergs look like this?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17"Ron Weasley dead ahead!"
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It's so ridiculous!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Now, talking of stupidity,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23the reaction on Twitter has been incredible.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Do you reckon she typed that with her face?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Not my favourite tweet, though. That goes to the twat-tastic Jedward.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46You have no idea!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50As if those poor people didn't suffer enough,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53"We're going to drown! We're going to...
0:02:53 > 0:02:55"What's that noise?!"
0:02:55 > 0:02:57# His name is John
0:02:57 > 0:02:59# My name is Edward
0:02:59 > 0:03:02# And together we are Jedward... #
0:03:02 > 0:03:07SCREAMING
0:03:07 > 0:03:08# Jedward... #
0:03:10 > 0:03:12# Jedward... #
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Elsewhere in Britain, the National Trust has come up with
0:03:24 > 0:03:28a list of 50 things kids need to do before they're 12.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Climbing a tree, camping in the wild and abseiling.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Some of the 50 things children should do, before they're 11¾.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36That's according to the National Trust.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Have you seen the list? Now, some of them sound fun.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Some of them are insane.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Sod that! "A-woo!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57"Mum!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00"There's an owl on my head!"
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Nobody has ever called an owl. I asked my cousin, he is seven.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06He gave possibly the cutest answer.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"Have you ever called an owl?"
0:04:08 > 0:04:09"No...
0:04:09 > 0:04:11"I didn't know they had phones!"
0:04:11 > 0:04:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:20 > 0:04:22My problem with the list - it's all a bit too nice.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25"Let's build a den. Let's tickle a ferret."
0:04:25 > 0:04:30The number one thing to do before you're 12 - play a prank on a mate.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32- AHHH! - What?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36LAUGHTER
0:04:36 > 0:04:38APPLAUSE
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Now, big news in Middle England.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42"Last week, we had the hose pipe ban...
0:04:44 > 0:04:46"..now it's this..."
0:04:46 > 0:04:48The steep rise in the price of stamps...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Stamps...- Stamps...- Stamps... - Panic buying...- Panic buying...
0:04:51 > 0:04:53From 46 pence to 60.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Wo-o-ow.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Ahhh!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58It's such a British panic story.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Syria's in meltdown. "Never mind that!
0:05:00 > 0:05:03"Stamps have gone up 14p!"
0:05:03 > 0:05:05"There's nothing for it, Roger.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09"I'm going to have to go on the game!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12"We need the stamps, Roger. Line up the cocks!"
0:05:17 > 0:05:18You think I'm joking?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20People have lost it. Did you see this?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Wouldn't it be great if they'd all been bought by this guy?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33"Hello!"
0:05:33 > 0:05:38I like the idea he's just covering Buckingham Palace with stamps.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40"Lizzie on the table,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43"Lizzie on the butler,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45"Lizzie on the Corgis...
0:05:45 > 0:05:47"and finally, Lizzie...
0:05:49 > 0:05:50"Yeah!"
0:05:53 > 0:05:56"Hey, Liz, time for a special delivery!"
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Now, talking of Royals. Did you see this?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Pippa Middleton could be questioned by French police
0:06:05 > 0:06:07after she was pictured in Paris
0:06:07 > 0:06:10in a car with a man who appeared to be pointing a gun.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Let's be honest. Everyone reacted the same way
0:06:13 > 0:06:14when they heard this story.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17"She was with a bloke who pointed a gun at a photographer?
0:06:17 > 0:06:18"Bit stupid, isn't it?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22"I tell you what, she's got a lovely arse!"
0:06:24 > 0:06:27She could do anything, it always comes back to that.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30"She head-butted a dog?" "Yeah, but it's perfect, isn't it?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33"It's like a peach covered in silk."
0:06:33 > 0:06:37She is so hot. This bloke saw her, his whole body got a hard-on.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Some people can be so mistrustful.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Peter, thank you. Coming up on Boulton & Co...
0:06:43 > 0:06:47As ever, the US media didn't overreact...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Pippa could be facing criminal charges
0:06:49 > 0:06:50and possible jail time for this.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53..whereas, Channel 5, bit more British.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56She will be in hot water with her parents.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00And she can forget about riding her pony!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02There, I've said it, I've absolutely bloody said it.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Over in the US, big news in the US Presidential elections.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11We are at the point where we can say unequivocally
0:07:11 > 0:07:14that Mitt Romney will be the Republican challenger to Obama.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Yep, Mitt Romney has been selected to take on Obama.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21I think he's going to struggle. He can barely talk.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Let's talk about immigration...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25HE STAMMERS
0:07:25 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Let's be honest, he'll need all the help that he can get.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Imagine running against Obama!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34He's so charismatic.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38He's the only politician who can sing and not look like a dick!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Reverend Al Green was here.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42CHEERING
0:07:45 > 0:07:47# I'm...
0:07:49 > 0:07:53# So in love with you... #
0:07:53 > 0:07:54CHEERING
0:07:57 > 0:07:59He's so smooth, isn't he?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02You know God's looking down going, "I made that."
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Mitt Romney, not quite as soulful.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10# O beautiful for spacious skies
0:08:10 > 0:08:14# For amber waves of grain
0:08:14 > 0:08:18# For purple mountain majesties
0:08:18 > 0:08:22# Above the fruited plain! #
0:08:22 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:27 > 0:08:30First up, some strange economic news.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- Er...- Er...- Er...
0:08:32 > 0:08:34It's the surprising research which may leave some people
0:08:34 > 0:08:36scratching their heads.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Marketing experts reckon The Only Way Is Essex
0:08:39 > 0:08:43has generated an extra £1 billion of spending in the UK.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Shut up.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Fuck off.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:47 > 0:08:49This is the... Exactly!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55This is the bizarre news that The Only Way Is Essex
0:08:55 > 0:08:57has boosted the economy by 1.4 billion.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Thanks to TOWIE, sales in...
0:09:09 > 0:09:13In other news, book sales are down 800%.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"I can't read, but I've got a shiny muff."
0:09:17 > 0:09:19It's so depressing.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22When I was younger, kids wanted to go to the moon,
0:09:22 > 0:09:23not have a neon minge.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26How have they got their own show?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Why don't we idolise impressive people?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Why can't we have a show called The Only Way Is Fry?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34We could hear stuff like this.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Would you be in any way offended if I said that you seem to me to be
0:09:37 > 0:09:40the visible personification of absolute perfection?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44As opposed...to this.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46That goat's beard, look. How embarrassing.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Is that why they're called goats, cos they got goatees?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Yeah, that is so right.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I wish I was on the Titanic with Jedward.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03From the depressing to the bizarre. There's been a ghost spotted
0:10:03 > 0:10:06in my favourite part of the world - the West Country.
0:10:07 > 0:10:12Clevedon's beautiful Victorian pier.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15It's beginning to get a reputation for its ghostly residents.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19The latest subject of unearthly contact
0:10:19 > 0:10:20was keen angler Jack Hulbert.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23This wonderful bloke saw the ghost. He claims he was fishing,
0:10:23 > 0:10:27but surely there is a better way of putting it than this.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I thought, "I'll get up early in the morning
0:10:29 > 0:10:31"and come down and give it a bash."
0:10:31 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Don't say that!
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Now I HAVE to put you on telly.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40I love this man.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44He sounds like one of my uncles. "I gave it a right bash!"
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Listen to him describe his meeting with the ghost.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Walked up to the end of the pier,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50nearly to the end,
0:10:50 > 0:10:57and I saw this person leaning over the rail in the corner.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00"Hell," I said, "I thought I'd be here first this morning."
0:11:00 > 0:11:05I said, "You beat me to it." He never answered back.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10"He never answered back! I thought to myself, 'What an arsehole!'
0:11:10 > 0:11:13"I gives him a wave, he disappears.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18"Some people are so rude."
0:11:18 > 0:11:22This next bit is great. Check out what this evil ghost smells of.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24It's not just sightings,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27there's been a ghostly smell of toast at the pier shop.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Ghostly toast.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Ghostly to-o-o-ast!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"It was so scary, there was marmalade everywhere!"
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Apparently, there's a reason behind this odour.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43The smell of burnt toast has often been associated
0:11:43 > 0:11:45with the presence of ghosts.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48It's such bollocks, isn't it?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51If you smell toast, that mean there's a ghost nearby.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- And if he's really fucked off... - HE SNIFFS
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Coco Pops!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:12:00He's angry, look, he's turned the milk chocolatey.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Whoa!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04I tell you what, if this is the way ghosts smelled,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06that would really have changed The Blair Witch Project.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09SHALLOW BREATHING
0:12:10 > 0:12:11I'm so scared.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13SHE GASPS
0:12:13 > 0:12:14So would I be!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I'm ghostly toast.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Now, eat your crusts!
0:12:19 > 0:12:21LAUGHTER
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Staying with the supernatural,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27this is one of the best headlines you'll ever read.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34This is the incredible story of a hamster whose owners buried him,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36cos they thought he was dead,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39only to see him reappear from his grave hours later.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Imagine the moment they saw him.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45I bet they absolutely shat themselves.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48"I... I thought you were dead!"
0:12:48 > 0:12:51"Guess again, asshole.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54"Now, where Daddy's carrot at?"
0:12:54 > 0:12:55My favourite part of the story -
0:12:55 > 0:12:58since he died and came back to life, they've changed his name.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00He used to be called Rhino, he's now called...
0:13:02 > 0:13:07So, are the family pleased to have this zombie hamster back? Yes.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Are the other pets? No!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11The other pets are terrified of him!
0:13:11 > 0:13:16HORROR FILM MUSIC
0:13:21 > 0:13:23PARP!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:30It's fair to say,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I'm very worried about the students at Swansea Uni.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46Do you reckon they're sat there, "Mum! I need a wipe!"?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48It's insane.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52What kind of job are you going to get if you can't even shit properly?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- Shut up.- FUCK OFF!
0:13:55 > 0:13:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:01 > 0:14:02In case you can't figure it out,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05here's the handy diagram they're showing the students.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06This isn't a joke.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09These were genuinely put up in a place of learning.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10This is good toilet...
0:14:12 > 0:14:13..and this is bad toilet!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15LAUGHTER
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Now... Now, I'm a good guy.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I wanted to help the students out,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24so I've made a few signs of my own, right?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Here we go, this is how you urinate.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30There you go. A lovely bit of wee. That's nice.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32This is not.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35That's bad.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37That's bad toilet, right?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39APPLAUSE
0:14:41 > 0:14:43This is how you use a kettle!
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Ah, oh, a bit of tea, oh, mm, tea, yeah.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48This is not...
0:14:48 > 0:14:51This is not how you use a kettle. That's bad.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54That's bad. That's bad kettle! That's bad kettle!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:56 > 0:14:57One more? This is how you feed a pet.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59He likes that, doesn't he?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Lovely little vicar dog. Lovely bit of food. Nom, nom.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05This is definitely not how to feed a pet.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Over to the other side of the world.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Check out what the toddlers in Australia
0:15:12 > 0:15:13are being taught at school.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16This is self-defence, Israeli style.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18It's called Krav Maga
0:15:18 > 0:15:21and it's used by special combat forces around the world.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Now it's being taught to Aussie toddlers.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28They're teaching toddlers martial arts. Madness.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31When you're a kid, you should be in a sandpit, not cage fighting.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34"A good day at school?" "Yeah, I learned how to fuck people up."
0:15:36 > 0:15:40It's ridiculous, toddlers don't want to fight, they just want to dance.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43MUSIC: "Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis Presley
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I love the jump at the end,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07but not as much as I love the way he finishes.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:25 > 0:16:28The big sporting story of the weekend was the Grand National.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30He's a half-length in front.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Neptune Collonges is diving...
0:16:32 > 0:16:35One of the closest races in Grand National history.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Neptune Collonges wins by a nose.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40It was an incredible finish, but not a patch on this...
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Bournda See under the big...
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Oh! Morcombe put in a bad stride, he lost balance...
0:16:44 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER ..and now Bournda See...
0:16:47 > 0:16:50That is one photo finish you don't ever want to see.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Although he did win by a length!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Did you see the interview with the guy who trained the winning horse?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Probably the best horse we run in the race.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03Class form, we're placing gold cups, stays genuine.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05What a let down.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07That's not how you celebrate winning a horse race.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08This is.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- Congratulations.- Thanks very much.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- It's fantastic!- It is, it's unreal.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I can't believe it. I can't believe it.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I'll have fucking sex tonight and everything.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19LAUGHTER
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Yes, you will.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25You lovely, horny little leprechaun!
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Did you see the moment the jockeys arrived?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31And the jockeys are waiting to make their way down the steps,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33through the crowd and into the paddock.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I can't believe nobody was tempted
0:17:35 > 0:17:37to play this music when they came out.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40# Oompa loompa, doompadee doo
0:17:40 > 0:17:43# I've got a perfect puzzle for you... #
0:17:43 > 0:17:46It's great fun, you can even do it with the horses!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49MUSIC: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Did you watch the BBC coverage?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Clare Balding wins my award for
0:17:55 > 0:17:58most convoluted description of a family tree, ever.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Ted is married to Helen. They have four children -
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Jennifer who acts as agent to Ruby, who you know as the jockey...
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Right.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08..Katie, who is riding in the race, and her brother, Little Ted,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10who is married to Nina Carberry.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Nina is riding in the race, her brother is also riding in the race.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Yeah...
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Their father is called Tommy, and Tommy won the race on L'Escargot
0:18:17 > 0:18:20in 1975, trained by Dan Moore,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22whose son Arthur trains Organisedconfusion,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25who's ridden by Nina Carberry, and also is her uncle.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27LAUGHTER
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Right, so who's Ted married to?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43It's a mystery guest who's been in the news
0:18:43 > 0:18:45and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46So, please welcome my mystery guest!
0:18:46 > 0:18:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Russell.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- I'm Dorene. - Thanks for coming on my show.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05It's a pleasure.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I imagine there's something to do with knitting
0:19:08 > 0:19:11and you have some weights there as well.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- No, nothing to do with knitting. - Nothing to do with knitting.- No.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- Does it have anything to do with the fitness equipment?- Close.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23- Close. Um, are you, like, a granny body builder?- No.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25You're not? I apologise.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Are you a spinster body builder?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- No, definitely not.- OK.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Give me some clues.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34It's stuff to do... Am I close?
0:19:34 > 0:19:39What I do would do a lot of good for you.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40LAUGHTER
0:19:44 > 0:19:45You keep bitches in check?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47LAUGHTER
0:19:49 > 0:19:51APPLAUSE
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Sorry. Sorry.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- Is this a clue?!- WHOA!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:58 > 0:20:00WHISTLING
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Right.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17No, it's not!
0:20:17 > 0:20:23- It's unusual for you to be stuck for words, isn't it?- It is, absolutely.
0:20:23 > 0:20:29It feels like, if I close my eyes and I'm in an old folks' home,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31it's like the best day ever.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35It's like I'm 70 and looking around and going, "Oh, yes.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38"Oh, oh.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39"Oh.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41"Oh, I don't need my medicine today."
0:20:43 > 0:20:46So, Dorene, why were you in the news?
0:20:46 > 0:20:51Well, because I am the oldest keep-fit instructor in England.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Well, there you go, that's great.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- Are you going to show me how to keep fit?- Of course I am.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- Let's do this.- Right.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05CHEERING
0:21:08 > 0:21:11OK, I think we have to move this first. Out of the way. Sorry, love.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Right, I think that you need a lot of help with your movement.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Moving your body, shimmying your shoulders.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- And a sexy move.- Is that sexy?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28It is when you do it, but for me, it's like,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30"I haven't taken my tablets."
0:21:30 > 0:21:35Now, to help you, I've brought eight of my ladies.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Sweet, gang BANG!
0:21:36 > 0:21:40CHEERING
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Hello! Hello! Nice to meet you all! Hello!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Thank you so much.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48- Right.- Gang, are you ready?
0:21:48 > 0:21:49- ALL:- Yes.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- Let's start.- Right.- Right.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54One, two, three, four.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Now, stretch, two, three, four.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Do it again. Two, three, four.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03It's like we're the Sugababes.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- Now, hips. Come on, Russell. - I'm trying!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I thought you were the young one.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12I love the idea that someone's switching on now, going,
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- "What's happened to Good News?!" - Come along.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Push, push, stretch, stretch. Push, push.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Now, jump.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22One and two and three and four.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25CHEERING
0:22:25 > 0:22:31- Now, follow me.- Follow you?- One, two, bounce, stretch.- That's the Haka!
0:22:31 > 0:22:35- Ka mate, ka mate!- Swing the arms!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Up! One, two, three, four.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Up, bend.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:22:44 > 0:22:47A-one, two, three, four.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- Punch! Punch! High!- Hey!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Thank you so much.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58There we go. Yeah?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00A few years and he'll be all right!
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Thank you very much. That was absolutely lovely.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Please, give it up for Dorene and the wonderful ladies.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06CHEERING
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I tell you what, a couple of great crime stories.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Firstly, there has been an incredible drunk man
0:23:15 > 0:23:16arrested in Canada.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19The police in Canada had an altogether more entertaining evening
0:23:19 > 0:23:22after picking up one man who'd had a bit too much to drink.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24'The man, who was picked up at 4am.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28'managed to sing the entirety of Bohemian Rhapsody - air guitar
0:23:28 > 0:23:30'and fake drumming included.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Yes, he did. This man is amazing.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36# I see a little silhouetto of a man
0:23:36 > 0:23:40# Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you do the Fandango?
0:23:40 > 0:23:44# Thunder bolts of lightning Very, very frightening me
0:23:44 > 0:23:46# Galileo, Galileo
0:23:46 > 0:23:48# Galileo, Galileo
0:23:48 > 0:23:49# Galileo, Figaro
0:23:49 > 0:23:51# Magnifico... #
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Magnifico, indeed. This is the best bit.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57He really saves the best for last.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59# Oh, mama mia, mama mia
0:23:59 > 0:24:01# Mama mia, let me go
0:24:01 > 0:24:06# Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me
0:24:06 > 0:24:08# For me
0:24:08 > 0:24:10# For MEEEEEEEE! #
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Yeah!
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Genius!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16APPLAUSE
0:24:16 > 0:24:18The only way he could have improved that
0:24:18 > 0:24:20is if he ended it by doing this...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Now, here's a Vietnamese traffic warden
0:24:27 > 0:24:29who goes way beyond the call of duty.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Damn right! This is commitment!
0:24:39 > 0:24:43LAUGHTER
0:24:47 > 0:24:49HORN BLARES
0:24:49 > 0:24:52"Call the police! Call the police!"
0:24:52 > 0:24:55It's like the most full-on episode of Coach Trip ever.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57"Did you give him a yellow card?"
0:24:57 > 0:25:01"No, I Sellotaped the prick to the windscreen!"
0:25:01 > 0:25:03"Help me!"
0:25:03 > 0:25:06It just shows how hated traffic wardens are.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Look at the reactions of the locals.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16"Oi, mate, you got a wanker on the front of your bus!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18"Naa-aa-aah!"
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Poor bloke, you think it can't get any worse for the traffic warden.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Have you heard what was playing on the bus driver's radio?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28# Together we are Jedward... #
0:25:28 > 0:25:30IMITATES GUNSHOT
0:25:30 > 0:25:31APPLAUSE
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Now, this is a lovely story about a nine-year-old kid called Caine.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41He built a cardboard amusement arcade in his dad's shop.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43The trouble is, no-one was coming
0:25:43 > 0:25:47until a film-maker decided to give him the best day of his life.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58ALL: Hi, Caine!
0:28:08 > 0:28:13There you go, sometimes people can be awesome!
0:28:13 > 0:28:15APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night!
0:28:17 > 0:28:20CHEERING
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Let's have it one more time.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE